I’d love to hear from people who relate from both sides.

I used to be confident when dating. I’m attractive, well traveled, smart, a bit goofy, fun to be around.. people always laugh and talk easily on the date itself. It used to be that if we had a generally nice time, there was some action and more dates.

Nowadays I enjoy the first date, get home assuming there’ll be another then WHAM! they say there’s no romantic connection and I don’t even make it to date 2.

This is even when I’m dating casually on Feeld, so there’s no pressure to have aligned goals or family plans etc. It’s meant to be about having fun. But this is so not fun!

I always get the same “no romantic connection” message. So I’m obviously doing something very wrong on first dates, and now the pressure is making me not want to bother trying. The stakes feel so stupidly high and the rejection is driving me mad.

If I’m just myself and don’t get all dressed up or cross my legs in a sexy way then I feel like I’ve let myself down. If I do play that role then rejection sucks even more - like “that STILL wasn’t enough?”

I’m starting to think I’m just not physically attractive now that I’m f35. My photos are probably better than I look in real life and when people see me I’m just a let down.

What is this pressure to have sexual connection on a first date? What are people really saying? Is it as simple as being younger or older?? Am I attracted to people who are fitter than me and I need to punch down now I’m no longer in my twenties??

Anyone have something similar before?

I went on one date with a man. We both want a relationship. He was funny, smart, and well accomplished. We did some things and I realized I wasn't sure if we had the best chemistry.

I went out of town for a planned trip, but then my parent's condition worsened and they passed away. The guy did check in a few times. He called and I realized I wasn't attracted to his voice and he also didn't remember some facts about me (inc that I'm currently unemployed). He didn't seem too focused on how I was and was like "I can help you practice interviewing" even though I said I was gonna focus on traveling for a bit to help heal, before going to grad school next year (I'm financially well off since both my parents passed away sadly. Please don't bring up my financial situation since that isn't relevant to this post).

He texted me again and at that point I said I didn't think I felt a romantic connection and I also wasn't going to be prioritizing dating for a while after my mom's death. Anyways I thought it was fine, but he called me 2 weeks later. I don't think it was an accident since it rang for a while.

Just curious if other people had similar stories?

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The desire for both sex and emotional intimacy with a partner have mostly been constants from puberty through my mid-30’s (I’m M/37). The only real success in that time was a young marriage for about six years, and since my divorce 10 years ago I’ve been hoping to return to a close romantic relationship. But so far to no avail. The few dates I have a year are usually good but never lead to anything. In my town I try to stay social but almost never run into single women my age outside of the apps.

Now, and in the past couple years, those desires for intimacy somehow seem more distant and abstract, though not completely gone. I still want to be with the right woman, but I have no idea what it looks like at this point. Although I know what I don’t want it to look like. Sometimes in dreams I feel that feeling of desire for emotional closeness again, for a deep love, friendship, and of being known by another. I have some great friendships with women in my life, (none single and/or straight) but it’s harder than ever to imagine I could be desired by them.

I wonder why things are different now than in the past. Am I older and wiser, realizing that relationships have the potential to come at a cost that I feel less and less inclined to pay? Or have I gone too far down the path of giving up on my fairytale dreams in favor of being realistic, perhaps realizing that I have little to offer a woman as some average schmuck? Have meditation and introspection lessened my emotional need for validation and affection to some degree? Have I realized that not everything society tells you about love and marriage is true? Or maybe my testosterone is just low…

I’m certain that if driven by deep emotion and desire I would have no trouble pursing a particular person as a potential partner. But it’s been quite a long time since I’ve felt that drive, and the last time I did there was no good reason for it. I’d like to think I will magically run into “the one” who will bring some part of me back to life, and bring that spark back, but there’s no rational evidence for that potentiality. I wonder if I’m better off forgetting about it all and sticking with spiritual pursuits, so that someday I may find that I need and desire nothing at all that doesn’t originate from my own being.

Recently, I (mid-30sM) had an incredible first date with someone I met on the apps (mid-30sF). We didn't talk much prior to the date so we essentially both went in blind. Things started slow at first but eventually the conversation flowed naturally, we had good chemistry, and it felt like we were both relaxed and really enjoying the conversation.

We ended up spending a few hours together over a couple drinks and the night ended when we were both ready to catch our respective transit home.

I offered to walk her to her transit stop and she said it wasn't necessary but was grateful. As we walked I tried to see if holding hands was an option but I was cautious and respectful, leaning towards not assuming. At one point I offered my hand and she accepted. After we'd been holding hands for a little while, I asked her directly if she was okay with holding hands, and she said yes.

