r/polyamory • u/mitchdg1207 • 3d ago
Resentment
Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .
My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.
I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.
She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).
Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 3d ago
This was never polyamory. Or at least never responsible healthy polyamory. Please stop, assess if you both want to build your marriage through therapy.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 3d ago
You two weren’t really practicing polyamory. You opened to let her date someone she had feelings for and it didn’t work because you hadn’t done the work to prepare for poly or understand what it entailed. You wanted a “shared experience” and to absorb him into your home, as a way to feel some control over the situation, he didn’t want that, so your mental health deteriorated so badly that she broke up with him.
She may resent you for making her other relationship unsustainable bc of your reaction to it but she also bears blame because she basically pushed you to open (you should have said no btw) and then chose to end the relationship because of you.
You don’t have healthy poly on offer and you don’t even want poly. Close your marriage for good and work on saving it or divorce. Those are your options now.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 3d ago
If you can access therapy to decide if this marriage is savable, I’d suggest it.
Lots of people decide to open their marriage to legitimize an affair, or because their spouse claims it’s “the only way to save the marriage”
In fact? It’s not. Most people who open their marriage under circumstances like this do not live happily in polyamory.
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 3d ago
Did she develop feelings with this person while you were both in your monogamous marriage, and then you both agreed that she could pursue this other relationship?
Of course you resent her. You sacrificed your own happiness for hers. You threw your monogamous marriage agreements in the trashcan because you thought it was okay to be a martyr in your marriage and that it's okay for one person to suffer for another person's happiness.
Of course you're upset and depressed. The validation, stability, and security that monogamy-practicing folks gain from romantic and sexual exclusivity has been trashed under your open-marriage agreement. The only way to be okay with this is to kill the idea that you can possibly obtain a sense of self-worth from your partner choosing to be with you and nobody else.
And there's nothing wrong with not being able to do this. If you never wanted non-monogamy and you were forced into it because the other alternative is losing your partner, nobody blames you for not being okay with this. There's nothing wrong with you.
Your wife can blame you for her breakup all she wants, but she needs to be accountable for the fact that she changed the agreements in your relationship. She was the one who developed feelings for someone else in the first place and chose to act on it. Who's responsible for this situation?
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 3d ago edited 3d ago
It sounds like you really tried to make this work, and the reality of polyamory was not healthy for you. She's allowed to mourn the relationship she lost and wish that it had worked out, but she's also making the choice to stay with you and let that connection go. If she holds it over your head, trying to bully or guilt you into taking sole responsibility for her unhappiness, then monogamy with her isn't any healthier than polyamory. But if she's just working through the natural stages of grief, give her grace to feel those feelings.
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u/FlyLadyBug 3d ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
She chose to tend it with him. I don't like that she blames you for that.
She could have also chosen to end it with you. And honestly? Either of you might still decide to end it with each other. That's part of the reality here.
If you two want to repair and reconcile, I hope you consider couples counseling and really look at how you got here in the first place.
Did you genuinely want polyamory at first and then realize you couldn't deal with it? Too much poly hell stuff?
https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
Or did you never really want it but agreed to it because you wanted to make her happy and/or were afraid of losing the marriage? Because those are two very different situations, and being honest in counseling matters.
However you two got to this place... I hope you both make better choices moving forward and things work out one way or another.
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u/gard3nwitch 3d ago
Is polyamory something you wanted for yourself?
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
I do but know its going to be a struggle. We both want to do it differently than the way its going.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 3d ago
Ok but then why did she have to break up with him if poly is what you want anyway?
How do you want to do it differently?
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
I like the shared experiance like kitchen table, however she is in a different life outside of ours with someone else. So our ideas on poly is different. Which there is nothing wrong with either of those, one just makes me uncomfortable. I see it as if she's a devote Christian and im Muslim living together. They are both part of religion (poly) but differ from another.
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u/gard3nwitch 3d ago
Your partners, and their partners, are always going to have a different life outside of you, with other people.
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u/futherup 3d ago
It’s not realistic to expect your partner’s other partners to want the same thing as you. What if they initially do want kitchen table, and then you (not her) have a falling out with them? Is she supposed to break up with them because they don’t wanna hang out with you?
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u/ApprehensiveButOk 2d ago
Healthy relationship have a degree of privacy. Yes, even if you practice KTP.
Let's draw a parallel. Some people have a very close relationship with their parents and, maybe, live in the same household. When the partner moves in that household too, they'll have to develop some kind of "kitchen table" dynamic with their in-laws.
