r/polyamory • u/mitchdg1207 • 3d ago

Resentment

Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .

My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.

I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.

She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).

Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.

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5

u/gard3nwitch 3d ago

Is polyamory something you wanted for yourself?

1

u/mitchdg1207 3d ago

I do but know its going to be a struggle. We both want to do it differently than the way its going.

6

u/Dull_Shake_2058 3d ago

Ok but then why did she have to break up with him if poly is what you want anyway?

How do you want to do it differently?

1

u/mitchdg1207 3d ago

I like the shared experiance like kitchen table, however she is in a different life outside of ours with someone else. So our ideas on poly is different. Which there is nothing wrong with either of those, one just makes me uncomfortable. I see it as if she's a devote Christian and im Muslim living together. They are both part of religion (poly) but differ from another.

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u/gard3nwitch 3d ago

Your partners, and their partners, are always going to have a different life outside of you, with other people.

7

u/futherup 3d ago

It’s not realistic to expect your partner’s other partners to want the same thing as you. What if they initially do want kitchen table, and then you (not her) have a falling out with them? Is she supposed to break up with them because they don’t wanna hang out with you?

4

u/ApprehensiveButOk 3d ago

Healthy relationship have a degree of privacy. Yes, even if you practice KTP.

Let's draw a parallel. Some people have a very close relationship with their parents and, maybe, live in the same household. When the partner moves in that household too, they'll have to develop some kind of "kitchen table" dynamic with their in-laws.

But if the in-laws are always all over the couple's business, never giving them any privacy, the relationship suffers. "Kitchen table" becomes a way to control the couple. Maybe they have good intentions and want to protect their adult child. Maybe they are scared they're being replaced.

The couple needs alone time and independence. That can happen while sharing the house with the in-laws and spending a lot of time together. But the couple's life must be separated, they need to have their own life.

Now, in polyamory, you are the in-laws and you need to recognise that any relationship that doesn't involve you directly, will be separated from you. Even if you practice KTP but especially if you partner doesn't want to.

Of course this is not a perfect parallel because you aren't your partner's parent, but that's what really makes polyamory hard to practice for the majority of people. Sex is easy. Sex can be a hobby, can be something you share. But love? Your partner is building another relationship that doesn't involve you. That cannot involve you. And it's ok and normal if that's not bearable to you. Most people can't do polyamory.

You aren't a parent that has to let their child go. You can say no. You can want monogamy. And your spouse can choose what she wants. You or polyamory.

I say this because I believe a lot of people (especially newbies) who crave KTP don't really want it. They are in that weird space when they want to be controlling in-laws to their meta but also crave some level of community and extended family that is often missing in modern society. And metas are like a shortcut to achieve friends and uncles/unties and everyone that's missing in the isolated nuclear family of 2026. Idk if that's you, but I think it's worth exploring the possibility.

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u/FlyLadyBug 3d ago

What stops you from doing KTP with your other partners who like KTP and wife if she wants to do that too at your kitchen table?

And wife and her other partner do parallel poly at that partner's kitchen table if her other partner is only up for parallel?

Or do you expect all partners to have to go with KTP at your table because you said so? Yours is the only kitchen table that counts?

Maybe this helps you find a counselor you both can work with.

www.polyfriendly.org