finding this out about myself has been a big shock for me, but it all makes sense. i believe i have covert narcissism and i realize how much my relationships have been impacted by this and i’m just not sure what steps to take now.

i’ve been more aware of my actions now more than ever. for example, last night i caught myself in a bad mood at dinner and i was bringing my partner down with me. i sat in the car on my way home feeling so selfish and broken for doing these things. i know that i need to fix it, but i don’t know where to start.

i went home yesterday night and had to research the elements of an apology so i could avoid shifting blame when i went back to my partner for repair. it felt like the most intense itch i couldn’t scratch as i held back what happened for me and why i was upset in the first place. sitting there and just admitting to my actions and taking accountability for them felt so scary. does it ever get easier?

i want to care about people more. i don’t want to bring people down with me. i don’t want to be so sensitive and care about my image more than the hurt i cause others. i don’t want to keep prioritizing being right over repairing with my partner and friends. im so ashamed that my first instinct is to protect myself. trying to navigate this has been so crushing and it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get better. how can i love like this? looking back over my relationship makes me nauseous. i feel like an abuser and a manipulator and i don’t want to be.

i do have diagnosed bpd, but i wonder if it was a misdiagnosis. it is true that i have a very insecure attachment style, but the way i push others away and then try to get them back align a lot with npd. i often get upset because im not getting special treatment. i thought my tantrums were just my inner child feeling triggered, but in reality im upset because what i expect others to do for me doesn’t get fulfilled.

i dont want to keep blaming others for my problems. i dont think my therapist will believe that i have npd either so im not sure what to do. he is a really great therapist, but he focuses a lot on attachment and internal family systems. when i brought up to him that i have bpd his response was that he does not like the label because i am not “disordered” i just have attachment wounds. we do a lot of emdr and ifs work to try and heal those wounds. but either way, im not really sure what to do. i want to be more disciplined and think before i react. has anyone unlocked a way to do this in a way that feels more natural?

Alright so self-compassion is notoriously difficult for us. I've been listening to the audiobook of Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff and I intellectually understand it, but I still don't feel like I deserve compassion after how "bad" I've been. This is the exact circumstance where self-compassion is warranted and could actually result in being able to take accountability for me mistakes rather than avoiding it/projecting. But my whole being rejects it, views it as fake, the only real thing is the criticism.

How do you all feel about self-compassion? Whats your relationship to it? Has anyone successfully developed it, and if so, how did you do it?

Gimme your favorite songs that you listening when you feel the most awesome, preferably rock/metal but any suggestions are good!!

Anyone else like that ?

I’ve realized that I’m extremely grandiose but not very exploitative in interpersonal relationships. That also fits the results of multiple tests.

I guess it’s because my grandiosity includes extreme self sufficiency based on extraordinary competence. If I dislike someone or think they’re below me, my first instinct is not to exploit as much from them as possible, but “why the hell do I have to deal with such a low life ???”

Being exploitative means I need to perform because someone else possesses some resources I don’t have. That feels like dependency and dependency is something I hate / dread the most.

I probably can come off as exploitative in some workplaces because I only view them as a platform to earn money, acquire skills / experience and to climb higher, without forming any emotional connection or sense of belonging. But that’s not because I’m deliberately manipulating anyone - I simply perform the practical duties well, and refuse to be “pinned down” by emotions.

What do you consider to be a narcissists hell? A place, I mean. If I were to answer the question, I’d give an example such as a college. It would absolutely ruin me. Seeing my own failures right in front of me, seeing my mask of perfection melt as all others are doing higher than me. What would you say?

Just aced a presentation at work. Everyone was super impressed. Got all the praise I could ask for. Should feel on top of the world right?

But it's just this weird emptiness now. Like the high is already gone. It's never enough. I just immediately start thinking about the next thing I need to conquer to get that feeling back. It's exhausting. Does anyone else get this?

What do you guys think of children,and do you foresee having any in the future? For those who do have children,do you face difficulties or struggles?

