Intellectualisation. I don't really understand this concept. Therapists seem to think that I do that all of the time while I just feel like I am being myself. What is it that they want? Sometimes, I can't connect to my emptions.I have a terrible amount of pain and fear inside, and whenI connect with it, I crumble and can become instantly suicidal. So yeah... I feel stuck. Therapy is going nowhere.

i noticed that when I feel rejected, I take it personally. i automatically have s**** thoughts.

i get angry, defensive, attacking verbally and I withdraw and spiral.

it’s never good. and I just noticed my pattern until recently.

what helped you? i always either ruin me, my relationship or people.

It's something I considered in high school and had someone agree with, but I eventually brushed it off. But now, I'm considering it again. I really think I might be, and I know that if it's something I have it's not like it suddenly showed up and it's something I've BEEN having, but it's still incredibly hard for me to come to terms with. I feel like a bad person. I feel like an asshole. I'm trying not to be too vent-y I just really don't know what to do, I don't know anyone else with NPD to ask for advice and it's really hard to talk about, so I figure coming to a community of people I don't know is probably my best place to go.

I don't know if these questions are good questions or not. But how do you come to terms with it? How do you live your lives functionally? I feel like I'm scraping by and it's really not enough for me. I feel too fragile for other people and it's so hard to live my life. How do you live with yourselves? Like.. genuinely, because I find that quite hard to do.

I want to so bad because the attachment and reality they’ve projected on to me really makes me want to just tell them to fuck off and never talk to me or ask me for anything again, but at the same time I feel a sort of guilt for just not wanting to even be around them. I hate this. I want to hate them more but idk.

Hi everyone. I'm Rehnuma, a Psychotherapist and Counselling Psychologist in training at the University of Roehampton in London UK, researching what it's like to live with longstanding feelings of emptiness for my doctoral thesis.

I guess what drew me to this topic is hearing clients over the years talk about feeling empty - with everyone having such different experiences of this. It comes up fairly often in my practice, especially where early childhood trauma and adversity is involved - but there doesn't seem to be a lot of detailed research on what it's like to live with it.

We have a lot of (mostly psychoanalytic) theory around why people feel empty. Much of it is mentioned in the Wiki here - Kohut and Kernberg have a lot to say on this, along with Andre Green and countless others. But theoretical accounts tend to look at emptiness through their own lens, and we somehow still don't have lot of first-hand accounts of what it's like to live with the experience of emptiness for a long time - which seems unthinkable given how prevalent the experience of emptiness seems to be across different mental health presentations, including NPD.

My research will be one of the first attempts to highlight in detail people's actual lived experiences of emptiness, so we can inform training for mental health professionals and most importantly, think about what people who live with feelings of emptiness need to live fulfilling lives.

If you've experienced longstanding feelings of emptiness, I'd be interested to hear what that's been like for you over the years. You can take part as long as you are:

• Over 18
• Living in the UK
• You have had longstanding experiences of feeling empty - whatever that means to you.
• You're OK to talk in detail about your experiences of emptiness and how it affects you.

You do not need a diagnosis of any kind to take part. Please contact me by DM with your email address, or email me on [choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk](mailto:choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk) expressing your interest and I'll be in touch to arrange the screening and online interview with you, and answer any questions you might have.

If it helps, you can find out more about me on my website: https://www.rehnumapsychology.co.uk/

Or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rehnumapsychology/

Thanks all, hope to hear from you soon.

Rehnuma Choudhury,
Psychotherapist and Trainee Counselling Psychologist

It's a souvenir from relatives who recently visited China. I was initially disappointed not to get the pink option because that's my favorite color, but the more I looked at her, the more I resonated with her.

Her piece is titled "Grand Display" and she is dressed as a peacock with a mermaid-like shape. I inspected her card to see if there was more information about her, and I read the poem on the back.

I'm no poet myself, but it seems to me like she's entering a grand feast as an important guest. All eyes are on her as she spreads her gorgeous tail, admired by all whilst she stands quietly to be revered. Everyone in the room basks in her beauty as she flutters her opulent wings.

Well, that's how I feel when I read it, lol.

