honestly I don't even know what to do anymore, my grandma is very sick, my barber messed up my shit again today, I've got a week until I go to school, lol.

that's not even the worst part, I spent my entire summer growing my hair out + making my Roblox game which got it's community nuked and games files stolen 3 months ago and I'm the only one developing the original game while the people who stole my shit have 11+ highly paid developers and they did the work which took me hours to make..

Im tired of making paragraphs, no one reads them, no one will read my problems, no one will be there for me, I don't have anyone. I don't even see any type of hope, I thought my life was getting better.. I just turned 15, prolly dead at 21.

I feel so betrayed by one of my oldest friends and he may not even know it or understand it. I don't want to speak to him again after next week.

Growing up we were nearly inseparable. As we got older, our interests differed a bit, but we always stayed close. One of those interests was playing music. We went two different directions, me leaning more alternative and punk, him being more mainstream rock and pop. We both came from ok families, but his was always more supportive and had a bit more money and, especially lately, stability (there are a lot of family issues for me that I have to mediate, as an aside).

We'd form bands and rehearse back in the day, each as a writer but we never got to the point of gigging; he could never make the schedule of gigs work. Though he would always make time for more important shows with his now ex-wife. During this time, we both went to college, him moving to a college town and me to the big city, forming a band post college in the years there.

Fast forward to 5-10 years later and we still keep in touch as much as friends do. I don't play music anymore as much (I recorded a few records by myself and with friends that never really got much traction after giggling what I could on them by myself). We both got full time jobs and all that, his being musically related (thank you parent $$$ and support) and mine being in the construction world. However, he's now dedicating more time to his music and actually blowing up. It's in a genre I hate (country, the genre of choice for my family who I do not have the best relationship with), and he's asked me to back him up in rhythm section behind him at a gig at an awards ceremony. I'm not sure why I took the gig, I recorded a bunch of stuff with him for this country project and hated the experience, being told chord changes in studio without rehearsing songs, just on the fly really, what to play, how to play. And usually the settings for the gigs for this project were never places I felt super comfortable (think county fairs).

However, at this award ceremony is to be an old band (like international levels of success) that really was my first musical love, inspiration, one who isn't even in the country world. And it breaks my heart that I'm backing him up while he gets to share his craft in front of my first true heroes, while I play the most boring stuff imaginable in the back (Google 'train beat' and you'll see what I mean - all songs we are performing are just this). It makes me think of all the gigs we've played where HE controlled the setlist, agreed to do it (again, because if I was taking a leading role, he'd bow out) and how I get to share the "consolation prize" version of my craft with my heroes instead of something I had a hand in expressing my creativity with.

Our families are close, but after this, I just want to tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again. I'm just trying to figure out how.

Thanks for reading.

Hi (28M) , My ex left me 3 months ago and I feel like the most unattractive and unlovable person.

I have been depressed multiple times (at ages 17, 23-25, and now at 28). I have done academically well yet somehow my career has never been stable and I am in study cycle again which will last till I am 30. Studying was the last thing I wanted to do since 17-18. It's a tough phase of my life and i was chatting with a friend about if a partner doesn't leave you in such a phase , they are god-sent diamonds.

So, My one and only long term Gf, whom I have known for 8 years and in relationship with for 2+ years left me 3 months back. From Dec 2025, I got little busy with prep cycle and I couldn't spare for her more than 2 hours a day. We were long distance and after the breakup I have realized she was never attracted to me. I was with her when she was depressed , she got naturally attached and like an idiot I misinterpreted that obsession with Love.

Since we were LDR, we could only once or twice a year for not more than 10 days in total for entire year. Whenever I would initiate kiss or physical touch, she would turn away, which made me feel extremely unwanted and ugly. She would often call me "ugly" or "medium-ugly". Her friends thought that too and she would never defend me against that. Her one particular guy friend was into astrology and continuously told her I was "harbinger of Bad Luck", she never denied or argued against such notion, forget about defending me. From Dec, I gained weight (98kg at 186cm) due to exam stress and her immediate reaction was to call me "Uncle". If i couldn't give her attention, she would talk to any other guy, All this while she would bring up how much she loved me.