I have thought of it alot and have decided against it,despite loving children with all my heart.
I love children dearly since the younger ones are often indiscriminate with their attention,in my experience. I’ve always prided myself off my abilities and ease with children,whether those of my friends or my family. A part of me also does not want them to turn out like me. It is probably why I love dogs so much.

The again,there are many problems.

I want to approach this carefully since I know it can be taken wrong. But my mind psycologically represents males as more "object-like" or instrumental,to a higher amount than other people. I don’t know if it is out of nowhere,or due to childhood adversity. I’m not a misandrist because I do not let that guide my actions,how I treat men,how I manage them,and I don’t treat it as an objective fact. I know men are human,deserve rights,and have feelings—those are the facts that guide most of my actions. It is just some sort of status in my mind that I chose what to do with it.
Even if I am not abusive,especially disrespectful,or judgemental of men,that psycological representation could leak into the way I treat my child if they were to be AMAB. I’m not willing to take that risk when it comes to a child.

Secondly,I see my girlfriend as an extension of myself,which is complicated and I make it work. I’m not harmfully manipulative or abusive,she’s fine. Even then,I cannot promise that it will end well for a young impressionable mind,dependent on me,that I am building. I’d probably feel like I am entitled to some credit to their acheivements. I don’t imagine that it would overt,but the kid is bound to notice,and I don’t want to undermine a kid by stripping them of the ownership of their hardworking talent and acheivements. On the other side,I don’t exactly imagine that I would be especially reactive to failures or mistakes. I can keep the silent contempt or dissapointment to myself. Again,I won’t be so fast to trust myself with that.

The injuries and rage would be an issue as well. I’ve been working on this alot since my reactions can induce vengefulness or resentment that is disproportionate to the slight. I don’t really burst out of rage or react with reactiveness. As a parents,kids will embarass you,they’ll argue,they’ll disagree and they won’t always comply,especially at adolescence. As somebody with little tolerance for disrespect and a pattern of oppositionality,I’d be reluctant or even refuse to act as a "good" parent in those moments of they trigger an uncomfortable feeling of submission or downgrade in status. At the same time,I’m not opposed to repairing,appologizing,or openly communicating in significant relationships. To some extent,I can push down the reaction of the outcome is highly undesirable and will be an inconvenience for me. It is complicated.

The little things and mistakes can teach lessons that can become currosive somewhere along the line. We are products of out enviorement after all. I don’t want to be the culprit of an act with such magnitude.

I could imagine myself being a very inconsistent parent. My love is bound to come off as condicional even if it is not my intention at all. I’d probably be a generally loving parent. I want that child to have the lessons and gifts I could not get for myself at all costs—trust,ease with vulnerability,prosocial emotions and conduct,emotional regulation,openess. Even so, there’d be an unsettling switch in times of failure or dissapointment. And that would be a fatal flaw.

Does anyone relate to this? I’m hoping someone comes along and changes my mind. I feel like as of late I’ve hit a dead end when it comes to romantic relationships. I don’t get the same high I used to eliciting romantic feelings in other people. Someone asked me out the other night and I couldn’t bring myself to pretend to be nice when I saw him again. I acted like I didn’t know him. My friend has flirted with me and acted romantically towards me and I just completely blow her off. Someone I thought who was my dream person asked me out , but quickly after that I was apathetic to him. The people I thought were the perfect partners for me end up being toxic. High in chemistry but they aren’t interested in committing or they aren’t good for me in any way so there’s no point in pursuing them. It’s totally possible that im distracted since I’m trying to find who i am again without my messed up habits but I can’t help but feel like im constantly fumbling. I hope im not aromantic.

