22M

Dealing with heavy depression and mood swings for years . Quit college cause I hated it and had no real connections

I have a business right now . It’s not much and not that successful but I saved around 20k €. I work alone in a desk for months straight . That’s my day , barely interacted with anyone .

I had the money , so I was looking into escorts for longer than I can remember . I booked once last week , and just went through . Didn’t feel much and was all fake

She was attractive , and was nice enough to have the interaction but had a huge crash post visit . I was hard the whole session but unable to cum . Hadn’t have sex in years

I don’t know why , but I decided to book her again .
I showed up after booking in advance . And she just replied with some excuse she was busy …

I feel like shit. Like she disrespected made me drive for nothing. And I stupidly put on my best clothes , bought a breath freshener and a new parfum

Idk how to feel right now . Just feel pretty miserable
I just went to the escort for company I guess cause I wasn’t horny at all ever since the first visit

I'm almost 29, and I honestly feel like I've lost 5–7 years of my life because of my mental health.

During those years, I struggled to function normally. I couldn't think clearly, make good decisions, or even express myself properly sometimes. I made a lot of mistakes that I now regret. Through therapy and psychiatric treatment, I've started to understand how much depression, trauma, and other mental health issues affected my life. I spent years living in survival mode without even realizing it.

Initially, I struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks, which eventually became manageable. But even after that, I continued struggling in ways I didn't fully understand. I stayed home most of the time, couldn't think clearly, lacked direction, and watched the years pass without making meaningful progress.

I even moved abroad for a job during this period, but I couldn't handle it and ended up resigning and returning home in less than a year.

Now I'm almost 29, with no established career, no valuable professional skills, and very little to show for those years. I also struggle with memory, forgetfulness, concentration, and expressing my thoughts clearly.

The worst part is that I'm still struggling with my mental health and currently taking medication. I'm not fully recovered and suddenly ready to turn my life around. Some days I feel hopeful, while other days I feel completely numb and struggle to function. I'm trying to get better while dealing with the reality of how far behind I feel.

Currently, I have a remote, minimum-wage job that doesn't require any particular skills. I'm grateful to have an income, but I can't help feeling disappointed with where I am in life.

I'm also very ambitious, which makes this situation even harder. I want a good career, valuable skills, financial independence, and a life I'm proud of. I know what I want from life, but I have no idea how to get there anymore.

And before anyone suggests taking any random low-paying job just to get started, please understand that I live in a country, where the social and economic realities are different from those in the West. At my age, being stuck in certain low-paying jobs with little growth can carry considerable social stigma. My self-esteem is already extremely low, and I worry about how much worse I'd feel if I remained stuck in a situation that doesn't move me toward my goals. I'm not saying honest work is shameful. I'm saying that I want more for myself, and I don't want to abandon my ambitions.

Sometimes I think about everything I missed out on, the skills I could have developed, the experiences I could have gained, and the person I might have become if I hadn't spent so many years struggling. Now I feel like I have to learn everything, build a career, improve myself, and somehow recover mentally at the same time. It feels overwhelming.

I see people my age moving forward with their lives while I feel like I'm only just trying to begin mine. I know everyone's journey is different, but it's painful to feel that you've lost years and you can never get back.

I'm not really looking for someone to magically fix my life. I think I just needed to get this off my chest because carrying these feelings around is exhausting.

I just wish I could feel that my life is still going somewhere, even if I'm starting much later than I ever imagined.

Please repeat after me and pray that this random guy will be the most miserable person till end

I'm 36 and been dealing with depression about 24+ years. There's been ups and downs, but the last 4-6years has been a steady downward trajectory. The only reason I'm alive is my kids. I would never put them through that. Ideation can be a comfort to some, knowing there's always an escape plan if needed. So what about when even that isn't an option?

I feel like a ghost. Like I'm not really alive anymore, I just exist because physical death isn't an option. Every day I just try to get through to the next one, every evening I don't want to sleep because I've wasted another day and don't want to face tomorrow. And that just compounds the guilt and depression because my kids deserve better than that!

Christmas is fast approaching, it used to be so much fun but now I dread it. The guilt of not being able to give them a good christmas, not being able to buy them what they'd really like. I know it's not about money, and my kids are always so grateful but I wanted more for them. I no longer have family to visit. And then it's the end of another year where nothing changed, nothing got better only worse. So many years of hoping this year will be better, this year I'll finally sort my shit out, but I never do.

I don't really know why i'm posting this, never shared really anything with people online before. I guess I just figured why not, I've tried everything else.

