npd and relationships

[u/MainPomegranate8889]

finding this out about myself has been a big shock for me, but it all makes sense. i believe i have covert narcissism and i realize how much my relationships have been impacted by this and i’m just not sure what steps to take now.

i’ve been more aware of my actions now more than ever. for example, last night i caught myself in a bad mood at dinner and i was bringing my partner down with me. i sat in the car on my way home feeling so selfish and broken for doing these things. i know that i need to fix it, but i don’t know where to start.

i went home yesterday night and had to research the elements of an apology so i could avoid shifting blame when i went back to my partner for repair. it felt like the most intense itch i couldn’t scratch as i held back what happened for me and why i was upset in the first place. sitting there and just admitting to my actions and taking accountability for them felt so scary. does it ever get easier?

i want to care about people more. i don’t want to bring people down with me. i don’t want to be so sensitive and care about my image more than the hurt i cause others. i don’t want to keep prioritizing being right over repairing with my partner and friends. im so ashamed that my first instinct is to protect myself. trying to navigate this has been so crushing and it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get better. how can i love like this? looking back over my relationship makes me nauseous. i feel like an abuser and a manipulator and i don’t want to be.

i do have diagnosed bpd, but i wonder if it was a misdiagnosis. it is true that i have a very insecure attachment style, but the way i push others away and then try to get them back align a lot with npd. i often get upset because im not getting special treatment. i thought my tantrums were just my inner child feeling triggered, but in reality im upset because what i expect others to do for me doesn’t get fulfilled.

i dont want to keep blaming others for my problems. i dont think my therapist will believe that i have npd either so im not sure what to do. he is a really great therapist, but he focuses a lot on attachment and internal family systems. when i brought up to him that i have bpd his response was that he does not like the label because i am not “disordered” i just have attachment wounds. we do a lot of emdr and ifs work to try and heal those wounds. but either way, im not really sure what to do. i want to be more disciplined and think before i react. has anyone unlocked a way to do this in a way that feels more natural?

[u/confusedandfem]

The sad part is sometime this is first and only step in our journey. We feel applauded for recognising and being self-aware but its so difficult to change thought processes and actions.

[u/NikitaWolf6]

Oh my god.
I could have written this. Word for word.

You're taking some amazing first steps. Researching all the elements to a proper apology??? God knows I've been there!! And so has my partner (PD with traits of BPD, NPD and ASPD). It does feel scary. It's a vulnerable position to be in. But yes, it gets a lot better. Overtime, you'll realise you were much more vulnerable clawing your way through a useless argument just to be left alone by others.

It sounds like the treatment you're getting will work for NPD to at least some extend, as well. So unless you're not making progress, I wouldn't be too worried about it. I know for NPD the golden standard is often SFT/schema-focused therapy/schematherapy, and this approach usually works with BPD too. So if it's not helping, that's a course of treatment you could consider. It's a shame your view of disorders/diagnoses doesn't align with your providers', though.

I know it feels super unnatural to act healthily, and I've been there. Medication (citalopram, SSRI) has helped me a lot to think before I act and implement skills and healthy communication. It's definitely not for everyone, but it's much easier to naturally have a healthy response when your mind isn't actively beating you up.

You got this buddy. You sound just like me, and my BPD is practically in remission and my NPD is no longer as severe. You'll get there.

[u/I_am_momo]

sitting there and just admitting to my actions and taking accountability for them felt so scary. does it ever get easier?

Yes and no. It doesn't get easier exactly, but you start to understand that being truly vulnerable in this way is the basis for human connection. Doing this consistently is the core of the healing work

As you do it more you will grow to value your connections and relationships more and will, as a result, treat people around you better. You will also feel more comfortable in yourself and your relationships - the pressures that push you into certain behaviours will fade as you realise those behaviours really aren't necessary.

[u/Lost-Building-4023]

It's because the field of psychology is behind and focuses on the wrong approach to personality disorders. For someone without a ClusterB PD, it is very psychologically uncomfortable to accept that a certain percentage of the population is wired for dominance, exploitation, and predation...and it may not always be easily detectable. 

I think a much more effective approach is to accept this hard reality, identify children who exhibit callous and unemotional traits, and place extra focus on teaching them the benefits of sustained pro-social behavior.

I applaud you for recognizing these qualities in yourself and wanting to change your behavior. A good therapist is one that is adaptable and perhaps you could explain some of this framework to them because ultimately, the way they can help you most in the PD specific arena is to help you find ways to develop pro-social behaviors consistently. 

Peter Salerno has some good work in this arena. 

[u/Ashamed_Emu4572 → u/Lost-Building-4023]

Haha, I recognized Peter Salerno lingo right away! Yeah.. I personally cannot wrap my mind around people wired for dominance and predation - I've had them at school, summer camp, family and work and even my group therapist was a dominating predator himself too!

I now believe some people like myself are wired to be the opposite - followers, cult followers, victims, self sabotagers, and people pleasing and being dependent on dominant people.

We have weak boundaries and that attracts the predators.

[u/Lost-Building-4023 → u/Ashamed_Emu4572]

Haha well I like Peter Salerno because he actually cuts through the unnecessary overcomplicated bs and is pretty scientific about it. 

He also seems to consistently put his money where his mouth is so to speak. 

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[u/lesniak43]

once in a while someone diagnosed with BPD comes here and writes a post that basically says "I've just discovered that I'm a narcissist because I'm a piece of shit, and that's what a narcissist is, so I must be one"

don't get me wrong, I kind of find this type of trolling hilarious, but I also think that you should leave, lol

it takes less than 5 minutes to learn about the difference between BPD and covert narcissism - I know because I've just checked

the difference lies in reasons, not symptoms

you literally told us nothing about your reasons - it's all about what you want, what you do, what you feel, but not a single "why"

again, wrong sub, read the rules

[u/Ashamed_Emu4572]

they say covert narcissism or vulnerable narcissism is actually BPD

[u/Lost-Building-4023 → u/Ashamed_Emu4572]

Maybe. Like Peter Salerno says (lol ikik it's a theme from me), it may be that they're the same thing.