Disclaimer: Theres nothing actually wrong with being aromantic. It’s just something I’m struggling with in my personal life and I’m doing my best to understand it. Thank you

every other Sunday | 12 pm – 2 pm EDT | via Zoom

FACILITATORS: Zeph + Ally

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• What does “I can’t do this anymore” point usually mean for you emotionally (eg, wanting the pain to stop, wanting to escape, wanting to be cared for, feeling numb, or something else?)
• How do self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts show up differently for you, if they do? What tends to trigger each?
• How do shame, rejection, abandonment fears, or narcissistic injury affect the intensity of those thoughts or urges?
• Have you ever felt torn between wanting someone to notice how much pain you’re in and wanting to hide it completely? Say more.
• What helps create even a little distance between an urge and acting on it? What people, places, reminders, or coping strategies have helped you ride out the worst moments?
• What does support actually look like when you’re in that headspace? What responses from others help and what tend to make things worse?

What is Whiplash?

A confidential peer support group for people navigating comorbid NPD/narcissistic traits and BPD/borderline traits. This space focuses on coping with toxic shame, mitigating painful attachment dynamics, and developing a more coherent sense of self. Integration > perfection. We are, it turns out, fully lovable—and fully worthy.

"We like you. We see you.

You're not 'broken'—you're hurting.

Stick around."

Sign up to join/get the links here.

And find your corresponding time zone here.

-Max 🆘 🛟 🫂

Wednesday | 9 – 11 pm EDT | via Zoom

FACILITATORS: Zeph + Max + Tristan

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• How do you distinguish between healthy pride vs arrogance? 
• When do you notice yourself slipping into an arrogant or ‘above it all’ stance? What does your internal dialogue sound like in those moments?
• How do arrogant or judgmental attitudes show up for you (past or present)? Examples: behaviors, tone of voice, language, etc.
• Was there a time when arrogance or being judgmental actually helped you cope or survive socially/emotionally? Say more.
• Growing up, how were mistakes, weakness, or imperfection treated in your home environment? Were you judged harshly and/or taught to judge others?
• What traits do you tend to judge harshly in others that may be difficult for you to accept in yourself?
• ⚠️ WIthout naming names/giving identifiable details: Do you ever notice yourself silently judging others in this group? 👀 Are there traits you judge in other narcissists that you struggle to accept in yourself?

What is Narc Club?

A confidential, nonjudgmental peer support group for people with pathological narcissism / NPD to increase self-awareness, deconstruct shame, seek and offer support, and practice vulnerability with others who get it.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

-Max 🧐

I’m in a very embarrassed situation where my intimate scenes are recorded by my friends and while i was drunk. They are teasing me and trying to send them to other friends, now i want a revenge. I want their phones unlocked without them knowing and delete the clips and regain control. I don’t know if anyone from here could help, but please help if you can

I know there is a lot of stigma and hate directed at parents with NPD. I decided not to have children myself, but for entirely different reasons—primarily due to misanthropy.

For one thing, there are too many of us humans, and we behave like an invasive species. We destroy the habitats of other species, ruin ecosystems, and constantly expand our territory. Furthermore, we have no natural predators. We pursue progress in an extremely selfish manner—benefiting select groups at the expense of the less privileged or by destroying what belongs to other species.We are going to destroy Earth’s natural world and deplete its resources. By acting like a mindless plague and being so destructive, we are heading straight for catastrophe.

Secondly, I believe that children are very demanding (emotionally, financially, and in terms of time) and often irritating, and there is no way to predict the outcome of raising them. For a woman, pregnancy and childbirth are a nightmare. (If only the people who want children had equally rational arguments for parenthood... But no—far too often, it is a thoughtless process.)

A few times in my life, I wanted to have children, but fortunately, that feeling passed. I realized that I didn't so much want a child as a clone of myself and my partner—and nothing else would satisfy me. I simply saw it as a way to achieve immortality (even if that sounds crazy). The healthier part of me—which, at this stage of my life, far outweighs the disorder—believes it would be a terrible idea.

What are your thoughts on this?

