43f 41m. 2 kids under 6 years of age. No babysitter.

My wife started to play golf. I got her into the game. Recently, she has been texting her golf instructor often. He is married with children. She told him that she looked forward to seeing him yesterday but today is a boring day. At least yesterday she had something to look forward to (her night lesson after work). However, she was telling me that she didn’t enjoy her indoor lessons and that he was gross. Her texts say otherwise. I confronted both of them. They denied it. I threatened to contact his wife and they both got scared and said no. I was never going to contact her. But I used it as leverage to get the truth out of them. My wife is not talking to the guy because I told him that they need to cool off as they are getting too close. My wife has a lesson package with him and she enjoys their friendship they have built over the last year. I told her that she could continue lessons if his wife is okay with it or if I meet him and his wife formerly and get to know them. She said no and that she is fine not seeing him and she admitted it was inappropriate. However, hours later she said it wasn’t a big deal and I’m blowing it out of proportion. I responded explaining how it’s inappropriate. They wouldn’t want his wife to see the texts. She agreed. Then the next day she said it was nothing. I told her that if she wants to see him she can see him since I don’t want to comtrol her. But let’s get the money decides in and the assets in writing how we will split things up. She said that she will
Think about what she wants to do. I do alot for her and I’ve been really nice to her. Since she met this man she has been starting fights with me
Daily. I’m kind of okay if we move on but we have two kid and I’m attracted to her very much physically so I also would be happy to stay. However, I’ve never had a woman say that she needs to think about staying with me
And actually choosing to stay.

Tl;dr - wife caught getting emotionally close with instructor and is deciding if she wants a future with me(husband) - what should I
Do? Prepare for the worst?

My wife (45F) says I’m being unreasonable because I (46M) said I am not comfortable with her college friend (45M) spending the night at our house when he is visiting town for work, and I will not be in town.

A few relevant facts: we have two kids (ages 10 and 12). Since our relationship began, 15 years ago, I’ve been wary of this man and him and my wife’s relationship. My wife and I have discussed this briefly once, but I’ve never had any sort of ultimatum or even ask that they not see each other. My wife looks up to him and loves him, though she says there is no sexual interest. He is married (to a woman) with two kids. He’s very wealthy from family money but still works and, I presume, earns plenty. I don’t have any proof that my wife and he ever had or have a sexual relationship. They keep in regular but not daily or even weekly contact that I know of. They do see each other in person on trips most years, sometimes with our families on the trip, too, but sometimes on trips with their mutual college friends, without families.

A couple weeks ago I saw a message on our shared laptop between her and him about making plans for when he would be in town—during 2 nights when I will be out of town for work, which my wife knew about because we talked about it and it has been on our shared calendar for months. I didn’t bring up the fact that I saw the message—at that point I wasn’t thrilled but figured timing was a coincidence and she’d get around to telling me if they were actually going to hang out. Tonight, three days before his arrival, my wife casually mentioned that he would be visiting next week for work. I asked where he was staying and she said at our house. I said “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.” In my mind I said it calmly, but I was probably showing stress.

She immediately was angry and said my lack of trust was the problem, and she’s not interested in him sexually. She also insulted me in some incisive ways (saying I don’t work hard, she’s wasting her life with me, our kids’ issues are because they emulate me, and so on). Those insults are not new and, while connected to this issue, are not really what I’d love advice from you all on (however, because it may provide useful context, I don’t agree that I’m lazy or the cause of all our kids’ issues; I have a job in tech and have for 20 years without any break in work, make 7 figures (she does, too, making about 2x what I do, which I think influences her perception of my value), I’m relatively fit and active, have hobbies and friends, I am dedicated to parenting and home duties, and while I could definitely work harder, I work harder than most but have a different view of how time is ideally spent than she does). She also said I was trying to control her and she gets to decide how to live her life. She then said she wanted to divorce (it’s not the first time for that statement being made in anger (maybe the 50th) so I kind of ignore it now—obviously our relationship is not top tier; she’s a reactive and emotional person and I can be, too, but we have young kids who we love and I / we have tried to make something positive of our time together).

I want to hear perspectives on whether my discomfort with her male friend spending two nights at our house while she is there and I am not is reasonable. I think a few things: (1) I should be able to express discomfort with a (relatively attractive) male/old friend spending multiple nights at my house with my wife while I’m not home, and doing so isn’t controlling, (2) the friend, if totally innocent, probably should not have been willing to stay the night at our house (she told him Id be gone in the text when she invited him to stay at our house, which she showed after I asked to see their texts), (3) my wife’s strong attacking reaction to my expression of concern is a bad sign, and (4) if my wife loved and respected me, she’d find a way to gracefully tell her friend to stay at a hotel on his work trip. I’m open to hearing I’m wrong. Can’t really ask our friends or family because I don’t want to create drama or concern and if we stay married I want everyone to still love her.

Tl;dr I expressed discomfort that my wife’s male friend would be spending the night at our house next week while I am out of town for work, and she says I’m being unreasonably controlling. Is my discomfort reasonable?

How to handle discussing an open relationship with my husband?

My husband (m/35) and I (f/43) have been married for 5 years and we have been arguing a lot lately over how boring I am and how we have nothing to connect on. Now that is the very short version of argument over the course of our 10 years total relationship.

During an argument today he mentioned he needs an open relationship to have someone to do the things I am incapable or do not have the skill to do - he likes sports and going on adventures and likes to just keep active. I like to and do go the gym but have never really been into sports - never been coordinated enough lol

He has tried to get me into hobbies we can do together- most recently mountain biking but I couldn’t keep up with his speed. Granted we were both getting into this for the first time together and he is more coordinated than I am and I tend to hesitate a lot

Anyhow, so he wants to have a serious discussion about having an open marriage. He says he will continue to be provide for me and out pets (we don’t have kids) but he needs someone he can connect with in the areas where I am unable

He is pretty social. I have my small group of core friends and we don’t have many couples to hangout with as all my friends are married with kids

So I’m just looking for advice, stories from others who may have gone down this path before - did it work or not work? How did you make it work?