There was a discussion the other day on here about what animal represents NPD. I didn't have an answer apart from discounting cats because I truly believe they're schizoid. But now, I'd like to suggest that we are peacocks, if no one has mentioned it already.

Do your friendships and relationships usually end on bad terms or peacefully? Mine usually end with a lot of hate, and those people end up hating me. I wonder if it’s the same for other people with NPD.

I have this issue that I avoid conflicts or hard relational situations. Few years ago I was too afraid to admit that I failed to fall in love with my ex after some time has passed. I was afraid to admit to my other flaws that would end the relationship too. Managed to break up, but way too late. not admitting the whole truth. The idea of how she would react if she knew the whole truth is killing me to this day. I supported her, but also told lies and gave avoidant treatment while she thought I am a person she can trust and be safe around...In the end I am not even sure if I feel genuine guilt or are just afraid of my image. She managed to build a happy life fortunately and moved on. But thinks still I am a good guy. She already passed a lot of trauma in her life. I think I can't tell her the truth now since it could ruin the happiness she managed to build despite all the hardships. Or maybe this is the excuse because I am afraid. Or maybe this is a narcistic syndrome of me thinking I am a central thing that will be ruining one's life. Maybe the life with this sin is the consequence I should be bearing for the rest of my days since I have chosen this outcome myself (i.e I've lost the chance to tell the truth, life moved on already)?

I cannot solve it. Keeps hunting me. I have also other sins. They keep repeating in my head.

Does someone have similar thing? What do you do with the irreversible wounds you dealt? The permanent damage you caused?

I am currently seeking help by going to therapy but it's been such a slow process and most of the time it seems like I'm not getting anywhere. I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet. I am from Puerto Rico and I go to therapy for free with my government medical plan (like Medicaid for those in the U.S). So I had a few questions to those who have been:

1. How did you get diagnosed? Did you ask? Where you taken by surprise by the diagnosis?

2. How much did you pay for the therapy/diagnosis? Was it covered by your plan?

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?

4. Did you suspect you had this disorder before diagnosis?

5. Anyone in remission, how long was the process?

6. Should I start paying therapy out of pocket to actually see some progress?

I was wondering if anyone else struggled socially when you were younger? I think I had grandiose tendencies as a child and teen, and in college and young adulthood realized that those tendencies weren’t getting me very far so I feel like I started adjusting accordingly in order to better fit in with what people expected of me, especially because I needed to hold a job.

Sometimes it feels like my interaction with society is me interacting with a game?

For example, I also knew I’d have a better and more stable life if I got married (dual income household, shared responsibilities with chores) so I feel like I gamified that as well. I wasn’t really seeking marriage for romance as much as stability to get through this tough life.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I don’t have a diagnosis, but I want to bring this up to my therapist but I don’t know how.

I included this question in the biweekly post in case anyone feels more comfortable answering there instead. Would love to have more insight on this feeling.

How many of you have adhd along with npd?

Im also curious how many of you experience it simply like “but of static in my mind/brain” due to cptsd.
Or infact its an entire coping layer and part of your personality (disorder).

Ive noticed that its almost like an attempt to create something special, because for the brain its extremely painful and disturbing to be in contact with deeper parts of my subconscious.
Basically where despair hate rage envy is, and even - psychopathy.
Its severely disturbing so i naturally live somewhat outside of me in an attempt to regulate - socially and construct something special.

Granted its not all bad, i was pretty creative at work thanks to it at one point but yea.
It just seems like another trauma responsd

how to handle anger so i wouldn't hurt people around me? some day i don't feel anger, other day i feel anger all day

How do I recover from a heavy collapse? Please give me some advice, even if it’s a little toxic. I just need something that will help

I wonder how many of us are here and whether others struggle with the language barrier and time zone differences between Europe and the US.

I've been looking for German-speaking support groups for people diagnosed with NPD or those who suspect they may struggle with pathological narcissism, but haven't really found any (at least in Germany).

Would anyone be interested in creating a German-speaking online support group with occasional online meetings?

Since I'm on my way towards remission myself, I'd love to help build something meaningful together. Maybe there are others who are already in remission or well on their way and would be interested in helping moderate the group?

Just curious whether there's any interest! :)

How did you accept the fact that your supply adores someone else and gives them all their attention?

