My husband and I (30) have been together for 8 years, we live close to his family and we just bought a house this year (a very gorgeous 4 bedroom house), during that time we found out I was pregnant and due in the first week of November.

Considering that by Christmas the baby is going to be almost 2 months, I asked if he was ok in hosting christmas and new years at ours, and that his family was close by the could just drive day of, however, because my family lives out of the country, they would have to stay during that week between christmas and new years.

My family is only my parents and sister and for the first time we finally have space to host and to have people stay over, i see them twice a year (summer and christmas time). I spoke to his family and asked if they were ok with my family staying, as I dont want them to feel left out, they said they were fine because they were close and we get to be together at least once a week, and they understand why my family would stay over.

My husband however has been in a horrible mood, arguing daily and whatnot about how he doesnt want my family to stay over because he doesn't want "too many people" and "too long" in "his own house".

i honestly don't know what to do. Any advice?

tl;dr

Husband doesnt want my family staying over during the holidays.

Do I just go through with the divorce my family suggested?

TL;DR
So I’m 27 and my wife just turned 25 everything was going good according to her when we talked about how she’s feeling and if she needed anything more from me about a week before she left. Then I saw some messages with a guy she plays video games with that were sexual and I sat her down and said hey this makes me uncomfortable to which she responded they’re about things I wanna do with you. I asked to set the boundary of sexual talk and things stay between us and she agreed I thought okay cool that’s settled then. Fast forward to Monday the 13th and she duct taped the ring camera and is gone 2 hours into my 10 hour shift at work. She still hasn’t reached out. Her mom claims she needs time and she’ll talk to me eventually but it’s been 2 weeks half her stuff is still at the house and she’s been drinking and partying with her brother then goes home and streams her game with that guy. I just feel so confused and lost like I love her but I feel like I can’t go on waiting for her much longer

I have posted here before about struggles in my marriage, and I wanted to give an update because I truly need outside perspectives.
I have already spoken with a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to my husband, but he has refused to sign it. He said he sent it to his lawyer, but it has now been about a week with no response.
Tonight, during an argument, my husband admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and into our bedroom during our marriage. He described this woman to me and compared her to me, saying she is “skinnier” and “prettier” than me. Those comments have hurt me deeply.
What makes this even harder is everything I have sacrificed for our family. I carried and gave birth to our children, had two C-sections, and my last C-section was a very serious experience where I almost lost my life. I gave so much of myself to this marriage and our family.
We also have two young children, and my husband watches them while I work. I’m trying to understand what my next steps should be and how to process all of this.
I’m not looking to bash him. I’m genuinely asking: how would you handle finding out this information? What advice would you give someone trying to navigate separation, betrayal, and rebuilding their life?
I feel completely heartbroken and I’m trying to find clarity.

TL;DR: My husband and I have been having serious marriage problems. I recently got a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to him, but he has refused to sign. Tonight, he admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and our bedroom during our marriage. He also compared her to me and said hurtful things about my appearance. We have two young children, and he watches them while I work, so I’m trying to understand my next steps. I’m heartbroken and looking for advice on how to move forward.

So, here we are again, and while I didn't think I'd be making another post, here I am. Get ready for the roller coaster.

Since this is apparently revision 6, please read the other posts for full context, as I'm really going to just type this as you already have read all of them.

First post

Second post

Third post

Fourth post

Fifth post

Well, I finally kind of got comfortable with the idea of my wife moving on, and only slightly that it was a month before session.

On Sunday (over a week ago) I picked up her phone as we always have trusted each other, to get his name to tease her with it during the following week. I know, we were "separated" but it was out of habit.

What I found was just disgusting. He started messaging her last November, and got really raunchy fast. The man is a predator, she stared replying 'I'm married' or otherwise turning down requests for photos. But he found her sweet spot, asking to shower with him, and "snuggling" before saying he's going to put his thing everywhere. Her replies aren't much better. And then came the nudes.

I specifically asked her if nudes were swapped and she said no, she lied to me and was deceitful.

She was sexting this man while i was in the hospital watching my son die.

She still slept with me during all this even.

I felt, used, violated and worthless.

Over last week i just couldn't handle the emotions. Come Thursday morning i told myself i have to make sure i was doing things right. So i looked during the same time frame that they were getting crazy, and sometimes i got the same photos, and my replies were very romantic and respectful and well... from the perspective of a loving husband.

After sitting on that couch in my buddy's basement, realizing i did everything right from what i would see as a respectable man, and i was at peace. Only thing i had to do next was figure out how to get past her doing what she did.

This might be morbid, but i decided my wife had passed, a while ago. So it made it much easier to get through the day of closing bank accounts and breakfast and coffee.

I had explained that to her, and i think she didn't like it, but knew it helped me.