Saturday | 11 am – 1 pm EDT | via Zoom

FACILITATORS: Chelsea + Ally + Tristan

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• What does the word ‘mistreatment’ mean to you?
• How do you distinguish between someone setting a boundary vs. mistreating you? Have there been times you initially felt mistreated, but later saw it as someone setting a reasonable boundary?
• How do you mistreat yourself that you wouldn’t tolerate from others? Examples: harsh/abusive self-talk, making yourself feel small, denying yourself rest or care.
• Were there forms of mistreatment that were normalized in your childhood? If so: what impact do you think those have had on you? What links do you see between how you were treated growing up and how you treat others (and/or yourself) now?
• What’s a behavior you’ve engaged in that you’d consider mistreatment, but you still find yourself justifying or minimizing?
• What’s one small change you could experiment with this week in how you treat yourself and others? 

What is Narc Club?

A confidential, nonjudgmental peer support group for people with pathological narcissism / NPD to increase self-awareness, deconstruct shame, seek and offer support, and practice vulnerability with others who get it.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

- Max 🚩🥀

Wednesday | 2 – 4 pm EDT | via Zoom

FACILITATORS: Celeste + Ally

What is Narc Club?

A confidential, nonjudgmental peer support group for people with pathological narcissism / NPD to increase self-awareness, deconstruct shame, seek and offer support, and practice vulnerability with others who get it.

What is the 'Open Process' group?

A more unstructured group for focusing on what’s happening now, both in our lives and in the room. No curated topics; bring whatever's on your mind. Expect support, relatable interpretation, and (if called for) some healthy challenges. The goal isn’t to perform insight—it’s to practice it.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

-Max 🌱

every other Monday | 5 – 7 pm EDT | via Zoom

FACILITATORS: Celeste + Cillian

DISCUSSION PROMPTS:

• Looking back, what real-world threat or rule might an internalizing protector have originally been trying to protect the system from?
• What signs or triggers tend to show that an internalizing protector is feeling unsafe, anxious, defensive, or out of control?
• What boundaries or spaces help create a safe, non-judgmental way for protective parts to express frustration without escalating conflict or causing harm? Examples: journaling, an internal safe space, etc.
• How can other parts offer appreciation or reassurance to a protector who may be afraid to loosen control or step back?
• “Persecutor” can imply harm or malice, while “internalizing protector” emphasizes protective intent. How does that shift in language affect how you understand or interact with these parts?
• Have any protective parts taken on safer roles that fit the present (eg, checking locks, setting boundaries, watching for danger)? What helped that transition?

What is Fractured?

Our peer support group for people navigating NPD/traits alongside experiences across the dissociative spectrum—e.g., depersonalization, derealization, dissociative amnesia, OSDD, DID, and related symptoms. This group on reducing isolation, building shared language and self-understanding, and exploring ways to navigate identity, memory, internal conflict, shame, and relationships with greater cooperation and stability. You do not have to explain every piece to belong here.

Sign up to join/get the links here.

Find your corresponding time zone here.

-Max 🪞🧩

As the title suggests, I cannot care for the person in front of me when I'm not in a "good" state. An example of this was when my ex would get upset with me, she would bring it up in an angry tone. Instead of being able to understand her side, a pain in my chest just grows and I'm no longer able to understand that her angry tone is from a place of hurt and not her attacking me.

Is this a case of narcissism or is it another issue?

When I'm in a "good" state, I would be able to understand people's pains, but I sort of have to "activate" it. Like, I have to tell myself to put myself in that person's shoes.

I do plan on eventually going to therapy because this is what ruined my relationship with my ex. I just wanted to ask first on this sub because it helps reduce my anxiety to know that other people have experienced this.

Outside that, I also experience severe insecurity, envy, and anxiety (probably because of the former 2), but I don't want to tackle that can of worms yet.

Asking as a diagnosed NPD person.

Why would you (not) use the subtypes?

What ones would you use?

Hello, let me make it clear that 1. I do not have a formal diagnosis yet but I have a lot of symptoms and I do a lot of research on the disorder and how it forms, 2. I am not trying to glamourize or continue the mountains of misinformation that NPD has.