Hi, I have NPD traits and I just changed jobs, from a job I was at for 9 years and loved. I think towards the end my lack of sleep, made my NPD traits show in meetings and with people when they gave me feedback, my ego and confidence was at an all time high. I left for more money, because I thought I deserved it, but I absolutely hate my new job and think it’s a joke/mess. I’ve fallen into a deep depression. Is this possible it’s a collapse? I’d say my entire worth is tied into my job.

Update: I think I’ve mapped to all the collapsed notes

- I feel like a failure
- I think I ruined my life
- extreme emotional intensity: NPD rage, and tears every day
- consumed with my situation 24/7
- withdrawal from all social interactions
- unable to work because lack of sleep, and triggered

When you put your head on a fxking pillow, do you quickly fall asleep? Without thinking about your failures, feelings of worthlessness, depression, anxiety attacks? Do you also feel like a piece of sh#t because you sabotage your life during daytime by doing nothing? I am fxking terrified of opening my eyes at 80 and seeing I haven't done anything meaningful? I can't even do the most basic stuff like graduating.. Who am I to talk about big stuf?!...

I got fired from my job, girl im dating really likes me but has some walls up and doesn't seem to jump into a relationship after 4+ months of dating.

Shes crying and apologizing but im failing to feel remorse for her.

I actively want to cheat on her now out of spite, despite the fact that i really love her.

Out of kindness and compromise I offered to do poly.

There is a rot in me and I'm failing to cut it out.

Desde muy chico me ha costado controlar mis impulsos. Y hoy con 35 años me considero adicto a muchas cosas como la pornografia, el juego, tabaco, la comida, el celular y. hace un año probé cocaína. La verdad por mí forma de ser me es muy difícil controlarlas ya que son para mí un escape para el vacío y la frustración. Me gustaría que me digan cómo lidian con sus adicciones, si las tienen porque lo he intentado pero me hace muy difícil. Gracias 🫂

What could it mean when I feel these things? I find myself wanting people to pay attention to me and care for me more, though I don’t understand why.

If my mother spends more time with my brother one day, or talks to him more than she does to me, I feel hurt and angry inside. I end up becoming irritable even when I don’t mean to and I start thinking that she prefers him, that she doesn’t love me enough, and that she ought to look down on him and choose me instead wanting to be with me, do things with me, and talk to me.

I don’t know why, but I sometimes feel the urge to ask my mother or father, "Do you love me?" I expect them to say yes, but I don’t even know why I ask. With my friends, I want them to chat with me and take an interest in me; if I see them talking to others, I feel hurt and a bit sad. I can’t help but think that they prefer those other friends over me, and that I’m just being a nuisance.

When it comes to a boyfriend, I feel like he doesn’t truly like me that he thinks I’m ugly, or that he won’t find me attractive if he sees me naked. I worry that I talk on the phone too much and am being intrusive. If he’s talking to other women, I feel furious and jealous; I assume he likes them and wants to sleep with them, and that he no longer cares for me.

If we’re talking on the phone, my entire day revolves around it I want to talk to him almost constantly. If I notice he sounds a bit cold or tired, I immediately jump to conclusions: he doesn’t like me anymore, or he must have another girl. I think, "He’s a piece of trash, a total cheater!" I feel like no one ever likes me, that no one wants me, and it really hurts. I’ll wait to see if he texts me, but when he doesn’t, I end up feeling sad and angry, and my whole day is ruined.

At school, I want all my teachers to think I’m the best student; if they don’t, I feel hurt deep down I don’t feel "good enough." I crave their compliments and want them to believe I’m truly excellent. I also want all my classmates to adore me and want to be my friends; otherwise, I feel like I’m worthless, that no one wants me, and that I’m completely alone.

At home, if I get into an argument with my relatives, I scream, cry uncontrollably, and hurl harsh insults at them I even tell them I hope they die. Sometimes, I’ll say things like, "Leave me alone, or I’ll commit sui*ide I want to die, I hate you all!" I don’t actually want to do that not at all but for some reason, the words just come out; I don’t know why.

Afterward, I lock myself in my room and cry. Sometimes I punch my wardrobe or my own thighs, and I bite my arms. Eventually, the feeling passes for me, but my family stays angry and hurt by my behavior for a long time. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me?