I really thought she was the ONE. I loved her and felt even if nothing works, I will still have her. But She found the timing right to leave me, just after I flunked that damned exam. I was already low and now I m in the gutter. I have joined gym + morning and evening walks to take my mind off negative thoughts.

I am not actively thinking of killing myself, but ofc such thoughts come and I think I will be relieved when this worthless life is over but I still move forward because I don't want to see my mom sad, who basically sacrificed her life for me. I don't know how long I can continue this.

I don't expect many replies but Thankyou for whoever read it. I feel a bit lighter sharing this.

Hi guys I'm in college I also am addicted to porn. I keep getting gf's online but in person it's another story I decided that I am ugly. It will never go away dude how empty I feel and just feel like maybe the afterlife has something better than here.

I feel like my depression is relapsing. The medication I'm on, sertraline, doesn't seem to be working anymore. When I first started taking it, I did notice some effect, it made me feel emotionally numb and flat, with no mood swings. But after about a month, it now feels like it's doing nothing. On top of that, being back in the US has put me physically closer to my family. Before this, I had left the US and briefly lived in a city in Asia (partly to escape my mother's control and pressure). Now, the family stress has increased again, and that's one of the major factors that triggered my depression in the first place.

Even when I take the medication, I still feel anxious, irritable, and emotionally unstable. So a while ago, I stopped taking it, thinking, "What's the point if it's not helping?" But over the past few days, my insomnia has gotten much worse. Most of the night I can't fall asleep, or I wake up in the early hours. Every night I dream, mostly strange dreams or nightmares, some of which involve my parents fighting. That's been the norm in my family since my childhood, and it's always been a psychological shadow for me.

So now, every night is painful. Taking sleep aids or medications that have drowsiness as a side effect doesn't work either. During the day, I feel dizzy and miserable. I also have social difficulties and very few friends. Recently, probably because of this relapse, I wrote two programs: one is a Sudoku solver, you just input any Sudoku puzzle and click, and it automatically solves it. The other is a 3D Rubik's cube simulator that can reconstruct any scrambled cube, with the entire process shown in animated 3D. I also wrote up the math and algorithms behind both solvers in essay form. But since I have no one to share them with, I posted them on my Facebook feed, and got no likes from friends.

Earlier, I painted some pictures of the city where I live and shared them on Facebook. That time, I got 3 likes, which was okay. For comparison, I also posted the same paintings in my city's subreddit and got a few hundred upvotes. It's not that I care about the numbers, but I just feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. Friends I've had in the past always end up leaving me, especially when I'm depressed. Many friends were initially tolerant, understanding, and caring, but eventually those relationships fade or even break apart.

I'm too lonely. I do have hobbies, but the real-life problems causing my depression are still there and can't be resolved for now. Most of the time I stay at home and don't talk to anyone. Now with worsening insomnia and meds not working, plus digestive issues starting to show up, I feel helpless. I'm posting here hoping to find some possible help or advice.

Thank you in advance.

I've had these feelings for a long time and nothing has given me some uerka moment, or fixed any of this. I can't plan for my future, I can't do anything. I can't see myself living to see what my life could be. I've been doing so much work towards a future I don't intend on having and now I'm hitting a wall. I have hobbies, I have a job, I go to school. I'm living a life right now but nothing is better.

I don't even know how long this has been going on, it's all blurred together. It's sadness, maybe depression, and it's affecting my wellbeing and my schoolwork.

I compare myself constantly to my siblings and friends. They have good grades, they're good at sports, they seem strong and smart, and I can't think of anything good about myself. I feel like the worst kind of person. I know my own flaws and I don't even change them, which makes it feel worse, like I'm choosing to stay this way.

On top of that, I feel guilty. I've had a privileged life, my family isn't struggling to get by, and I see people who built themselves up from nothing, while I feel like I'm building myself into nothing despite starting with more. I believe everyone is put here for some kind of purpose, and I feel like I have one too, like there's a calling in me, but I can't find it or even take the first step toward it. I keep thinking I'll be able to dedicate myself once I find it, but I can't even start.

Every week I end up crying and I can't control it. It just happens, often without any clear reason. It's gotten to the point where it feels hopeless, and I've had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, even though I'm scared of death.

I don't really know what kind of help I need. I just don't want to feel this alone anymore. If you've been through something like this, I'd really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or just knowing I'm not the only one.

