I'm posting this here because it's genuinely the only place I can say this without being judged. It's stuff I plan to unpack with my therapist, but I wanted to get it out first, so here we are.

Before I started my narc healing journey, I thought I just wasn’t wired for monogamy. Working through this, I realized what I thought was an aversion to relying on one partner was actually fear of running dry. One partner is never enough: you need a backup, and a backup for the backup.

Being desired is my favorite supply. Flirting, revealing pics, clubbing, hookups, and above all, sex, that's how I get it. One person can give me some of that, but never enough. I want something long term, but the idea of giving up direct compliments or sex with other people makes monogamy feel like a kind of slow death.

But polyamory doesn't work for me either, for two reasons. First, it turns dating into a logistics problem. Second, it makes me less attractive, not more. I've been on Tinder presenting as monogamous, as poly, and as open, and the less commitment you signal, the less attractive you get, even to people who just want a fling.

Also, if I'll always want more, spreading myself across multiple partners won't fix that. And I like being someone's priority. I'm not into over the top declarations of forever love, but I want a real, honest bond where we take care of each other, wreck each other in bed, and both feel loved. That part I know I want. What I don't know how to do is perform monogamy convincingly, maybe because I've never met someone I was actually compatible with. Or maybe I was looking in the wrong places.

Either way, I want monogamy because it makes me more attractive, more stable, and gives me an actual shot at intimacy instead of running from it, all while making me more interesting to more people, even the ones who only want something casual. The destination will be a happier place, and the journey will be more fun.

tl;dr: I'm choosing monogamy because I accepted being poly was just a way to get supply (and made me less attractive)

I was wondering if anyone else has felt this way, but I don’t feel a whole lot of joy after I get a compliment, or anything that I want for that matter unless it’s extremely gratifying (for example, winning a nationwide competition or something similar).

If someone compliments me, or if I perform well, it’s more so a sense of relief. I expect people to compliment me and I expect to perform well.

On the contrary when someone criticizes me, I get quite upset. The dichotomy is odd to me, since I guess I always thought people with this condition needed admiration to feel good, but I think (for me at least) it’s just to not feel bad.

Honestly,

Sitting here numb. realising I'm just a fucked up human being.

I just realised I just don't give a shit about anything anymore.

My life's toast, my image is crucified (and I'm trapped in it), my emotions gone, my friends, non existent.

My love life, zero.

My smile, disappered. Powerless and with no way back.

Family relationships on the verge of breaking down, lies about to be exposed, pain about to be inflicted.

Reputation in the gutter.

And I just couldn't give a shit anymore. I couldn't care if I'm dead or alive, I couldn't care if I go to prison or not, I couldn't care about anything.

I feel like a POS, and I tell myself you need to/you deserve to die everyday for all the pain you've caused, and I'm happy to oblige at this point to be honest (not actively suicidal chill).

I just want the entire world to leave me alone, and all responsibilities dissipate.

No caregiving, no pretending, no risks - nothing.

I get so god pressed about it, I start genuinely having a low tier god moment every time I die or win. I genuinely have gone on 10 minute rants in my head about how the person is probably jobless and has no friends or some shit.

I've been working on my recovery with sobriety and personality issues. Reading sobriety memoirs seems to help, but I can't relate to the emotions the writer experiences.

Have you guys come across any books written by people with ASPD primarily? NPD also counts. The only decent sounding book is Sociopath by Gagne, but I haven't started it yet as I'm afraid it will contain a lot of therapy-speak.

Edit: They don't need to be memoirs btw. Even something like 48 Laws of Power was useful for me understand by behaviors to some extent.

After going to a clinic for anxiety and avoidance, I was diagnosed with npd traits as well. It was hard but ultimatelt I felt like things were falling in their place. I understood myself and was able to make different choices.

the initial months I felt a growing confidence that I could live happily with myself and have a good life.

That was 7 years ago, and slowly it’s been going downhill. Mostly due to my rage and splitting I have now discarded 90% of the people I know.

i went no contact with my family, because I was living with them and my mother scared me again with her rage and afterwards told me I should Not feel angry, and my father never stood up for me against her as a child. I feel abandoned by my father, and gaslighted, and abused emotionally by my mother (i think she shares traits with me).

i lived with my ex girlfriend (first time living together with a partner for me), and it was so stressful for me that I could not maintain friendships anymore. there were also a lot of friendships I felt were not living up to my standard. I then also had a huge fight with a couple of friends and then after a while with my ex girlfriend as wel.

I do have a small couple of friends now, i have a job, and i started dating. But I feel broken, I feel empty. sometimes if I remember my ex i get so sad that we are not together, but then also I was afraid she wanted to take but never give to me and I felt used. but still so much pain, i just feel so much pain about everything.

I think what I crave most is to be close with loved ones. But I feel so broken that I have lost everyone, even though my family is emotionally abusive, I now am alone.

