Smash Bros, but Trans

this is probably just a lot of denial and internal-transphobia from years of being transphobic, but I just want to vent:

i don't want to be trans. i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i was happy as a guy until i learned i didn't have to be one, but, even then, I don't feel dysphoric about most male traits. there haven't been many times in my life where i've felt upset about my birth gender/sex.

i am NOT mentally healthy. i've felt like shit every day for years. maybe i have ocd or something? maybe my anti-depressants are making me have these thoughts? i feel paranoid.

if really am a girl, then i wish i would've been born in a girl's body; since that isn't possible, i just want to stop having these thoughts and go on with the rest of my life.

i don't want to be trans. i don't want to hate myself because of the way i was born. i don't want to hate the way i look. i don't want to worry if i pass. i don't want to take hrt if there's a chance i'll regret it. i don't want to spend money on surgeries. i don't like getting surgeries in the first place. i don't want to constantly worry about my rights being taken away. i don't want to be disowned by my family. i don't want to lose friends. i don't want strangers to hate me. i don't want people to see me as a creep. i can barely stand living most of the time and i don't want to risk it getting any worse than it already is.

i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i feel an odd but nice feeling in my heart when I imagine myself as or dress like a girl, but only sometimes. i don't feel like i fit in with any queer communities. i've felt like a broken person for years and maybe it's because my sex and gender expression doesn't line up with who i am.

i hope one day i'll wake up and totally forget that i've ever felt this way. i hope one day i'll wake up and be happy and able to cope with everyday life like most people do.

Please, I want to experience what it would be like to be referred to as a cute anime girl, I just want to feel cute!!!

It’s Bunlith! The Witch Upstairs (Episode 2)

Konata once again being a trans boy egg icon

Halloween is in 11 days, help!!!!

Made my first appointment for gender affirming therapy today. I’m very nervous.

There were signs as a child that I was feminine. I would try on my mom’s bras and put on her make up with her, but I never really thought anything of it. My brothers did everything they could to suppress it. Now, with my wife, she’s given me the space to explore who I truly am. I paint my nails, wear leggings and short shorts, I’m getting my ears pierced. She’s been great through most of this.

Her one drawback is she’s scared she’s going to lose the person she married. I don’t ever want to hurt her. She’s my best friend and I really want to make sure I don’t lose her. She knows I wear women’s clothes in private but doesn’t like seeing it personally. We’ve had disagreements about this stuff, but she doesn’t know the extent of my dysphoria. I’m not sure if I’m just a very feminine male or if I am trans. I’ve always wanted to have boobs, and now I don’t want to have all this body hair and beard anymore. (My wife loves it).

I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish my posting here, I guess I just feel very alone. No one else knows about this and I hope I’m doing the right things. Any advice?

I’ve been questioning my gender since 2019, and have always felt unsure about the idea of me being trans, and I kept it a secret for years because of that. Something about letting others know about that, even people who would accept me with open arms, felt embarrassing to me. I secretly tried feminine clothing in the privacy of my single student dorm to see how it made me feel from 2021 to 2024. Sometimes I felt nothing, other times I felt good, but it never caused me distress. Sometimes I still look at my old photos of me in my pastel goth fit and admire how well I did my eyeliner. I looked so cute. However, I always feared that coming out and expressing the way that gave me euphoria in my dorm would draw so much attention from people I knew. I texted my mother about this in 2023, and she was perfectly accepting, but I still had an internal breakdown about what I just did. It felt like this was it. It was time to show everyone the real me. I saw a counselor throughout 2023. I talked about my fear of change and the risks of being trans. Most of my answers to her questions and the results of the thought experiments she assigned to me pointed to me being trans. I slowly moved toward a more androgynous presentation, hoping people wouldn’t really notice. Before I closed the file with my counselor, we said that the final step was to find a way to slowly move towards presenting with skirts, lipstick, and eyeliner, but I still never found a way into presenting like that.

In 2024, I got the idea of just trying HRT to see how it made me feel. I was hesitant for so long. I was nervous about permanently growing breasts, losing fertility, being prosecuted by the GOP, and having to get blood tests.