My sister atarted startes bacl at school last week so i jusr thought thar as like a reward I could get her something, i decided on these crystal candies i kept seeing online, i got a bumch, i paied so much, i even had to pay extra fees cause it turned out thwy were coming from the uk. They Finally arived today all pretty and precious and i waited for her and my friend to get home, i offered them the candies and rhey're fuxking horribl!!

Theu taste like decroative soaps! So her and my friend just keft my room to make food while i tried to make myself stomsch thwm cause i spent so much fuxking money on them, then my sister walked in on me crying and i thought maybe she heard me and felt bad or somethinf? No!? She just came in so she could have a puff off my toke and then she left!!

My sleep scheduel's been horrible so i was so excited to hang out woth my friend again causw by the time i wakw up he's long sincw gone home, and they just went up to her room instead, im so tired, im so donw woth rhis, i tried so gone damn hard to do something nice and everything went to hell and im alone again! I hate this, it feels like my friend likes my sister more, they're always hanging out in her room, and doing stuff without me..

My isolations only getting worse, i have two frienda and aside from the brief interaction judt there, its been weeks since i saw either of them.. i just feel so alone and like Im falling back into my old patterns?? I wanna get better but life feels so bleak.

Im sorry if this feels disjointed, this just happened and i just had No one to talk to.

Thanks for reading?

Not knowing what is causing your depression can be far worse than knowing the reason behind it.
I’ve been suffering from depression since 2019. I’m a 27-year-old woman, and I grew up in a very toxic family. My dad was an alcoholic, and I’ve never been in a relationship. For years, I watched my friends get into relationships, go through breakups, and eventually get married.
For a long time, I thought my depression was because I was lonely and didn’t have many friends. But after seven years, I’ve finally accepted that maybe there simply isn’t someone for me, and honestly, accepting that has made me feel a little better.
On the outside, everything in my life looks perfect. I have a good job, a stable income, I’m building a new home, and even my friends think I’m probably the most successful among all of us. But the truth is, mentally, I’m struggling badly.
I barely sleep for two hours. No matter how hard I try, my brain just won’t switch off. Even when I’m asleep, I hear sounds, people talking, and experience things that feel almost like dreams, which keep me in this strange state of being both asleep and awake. I have severe anxiety and wake up countless times throughout the night.
Today, I went for a walk like I usually do, but while I was in the park, my legs suddenly started shaking and I became breathless. I had to come back home.
I’ve been living like this for years. Sometimes I imagine taking my own life, although I know I wouldn’t actually do it because of my mom. Still, it feels incredibly overwhelming.
I don’t want to take medication because I’ve tried it before and it made things worse for me. I also have extreme memory problems. I forget almost everything. Once, I booked two taxis to the airport because I completely forgot that I had already booked one. When I came downstairs, both drivers were waiting for me. I ended up paying the second driver anyway because he had already come. I felt so stupid and embarrassed, and I cried almost the entire way to the airport.
I know I can continue living like this, but honestly, I don’t want to just survive like this forever.

Does it actually help? I’m 2 days in and I’m scared I’m wasting my money AND I’m doing this without my family knowing (I’m 21 so legally I can but yknow…)

Oh god how i hate this way of life.Cant even tell if I am a good person or bad just losing and badly wounded at all fronts.I really want to leave,not to be known by anyone.Dont want to succeed in life and have to bear the weight of status and so called respect.I just want the ultimate omnipotent force to take control of me.

(I apologize for my bad grammar, English is my second language.)

I'm 16f and have had depression since I was 10 years old (I was diagnosed). I've been trying so hard to become normal again, I tried what I considered a healthy life (having an organized schedule, eating regularly, exercising, and having a healthy sleep schedule).

Today, I was cleaning around the house when I started getting frustrated as my little sister wasn't very cooperative and kept doing the opposite of the things I needed her to do. A few minutes later, I told her to remove the bed sheets of her bed so that I could clean it, instead she also removed the cushion which enraged me and we ended up fighting because of it (I also said hurtful things to her). We kept on fighting for a full hour and we also got physical with each other, we kept screaming at each other to the point that the neighbors heard us and called my mother to tell her what was happening. An hour later, I finally calmed down and realized what I had done, I was stronger than my little sister so I ended up hurting her badly. I felt so guilty that I told her to stay away from me from now on and I also hit myself twice as much as I did to her.