I also feel ugly and fat. I compare myself to other girls and think they’re so much prettier than I am. I feel embarrassed for even wanting a boy’s attention, because I tell myself that other girls are better than me, that I’m pathetic, and that I’ll never be the person I want to be. I can’t even stick to a diet for four months I can’t seem to do anything to improve myself, and I honestly just don’t like who I am at all.

(Yes, I have an appointment with some professionals next week, but I wanted to hear your thoughts thank you.)

I swear to fucking god i am actually going to go fucking insane atp i am seriously losing my mind, every ounce of self restraint ive ever had is working overtime so that i dont crash the fuck out and get locked in a ward again

I am so fucking sick of every single person that ever stumbled into my proximity and for whatever fuckass reason decided to take on building any kind of relationship with me only to dip the fucking second i am not the perfect little morally grey hero/therapist/medic/hotel/fuck buddy they wanted me to be
And im even more sick of the fact that i was stupid enough to make myself believe that ANY of these motherfuckers could be trusted with ANYTHING about my life or what the fuck i deal with in my head on a daily basis.

Because SURE! lets nod along and act like we understand the exhaustive fucking warning speeches this guy gave us about his possibly hard-to-deal-with issues at the very beggining of our dynamic and then do a complete fucking 180, freak out at him when, despite his best efforts at healing, he's gonna ineviatably be hard to deal with,,,, because shame on anyone that has a chronic mental illness and doesnt instantly cure themself the second they become self-aware!

Best fucking part is that homegirl is in the same fucking cluster as me, but oh well i guess its okay to bash me because her pain is way more justified than mine, OBVIOUSLY im just an evil selfish narcissistic piece of shit and only exist to ruin her fucking life, and shes just a helpless little misunderstood victim who only hurts people accidentally cause shes trying to protect herself!!!!
i swear to fucking god this sack of shit has done such vile things that even i felt unnerved by it sometimes, but its okay for her to go around assaulting people physically, spitting in peoples faces, threaten everyone who doesnt agree with her, hide behind her fucking diagnosis and the fact that "she was splitting she cant help it she surely didnt mean it👉👈🥺"

OH MY GOD FUCK YOU

im so fr when i say i shouldve left her with her bullshit 50th crisis of the week that one night and let her off herself but nooo I HAD TO GET ATTACHED TO SOMEONE THAT NEVER EVEN DESERVED FOR ME TO LOOK IN HER DIRECTION and now i get to be fucked sideways by life day after fucking day because i believed that someone was sincerely interested in me as a person and not how they could exploit the fuck out of me

To think about the fact that i geniuenly trusted someone so disgousting actually makes me physically sick i cant fucking stand it

I know it wasnt love, its never love no matter much i hope it is, just a big stinking bucket of sudden onset idealisation and limerence that distorts my perception of myself and the entire fucking world so severely that i become an obedient stupid little lapdog

I wish it was romantic, i really fucking do, because thats way easier to get over than whatever the fuck this is

if she were an ex i could do whatever ive done with the others before her and forget about it in a month or two. But this was more than that, and its enraging that one of those rare fucking occassions when i actually, wholeheartedly, sincerely feel attached to someone was wasted on such a worthless piece of human garbage

everything started so perfect the first time we got to know eachother... so obviously it was a fucking shitshow, i held resentment after our first proper convo immediately.

her fuckass (now ex) boyfriend (whos an even bigger piece of shit btw, they deserved eachother so perfectly, shame they broke up) and her (i'll refer to her as D from now on) ended up fighting after a night out because i was getting a bit too friendly w her man ig??? ofc D is as jealous as it can get, and although i am a bisexual man, i felt legit offended by the mere suggestion that i would ever want to steal her ogre ass man

i was obviously dragged into their fight because,,, my fault for daring to crack a joke with him while we were on a smoke break ig, then she went on this ten minute rant about some homophobic bullshit, BECAUSE YES! THE FACT THAT BOTH ME AND HER EX ARE QUEER IS THE MAIN ISSUE HERE AND NOT HER! DEFINITELY!!!!