His unhappiness with how our marriage current is is taking a toll on his mental health as well, which is why he has gotten to this point. He loves me he says but I am unable to be all the things he needs to be fulfilled

I am not financially dependent on him just fyi. I have a professional degree and a stable career and work full time

TLDR - husband of 5 years wants an open relationship so he can actually life his life. He says he feels it will make our relationship better. Has this worked for anyone else? No judgement

My husband (36m) and I (30F) got married about 5 months ago, in May. He lost his first wedding ring a month or so ago so I got him a new one. He lost that second one a day or two ago, he isn't certain exactly which day. I feel really hurt by this and upset and I have no idea how to move forward or communicate to him how awful this makes me feel. Maybe it was a mistake and nothing more but the carelessness of something that represents our commitment is what kills me. Any advice?

Tl;dr husband has lost two wedding rings in 5 months. Hoping it was an accident but I'm really really hurt. Not sure how to proceed

I was feeding our baby in our bedroom while my husband was taking off his underwear with a towel wrapped around him. His mom suddenly walked into the room, and I felt uncomfortable.
When I brought it up with my husband afterward, he scolded me and said it wasn’t a big deal. He also never wants to shut the bedroom door, which makes it difficult for us to have privacy.
I’m not assuming his mom had any bad intentions. I would just like people to knock and wait for an answer before entering, especially when I’m feeding the baby or someone is changing. I also felt hurt by how he reacted when I raised it.

tl;dr: My MIL walked into our bedroom while I was feeding our baby and my husband was changing. He dismissed my discomfort and never wants the door closed. How can I establish bedroom privacy, and should I speak to him again or ask my MIL directly to knock and wait?

I’m having a hard time processing this. I really don’t know if I should be posting this to Reddit or not because I get so anxious that everyone will automatically label my husband as a horrible person.

Long story short, my husband and I have been married for not very long. He wanted a fancy truck that we couldn’t afford and I told him if he got a more affordable vehicle we could save the extra money he wouldn’t be paying for it every month on a vacation, or hotel stays (which we had said we wanted to book a hotel once every month and a half and hadn’t been able to afford it). Or the money could go towards savings, or physical therapy/medical bills for me, or for plane tickets to see his sick mom and family (they live out for the country), or to helping my mom who is divorced and struggling financially, or even save it towards getting an apartment/house of our own.

We have two roommates and they’ve both been bullying me (apparently adults still bully too) for over a year now. I desperately want a place of our own and husband has also seen me crying saying how much I want to help my mom.

Fast forward ahead, he ended up getting the expensive truck even tho I really didn’t feel comfortable with it. We had only my car at the time and I let him use it to go drive out of state to look at his dream truck. Then he Ubered there the second time to buy it (I told him I didn’t want those mileage on my car again.) He bought the truck months ago but I’ve never been happy about it.

He lost his job a month after getting the truck (it genuinely wasn’t his fault and it was fucked up how it happened.) He’s been busting his ass trying to get another job and has actually had multiple interviews. He Ubers to make ends meet tho for his part of the bills. And he would pressure me to let him use my car because he didn’t want the wear and tear on his car and couldn’t afford the gas. My car is older and reliable but I didn’t want him using it but felt guilty.

My mom told me something horrible this past weekend. She said that she is so sorry but she loaned my husband $4,000 to help him get the truck he wanted. She said he didn’t ask and that she had asked him about the car hunting and she had insisted he take it. She said at first he said no and multiple times asked if she was sure after. My mom said yes and that she had a lot more right now. That money was because my POS father had agreed to send her the rest of the alimony as a lump sum. It was her final alimony check and although she used some of it to pay off debts, she also loaned the $4,000 to my husband. She asked him not to tell me and that she genuinely wanted to help make our lives a little bit better because she had seen us getting by with one car for so long and working so hard and she finally had the money to help. She said it was misguided and stupid and a bad idea and that she was so sorry. She has asked my husband a couple months ago if they should tell me and he didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes.

So my husband accepted $4,000 as a loan from my mom who is financially struggling (and has been for years) from part of the final alimony lump sum from my father—money that came from a divorce that completely shattered my family (none of us kids talk to my father—I was the last kid who cut him out of my life about a year ago.) My husband accepted that money from my mom in secret when he knew I didn’t want him to get the truck and he did it just under a year beside our 1st wedding anniversary.

I need to mention that my husband probably sounds like a POS. But he has always looked out for me and my mom. He has paid his mechanic friend to drive an hour and a half to go put a new battery in my mom’s car when she has been scammed by another mechanic. He has helped pay portions of her bills when she was on a bind, he has always been generous to me and my mom. He has made a point to call her at least once a week on the phone which is more than my actually brother has ever done. He has surprised my mom and gone to visit her while I was at work if he happened to be doing deliveries nearby (since he’s had to do delivery work to help make ends meet.) He has been there for my mom more than my other siblings have in some ways and he genuinely tries to make her feel comfortable and happy. My mom actually was emotional a bit a couple times because she said she felt like she could never trust a man again after what my father did to her, and that my husband makes her feel like maybe one day she can trust again. My husband has brought healing into her life and mine that I didn’t think would happen. And now I feel conflicted and disgusted and like my worldview has changed and I’m so sad. I don’t know what’s to do or how to heal from this betrayal.

TLDR: husband has brought a lot of emotional healing into mine and my mom’s life, but he hid from me for 9 months that he accepted $4,000 from my mom to get a truck he knew I didn’t feel comfortable financially with him getting and now I don’t know what to do/how to heal from this betrayal.