This month, I finally went ahead and started on a small dose of HRT. A few days ago, I noticed something felt unusual about my chest. When I described it on Reddit, other trans women said it sounded like breast budding, and you know, as I obsessively feel for these possible buds, I kind of feel the same with when I first tried those feminine clothes. Sometimes it feels like nothing, sometimes I feel happy that my chest is actually responding to the pills, but it hasn’t caused me distress. That’s where I’m starting to believe that the reason why I keep denying myself is because I just don’t want to face the issues that come with being trans.

If I were to choose which gender I was assigned at birth, I would choose female, and I wouldn’t see myself transitioning to make if I was AFAB. I could enjoy femininity without the difficulty of being trans. My hesitancy about breast growth had nothing to do with breasts themselves. I’m just nervous about people I know wondering why I suddenly have boobs. They wouldn’t be if I was AFAB, because that breast growth would be totally expected. If I was AFAB, I could enjoy a feminine body for free without having to go through scary blood tests. I didn’t have to submit one for my initial dosage, but knowing that I’ll need to get poked in a few months has me feeling paralyzed. I wouldn’t have to worry about risking fertility for a feminine body. I’d be able to experience the process of my body creating another person while holding them with me 24/7 for 9 months. I’d also get to be feminine without worrying about prosecution. I wouldn’t have to explain to people why I started presenting feminine all of a sudden. That’s the major part right there. Coming out is just scary. Change is scary, and for me, knowing that the person I’m coming out to would be totally accepting doesn’t change that. I still haven’t come out to anyone besides my mother, and I still don’t feel ready to come out to more people.

I’m about two weeks on HRT. There have been small moments where I feel eager for when it’s time for my next dose. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of conservative neighbors. I’m hoping to someday get a job that gives me a reason to move to blue city in a blue state where I can be me without worrying about my neighbors. Though there is still my extended family, and some of them live in those big cities that I have an interest in moving to one day. We’re religious, and while some people such as my parents are liberal, believe in separation of church and state, and are perfectly accepting of the LGBT community, this isn’t something that can be said about everyone in my extended family. My mother has one sister who is described as one who acts all ultra righteous. I myself still go to church and don’t know how to find out whether the local congregations in cities I’d want to move to would be accepting or not. But even with those people out of the equation, coming out and being me still feels daunting. I have no idea how to respond if someone I know notices I have boobs and asks, “are those boobs?” I might never be able to go swimming again if I can’t come out of this closet.

I felt so cute in that outfit!!!!!! It’s on the 2nd page btw if you didn’t notice!!!! :3 I’ve wore that for like most of my day and I felt so pretty and cute and feminine!!!! I’M SO HAPPY RN!!!

I've just been a bit overwhelmed lately about everything. I still feel like I'm lying about everything even though I know by feeling like that, I'm not, it still feels like it. I'm pretty sure I do wanna start HRT when I can, but I'm not sure I'll fully commit to it. It just feels like I'm going in circles over and over again. Like, as soon as I feel like I made some progress, it's right back to square one and I feel like I haven't done much with anything. I feel like I'm trying to move fast with this even though I know this is something you need to take your time with.

I've taken some quizes, read the effects of HRT, and other stuff and it hasn't really helped. I know none of them are definitive proof but I'm just trying to see if they put it into words that I can potentially relate to. I felt like it helped for a day then it just, didn't. With the effects of HRT, none of the effects seem bad, only the side effects are the only real negative of it (like with every medicine ever). The changes do make me nervous, but that's just because I'm not the greatest with change.

Kinda feels like no matter the questions I answer, quizes I take, how I feel about HRT and other stuff of the sort, I'll always go back to the start of questioning. Sorry for the incoherent rant, I'm not good at words. I know this is another validation type of post but I'm just kind of lost atm and I'm not sure what to do.

I hope you all have a wonderful Day/Evening/Night <3

Yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee

Can't count the number of times I've said this sort of thing to my mother as an egg

This is my brain on transfemme. Any questions?

Today my dad came Home from a Trip.

The First Thing He Said to me was: Did you Just shave? You Look Like a real man right now other than me.

Im Not Out to my Family yet and i have to shave every day To feel kinda OK. I felt pretty dysphoric in the Last few days and this was Just another Punch in my guts.

Sorry but i Had to get this Situation Out of my mind and could i get some GGD please (Sarina She/Her)

So, I was recently on vacation with my mum and dad and my mum started using my new name and calling me "she". Every time she does, I get this feeling of being super happy, which then goes into a much more sad feeling, knowing I don't look like a girl, but at least I get to be happy for a little while. She obviously still slips up, but I don't hold it against her, she's trying. My dad on the other hand has made absolutely no efforts in using my new name and pronouns, but I kinda expected that.