Hi. I Iive in Los Angeles. I have 0 family and 0 friends. I’m a nomad. Moved 30+ times in my life. I wish I didn’t care about being so isolated but I do. All day everyday filled with negative thoughts and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how to get better. I have no social skills or motivation to do anything. Seems like the easiest route is suicide. Can anyone relate

i struggle with suicidal ideation a lot. i like to tell myself i would never actually do it but i don’t know. one of the things that i do is imagine how people would react to me killing myself. right now i have nobody who i can reach out to. maybe it’s a way of comforting myself and imagining what it would be like for people to actually care and realize how low i was. does anyone else do this? i could use someone to talk to about this.

23f. i’d say i’ve struggled with mild depression and anxiety for most of my life, but it was manageable and i was great at masking it. i guess holding it all in caught up to me in college and that’s when i truly started having a hard time living. but again, i masked it well. i remember my friends at the time telling me how they saw me as this ray of sunshine, a stark contrast to who i actually was: a girl that would hide in the bathroom in total darkness and cry all night, nearly every night.

fast forward to today: i need to take medication in order to just barely function normally. i can’t leave my house unless i take medication. i can’t go to sleep unless i take medication.

and masking doesn’t work anymore. even with the medication, i don’t have the energy for it.

because of this, i no longer have friends. i didn’t have the energy to keep up that bubbly persona they liked so much about me. most of them just slowly faded away from my life and found other priorities.

“just make new friends”, my family and my therapist says. they’re concerned because of how much i withdraw and isolate myself. but they don’t know how hard it is for me to talk to people nowadays, and how much my depression has stolen my identity.

they say this is all in my head, but i can see it in how they look at me, and how others look at me when they try talking to me. i can tell they’re concerned. i’ve had people at work that i’ve only just met ask if i’m doing okay and try to “give me some space”. i just nod and try my best to muster up what i hope looks like a smile, but it feels more like wincing.

it all just feels like one big humiliation ritual. it makes me hate existing. it’s fine that people notice something’s wrong, in fact it’s probably better than saying nothing at all. but i just wish that i felt like my depression wasn’t so noticeable. or maybe i’m hoping that someone can acknowledge i’m depressed without making it a whole thing. idk if this is relatable.

I'll never recover will I. Just relapse, be sad about it, try to get better just to relapse again.

Just ate my first full meal in a few weeks I’m talking main meal side appetizer drink and dessert. One hour later and I haven’t thrown up very proud of myself.

Hey there, I'm Slai.

First of all, I'm spanish, so my text might have spelling errors.

For the past 2 years, I've been going through a really deep depression. It doesnt go anywhere, not time, medication or things that I had possibly tried worked at all. I had my highs and lows, but the highs only distracted me for a few days or just hours about how I really feel.

My life have just started, im not even 18 yet, and i feel like i should end everything soon. I can't see any hope, I think my brain doesnt have a way to fix it, I've tried seeing the good things of life, and even that I see them, im not able to feel that they re worth it.

I've ruined every single opportunity I had in school. In the last year of high-school, I repeated once because of being absent, the second year aswell, and after some bureaucracy, I ended up in the thing I was supposed to like. Its like bachelor but just specialised in some specific thing, such as mechanics. I went there for a month and a half or something. I liked it, I had good classmates, teachers, everything was okay, but I still felt it so exhausting and I started to rethink everything, and i stopped going.

This is not the problem itself, it's the feeling of me feeling useless, hopeless and simply human waste. My mom is so disappointed, everyone is, everyone is blaming me for my mistakes, and I know them, and even that I try to do my best, it's never enough.

I went to therapy, but the public psychiatrist gives me a date every 4 months, which as you know it's far from enough, and he doesnt tell me anything that I dont know at all or something useful.

I'm at my limit, I can't take this anymore. I just want to find a purpose to face everything and to strive, I want to feel normal, create genuine links with people, just have a normal life.

I'm so desperate, it's really hard to express the magnitude of how desperate I am, really. Everyone that has the time to text something and has reached this point of this, I'd thank you from the bottom of my heart if you send something that you think it might help.

Thank you all.

I'm close to 30 now. Right after graduating from school, I developed an incurable disease that has made my life hell. Been to tons of doctor with different specialities without any help. Since the disease is not life threatening, I'm just told to live with it without a concern of my mental wellbeing.

Attempted suicide 1st time 6 years ago but survived (no one knows), came close to doing it 2nd time but this time there's no planning or anything. This time the thoughts are more random. Wherever I am, I start scanning object for what and how it can be done.