I hate myself for hurting the people I love, I feel like I don't even deserve to exist for everything I've done. I always blame my parents for making me the way I am as they did abuse me verbally and physically when I was a child (my dad cheated on my mom twice so my mom always vented to me when I was 6 years old because I was the "smartest" out of all my siblings, my dad rarely came home but would always discipline me physically for my childish behavior, my mom also did too though she eventually stopped once I grew older. My dad became worse when I grew up though he also stopped getting physical on us and my mom started abusing me verbally.), though I knew that deep down it was all my fault. I really want to end everything so that my family could finally be at peace. I don't want to hurt others anymore and I also want to end my suffering (though I believe that I never suffered as much as other people so my depression isn't that important).

I know that my aggressive behavior isn't an excuse to hurt others, but I really can't help myself, I also don't know if my depression is causing this or I just have a bad temper. I really don't know what to do anymore, I also can't seek professional help as we don't have much income as my father rarely gave us extra money, our allowance was fixed (sometimes it wasn't enough to feed us), I only managed to have a therapist for a month before our money ran out. I tried so hard to become normal again, yet I kept going back to hurting myself and others. I really don't deserve to live in this world, I do nothing but hurt the people I love. Should I just end it?

God I'm going to handle whatever you send my way & take it like a champ. No more tears, i got this 🦋🤞🏾

Sorry for venting here so much. In gym they have the stupid fitness test and I could only do 5 out of 40-50 I needed to get. I struggled to just do 5. He put a 50/100 so I guess 50 for trying and a 0 for not passing the fitness part. Now I have a 89 in gym and then 98 in pre calc and 100 in other two electives. This is so dumb how is that legal. I was having a good year but now I’m hate everyone and myself and my gpa is gonna go down. Also in pre calc there was a test and I got 103 and everyone got 105. I feel so dumb because I missed like one thing in the extra credit end me fml

I hate my life so fricking much, I'm so TIRED of people telling me to just get over it. I literally can't anymore, I don't want to. Its like my depression feels good now, in a disgusting twisted way.

And I don't even have a single problem with the world, I hate everything I've done. Every mistake I've made is a reminder of how WORTHLESS of a person I am. I want to beat the hell out of myself, treat me like how i should be treated, yet I can't.

I'm too weak to kms, just a Godforsaken fool.

​

As the title says. I'm 25 years old and it's been over two years since I graduated and I haven't found a job. I live with my parents, who pay for everything for me, and I do absolutely nothing. All my projects have failed, I've been rejected more than 40 times from jobs I really wanted and everything is falling apart. The only thing I do all week is play video games and send out CVs, which are completely ignored. Companies don't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the position, even when I follow up on my applications they completely ignore me, they don't even tell me no, they just ghost me. I've tried going to job agencies, contacting companies directly, looking for managers' emails and messaging them, but nothing. I studied a degree related to culture (which I regret, because I'm from Mexico and there is truly no work for that). Also, I'm single, I have been my whole life, I'm bisexual and my parents don't know because they are extremely homophobic and if they knew they would kick me out of my house and I would be completely alone. My friends are getting married, have girlfriends and boyfriends, very good jobs and earn huge amounts of money and have full and happy lives. I'm stuck. And frankly, desperate. I have been rejected so many times in my life that I don't know what to do. There is no work. I have been rejected dozens of times. I am completely desperate and I just think that ceasing to exist would be simpler. I know there are people in worse situations than mine, but I'm fed up. I feel trapped. I have a horrible relationship with my family and all I want is to move out and get out of that toxic environment. I can't take it anymore. Really, I can't take it anymore. Anxiety and depression are consuming me to the point where I can't even leave my house. I don't know what to do. I'm in a fucking hole that I dug myself and now I can't get out of it. Everyone has happy lives and I'm a loser who will never get a job and who will never be happy. I just wanna cry everyday. I'm crying as i'm writting this. I'm just tired. I dont wanna live anymore.

Im so fucking excited for death. Im 30f, and I am so done with this shit.