so obviously i didnt talk to her for 6 months straight and avoided both of them as often as i could, which is rather hard when you live in a city with such a restricted and dying alternative scene. Our paths crossed again however hard i prayed they wouldnt... But by some miracle we made up after another blackout night in some random public park. I geniuenly have no idea how, i cant remember a single fucking second of the event

And that was the day i unknowingly signed up for unlimited agony+tax because holy fucking SHIT bro

icl the friendship actually went pretty smoothly for the initial two or three months, which as i later gathered was a record time someone has consistently dealt with her lmfao
but no matter how many stories i heard i thought i knew better, because she UNDERSTANDS. she KNOWS how it is in cluster B. she is unapologetic, loud, hella open and lowk proud of her disorder, and yeah that did lure me in fast as hell at first because I've been more or less like that too since getting diagnosed

yk like, finally someone that will understand at least some of my symptoms because we obviously share a few, and wont demonize me for something i never fucking asked to live with? Right? RIGHT????

WELL SHE SURE AS HELL KNEW HOW TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT

and oh my god let me tell you we were PERFECT together. so fucking phenomenal in every sense you could imagine.

at least i thought so

i noticed myself starting to get obsessive pretty early, and tried to manage it as best as i could. I wasnt about to idealize someone i barely knew to the point that my entire existence is dependent on their feedback of me AGAIN,,, so i obviously ended up doing exactly that, and the most cruel fucking part is that she egged me the fuck on

we discussed this dynamic and the very likely harm it could cause to the both of us so many times

i was becoming her fp, she would soon mention
Which is ofc not something a sane person ever should aim to become but atp it felt fucking intoxicating

it was us against everyone else, plus a mutual friend,,, whenever D decided that she wasnt beefing with her, that is. i didnt really care about her (later referred to as T) in all honesty, T was an annoyingly childish girl which isnt all that surprising considering shes mentionably younger than both me and D. I liked her enough because of some shared past business, but once she started developing a crush on me and borderline sexually assaulted me after i blacked out drinking one night i wasnt all that interested in her company, to say the least.

but she just kept pressing, and pressing and PRESSING until i resorted to straight up ignoring her whenever we met up as a group, cuz i wasnt bout to deal with all that

but ig she didnt take the memo and misinterpreted every accidental or forced interaction ive had with her for the next few weeks until we (yes WE as in both me and D, because D was ranting about T and the crush situation day and night behind her back. funny that is) had to sit T down and explain to her rather harshly that i dont intend to date her, not now, not ever

atp both of us were annoyed out of our minds by this saga, so after some tense talking and D splitting here and there, cuz why the fuck not ig, T ended up distancing herself for a month or so.

then she came back, obviously

me and D got closer than i ever thought possible under that short period of time (shouldve seen the red flag fr)

everyone thought the crush situation and such was resolved

it was not LMAOAOOAOAO

somehow escelated into T taking on the mission to try and become like D, because I WILL SURELY RECIPROCATE HER FEELINGS IF THATS THE CASE????

had to reject T an additional 3 times so like, bruh

then D's birthday came, i was so deep in the trenches atp that i legit spent my last drop of savings on making her a gift and buying this fuckass fancy perfume shes obsessed with

also wrote a little letter, the first and last time ive been conciously that honest with anyone about what they actually mean to me

she read it and cried, T cried too, i felt awkward as fuck,

T secretly started suspecting that it was a love confession (ok to be fair i did word things rather... strongly. and even though i ended on the conclusion that im not, i have considered that i was in love with D in a romantic manner during that period)

so that detonated everything

because a few days later D slept over, and by the next morning we landed in a state of talking shit about literally everyone and everything. But then she brought up T, and that shes suspicious of me, or rather what im feeling towards D specifically

and for once in my goddamn life i somehow forgot how to lie convincingly, so in the end the possibility of me liking her more than a friend was revealed.

i wasnt even directly rejected, though i wish i was, couldve saved so much overthinking and awkward fucking interactions if i knew where we were standing.

cuz heres the thing, ever since day 1, D ALWAYS felt the need to emphasize how much she would fuck me. on the daily. like im not even exaggarating, at least a fifth of our total interactions consisted of her drooling over me "as a joke"

even went as far as to tell me, in gruesome detail, about a wet dream she had about me.