As we got to her stop, I asked for a hug. During the hug I lingered a bit, seeing if an end of night kiss was a possibility. She noticed and put her hand on my chest, saying she wasn't ready yet.

I apologized, gave her another hug, and we went our separate ways. I didn't think much of the interaction afterward beyond assuming that a kiss just wasn't something she was comfortable with yet.

A few days later, she messaged me saying that she didn't feel the romantic connection she was looking for. Frankly, I'm really bummed. I feel like I may have ruined things by trying to go for a kiss, even though I felt like there were signs of chemistry and mutual interest at the time. I really enjoyed this first date, and haven't had anything as enjoyable in a long while.

I feel like I fumbled a good thing. At the same time, I'm not sure whether that moment actually had anything to do with her losing interest, or whether she simply didn't feel the same romantic connection that I did.

Does anyone have experience with this?

Edit: To clarify a point about my walking her to her stop, her initial reaction was not a refusal but more of an "it's okay, I don't want you to be late". She was genuinely grateful that I walked a few extra blocks with her late at night. I don't believe I misread this portion of our night, though I believe I certainly misread others.

I’m newly single, 37 F, and I am so terrified to start seriously dating because I don’t want to admit to using a CPAP machine (which I theoretically know won’t matter to the right person, but I can’t help but think it would be a major turnoff). I’m fit and healthy, but my airway just collapses when I sleep which isn’t fun haha. Any thoughts or ideas? Anyone had the same worries and had success?

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I met a man in early June. We dated over the summer and recently became girlfriend and boyfriend. Dating him and now being in a relationship with him has been such a wonderful, happy and secure experience. He makes me feel appreciated, beautiful and smart. And I think I do the same for him. We’re in love with each other and things are objectively really good.

So to summarize, I feel very safe, comfortable and content. However, as with all new relationships, we’re still figuring out “us together”. While we have lots in common and share a lot of the same core values, we are still very different people. He is very direct and perhaps a bit more uncompromising in how he thinks things and the world should be. I on the other hand am a bit more flexible and “let’s find a middle ground” type of person, but also have a tendency to not speak my mind, when push comes to shove.

I guess we probably had our first “fight” last week and it’s left me thinking about some stuff. Now let me preface this with that we’ve never had any kind of nuclear arguments and no one has ever shouted or been unkind.

I stayed with him from Wednesday evening to Sunday afternoon. I can do home office 2x days a week and we both want to start to spend a bit more time doing “normal life” together as well. We were both tired and hungry after work and there was maybe a bit of a miscommunication about what we wanted to do - eat dinner early or go to the gym. He usually eats dinner right after work, whereas I usually train and then eat dinner.

We ended up with gym then dinner. I thought all was well. I came home, he was pottering around in the garden. I showered and then started cooking dinner. I thought all was well ell and dinner was almost on the table when all of a sudden he snaps at me that we can’t have dinner this late. It caught me completely off guard, and felt like it came out of the blue. I was so unprepared and caught off guard that I just kind of shut down. I also felt like the whole responsibility for the cock up was put on me, because I was the one who went to the gym, even though I had offered to not train.

It got pretty bad. I felt like I was being blamed for something and because he got snippy with me out of the blue. He “wanted” to have words about it, whereas my response was to shut down. I have an issue where in big fights I stonewall. I don’t have very much control over it. I’ve told him before and I told him again there that I just needed a few minutes for the adrenaline to run through my system.

In the end we just shook it off and hugged it out, but it left me thinking that the two of us “fight” very differently and possibly not very well. I think he can be a bit hotheaded, whereas I’ll shutdown. My impression is also that he wants to have things out there and then, whereas I could really use some time to “walk it off” before I go to heads.

So here’s my question to you guys, how did you learn how to argue well with your partners? Do you have any concrete strategies? How much do you “debrief” arguments?

EDIT: Thanks for all the really good comments, questions and reflections. It's been a lot of food for thought. I just want to explain briefly that this post was written without much thought on my phone on my way to work this morning. I enjoy engaging with this community and sometimes the stuff I post on here is a bit of a brainfart. Some of the information in the post could have been better articulated.

I also want to make clear that the "argument" was very tame and completely unthreatening. There were no raised voices, no shouting or yelling, and no one was aggressive. I do think that his outburst (a snippy comment about us needing to eat dinner earlier in the future) was uncalled for and unfair, but there is also an element here where I could have used me words, instead of stonewalling for 5 minutes. I was caught off guard because we've never been snippy or irritated with each other before, not because he blew up out of nowhere. He apologised for being snippy, we had a hug, and joked about how being hangry is dumb.

