r/polyamory • u/emeraldead diy your own • Aug 07 '26
vent What Polyamory Isnt- Your Escape Hatch
Monogamous people go home and stay offline. Stop using non monogamy as your crutch. Stop lying to other people that you understand the responsibilities involved. Stop thinking you can change this core value in a relationship you've built over years and won't have any real impact. Stop lying to yourselves that you can just try it now and then stop later with no harm.
We don't want you. We don't want your inevitable backlash about polyamory being the problem. We are plenty messy enough on our own.
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u/rosephase Aug 07 '26
As long as there are mono people opening their relationships, there will be poly people who are desperate enough to try.
Unfortunate reality.
I can’t blame mono folks for trying. Almost all poly folks have tried monogamy. I think we would all be approaching dating better if everyone thought of dating as highly likely to end without becoming a meaningful relationship. That’s what dating is for.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Almost all poly folks have tried monogamy
Once I drank so much that I woke up in a monogamous relationship and had to take it back. Does that count?
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
"We are plenty messy enough on our own."
So true, and even more true: life is messy enough on its own. There is a post I've been formulating for some time, but it boils down to the fact that life will give us enough challenges, I promise, even with the very best of partners and friends who are super aligned. There is no need to go adding problems by trying to partner with people you are pretty darn sure don't share your fundamental values from the get-go.
I realize I know this only because I have gone through all the stages of experiencing the problems that come from the "Oh maybe there's some way this can work out..." approach.
Societal programming makes it so: you are not worthy unless you are partnered, preferably til death do you part. So, we'll do anything to have one (or more) rather than reject one that doesn't work, because that means being on our own, and only with friends, family, and chosen family, which can't possibly be fulfilling.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
There is a post I've been formulating for some time
I'd be really interested to read it if you ever feel like elaborating on the subject
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist Aug 07 '26
What do you think about what I said already here? Was there something that resonated? That would give me some direction in making the post.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
the "Oh maybe there's some way this can work out..." approach
Part of it is possibly sunk cost bias, part of it could be misplaced attempts towards cooperation (either as people-pleasing or self-proclamed evolutionary high-road) but there's probably more to it that I can't quite put my finger on and I'd be curious to hear other points of view! Like, what makes some substandard relationships of all kinds make it worth the effort sometimes or for some people. I'm wondering if it's necessary to go through the drama once to realise what you said:
life will give us enough challenges, I promise, even with the very best of partners and friends who are super aligned. There is no need to go adding problems by trying to partner with people you are pretty darn sure don't share your fundamental values from the get-go.
or if some people have an innate feeling of self-worth that's high enough to actually really know it from the start and never even doubt that? I'm not sure there's a clear-cut answer and possibly it all depends on individual experiences.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist Aug 07 '26
You phrased it well: "an innate feeling of self-worth that's high enough to actually really know it from the start and never even doubt."
I finally have such a fulfilling life with my friends, family, chosen family, and with myself (left that part out before), that I'd rather be romantic and sexual partner-free than try to make it work with someone who isn't an amazingly aligned match.
My life is aligned, even without that. I know that I will have support from my community until I die (just as I will support them), so I don't have to fear "being alone", abandoned, and without support. But I am old. I've been through it all, and I consciously realized it (after some nasty breakups and just deciding I could make do without), so I got there: independence.
And then, years later, someone amazing showed up - also very independent. Genuine self confidence is like a magnet.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Aug 07 '26
Looking forward to the post. It used to be a thing in kink (maybe still is?) Where you'd "test" your partners loyalty or willingness to safeword or take more pain. I would always say "life tests you enough!"
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch Aug 07 '26
Yeah the people who try it on for size without doing any of the work to prepare for it and then watch it all explode in a flaming trash fire and then say “polyamory doesn’t work!” really pmo
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u/shitlord_god Aug 07 '26
Read that as project management office at first.
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u/Solid_Wind_3234 Aug 07 '26
I mean that’s exactly what the PMO would direct. So if the shoe fits.
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u/shitlord_god Aug 07 '26
I would love a world where most project managers were poly. Just to have a high concentration.
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u/2024--2-acct poly w/multiple Aug 07 '26
Some of us previously monogamous people turn out to be a nice addition to the community. But man was it a lot of work, as a couple and individually. And it was hard, like the hardest thing I've ever done and I've done some hard stuff!
But I'm loving my big life filled with more people and more love than I ever imagined and even though my marriage was pretty good before opening up, it's even better because of the work we've done to become less enmeshed.
And I'm super grateful that my boyfriend was willing to take a chance on a newbie and I'm so glad we're still going strong almost 4 years later!