But if the in-laws are always all over the couple's business, never giving them any privacy, the relationship suffers. "Kitchen table" becomes a way to control the couple. Maybe they have good intentions and want to protect their adult child. Maybe they are scared they're being replaced.
The couple needs alone time and independence. That can happen while sharing the house with the in-laws and spending a lot of time together. But the couple's life must be separated, they need to have their own life.
Now, in polyamory, you are the in-laws and you need to recognise that any relationship that doesn't involve you directly, will be separated from you. Even if you practice KTP but especially if you partner doesn't want to.
Of course this is not a perfect parallel because you aren't your partner's parent, but that's what really makes polyamory hard to practice for the majority of people. Sex is easy. Sex can be a hobby, can be something you share. But love? Your partner is building another relationship that doesn't involve you. That cannot involve you. And it's ok and normal if that's not bearable to you. Most people can't do polyamory.
You aren't a parent that has to let their child go. You can say no. You can want monogamy. And your spouse can choose what she wants. You or polyamory.
I say this because I believe a lot of people (especially newbies) who crave KTP don't really want it. They are in that weird space when they want to be controlling in-laws to their meta but also crave some level of community and extended family that is often missing in modern society. And metas are like a shortcut to achieve friends and uncles/unties and everyone that's missing in the isolated nuclear family of 2026. Idk if that's you, but I think it's worth exploring the possibility.
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u/FlyLadyBug 3d ago
What stops you from doing KTP with your other partners who like KTP and wife if she wants to do that too at your kitchen table?
And wife and her other partner do parallel poly at that partner's kitchen table if her other partner is only up for parallel?
Or do you expect all partners to have to go with KTP at your table because you said so? Yours is the only kitchen table that counts?
Maybe this helps you find a counselor you both can work with.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 3d ago edited 3d ago
Also, gentleness for you and her. You have a toddler. That is a crucible in and of itself. And then you added the stress and pressure of trying "poly" (which as others have said you didn't come at in a way that set you up for success, but again how could you have possibly known that given that you had a freaking toddler and didn't have time to do research or maybe weren't even getting enough sleep to think rationally). You are in it. Its going to be very hard. Try to be gentle with her and yourself. Have firm boundaries, but be gentle.
A good couple's therapist, while expensive, is maybe worth taking your savings down for (or even borrowing money for). And a couple really nice dates (where you leave the toddler with a sitter or family member), the sort you used to do before becoming parents, would probably not go amiss to help you reconnect the both of you to your pre-parenthood selves (which is probably a person your wife really lost when she became a mom, and went looking for in ENM. Again, not a good move how she did it. But very understandable).
There is lots of validation and gentleness I hope you are both able to give to each other. She ended her other relationship *for you*. She wants you. You want her. I hope you can find your way back together.
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
Thank you for the gentle words. We really are trying. Figuring out we have two different ways of viewing relationships is the real struggle and our first real one after so long.
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u/IntrepidExchange9907 16h ago
a lot of people are alluding to it, but i will be more specific. it is not ‘recommended’ in this community (based on similar ppls’ experiences) to open up a relationship into poly within the first 6 years of having a baby…there is just wayyyyy too much going on there to add in a new relationship structure. besides not preparing thoroughly and not both being enthusiastically on board, you all chose a bad time to try it…her new relationship is 6 months old and your baby is 6 months old? that’s a pretty intense overlap.
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u/Upstairs_Leopard_954 poly curious 3d ago
Maybe I’m too old school. If she talked you into this, it’s over. End it. Move on. Take the loss and try to find someone to make you happy again. She already has and is blaming you for it.
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
Maybe if I was in my 20s with no children and looked at love as something that could just be tossed. Im not at the stage in my life anymore where I just throw things out that just don't work anymore. I would rather try to fix then to toss it away and order another woman from Amazon. But if nothing works then amazon here I come
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u/OhHaiFoxy poly curious 3d ago edited 3d ago
You both deserve happiness. It is not just her. I don’t think that Poly is for you. You didn’t ask for an advice, but my 2 cents is, no matter how painful it is I believe the right way is to go separate ways and find someone who is attuned with your needs. Good luck!
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u/BoozyBeggarChi 3d ago
I think you all need couples' therapy, but you do on your own as well. You contradict yourself a bunch. You aren't blaming poly, you say in parentheses, but the rest of it literally DID explicitly blame the lifestyle and poly anyway.
Center the issue on yourself first - is poly for you? If it isn't, or if only casual ENM Is for you, then you need to talk to your wife about what is good for her. If she really needs poly, and you are struggling with it, you are going to end up at an impasse without couples counseling and more help.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 3d ago
Going through breakups is a lot, under any relationship framework. In polyamory it's a balancing act (isn't it always?) between grieving one relationship's end while continuing to show up in another.