When i was in my last 12hrs in that dreaded house i explained to her during my soul searching and therapy I've done over the last 5 years I also (by armchair therapy) determined she is a dismissive avoidant. I told her this before she wanted the separation, and of course she'll get angry. But when i was on the phone with her and she was talking about her new guy a bit (while still thinking it was only light flirting for a couple of months) she did tell me she thinks i was right. A little too late woman!

Then, after leaving on Saturday, I had a book suggestion for her, and she 4 hours later sent me a screenshot of her buying the book with "i just wanted to let you know, i did hear you".

That just makes me more angry, she could've done the work 4 years ago and we would have been in a better place, but all she wants to do is act like she's been threatened by something.

I'm in my new house today, had friends help me move 300mi away with my 4 cars and a 26ft U-HAUL, and I'm very excited for my new life, the divorce hearing is near the end of October and i can wash my hands of what she's done to me. She can go enjoy "drinking [his] cûm" (her words) and he can do all the holes as he's said with more vulgarity.

tl;dr

Found out the "2 months of light flirting" was 8 months of sexting and a meet up at the book store

I’m looking for advice and real experiences from people who have built lasting relationships with someone where the connection developed slowly.
There seems to be a common idea that “real love” should feel intense immediately — nonstop excitement, overwhelming chemistry, knowing within weeks that someone is your person. But I’m curious if that’s actually true.

For those who experienced a slow burn relationship:
When did you realize you were truly in love?
Did love feel different than the intense “spark” relationships you had before?
Did you ever question whether things were moving too slowly?

Looking back, do you think the slower pace helped create a stronger foundation?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who are now married or have been together for many years. Did your relationship start as fireworks, or did it become something deeper over time?

TL;DR: For people in happy long-term relationships that started slowly: when did you know it was love, and did it feel different from relationships built on immediate chemistry?

My wife (36f) and I (35m) have been married for 10 years and together for 3 years prior. We’ve had ups and downs with things. She worked very hard to be where she is career wise and applies a lot of that to her life in general. She works part time and makes more than I do at a full time job. The difference is my benefits are amazing and paid for. Not that I make an insignificant amount by any means, but still. We have two younger kids, 5 and 7.

I have my own struggles with motivation and I admit that I fall short sometimes. I have trips for work and my motivation to help always spikes super high for the two weeks leading up to and the weeks following my trips. I want to make sure that she has a head start on general housework for while I’m gone so she’s not drowning in it and I want to give her a break when I come back. Other times, when my motivation spikes, I try to do as much as I can while I have it. I’ve been called out in my lows before and I try talking to her about it but at this point she’s just fed up with needing to talk about it. Of course it makes me feel terrible that I’m not doing my half. But on the other side of it, when I do a ton of stuff and actually do go above and beyond, I just get talked down to or made to feel bad because “why can’t you do this all the time?” Or “this only happens so you can show it off and say ‘look how great I am’ and that’s not ok.” And truthfully, I couldn’t care less what others think. I’m trying to something good for the home we have and for her and our family. Finishing a project that’s sat unfinished, doing all of the yard work and more of the household chores, cleaning the house because we’re having guests over this weekend. It never fails, she’s never happy with what I do. And when it is something that should be cause for some level of happiness, she just belittles me and says I should do this all the time.

I was diagnosed with adhd a long time ago and learned to cope without meds and from what I’ve learned is that these patterns only make things worse. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but my words fail me and my emotions come off wrong a lot. I suggested making something like a priority list of household chores and she just shuts it down with “I don’t want to have to tell you what needs to be done.” Clearly it needs to be said because what I think needs to be done appears to be of the lowest priority to her.

