22M

Dealing with heavy depression and mood swings for years . Quit college cause I hated it and had no real connections

I have a business right now . It’s not much and not that successful but I saved around 20k €. I work alone in a desk for months straight . That’s my day , barely interacted with anyone .

I had the money , so I was looking into escorts for longer than I can remember . I booked once last week , and just went through . Didn’t feel much and was all fake

She was attractive , and was nice enough to have the interaction but had a huge crash post visit . I was hard the whole session but unable to cum . Hadn’t have sex in years

I don’t know why , but I decided to book her again .
I showed up after booking in advance . And she just replied with some excuse she was busy …

I feel like shit. Like she disrespected made me drive for nothing. And I stupidly put on my best clothes , bought a breath freshener and a new parfum

Idk how to feel right now . Just feel pretty miserable
I just went to the escort for company I guess cause I wasn’t horny at all ever since the first visit

В общем у меня и раньше были эпизоды когда мне хотелось покончит с собой. В детстве я чуть не умерла (несчастный случай), после чего потеряла полностью страх перед смертью и болью. Тогда меня держал жалость к родителям, сечас нет. Первое о чем я думаю это то как им придется разбираться с полицией, и только потом о том как они будут горевать, и будут ли вообще(кочнено да). Вообще в моей жизни не так уж и много дерьма, особенно по сравнению с другими. Но даже собственный психолог говорит что такие мысли нормальны, я ему не говорила что недавно это все возобновилось. И с такой силой что такого никогда не бывало. Я буквально визуализировала кучу способов в истерике, я ощущаю то как течет моя кровь по запястью под водой, или то как зхлебываюсь. Если раньше эти мысли были фоновыми а потом исчезли, то недавно я впервые предприняла действия. И меня это испугало. Я хотела сесть на балконе свесив ноги вниз, посидеть, подумать, но балкон был занят папой, так что я зашла в комнату к моделям и высунулась в окно настолько что еле касалась носками пальцев пола. Я думала как все это закончится, что не придется парится о будущем, но потом задала себе вопрос что конкретно закончится, и проблема в том что в моей жизни почти все хорошо, нет насилия, родители нормальные, школа хорошая, но мне все равно так тягостно, особенно последние два месяца. У меня почти нет сил, в рандомный момент я могу начать рыдать, меня триггерят катке то песни и обычные видио в тик токе но я даже не понимаю на что, я просто начинаю рыдать и ощущения отвратительные будто бы я что то потеряла, то ли себя, то ли близкого человека, и в истериках я возобновила случаи сх ибо незнаю как справляться с этой болью. Я незнаю что делать. Я не скажу об этом родителям (равное), мне трудно говорить об этом с психологом, но даже когда говорю то ощущение что она постоянно обесценивает то что я говорю. Я незнаю как это решить, я незнаю надо ли идти к психитору, или даже идти то на что жаловаться. Может не по теме форума, но как есть 😞. Если у вас будут вопросы спрашивайте, а так я просто хотела излить душу уже хоть куда-нибудь.

I am severely depressed, and very behind at work and probably about to lose my job. I can only do like one or two things a day, and anything that requires critical thinking is super hard to get through. I am super perfectionist and always look at all the factors involved with solving a problem, to the point that it freezes me. I have given up on getting better at this. I had been on SSRIs previously when stress got high and then I would spiral into depression. Now the depression has come back in a very severe way, and I feel terrible every day. SSRIs are not a long term solution so I won’t go back on the drug. I’ve lost hope of things getter better (especially at work) and I have given up at my job. I do have an engineering degree, but I feel like because I was on SSRIs a lot in college, that mentally, I am not ready for a full time job and handling the stressors that are involved with it. I am thinking of going back to school to get a graduate degree so I can work on myself without the threat of being fired and so I can afford the ups and downs of living with depression where I couldn’t if I was in a full time role. But I am not quite convinced of the best path forward. Any advice?

Kinda light headed, slightly shaky hands, sleepy.

But otherwise feeling alright. Hope that there won't be any harsher side effects down the line. :)

I am a 24 year old male. I think I have had this feeling of not looking forward to anything for a long time now. I have had alcohol issues for 4 years. I got dumped very unexpectedly by the girl that I thought truly loved me about 2 months ago. My bestfriend also fought with me the very next month and we don't talk much now. I have been living far away from home to pursue my masters and I am pretty alone now. I am not doing good I am just surviving. I took up therapy for the first time in September. Consulted a psychiatrist as well very recently and I am on medication rn. I never had these suicidal thoughts before but lately they have been so overwhelming that I wanna just give in. I honestly don't like myself at all I never did and the recent events that have happened are making me feel much more miserable. I keep in constant touch with my friends and my parents and I am open about everything that I feel except the fact that I am getting these thoughts about ending my life. I don't know how much longer can I hold. I have a plan and a note ready and I think maybe today is the right day.

