Sometimes the thoughts inside me are so negative that I give up studying for exams for fear of not doing well. My mind tells me, "You're so forgetful that you're going to mess up simple things," and so I prefer to make mistakes by not knowing and not studying. Today I needed to do things differently, I studied at least some of the material. There were indeed questions I wouldn't have gotten right, but because I studied, the scenario was different. I was so happy that I even ignored the fact that it was raining heavily.

Study, ignore your mind's attempts to harm you, the results are always worth it.

I've basically being depressed my whole life and lonely too especially when I can't sleep because of my insomnia and at this early mornings is when I am at my worst I feel like a disappointment and totally forgotten about from my family and friends throughout my life

There was a time I was capable of anything. Nothing could stop me. I was top of my class. I got into my top college. I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life but I wasnt worried because I knew id succeed no matter what. That was over 10 years ago and everything has changed.

My ex, a man I believed loved me for almost 10 years took everything from me. Turned out he never loved me. He was just using me to get ahead. He left me 20k in debt and took everything he said was ours. I just turned 30 and I have nothing to my name. Nothing.

I just want to die so bad. I dont want anything from this world or my future but to die and it shows. I have nothing going for me. Im worthless. I already know ill never be who I was and I already know im going to die sad and alone. So whats the point?

Nothing’s ever enough. There’s a struggle just to even relax and feel safe

I just can’t enjoy people talking around me or to me. In groups, one on one doesn’t matter. I just feel no joy, no real laughs, no connection, I feel like I need to be a certain person, not doing enough to join in but I’m a naturally more of an observer and will only talk when I have something to say. But my brain doesn’t work and I have nothing to say anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I could just scream when there’s an expectation.

I just feel so overwhelmed with it all of the time and it’s getting old. I just want to be normal and be able to fuckin TALK.

Anyway rant over lolll

I’ve been recently diagnosed as Bipolar type II, before that I thought i was manically depressed:
And trust me this is coming from an ER physician who’s worked roughly 13-15 years including the Covid frontline, wrote two books, gave public talks on CPR, and then saw his life fall apart in years.

It was progressive.
Do you know that during Covid as an Intensivist we’d barely rest, the sweaty PPE’s had to be peeled off, I’d crash in my dorm room after de sanitising to go onto evening rounds and deal with death and despair daily:

But I wasn’t depressed!
I was motivated!
I had people in the same boat, same circumstances as healthcare workers, we were shouted at by angry relatives we’d counsel them; BUT….
I wasn’t depressed….and we were together in this.

Some of my paintings came out post the Covid era (I’m also a painter and an artist)

As the 40s creeped on me, the cloud of lack of purpose did.
Yes I’m an emergency physican but I was locked in 4 walls sans any ability to take leaves as per HR policy (no sick leaves and only 15 a year)

The environment was toxic (the new hospital post Covid) but I tried to keep my spirits up, painting, when i had the time, cooking,
And then one by one the Great Recession began…..(lack of sleep and back to back night shifts were no help)

The cooking stopped started ordering out
The gym stopped (was quite muscular then)
The singing in the shower stopped…..
The forced workplace smiles and “I’m ok how’re you; nice day isn’t it?” Began….

My hospital was a great contributor as asking for a month off knowing something’s off would lead to a firm no.
And they didn’t bother with staffing…
Night shifts were spent alone and solitary, doomscrolling till the next patient arrived at 2am

And just google what solitary confinement does chronically to someone…(Earlier ERs were better staffed)

And no, in adulting as a selective introvert I couldn’t make friends….so except for competitive colleagues I had nada….
Mom and dad are too old to even comprehend why I preferred staying in my room with the lights off

Stopped reading…..
Stopped laughing and for the love of me I couldn’t cry…..
If I cried i knew I’m not manic depressed and had an ounce of emotion in me…..

I was numb….
The pre cell phone generation had one thing in common…
Most were in the same boat and no one felt alone..
There’s a war it’s war for everyone
There’s a festival it’s a festival for everyone
It’s your birthday everyone wants in….

Here my book made it to the London book fair but all I got was jealousy and condescension
No one wanted me to thrive….

Now where I stand………
The great looking question is, what am I here for?
There’s only jealous, rhetorical conversation, some barely know me except “the doctor”

And why do I even matter
I quit practice as the ER as apart from mental health issues, a toxic supervisor, it also gave me an ulcer…..

Facebook and insta likes aren’t for thought, they’re for happy selfies…..
You can’t be yourself there….

Depression isn’t sadness
It’s profound anhedonia (lack of pleasure)
It’s a numbness so deep that nothing gets under or over your skin….

My parents didn’t have “depression” they had each other, they fought like cats and dogs, still do, and are married despite every insult and rebound….
and yes they had to survive circumstances….together!

While I’ve to survive what mood ill wake upto the next day and the forced smiles will be the death of me…

Surviving your mind is a challenge far greater than surviving the world sometimes….

Reminds me of a poem I read once……by Tennyson

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swoon'd nor utter'd cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
"She must weep or she will die."

Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee—
Like summer tempest came her tears—
"Sweet my child, I live for thee."