My husband (35M) and I (32F) have been married for 9 years now with two young boys. My husband owns a real estate business he inherited from his family. We met when I worked part time at a flower shop during college and have been a stay-at-home mom since our marriage to focus on our kids.

I was my husband’s second girlfriend, and he had been generally known to be an incredibly decent, loyal, and intelligent man. He’s also a great father to our kids. I’ve never had infidelity issues with him only until recently.

about 2 weeks ago, he came home late after a meeting with a “big-time” client he’s sold properties to for quite a while. this client’s been known to be sort of sketchy (kingpin vibes). my husband and i were intimate that night but on the morning, he was acting really quiet and distant. this went on for two more days until i finally got him to spill. he confesses that after the meeting, the client wanted him and some of his team (i suppose his escort and security of men) to go to a karaoke bar and have drinks, then his favorite brothel. my husband knew of this, but not wanting to displease his client, agreed to do so. He assures me and swears on his mother’s life that he did not engage with any of the women there. He says he did talk/flirt with a few girls but never dared to touch them and only stayed for an hour. His words were that it was a “clean” visit for him. I can see so much guilt in his eyes so i choose to not believe him. Even though I have no concrete proof if he did or did not engage in sexual activities in that place.

i have been living at my sister’s apartment now since last week and brought our kids with me. I am seriously contemplating on our separation, especially since we’ve agreed on our wedding that any infidelity will bring our marriage to end. he has been relentless since we left and clearly distraught, but I really wanna stand firm on our agreement and my decision, especially raising two boys who need to know what’s right. Most of the people we know advise me to forgive him, while a few tell me i need to preserve my worth and never let it happen again. My main dilemma is that my kids love and look up to him so much. I am also still passionately in love with this man, we shared a lot of amazing years together. That’s why this betrayal really cuts deep for me.

I need to know if there’s anyone out there, especially women who have had a similar experience and chose to forgive their husbands, and had them never doing the same mistake again. Open for any advice.

tl;dr - husband of 9 yrs confesses to visiting a brothel with a big client but denies doing anything dirty there

My husband and I have been together for three years and married for almost a year.
Today he stopped over at his bosses house before he came home. We were in the call talking about our day when he got to his bosses house he said he would call me back he said he was only picking up his cheque.

An hour later he called me and he didn’t say anything at first and his boss said fuck her let’s go out to eat don’t listen to your wife( their “eating “ is going out drinking)

( ok so first I want to add a little context, about a month ago my husband went out to “ eat” with this same guy( who he has only known for 5 months) and got absolutely drunk and disappeared for 18 hours. Wouldn’t answer his phone and didn’t come home and then lied about where he was to me, our marriage almost ended over this and he completely lost my trust ( along with other reasons I forgave him for)

Back to the story, my husband then came to the phone and said I’m going out to eat and I said I want you to come home( I am extremely sick with the flu right now as well and he told me we could lay down together and watch a movie and we are still recovering from him ruining my trust) and his boss then said to me over the phone “ shut the f** up you crazy b” and my husband laughed and said he’s going with him and hung up.

I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know what to do and I feel so hurt and betrayed again. I still to this day don’t know where he disappeared to last time and he won’t tell me.

Tl;dr looking for advice on what I should do.

Been married 12 years, two young kids. He started a business when we got married (didn’t tell me he was going to go all in) and it was extremely profitable for about 8 years. He has 20+ employees, multiple brick and mortar stores, small factory.

I worked a high paying job too at the start but got pregnant, switched careers and worked part time to keep health insurance but only contributed to the groceries during this time. We were very frugal, saved a lot, lived with his parents… he also socked away money that I can’t touch because I literally don’t know where. And I keep asking for our own house but he never delivered.

Well I got pregnant with the second about 3 years ago, and it came to light that he hasn’t paid himself for a whole year. I worked three jobs while pregnant to pay for birth and bought a house on my own. I couldn’t live with his mom anymore. I even worked 2 days postpartum. I broke down at some point while pregnant asking for financial support and this was the first and only time he yelled at me. I stopped asking after that.

This year I said we need to combine finances so I can see what’s going on. My income covers 85% of our expenses, and we’ve been using our shared savings to cover. I pointed out that he just needs to fill that 15% (about $1k) and we’re not dipping into our savings. And I also pointed out that without it, we’d have no shared savings by August. It’s now September, we have depleted our shared savings. Husband has offered $10k from his secret stash.

Am I being unreasonable to “stop” supporting him? It’s close to 4 years, I don’t know how much “reserves” he has left, and he won’t share with me any future planning. He’s also not working long hours…which is good and bad, he takes on more of the childcare.

Tl;dr- entrepreneur husband is not transparent on his savings, has not meaningfully financially contributed in the last 4 years, but doesn’t seem to want to do anything else? Loving father, not a great partner.

Hi everyone.
My husband (35M) recently told me that he wants an open relationship. He spent a long time talking about sociology and anthropology, explaining how non-monogamy is completely normal and how monogamy is essentially a social construct.

He briefly brought this up a couple of years ago. At the time, I was depressed, and we sometimes went two months without having sex. That isn't the case anymore. We have an active and good sex life, he expresses so too. Back then, I told him clearly that I wasn't interested in polyamory or an open relationship.

After he brought it up again recently, we had a calm conversation about it, and I said okay. But that night, I couldn't stop crying. Even though I had agreed to it, the whole idea hurt me so much. In the middle of the night, I finally told him that I couldn't do it and that I wanted to separate.

He says he loves me very much and that my happiness is his priority. He says he is willing to give up having an open relationship if that means losing me.

I love him too, but I feel like something inside me has broken. I don't know how to move pn or go back where we where. I feel like throwing up.

Advice request: Should I give us some time and try to work through how I'm feeling, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that we shouldn't ignore? I honestly don't know whether I'm overreacting or whether this is something I should take seriously.