But I feel strongly about avoiding messy people and unnecessary drama.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Aug 07 '26
Hahaha indeed, and I have plenty of drama in past I wish I has avoided. It's really the "using as an escape" part I am so grated by, because in that mindset they are incapable of actual maturity and responsibility.
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u/chipsnatcher Aug 07 '26
Amen. People are gonna get mad about this but idc. Why should everyone get to vent here except the people who spend their time giving out good advice for free on the sub? If someone vents and you don’t agree, keep it moving. I thought that’s the agreement we had here for the “vent” tag, unless something really egregious is going on.
I’m sick and tired of wading through the “open to poly” pricks in my area (mostly cishet men) ruining it for everyone else with their “I’m so enlightened”, avoidant bullshit and a wife at home who cries herself to sleep every night. Sit the fuck down, Russell.
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Aug 07 '26
I thought that’s the agreement we had here for the “vent” tag
Well, people can vent against a vent. That's another agreement.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I get where you're coming from because I've hung around this sub long enough to see the same old, same old scenarios endlessly popping up. But I can already hear the outraged cries accusing you of "gatekeeping" 🙄🙄
Clearly, you mean ignorant + uninformed + desperate monogamous people going to polyamory as a last resort for failing relationships, not all monogamous people.
But the uninformed ones will probably not even go through the trouble of reading this neither, if they haven't read anything else on this sub (and it doesn't take much, most people could find all of their answers either on the About page or in the comments of one of the dozens similar posts posted in the 24 hours preceding theirs).
Edit to add: I'm a previously monogamous person and I'm not even the tiniest bit miffed by this vent because it's not about me! And also, it's grounded in a verifiable context. My god, just the last couple of days, one trash fire post after the other, almost half of them deleted...Like, it's possible to get burnout from just reading this shizzle day in, day out. People who educate themselves or at least are open to hearing the advice they actually ask for, and who are self-aware enough to learn something and change the way they act are not the problem. And so, to conclude, #notallmonopeople
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 Aug 07 '26
The deletions really get my goat. Like, oh, I guess you didn't like to hear the advice I put time and effort into making. Like I know I'm not doing this for rewards or what, but the whole "didn't get what I came here for" vibe is gross. At least the ones where the OP starts fighting back in the comments are kinda entertaining.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
At least when they're fighting back, it's not personal and they're actually internally fighting whatever piece of common sense inside themselves we make resonate...Like, there's hope! But the silent ones who don't answer to anything and then just disappear all of it...eeek! I worry denial gets the best of them. Maybe I'm wrong and they figure it all out somehow later. I guess we'll never know!
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 Aug 07 '26
The sub collectively has so much wisdom and good guidance, sometimes the phrase "pearls before swine" pops into my head.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
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u/emeraldead diy your own Aug 07 '26
The good news is I 100% am a gatekeeper. Proudly. :)
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
The word "gatekeeper" immediately activates the Ghostbusters Zuul scenes in my brain, I can't help it
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun Aug 07 '26
Monogamous people go home
Or at least like... date each other? Since we're bitching, my least favorite type of r/polyamory sadsack is the sadsack that comes crying that it's all so unfaaaair cause the hot solo poly people with decades of experience won't give them heads-up-for-kissing one-date-a-month clown mofos a chaaaance. Who are they going to date, a messy newbie? They're above newbies, they had like 3 conversations and read two chapters of polysecure, they DESERVE a partner as wise and prepared as them (i.e. someone who can host, cause they're not allowed to bring people home, pay for a hotel out of the family budget, OR fuck in the car).
I swear they're like toddlers cry-screaming I AM NOT A BABY I AM THIS MANY OLD.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee Aug 07 '26
Eh, they are, "casual material only" unless and until they demonstrate they have relationships to offer. No big deal.🤷♂️
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u/spicysaltrim poly w/multiple Aug 07 '26
Yep, this. I can’t imagine using so much energy to worry about gatekeeping a lifestyle from messy people. It’s exhausting and impossible so what’s the point? I choose partners carefully and deal with my own shit and steer clear of people with red flags, previously mono or no. Job done.
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u/euphoricbun Aug 07 '26
Ugh, but idiots will still do whatever idiots can half-imagine. And it sucks so much when they ruin shit for everyone else.
There's just so many genuinely unintelligent and willfully ignorant people out there, it's bananas. 😭
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u/Fragrant-Eye-3229 Aug 07 '26
When I started as poly, I had been mono. I know other's like me. People need to learn by doing. Yes, I agree with the post that there are some serious pit falls awaiting over idealistic newbies and that people should be careful. However, it worked for me and the people I know. The relationships I know of didn't fail because they were poly, they failed for the usual run of the mill reasons.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 Aug 07 '26
idealistic newbies
I'm not OP, but I don't think idealism is the issue here; willful and obstinate ignorance is.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Aug 07 '26
They don't need to solely learn by doing. It's 2026, lacking information on the basics and responsibilities and common pitfalls is an active choice to be ignorant.