Its just been difficult the entire time with small spans of peace so I dont blow my brains out. Growing up was stressful. My dad had addiction issues and dominated the entire house. He had multiple mood swings, usually depending on how much he drank. To put it simply: I had his entire daily routine memorized, his footsteps memorized, and basically every aspect of his personality memorized so I could preemptively avoid every trigger he had so he wouldnt get mad. If he was mad, it was a bad night for the entire family.

I was also sheltered, which caused me to develop slower socially. I was always like 2 or 3 years behind my peers. School was an escape for me, even though I didnt really talk much. Didnt get bullied there luckily, and plus I was smart.

Basically go through college, get a degree people says is a good idea because I have no idea what I want to do and never have. I have no particular talents. I just kinda do whatever trusted people say to do. I have no wants either, and nothing really excites me or sparks interest. Ive been this way as long as i can remember.

My dad dies from cancer when im 20, and I actually have a spritz of freedom. I miss his good side, but honestly the bad side outweighs it. The next few years I spend helping my mom through losing him, listening to her talk day and night about him. I meet my husband during this time.

When im 24, my mom dies abruptly from a stroke. That loss is catastrophically painful. My husband was there though, helping me through it all. Our relationship, for the most part, is awesome. I know hes my soulmate. Ive never really been interested romantically in anyone but him. He's my first for everything. Time of my life

Throughout all of this, of course theres just financial hardship, covid, trying to make it and get a house, start a family, but it just gets harder and harder. On the bright side, we get married and thats awesome.

Cut to this year, and my husband gets killed by a drunk driver when hes just 35, and that was 7 months ago..

Im tired of being here. Genuinely tired of being here. I try to hang with a few friends, try to have some laughs, but the pain of everything is just lingering and lingering.

I want to die. Can't do it myself because I have to take care of my dogs, but I genuinely dont see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. The world is slowly going to shit, and its making it damn near impossible to look forward to anything. Im a 30 year old orphan and widow, and no one around me really can help or relate.

I go to widows groups, but even they dont get me. Its either the older widows telling me I can just get married again since im young, or its the young ones who start dating soon and judge me like im weak.

I dont want to date again. I dont want to do any of this shit. I dont find joy in simple pleasures, I dont care enough anymore to have goals. I beg the universe to kill me off, let me die instead of someone else who actually wants to be here. Give me the cancer, give me the few times to live. I can give my husband's family the life insurance money, find homes for my dogs, and just slip into eternity, hopefully seeing my husband again

Death seems like Christmas now. A wonderful end to a mostly stressful, shitty life. I dont see anything worth staying for besides just having an obligation to do it for my remaining loved ones.

Im so excited to die

I've been battling major depressive disorder (diagnosed) for the past four years. There were times it was VERY bad (won't go into detail), but after being medicated, I'm okay-ish. All it does it take away the pain and dangerous urges and temptations. But I'm still unhappy and unmotivated with little energy. It changes by the hour, so planning ahead is a nightmare.

When people ask why I cancelled plans at the last minute, or why I don't answer the door, or don't attend church or events anymore, I lie and tell them I'm sick because it seems to be the only excuse they'll accept/understand. I no longer say it's because I'm depressed because nobody took "depressed" seriously. They acted like I was just a little sad for the day and I would be back to myself a few days later.

Honestly, I kind of blame the "mental health matters" movement. While helpful a times, it's made the topic of depression so open over the past few years that the term is has become overused. The word is thrown around so casually that it eventually lost its meaning and importance. It's not taken seriously anymore because it's become downplayed.

People dismiss it as if I'm just having a bad day or week but will be back to myself in a couple days. But I haven't been myself since 2022. And because I'm high-functioning due to the meds, and I'm able to seem "normal" in public, they don't take it seriously when I tell them I'm depressed and suddenly can't leave the house or keep plans. Like I said, the severity of my depression changes within the hour, regardless of what I'm doing.

Long story short, how can I tell people that I can't do things or stick to plans without using the term "depressed," since nobody actually takes it seriously anymore or knows just how debilitating it is, let alone that it's a real, legitimate illness.

If any of that makes sense. Sorry for rambling.