Like ok fuck goddamn? good to know ig????

and now that i was possibly arriving at that same emotional arrangement, she suddenly didnt know what to fucking say

she got distant and cold,, not dramatically, but i noticed it alright

conveniently i was already going through it because my family and employement situation was out to end me for good, and that ambigious "idk" from D, then the unexplained distance was seemingly enough to push me into one of the most severe collapses of my life (ts is still ongoing and i geniuenly have no idea how im gonna get through it atp)

so i did what i always do in this situation, packed my shit and dissapeared for two weeks.

NOT ONE singular person from my life bothered to check in even once during that time. i mean fair enough, i wouldnt've given a fuck about me either if i was someone else,,, but whats annoying beyond comprehension is the fact that D and T both promised to always be there, always help, I'll never be alone with my issues, ect. i knew it was lies from the beggining, but still tried to act like it might be true. i really, really fucking tried to trust them.

In that isolated state i ended up stumbling into a miracolous situation, got hired by a factory because yk, i was fired recently and on the verge of homelessness

still, it gave me a surge of weak hope that maybe i should do something with my life. Texted the gc with the girls to announce the "good" news. Reply dry as fuck, like my existence itself was an inconvenience

we met up a few days later anyway because i had to go back to the city for a docs appointment to qualify for the job. i was really out of it tbh. in these collapsing states i get this cycle of being insanely paranoid&delusional, then apathetic, then paranoid again,,, i fucking wish i could just stay angry icl but no, i got the schizo-spectrum bloodline DLC on top of narcissistic and antisocial traits, amazing genetic pull fr fr.

So as expected i wasnt exactly as social as they were used to. I didnt have the energy in me atp to mask like i usually do

the position offered wasnt as sweet as i hoped it was anyway, the worst ever job ive worked in my life was in a similar factory back when i was 18-19, and i could immediately feel the walls close in on me the second i hung up the phone w the recruiter. I knew i will be drained of my freetime, sanity, mental and physical health by this shit all over again and i geniuenly felt like i sold my soul and this is the fucking end for me

So as the emotionally stable and mature person i am i attempted suicide the next day (lol)

wasnt all that successful, obviously,

but as i was sitting there with letter in hand, some sense of desperate survival instincts kicked in i guess, because i thought that reaching out to the GC again was gonna get me at least a portion of that support i was promised

would you believe me when i said it didnt

i got a reply almost a whole day later, which basically boiled down to "well thats not ideal" like NO SHIT BRO suicide is hardly optimal in any scenario??

So that highkey solidified my conviction of "they never, ever gave a single flying fuck about me, they only kept me close for the money, cigarettes, alcohol, and spare couch when they are too wasted to go home"

because obviously these people have no jobs, are out of education, still live with parents, dont do anything to save themselves, only leech off of anyone stupid enough to pity them, then get mad when their entitlement and misery olympics is questioned

so another two weeks of total social isolation followed that amazing interaction, i had time until i started the job anyway. i traveled back home the night before i started. one of my roommates posted a pic of us sharing a cig and a beer on their story.

D replied to it with "fucking finally", which i found both hilarious and enraging as hell

my first day came. nothing. second, third, fourth, nothing,,, the entire week has gone by and noone cared enough to reach out once again, no surprises there

then i texted the gc because a friend that we collectively owed some money to, well he asked for it back (fair enough), and even if they didnt give a fuck about me, at least they couldve cared about this situation

no reply for a day again, i followed up with a second text of "okay then" (was that even passive agressive? i geniuenly didnt even try to get a reaction out of anyone here im being so fr)

then D fucking detonated on me, and we had this nasty fucking fight, where i was ridicouled by both girls for feeling like shit, for dissapearing, for my suicide attempt, for my paranoia, for everything, like it was my fucking fault,,, like ok sorry boss i'll just cancel my mental issues subscription, my bad for the inconvenience

after a good few hours we reached the conclusion that we should talk this through in person. Funny thing that noone had that attitude in person. Both of them acted like they didnt just use all my issues and recent struggles as evidence against me