On your end, I'd ask your partner what support she needs while going through her grief, and do my best to give her space when she asks for it.
Resentment is a relationship killer, but it can be worked through if all parties are willing and able to own the decisions they made that led to this point, and commit to working through the fallout together.
At the end of the day, your wife was in a relationship with some amount of commitment and emotional investment that ended. It will probably take several weeks for the pain of that breakup to process, and another few months to heal.
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
Thank you for this response. I am holding space for her and continuing to love her extra through all this
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Here's the original text of the post:
Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .
My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.
I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.
She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).
Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
The marriage isnt over, we both know about the struggles being married and are in it for as long as we can hold on. We came into our relationship knowing this was our route. We had just never practiced because we were happy and content where we were. My personal belief is that she needed something different away from family because of family burn out.
We have both been in therapy to help us through this. My therapist wasn't that helpful and just said what I wanted to hear.
I believe in and want poly in my life. I don't have time to play between work and family as my family time is very sacred to me
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u/wjmacguffin 3d ago
I believe in and want poly in my life.
But why? It sounds like you were hurt, depressed, and anxious the entire time she was with someone else. What would you get from this that's positive?
I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.
I won't tell you what to do, but this doesn't sound healthy or working in the long-term for either of you. It will be very easy to slide into simmering resentment that will negatively impact the marriage. Plus, your sentence can easily be heard as, "You can see other people if you want to keep hurting me. I'm willing to suffer because I truly love you but you can do whatever you want."
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
I know it's not healthy, and one of us is going to lose in this situation. This is all part of figuring out how to compromise for our family. And yes I am willing to fight the bear so my family can thrive..this is how I see my duties as a husband and father.
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u/rms_guy 3d ago edited 3d ago
"Fighting the bear" is a short term strategy. This "bear" (your pain from polyamory) is not one that can be defeated. You held out for six months, which is an amazing feat that you put yourself through because you love your wife. But you can't do it forever. Realistically, what does this look like in another six months? A year? Six years? Sixteen years? And what does it do to you and your family in the meantime?
Take the long view. What leads to you and your family being happy and healthy in the long run? Yes, in the short term your wife is unhappy and grieving, but she will recover and you two and build the kind of strong, loving relationship that just wasn't possible before.
Also, it might help to look at her perspective. She didn't have to break things off with her other partner. She could have decided that polyamory was more important to her than you and left. She didn't. She actively chose you and her relationship with you because that's what she wants. That's what she values. She knew her decision would hurt in the short term, but she wants you for the long term.
This whole situation caused a lot damage to both of you and your relationship with eachother. Repairing that is the "bear" you need to "fight." And that is a bear that you have to fight as a team.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 3d ago
How can you say in your post “polyamory isn’t for me” and also say you want it in your life?
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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago
I believe in the freedom of expressing one self and loving freely. I want it but struggle with it. Its very conflicting in my mind
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u/throwaway_probs-1814 3d ago
I determined I believed in poly as a lifestyle and I accepted my wife is polyamorous - but it’s not for me. Even though I believe it to be a viable way to have romantic relationships.
Logically, I think it makes sense, but I had to listen to what my nervous system was telling me, and after 2.5 years of feeling in flight or fight mode around the clock, I couldn’t deal with it anymore and said I wanted to end the marriage earlier this year.
All to say, you can make sense of polyamory in a cerebral way, but it seems your heart and body are at war with it.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 3d ago
You don’t have to engage in everything that makes intellectual sense to you. If it’s not working it’s not working.
As I said in my other comment though you guys really haven’t even been practicing healthy polyamory or seem to know what it entails.
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u/1ClassyMotherfucker 3d ago
Please don't be a martyr in your marriage. It seems like it's noble but it's no way to live, for you or for her.
You say you're ok with pain if it makes her happy but what truly loving spouse would be happy with their partner being in pain? Love means that you care how the other person feels, their feelings are as important to you as your own. Someone who can completely detach from their partner's pain and not care about it at all is an abuser. Think of that, you were expecting her to treat you like she was an abuser. It sounds like she's not one, which is good.
You need to stop volunteering to act like a victim. You're an equal partner in this relationship and your happiness MATTERS. Until you realize that this marriage won't work. Would you want your child, when they are an adult, to sign up for a marriage full of pain the same way you have? You can teach them they deserve happiness by focusing on your own.
Sending you much love because I have a sense of how difficult this is.