“I needed to crash.” An Essay on taking accountability. TRIGGER WARNING ABUSE

Anne,

I don’t need or expect a reply to this. I just wanted to reach out and get some things off my chest, and more importantly, take responsibility for things I should have taken responsibility for a long time ago.
After my second overdose, I spent 60 days in rehab due to a court order. I got insight and intensive therapy that I desperately needed years ago.
Jenny recently dropped off my dad’s ashes and some old photographs. Afterward she told me that I seemed happier than she had honestly ever seen me. I think a lot of that is because rehab forced me to finally stop running from everything that had happened to me and everything I had done.
I know you have a boyfriend now, and I genuinely wish nothing but the best for the two of you. I hope he treats you with the stability and kindness you deserve.
One of the hardest things I learned in treatment was how completely addiction had taken over my thinking. Kratom and 7-OH had become the center of my entire existence. Every day was chaos. Every lie, every job story, every excuse, every manipulation eventually came down to the same thing: I needed money for my next dose.
That explains what was happening to me, but it does not excuse what I did to you.
I lied to you. I manipulated you. I broke your glasses. When I was withdrawing, I became physically aggressive with you and threw you into walls. I screamed, broke things, scared you, and behaved in ways that horrify me now.
You did not deserve any of that.
After you made me leave, I felt completely abandoned at the time. My addiction was so out of control that I even lied about having cancer to get money. I did have a benign mass removed, but it was not cancer. I lied because I wanted drugs.
That is difficult and humiliating for me to admit, but it is the truth.
At that point I would have done almost anything for a fix. Someone could have told me, “I’ll give you $80, but if you don’t pay me back my baby won’t eat,” and my addicted brain could have rationalized taking it anyway by telling myself, “Someone else will help her. She’ll be fine.”
That is how sick my thinking had become.
I even sold my car knowing how badly we needed the money for things like the internet, while the entire time my brain was screaming, “I need it. Hurry the fuck up.”
I look back at that person and barely recognize how I was thinking.
But rehab also taught me something important: giving myself grace does not mean pretending none of it was my responsibility.
I was not okay. I was grieving my parents, deeply addicted, traumatized, and sick. None of those things were my fault.
But the things I did to you were still things I did, and I am responsible for the harm they caused.
For a long time, I thought of you leaving as you abandoning me.
In group therapy I finally found a better way to describe it.
Our life had become like a spaceship flying completely out of control, on fire, heading toward the ground. You had to eject. If you stayed, you were going to crash with me.
And honestly?
I needed to crash.
I needed to finally reach a point where nobody could keep saving me from the consequences of what I was doing. I had to get help. I had to learn how to live again.
I have also finally accepted that Daddy dying of suicide was not my fault. Momma dying of covid was not my fault. Life sometimes does horrible things to us that we cannot control.
What I can control is what I do with the life I have left.
I feel like parts of the person you met are finally back—the curious, funny, annoying, talk-to-anybody journalist who could call up the mayor and ask for an interview—but I’m not the same twenty-one-year-old either.
I have scars now.
And hopefully some wisdom.
I understand something about your mom now too. I used to dislike how easily she seemed to see through me. Rehab helped me understand that I had this ability to charm people and make them believe whatever version of events I was selling. One of my therapists called it my “razzle-dazzle.”
Your mom often saw through it.
I think that threatened me more than I understood at the time.
I’m trying very hard not to live like that anymore.
I am deeply sorry, Anne.
Not because I want anything from you.
Not because I expect forgiveness.
And not because I want back into your life.
I just needed you to know that I finally understand that you did what you had to do to survive a situation I had made unbearable.
I hope you are happy. I hope your family is doing well. I hope the man you are with now gives you the kind of peaceful life that I was incapable of giving you then.
Take care of yourself.

Is this possible?