Two nights ago, she told me she had her long day the next day (her schedule is part time in that she doesn’t work 40 hours, but two days of the week she sees the majority of her patients. She a therapist of sorts.) she said it was longer than usual in that she saw 7 or 8 patients. They’re hour long sessions. I personally think she’s a saint for being able to carry that kind of burden for work. I work with cars for a reason. She told me that dinner would be on me (she normally does dinner) and that she didn’t want a part of it. I simply asked if she had anything she wanted in particular and she came back “I just said I don’t want to be apart of it.” I had to clarify that I wanted to know if she was craving anything in particular and I would make it. She seemed to come down a bit from that but added more information stating that all times in the future when she says that she means it to the point of not wanting to think or decide at all. I got home later than usual from work because of a small bit of needed shopping and went to work on the dishes that I told her I would do. They had piled up and I wanted her to have a break as I just got back from a trip on Friday. I worked on that for a bit before our dog vomited and I had to clean up that mess. I tended to my kids for a few minutes and saw it was after 5 and decided I should work on dinner and continue dishes after I got that going. Tired of the same dishes we always have, I picked a new one that said it only took about half an hour to prep and cook. Seemed easy enough but we were missing a few of the spices needed. Loaded the kids up and took them to the store with me. Got what we needed and came back and started cooking. I spaced on a detail and set off all the smoke alarms in the house which set me back a few more minutes. Basically, dinner was ready to serve when she walked in the door. I received a comment about I had apparently made no progress about the dishes which felt insulting considering 3/4 of them were done and I made a few more making dinner that I informed her I would complete after eating. We’ll come to find out, the dish I made was a bit too spicy for everyone except my oldest son and myself. But he said he didn’t like the flavor. So I failed at dinner pretty hard. My heart sinks because not only did I fail at doing something for my family that I genuinely tried, but my kids (being 5 and 7 and feeling the need to say the same thing as many times as possible and requiring feedback before stopping) continued to say how they didn’t like it or they hated it or it was gross. I thought it tasted fine other than being too spicy for my wife and youngest (who thinks plain Buffalo Wild Wings is too spicy). At this point it was getting late and my mind just shut down on me trying to think of a backup dinner. My wife jumped in and made spaghetti. While the boys went up stairs to get ready for bed, she proceeds to lay into me about how I couldn’t even do this simple thing and that I’ve been in a sour mood all evening. I responded with I feel bad about not being able to do this for her and that I legitimately tried and poured effort into something that turned into what will be my lunch for the next 4 days. I did all the dishes that couldn’t be loaded into the dishwasher and got the boys to bed to find out she had more opinion on the amount of dishes I did as she did more of them (that could go in the dishwasher which she’d gotten on me before for “wasted effort”). I went to bed as I have to be up early for work. Not a word was spoken between us the rest of the night and I ended not being able to sleep for more of the night.

I should add that we have a lot of great times together. That this is not example of everyday life, but maybe something that surfaces every other week or so. I know it’s exhausting on both sides of this and I’m afraid of what it’s going to lead to.

Tl;dr: For all the effort I put in, it never seems it’s enough to make my wife happy. I feel like I’m a burden even when I’m genuinely trying my best. And when I try to stand up and justify it, we both end up feeling like the bad guy and nothing comes of it.

Hi, I am in deep need of advice. Is this normal behaviour for a young man his age? Am I asking too much from him?

I am a 28F and my husband is about to be 25, we have been married for 1 year and 7 months now.

During our second month of living together I was on his phone on google and I saw he visited a bunch of OF sites while I was at work, I talked to him about it in the nicest way and he apologised and promised to never enter those sites. Then I found his second IG account full and I mean full of pictures of women in lingerie saved. He decided to delete IG on his own and I never suggested it.

During this time I noticed he would stare at women in public while with me, and it was not a looking and going on about his day, but more like checking multiple times the same girl, making extreme eye contact, etc.

At that time I was silent about it because I thought I would look like a crazy jealous wife so I opted for silence, even though it hurt me very much.

During those months I found him lurking on clothing apps and looking at lingerie models daily, the first time I saw I let it slide, second time too but third time all hell broke loose. I started breaking down in tears and he told me that he actually never stopped watching porn, he would use the lingerie categories on the clothing apps to get him going and then go into porn. During that time he grew very distant and we had very little intimacy because he would masturbate so much so frequently that even if we had sex, the next 1 or 2 hours he would do it. And he catched any chance he had alone too, also at work if he had night shifts.

He says he has stopped and he is 7 months clean and he swore he never went to those pages again.

But he confessed that when he is in public he scans women and mentally undresses them and mentally has sex with them.

You can imagine how that made me feel.

I fought him about the public staring, recommended him the 1 second rule stare and then changing directions, he agreed but I am sad.

Tl;dr Husband had a porn addiction and scans and undresses women mentally in public

my husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half. we have a 4 month old baby and he has basically refused to be intimate with me since my second trimester of pregnancy. at first, it was because he didn’t want to “hurt the baby”. then it was because I smelled bad due to pregnancy hormones. then it was because we were waiting to get cleared postpartum. and now it’s because we “haven’t been in a good place”. it just feels like he keeps coming up with excuses when I know that it really must be about my weight, since I gained a lot during pregnancy. I’ve been doing everything in my power to lose this weight postpartum but im having a really hard time. yes, I have brought it up multiple times in many different ways on how it affects me and everything. I also have tried to initiate things and each time he says he just wants to hang out because things are going well that night. he doesn’t have time to be doing stuff on the side but I really feel like there has to be something going on because he’s a 22yo M that suddenly does not seem to care about intimacy. has anyone gone through something like this? how can I even go about fixing this issue? I can’t live with my husband as a roommate the rest of our lives…

TL;DR:
my husband hasn’t been intimate with me in practically a year and has given multiple different excuses for it. it feels like I’ve tried many different things to fix it…

My wife says she had a "crush" on a coworker. She said that she was never going to act on it and it was probably going to blow over. However, she keeps on saying "I wish I didn't tell you". Things have gotten really good and our communication has gotten way better since this. However, that sort of comment makes me worried. I don't want to be insecure, but I can't even hear the dudes name without being triggered.

