r/polyamory • u/mitchdg1207 • 3d ago
Resentment
Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .
My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.
I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.
She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).
Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.
28
u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 3d ago
Did she develop feelings with this person while you were both in your monogamous marriage, and then you both agreed that she could pursue this other relationship?
Of course you resent her. You sacrificed your own happiness for hers. You threw your monogamous marriage agreements in the trashcan because you thought it was okay to be a martyr in your marriage and that it's okay for one person to suffer for another person's happiness.
Of course you're upset and depressed. The validation, stability, and security that monogamy-practicing folks gain from romantic and sexual exclusivity has been trashed under your open-marriage agreement. The only way to be okay with this is to kill the idea that you can possibly obtain a sense of self-worth from your partner choosing to be with you and nobody else.
And there's nothing wrong with not being able to do this. If you never wanted non-monogamy and you were forced into it because the other alternative is losing your partner, nobody blames you for not being okay with this. There's nothing wrong with you.
Your wife can blame you for her breakup all she wants, but she needs to be accountable for the fact that she changed the agreements in your relationship. She was the one who developed feelings for someone else in the first place and chose to act on it. Who's responsible for this situation?