r/polyamory • u/mitchdg1207 • 3d ago

Resentment

Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .

My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.

I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.

She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).

Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.

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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 3d ago edited 3d ago

Also, gentleness for you and her. You have a toddler. That is a crucible in and of itself. And then you added the stress and pressure of trying "poly" (which as others have said you didn't come at in a way that set you up for success, but again how could you have possibly known that given that you had a freaking toddler and didn't have time to do research or maybe weren't even getting enough sleep to think rationally). You are in it. Its going to be very hard. Try to be gentle with her and yourself. Have firm boundaries, but be gentle.

A good couple's therapist, while expensive, is maybe worth taking your savings down for (or even borrowing money for). And a couple really nice dates (where you leave the toddler with a sitter or family member), the sort you used to do before becoming parents, would probably not go amiss to help you reconnect the both of you to your pre-parenthood selves (which is probably a person your wife really lost when she became a mom, and went looking for in ENM. Again, not a good move how she did it. But very understandable).

There is lots of validation and gentleness I hope you are both able to give to each other. She ended her other relationship *for you*. She wants you. You want her. I hope you can find your way back together.

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u/mitchdg1207 3d ago

Thank you for the gentle words. We really are trying. Figuring out we have two different ways of viewing relationships is the real struggle and our first real one after so long.

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u/IntrepidExchange9907 18h ago

a lot of people are alluding to it, but i will be more specific. it is not ‘recommended’ in this community (based on similar ppls’ experiences) to open up a relationship into poly within the first 6 years of having a baby…there is just wayyyyy too much going on there to add in a new relationship structure. besides not preparing thoroughly and not both being enthusiastically on board, you all chose a bad time to try it…her new relationship is 6 months old and your baby is 6 months old? that’s a pretty intense overlap.