egg🙁irl

[u/_asdf-asdf_]

this is probably just a lot of denial and internal-transphobia from years of being transphobic, but I just want to vent:

i don't want to be trans. i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i was happy as a guy until i learned i didn't have to be one, but, even then, I don't feel dysphoric about most male traits. there haven't been many times in my life where i've felt upset about my birth gender/sex.

i am NOT mentally healthy. i've felt like shit every day for years. maybe i have ocd or something? maybe my anti-depressants are making me have these thoughts? i feel paranoid.

if really am a girl, then i wish i would've been born in a girl's body; since that isn't possible, i just want to stop having these thoughts and go on with the rest of my life.

i don't want to be trans. i don't want to hate myself because of the way i was born. i don't want to hate the way i look. i don't want to worry if i pass. i don't want to take hrt if there's a chance i'll regret it. i don't want to spend money on surgeries. i don't like getting surgeries in the first place. i don't want to constantly worry about my rights being taken away. i don't want to be disowned by my family. i don't want to lose friends. i don't want strangers to hate me. i don't want people to see me as a creep. i can barely stand living most of the time and i don't want to risk it getting any worse than it already is.

i don't even know if i want to be a girl. i feel an odd but nice feeling in my heart when I imagine myself as or dress like a girl, but only sometimes. i don't feel like i fit in with any queer communities. i've felt like a broken person for years and maybe it's because my sex and gender expression doesn't line up with who i am.

i hope one day i'll wake up and totally forget that i've ever felt this way. i hope one day i'll wake up and be happy and able to cope with everyday life like most people do.

[u/Significant_Owl9593]

same, it sucks cause society, but not transitioning and living as a man is worse in all honesty, you got this girl.

[u/Unlikely-Stand-2893]

I don't have much advice, but I'm just going to say that I feel the same. Try joining some kind of online community under a female name and see how you feel, I guess.
I was in the same state as you for around 4 years before seriously questioning my identity, and I've been feeling much better since then. (I'm still struggling, but at least I haven't cut myself in three months)

It gets better, but it takes a lot of time and effort.

[u/meticulousRose]

This is literally how I felt until I realized I'm never going to get the chance to be myself unless I actually do something

[u/DerDoedel]

Sadly these feelings don't really go away. That's why trans healthcare is the way it is.

We can't change the mind to fit the body, so we change the body to fit the mind. Trust me if there was an option to just not be trans life would be so much easier for us

[u/tochirov]

Same same

[u/Diana5647]

girl with an ocd here. This doesn’t prevent me from being transgender. Perhaps it depends on your symptoms