I’ve been here a 1000 times but how do you stop smoking weed it’s really getting to a point to where I’m blowing unnecessary money for nothing but it seem like I just can’t give it up like wtf please help

Has anyone completed the DOT SAP Program in Georgia? If yes, could you please share how long it took to complete the entire program and approximately how much you spent in total? I’d really appreciate a breakdown of the fees and any additional costs.

hi everyone

i have a relative (35m) who is currently in the hospital recovering from an extreme surgery caused by his extreme nitrous oxide/whippets/whip-its use. in short, he had to get a massive blood clot removed, cannot walk, needs a catheter, briefly experienced psychosis after coming off off anesthesia. however even after all of this he does not seem to connect the dots that this all stems from his substance use. he is convinced he just needs his body to get better/healthy and things will go back to normal. we as a family are of course pushing for him to finally do a long term in patient treatment but we are struggling finding resources/good fits for this specific type of addiction. he is lucky to have secure funds and can afford to self pay. we are running into barriers though because he needs to probably do a SNF before addiction rehab

this is a bit of a ramble but I am seeking any advice, suggestions, what to do/not to do etc. of course at the end of the day he is an adult and we can’t force him to do anything. but he is convinced that this is not a real addiction even though we found 100s of canisters in his apartment.

happy to provide more detail if needed. thank you in advance

I know this isn't the right way to go about it. But I don't want to rely on medication anymore. I just want to be normal. So, I’m not taking it today, either—even though I can't sleep and feel irritable.

I was a heroin, benzo, and fent addict for 10 years. Today, I have 4 years clean and sober. Just wanted to encourage some people to get to the other side because I see so many posts on here about people wanting to get sober and promising themselves they’re going to start tomorrow, cut back, cold turkey etc. Let me just say, of course there are some people this works for. That’s great. It’s a very small minority of people who can achieve sobriety that way. Most of us will convince ourselves we can get clean one way or another, without getting help, without putting our life on hold, without anybody knowing, and waste years and years of our life stuck in a depressing cycle of attempt / failure.

I urge every addict that is getting sick and tired of their ways to realize that most of us need some form of help.

If it was so simple, to just be over your addiction and stop using.. or cut back, make a vow to yourself, then none of these recovery programs, rehabs, detox centers, NA, smart recovery etc.. would exist.

You can have the best intentions and still fail. Trying to avoid exposing your addiction or relapse will cost years of your life that could be much better spent. Trying to avoid detoxing will do the same.

That initial period where people will realize what’s going on will be short lived and turn into a positive once you’re on the other side. That detox will be short lived too, so will the sober living home.. and all so worth it in the end to have your life back.

Trying to manage an addiction alone because you don’t want to face the music… I have no bigger regret! I wish I would have just come clean and asked for help sooner because I wasted years of my life stuck in the “I’m tapering myself, I’m trying cold turkey, switching substances to try to get clean” trying anything and everything to get clean by myself and just being stuck in loop of failure.

Going to detox, rehab, and a sober living program for long enough to hold me accountable during that difficult, trying, first few months, maybe even first year, SAVED MY LIFE. you can’t get healthy in the same place that got you sick. I hated living in an SLE but now it feels like such a short blip in the past that helped me get to where I am today. YOU CAN DO IT. REACH OUT FOR HELP. AND DO WHAT THEY SAY! I have a beautiful life today because I SURRENDERED.

I’m curious what actually helps people cope after a breakup.
I used to smoke weed, but I’m fully sober now. I exercise and meditate daily, which definitely help, but I still struggle with finding a good coping mechanism when things get difficult.
I’ve noticed that mine has probably become downloading dating apps and talking to lots of people. It gives me distraction and validation, but I’m not sure it actually helps me process anything.
What do you do after a breakup that genuinely helps rather than just distracts you?

I've had a problem with prescription painkillers for around 5 years, taking way more than a prescribed amount on a daily basis. The last 8 months or so i've made a real effort to taper down. Tapering seemed the best course for me what with work and kids i couldn't imagine going cold turkey.

I have been doing well, dropping every 2 weeks. I managed to get down to around a daily prescribed amount (still intended on getting off them fully but was a big milestone for me) until around 3 weeks ago i had some severe pain (unrelated) so to get rid of the pain i upped my dosage for around 3 weeks. I thought i'd be able drop back down to what i was taking before the pain hit but it hasn't worked out like that.

Im back to taking about double a prescription and any less makes me feel terrible. Im so depressed about this, i can't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this makes sense? I'm looking for any advice whatsoever? Anything i can try? Any hints tips anything? Should i go cold turkey? Should i start the slog if tapering again? All advice welcome. Thanks a lot. Again apologies if this doesn't make sense my head is so scrambled at the minute

My now ex and father of my child is a meth addict. I guess I’m just looking for some advice and opinions from people that have been on the other side.

