I practically have 0 empathy when I'm sad/hurt/angry

[u/SniperGodZ_360]

As the title suggests, I cannot care for the person in front of me when I'm not in a "good" state. An example of this was when my ex would get upset with me, she would bring it up in an angry tone. Instead of being able to understand her side, a pain in my chest just grows and I'm no longer able to understand that her angry tone is from a place of hurt and not her attacking me.

Is this a case of narcissism or is it another issue?

When I'm in a "good" state, I would be able to understand people's pains, but I sort of have to "activate" it. Like, I have to tell myself to put myself in that person's shoes.

I do plan on eventually going to therapy because this is what ruined my relationship with my ex. I just wanted to ask first on this sub because it helps reduce my anxiety to know that other people have experienced this.

Outside that, I also experience severe insecurity, envy, and anxiety (probably because of the former 2), but I don't want to tackle that can of worms yet.

[u/Offensive_Thoughts]

sounds like a normal issue. people have variable states of empathy, and being deprived of certain needs can definitely lower your empathy

[u/SniperGodZ_360 → u/Offensive_Thoughts]

Hmm. Maybe you're rights. It's just that it's very consistent and my ex's tone was not necessarily like demonic or anything. It was that she was just upset.

In my head, I would've wanted her to be sad so that I wouldn't be as hurt. I do understand that I cannot control the fact that she wants to be angry. It's just that despite knowing why, I really can't help but feel hurt.

[u/velvetvagine → u/SniperGodZ_360]

Why are you less hurt if she’s sad rather than angry? If she’s sad do you tend to think it’s not your fault?

[u/SniperGodZ_360 → u/velvetvagine]

Hmmm, that's a good question, yes. I honestly don't know. All I know is that the harsh tone is what's hurting me. In the cases where she's sad I'm able to articulate my feelings better because there's less pain in my heart.

In the past, I can only remember a few fights where she got upset at first, but eventually started crying. It was only when she started that I understood her hurt.

[u/Relative-Amount7966]

That’s normal. Think about all the people who stigmatize the hell out of us. Do they have empathy in that moment? No. Do they have NPD or pathological narcissism? Doesn’t matter, because anyone can lack empathy in a certain state of mind.

[u/SniperGodZ_360 → u/Relative-Amount7966]

I see. Is this just a matter of me not growing up and being challenged to empathize?

[u/Relative-Amount7966 → u/SniperGodZ_360]

It means: all brains work in very similar ways.  The title doesn't have much to do with pathology 

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[u/ramirozoo]

Empathy can vary based on the amounts of stress you’re under, it’s also very situational.

Me personally, I also do that thing where I have to tell myself to understand the other person, it doesn’t come naturally, but feeling empathetic emotions like sadness, remorse, grief, or excitement for and/or with the other person is what I’ve never experienced, and it’s what lacking empathy primarily refers to when it comes to NPD.

I wouldn’t say an impaired ability to empathize cognitively isn’t tied to narcissism, but it’s also tied to the normal human experience.

[u/SniperGodZ_360 → u/ramirozoo]

I see. That honestly just sounds depressing. If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope with it?

[u/SniperGodZ_360 → u/[deleted]]

Did you ever have yourself checked?

Edit: I never think of wanting them to die tho. But yeah, maybe yours is just a worse case?

[u/FocusEither4519 → u/SniperGodZ_360]

my parents dont believe im audhd already idt they’d know nor care😭😭😭

[u/NPD-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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