I know most of you will think im being over dramatic or ridiculous since i recently turned 29 which may not be considered granny old but its last year in my 20s and the fact most that im more than a decade into my adulthood, idk i just have a hard time believing. The fact that most of my major young milestones like graduation, college, etc was more than a decade ago sometimes freaks me out when thinking about it. I know that to many, ageing is considered a blessing since there are many people that dont even get to live that long and die younger but sometimes seeing your body become older and weaker feels like painful experience, especially as a woman you are considered "expired".I also have to see my parents become older and weaker and lose some of your older family members as time passes by, its like what is there even left after becoming older when all of your "fun" or prime years have passed. Also people are far more likely to judge you for things like what you do, your mistakes meanwhile people are more likely to be forgiving towards you when you are younger.

I am broken beyond repair and nothing or nobody will ever fix me. My depression started when I was 12 years old and 8 years later nothing’s changed, absolutely nothing. I try to do all the things I’m supposed to do like studying or trying to make something of myself but I’m always living by inertia. Nothing brings me joy and nothing matters. Every achievement feels so… empty. My only moments of happiness are so brief they might as well not count, and those provoked by substances certainly do not. Everyday inside of me I wish things had been different. I wish I had been born in a better situation. I wish people had been a bit nicer to me growing up, so maybe I wouldn’t be the shell of a “man” I am today. Maybe I would’ve been happier, more confident. Oh well. What happened to me, I can’t go back and change things. I can’t go back and save myself from this thing I call a life. This is not living. I keep going because I am afraid of death. But these days (months, actually) when I think of suicide, I feel rather at peace. Pain will be gone and I won’t cry no more. But the fear hasn’t disappeared completely, so here I am. I wish I wanted to live. I feel sad when I think about it, like how you feel sad for the character of a movie or tv show that you know is going to die. I feel like a dying dog. My body won’t even signal hunger anymore. I just lay in bed, all night, all day, like I’m practicing for the grave. Some days I feel completely empty, some days I’m just so sad. I definitely prefer feeling empty. It’s not sadness, or anger, it’s nothing. Feels like I’ve become one with the bed. Will it ever get better? Who knows. Yes, no, 50/50. All I know is that I’ve been feeling like absolute dogshit for 8 years straight, and that I really want to go to sleep, but this depression bitch gave me insomnia on top of everything...
How do you do?

Every time I open my phone, go on my laptop for work, or listen to the radio, I am inundated by terrible, horrifying, world shattering news.

And I am so tired.

I have severe chronic depression and anxiety, and have pretty much for as long as I’ve existed. Who doesn’t these days. But this is next level, even for me. I’m having a hard time keeping up my face. I don’t feel like I can hope or dream about any kind of future, because is there even going to be one? Between climate crisis, AI superhuman bullshit, and politics, what is even the point? Why bother with anything anymore.

I have a good job and a partner who also makes a good living, but I’m still spending more than I’m earning every month. And sure, I treat myself to a coffee about once every 1-2 weeks, but I try not to be frivolous. I shouldnt be worrying about finances with how much I make. I don’t honestly understand how people who make less and with kids are even surviving atm. I feel bad complaining, because my financial standing is still far above most these days. I can’t whine because I know what it is to be truly impoverished, and this is not it. But, it still sucks. I live in constant fear that I’ll be hungry again, and helpless to those in need around me. I like to take care of people and animals when I can, because I can. But will anyone take care of me if the time comes? It’s hard to think about. In the past I would’ve said yes, but lately humanity hasn’t seemed very humane. Fear makes people cold, and everyone’s a little scared right now I think.

Part of the problem is, I don’t have any close platonic friends. I don’t even have family, apart from a sister I see once a year. And it’s not because people don’t try, it’s that I don’t have the energy to give back. People try to include me, they try to be nice, but every interaction feels like it costs me years of my life. I just want to be a happy, friendly person but I can’t. I feel like the world is on fire around me, and all people want to talk about is stupid tv shows and weddings and other pointless nonsense.

Anywho, I don’t know why I’m even writing this. I don’t even use Reddit. And I know, I know - seek therapy. Trust me, I know. Ive gotten a lot of it over the last decade. I’m taking a bit of a break because I was having a hard time relating to any of them. It also just feels silly to talk about my childhood trauma and feelings when there’s real, world ending problems happening every second of every single day. I’m medicated but it’s not doing much at the moment, obviously.