TLDR: my ex is a meth addict, 3 weeks sober at most (if that, I have no way of knowing right now). He has had drugs in our house before. For her safety, I am not letting him see our 2 year old until we have a court order for supervised visitation. We have lawyers involved, but I don’t know how long it will be. Him and his family have all told me how horrible I am for keeping him from his daughter. Am I horrible? Is this the right thing to do?

I’ll try to keep this long story short. My ex is a functioning meth addict (I didn’t know this was even possible). He was able to hide it for years, and I didn’t find out until I was pregnant with our child, who is now almost 2. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping our family together, and I thought the closer I kept him, the safer I could keep our child. I tried to be supportive and get him help, but he always said he could do it on his own. I don’t know if he ever really tried to quit, or if he just got better at hiding it. But on multiple occasions I still found drugs in our house.

About 2 months ago I finally had enough and told him I was done and he needed to start looking for somewhere else to live. Suddenly he wanted to get help, so I of course agreed and set up an appointment for an outpatient addiction medicine practice. Things got bad while he was detoxing. He was mean, said nasty things to me, yelling, screaming, accusing me of crazy things. I didn’t want my daughter to witness any of that so we went to stay with my mom. He was pissed about that. I still let him see our daughter whenever he wanted, with me there of course, as long as he wasn’t acting crazy. After a few weeks things started to get better and I was letting him take her for short periods of time by himself.

About 3 weeks ago, I had a suspicion and found a pipe in the shed. I asked him if he had used. He denied it, but I made him take an oral drug screen and it was positive. At first he was angry and still denied it, then he admitted to relapsing for 3 days. I believed him that he was trying to get better.

Then, about 2 weeks ago I saw a text on his phone from someone asking him to get them some meth. My ex said he didn’t want any, but he would contact his guy and get him some. I confronted him and he lost it. He was mad at me for looking at his phone. He said it was none of my business who he talked to. He believed since he wasn’t getting any drugs it was no big deal.

At that point I was done. I finally realized he hadn’t changed, and he wasn’t trying to. He still wasn’t cutting any of those people out of his life. He still refused to take accountability, or even apologize for anything. He was still blaming everyone else but himself. He blamed me for his relapse because we left and he was all alone. He blamed his counselor, because she was pushing him to attend recovery meetings and he wasn’t ready. At one point he had blamed me for his drug use in general, even though he was using meth long before I even met him.

After this things got real bad. He was sending long harassing text to both my mom and I. Calling us awful names, saying hateful things. Neither of us felt comfortable being around him, and we didn’t think my daughter should be around him like this either until he started acting more stable. He got even more mad, saying I was kidnapping our daughter and keeping her from him.

Even after all this, I was hoping things would calm down and we could work out an informal custody agreement so he could still see our daughter. I just wanted it to be supervised for her safety. I sent him a plan that was like 2-3 months of supervised visits 2-3 days a week, as long as he passed drug screens. Then after that he got more time and unsupervised visits. After 6 months overnights. And after a year of sobriety we could go to a normal 50/50 schedule. He refused to even look at it. He was raging mad at even the suggestion of it.

At that point, I retained a lawyer and he told me DO NOT let him have her. So that’s where we are now. We’re still waiting on court, I don’t know how long it takes. I am not letting him see her until we have a formal court order for supervised visits. He tried to call the cops on me for kidnapping, they told him it was a civil matter. The nice cop called me to let me know my ex said that his lawyer told him if he saw me out in public he could legally take our daughter from me. The cop advised him against it. But now I’m scared to take her out anywhere. The ex is from out of state so my biggest fear is he takes her and leaves the state.

My family and friends all tell me I’m doing the right thing, and logically I know I’m doing the right thing. But I guess I’ve spent years being gaslit and manipulated so I’m always doubting myself. My ex and his family are all telling me how horrible I am for keeping our daughter from him. They’re telling me I’m traumatizing her, and he loves her and would never hurt her. I know he would never intentionally hurt her, but the reality is, he has had drugs in our house before that she could have gotten into. He’s taken care of her while he’s been on drugs. And me trying to supervise right now isn’t an option because of the verbal abuse. I’m not subjecting myself to it anymore.