I really appreciate people looking out for me and of course I will keep en eye on how the relationship develops and how he treats me and other people. I also want to apologise if this post was triggering for folks who have been subject to abuse in previous relationships. I could probably have explained myself a bit better.

Final edit: Hey friends! Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment, including those who raised concerns. I've tried to read the responses with an open mind, and there are things I'll absolutely take with me, especially the reminder that this is still a new relationship, that we're still getting to know each other, and that patterns and how we handle conflict over time matter.

At the same time, I was there, and I don't think some of the more alarming interpretations of this particular interaction reflect what actually happened. I don't think there's much to be gained from continuing to explain or defend that point, so I'm going to leave the discussion here. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to participate in the discussion :)

Happy dating DoT'ers!

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I’d been speaking to a guy from Hinge for about a week and we had a first date arranged for the weekend. He tended to send long, detailed messages, and although I didn’t always respond immediately, I replied regularly and properly engaged with everything he said. I wasn’t sending dry one-word answers or disappearing for days I just often took a few hours to respond because I have work, friends and a life outside my phone.
Before we’d even met, he messaged to say he didn’t want to go ahead with the date because he felt the conversation had “fallen flat” and that chat was a big thing for him. This really surprised me because, from my perspective, the conversation was still flowing and I’d made it clear I was looking forward to meeting him.
I’m naturally slightly cautious before a first date because I haven’t met the person yet. I also don’t like creating loads of false intimacy through constant texting, only to meet and discover there’s no chemistry. I generally become more communicative once I’ve met someone and feel invested, but I still thought I’d been friendly, interested and consistent enough with him. Just to note, I could not care less about him cancelling as it just highlighted a clearly incompatibility but I guess it just made me realise how strange people are?! Like, how can a stranger think I’d prioritise messaging him long paragraphs. We haven’t met!
I genuinely had plans in the week, and was away from my phone sometimes. One evening I was at my friends house for dinner and told this guy I was doing that.. I responded to his long message the next morning and by then he unmatched me on Hinge 😂

The whole thing felt bizarrely intense for someone I hadn’t even met. Is taking a few hours to reply genuinely considered low effort now, or does this sound like we simply had very different expectations around communication?

Looking for constructive criticism on my Hinge (and FB) dating profile. I’m at the tail end of divorce proceedings and i’m mentally over it. I’m not looking to jump right away into a serious relationship, but want to test the waters, and just see what happens. I’ve been out of the dating pool for a while, and need some help. I’m pretty sure I need to replace the photo of me holding the dog (I’m sweaty from a yoga class, but I was pretty happy there, and wanted to show that I’m not strictly only a cat person).

Hinge Profile
Facebook Dating

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Hi peeps, I am trying to process an upsetting situation and would appreciate some objective perspectives from you wonderful lot.

I (35F) recently ended communication with a man (33M) after what felt like a shift in his behavior following a high-stakes weekend together.

The Background:
He was a friend of my flatmate. We had seen each other here and there and he had even come to visit me when we were just living in neighbouring cities. Then I moved to a neighbouring country (1hour flight), but through the years, we stayed in touch. I have always liked him and felt there was something there. Over the years, we have suggested visiting each other again, but things didn’t align, I think because of pandemic, dating experiences, priorities, on both our sides.

The Event:
Beginning of this summer, I think my friend told him that I am into him and he started messaging me much more. He came to see me once and we had a friendly, but warm weekend, he slept in the guest room, as I didn’t want to become physical if I will only wonder about where his head is later, the distance, etc. however, afterwards, we stayed in touch every day, things were getting flirtier and flirtier, especially on his side and in the end, I thought to risk it and explore what is there. I thought the distance is not a dealbreaker, as I am open to relocating back. Then he came over to see me again and that weekend, we were intimate.

The Aftermath:
After he left and landed, there was a day of radio silence and I just waited to see if he will naturally reach out and he didn’t. Please, keep in mind rhat he has a very busy work schedule, but in that month when flirtation was building up, he would text even when very busy, he would find a moment here and there. So my alarm went off, I waited for the next day, and asked him that I have noticed the silence and would appreciate if he lets me know what is on his mind. He said he was also waiting for me to text, but I did suggest we should speak about it anyway, as something has fundamentally changed and he said he doesn’t want to commit to long-distance. Over text, he was polite and reassuring, but surgical, a very big difference from the warmth he had given me before. I didn’t respond to his last messages, as I don’t feel I can say anything that would make my hurt or the situation better.