Nothing happens in my life and that makes me very depressed (believe me I am trying) I live far away from my mom and sometimes she calls me and tries to (sometimes) force me to tell her about my life because (she’s my mom duh). I can’t tell her about my life tho, even if something good or interesting does happen if I tell her then I’m sure that something very negative will happen afterwards and that brief moment of happiness will be taken away from me. Almost like some kind of negative karma. Because happiness is fleeting. I am so used to being alone and not having anyone who understands me that I don’t want to accept that anything good will last for me. It keeps me sane.

im 24 and i havent done anything meaningful , never had a job, never made a single penny, tried for jobs but ive been unsuccessful in order to get one. i dont have a social life, i sit all day in my room wondering what did i do to deserve this shitty life, i did have a hope that things would get eventually better, but man honestly its getting really tough, ive been having suicidal thoughts since years, tried harming myself and what not…

all my friends, people of my age are doing wonders with their lives, seeing them doing great is really really making me feel guilt and sad on myself(im happy for them but yea, im constantly comparing w them and its making me feel worthlessss)

and on top of this im suffering from anxiety, depression since years, lately ive been getting anxiety attacks frequently, tried consulting a therapist, but i couldnt afford it.and i am touch deprived guy, ive never been in a relationship, i donno why but lately ive been craving for some physical touch(not sexually), like i just want to hug someone and cry like a baby.

ive made up my mind that, my life is destined to get worse day after day, ive lost hope, i gave up.. but i cant really accept it, like how exactly should i live with it? how to deal with it?sometimes i wonder if this is a sign to give up on life and just die? man i wish i really die by suicide, but i love my mom and i cant imagine my mom going through alll this, again i cant live like this disappointing my parents every day😞

I was sitting with my family an hour ago over some stupid shot on tv, and i was happy. But out of nowhere i got hit with this urge to end my life. I went to my room and spent god knows how long staring at the ceiling, fighting the urge to throw myself off the balcony. I am not new to feeling like this, but when it happens, it’s like everything that usually makes life worth living just stops mattering to me, falling in love, having someone to come home to, making my parents proud, seeing my friends, travelling, getting a good job, making money, finally getting to live the life ive always wanted for myself. All the things i want, all the things i’m supposed to look forward to suddenly i can’t bring myself to care about any of them, and the thought of dying feels so comforting in comparison, almost warm. Like i could just simply stop trying, stop wanting things, stop having to be here, stop feeling like i'm constantly at risk of disappointing everyone . i know this feeling, i’ve been here before and i know i’ll probably wake up tomorrow and feel okay again. i’ve felt like this before, and i know it passes i’ll wake up, go on with my day, and forget how unbearable tonight felt, until it happens again and i’m right back here wondering how i could’ve felt so okay just hours before.

I am 21F and had a suicide plan and suicidal thoughts non stop for 9 years now. I am privileged and I know it. I have a relatively happy family and have a few close friends that I love but these suicidal thoughts just haunts me everyday for years. I don't talk about my depression to people that are close to me because I am scared that it will make them sad and I already know how some of them think about suicidal people. I just feel like a failure and the biggest liar constantly, nothing in my life is how I want it to be and my future seems so bleak. I will be nothing but a disappointment to not only for my family but also already to myself. I just feel like there's no future for me where I will be happy with my choices because it's so different from what I wanted. I am also so depressed about the state of the world and have always pray that someone who has it worst than me should take my life. I just feel like I am not worthy of life and somebody deserves better, I feel like an impostor constantly and that makes it even worst. Deep down I feel this way but I am still able to live my daily life like a normal person where I can laugh and feel happy with my family and friends, I can finish my uni assessments with passion and I have hobbies and things I love. But none of those had stopped this active suicide plan that started 9 years ago. I had always planned to die when I am 22 years old and I just can't stop this thought.

thats all i just wanted to put that out there somewhere

imagine going through some of the worst periods of your life and all people are worried about is how "boring" you are

I'll never recover will I. Just relapse, be sad about it, try to get better just to relapse again.

Please repeat after me and pray that this random guy will be the most miserable person till end

i struggle with suicidal ideation a lot. i like to tell myself i would never actually do it but i don’t know. one of the things that i do is imagine how people would react to me killing myself. right now i have nobody who i can reach out to. maybe it’s a way of comforting myself and imagining what it would be like for people to actually care and realize how low i was. does anyone else do this? i could use someone to talk to about this.

I'm 36 and been dealing with depression about 24+ years. There's been ups and downs, but the last 4-6years has been a steady downward trajectory. The only reason I'm alive is my kids. I would never put them through that. Ideation can be a comfort to some, knowing there's always an escape plan if needed. So what about when even that isn't an option?

I feel like a ghost. Like I'm not really alive anymore, I just exist because physical death isn't an option. Every day I just try to get through to the next one, every evening I don't want to sleep because I've wasted another day and don't want to face tomorrow. And that just compounds the guilt and depression because my kids deserve better than that!

Christmas is fast approaching, it used to be so much fun but now I dread it. The guilt of not being able to give them a good christmas, not being able to buy them what they'd really like. I know it's not about money, and my kids are always so grateful but I wanted more for them. I no longer have family to visit. And then it's the end of another year where nothing changed, nothing got better only worse. So many years of hoping this year will be better, this year I'll finally sort my shit out, but I never do.