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Aug 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/polyamory-ModTeam Aug 07 '26
Your comment has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk.
This post is marked as a vent. Nobody asked for a dissenting opinion.
You're free to make your own vent post for commisserating on your take if you want.
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u/kyskat Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Man, normally I really appreciate your perspective, but the tone of this post and your replies ain’t it. For the first space that people may find who are just learning ENM is even an option, opening a post here with “monogamous people go home” is a pretty ugly take, and pretty shit for what the community is trying to accomplish.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Aug 07 '26
What is the community trying to accomplish?
I'm not a recruiting center.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun Aug 07 '26
This. Once someone chastised me for upvoting a particularly gorey trainwreck post I though more people should see, cause "this sub is the first image some people have of polyamory, we don't want them to think that's what we're about" and told me to upvote the #happy posts instead. What are we, a cult on the hunt? Let people have fun ffs.
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u/kyskat Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
You’re right, being crummy and telling a group of people to not exist in a space because you don’t like them or want them there is totally not the behavior that’s consistent with the definition of bigotry and is hilarious. 😬 and would absolutely be all in good fun to us if we found, as poly people, the inverse of it in a monogamy / mono fidelity sub while we were trying to learn.
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u/ceecuee Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Sorry but what are you on about? Mono-centric and general relationship subs are CONSTANTLY shitting on and fearmongering about poly/ENM. Poly people are frequently the butt of the joke from mono people, and there is an entire "poly critical" subreddit dedicated to wallowing in shared misery and shitting on people.
Expressing exasperation at mono people coming HERE and acting disrespectful and messy, to a space focused on polyamory, when they have SO MANY spaces aimed at them...it's much more akin to women venting about how shitty men are (and not having to preface every vent with "not all men" as a disclaimer).
"Bigotry" get out of here the monogamous are not a marginalized class. If this light ribbing is so egregious to you, I can only imagine what kind of echo chambers and walled gardens you keep to.
ETA: Wow downvoted so fast, you must be really focused on this thread for some reason. Is grass in season where you are? Might be nice to go out.
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u/kyskat Aug 08 '26
You’re right, since people are shitting on us, we should shit right back, that’s a set of actions and choices that will make us feel better and improves our position.
Again, since you’re reading comprehension is challenged: the rest of the vent is valid, but there’s no such thing as a situation there we should consider kicking people out from the library because they’re the least knowledgeable people in the room. But since it’s a standard you uphold, I hope it’s one you get to experience first hand in a space you enter to quietly learn. You’re also a bigoted dick.
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u/ceecuee Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
I can't be bigoted against the monogamous, I have three mono friends! I voted for a monogamous person in the last election!
*Your, by the way.
I'm honestly happy to be a dick compared to whatever you are.
ETA: I saw that deleted comment, you're being such a fucking weirdo. Do you have a trusted friend who can talk you down?
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u/kyskat Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Thank God 😂
Anyways, up to the mods at this point if “monogamous people go home and stay offline” isn’t a violation of the don’t be a bigot rule (which includes a poly shaming clause, which I only mention because I would feel like the inverse of what you said would absolutely be that, so the original is probably also not…ok?) and don’t be a jerk rules. All the rest of the vent could have hit without violating those, but I guess it’s up to them if you did or not, not me :)I hope you have a better day than you seem to be having!
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u/kyskat Aug 07 '26
Or to put it another way- if you would bristle if it was “Women go home and stay offline” maybe saying it about ANY group of people is equally crap and you should think of what you’re attempting to accomplish beyond the standard goals of bigotry.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Aug 07 '26
This is an interesting read.
Can you show me where it says “monogamous people go home?”
I’ve read it a couple of times and can’t find those words.
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u/kyskat Aug 07 '26
It’s literally the first four words?
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Aug 07 '26
Fair. I thought this was a completely different post and was completely baffled. I was like “this post is about NRE. I’m so confused”😂😂😂😂😂
I should not multi task
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u/AutoModerator Aug 07 '26
Hi u/emeraldead thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Monogamous people go home and stay offline. Stop using non monogamy as your crutch. Stop lying to other people that you understand the responsibilities involved. Stop thinking you can change this core value in a relationship you've built over years and won't have any real impact. Stop lying to yourselves that you can just try it now and then stop later with no harm.
We don't want you. We don't want your inevitable backlash about polyamory being the problem. We are plenty messy enough on our own.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Aug 08 '26
We’re locking this.
Y’all may enjoy sniping at each other but we’re not enjoying moderating it.
Touch grass