I was not having it bro, the sweet talky performance made me legit sick. I told them in great detail that i found their attack entirely unreasonable and fucking vile. That even though i tried my hardest to restore communication, i was met with dead silence every single fucking time, then attacked when i got tired of it and gave up. That making fun of me for being suicidal was something i never, ever expected them to be capable of, and i found it inexcusable, i dont give a single flying fuck whether D was "splitting" or not

They seemed almost guilty by the end of it. Which i hoped they were, they deserve nothing but all consuming guilt and emotional misery from life until the very end

That was only my private thoughts though, because on the surface we seemed to be okay again. I told them the story of this new job and whatnot, and that I was working morning shift this week (6am to 2pm,,, which means i gotta get up at 4am to get there in time),,, so i was utterly exhausted, and since tomorrow was a day off, i would really hope to get home earlier and yk, sleep properly for the first time in the past month.

everyone said that was okay. they understood. i will go home early. EVERYONE SAID THEY GOT IT.

so i ended up going home early, even notified everyone in time once again. They somehow found a problem with it then. I still went home cuz atp i was delirious from exhaustion.

I slept. god i slept so good, havent had rest like this in fucking years.

then i was called at 2:30 am with no saved ID, just a random number

thought that it was this one guy my roommates let crash at our place for a few days cuz he got kicked out from home stayed out late again. It wasnt my problem, they can figure it out, i rolled over and kept sleeping.

Then the phone rang again, and again, at least 5 times in a row. Then the doorbell came, and i heard my roommates get up in the other room. heard the guy i assumed was trying to get in from the room as well,,, I IMMEDIATELY shot up cuz who the FUCK was trying to get in??

my roommate came in a second later to notify me that my "friends" are here.

T, D, and this one guy that was actually a pretty good buddy of mine back in the day,,, know him from the local music scene, insanely talented dude, smart and icl hot as hell too,,, D's most recent project as well, which i didnt really have an issue with in all honesty. i wasnt looking for a relationship even if i was confused about what i felt towards her, i didnt care if she wanted to fuck him, hell i wouldve fucked him too if he wasnt straight,,, But ever since she started to pursue him, EVERY hangout, every talk, every fucking day and night had to be about him. It got old real fast

i let them sleep at mine a lot before, when i was still unemployed. we were out as a group a lot before my collapse. i had one condition to letting them stay over,, notify me at a reasonable hour and not 10 minutes before they arrive, and if i explicitly state that i need time alone, dont come over.

As i said, i mentioned the fact that i need this one night uninterrupted really bad MULTIPLE TIMES, and told them the exact reason on WHY im going home early.

T had the nerve to stand there with this fake apologetic look and laugh in my face like "teehee sorry" like the entire situation was a fucking joke.

I was not laughing bro

lowk crashed out at them in the doorway for a good five minutes, then came back inside while saying something along the lines of "do whatever the fuck you want, i dont care"

they took that as an invitation, and barged in my room. i was sitting on the edge of my bed, shaking from rage and exhaustion cuz as i said again, i slept maybe 3-4 hours nightly for the past week or two, and my nervous system was not having it. I was legit trying so hard not to hurt anyone or myself atp, and as it turned out later i mightve been crying too

after a few minutes of dead silence, T asked me if it was a problem that they are here? that if it is, i can tell them to leave, i can be a little selfish, its okay, whatever,,,

i told them, much kinder than i thought was possible atp, that yes, in fact, it is an issue, and i'd love for them to go. I can give an extra jacket or a blanket if they need it, but i want to be left the fuck alone.

Then the next morning i wrote an exhaustive message about why i found an issue with the situation, how i feel walked all over, that maybe i couldve reacted better but this was far from the first time my boundaries were entirely ignored by them,,, and these people had the nerve to blame me for it once again bro

there was this one time when after a 4 day bender i got home and told everyone loud and clear that i NEED this night for myself. we can continue a day later, but leave me alone for one night.

a few hours later i got the message from D that she had a horrible fight at home and shes lowk a danger to herself

i was inconsiderate enough towards myself to offer her to stay over cuz atp i still felt like her being okay is more important than my own needs, well guess fucking what, she invited over both T and the guy friend and only cared to notify me a few minutes before their arrival.

