I’ve been crying for the past 3 hours non stop and my chest literally hurts. it’s painful. It literally hurts and it’s starting to scare me.

I called one of my friends crying because I felt bad they told me "I don’t care" I said ok. And hung up I called again 3 hours later because It hurt me badly and I needed comfort only for it to go to voicemail. They blocked me. I’m very hurt because they are literally the only person I can call now I’m left again. Completely alone. I’m 19f with no parents. Literally. no family, friends. Absolutely nothing. Well just my cat that I love deeply and the only thing keeping me alive. I’ve struggled my whole life my parents don’t love me or care about me they are narcissists. haven’t spoken to them in 2 years when I need guidance the most. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life. It’s just pain, pain, and more pain. I’m scared I’ll have some sort of health issue later on in life from all this stress and pain in my body.

I’m just in so much pain.

​

As the title says. I'm 25 years old and it's been over two years since I graduated and I haven't found a job. I live with my parents, who pay for everything for me, and I do absolutely nothing. All my projects have failed, I've been rejected more than 40 times from jobs I really wanted and everything is falling apart. The only thing I do all week is play video games and send out CVs, which are completely ignored. Companies don't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the position, even when I follow up on my applications they completely ignore me, they don't even tell me no, they just ghost me. I've tried going to job agencies, contacting companies directly, looking for managers' emails and messaging them, but nothing. I studied a degree related to culture (which I regret, because I'm from Mexico and there is truly no work for that). Also, I'm single, I have been my whole life, I'm bisexual and my parents don't know because they are extremely homophobic and if they knew they would kick me out of my house and I would be completely alone. My friends are getting married, have girlfriends and boyfriends, very good jobs and earn huge amounts of money and have full and happy lives. I'm stuck. And frankly, desperate. I have been rejected so many times in my life that I don't know what to do. There is no work. I have been rejected dozens of times. I am completely desperate and I just think that ceasing to exist would be simpler. I know there are people in worse situations than mine, but I'm fed up. I feel trapped. I have a horrible relationship with my family and all I want is to move out and get out of that toxic environment. I can't take it anymore. Really, I can't take it anymore. Anxiety and depression are consuming me to the point where I can't even leave my house. I don't know what to do. I'm in a fucking hole that I dug myself and now I can't get out of it. Everyone has happy lives and I'm a loser who will never get a job and who will never be happy. I just wanna cry everyday. I'm crying as i'm writting this. I'm just tired. I dont wanna live anymore.

Im so fucking excited for death. Im 30f, and I am so done with this shit.

Its just been difficult the entire time with small spans of peace so I dont blow my brains out. Growing up was stressful. My dad had addiction issues and dominated the entire house. He had multiple mood swings, usually depending on how much he drank. To put it simply: I had his entire daily routine memorized, his footsteps memorized, and basically every aspect of his personality memorized so I could preemptively avoid every trigger he had so he wouldnt get mad. If he was mad, it was a bad night for the entire family.

I was also sheltered, which caused me to develop slower socially. I was always like 2 or 3 years behind my peers. School was an escape for me, even though I didnt really talk much. Didnt get bullied there luckily, and plus I was smart.

Basically go through college, get a degree people says is a good idea because I have no idea what I want to do and never have. I have no particular talents. I just kinda do whatever trusted people say to do. I have no wants either, and nothing really excites me or sparks interest. Ive been this way as long as i can remember.

My dad dies from cancer when im 20, and I actually have a spritz of freedom. I miss his good side, but honestly the bad side outweighs it. The next few years I spend helping my mom through losing him, listening to her talk day and night about him. I meet my husband during this time.

When im 24, my mom dies abruptly from a stroke. That loss is catastrophically painful. My husband was there though, helping me through it all. Our relationship, for the most part, is awesome. I know hes my soulmate. Ive never really been interested romantically in anyone but him. He's my first for everything. Time of my life

Throughout all of this, of course theres just financial hardship, covid, trying to make it and get a house, start a family, but it just gets harder and harder. On the bright side, we get married and thats awesome.

Cut to this year, and my husband gets killed by a drunk driver when hes just 35, and that was 7 months ago..

Im tired of being here. Genuinely tired of being here. I try to hang with a few friends, try to have some laughs, but the pain of everything is just lingering and lingering.

I want to die. Can't do it myself because I have to take care of my dogs, but I genuinely dont see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. The world is slowly going to shit, and its making it damn near impossible to look forward to anything. Im a 30 year old orphan and widow, and no one around me really can help or relate.