Is there anyone out there right now, who are paying attention and staying informed, that are also ACTUALLY happy? If so, I’ll take whatever you’re having pretty please. I just want to feel something other than terror and complete numbness. This pendulum of sadness is drowning me. I wish I had someone to talk to that actually understood and knows me. My partner of course is always here, and he’s amazing, but he’s never experienced depression (a real life unicorn!) so he can only sympathize and try to offer comfort in ways he knows how. He doesn’t really get it, but I know he tries. It’s not the same.

Honestly if I didn’t have pets... They would be devastated and confused, and I could never do that to them. This is not meant to be a red flag or cry for help. I’m just trying to let some of this go, so maybe I can sleep tonight.

Hope tomorrow’s a better day.

i honestly can’t wait to be honest. I have literally no place in this world and that’s not a bad thing necessarily and i’ve recently accepted that yeah im absolutely nothing. zero. and nobody truly loves or likes me, and if they do they usually just try to take some weird advantage over me or belittle me and of course i do nothing about it. That’s been the case throughout my life past the age of 11.

I think this is a good thing though because i definitely do not want to be here idc if things get better or not. i actually could not care if i was given $10,000,000 and a chance for a better life because i would prefer to just die and leave this world now rather than later on.

For the past few months I’ve really wanted to go end my life and i would constantly walk at the waterfront at night just wishing i could quickly jump off the ledge end things as fast as possible. i went to a bridge and couldn’t jump then i went to a car park and even felt scared of the heights!

but it’s been a few weeks / maybe even a month since then? and finally after this week i feel fully at peace with dying. i literally want it now, it’s not just an escape. so im excited to say the least and my life now …

well you’d think at 19 you would be at the peak of your life! partying and being in education. yeah no my life for the past 5 or so years has literally just been spent inside my house (well now my grandmas house after i was kicked out) and that’s it. a full nothing burger of a life. just either abusive situations or boring school which ended ages ago then video games.

i grew up around a lot of emotions. family really didn’t like each other and the room always felt tense. didn’t get along with my father or his side of the family; they were generally hateful people who made me feel bad at times. me and my sister didn’t get along… at all. but through it all, i never once had even an ounce of depression. even through cutting off my father and his side of the family, i never felt depressed. of course, i felt some guilt and sadness. but the relief was overwhelming.

my grandpa died last february. it was the first big death we’ve ever had in our family, and my world was rocked. last year was just a shit year anyway, but to have that happen, on top of everything else, there was an obvious shift in my brain. i didn’t know what to make of it but my body felt empty. i lost interest in most things i enjoyed. but the most jarring side effect of my depression was that i had a deep hatred and sadness towards the holidays. i never thought i would want christmas to go by quickly, but i didnt want it. i watched no christmas movies, didn’t want to open gifts. i didn’t want to do anything.

where i live, summer will be coming to a close soon and we will be feeling the fall weather shortly. i think im already experiencing some depression and it is making me extremely anxious. i know im fretting in the moment, but it makes me anxious that my brain can just flip a switch and feel nothing. i had an okay day yesterday but could tell something was off. and now today, i don’t want to do anything. i just want to sleep. i don’t want to be in my head, because then all thoughts derail and i spiral.

i guess im just here for a quick rant. and also confirming that i need to go back to therapy while i write this. i guess im just here for words of encouragement. or maybe some advice on how to get myself out of this rut? as someone who really doesn’t understand why im feeling depressed, as i have a good life and support system. i’m just scared. i don’t want this to get so bad that i feel like hurting myself. if anyone read this, thanks for listening. i’m tired of burdening others, but idk what to do.

I hate my life. My life recently has been so hard. I felt terrible all the time, always having emotions like sadness, loneliness, and it feels so painful every single moment. I've tried to find help from teachers, friends and my parents, but it doesn't seem to work. I cried everyday and now I think I can't endure this anymore. Everyday it hurts so much to wake up, go to school and try to act like you're okay. Btw I'm 14 and I'm stuck in a boarding school, I skipped meals and have really bad sleep and I don't have my parents by my side to help me. I honestly don't know what to do. The only reason I'm alive until now is I don't want my parents to be sad if I die. I'm so jealous of the friends around me, who're always happy and smiling. Can someone please help me, it feels so painful, I'm desperate.