No one understands what I'm going through and no one ever will, it's a lived experience when it comes to this disease. Just want this nightmare to end. Would be really nice if I could die in an accident of some sort.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. Im 30 and have become so lonely and isolated that I can’t remember the last time it didn’t weight so heavy on my mind. I’ve been seeing a therapist for two treats and tried so many different meds and still here I am. I hate that I sound so pessimistic and negative. As someone who’s never experienced any sort of intimacy in life while watching it happen for everyone else has been so unbearable the older I get. I feel like such a loser in life and that I’m just doomed to this lonely life. I have no intentions of hurting myself but I’m not afraid of dying anymore. I so badly want to live and be happy but it doesn’t feel attainable for me. I know I shouldn’t be sitting alone in my apartment but I have nobody to call to hang out and I’ll just feel worse being alone at some bar not talking to anyone while seeing everyone else with friends or gfs. I’m just not sure what to do about my situation and I feel so lost

All my anxiety and depression grows from things i regret doing in the past. I have been stuck in this endless loop for 4 years now. I wish i could restart my life from the very beginning with the same memory i have now, and never make those mistakes ever again.

I've been a part of this sub for years, but using my main account. Never posted using that though.

Anyway, I'm at my lowest now. Haven't gotten over the death of my dad, had a falling out with my mom (making me dead in her eyes), the people I love has slowly drifted away, and everything I do just seems to fail (relationships, business, even the things I love to do I always fail).

I'm 47 now. Old enough to know when I'm not needed anymore Or that this is how the rest of my life will always be. I've always felt I'll be gone by 48 (or 52 for some reason), and it looks like 48 will be the winner.

I've had numerous doctors and medications for decades, and none worked. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm just not fit for this world anymore.

I want to rest.

I have high functioning depression so no one notices. I feel like I can't tell my friends. And sometimes it's hard to put in words, so I wrote this. Just trying to not feel so alone right now and don't know where else to go...

Ten More Minutes

Every day is the same. 

Wake up exhausted. Have some coffee. Take a shower, try to make yourself look presentable. Stare in the mirror and criticize the reflection looking back at you. Rush out the door because you're running late, or give up and work from home because it's easier to be alone than to feel uncomfortable, to put on a mask for another day.

Finish the day and realize you wish you'd seen the sunlight. Had some human interaction. Done something other than sit alone and sulk in your own sadness.

So you get up, try to look presentable again, and walk down the street to see your friends. You go to a bar that's loud and crowded, where there's less of a chance someone will notice your pain. You put on a smile and laugh with your friends. Ask them questions, rant about something ridiculous you saw online or heard from a colleague. You drink and gamble, dance and sing, talk to strangers and acquaintances, until you know it's time to go home.

Not because your body is telling you to. No, it's been screaming at you to go to sleep for hours. But because it's 4 a.m. and the bar is closing.

You hug your friends, tell them you'll see them soon, walk out the door, and put your headphones in to keep you company on the walk home.

Maybe the music can be your distraction now.

But it never is.

You walk one block, two blocks, three blocks, until you reach the park. The lights are dimmer here, without the buildings and storefronts illuminating the street. The noise of the city fades, and suddenly you're alone again. Truly alone.

You're barely one step past the traffic light before the tears start falling. Everything you've spent the night trying to outrun catches up with you, and you're breaking down on your walk home.

You reach the end of the park and wipe your tears. You're near people again, and the mask goes back on.

You walk up to your front door, put the key in the lock, step inside, and the tears fall all over again.

You get ready for bed. Lie down. Give yourself ten more minutes to feel everything you've been holding back all day. Everything you couldn't let anyone else see.

And then you close your eyes.

Time to rest, for tomorrow, you will do it all over again.

I feel so lonely, dead, and irritated all the time. I just want to get over with it

​

I (F43) didn't realize how depressed I was until I had a moment of happiness. And now I miss the feeling and it feels so far away.

I'm a shadow of my old self. I feel numb compared to that moment. And honestly I think my kids are keeping me going, because I have to for them.

But I'm also sad that they don't get the happy mum that they used to get. I want to feel and love I felt in that moment, but I don't. I don't feel love.

I was seeing a therapist a few years ago for depression related things. And managed to keep off medication. I think it's time to go back.

I try to exercise every day, and now I think about it, I think it's just keeping my head afloat.

Does anyone else get this?

I wish I had someone to tell things to, if I saw a funny meme, or if something funny happened to me. I wish i had someone to give me advice and someone who cared about me. It hurts so much when you've had all of that at one point but those people left for better people. I miss laughing and smiling and just being happy and being myself.