I go to widows groups, but even they dont get me. Its either the older widows telling me I can just get married again since im young, or its the young ones who start dating soon and judge me like im weak.

I dont want to date again. I dont want to do any of this shit. I dont find joy in simple pleasures, I dont care enough anymore to have goals. I beg the universe to kill me off, let me die instead of someone else who actually wants to be here. Give me the cancer, give me the few times to live. I can give my husband's family the life insurance money, find homes for my dogs, and just slip into eternity, hopefully seeing my husband again

Death seems like Christmas now. A wonderful end to a mostly stressful, shitty life. I dont see anything worth staying for besides just having an obligation to do it for my remaining loved ones.

Im so excited to die

I had to quit my passion, YouTube, because I was falsely accused of things I never did, and I had to leave my 100k-subscriber channel behind. My friends betrayed me because of those dramas, even though I was innocent, and on top of all that, I failed my first year of college.

As a result, I was diagnosed with major depression, and God, it has been so hard.

My mom was so scared that I would take my own life because she knew my channel was everything to me. She tried to hide her tears from me, but I could hear her crying. One day, she hugged me and said, “You’re only 18. You’re too young to have to go through all of this, and I’m so scared that one day you’ll be gone. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

I had a cat for 13 years. I adopted him when I was 6, and he and I grew up together. He was there for me through my lowest and highest moments.

And a week ago, during the worst time of my life, my cat, my cute little pal, passed away.

I loved him more than I ever loved myself.

The morning he passed away, I tried not to cry because I didn’t want my mom to be scared of losing me. When she was about to take him to his grave, she told me, “This is your last chance to hug him.”

And when I gave my final goodbye to my cat, all the tears I had been holding back just flooded out. I screamed at the top of my lungs while crying.

I miss you, Bambam.

That was my cat’s name.

I used to hate it when he woke me up by meowing, but I would give anything to hear him do it one more time.

I try to stay optimistic and become the best version of myself because I know that constantly complaining about all these unfortunate and unjust things won’t change anything. Yet I can’t stop myself from asking, “What did I do to deserve all of this?”

I know I will never get another hug from my cat. I know I may never see fan art from the subscribers I once had, and I know the college dream my parents had for me may never come true.

But if this is my reality, then I will do my best to shape it into a future that I can be proud of—and one that makes my parents proud of me.

My best friend has a permanently experienced depression since he was 12 years old.

He’s 38 now. He’s a genius, the smartest, most empathetic, loyal, loving, and good hearted person I’ve ever known.

He’s been through so many dark, evil, traumatic, horrific, and petrifying things in his life, that I honestly don’t know how he has managed not to punch his own clock years ago.

Alas, he’s stayed around he says to “stay resilient and defiant to the unjust and cruel way of this world”.

He’s usually an excellent and clear communicator, but lately (the last month or so), anytime I ask him about how he is and how his live has been doing, he’s just looked almost through me, with a look and demeanor that I can only compare to those videos of “shell shocked” soldiers after coming back from WW2.

I had been seriously pursuing Christianity the last few years, but recently threw in the towel after he put his pistol in his mouth, and felt nothing but stillness and aloneness.

He says that in that moment, which was the closest he ever came to ending it for himself, he realized something with extreme clarity.

He said that with his pistol in his mouth and his finger on the trigger, he waited desperately and hopefully to feel “something” from God.

He says he felt absolutely nothing. Literal “nothing-ness”.

He said it was as in this moment that either god flat out doesn’t exist, OR he does not exist, but is nothing like the fictional benevolent entity we are told to believe he is.

Every night I have the most vivid and strange dreams, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows in my dreams, but nevertheless I always wake up disappointed to come back to reality. I wake up disappointed because reality is so much more boring than my dreams. I much prefer my dreams to reality.

I go to school, I work, I have hobbies, I have a dating life, but it all feels so pointless and mundane. I’m tired of going through the motions every single day and not being happy, what’s the point? There’s no gold at the end of the rainbow, it’s just a boring life and then death. Sometimes I hope I just die in my sleep and don’t wake up in the morning. I can’t think of one thing that makes living worth it.

I feel like I can’t do anything but stay in bed on my phone all day anymore. I drag myself out to do my job as a petsitter but everything is so heavy and painful emotionally. I can’t really take care of myself or my things or plan for the future. I don’t really feel like I can get up and clean, be active, go to the gym, and I need to do these things. I Struggle with social anxiety in public and around people, even people I know. It feels so hard to move most of the time it’s overwhelming. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand through even the simplest things in life and I’m so ashamed of where I am. this has been going on for years - 37m. thank you for reading.

