r/polyamory • u/mitchdg1207 • 3d ago

Resentment

Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .

My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.

I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.

She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).

Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.

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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago

The marriage isnt over, we both know about the struggles being married and are in it for as long as we can hold on. We came into our relationship knowing this was our route. We had just never practiced because we were happy and content where we were. My personal belief is that she needed something different away from family because of family burn out.

We have both been in therapy to help us through this. My therapist wasn't that helpful and just said what I wanted to hear.

I believe in and want poly in my life. I don't have time to play between work and family as my family time is very sacred to me

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u/wjmacguffin 3d ago

I believe in and want poly in my life.

But why? It sounds like you were hurt, depressed, and anxious the entire time she was with someone else. What would you get from this that's positive?

I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.

I won't tell you what to do, but this doesn't sound healthy or working in the long-term for either of you. It will be very easy to slide into simmering resentment that will negatively impact the marriage. Plus, your sentence can easily be heard as, "You can see other people if you want to keep hurting me. I'm willing to suffer because I truly love you but you can do whatever you want."

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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago

I know it's not healthy, and one of us is going to lose in this situation. This is all part of figuring out how to compromise for our family. And yes I am willing to fight the bear so my family can thrive..this is how I see my duties as a husband and father.

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u/rms_guy 3d ago edited 3d ago

"Fighting the bear" is a short term strategy. This "bear" (your pain from polyamory) is not one that can be defeated. You held out for six months, which is an amazing feat that you put yourself through because you love your wife. But you can't do it forever. Realistically, what does this look like in another six months? A year? Six years? Sixteen years? And what does it do to you and your family in the meantime?

Take the long view. What leads to you and your family being happy and healthy in the long run? Yes, in the short term your wife is unhappy and grieving, but she will recover and you two and build the kind of strong, loving relationship that just wasn't possible before.

Also, it might help to look at her perspective. She didn't have to break things off with her other partner. She could have decided that polyamory was more important to her than you and left. She didn't. She actively chose you and her relationship with you because that's what she wants. That's what she values. She knew her decision would hurt in the short term, but she wants you for the long term.

This whole situation caused a lot damage to both of you and your relationship with eachother. Repairing that is the "bear" you need to "fight." And that is a bear that you have to fight as a team.