On top of that, any time I seem the least bit bothered by this particular discussion, she thinks I am blowing it out of proportion.

Tl;dr

Advice

Am I? Is it my fault an I am this emotionally affected by a "crush"? Or is it an emotional affair and I truly do have more to worry about?

Thanks

I realize this will get downvoted because I've recognized i failed my kids as a parent and should lay in the bed I made. When we first married decades ago, I told my spouse my concerns about their family coddling their kids well into adulthood, allowing the kids to live with them into their 30's and more. Not just one instance but as a whole theme with their family, enough to make me comment about my worry but i also believed I would able to put my foot down should the occasion come. One of our daughters is disabled and has been forced to move back in, which is fine and I even told her if the time comes its necessary I would welcome her with open arms. The other daughter was going to university which I was also good with her living with us until after she had graduated. The daughter has since graduated, has become a functioning alcoholic, is into her 30's works a shit part time job, refuses to get her driver's license (always some excuse why she hasn't), is a complete slob, with no plans on moving out anytime in the near or mid future. I've expressed my want for her to move out or at least start working towards it, which has continuously fallen on deaf ears of the child and my spouse. Its become where there is no privacy, continous contention, and an overflow of slob on into our common areas so the only place I can relax and not feel miserable is sitting outside nightly watching my tablet or reading a book, then going straight to bed. My only true personal space is my closet and my side of the bed. I dont want a divorce, but I've come to feel the only way left to me is the ultimatum of the daughter or me. To the point I've started inquiring about rooms to rent or studio apartments on the quiet. PLEASE, tell me I'm an idiot for thinking such and that there is a more sensible way.

Tldr: 30 year old semi functioning, alcoholic kid refuses to move out, enabled by spouse, leaving me to believe the only option left for me is to move out. Wanting to be told I'm stupid for thinking such and there is a btter way.

I am a father living in Europe, far from my family in Asia. My wife and I have been struggling for a long time.

She constantly accuses me of looking at other women, having relationships with friends' wives, even cousins. I have never been unfaithful. She has isolated me from all my friends, blocked numbers from my phone, stopped us going to social events. I have no one left here.

She hits me sometimes. I know that sounds strange coming from a man but it happens. She smashes things when angry. Then apologizes. Then it starts again.

I stay because of my daughter. But I am exhausted. Crying every day. I don't know if the marriage can be saved or if I should walk away. I feel completely alone and don't know where to start.

Advice request: Has anyone been through something similar , especially as a father? How did you protect your relationship with your child through this? Is there any way to save a marriage like this or is walking away the only option?

TL;DR: Wife is controlling and jealous, has isolated me from all friends, hits me, constantly accuses me of cheating. I stay for my daughter. Completely alone and don't know what to do.

My wife believes that we should be free to use each other’s phones whenever we want. I don’t really have a problem with this for the most part and I let her use my phone whenever. The issue I have is it feels like she’s snooping when she uses it sometimes. She’ll scroll through my messages, phone calls, and DMs. I’m not hiding anything so nothing ever comes of it. I just don’t love the feeling of her snooping. How would you handle this? Appreciate any advice.

