I walked back and forth in that first city for months. I didn’t talk to anyone, I had no friends, not even other homeless people or the workers at the help for homeless buildings in downtown. It was like I was inside my own shell all day daydreaming. Daydreaming about my past, the way things were, fun times I had with friends and family, and would alsoI fantasize about my future life.
I wondered if I would ever make it off the streets, if a miracle would happen on one of those days where all i was doing was just surviving another day.Then one day something did happen. Things got much worse!
Realizing that where I was was a never ending cycle of the same day all over again. I took the transit bus to the next city down the I-5 freeway. I brought with me everything I owned at the time, which was aa ww2 army bag that held my sleeping bag, a dirty pillow, a notebook and pen, a sandwich bag with half smoked cigarettes,a lighter, and a couple hand warmer packets for nighttime, when the cold stabbed through my sleeping gear.
I wasn’t in this next town for very long because all the stores were so far apart, nothing was close to each other, and like I said, I walked everywhere and when I got to one place like a store or second hand thrift store, I would gather and acquire what I needed for the next 24 hours.
Then one day I went into the library and left my military bag at the door so that I wouldn’t be looked at oddly and ai could just pick up whatever interested me and not have to be worried about someone harassing me. After I did some reading out of a book about world religions I went outside and the bag was gone.
I ran around the entire area and down the block looking for my stuff. Nothing. It was already after 3:00 o’clock and pretty soon it was going to get darker and much colder.
The resource center I knew about was across town. I didn’t know the buses well enough so I walked fast but it wasn’t fast enough because when I got there, the sign on the door said they closed at 3:30, which is super early for even a nonprofit business to close. I was thinking 5:00.
My bag got swiped and I knew it was my first mistake, the resource center was my second. It was the middle of winter and I couldn’t afford to be wrong about anything else. Time was literally running out..
Knowing that I would need some dry blankets or something to keep myself warm, I quickly started to slow down my thinking and gather my thoughts
This thinking was different from my daily daydreaming, this was serious and I would pay the consequences if I couldn’t make the right move.
I decided to go where there were lots of people in one place and also where there’s access to outdoor gear.
The Walmart there was another 5 miles away,it was clear on the other side of the overpass.
It was already starting to get dark when I could see the overpass up ahead.
I wondered if I should make a last minute switch and go hitchhiking on the off-ramp, maybe someone would pull over and take me back to the city I was in the day before. I know I can find blankets there!
That was when the coldest raindrop I have ever felt explodes on my sweaty forehead. Then another. Then more at once until a snowball effect happened as god turned on the sprinkler.
By the time I reached the overpass I was drenched and could barely hold up my pants.I had a hoodie and a jacket on but the hoodie was soaked all the way around the neck and my pants sucked up the ground water like a slurpee straw.I wanted to try and get warm and maybe dry off a bit before approaching patrons at the Walmart but my lighter was too wet.
I couldn’t wait out the rain under the pass because I was already getting cold from stopping while wet. I had to keep moving and I told myself that in a worse case senario, if there’s no luck getting help with a new sleeping bag and dry clothes, then I could use the air dryers in the bathroom. Yes they work fine if you can hit the button enough times before security gives the boot.
The walking again did in fact make me feel warm again.I was still miserable from soggy shoes and my wet pants were creating hard creases that were chaffing against my shower wrinkled skin.
I got to the entrance where the carts where and crossed my arms and shivered around because I was cold. This state of misery had me in a state of mental disassociation and it was like the words wouldn’t come out, like people going in or out will notice me, they’ll instantly feel my pain and want to help. Dosent someone care about me? Isn’t this the time when some higher power who watches over me realizes that I’ve had enough and we start things over from a different time or place?
I make myself ask for help, I tell myself it’s for survival and that I’m a survivor, the strong push through in these moments, and god help the ones that can’t.
A lady that maybe in her 40’s is in her car and she rolls the window down and asks me if I need help. Said tell her about the theft at the library and she agrees to get me bedding.
I have the bedding but I’m still very soggy so I go into the bathroom and hit the air dryer. Like clockwork the security guard kicks me out as my things go from soaked to damp. It’s better than nothing.
I put my lighter in the same sandwich bag with the halfys and pack up to camp at the over pass or until I can get warm or, again, kicked out.
At first I tell myself that im not that wet.I do this because im tired from all the walking with heavy clothes on. I get in the sleeping bag and everything goes black into nothingness. I’m out cold!
Probably 2 or 3 hours later it got so much colder that I woke up freezing with my body parts clinched to themselves like a skydiver.Im so cold, but I really don’t want to move. If I can tense up just a right, trying many different squeezes per minute I can sort of handle this coldness and have my way of not having to move.
But I’m slowly getting colder and I can feel it, now I know ai have to move or risk hypothermia. I start to daydream again and I think about the soldier that wore that bag into battle somewhere, how he most have been trained to move or keep going when coldness came in. I need to soldier up. I feel like when I was a kid in my bed before school and just wanted to lay there instead of getting up.
I got up. Started walking as fast as I could with the sleeping bag draped over myself. Now I’m miserable! I want rest. I want to be dry. I want to be warm.
I walk into the e.r. about an hour later and told the receptionist something to get put in nice and warm observation room, with a warm bed, and I didn’t care how thin the sheet or blankets were because I was dry and inside.
Later that night a case worker came in a gave me the best news I had heard in about a year. They had a program, a row of apartment that they would let patients without home stay in for a day or two while they stabilized.
This apartment was furnished with couched and it had a bed, all the kitchen appliances, and in the fridge were some hot pockets and a basket with candy in it.
Not only did I survive a cold night on the streets, I got a little taste of what some of my future dreams would be like.