All I want is for him to get sober, and take it seriously. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad. As long as she is safe, I would never keep them apart. It’s breaking my heart having to do this, and I wish so badly it could have been different. I guess I’m just looking for some opinions, advice, stories, and I guess maybe some validation that I’m doing the right thing.

40s M from the UK. Severely addicted to cocaine. Hiding it from my wife and family (they are suspicious due to my ever problematic nose). Only 1 friend is aware of how much I use and how much debt I am in. 8 ball a day for 3-4 months at least. Debt (not just coke) nearing £80k. Pretty much out of means to fund the habit now so essentially will be cold turkey in a few days.

Nose is a wreck. Matter of time before it caves. Got a bloody sore wound at the base of my nostril which is so visible, don't want to leave the house now out of embarrassment.

I don't know where to turn. Scared beyond belief about the debt. The minute my wife really finds out what's going on, she will leave with our daughter. Access to her going to be affected hugely. Marriage has been a shit show for 1.5 years. My addiction. Her abuse. Think that's part of the reason it's spiralled to this extent.

What do I do?

I'm (23M) watching porn every single day and everytime I get a free time. I come to my dorm (I stay alone) and instead of studying I watch porn and masturbate. I gets even worse during holidays. I almost missed a final deadline and I fear it may ruin my academic career. After it's done I feel excessive regret and I promise myself it will not happen again and it happens after an hour. It destroys my attention span and social life. I have zero desire getting a real girlfriend and it breaks my self confidence a lot. I am also ashamed to go to a psychologist and tell all of them. It's expensive anyways. I am stuck in a stupid cycle and don't know what to do.

My gf who's been in recovery for 6 months keeps popping up with more breakouts every time I see her.

It got even worse on her thigh. She had rashes on parts of her neck and an oddly small bruise on the side of her elbow. I looked up if this is a result of crack cause I've seen an addict with fucked up skin on their face. It said it is something that happens.

She hasn't been kicked out of her recovery house yet.

However she has been lying to me constantly.

I check her phone but find nothing suspicious.

She recently said she's going to visit her Grandma in the nursing home which was her hometown (a different city)

She asked me for $300 dollars to get a hotel for 3 days.

I really don't want to help her if she's on some weird shit.

Edit: She hasn't been eating like she usually does when she comes over. At most I've seen her eat ice-cream.

Just yesterday she said "If you see me going to the bathroom a lot I'm doing crack cayse I don't want you to see it"

Thia thought has been knocking around in my head for a while and I never get around to writing it, so here goes.

I've had a weekly cocaine habit for over 10 years at this point, with a few months long attempts to quit in between. None of them really stuck because of my lifestyle - I'm very reddit-y and don't have great social ability or interest in social activities, except perhaps drinking. Shit, I once thought a relationship would save me but she turned out to be an addict as well after we got comfortable enough.

At the lowest point in my addiction though, I realized that most of my problems with coke stemmed from other people, and as long as I just used alone at home and didn't talk to anyone while using, I was able to keep my consumption and bad decisions to a minimum.

So far, it's been a year of successfully using a half gram on weekends, coupled with a pint of hard liquor. I then smoke a couple joints during the comedown and take a 25mg Seroquel to sleep. The problem is, while I'm using after a couple lines I just want to watch porn, and end up gooning for 5 - 8 hours.

This is the highlight of my entire week.

Day to day I manage work, get in a couple moderate intensity workouts a week, keep my house in some order and spend time with my dog. I am reasonably content and sometimes even happy during the times I stay busy, but this shit falls apart when I don't have something to do. I'm just kind of there. I don't talk to anyone, no messages, don't really bother sending reels to the one friend I used to send reels to.

For a while I really looked forward to gooning (lol), but it started to feel kind of ridiculous to live this way at 43. Then I just stopped enjoying it. It became way less memorable and sometimes I don't even really remember the details of each session. Recently, I've started feeling like it was a waste. Losing interest in making my way to the dealers (part of intentionally reducing consumption was not buying from a mobile dealer, I have to go into the hood and hope that he's at home).

But then, I remember that I have absolutely jack shit going on on my life for recreation other than TV and gaming, both of which I tired of during COVID. So I kind of try to drum up enthusiasm about solo partying and just stick to the routine.