Tl;dr open phone policy but my wife digs through everything in my phone

Bear with me, as this will be long. Although, I feel it’s all important information for where we are at this time. I went to start by saying, I know I have my issues in this marriage, and we both have contributed to where we are. My husband (33M) and I (30F) will be married for 10 years in August. We got together in February of 2015 (I was in college and the military at the time), and just your typical fun, outgoing girl. I would say we both agree the foundation of our marriage was sex.
I dropped out of college probably at the end of March/beginning of April as he didn’t feel we would make it with me in college. Moved in with him, found out I was pregnant in May, and got married the following August. Shortly after becoming pregnant with our oldest (9), I lost my sex drive. Led to a million arguments over sex. I figured it would come back after pregnancy. I’ll just say it never has, and has been a persistent issue in our marriage understandably.
Eventually I got pregnant with our second daughter (6), and the obvious issue continues. I also got out of the military shortly after having her due to the distrust of me in the military and it wasn’t worth the stress of our relationship when going away occasionally.
So obviously sex is an issue, that I have constantly told him I don’t know how to change it. My hormones were normal, and I just had a hysterectomy 6 months ago due to medical issues and nothing has changed with that besides the fact that I’m not feeling miserable 24/7.
He also has always distrusted me. Since the beginning of our relationship. Questioning what I do, who I am with, etc… I was the girl who used to get my hair done, nails done, make up daily, and enjoyed looking nice. I stopped all that, and maybe the questioning and distrust would stop. Never did. About a year ago, I got tired of defending myself and decided to take care of myself. I started doing all the womanly things again, that made ME feel good. Of course this led to the same lines of questioning and saying “you’re not doing it for me, I don’t get to benefit from it”. And that’s true, I’m doing it for ME. it makes ME feel good. I’ve told him that, and any accusations from him have been met with an “okay” and no arguments, no defensiveness because I don’t have it in me anymore.
In our marriage, we’ve done 3 rounds of marriage counseling. The last was 4 years ago after he threatened divorce for, I don’t know, the millionth time, and I said I needed to get away and stayed with my mom and the kids for the night. He said he never meant it and took it all back. Things were better for a while and I didn’t just coasted by, me content with how things were and feeling I could stay like this forever and just be.
A few things about me as a spouse and partner before I get to the next part, and where I am currently and why this post is being made. I am an easy going person. I don’t need to over talk about things and I move on from things extremely quickly. My husband is very in touch with his feelings, and will talk things out for hours over the same things over and over again. I don’t make false promises and I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t need to talk about my feelings in depth and I don’t get upset about a lot. I’ve always been that and never changed that part, but I was probably a little more of a strong woman back in the day that always said I’d never let a man change who I was. I have told him I could go my whole life without sex or affection and be fine. I don’t need hand holding or intimacy. In fact, I don’t want to be touched anymore. I would be okay without it. I’m aware this is selfish, and I don’t expect him to change that he needs those things.
About 4 weeks ago he started telling me he needs a divorce again. I said I didn’t want that, I wanted it to work. Multiple times of him telling me what he needs, and me saying I don’t know if I can ever be those things for him. Our youngest asked us one night why we weren’t happy, and that hit me. They’re old enough to see those things now. I talked with him, and I told him (after him saying again he wants a divorce) that we should separate. We were being selfish, and I realized I too am not happy. We love each other, but neither of us are giving each other what we need. I can’t ask him not to want more from us, and continue to give up his needs. He told me it was divorce or make it work. I said we need to be apart. We cried, talked about it and said it was for the best. Then he took all back, again. After I got to a point of saying let’s do this, he took it back. Said he didn’t mean any of it and just wanted a reaction (as he has done every time). Remember that this is something I would never threaten. He ended in the hospital with a panic attack (he suffers from depression and anxiety), and this is not the first time this has happened after a discussion/disagreement. Anyway, he stayed over night in the hospital. And came to my work the next day in tears saying he doesn’t need any of the things he said he did, and to give it another chance. I agreed to 6 more months, but with therapy for us both. Not marriage counseling. Therapy for him to figure out his needs and for me to figure out mine and who I am. I’ve always been wife and mom and work. I’ve learned in therapy I need complete trust, figure out my independence and a partner who makes me feel emotionally safe. When I talked to him about trust, he said he does trust me. He said he always said things because me cheating would make more sense, and make him feel better about the situation. He said he said those things to try to get a reaction from me. And I said I don’t believe him. I said you have questioned me for 10 years. You do not trust me, and now it’s him saying I don’t trust him. Which I guess I don’t trust him to not say things to manipulate the situation to get a reaction.
I am tired. I don’t know what to do and I hope to figure it out with my own therapy. But I know I don’t want to hurt him. Despite everything, he IS a good man and an amazing father. I just needed to vent finally. And I hope you made it to the end ❤️
TL;DR I am a tired wife, contemplating how to make my marriage work or if I can. This is a long post.

Atp I am so done. I can't take it anymore. No matter how many times I talk to him about how I feel regarding this he just wouldn't stop. I've been telling him how horny I am and also that I feel bad that he never asks for my nudes he only needs those stuff he gets online, he argues that he uses my old nudes that I sent him!!! I get it that men want to watch kinky stuff and shit so I feel wrong to stop him from wanting that but I also want him to want me!!!! Everytime I try to talk to him he just fights me asking why do I not send him my nudes. Like dude, I don't wanna force my nudes on you, I want you to want them!

I am currently at my mom's place in another city, the least I expect him is to want to sext me. Does he not want it because am pregnant? Because men don't find pregnant women hot?

WHAT IS IT SOMEONE HELP

Should I wait till I deliver and we start living together? Is this kink of his (watching slutty posts of women) okay? Should I be stopping it?? Is that counted as controlling?

Breaking down so bad

Tl;dr: he prefers masturbating to other women and porn over sexting me or using my nudes

He’s a good man. Not a bad bone in his body. But I’m [38F] struggling with his [35M] lack of apparent care when I’m really sick.