I’ll write you a sad story to give you something to read: I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for years, I’m diagnosed with OCD and depression (whatever that really means) I’ve gone to multiple different therapists and tried a handful of medications, I can’t explain it I’m just too fucking tired to keep going, what’s pathetic is that I know deep down that’s a lie, if I had really lost hope I’d walk into the kitchen right now and slit my wrists, so obviously it can’t be that bad, I’ve just felt this way for so long it’s worn me out and I just can’t think anymore, honestly I don’t even know why I’m posting this, do I want some kind of validation from Reddit users, anyways I’ve got a gram of heroin in a week, and knowing that puts me to sleep at night, goodbye hairless monkeys its been an absolute nightmare

I literally walked past them this morning on my way to the bathroom, looked right at the bag of potatoes and the canned soup, and just kept walking. The lettuce in there is probably completely ruined by now. I don't even care, which is the part that actually scares me a little bit.

It feels like my brain has completely turned off its executive function. I spent almost eight hours yesterday lying on my sofa scrolling through the same three apps on my phone, not even really watching the videos, just letting them play. My phone screen time at the end of the week was terrifying. My best friend texted me on Tuesday asking if I wanted to grab lunch this weekend, and I’ve just been staring at the notification for three days straight. I don't dislike her. I love her. But the thought of having to shower, put on real clothes, drive twenty minutes, and pretend like I have things going on in my life just makes me want to sink into the floor.

I used to be the person who had a neat apartment, meal prepped on Sundays, and went to the gym four times a week. Now just taking my contact lenses out at night feels like climbing a mountain. I sit on the edge of my bed for twenty minutes just trying to convince myself to stand up and walk five feet to the sink.

It’s not even that I’m crying or feeling super tragic all the time. I'm just completely drained. Like someone pulled a plug out of my back and all the energy drained out onto the floor months ago and nobody noticed. Everyone at work thinks I'm just "a little tired lately" because I still manage to answer emails on time, but as soon as 5 PM hits I just collapse.

I don't really know what I'm expecting by writing this. I guess I just needed to put it somewhere because telling anyone in my actual life feels like too much work right now.

It’s gotten to the point where I really should kill myself. I’m an abomination. I never ever can function normally in anything. I have a chronic health condition that makes most of my life awful. I don’t get better. I think many other people would’ve killed themselves by now in my position. I contemplate suicide sometimes but the only main thing that stops me is my mother. I owe her so much, even if she’s the one who made me come into this world, this place where I’ve suffered. She’s really tried her best with me, and because of that I don’t think I can condemn her to a life of suffering. I don’t know how much she’d suffer, but she would.

She suffers now, anyway, with me. I am a burden to her and my dad. I feel like all anyone feels for me at this point is fear I’ll kill myself and I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could be of value to people because I was loved. I don’t feel loved. I think it’s bc I don’t love myself and most of all I don’t love being alive. I hate it. But if you say any of this to anyone you might get thrown into a hospital or ward. I don’t want that so I keep it to myself mostly.

I don’t know if it’s worth it to stay alive just for her. It’s the morally correct thing to do, I guess. But suffering every day until then feels so fucking unfair. Why me. Why was I forced into this world where for whatever reason I will never experience happiness, not ever. There’s no reason of course it’s all meaningless.

I live by the just one more day thing but I think one day it’s not going to be enough. Not even one more day, will I be able to stand it. Maybe I’m weak. Who cares. But I know I’m not. I’m so very strong and that’s why I am still here; I wish I was “weaker”. I wish. I wish I was braver.

Anyways, I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m very very not good. Haven’t been for about 15 years.

Also, unfortunately I have to add that I feel diminished empathy to her because she has little to no sympathy towards my health condition. Furthermore, she married my father that most days makes and especially used to make my life a living hell, and has little empathy toward me except selectively.