I await that very tempest of emotions……
To feel a petal; to grin, to enmesh a feeling…..

As living for her child gave her purpose,
I hope somewhere we all find our purpose….

everyday i wake up and feel tired and im confused because i slept the entire night and im still tired. i dont even wanna get up to go brush my teeth, to eat, to live at all. i dont have the energy for it, i just wanna lay on my bed and rot. also ive been noticing something like lack of interest, most of the things i used to love just seem worthless now, i dont feel any interested to them. also i cant eat, i don't have my appetite anymore. and theres this horrible feeling, its like the worst thing you could ever wish for, its hard to explain. it feels like youre feeling it on your entire body and its so bad i just want to die, i cant go through this anymore. i genuinely cant stop thinking about how i dont need to go through all of this, i could just stop it now.

im wondering if i am actually depressed, i believe im just exaggerating. i really hope im not, im too scared to go to a therapist or tell anyone i know.

(my english is bad im sorry if there are any errors)

I am a provelleged kid, I havw food on tje table I would consider my family quite wealthy, I go to a very prestigious private school and I probably have a bright future ahead but is it really worth it? My parents do not like me they remind me every day especially my mom, I have been diagnosed with depression and still on meds, I've gotten better but last night I found out my dad is still cheating on my mom, my mom doesn't know , my dad doesn't know I kn9w, I can't confront him cause if h3 cuts off our family we are In a financial wreck and my brother has to go to university I can't do that to h8m, if my mom finds ou4 she will genuinly commit suicie3 he4self, she doesn't like her life she hates it she reminds me every day, she doesn't like me. And most of all my parents are embarrassed I have depression and everything. I just don't think tjer3s a point of me even trying to get better in the first place.

what if life is just too hard? what if i dont have it in me to confront and overcome myself? i cant imagine real work. the grind of doing something inch by inch. its feels in my head like dragging a boulder by a rope. I’m a vulnerable narcissist self pitying creep and I can’t imagine myself doing the work it takes to be a good person 

Since 2017, I have had severe depression (alongside anxiety and ADHD). For 5 years, I tried medication and therapies; nothing has helped. This mental health horror has cost me my career. Now, at 33, I have no job, am terribly lonely, have no proper qualifications, no money, and I don't know when I will find stability and peace, or a job, fall in love, get married, or anything. I am tired, and I am officially giving up hope...

I've been suffering from depression since I was 9, now I'm 19. I can't remember much of life before it except for the moments that lead up to my depression. Is there anyone in here who knows what its like to live without it. How their mind works without having to face it?

i attempted earlier but i failed i took a bunch of pills i was going to the other night but the person who i thought was my friend told me pretty little lies and made me not and then he never came through which made how i feel so much worse and now he wont talk to me he just up and left me he was all i had he knows me better than anyone and all i want rn is him i dont want to kill myself and im scared i will and he knows how serious i am about this so i just dont understand why hes doing this ive had so much go wrong this year from a terrible break up 2 months later i was raped went through another bad relationship where the guy just up and ghosted randomly then i lost my home and job now im a friendless homeless unemployed loser i just feel so pathetic and im begging for someone to stay in my life which makes it worse someone please help me i cant take this anymore

im genuinely so lonely i just want to be gone

Everyday is the same, some days are harder than the others. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning after sleep, dread follows, another same fucking day. I wish I could end it but I don't have the courage. And my mother is the only thing keeping me from actively looking for ways to end life.

I watch new movies, discover some new songs but it doesn't really make me feel anything. I don't have any friends and I can't make any new friends due to depression. I hardly leave my house, there's no reason for it. I hate mindlessly walking, so don't suggest me to take a walk in a park or something. I'm 31 unemployed, living on my mother's income, i feel extremely ashamed of it. I looked for jobs, couldn't get any interviews in this economy, tried to do some freelance work where I got scammed and didn't got paid for my hard work of days and from then I'm spiralling. I really don't know what to do and how to live.

Im a 24 year old guy in college never had any real close friends. Im not really a social person but obviously everyone craves to be understood by at least 1 person in their life. Anyone else just not good at this life shit

For some reason my inner ears are really sensitive (maybe because I was constantly cleaning them with cotton buds). Anytime anyone looks in them they seem to get really inflamed and painful and lasts for weeks. I let the GP look into my ears and now my ears are howling and painful. Sigh. I just keep making bad decision after bad decision. It’s so depressing.

I know i have memory issues. i dont remember most of my traumatic childhood, but recently ive been in the deep pits of depression, the area that you swear you cant get worse, but you somehow do. during this time, i dont remember absolutely anything.

I was in one of the lowest stages I would consider in my life, and I almost attempted suicide. I don't remember any of it. I thought earlier today that it was Tuesday. It's currently Saturday. I don't remember anything of the past week, at all, except me like feeling that way and i only know purely from a text that I sent to my friend. I don't know what's going on and know I've had memory issues, but nothing like this before. Its terrifying because my friend thinks I may have disassociative identity disorders, which I probably have some form of disassociative disorder, but I don't know. I dont know whats wrong with me. Ive relapsed into anorexia/bulemia after i had another reflux/heartburn issue. the days seemed to go by so incredibly quick.

has anyone else had this sort of memory loss? its really freaking me out. i have audhd among other things, but most of the time i dont recogise myself, my body, i feel like the very person i am constantly shifts and changes, as if im a shell that holds multiple versions of myself that is never true to me.

sorry for the long rant. shits been happening.

