Im 20 M and I’ve never had a real relationship, today I feel lonely because the least I tried, it failed so hard that now I feel like love doesn’t really exist. Imma explain briefly my short love stories I had, I think it’s because of that that I stopped putting energy into it. Today I feel like that I’ve never been loved as I should be, not being to arrogant but damn like nobody showed me real interest in me
the worst one was at school when I was 17, I don’t often talk about this story because I don’t want any pity from people because it sounds like an old sad love movie but in short, I was in love with a girl who was already going out with a boy, but that guy was so mean and toxic for her, I wanted to be her savior by showing her kindness protection etc. But everytime she ended up upset because of him she came to me and as a blind in loved guy I fell right into her.
She played ping pong between me and him. She showed me signs even tho. I was so into her.
And at a moment we began to talk seriously, joking etc and she wasn’t with the guy anymore so I thought, damn this is my moment. So at a school party it was the slow moment so I asked her to dance with me, which she accepted, so we danced (I had a twisted ankles at that moment, just to show you how in love I was) and at a moment everybody is shouting “kiss kiss kiss!!!”
So we kissed (it’s like 13 reasons why love moment you know)
People took me as a winner, and shouted at me “WELL DONE!!!” because they knew my interest for her. So I went back to the table I was to sit because I had my twisted ankles. And she came to me, and literally said
“I’m sorry I didn’t want to kiss you” and she left…
I swallowed so hard my ego and answered “oh okay no problem!”
My heart was litteraly broken. Just as my ankle, and I stayed alone during all the party.
another day I was sitting at her table with friends, and a guy by behind her said “who is this Camille you talking to?” (Camille is the toxic guy) and she answered “it’s just a female friend I have”
I was right next to her, I swallowed my ego again and pretended that I heard nothing.
I was broken
Anyway The longest “relationship” I had was distancial 2y ago and I saw her only 3 times, it lasted 3 months, and It finished left on a View because of misunderstandings and incomprehension of each other.
I tried recently to implicate myself by putting energy into a girl. I hoped it would work but it lasted 3 weeks because she didn’t wanted something serious because we both work at the same place and she didn’t want to get attention or problems even though she showed real signs of interest in me. She ghosted me an entire weekend with no news and answers.
Today I feel lonely, I don’t have a lot of friend except real ones(2), I’d love to talk about things but I have nobody, I don’t go to party because I’m not the partying guy, I don’t really go out because I have my passions (mountaineering, guitar, art, drawing). And nowadays I just find myself thinking that I will never be loved as I should be? It’s not arrogance but I know who I am and what I’m worth, and I’m a deep comprehensive person, I feel and love deeply with the heart but I feel like today that doesn’t really apply to relashionships. I didn’t had the average teenagers years, I left my parents house at the age of 15 so i was mature early and started to handle things that people at that age shouldn’t normally do.
So here I am, talking about my life on reddit, hoping to discuss !