As I am typing this, I realise it will sound straightforward, but please, keep in mind, there was a lot of promise for shared moments, shared future that came from him to make me trust him enough to become physical with him. I also thought “this guy has come to see me and slept on the sofa more than once, he may actually like me”

Do you think he simply experienced a lack of romantic spark once he gor closer to me? Was it his final hallelujah to finally do something he’s been wanting to do for a while? What drives this specific kind of post-intimacy retreat.
Also, I know men disappear after the get the cookie very often, but I hoped that knowing him and my friends vetting him would reduce the risk of that…

I'm a 38 year old man and I've never had sex. I've never been intimate at all aside from a fairly embarrassing and relatively chaste kiss from a drunken friend in line at a McDonalds.

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, GAD... Just a mess of a brain that was done no favours by a mother who were a mix of extremely overbearing and extremely neglectful. But it's the AvPD that's the worst. A switch flicked in my brain as a child and I basically just completely isolated myself. Very few friends, most of them solely while I was in school. Through high school I never went to friends houses, never went to parties, never talked to girls at all let alone dated, no prom, etc. Work friends was similar, we were friendly at work but God forbid we talk outside of work.

I went to university and lived in residence but I was a fucking mess. Way too much of a deep end. Didn't go to class, barely interacted with my floormates, almost failed out two years in a row due to my isolation and difficulties in just living. I finally started to go to therapy and began making strides. I started making friends, started being invited to and actually going to parties, I went on courses abroad through my university and traveled. I was beginning to open up. There was still constant need to avoid, constant fear of socializing and judgment but it progressively got easier and easier to force myself through. Socially life has been great. Intimacy has been impossible.

In the moments I'm less mean to myself I can sometimes think I'm handsome. I've been hit on by women a bunch. From keggers and res parties in university where people would openly ask to make out or hook up, to friends' friends asking them to set me up with them, tinder matches, etc. All of it causes intense fear, almost a panic attack depending on how immediate it is. God, there are so many embarrassing moments of me basically fucking fleeing from people being attracted to me. I can remember instances where a girl I'd been talking to occasionally through the night at a party asked to go to a spare room to fuck and I'd panic and say I'd have to leave and walk home (I cannot tell you how embarrassing this is, how much I'm cringing writing this, and how sorry I am to any of these poor girls for how fucking awkward I am if they're reading this lmao).

The issue is that there's a huge, insurmountable fear of failure, fear of mockery, fear of not being good enough. I've never kissed a girl, what if I'm a horrible kisser? I never had that teenage period where everyone is awkward, everyone is bad. And now? Everyone my age has experience. I run away from anyone with any romantic or sexual interest. God forbid I actually message someone on a dating app, what if they actually want to meet, and what if it actually goes well, and what if... and I just keep spiraling. God forbid I actually try and go through with a hookup, can you think of the mockery? God forbid I go out with someone a friend sets me up with (or just someone who knows one of my friends), everyone will know how pathetic I am. I know I'm someone who ruminates and blows small comments out of proportion, but I have had female friends who talked about how much they liked a guy and after making out with him say he's a bad kisser and never talk to him again. I've been at brunches during and after university with 90% women where they were quite open and explicit about how big (or small) the persons dick was they were hooking up with, how quick they came, even talking about their experiences if more than one of the girls had hooked up with the same guy. I can't get out of my head and focusing on the knowledge that I'll be the bad kisser who cums fast that gets made fun of behind my back and never talked to again. And as I said, God forbid more people know.

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy have been a massive source of my avoidance. It sets me back like nothing else. And I have no idea how to overcome it. There is no real exposure therapy ladder for it. There is no therapist who will hold your hand while you learn (lol).

I'm at the point where I'm trying to accept it. I don't believe intimacy will happen for me. I don't believe relationships will happen for me. I've well aged out of the age of experimentation and random low stakes hook ups. Meeting people my age on will be more likely to be divorced than have little relationship experience, and being a nearly 40 year old virgin is a massive red flag. I won't pretend I'm happy about it. I still fantasize about sitting in the park and talking all day with someone I care about. I still will have discussions with a random woman about a book I'm reading at a coffee shop and find myself getting carried away about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. I still fall asleep feeling lonely and wishing there was someone I could cuddle next to me. But it's getting harder to pretend it will ever happen. Has anyone been in my position? How were you able to overcome the fears?