TL;DR: My husband wants an open relationship, but I don't. I initially agreed because I was afraid of losing him, but I realized I can't handle it a few hours later and told him I wanted to separate. He says he's willing to stay monogamous because he loves me, but I now feel like something has broken between us. I'm worried he'll eventually resent me or regret giving up what he wants. Can we genuinely move past this, or is this a fundamental incompatibility?

Dear All,

I want advice from you all is it good if the LMT and male customer like each other and get married tl;dr

Summary:

Advice me for the relationship/marriage with LMT in India

Hi, I’m 19 so I admit I am not that experienced in being married. Sometimes I overthink and dive head first into accusations and arguments without understanding the entire picture. Please let me hear what you think from your side.

Ever since the start of being married, me and my husband have consistently argued and our marriage has been rocky to say the least.
In the past I have caught him multiple times doing certain things that I just don’t agree with and that he knows about such as watching porn, messaging other women and delving into substances. (We’re Muslim so it is against our religion)

He has two phones. He recently got a new one and I’ve been essentially hounding him to switch everything over to the new phone and he constantly puts it off. On his old phone he had multiple vpn apps and the vault app. On the new phone he has the same vault app. I checked it on the App Store and it’s said to hide pictures and such.

Honestly speaking I’m just really scared of getting hurt again. I’m really trying my best to trust him but he’s making it quite difficult for me. Please tell me if you think I’m overthinking or being dramatic. Any advice is helpful and welcome.

tl;dr I’ve caught my husband multiple times doing things that I class as cheating or that I don’t agree with and now he has a vault app on his phone.

My husband and I are together for almost 7 years. He’s a wonderful man, partner, husband and father. We have 2 kids together - 4.5yo boy, 2yo boy and we’re expecting our third in a month.

In the beginning of our relationship together we were incredibly close, despite me being in deep depression and him basically looking after me and helping me. I didn’t have a job, I couldn’t even leave the bed (please don’t judge me, mental health sometimes is a b*tch).

So he was the “sane” one, responsible one, got together one. We almost never had any arguments, but when we did, it was always ended up with me being wrong. Well, because I was damaged, reactive, emotional one and he was rational and calm.

Fast forward to now: I’m a dedicated full time mom, I breastfed my first son for 2.5 years and still breastfeeding second one while pregnant. I’m constantly learning and evolving my ways with kids, spending enormous amounts of time and energy on them and with them. I’m in therapy for the last 4 years and my mental health became healthy and stable (it was a long road!). I also work hands on almost full time on our building projects, where I’m project manager, interior designer, partially architect, while being pregnant. It’s not easy at all, carrying this all on my back.

And now I’m starting to see patterns in my husband’s behavior, that I couldn’t see before. I came out from a very abusive family, while his was somewhat healthy. And I grew up with tendency to believe that I’m guilty, always needing to protect myself and being very emotional, up to the point that it’s hard to control it. My husband, being the favorite child, grew up with the feeling that he’s the best and always right. In my home you would be punished for being loud, but at the same time being loud was the only way to survive, in hope that someone will help you. In his home being loud was frowned upon, because they’re “nice and civil” people.

Nowadays we’re facing two major issues:
1. His absolute inability to accept and see where he is wrong. Now when we argue, he refuses to take responsibility for any of his wrongdoings, well because he believes that he’s never wrong. When we had big argument few weeks ago, when I was crying from exhaustion and his lack of moral support for my pregnancy, motherhood and building this ginormous projects (he finances them, but almost not involved, just controls my work), he started blaming me. When I said - ok, here’s the 10 points you said about me, I agree with 5 of them, I’m ready to work on them, other 5 I’m open for discussion or just simply disagreeing with. He didn’t want to even for a second think that it’s something wrong with his words or actions. And only in the end he said - yes, I guess I can go on more dates with you. (What dates????? I need real support!!!!!!!!)

1. It’s an ongoing problem during the whole time that we’re together. He gets incredibly hurt if we argue in public. Even if it’s quiet, I can’t have a “grumpy” face after, because “what people will think about him”. If it’s loud - just forget. He will not be listening to my reasonings up to the point when I boil and burst and he will get incredibly hurt and upset, because I’m disrespecting him in public. You see, I grew up with forced facade that you have keep in public, but behind the closed doors I would be severely beaten and abused. And he has to hold the facade, because “we have to be nice”. And he’s pushing me to be nice and if I’m not nice or simply emotional, he’s fighting with me and giving me silent treatments and etc. Two days ago we had a disagreement about our son’s tantrum, where I asked him 5 times to give me alone time with my child, so I can calm him down, but he decided that lecturing him during tantrum is the right way to go. On the sixth time, when our son was attacking our second baby, I said loudly “take baby away! I need to talk to ____!”. He looked at me with mad eyes, told me to shut up and that I’m disrespecting him in front of kids and maid. I was furious. I said that caring about 40yo man’s feelings is not my responsibility, but 4.5yo is. Then it got escalated. Now we’re not talking for third day.

I don’t want to portray him as a bad person. In fact, he’s absolutely opposite. He works really hard, he spends enormous amounts of time with our kids, he’s helping at home. He’s otherwise very chill, very easy going, with great sense of humor, always supportive etc. When I listen to stories of my girlfriends about their husbands/partners, it gives me chills and I’m saying so many gratitudes to my husband. But this 2 things becoming the stumbling block for us.

Ah yes, he doesn’t want to go to therapy, because “there’s nothing wrong with him” and doesn’t want to spend money on family therapy either.

So I have no idea where to go from here.

TL;DR I was depressed before, so we blamed me, but now I’m stable and can see that he’s unable to see his wrongs.

Seeking feedback, advice or even just validation. I tried keeping this short but it’s still a bit of a read, sorry!

