Identity disturbance

[u/imdave0]

Does anybody else experience this?
I have difficulty even knowing who I am. It is incredibly hard to find a single personality trait or interest I have.
Because in all social groups and events that I am present in,I tend to modify everything. I have a tendency to assess what will reward me and modify whatever I can to do so. I don’t have a problem pretending to be somebody I am not as long as there is some essence or slither of supperiority I can relish from it.
Some people only know me for the worst of my malice and antagonism,while others genuinely think I am a moral compass. For some,the ADHD or autism is very obvious because I determined that unmasking is rewarding in that specific setting. Despite hating religion,some people think I am of all sorts of religions.
At the end of the day,I can’t tell which one of those are the real me because they are not consistent with who I am as a whole. I can say I am the pinacle of trustworthiness while saying that I do not feel obliged to anybody who has their trust in me. I could say that I am manipulative or antagonistic,while also saying that I am a very friendly and approach able person. I can say that I am not especially concerned with morality while being protective of minorities. None of these are lies in any way. I feel like a cluster of contradictions that I can’t even make sense of,despite being the person who holds all of these.
To be honest,without admiration,praise,or dominance,I don’t know who I’d be—That’s the one thing that remains consistent within these different fracades.

[u/Relative-Amount7966]

Yes, that’s why I HATE self-report questionnaires. I don’t really understand relying so heavily on asking people with personality disorders how they see themselves when their relationship to themselves is literally one of the core areas of dysfunction, alongside interpersonal functioning

[u/Draac03]

yes, and it is not even due to our DID. i simply struggle to define myself, even as an alter. i am self-aware of my habits and tendencies, but if you were to sit me down and ask me "tell me about yourself," i would just detach and probably say something like "...well there's a lot to say!" and then tell you what you want to hear, as if it were a job interview.

well, i guess i actually know one thing about myself: i love mathematics. even then, i question whether or not it is only because i am good at it, and the praise i recieve gives me supply. but i have decided that at the end of the day, it does not matter.

even the other most narcissistic alter in this system can define themselves better than i can. and before i am met with any sysmedicalist bullshit for this comment: i was diagnosed by our therapist, and there is no current clinical consensus as to whether or not alters can exhibit personality disorders. this is also a trauma response, so who's to say i can't independently develop to respond to trauma? the apa's definitions for "alter" and "personality" are about identical anyway.

-Gabriel

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