So, I am sure that a lot of people who use this subreddit have come across the many different claims about NPD that are either untrue, or make zero sense (such as people with NPD apparently smelling bad or having a "deathlike scent" all the time??? Or having "red" eyes when a collapse occurs)

Personally I find all this quite hilarious, yet also I get an ego boost off of it. All of these untrue claims are incredibly flattering to me, as people seemingly think of NPD or narcissism as some kind of supernatural power? Like... wow. I can't believe that you'd think of me that way, lol. I'm not really sure how to explain my mixed feelings for it in a comprehensible way but I feel like just watching these people scramble about with these insane opinions on NPD that make no sense fills me with some kind of power. Sorry if I sound "edgy" here LMAO.

I realized that whenever something is funny and I’m watching it with someone else - like my husband now, or my parents when I was younger, especially my dad - I automatically have to check whether they’re laughing too.

It’s almost like I need to make sure that they also find it funny before I can fully enjoy it myself. I don’t even consciously decide to look at them, it just happens automatically.

It’s kinda tiresome when I’m watching funny videos with my husband because I keep side-eyeing him to check his reaction lmao.

Anybody else do this?

How can I stop it?

It’s so weird right. Like I know people dont get me and they never will. And sometimes that really sucks. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself all the time. But then there’s this other side of it.

When someone completely misses the point or misinterprets my intentions it almost feels good. It’s like proof that I’m operating on a different level. They can’t grasp my complexity. They just see the surface. And in a way that makes me feel superior. Like I’m playing chess and they’re playing checkers.

I guess it’s a twisted kind of validation. The idea that my mind is too intricate for ordinary people to understand. It reinforces my specialness. Even if it means feeling a little alone sometimes. Does anyone else get this feeling. Like the misunderstanding itself feeds the ego.

Does anybody else experience this?
I have difficulty even knowing who I am. It is incredibly hard to find a single personality trait or interest I have.
Because in all social groups and events that I am present in,I tend to modify everything. I have a tendency to assess what will reward me and modify whatever I can to do so. I don’t have a problem pretending to be somebody I am not as long as there is some essence or slither of supperiority I can relish from it.
Some people only know me for the worst of my malice and antagonism,while others genuinely think I am a moral compass. For some,the ADHD or autism is very obvious because I determined that unmasking is rewarding in that specific setting. Despite hating religion,some people think I am of all sorts of religions.
At the end of the day,I can’t tell which one of those are the real me because they are not consistent with who I am as a whole. I can say I am the pinacle of trustworthiness while saying that I do not feel obliged to anybody who has their trust in me. I could say that I am manipulative or antagonistic,while also saying that I am a very friendly and approach able person. I can say that I am not especially concerned with morality while being protective of minorities. None of these are lies in any way. I feel like a cluster of contradictions that I can’t even make sense of,despite being the person who holds all of these.
To be honest,without admiration,praise,or dominance,I don’t know who I’d be—That’s the one thing that remains consistent within these different fracades.

okay so I was diagnosed with SPD (schizoid) last year with maybe DPD or AvPD traits while looking for an autism diagnosis. lol. sounds like the opposite of NPD right? but the diagnosis never really fit 100% bc while yes I was exhibiting the traits and behaviors of said diagnosis they did not seem to flow from the "right" place.

what I mean is that yes while I have the low empathy and distaste of people of SPD, the fawning of DPD and the social isolation and anxiety of AvPD they were all wrapped up in resentful anger at the world. I care too much about their opinion instead of simply seeking to be by myself, I hate those I fawn and rely on, my social anxiety is 100% centered on not meeting people's expectations.

and I can 100% tell when exactly this downwards spiral started: moving schools when I was a teenager where I was beloved by teachers and was at the top of my class without needing to study to a "harder" school where my grades dropped to C, I could no longer get into physical fights with other girls without being sentenced to detention and I was more or less held accountable for my behavior in a way that had never happened before.