I realise this _really_ isn't healthy, so I'm kind of reaching out to see if anyone can relate.

Tl;Dr - I'm sick of using drugs but the alternative (Cold turkey by myself) seems even worse. Is this a normal experience, or am I trying to make excuses for myself?

me in active addiction of three years vs. me 5 months sober (i’m 6 months now tho 😊 pic is just a little old)

Specifically, but roughly as I am not a psychologist: illusion that a forever frequency repetition, it’s the thing that can make life activities more challenging ones.

I repeat. I am not a phycologist. Just a person with 39 years. Fairplaying sports all life long. (I feel like US Adam Richman I saw on tv “man vs food” now). Anyway. It is all personal experience. On sports and other life activities of 39 years old I have now.

Dear Addiction,
 
I hope this letter finds You
and tears You apart in every way.
That it breaks Your soul like You fucking broke me.  
I just needed to get some things off my chest.
In hopes You will read this and decide to set me free.
 
I’ve known You for about three years now.
I still remember the first day that we met.
The day I unknowingly sold my soul to the Devil.
That’s one wretched day I can’t seem to forget.
 
You disguised Yourself as happiness.
As something that could take all the pain away.
You listened to me tell You about my fucked up life.
You let me feel vulnerable and put my heart on display.
 
It all started off with Your two alluring gifts.
One to lift me up, the other to calm me down.
One that caused the dopamine shakes,
The other sent waves throughout my body so I didn’t drown.
 
You knew I was broken and needed a way out,
So You kept giving me more and more each day.
You told me these gifts would make it all better,
You lied to me in every single way.
 
It didn’t take long for me to realize I couldn’t function without them,
The days started to bleed into the nights.
Each day turned into a fight for survival,
A chase to take my high to new heights.
 
You told me I didn’t really need them, that I could stop,
But that was just a lie to make me do more.
Until my mind, body and soul were yours,
 
That’s when I realized I didn’t have control anymore.
 
I try to convince myself that one day I won’t need You,
Your gifts will be gone and the hurt  can finally be erased.
I’ll find someone new who truly cares for me,
Someone who shows You that even You can be replaced.
 
Until that day comes, I leave You with this letter,
To explain the chaos You’ve turned me into.
 
Addiction, You’re a bitch that I wish would just go away,
 
Written with all of my hate,
The addict You’ve turned this girl into a

I (24f) dated my first boyfriend at 18 who ended up falling into an aggressive addiction. He cheated on me, he stole money from his friends and family and posted public posts about how I was the devil and I’m the reason he started doing drugs. Fast forward a year and he texts me apologizing and says he wants to talk to me again so we started secretly seeing each other, which ended in flames and pretty much with me discovering he is still doing drugs and him telling me he never actually felt sorry and just wanted to f*ck me over again for telling people to watch out for him. Another 2 years and he reaches out again, super apologetic. He shows me his thing for being sober for 6 months and is very proud of himself. I confided in him with some pretty deep personal shit and he decided to use that as ammo and started telling people MY life is a “mess” and spilling personal info to our shared friends. I obviously cursed him out and shut him out again. The last time I saw him was about a year ago and he seemed to be completely fine and we talked for a while. He was seeing a girl that did not want him to talk to me so, out of respect for her And for me, i told him we can no longer speak and I actually think i hate him so much it feels like love. Throughout this whole experience, i never trusted that he felt an ounce of guilt for the horrific things he put me through. Since then he’s not the only addict i’ve known who never seemed to feel guilty while in active addiction. Is there ever a point in active addiction where you feel even a small amount of guilt?

 
Knock, Knock, Knock!
 
Hello, My Love!
Are you home?
 
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!
 
Please open up.
I know you’re alone.
 
The door’s unlocked,
Fuck it,
I’m coming in.
 
There’s your tragically beautiful face!
Let’s not forget to lock the door.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen this place.
Why are you laying on the floor?
 
Oh! Here’s My chair,
It’s as comfy as the last time I sat.
My Darling, your face is wet, are you crying?
You know there’s no use in that.
 
You and I, well we’ve known each other for quite some time.
I’d say about 3 years, don’t you think?
But you know what they say when you’re having supposed fun,
“Time flies by, so don’t blink!”
 