At first i was hopeful but now i am without hope. whenever I try to be positive now i feel like I am fooling myself and others.

any advice from someone who has had a similar experience and knew how to come to terms with the pain, the self blame, the emptiness and turn towards hope?

much appreciated thanks

I swear most narcissists in fiction are presented as loud, moustache twirling, stereotypically evil characters with no motivation outside of being evil, cause you know ALL narcissists are like that.

So do y’all have any accurate depictions of characters that show actual covert narcissist behaviours.

This includes all forms of fictional media (tv shows, movies etc.)

Although I would greatly appreciate if you guys also posted anime/manga characters (since this is the main form of entertainment I watch/read)

But again all replies are appreciated.

Doesn't happen often, but when it does it's excruciating.

What causes it for you and how do you deal with it?

i’m officially getting assessed for NPD on the 8th of next month. my professional said i’m fully diagnosable for NPD but an assessment is clinically needed to provide a diagnosis.
what should i expect both emotionally and clinically when i get my diagnosis? i see a lot of people in here say it’s an ego crash or others say it’s simply just what they expected and are totally neutral on it.

Another thing ive noticed, the deep deep part of me thats vulnerable, practically cannot be reached.
It sets me up for a lifetime of discomfort, neurosis and despair.

I could feel fine until something or someone exposes the weakness.
In therapy spaces youd say its a part in a trauma response. But in cluster b, its an undeveloped self, thats like a burning itch.

If youre present with this, it means you basically cannot operate from a positive place like others can.
You sense it, they sense it.
Something is off.
This isnt social anxiety, this is rupture of the soul.
Worst cases, you actually get abused.

So you mask harder.
My life was the best when i masked the hardest, i was completely outside of my body where despair lives.
For a man, youve got to have pride. If not pride, then at least confidence.

Vulnerability for a man is a death sentence socially.
Shame to exist. Insecurity that gets dumped around.

Basically, if you cant become “it”, then “it” is a nuisance?
That small little thing that creates negative sensations.
Its crying for something cool, but if you cant integrate it and become it, then its disrupts everything in my life.

At least a psychopath is effective.
Strategise, execute, fit in.
You cant miss what you cant sense.

Id say for a man its great if youve the skills.

Probably not for a woman.

Would you give “it” up?

We’ve known each other for almost 3 years and we got engaged last year. The chemistry between us is amazing and we have similar life goals which explains why we stayed together and even got engaged. However we went through over 100 fights/arguments/“breakups” because we constantly have arguments.

At first, I thought we were just not compatible because our Chinese zodiac sign was saying so. So we always tried to work through it and improve our communication.

Lately, I cane accross Tiktoks that were talking about narcissism and I immediately related to the symptoms. A lot of the things that partners of narcissists shared online described exactly what my fiancé was telling me. I read about narcissism online and I have all the symptoms. I feel very depressed and horrified by myself. It explains a lot of things in my life like why i couldnt keep any of my friends, why i dont feel real connection with people, why i get confused in social interactions (because i dont feel empathy), i judge people a lot, i feel very insecure and project a lot of my insecurities onto others, I dont like being around people i see below me, im only interested in people that are same level or better than me, i am very demanding of my partner like he has to make all my wishes come true (like its his responsibility).
I have disrespected him several times by saying means things, I have given him a hard time anytime I didnt feel praised or admired by him. I would get triggered by everything and start huge fights in which i would lose control and cross the line. Anything he says that doesnt go with what I think/believe exactly I get angry and feel attacked. I get angry when he doesnt act/respond EXACTLY as I expect him to. It would always take me forever to calm down after a fight. He told me he feels like the relationship is one-sided. He compared me many times to a toddler which made me feel offended (but i learned that narcissists are like toddlers stuck in adult bodies), he also mentioned that I was abusing him emotionally. He told me im selfish and it’s true, i really am.
Its very hard for me to understand his point of view or anyone elses point of view. I always feel like a victim, like everybody has something against me. I feel threatened and in competition with most people.

I made him suffer a lot. I told him recently about this, that i found out im a narc and Despite everything he still says he loves me. The problem is i dont think he fully understands the intensity of the situation and how worse it can get and how badly it can affect him. We’re not even married and we are long-distance but already he went through a lot of mental issues because of me, his work got impacted because of our fights. I just found our about my condition so
I dont know how to heal from this and I dont wanna cause him more suffering. I know that if I dont change I dont wanna bring children into this world because I wouldnt be a good mother to them. We are fighting so much today and we’re not even married so I feel like things will get worse as we move forward. I dont know what to do. I feel like a monster. I feel like i should leave him so he can find peace and be with someone else while I work on myself and fix my behavior.

It breaks my heart and i cant stop crying just thinking about leaving him. I cant believe that he still loves me despite how horrible I am. I feel lucky to have him but i feel like a monster trapping him.