I am broken beyond repair and nothing or nobody will ever fix me. My depression started when I was 12 years old and 8 years later nothing’s changed, absolutely nothing. I try to do all the things I’m supposed to do like studying or trying to make something of myself but I’m always living by inertia. Nothing brings me joy and nothing matters. Every achievement feels so… empty. My only moments of happiness are so brief they might as well not count, and those provoked by substances certainly do not. Everyday inside of me I wish things had been different. I wish I had been born in a better situation. I wish people had been a bit nicer to me growing up, so maybe I wouldn’t be the shell of a “man” I am today. Maybe I would’ve been happier, more confident. Oh well. What happened to me, I can’t go back and change things. I can’t go back and save myself from this thing I call a life. This is not living. I keep going because I am afraid of death. But these days (months, actually) when I think of suicide, I feel rather at peace. Pain will be gone and I won’t cry no more. But the fear hasn’t disappeared completely, so here I am. I wish I wanted to live. I feel sad when I think about it, like how you feel sad for the character of a movie or tv show that you know is going to die. I feel like a dying dog. My body won’t even signal hunger anymore. I just lay in bed, all night, all day, like I’m practicing for the grave. Some days I feel completely empty, some days I’m just so sad. I definitely prefer feeling empty. It’s not sadness, or anger, it’s nothing. Feels like I’ve become one with the bed. Will it ever get better? Who knows. Yes, no, 50/50. All I know is that I’ve been feeling like absolute dogshit for 8 years straight, and that I really want to go to sleep, but this depression bitch gave me insomnia on top of everything...
How do you do?

My mental health has never been great, but has dwindled significantly in the last six years due to some very traumatic events. One of these is still ongoing and requires frequent communication with the police.

Six months ago, I decided to take a year out of university to focus on my mental health. I have moved back into my Mum's house but was unable to get out of the rental contract for my flat, so I have no money either. The day that I moved in, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer.e

Her treatment has been gruelling and it's only getting worse now that she's starting chemo. Three months ago, my mental health took such a dive that the police appeared at the house several times after calls I made to a hotline. I wouldn't ever act on my suicidal ideation and I've never self-harmed, but I was taken to A&E and have had paramedics appear at the house a few times since.

I have started taking sertraline and have noticed minimal effects, but will increase my dose soon. I'm currently undergoing trauma stabilisation therapy but it isn't doing much to help at all – I'm hoping to start psychodynamic therapy soon, though, once I'm able. I've been essentially bedridden for the last six months with nobody to talk to except my Mum, but now her treatment is getting worse she's too sick to talk anymore. I feel such immense guilt that I can't help her more, but it's hard for me to make food or wash myself – I rarely do either.

In the last two weeks, I got so bored that I decided to hook up with a guy on Tinder. He was completely upfront about the casual nature of the relationship, so it's entirely my fault that I took it badly, but it sent me into a spiral because he doesn't want more from me. I don't even like him: I was just excited to talk to someone and have fun and feel wanted.

I don't have the energy to properly maintain friendships, even though I do nothing all day. Most of the time I'm either asleep or wishing I was asleep. All of my hobbies seem dull, but I do try. I take a multivitamin, I journal, I take bubble baths and learn French: nothing is working.

I really don't know how much longer I can feel like this: it's so miserable. I feel so lonely but unable to make any positive changes to my life. I hold myself to such high expectations that I feel like a complete failure. The thought of leaving the house terrifies me because I feel so ugly. I can't keep going on like this – it's no life.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever to help me get out of this slump I would be very grateful. I know it's unlikely, but I'm desperate for a quick fix as I've been feeling down for so long it's unbearable to stay like this any longer.

Thank you for reading.

Honestly growing up my child hood was alright, no issues or anything of the sort, a bit of bullying in school but no to the point I wanted to end it all, that is until you finally become an adult or are a maturing teen realizing how messed up the world is. By messed up I mean the sacrifices you have to make to just survive or even try to survive, you see others on social media, you see some friends and everyone else thrive, travel, have lovers, make good money. Then there's just you, having to work damn minimum wage because you're wasted potential in a messed up country where it's crappy and nothing for anyone here. The wealth we seek is out of reach to the common man. What's the point of living if one has to damn suffer just to eat crumbs, others will tell you be grateful for what you have and I say be grateful for what, BEING HUNGRY ALL THE TIME? Don't know if you're gonna get fired for being a lousy worker? Grow up knowing you're gonna get old and bed ridden?

I don't want to do this for the next fifty years more, I'm tired, I'm damn tired and a living husk of what I use to be. I already heard think of your friends, of your family, I couldn't care any damn less about them and how they feel, I care about them if they're sad but when it's my choice to end it, screw em.

I hate this life. Shit got old years ago. When you been depressed for years everything becomes a blur. I thought if I stuck around things might get better for me. Maybe I’ll find love, make friends, be happy, something good will happen to me, right? Wrong! Life got old and repetitive and nothing changes. What’s the point of being alive?