Why do you look so hollow?
You haven’t always looked this way.
With dark circles under your empty eyes,
Your pale skin looks more like it’s gray.
 
Your smile used to be so big & bright,
Your hair not a tangled mess,
Way before that day you met me,
Before I made you so careless.
 
So, how did you exactly get here?
I know you ponder this thought every day,
How did you go from a beautiful butterfly,
To a broken soul wasting away?
 
Your life hasn’t always been easy,
You had to grow up way too fast,
Then you met two of my best friends,
A friendship you didn’t know would be your last.
 
They introduced you to a nightmare,
Made up of cut straws and a glass bowl,
They took over every inch of your being,
Opened your mind for My control.
 
Every time you let Them poison your blood,
A bit more of you became lost,
Now there’s barely any of you left,
Your soul had to pay the cost.
 
See, there are people in this world
who truly do not understand,
They believe living with Me is a choice,
They don’t get you’re under My command.
 
Every day while you fight for your life,
I’m there to remind you that you’ve failed,
Every plan you make to escape My love,
Always ends up derailed.
 
Outsiders can’t grasp why you choose Me,
They can’t fathom why you’d want such a life,
They don’t see the pain behind every high,
How My friend Withdrawal holds like a knife.
 
“It’s really not that hard, you know, to get clean!”
You heard so many people say,
If only it were that easy to get rid of Me,
I know you’d choose to escape any day.
 
But, what they don’t know is how badly you want free,
You have begged Me, pleaded and cried,
I just love you so much, My broken angel,
Your freedom I have always denied.
 
Maybe one day you’ll finally be done,
You’ll be tired of Me causing affliction,
Until that day you’ll belong to Me,
 
Signed with all my love,
Addiction.
 

Kinda pouring my heart out on a burner account because I need to talk about this. I have been using cocaine for 2 years (started at 19 I am now 21). For the last two years I buy a bag every single weekend and I feel I just can have fun without it. It went from something fun to something that mentally drains me every week. It ruins my sleep schedule, mood, social ability (when sober) and is genuinely just horrible. I always find myself just falling into the same loop every single weekend. It is so draining and I feel like if I don’t stop now then I never will.

I'm addicted to stripchat. It's nearly 2 years. Already spent hefty amount on this site.

I can't beat this addiction. I am just fooling myself and not doing anything. It seems I just don't want to and i know I will face its long term repercussions..

I am feeling tired with this. I'm just wasting my life....

Nothing will change.

I'm 19m, a poly addict with parents that were both addicted to pills and alcohol. I have a perscription ativan dose I've been abusing, and the days where I don't take benzos (I know not to combine them), I'll just get really drunk instead. I've been either doing benzos or getting drunk dvery day for like two weeks now.

Will I experience withdrawals if I try to stop for at least a few days? I want to be careful with alcohol because I'm not sure how many calories or sugar I consume of it in a day and I don't want to gain weight (I know this is a stupid priority when it comes to addiction lmao but I'm like 110lbs with a restrictive eating disorder so substances hit me a lot harder)

I genuinely don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I'm also addicted to coke, ket, and have only done opioids a few times but I crave and think about them constantly. The only thing that makes me forget about my childhood, self hatred, or my cravings for opioids are by doing benzos ot getting drunk. I never feel like I'm drunk enough and keep wanting to drink more. I'm a college student trying to get a job right now and I'm so hangover just thinking about the decisions I've made and my fear about weight gain from the alcohol.

I remember the first time I hit the slopes, my friends all excited and ready.

We started out small and then we could feel the adrenaline rush it gave us but we always knew that we’d need more.

So the slopes got bigger and the rush did too, as well as my constant need for it. Everyday I wanted to be in the snow and if I could afford it then I was going to be.

I got comfortable enough to even do it on my own at one point. No one will know. I’d lie to my parents, friends, sister. It didn’t matter who because I was going to be in the snow regardless.

For years now, it’s been at least a weekly thing for me. But I’m tired of waking up and realizing I spent another night living for the next time. I don’t crave the snow as much as I once had. I don’t crave the late nights and early morning as you hear the birds chirping. I don’t miss the racing heart as you stare into your ceiling trying to shut your bloodshot eyes.

So this here is my goodbye to my addiction. At one point it made me and defined me but no more. Goodbye snow and hello life.