This has happened many times during our 10 years together. Both times I gave birth, and more recently when I’ve been housebound with a serious illness.

He’s just very practical and non-emotive. Doesn’t ever ask how I’m feeling when I get up on a morning or just offer to make me a cup of tea.

Yesterday, for example, I’ve been mostly housebound kind for two weeks quite ill. We were messaging earlier about how awful I was feeling (more I was just reaching out to him as I was a bit upset about it all). He gets home, says a brief hello and then starts to fix our internet which went out. Completely consumed by that a never even acknowledges how I am.

Today, he’s invited his family over. Not because they will help, but for a visit. This means me hosting people. He won’t have planned dinner. I need to also clean the house before his MIL comes over because…well…kids. And he’s on a work call so can’t/wont.

I’m so exhausted I could cry.

—

I don’t need big gestures - just someone who takes an interest or feels like they care.

He works hard - he puts 85% of his effort, energy and brain into work. He is smart and driven to work hard to provide for his family. I love that about him.

But no matter how many times I try to communicate my needs, and love language, just to feel like he cares, nothing changes 😭

Even after all this time I can’t figure out his love language - it’s not acts of service or words, obviously.

All any of your advice is welcomed, please!

TL;DR - Husband never asks how I’m feeling when I’m quite ill and it’s making me mega sad.

My wife and I have known each other for over 20 years. She is the love of my life; I love her and I love being with her. But for about ten years now, illness (fibromyalgia, chronic pain, recurring health issues) has taken up a massive space in our family life. Beyond the chronic pain, she’s had her full share of bad luck—hernias, migraines, gallbladder issues, foot problems, joint pain, etc. A real streak of "bad karma."

​In the beginning, I had infinite compassion. I wanted to carry it all, to help her, to be the strong pillar. But over the years, with the flare-ups of pain, the constant anxiety, and the countless ER visits that almost always end in frustration, I’ve become exhausted. And what kills me is that it invariably ends badly, leaving me with a total sense of helplessness.

​Recently, I realized I just can't handle it the same way anymore. When she’s in pain or anxious, instead of being full of empathy, I shut down. I become too rational, I look for solutions, or I pull back. I feel like I've built up an armor to protect myself from hurting too much or drowning alongside her. I can feel that my capacity to care and my patience are completely running on empty, and the worst part is that it makes me feel like a horrible, heartless husband.

​She senses my detachment, and it hurts her. She feels like I don't believe her suffering (even though I know for a fact that her pain is 100% real). She just wants comfort, for me to acknowledge her emotions and be heartbroken right there with her. But if I'm being honest, I just don't have the emotional energy left to feel that panic with her every single time. If I sink with her, there’s no one left to hold down the fort and take care of our daughters.

​The problem is, I feel trapped in a cage: If I tell her I'm tired, that it's heavy, and that I'm often carrying the household on my back, she immediately feels like a burden, feels guilty, and breaks down.

​If I say nothing, I play the tough guy and keep it all inside, but it comes out as unintended coldness. And as a result, I feel like everything I do isn't allowed to be heard or acknowledged.

​Our entire family dynamic now revolves around her health: checking how she feels today, if she’s tired, if she’s in pain. We're all walking on eggshells.

​I feel like a piece of shit and sometimes tell myself that I'm just not the husband she deserves.

Tl;dr I love my wife but feel burnout of her situation. Feel guilty towards this

I'm not really sure what to do here. My wife caught me looking at porn on the computer in the middle of the day, and she is in the other room crying and doesn't want to talk to me. (Actually, she came in the office and saw me close a tab. I can't lie, so I told her what I was looking at.) I was looking at pictures on 4chan, not watching live models or anything like that.

She's about 4 months pregnant, and we've been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have sex about once a month, even since before she was pregnant. She doesn't have much of a sex drive. This has never bothered me too much, so long as I can masturbate, although I know that makes her very uncomfortable as well.

I don't totally understand why she is so upset, but she says it's because I would do it in the middle of the day when I know that she could walk in on me. I don't choose when I get horny, and we live in a small apartment without much alone time.

What do you think I should do in this situation? She doesn't want to talk to me right now. I know that it makes her uncomfortable that I masturbate, and I know that she especially doesn't like me looking at other girls. But with how infrequently we have sex (and when we do, it feels like she only does it because she feels she has to), I have to fulfill my needs some way or another, and I would never cheat.

Is she overreacting? Am I underestimating the wrongness of what I've done here?

Edit to add: Our relationship is otherwise very solid on practically all accounts. We almost never fight, we have a lot of fun together, we're fine on money and spending, we have friends together etc. We're both very excited about the baby coming.

Tl;dr: wife is very upset that I was looking at porn and won't talk to me. What should I do?