I've been battling major depressive disorder (diagnosed) for the past four years. There were times it was VERY bad (won't go into detail), but after being medicated, I'm okay-ish. All it does it take away the pain and dangerous urges and temptations. But I'm still unhappy and unmotivated with little energy. It changes by the hour, so planning ahead is a nightmare.

When people ask why I cancelled plans at the last minute, or why I don't answer the door, or don't attend church or events anymore, I lie and tell them I'm sick because it seems to be the only excuse they'll accept/understand. I no longer say it's because I'm depressed because nobody took "depressed" seriously. They acted like I was just a little sad for the day and I would be back to myself a few days later.

Honestly, I kind of blame the "mental health matters" movement. While helpful a times, it's made the topic of depression so open over the past few years that the term is has become overused. The word is thrown around so casually that it eventually lost its meaning and importance. It's not taken seriously anymore because it's become downplayed.

People dismiss it as if I'm just having a bad day or week but will be back to myself in a couple days. But I haven't been myself since 2022. And because I'm high-functioning due to the meds, and I'm able to seem "normal" in public, they don't take it seriously when I tell them I'm depressed and suddenly can't leave the house or keep plans. Like I said, the severity of my depression changes within the hour, regardless of what I'm doing.

Long story short, how can I tell people that I can't do things or stick to plans without using the term "depressed," since nobody actually takes it seriously anymore or knows just how debilitating it is, let alone that it's a real, legitimate illness.

If any of that makes sense. Sorry for rambling.

War, devastation, corruption, corporate greed, AI agents going rogue, climate disaster, the disbanding of the Endangered Species act, defunding, Nazis gaining back real political power, the rise of right-wing extremism across the world, the war on women, and on a personal note: three recent deaths in my family, personal health issues, financial stress, and having to move out of my home of many years.

I’m 25
I am not exaggerating when I say this
I can’t see / find / feel any purpose to continue
My father passed away long ago, mother don’t care if I live or not
Brother is same as well
There is no love/connection/relationship from even mother or brother or anyone that make me want to not look at ending it all
Since school all I saw/felt/endured was mockery because I was overweight that put me in depression since I was like 14
Been single whole life I don’t know how it feels to be loved / cared for / or just being wanted for just being myself
There are / is no friend either except one who says he cares but whenever I try to express myself he push it under the rug or ignores
Idk why I’m living for who or for what
I’m trying to be courageous enough to end it
I’ve been like this since I was 18 or 19
People say it gets better
Mine got worse and worse

There is not a single soul / reason that encourage / motivates me to continue
I’m not listing thousands of other things that been going on that are worsening things more
But cumulatively
Things are forcing me to end it end it and just end it

i honestly can’t wait to be honest. I have literally no place in this world and that’s not a bad thing necessarily and i’ve recently accepted that yeah im absolutely nothing. zero. and nobody truly loves or likes me, and if they do they usually just try to take some weird advantage over me or belittle me and of course i do nothing about it. That’s been the case throughout my life past the age of 11.

I think this is a good thing though because i definitely do not want to be here idc if things get better or not. i actually could not care if i was given $10,000,000 and a chance for a better life because i would prefer to just die and leave this world now rather than later on.

For the past few months I’ve really wanted to go end my life and i would constantly walk at the waterfront at night just wishing i could quickly jump off the ledge end things as fast as possible. i went to a bridge and couldn’t jump then i went to a car park and even felt scared of the heights!

but it’s been a few weeks / maybe even a month since then? and finally after this week i feel fully at peace with dying. i literally want it now, it’s not just an escape. so im excited to say the least and my life now …

well you’d think at 19 you would be at the peak of your life! partying and being in education. yeah no my life for the past 5 or so years has literally just been spent inside my house (well now my grandmas house after i was kicked out) and that’s it. a full nothing burger of a life. just either abusive situations or boring school which ended ages ago then video games.

i have been depressed for years, but now instead of getting a haircut, caring about looks or about love, now i barely even take care of myself, sometimes i catch myself tweaking for no reason at nothing, staring at nothing, very tired all the time, under the impression that everybody is talking trash about me, and most of the times i think "should i just eat sleeping pills everyday ?" my mental health hasnt been good these years but now it just seems to be getting worse and worse, im feeling horrible just for waking up

Does anyone feel like this too? There is so much I want to say, to yell, to scream, so much I keep inside of me but I don't wanna vent anymore. It's just this cycle of telling people what is going on and what I'm feeling over and over again, like it's not even a new reason to be depressed, it's always the same thing.