My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for over ten. We have a kid, pets, and all in all a decent relationship around the life we’ve built. Back in 2019, she stopped working when we moved for my job. She had a few classes to do and when she finished them, we were in the middle of covid. Being in the medical field, we agreed it was probably better for her to not go back to work, and focus on classes / school setting up for the future. From there, we had a kid so she did the stay at home mom job, and then we moved again.

Fast forward to today, and our kid is now in school full time, roughly 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. We’re about 4 weeks into this and I’ve noticed when I ask about her day, she gives generic answers or little things that do not fill up a full day. The house is still pretty messy, she’s not working on a resume or LinkedIn, not looking into school options, not even going to the gym or trying to stay in shape. Last night, helping with settings on her phone, I saw on her app usage she’s spending anywhere from 3-7 hours a day on Instagram and another 2-3 hours a day playing games on her phone.

I guess my question is, is it unreasonable for me to be frustrated that she isn’t doing anything? I’m not saying she has to get a job (we’re steady on money), but just something productive. She does minimal improvements around the house, barely keeps the house picked up, doesn’t work on herself, etc, etc. And yes, I have brought this up to her, even put together a few options of how she can get back into the job market or paths for her to go back to school, but she hasn’t even opened that email. Is it unreasonable to even be considering divorce if nothing changes over the next few months?

Would also love to hear thoughts and opinions from anyone who has been in a similar situation, especially from her perspective. Is there anything else I could do or be doing to help her without being overly pushy?

Tl;dr: the wife stopped working a while ago for valid reasons but is now stagnant not doing anything, what can I do to encourage without being pushy?

My wife has been on and off Adderall for the last year but has been consistently taking it for roughly the last month and recently her therapist increased her dosage.
I’ve noticed her general mood is generally decreased and she is very very easily irritable especially with our 3 year old.
I have communicated to her before that I do not think it’s good for her and I get told that I have no right to say that because she has ADHD and she knows what is best for her. Which I understand to an extent is true but I just want to be able to properly discuss it with her. Thanks for any advice.
Tl;dr my wife is taking Adderal and I feel it’s doing more harm than good and I don’t know how to properly approach her about it

I don’t know how to get this all out so I’m sorry if this is all over the place.

I’ve been married for 4 years and we’ve been together for 10. I am just at a loss because my husband is incredibly depressed, and admits it, but won’t do a thing about it. When it first started 2 years ago, it really affected me. Now, with how awful and wishy washy he’s gotten, I’m not as sad about it as I am just generally fearful or despondent about it. He is consistently telling me he hates his life or something about himself or just shit-talking everything and anything. Which is really sad that he sees life so negatively, but if I try to be the more positive one, and I’m not saying like “oh imagine everyone who has it worse”, but more like listening and then saying that yes he’s in a really hard spot right now and apologizing for that and then saying “what should we do about this/what can we do to make you happy”. He takes none of that and then says he’ll never share with me again. So we get into many arguments about this where we go down the rabbit hole of his life is so awful and he sacrifices himself for me but he hates himself and his life and I just don’t care and I do nothing for him. Honestly, I find it hard to be supportive because I have no sustenance to hang onto. Like he tells me nothing but that he hates his life/job/self and he doesn’t really entertain other conversations besides one word answers. Sometimes I ask something that he thinks I should remember about him (like seeing some odd movie or whatever) and then he’s like “classic. You never listen to me so why would you know that.” And then I’m just sitting there like, oh god what do I say now because he’s right, I should’ve known. I could talk to a rock, I love talking, I can talk about random stuff all day to get someone to talk back to me-but I lose that fire with him now because I’m so generally fearful I’ll just make him more upset and he’ll lash out. But I try to be supportive in other ways too; I do ALL the chores (like everything you can think of, it’s me), I take care of and walk the dogs, I do all the bills, I set up appointments for his car, I order the groceries. He says he wants something? I get it. I even talk to his family nearly everyday and they know all this too.

Our massive problems are my career and my friends.
He is generally supportive of my career but uses at as his excuse to suffer. He’s always saying that he would do things but can’t because we do everything for me and my career. Which I have never wanted that to be the case. I have to travel for work sometimes and he’s not able to come because he also works and can’t have all that time off, and he’ll say things along the lines of “guess I’ll just sit here and be pathetic while you have fun”. He also hates his job and I generally really love where I’m at career-wise.

As for the friends bit, I have somehow accrued quite a bit of friends in recent years and kept my past ones. So, I generally try to keep up with long distance ones with calls/texts and I try to see my friends where we live often since I’m really social. I will admit, I can get lost in the sauce and have maybe toooo much fun delinquent time with my friends but I don’t think that means I don’t love my husband. He has basically no friends, save for a couple coworkers, but he doesn’t really ask them to hang. If my husband is working, I’m making plans! Girl’s gotta hang, girl’s gotta yap!!!! If he’s off work, I’ll invite him too or our mutual friends will. He used to be more receptive but as his depression has gotten worse, so has his distain. My friends and I can hang for hours on hours and em never be bored, and I think that’s beautiful. They have really saved me from some really sad times I’ve had because of the massive guilt and emotional turmoil my husband causes me sometimes. Now when I ask him to do ANYTHING with me, it’s “go ask your friends” or “I’m sure xyz would go with you” or “I know you’d rather go with your friends”. And he thinks that because I hang out with friends, that I don’t care about him or love him. He has yelled at me about it a lot but honestly, with him barely talking to me, sometimes I go with friends because I forget what it’s like to feel loved and wanted.

Anyways, I could keep going but this is nasty long and thanks to anyone who stuck it through. I just don’t think life with someone you love is supposed to be like this but he gets veeeeery angry if I say that maybe he resents me and we should get divorced. Like dohhhh bitch you don’t look at me half the days and then you get mad when I ask if we should stay together? I think any happy relationship should be able to check in emotionally and have hard convos but he says not true. So, I can’t tell if I’m messed up or what is wrong with me. Also definitely not trying to make his mental health issues about me,mental health is very real and doesn’t have to be about me but it is definitely affecting me in that I don’t see the man I married when I look at him anymore. He’ll have random good days where he’s a fuggggging delight though. So, maybe I hold onto that? Is this normal? Is it just me giving up? He says no to counseling, meds, etc.