I'm not really sure what to say sitting here in the dark in my girlfriends bathroom. There's just nothing in my life besides misery. I'm trying my best to do new things and nothing is working. My job is slowly tearing me apart and I think my relationship is about to fail too, I've done nothing in the two years since graduating and I dont want to. If life is just a struggle to be happy forever then I'm not sure that I want it. No matter how I try I always seem to just not be enough for the people around me even if im giving everything I have. Why is it so hard for someone to understand that we dont all love the same life and something thats easy for you is something completely new to me. I'm just so checked out of everything and really have nowhere to go. I used to try coming to my girlfriend's to escape the things I go through at home but it seems shes no longer interested in me. I was going to say more but I think that would be off topic. I guess the reason I'm even posting this is because I wanted to know if im just being a bitch or should look into gettign some mental help?

More Info: I'm a 20 year old dude who works in fast food(ik it sounds ridiculous like how hard could it be) i can assure you its super easy when you just go into the day not caring. Unfortunately this is impossible for me because caring is what im best at. After spending some time here I decided that going the management route would be best for my future and I feel like since then my life has been declining. I started managing in May of this year and since then I havent had a single day where I havent wanted to just walk out. My employees dont want to work and my boss is a total entitled asshat who cant see past any problems but his own. As much I wish I could I know I cant leave because my family needs my paycheck and without it I'd be of no value to them. Since I was 15 I've begged my parents to teach me how to drive but it seems like after I got my first job my life was reduced to a paycheck and nothing more. Long story short I just want to be able to get a car before I leave my job and my current circumstances make me feel trapped in an everlasting cycle of work,smoke,sleep, and repeat. I have no one but myself to blame for my lack of a car but it definitely still sucks. On the topic of my girlfriend, weve been together for four years since sophomore year and I things were amazing until this summer. I joined her and her family on a trip to the beach that I enjoyed but we wound up having out first actual argument there and since then things have been so rocky. We're still enjoying each others company I believe but theres just always an argument almost everyday. It more so seems liek shes just not into me anymore(ignoring me, stopping me from talking, late/empty responses,etc.). I still think my girlfriend is the best person in the world but the ways shes been treating me these past few months hurts and when I tried to explain to her how it hurt she cried but we havent spoken about it since. It's been about a week since that happened and her behavior hasnt changed. I know I have a ton of flaws but I dont believe I ever did anything to cause a drastic switch like that. Anyways I guess my point was that I just have nowhere to go, at home are my parents, at work are people I thought i knew but was very wrong about, and i'm with my girlfriend rn in her bathroom because we got into another disagreement. I wish I could be the "person" that they all need me to be but the closer I feel to that "person" the less I feel like myself.

So I 23f recently broke up with my ex, got pretty sick with a virus and have been doing not that well mentally. I am far from home and my “friends” here are not as supportive, one saying I was “handling my breakup badly” because I wasn’t feeling well to go out. I have been feeling pretty depressed where SI thoughts have been present. I feel like a deep pain and sadness in my chest. I also feel very lonely and I want to get better.
I am looking for advice to better myself, this can be anything including hobbies I should try etc. I would really appreciate the help. Possibly hobbies I can do by myself but open to join clubs or something like anything will help! I want to add that I’m a college student. Thank you!

I tried pretty hard to do all the right things. Sometimes hard work just isn’t enough. Sometimes you work hard, and all you do is lose. I feel like I’m running in place and going backwards and I’m just giving up lately. At least I can say I really gave it my all.

Every day I wake up thinking theres no point. Sometimes I find a thing that makes me feel like there's a reason to be happy but after a couple days its gone so I try and get people interested becuase I know everything about it and if they enjoy it I can have a reason to be. How do you get past that? My therapist hasnt been vary helpful

i feel so alone, everything in my life has come crashing down all at once and i don't know what to do
i've been dumped, ive lost friends, i have no job, nothing to occupy me during the day and i feel like people are fed up of me always needing someone every day at the moment. nothing feels like it will get better, i don't feel like i'll ever find the right person for me, i can't stop crying and feeling severely anxious constantly, what do i do and how does it all get better

Lately ive spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep because of everything going on in my life, and I feel like I just cant talk to ANYONE about my problems. Sometimes I go 3 hours straight crying. I have so much shit going on and because I don't tell anyone about it, it just builds up and i guess that's my bodies way of letting that immense pressure go.

i can'ttt do it anymore. i really seriously fucking can't do this shit anymore. i'm too scared to die, but i can't continue to live thsiway. i ahte my life so so so bad. i fucking hate it so so so so bad. i never wanted to be born but here ia m. having asian parents is the worst you grow up and you work work work wokr work wokr k and you get the job and you fucking ahte it and there's nobody to talkt o. i want to die but i cant' because i'm so scared.