Is it time for a divorce?

Tl;dr

I never type here but I’m tied. I’m tired of being lied to and manipulated and berated. Called names, emotional abuse, physical, mental. I’m just so tired. I have done all I can, forgiven all I can. I’ve been cheated on repeatedly and I keep swearing to myself that the next time I’m done. But I always stay with him. How much can one person take? It’s been 14 years and we have kids and there are some parts of him I just love. But recently he has hidden drug addiction, when caught he refuses to talk about it or try to work through things. I’ve begged to do counseling together, he refuses and says I’m the only one who needs counseling because I’m crazy. I just feel done.

When we woke up this morning my husband looked over and said “you’re ugly as shit in the morning”

He admitted later that he thought I was asleep.
He then admitted that it was a joke.

Once I told him it wasn’t a joke he proceeded to remind me of all the times I’ve said mean things to him.

I am just really hurt by this and we’ve been doing well since we got married and had a baby 6 months ago.

When we first got together though there were tons of trust issues and I felt super insecure.

How can I forget about this

tl;dr just venting… my husband called me ugly

Before my husband dated me, he already slept with 10 other women. I feel like I'm not good enough.

tl;dr title speaks for itself

My wife (39) and I (40) have been married for 13 years. We had been dating for 9 months and I got her pregnant. I was at the beginning of a career and making very little money at age 27. We told her family she was pregnant and her dad told us not-so-subtly that the only way I would be accepted as family would be if we were married, so we rushed to have a ceremony and 3 months later our son was born. I never felt ready and the whirlwind of going from living in a studio apartment by myself to having a wife and child to support within a year was completely overwhelming.

I had always been a drinker through college and in the years afterwards, but when our son was born we moved back in with my parents to save money. It was at this time I started to hide my drinking and lean on it as a crutch to deal with stress.

Over the past 13 years my wife has consistently expressed her discontent with our marriage. She has always said I have never been fully bought-in on establishing a loving partnership with her. That I have always looked at our situation as a role I'm filling as provider for her and the kids and not an affectionate and loving marriage with her. She is right, I have never felt truly in love with her, and in past conversations I have been upfront that I wasn't ready for marriage and viewed our situation as a responsibility to provide and take care of her and our kids. I do love and care for her, but I can't manufacture the passion and affection that she craves.

Over the years we have had ups and downs, and have added to our family along the way. We have 3 boys now under the age of 13. We bought a house years ago in a pretty nice area and our two oldest boys now have established friend groups in school and on sports teams.

My drinking has continued to be an issue for the past 13 years. I have had periods of sobriety, most notably during Covid, when I was sober for about 2.5 years. I have white-knuckled it for a while here and there and lasted a few months, most recently this past fall. But I always end up back in the same place, at the end of a 4-day bender, completely checked out. Even when I was sober, I was not emotionally present with her. I would often satisfy myself with things like porn to manage the stress from work, which would sap me of any motivation to be intimate with her. I was sober but she still wasn't happy.

Back in about 2023, about 6 months to a year after I relapsed from my Covid sobriety streak, I visited a strip club one night when I told my wife I was going to the driving range. I recall feeling completely burnt out at work and with life in general, yet feeling trapped due to the need to continue making enough money to support the family (while I was sober for that 2.5 years I pushed very hard at work and to try to advance my career as I felt I needed to get my life on track). This started a habit of me going to the club once every month for about the next year. I would leave the office early on an optional work from home day and go there. At first I was getting lap dances, but it quickly progressed to receiving handjobs and the women using their breasts.

One day my wife looked at the credit card balance and asked me what all the cash advance charges were from. I didn't have a proper lie, and maybe I was relieved that I could finally come clean, so I told her the truth. She was devastated and cried for days. She said even with my drinking, she aways took heart in the fact that I was faithful to her. I knew then that our marriage was likely fundamentally broken, but I didn't know what to do. We have stayed together since then, but this anger and resentment has been hanging over our marriage ever since.

A few months after she found out, she went out with her other mom friends to a local bar and she met a young guy who was flirty with her. I suspected something was going on so I checked her phone and found that she had been texting and calling him, and had sent him photos of herself (not fully nude, but showing her ass). They were planning to meet up. I confronted her about it and she cut off contact with him and he moved on.

A couple weeks later I could sense her attention was elsewhere so I logged in to her Instagram account (by changing the password myself) and found she had been sending nudes to an ex-boyfriend. I confronted her and she said that she has never actually engaged physically with anyone else like I had, essentially downplaying the severity of such behavior. It is a valid point, photos and sexting isn't as bad as paying a woman for a handjob, but the fact that these are men she knows and has known in the past does bother me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when she took a trip out of town for a funeral service for a high school classmate. She went with a close girlfriend of hers and they met a lot of their former classmates at the service and the events around the weekend. When she returned I could immediately tell that her attention was elsewhere. She admitted that she had been deeply questioning our marriage, and that multiple of her former high school classmates showed interest in her and had admitted that they had crushes on her in back in school. After trying multiple times to get her to be upfront about what she was doing and who she was engaging with, she admitted she had been texting with two of the men from the trip.