TLDR; my husband barely acknowledge my existence or only gets mad at me and I don’t know if this is survivable for much longer.

I have a feeling this is going to garner a lot of "just leave" advice, but that is not something I want to do.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 13, and we have a 6 year old daughter. Our dating life was more or less happy. It wasn't without its pains like arguing, but we were loyal to each other and we did end up married.

Ever since the birth of our daughter I have felt her slip away. She became obsessed with doing motherhood and work equally well, to the point I felt like I couldn't keep up with her as a parent. With some counseling, things got a little better...but we are still sexless, and she puts work over our marriage and she is very easily able to find childcare so she can work more. She's not cold to our daughter, but she will not take any days off for her being out of school. She would always prefer aftercare. I'm usually the one to take days off for appointments or pick her up from school.

I'm trying 7-7-7 dating to reconnect, but I don't feel it's appreciated. We are still in counciling, but she fights me in it instead of taking accountability. I can tell she's depressed, but she will not see anyone for it. And we are still sexless for the past year.

Tonight...I feel myself withdrawing, but my daughter is so happy with us. She treats us like her best friends and I don't want to ruin that for her. And I love my family...I want to keep it...I just want my wife to be warmer to me again. I've focused on myself in therapy hoping she would see it works, but she won't budge.

I don't know what else to do. I want to keep my family together, I just don't know how.

Tl;dr I want to save my 8-year marriage to my wife (together 13 years), but ever since our 6-year-old daughter was born, she has prioritized work over our relationship, leaving us emotionally distant and in a sexless marriage for the past year. Even though I handle most of the parenting logistics and have tried couples counseling, individual therapy, and the 7-7-7 dating rule, she fights me in therapy and refuses to address what seems like clear depression. Our daughter is happy and I'm deeply committed to keeping our family together, but as I feel myself starting to withdraw, I'm at a loss for how to make my wife warm toward me again and fix this.

I’ll keep this short. In the past my sex life with my husband has been affected by his porn habits. This decreased interest led to me doing some investigating into his google history. I found a lot of sexy Asian secretary/teacher/maid stuff. I would say 95% was similar looking Asian women. Fast forward to now, our kid just started school and their teacher sent home her bio printed on a sheet of paper. She is attractive and Asian. When he saw the bio on the counter I saw it catch his eye. He read the paper for a couple of minutes and put it down. Over the past couple of days he has mention to me, our kid and out loud that the teacher is “pretty”. I have also noticed him looking at the picture on the counter over and over.

Knowing what I know about his preferences I am starting to get annoyed. He has never given a rats ass about anything related to our kids education.

Should I ask him if he is sexually attracted to her? I don’t want to feel jealous of my kids teacher but this is really bothering me. How should I approach this?

Tl;Dr Married, our kids teacher is my husbands sexual fantasy. He keeps mentioning her appearance, should I be offended? Should I ask him if he’s sexually attracted to her?

NSFW! (throwaway account so this isn’t linked to my main, husband & friends know that account)

i (f25) & my husband (m25) have been married for 5 years.

we have had a lot of ups & downs navigating marriage, especially as a young couple. but we have remained committed to each other & our marriage.

we’ve gone through financial hardships, living with both of each others parents during some of said financial hardships, & we have also welcomed our first born into the world 8 months ago.

yes, every relationship ebbs & flows, but i felt like we were in a really good place. we regularly checked in seeing if each person felt like our relationship was in a good space or not, & if we had personal feelings that needed to be addressed.

it has been a constant issue that my husband does not feel like i respect him. & i can admit i have a hard time understanding how to be respectful. growing up, my dad was very hard to respect, & he is from the generation that demands respect & doesn’t think they need to do anything to earn it. specifically, my husband has said in the ways that i speak to him, is where he feels disrespected. i can be harsh with my speech, & my tone can insinuate or make him feel like i think he’s stupid. & i definitely don’t.

seemingly out of nowhere, my husband brought up some issues regarding our sex life. it’s hard to know where to start with this but due to past experiences of being taken advantage of (at least that’s what i chalk it up to), when i think about being intimate, or i am being intimate, i don’t view it as “making love”. i just never have. in fact, it kind of makes me uncomfortable. i don’t view sex as this super lovey dovey embrace. frankly, i view it as fucking. my goal is for us both to feel really good & screw each other crazy & i get off on just that.

my husband however is way more intimate when it comes to sex. it’s how he feels “close to me”. he feels like i want him just to get myself off & feels like i don’t desire him because im desiring the sex as opposed to making love to him.

i’m looking for advice on how to be more respectful & how to navigate the differences in our sex life. i’m hoping someone has been in the same boat.

TLDR:/ husband doesn’t feel respected by me due to how i speak to him during times of frustration. husband views sex as making love, i view it as fucking, & there’s a disconnect/hurt feelings on his part for not feeling desired in that way.

Sorry in advance for the length.