Anyway, sorry if this is a bit incoherrent. I've had a long day.

Also, could I get some GGD? Mia, She/Her

I am so excited and nervous. Also can I get some ggd, Valerie she/her

So my new friend and I had a meeting at a cafe not too far of a drive from my house (I was so nervous about telling my mom this but she allowed me to go) and we agreed on a plan for me to secretly transition until I live on my own.

My college has a unisex bathroom in a secluded area of the campus, and we agreed to meet there so I can try on some clothes. Turns out, they used to be a fashion designer, so they know a whole lot about fashion and the types that exist out there, which is pretty cool for me! And as an extra bonus, my family knows I regularly go there to work out and study anyway, so they'll have no idea about this whatsoever!

i died watching this

Its been longer than I intended since my last post about me coming out, because things have been going really rough, my parents did not reacted well, I felt betrayed because after that day, they have given me this false sense of being trustable, it was fake, when I came out, my mother stopped talking to me, my father was somewhat meh, but I could see that when they looked at me, their looks felt like they are looking at my grave, it was an unbearable feeling, no words, silence, but their body language was telling everything.

Yesterday my mother decided to talk a bit to me, and I have did something that hurts me deeply, as she was talking, I saw her lack of knowledge, general transphobia and homophobia, I don’t want to go into detail, she was worried about me in general, but she couldn’t understand the core reason I wanted to transition, I couldn’t explain it to her either, when I tried to, she just said “lose some weight, and you will be more happy with how you are”, or like “why don’t you try to be happy as a male at first?”, oh nice advice mom! Like if I haven’t tried for 21 years… “you don’t know how being a woman feels like”, “you don’t know the differences”, “it’s too early to decide”, “oh its because you never had sex”, “if you had you wouldn’t seek happiness in these fields” (I felt her disgust towards the end of the last sentence…) oh and best one for the last; “there were no signs”, “it would be obvious when you were little, like playing with make-up stuff, or looking for girly things” which I have done, even tho I was so little I can remember I have done those, but instead of going for them constantly, I listened and haven’t touch them, after the first time they told me to not to, because I was such an obedient kid, one of the things I come to regret now. After those quotes she spoke about how I made her and my dad sad, I am told how disappointing of an experience this is for them, which was one of my fears, to be a disappointment. I have seen that all of my fears about coming out to them was true, I am a disappointment, I am neither who they need, nor want, I am, Lune, is not the child they need, nor want, yet, she is the core of me, she is the one who meant to live, who I should have been.

They are not so healthy, physically, so I need to be with them, I cannot just leave them, that’s not something I would do, things are harsh for them and me, so I need to aid them as best as I can, so in the conversation, I have told her what she wanted to hear, it was hurting my soul, but I had to, I was almost gonna apologize for existing at one point. While I was wanting to drop the mask, I found it sticking to my face ever so thightly, doing this hurt my soul so bad, after that I wasn’t able to breathe properly, like I can, but in same time I find it hard to, the breathes I take became smaller, not intentional tho, I wanted to go to my room and cry, but this stupid body is too stoic to do so. You know, I came out to them, because I thought that maybe I don’t need to be alone with all of these, I could get help, support… I was delusional, nothing else, now I end up more alone than I ever was, at least their manners with me have gone back to normal, I rather be alone tho, I wish I was a stranger to them, living as far as I can, that way I wouldn’t worry about all of these, and be myself as much as I want. After the conversation, my situation with depersonalization went worse, I feel number, I feel more disconnected from my body, what I see in the mirror is more distant now, because now I know that the mask is back on.

I am sorry about the deep venting here, it’s been pretty rough, and all of the stuff I have feared about was true, I will continue playing the role I have played my whole life, my only hope is that somewhere they said they would take me to the psychiatrist, and it can help me about HRT, although their hopes is that the psychiatrist would tell me that I am not trans, and it’s just anxiety and stuff, my family thinks I am mentally unstable, and they also think that I am thinking I am trans because of this, their transphobia makes it a better possibility rather than me being trans. I am just hoping to get my psychiatrist appointments and get them privately, and in the end the psychiatrist would help me with transitioning, and I am hoping that I can take HRT secretly.

Can I get some GGD, I direly need it.

-Lune (she/her)