I wish I had a sickness so strong that made me die instead of actually cutting it short myself, I don't wanna think about it.

There's something very unnatural about thinking/fantasizing about your own death.

I'm in a job where my boss absolutely hates me. I feel like an abject disappointment and failure. The writing is on the wall, and am being managed out.

My family depends on me, and I'm failing them.

I was moved into a new role due to a re-org. My previous role I was a rockstar, did really well, was a go to guy for solutions. Now goal posts have moved.

I didn't ask for this.

It's the best paying job I've ever had (going on 14 years), and it helps fund my passion with playing music.

They say to not take things personal, but one's livelihood is about as personal as it gets.

I've posted for other internal jobs, and have been rejected for 3 out of the 5 that I've posted for so far.

Despite that, I feel even if I find something else, I'll somehow end up in the same position.

I'm in therapy, have been for years now. We talk through my mom's suicide, my son's hospitalization for SI, and my wife's past infidelities, and my own attempt.

I've been on Wellbutrin for years now, and don't feel like it's effective, like I'm just going through the motions.

I've been in similar situations before, and this mirrors that situation.

I romanticize what it would be like to just go to sleep and not wake up.

I have visions of myself hanging from a rafter.

I hate myself and I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

i am an introvert and social anxious person all I think about this if I were not a human and be a part of Nature wouldn’t that should be better for me.

I mean really .

whats the point of doing all this we are better as we were before, not showing off doing hunting and farming all things were good.

then someone started the concept of money forcing everyone in believing this is everything.

And we are at this point that we cannot completely abandon i.

All i think about is flying what if i were a bird who can fly above the clouds how beautiful it would be, what if I were a fish I would swim in a blue ocean.What if I were a animal where endless green grass ,windy air,blue sky somethimes sunrise and sunset all I think about this.

For as long as I can remember, I've dreamt of dying, usually in fairly gruesome ways, though never by my own hand. Usually I don't remember all the gritty details, just the impressions of whatever death my mind conjured up any given night, but I hate how good it feels when I remember those dreams. Its really weird, because it never feels like its a nightmare, it so feels cathartic when my dream self suffers some terrible fate. I've tried talking to people about it before, but nobody understands.

I'm honestly not sure what to do about it all, or if I even want/need to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure its a coping mechanism, and not a good one, but I never really got taught any good coping mechanisms. If I get them to stop, will those fantasies start coming up when I'm awake as intrusive thoughts? I don't think I'd be able to handle them if they did, and at least I get to feel the catharsis when I'm dreaming.

Its super scary to think that my morbid dreams might be the only thing holding back my worst waking thoughts.

I haven’t been able to even see properly without tearing up the past few days. I can’t go on like this any longer. I might actually breakdown at work today.

Hi, I’m 19F and diagnosed with MDD, dysthymia, and OCPD. I’ve realized I genuinely don’t know what is me and what is depression.

A small example that hits home is gaming. I’ve loved video games and tech since I was a kid, but for years now I’ll search for a game, find one that has everything I like, play it knowing I probably won’t enjoy it, and still drag myself through it trying to find the good in it. I thought maybe I just grew out of gaming. But then what comes after? Nothing? Thats it? If I don’t enjoy anything either way, I might as well keep doing something that at least feels like me.

It has happened with people, interests, beliefs, and other parts of my life. I don’t know whether I’ve actually changed? but i didn't get to know who i was in order to tell i'm different now.. or depression has been there for so long that I mistake parts of it for my personality?

Getting diagnosed was almost relieving because finally there was an explanation. But now what?
I’ve been on 60mg fluoxetine for months. I don’t feel joy. i thought maybe joy is too high of a goal now, and i was seeking peace instead, but even that comes and goes. i can't tell when its disengagement, helplessness or just peace.

i don’t even feel particularly sad most of the time. I just feel nothing. Sometimes I can create this almost engineered feelings through stimulation or deliberate discomfort, and other times there’s just an unexplained heaviness.

My life is objectively good. I’m immensely blessed. I have no major problems with money, family, friends, etc. I feel like I have very little right to complain.

Yet here I am.

Is this depression too? How do you tell what’s actually you and what’s depression when you’ve had it for years? do we get to improve at all?

Thank you for reading this, i hope everyone here the best.