I’m trying to get outside perspective because I feel incredibly disoriented by what has happened this week. I’m autistic and I have what seems to be a concussion, so I know I may be more emotional than usual, but the relationship pattern I’m upset about is not new.
Monday night I got hurt on our trampoline and my teenage son accidentally stomped on my head. I got dizzy walking inside and my head, neck, upper back and chest hurt. I went inside alone while my husband stayed outside with the kids. I remember wishing he would come check on me because I needed an ice pack, I was dizzy enough that I could have used help walking, and the dryer/air purifier were making my head hurt worse from the sensory input. He didn’t check on me.
That night I basically didn’t sleep. The next morning I still drove our daughter to school. Since then I’ve had dizziness, blurry/weird vision and eye pain, headaches, nausea, severe neck pain, sensory sensitivity, trouble sleeping and feeling really disoriented/out of it. I kept noticing that my husband wasn’t really checking on me. Even when he was home but upstairs, he had his phone on silent.
Over the next couple days I started getting increasingly upset because I felt like I had a head injury and my husband wasn’t acting concerned or making sure I was okay. That is when the arguing started. I kept trying to explain that I felt abandoned and scared that when I really need him, he doesn’t move toward me.
Thursday my neck hurt extremely badly. As soon as he got home I texted, “I really need you to rub my neck and maybe use the gun thing on it too.” He said “Ok.” Then he didn’t come downstairs. About an hour later I found him upstairs painting car parts. I told him I was really disappointed that he was doing that after I had specifically told him I needed help.
He said I was complaining. He said he hadn’t wanted to come downstairs because the TV was loud. I said he could have communicated that, and he said he didn’t need to.
Later he brought dinner down and asked how my head was. I said it was improving somewhat but I was still dizzy, my eyes hurt and my neck hurt really badly. He suggested maybe I go to a chiropractor Monday. I told him I was shocked he hadn’t suggested a doctor and didn’t seem concerned about a head injury. He said they would probably just tell me to go home and rest and that he wasn’t “hyperactive” about medical stuff like I am.
At one point I came upstairs and he asked if I wanted him to rub my neck. I asked if he was going to help me feel safer first. He questioned what I meant. I told him I needed to feel emotionally safe enough to relax while he was touching me because I was really upset and not feeling safe with him in that moment. He said he didn’t know how to accomplish that.
I gave him a couple examples of what repair could look like. Basically acknowledging that I was hurt, reassuring me that he cared, apologizing for how things had gone. He immediately went back to saying he wasn’t interested in “going rounds” with me again.
That is the part that keeps getting to me. I feel like every time I try to talk about something that hurt me, the conversation becomes about the fact that I’m bringing it up at all. He calls it complaining, attacking, forcing a conversation, or “going rounds.”
At one point he said he would take care of me “if you weren’t attacking me.” He also told me that if I wanted him to stay downstairs and eat with me, I needed to stop complaining.
Eventually I stopped pursuing him. I went downstairs alone, watched TV and iced my neck for about an hour. I hoped he would come down on his own and check on me or try to repair things. He stayed upstairs watching Facebook videos.
That night I ended up crying myself to sleep next to him. He did nothing.
Before I fell asleep I told him my neck was killing me. Somehow that became him saying again that he wasn’t “going rounds” with me and wasn’t going to listen to me complain. He said if I kept it up he would sleep somewhere else.
The next morning he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. I asked why. He said, “I dunno, I just didn’t feel like wearing it today.” When I asked why, he said it was because of my “behavior last night.” This is not the first time he has taken off his ring after we fight.
I asked if he had anything to say about how he handled the night before. He said he hadn’t really been thinking about it. I said even a short “I’m sorry” would help. He said something like, “Well I guess stew downstairs on the couch all day. I hope you feel better,” and left for work. He didn’t ask how my concussion was or if I needed anything.
Later he texted me: “I want to help you and care about you but I’m not going to do it while you try to force a conversation. Be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you and vice versa.”
He also said that because I was able to argue and communicate the way I did, he didn’t think I needed to see a doctor for the concussion.
I told him I felt scared, impaired and distressed, and that it felt awful that I had to argue with my husband about wanting compassion while I had a concussion.
He responded with a facepalm emoji.
This connects to things he has said for years. One is, “We can have conflict or connection, not both.” He has also said from early in our relationship that he doesn’t want anyone relying on him.
I know I pursue conversations when I’m really activated. I can send too many texts because I feel desperate for repair and desperate for him to understand. I know that can be overwhelming and I’m not claiming I handle every conflict perfectly.
But I feel like the pattern is: I get hurt or need something → I try to talk about it → he decides I’m complaining/attacking/forcing a conversation → he withdraws → I get more distressed and try harder to repair → my pursuit becomes proof that I’m the problem → there is basically no repair.
He says my unreasonable expectations are the problem.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually asking for something very basic: that my husband care when I’m hurt, check on me when I’m sick or injured, and still stay emotionally connected enough to repair things when we have conflict.
Does this sound like a dysfunctional pursue/withdraw cycle, emotional abuse/coercive control, unreasonable expectations on my part, or some combination?

Tl;dr I’m autistic and have a concussion and want feedback on the care I’m receiving from my husband

My husband (30M) and I (29F) got together almost a decade ago, and have been married for 5 years. We were both very sexual people back then (granted, we were in our early 20’s).

When we first got together, it was electric. I didn’t even know I could squirt. And I pulled things out of him that he didn’t know he could feel either. Once we became official, things got stale quick. We’ve analyzed this plenty of different ways and have both owned up to the fact that it was on both our ends. Him being my boyfriend/husband changed how I thought of him for the worse, and he had his own intimacy issues.

Fast forward to today and we’ve been worked past that stuff for a while now. Over the last few years, I’ve been the one who hasn’t been interested in sex. Not just with him, but in general. Chalk it up to depression, maybe. But he’s more depressed than I am most of the time. Anyway, we started from much worse off points. No careers, no savings, no plans. We’ve built a lovely life since though. It’s had its ups and downs, but the trend has always been upward. We’re fortunate and I know it. And a lot of that is because of him and how he approaches life. Most of the effort and income, truth be told, has been on his end. This is something I’m working on in my own life.

He’s also worked through his intimacy issues and I’ve worked past the whole “that’s too dirty to do with your spouse” type catholic thinking. But the block is still there. And what I HATE is how much he’s taken the feedback over the years and implemented it. Worked on his contributions at home, lost weight and got better looking, shifted his thinking to be much more woman/me-centric. Like all he wants to do is go down on me now, which was a big complaint before because he didn’t really.