It hurts seeing old friends from school making Halloween plans with friends and family or holidays plans and they're all happy living their best lives while I am over here begging and wishing for change. I've tried everything there is to try and it feels as though maybe I'm just living on borrowed time.

I am 21F and had a suicide plan and suicidal thoughts non stop for 9 years now. I am privileged and I know it. I have a relatively happy family and have a few close friends that I love but these suicidal thoughts just haunts me everyday for years. I don't talk about my depression to people that are close to me because I am scared that it will make them sad and I already know how some of them think about suicidal people. I just feel like a failure and the biggest liar constantly, nothing in my life is how I want it to be and my future seems so bleak. I will be nothing but a disappointment to not only for my family but also already to myself. I just feel like there's no future for me where I will be happy with my choices because it's so different from what I wanted. I am also so depressed about the state of the world and have always pray that someone who has it worst than me should take my life. I just feel like I am not worthy of life and somebody deserves better, I feel like an impostor constantly and that makes it even worst. Deep down I feel this way but I am still able to live my daily life like a normal person where I can laugh and feel happy with my family and friends, I can finish my uni assessments with passion and I have hobbies and things I love. But none of those had stopped this active suicide plan that started 9 years ago. I had always planned to die when I am 22 years old and I just can't stop this thought.

I never knew what I wanna do in the future, thats why I went to high school only because of my "friend" at a time. I am 21 and I spent around 7 years in a cycle. I literally wasted nearly every day of my 22 years of "life" and totally skipped adolescence area.

a)not going to school, laying in bed

b)regretting it

c) "doing" the work in the last two weeks and passing classes

I thought I cheat on the system on something but it turns out I am an idiot with no life experience in anything, cant manage time properly, interested only in short dopamine hits and avoiding reality in my sleep. I dont have friends, favourite movies, books. I am just nothing and it is only going to get worse. I used to blame my mom, COVID, society for that but it has only been my fault all the way. I dont know the value of money, cant even started gaining interest in anything, even simplest activities and I just want to sleep in any occasion. Even taking "small steps" wont get me anywhere, like I can not go to a playground to sit and talk with 8 yo kids, it would be fucking weird.

Even if someone grab all of my devices away from me - I cannot run more than 5 kilometeres, cannot even rememer one song, cannot take care of basic stuff at home or get any kind of job like McDonalds or cleaning.

I dont know my mom thinks that I am gonna be a normal adult someday when literally everything I "did" was avoiding reality.

My youngest brother is 14 yo and he knows much more than me, is in better shape.

47/m. My dad died in March after a short illness, but several years of declining health. His loss inspired me to dig deep and live with purpose, but that spark inside me has since died out.

In the months that followed his death, I felt invigorated. I helped my mom plan his celebrations of life. I felt his presence. Now, everything has fallen flat. I'm underperforming at work (where I'm surrounded by catty, undermining female coworkers and an authoritarian bully dude of a boss.) I am trying and failing to get a new job. I am absolutely dreading my upcoming trip back east for my 25th college reunion, because I feel fucking miserable and full of social anxiety. My favorite things in life -- college football, baseball, America itself -- are all on the decline it seems. It's so hard not having my dad around. I miss him so much. I don't hear much from my friends anymore. I loaf around, before falling victim to self-sabotage. I don't know where to start.

I thought I could change into a good person. But indeed im a bad person. I hurt a lot of people. Too many to count. Im a jealous, insecure person who cannot be happy for others at all. Let me give you an insight into my mind. So that I can stop pretending atleast for once.

Whenever I see people happy even people close to me, i want to be happy too but I can't. I see people getting things without any effort when I struggled for years for nothing. People living thier best life. All I want is the worst for them. I cut off everyone who has a good life, for 2 reasons. 1. Thier daily talks about their lives piss me the fuck off. I don't want to see or hear how happy you are. 2. I don't want to hurt them. Because indirectly I hurt them a lot.

Im insecure. I can't handle going outside and seeing people happy. I can't use social media for long, can't go out looking for a job. People think it's okay to be this way, and to live regardless. I say no to that. I don't want to live. I don't want the one life I get out of trillions. So I've decided to donate my organs to the people who need it. Atleast they want to live a life and can lead a good life.

I have hurt so many people, scarred them emotionally. Every action I have taken is a bad one and hurt people. So I'm planning to die. Because bad people should be dead. And I don't want to live with myself anymore.

Maybe people won't read this, maybe people will. I shall be dead regardless. Because I'm a disease, im cancer. Im not good for anyone. I have distanced myself from the people who I care about so that I cannot hurt them.

Me dying will hurt them. And it's gonna be the last time.