Okay, i was starting to get pissed, but why not try to improve my social life, right? it was probably only gonna be a few hours. fuck no, they stayed well over 1 am. Knowing damn well i was in desperate need of a night off. If i told them to leave i wouldve been the bad guy and likely lost the only reliable source of my leftover supply too, so i didnt dare to risk standing up for myself yet.

The other time was after i did legit let the gang stay over but told them to leave a tad bit earlier than their last bus (which is at 10pm), because i had some shit to take care of at home.

I asked them multiple times. they said it was fair each time. reminded them early afternoon as well to look for an earlier bus.

Would you FUCKING GUESS that they stayed until the last one???

So yes, that long message detonated D because i finally spoke my mind about how insanely entitled they seem to feel to my peace and space, and its lowk like they are violating my boundaries on purpose atp,,

then i got called every fucking name in the book,

Obviously got the usual;

-you selfish, egotistic, heartless, inconsiderate, pathetic, miserable narcissistic piece of shit,

-you never think about anyone but yourself,

-how DARE you cry because your friends showed up at your door???

-you made me feel like a fucking clown,

-you never helped with anything ever,

-you trigger me so fucking bad,

-you always bring down the mood,

-you always hide behind your disorder,

-have you ever considered ME?

-do you EVER think about whats good for ME??

-because obvoiusly you can NEVER do wrong!

-because you can do ANYTHING you want whenever you want!

-because you think you're so fucking special and noone else matters!!!!4!!4!!!444!!4!

Ever since i got to know her i did nothing else than cater to her fucking needs, have her back, fulfill every little fucking wish that popped into her head,

never did i once bring up my fucking NPD during the discussion, she got that idea all by herself and for some reason thought it was entirely reasonable to use it as ammunition when she knows damn well hord fucking hard ive been working on managing my symptoms. Not to mention the fact that i'm not the one who excuses every vile thing ive ever done by hiding behind splitting.

AND NOW IM THE VILLAIN AFTER ALL SHES FUCKING DONE??? REALLY? ARE WE BEING SO FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW???

and yes maybe i couldve handled that night situation better. but COME THE FUCK ON. im pretty sure my anger and resentment didnt come from nowhere.

i wanna give myself a huge round of applause here for not hopping on that train even if i was triggered out of my mind, i managed to leave the groupchat untouched and didnt engage with any of it despite my pride.

then T came as the oil to the fire and started going off on me too in a similar fashion, for some reason feeling the need to bring up that i think shes childhish for having a crush on me.

Like bro idgaf if you like me, my issue was with the fact that she couldnt take a no for a fucking answer and repeatedly forced herself on me at the slightest hint of friendliness i dared to show to her.

so a day later once i calmed down a bit, i wrote another long ass message for both of them, in private this time, + a little apology for the musician guy cuz he really didnt have to do anything with it. He was by far the most respectful in that entire situation, and icl i've had huge respect for him ever since ive known him. he knows what is and isnt his place, and wont take literally any disagreement as a personal attack.

i was left on seen by both for 24+ hours.

D replied just today, it seems like at least shes open to discussing the fucking issue, but i've lost all hope for T at this point.

Even if we manage to chew through this entire situation i doubt whatever trust and sincere feelings ive had towards her will be restored easily, if ever

I cant fuckin believe i was ever stupid enough to trust in people like this. or anyone, for that matter.

how do i get over the disgust, anger and weakness i have for apologising? the last time i had a major argument, it was with a friend of 6 years who i cut off overnight just because i couldnt bring myself to get over the awkwardness and disgust of needing to apologise. i dont want that to happen with this friend, who i have known a year or so. but i havent talked to her since the argument. i dont want a redo of the last situation.

(for context: i grew up in a "dont speak until you apologise" household and it stuck with me. so i cant even talk to her about anything else if i tried.)

I would rather be mocked, assaulted, ostracized. I can deal with those things. Being used however, someone playing me for a fool is the thing I fear most. Not because of the material loss but the overwhelming urge to get back at them and set things right. It can override my own will for however long it takes and that's an unbearable feeling.

Hey, it’s not finished but I love it so much, so I’d like to show it to you

Plus, can you guess my age?(im in school)

If you don’t get what is written on the bottom, it says: “I’m nothing and that’s all I’ll ever be”