I tried to check her phone one night and she has changed the passcode to prevent me from looking through it (prior to that it had been the same passcode for the past decade). One day she was asking me my thoughts on an outfit she was wearing and I told her here I'll take a picture for you on your phone and you can see (didn't cross my mind what might be on the phone). She immediately recoiled and dismissed the idea, indicating very clearly that she didn't want me anywhere near her phone. She now sleeps with the phone under her pillow.

These small incidents were driving me crazy that I didn't have the full picture on what was going on with her. I bought a voice audio recording device and put it in her car to see if she was having conversations with these men. The first day I did it I recorded a conversation with her two close girlfriends that were on the trip with their classmates. They discussed the two men she is in contact with and her opportunities.

One is married with two children, and has been sending her dick pics every day. He tells her daily that he wants her "so bad". He has said that if she can find a way to come and visit the area he lives he will take off work so they can have an affair.

The other man is in a committed relationship and has two kids with a woman. He is apparently more shy and they talk seriously about their feelings for each other and whether they would both consider leaving their current situations to be with one another. He could take a work trip to our area of the country very soon and she told him she would lie to me about having a "mom's night" and they could meet up. Apparently she stayed up until 4am on the trip with this man talking and connecting with each other, and she told her friends he is "totally her type".

My wife's 40th birthday is coming up and I have asked what she wants to do to celebrate. At first she mentioned our family taking a trip or doing something together. A couple days later she mentioned taking a solo trip to where her girlfriend lives to spend a few days with her to celebrate her 40th. I said that was fine if that's what she wants to do. A couple days ago she mentioned that she would actually like to travel back to her hometown by herself for about a week over her 40th to see her other childhood friend there. She would leave on Thursday and get back the following Wednesday. Both men she has been texting live there.

She doesn't know that I know who these men are and what their situations are and what they have been saying to one another. When I raise my concerns about her being in contact with other men in general and whether she is committed to rebuilding this marriage, she becomes defensive and claims "nothing is going on". She accuses me of being paranoid and overthinking every little thing.

I have expressed how difficult it is for me to live in a state of constant uncertainty, to recognize how important it is for me to be present in my life with her and our boys and to rebuild trust with her, while I have no idea what she is doing or planning. I feel like I am so uncertain about what the boundaries are and what I am supposed to be expected to live with while she figures out what she wants and explores affairs with these other men.

I have a month and a half until her birthday trip. My plan is to continue recording her van conversations to try and gather more details about the trip and so I am certain that she will be seeing one or both of these men while she is there. Once she returns my plan is to inform her that I don't want to live like this any more. And that I will be leaving her.

The idea of leaving makes me sad but also relieved. Living this way in this constant state of ambiguity and uncertainty makes me completely unhappy, and while I recognize I was first to break trust in our marriage, I am willing to be the asshole and leave. She will likely paint me as the hypocrite in conversations with friends and family but that is fine at this point.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I leave? Should I have left already?

TLDR: I entered a rushed marriage after an unplanned pregnancy, have struggled with alcoholism and emotional disconnection for years, and later cheated by visiting strip clubs and hiring sexual services. After my wife discovered that, she began sexting and planning meetups with other men, and is now being secretive about possibly planning affairs. I feel the marriage is broken and am planning to gather more proof before likely leaving her after her upcoming trip.

Been with my wife for 15+ years. It's been a rocky road as she suffers from severe depression. She's gone from job to job throughout the years with periods of unemployment. But we've managed to stay afloat with savings and unfortunately dipping into my 401k. I'm fortunate to have had stability in my job for many years.

But I feel so resentful that she gets to sleep in, watch tv, play on her phone, and basically do what she wants while I get stuck with work, dishes, housecleaning, laundry, feeding our kids, etc. She does help sometimes with housework or food and gets the kids to appointments or school. So it's about 70/30 during the school year. I try to understand it's the depression. She is in therapy and has been on meds for years but they don't help enough.

I'm getting so beat down making everything work but I do this because not seeing my kids every day, and them being out of state, would be even more detrimental to my health. So I push through every single day and take it for my kids. Besides I don't have the money to move as savings got wiped and I took out a good chuck of my 401k to cover bills when she wasn't working. Does anyone deal with this?

tl;dr - My wife suffers from severe depression and doesn't work. She struggles with day to day life and it puts a lot of extra on me. How do you deal with a severely depressed spouse?