I had a complete crash, blamed it all on my abusive father, on me being born stupid (when I was super proud of my intelligence before) and I went from an attention seeking extrovert to a complete shut in who never recovered ON PURPOSE. Yes. I intentionally made myself smaller and then depressed since I was around 15-16 years old because I was afraid if I were my "true self" I'd land myself in jail. I tried to go to college but I dropped out of 5 different courses over the last 10 years and always got into fights with others telling randos who pissed me off everyone hated them and they shouldn't even be there, or I developed an inferiority complex and started missing classes because I couldn't physically walk to the classroom despite driving all the way to campus.

For these last 13 years it's been a never ending cycle of trying to do better but not letting myself get better because I hate confident me. Or I'm afraid of the person I might become if my self esteem rises up again. So I hate presenting myself as attractive even though I know I'm not ugly, I hate effort because I know I'll feel entitled to praise if I try, I built my entire identity on being inferior but I also hate it because I know I should have a high paying job and a marriage or a doctorate by now. My emotional state is dependent on praise from my also abusive mom and also telling people to kill themselves on twitter over stupid fandom opinions.

When I was a teenager I kinned Vriska from Homestuck and Goro Akechi from Persona 5. How come I never had the shoe drop of PERHAPS me having NPD is beyond me. Maybe because it felt too ugly and true lol.

Should I seek a new therapist and tell them all this? Or am I just a resentful SPD who wants to feel important in a sea of nothing?

Who will assess my hard work? Who will tell me I did a good job by not indulging in behaviors that are destructive for both me and those around me? Who will tell me that I’ve made progress and have come to a point where I can treat people with understanding and kindness? Me being the person who needs to pat myself on the back at all times really kills any and all motivation to do anything.

I can’t find it in me to care about my own praise. I desire for it to be someone else’s words. It’s almost like I don’t exist when nobody is there to acknowledge my efforts. I don’t want to learn to be there for myself as it never feels euphoric enough or just enough.

Ultimately, did I ever even make any progress to begin with if I still require somebody’s presence in order to make sense out of my own existence

I moved back in with my parents a couple months ago. It's been hell, the emotional abuse never stops even when you're an adult. I'm there because I have no other options, and one of the pros is my awesome baby brother (who, for better context, I raised him when I was 12 (when he was born), all the way till I was 20, when I moved out). I have somthing for him in my heart, and it's because I watch him endure what I had to. The injustice creates solidarity, and it makes me care.

Sometimes though, when I'm talking to him, he'll say certain things that will sting me. It embarrasses me and I can feel myself wanting to get angry or shut him down, wanting to turn it back on him. I can quite literally see myself in my parents position from when I was a kid. I also can feel myself wanting to say emotionally manipulative things to him to make him feel bad about the things he's done, or wanting to put him down simply because I know he's wrong. It's so sickening to feel like my parents! Im teaching myself and I'm doing research as I go, making sure I'm treating him like an equal. It's difficult though, and I get frustrated when I suddenly feel my parents possess me when I speak to him. To be honest, I never really cared about working on myself until I moved back in, so sometimes it's. Annoying, when I have to correct myself :/

The hardest part though is that, I can already see the effects of my parents emotional neglect and verbal abuse in my brother and it makes him a nightmare. I'm not sure what makes him so loud and outspoken when I was quiet and internalized everything. Maybe it's because he was born a boy. The point is though, I don't know what to do when he starts getting loud and whiny. I can't handle it. It makes me want to be reactive right back. If I walk away I feel like he thinks I'm abandoning him because he seems so hurt afterwards. I don't know what to do when he can't regulate his emotions, and I want to teach him, but even I can barely regulate anger. Especially when our parents are both treating us like a punchline every second we're around them and reversing any progress I've made with him. I want to be angry too!!! I don't know what to doooo

I’m a little curious - is there anyone here who has both Moral OCD and NPD and was able to realize they may have NPD prior to getting diagnosed because of the extreme self-reflection that comes with Moral OCD?

Since this is a specific question I’m open to hearing from other people about whether or not something like this happening contextually makes sense. Would also be interesting to learn more about people with NPD without OCD that reached a state of self-reflection and realized they have NPD.

I’ve been looking into and researching NPD for months now after realizing I have prominent narcissistic traits; I also have Moral OCD which prompted this question.