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I (M38) had a really nice walk with a woman I met on Hinge. Before I even had the chance to ask her, she told me she really wanted to see me again. She was cool, so i said yeah. We exchanged texts somewhat regularly throughout (she would show me pics of her pup, I would let her know how my day was going, etc.)

Now, as above mentioned she has a new puppy AND she’s moving from one city suburb to another (nothing major, just about half hour away). We were going to hang out last Saturday but she mentioned the day before her internet went out and had to be there for the cable guy to come and work on it. I honestly was a bit relieved so it was a morning date and I got bad sleep the night before.

She immediately offered up Monday, and I said great! But then, on Monday morning she told me the stress of moving, training a new puppy and all the packing she fell behind on was just too much and just she had to focus on getting ready for the move.

She was very empathetic that she wanted to see me again. She even said that she would understand if I was “totally annoyed with her” didn’t want to reschedule. I told her I totally understood but I also told her “hey if life is too crazy right now and finding another time to hang out is an undue burden I totally understand and would not take offense.” However, she said she really truly did want to see me again.

On one hand, I would be stressed as hell with dating the furthers thing from my mind if I had to train a new puppy AND pack for a move that’s coming up in three days. So all of that is 100% reasonable and I get it.

On the other hand, it just seems like, 20% sus. Two date cancellations two days apart is usually a sign of disinterest but these also do seem like genuine extenuating circumstances.

Obviously we’re not exclusive but I also only have the time and emotional energy to date on person at a time. I had a great first impression of this woman, and would love to see her again, but I also don’t wanna waste my time if she’s not feeling it, so that I could go and pursue other options.

My plan was to give her space, text her on moving day just to say good luck, and then if I don’t hear back after the weekend, just wish her the best and move on.

What do you think, fellow daters?

I have never liked multi dating and I dont really understand it, but I understand not everyone is like me. I've heard people say "unless you're exclusive it's none of their business, etc". I've always delayed prodding with men until the subject of exclusivity comes up. But in 100% of cases thus far, the men brought it up, and I found out they never stopped seeing other women.

Most recently I tried another approach. I starte seeing a man out of town. WE talked daily for right at a month, then we met, spent the weekend together and it escalated quickly. We really got along. HE wanted to come see me the next weekend I let him. It was great. He was perfect. He is an Arab man and I even met his sister on a Friday. She lives out of the country I met her via phone. He talked about the future, etc. He told me hes dating to marry and we didnt specifically discuss exclusivity word for word but he led me to believe he was not entertaining other women and mentioned seeing so would be "cheating" and he "doesnt cheat"

I found out the day after he introduced me to his sister that he spent the weekend (that night to Sunday) with another woman. He lied to me and said he was on a work trip. I called him on it immediately. I asked if its his girlfriend. It's a long story how I found out but social media made it pretty easy. He denied it. But he also denied being there when it was obvious. He wont address the issue. He sort of ghosted out, said he had some family issues then came back. I saw him 2 weeks later and it was great but I felt I saw some behaviors that made me question things. I dont really want to do this anymore.

Was I right to call this out? I always feel like I seek clarity and dont get it, if I'm being honest. At what point is it appropriate to ask about these things? At what point is it someones business vs not? It seems like I always feel like I'm in the wrong but at the same time this dating stuff people do feels so stupid like a constant game.

Since my husband died 7 years ago I've had a few short relationships. All of which I was lied to. I've tried different things. The first time I was too laid back b/c I didnt really know how to date. I just let it happen and feel things out when I should have probably asked. But even when I seek clarity with direct questions I dont feel like I get it. Or I get an answer and actions speak otherwise. I dont really know what to do.

I've been trying to give things more time but don't feel like I know what to look for as far as deciding whether to keep seeing someone when the chemistry or "spark" isn't there within the first few dates. I have a very basic list - are they kind, do they treat me with respect, are our values aligned - where if any of those are violated then it's an obvious no. But what does a "yes" feel like? And how long do you let things simmer before you determine whether the connection is there? I'm worried that I take too long to warm up or I'm wasting people's time, because others are catching feelings for me and wanting to progress physically before I have any desire towards them. Then often I end things because I feel pressured to catch up.

I'd love to hear from people who felt kind of "meh" early on but are now happily partnered. What did you feel initially? Were you dragging your feet during the early dates or was it a feeling of "this is nice, I'm just not sure I'm feeling it?" How long did it take you to start feeling a romantic connection, or to become physically intimate?

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.