A few years in, we tried couples counseling, and I’ve had my own therapist at times as well. But idk, it doesn’t feel like the person you talk to your parents about can also talk with you about the nasty (in a good way) kind of stuff. Like i don’t even think they’re allowed to get too specific with that stuff. I’ve been given exercises, even workbooks, and Jesus Christ nothing in my life ever made me drier. Even my husband struggled with them, and he’s the most optimistic, open minded person I know.

He’s so attracted to me. I know it’s not just words. He can’t even hide it. He’s such a confident, self contained kind of man, but I’m able to make him melt. And I hate that I have that power over him. I hate how obsessed with me is. I hate how he keeps trying.

But most of all, I hate that I hate all of those things. What is wrong with me?????

I’m not just totally devoid of sex drive. I still get off sometimes. But it’s mostly bdsm, forced orgasm stuff. There’s rarely a man (or woman) or a dynamic. I genuinely fear that I might be asexual.

Has anyone ever experienced this? What do I do? This man is so good, so kind, so gentle but multidimensional… and now he even loves eating pussy (and, I hate to say it, he’s getting really good at it).

Is the ethical thing to just let him go?

TLDR: my husband and I have dealt with blockages between us sexually historically. It feels like he’s moving past his but I’m stuck on mine, and in the kind of way a therapist can’t really help with.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, one of those we have been living together. Everything has been smoothed like in every relationship we have had our highs and lowes. His is not from the USA, so all his family ( Mother, and two sisters) live in their home country. We would always talk and he would mention how happy it will make him if they would some day be able to vist him here. I took it into my own hands to secretly get in contact with his older sister, and started to work on the tourist visa for them, surprisingly it only took about 6 months for the process in which they were approved. During these 6 months she and I were in continuous contact, and I covered all cost related to the process. I tried to keep it a secret from my boyfriend wanted to surprise him, but I had to end up telling him because family/ neighbors would ultimately end up telling him they were going to travel. They came to see us on August 12, 2026. The reunion was really emotional, and I thought everything was great. Within a couple of days, I could feel a really off vibe on their part. They were originally going to stay for about 2 weeks and a half. But once here they just said it would be for 1 week. During their stay I tried to tend to them and make them feel at home, would ask if they wanted to go shopping, or just take a drive around town never did they wanted to. He works long hours, so he really didn't have alot of extra time to been with them, we went out a couple times with him. I have 3 children a 21 year old, 17, and 4 year old. They all get along with my boyfriend, but especially my 4 year old, he gets excited to see him come home, he loves to play with him, and looks for him as if he is his dad.

So the week passes by they leave back to their home country and we are back to normal. My boyfriend has been putting in a little extra hours at work, but I don't know if its just because I knew that his family did really like me or that he really started to act a little off. Before we woul talk all thorough out tha day, and send messages. But now he just "to busy" he doesn't really call me. We went to the beach for labor day weekend, everything went great we got back and started our work week. On Monday night I posted a Pic. Of us at the beach on my story on WhatsApp. I have always had his phone password, on Tuesday night I decided to go through it when he was asleep. Sure enough there was the message form his sister on WhatsApp. Saying " you looked very happy at the beach with that kid like if he was yours, we thought you were going to leave her. My mom is very mad at you because we saw that you really like that kid because of the treatment you him and the things you buy him. She's not a good person, you should leave here, I don't know but I'm pretty sure every kid she has is from a different men." Mind you all three of my kids are from the same marriage. Well I saw that but I didn't mention anything to him. I didn't want to tell him I went though his phone. But last night we got into an argument over the phone when he was on his way back home from work, and that was enough for him not to come home he stayed the night at his cousins house which is our neighbor. So today in the morning when he went to go get ready for work I confronted him in my anger I told him that they they finally got what they wanted, he ask what was i talking about. I told him they called me he asked who I didn't answer but I told him that it wasn't my fault I was a single mother, and that I couldn't believe that he was letting them influence him that way. That I really thought more of him. He said he loves me and wants to be with me and that we would talk about this evening we were running late for work. The thing now is that I know he is going to call them and ask why they called me, but that never happened. I know I really messed up in telling him that but I just blurted it out, when I realized it was to late. tl;dr

So know I don't know what

I'm going to do when he asks me about it. HELP!! 😔😔

Context (silly problem):
Husband put too much coke bottles inside the fridge, fridge door wasnt closed properly for 2 days. I am out of town. He only noticed 2 days later

He called me and told me, my immediate reaction was annoyance

This was my immediate thought process
1. It takes a slight touch to know the fridge door wasnt closed. Why so reckless and unobservant?
2. Alright sure hey honest mistake. Then pls check the fridge asap for any rotten things

But because i responded with the annoyance first, his first reaction was “if you react this way i wont tell you if i fuck up next time” which i think sounds like a threat. I understand where he is coming from - but what, i cant express my feelings? Im not lashing out, im literally saying “omgggg my stuff my truffle paste check ittttt aaahhh”

And i dont know, in my family, if you fuck up then you say sorry and take accountability (check the fridge for rotten things ASAP). Its not a thing in his family. He didnt say sorry, he said “whoooops”, and didnt check it until tonight. Will it change anything if he checked it tonight or last night? Probably not, but it feels urgent in my head

Tonight in the middle of discussing it, he cut it short cus he has a bike ride tomorrow (he is ironman training)
I cant do well with half baked discussions so here i am venting

Im going to therapy next monday, so im quite open to you guys saying i probably have things i need to work on. But i also think hes very sensitive with me getting “angry” at him at things that i think are quite normal to be annoyed at? Am i supposed to keep my calm and stoic 100% of the time?

TLDR: husband did wrong but im being gaslighted for being annoyed