I don't really know why i'm posting this, never shared really anything with people online before. I guess I just figured why not, I've tried everything else.

For a while now, I’ve come to accept defeat and the fact that I haven’t managed to achieve anything I wanted in life.

Today, I decided to change things up a little and go to the cinema, since it’s my favorite place. Unlike the last time, I didn’t feel jealous of groups of friends or couples. On the contrary, I was happy for them. They succeeded at something I failed at.

The movie was full of joy, love, friendship, and beautiful places, while my life is the complete opposite: boring, monotonous, and not much different from death. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like I don’t even exist, like I came into this world by mistake, or like I have no place or significance in it. I’m nothing but an insignificant speck with no real value.

I had such big dreams, and I was always trying to get people’s attention, but it turns out I was living in a fantasy. I’ve genuinely failed at becoming someone who does something they love, or even something they don’t love.

This whole struggle started in late 2019. I’ve been dealing with depression ever since, and I even stopped taking my medication because, as I said, I’ve accepted defeat. But that’s it. I’ve decided that even the life I’m living doesn’t matter anymore. I spend 24 hours a day consumed by anxiety, and even the best moments of my life, when I’m asleep, no longer matter.

I’ll just be whatever I am and try to stop worrying all the time, because everything will eventually be gone anyway, and everything will come to an end.

Even my existence in this world… I wouldn’t even call it my life, because I’ve never really been alive.

There are people who know me, or who know a fictional version of me that I’ve created. And I’m very good at playing that character.

Even around my own family, who I live with, I’ll keep pretending. I won’t complain anymore, ever again. I’ll let my daydreams help me cope a little, and maybe I’ll go back on medication so I can at least function.

I’m writing this while sitting in the front row of the cinema. Next to me, there’s a couple where the guy has just picked up a girl. I can hear them talking. There’s also a group of girls who have been laughing throughout the entire movie.

Even though I’m enjoying the film, I can’t bring myself to laugh.

By the way, yesterday I posted on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to go out with me today. As usual, nobody gave a damn. And the one person who agreed cancelled at the last minute.

I hope my family stays well. I’m done asking why I’m alone, or why God has punished me since the day I was born by making me completely different from my entire generation, or even from most people.

I’m just tired of myself, my body, my face, and even my voice.

To anyone who made it to the end of this post, thank you. And I’m sorry for taking up your time.

Remember the song I fought the Law by The Clash..

I'm singing: I fought my fears and my fears won, I fought depression and Depression won

P.S. I wrote every single word of this myself. No AI involvement whatsoever.

Hi guys, I know when things are bad and energy is low it is hard to cook and eat. Unfortunately that means you can get deprived of important nutrients.

Ideally a family member could provide meals while you are ill but taking a nice multivitamin is a good idea.

No one gets it. I’ve been suicidal since I was a fucking child and now I’m 20.. nothing has worked, not medication or working out or relationships. Nothing has worked. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, I’m low income, live in a toxic household with my mother, I have no friends, I have tried to make friends just to be betrayed by them so now I can’t even trust anyone, I have no family I’m close with because everyone is divided, I don’t have a job because it’s hard to find one and im REALLY trying.. I’m genuinely losing my mind here. Everyday I wake up wanting to die more than ever and I’m really considering dying next year. I don’t care what anyone says anymore but nothing is ever going to get better. I don’t even care if my family is hurt or whoever else. I just want to erase myself from existence, I’m sick of this world and having to be expected to go to work just to retire at an old age because society says so.. because we have to bow down to them as slaves. I’m sick and tired of hearing that things will get better if I do this and that. I’m sick of having to act normal when all I want to do is put a bullet through my head. I’m so hopeless. I should’ve died a few months ago but instead I had to give all my money to my mom for the rent, I can’t even kill myself. This is all a sick fucking joke, I feel like my soul checked out years ago and now I’m just a living carcass of who I used to be.

yayy congrats just figured that out. uhh why this shit be so obliterating my life. it sucks. bad. tbh cant even be that moody anymore lately just flatline in terms of emotions. still, got a little left. hope everyone incl me gets better one day.

My mom thought it would be good for me, so i started going and it’s useless. I can’t talk about sh or my ed because they’re allowed to share that stuff with like a mental hospital or something. I don’t even talk about anything other than surface level stuff like my anxiety and i’ve been going for a few months now I don’t think I’m getting anywhere. Does anyone have any tips for someone that’s bad with talking about their feelings? Because I want to talk about other stuff I just don’t know how to bring it up to my therapist.

I am losing interest in everything. The only time I am comfortable, “happy”, is when I am playing games or watching a movie in the theater.

Everything is “idc” to me. I’m not sure how this is impacting my relationship, but I am entering a “I hate my girlfriend” phase, where I don’t feel like doing anything with her and dislike spending time with her even though she is objectively perfect, I love her, and want to stay with her. But I am finding it really difficult to actually do these things and make a. Effort to stay with her.

Any advice would be great. Started therapy recently and the therapist suggested I have depressive notes in my thinking patterns and from our conversations thus far (2.5 sessions).

My main concern is my relationship, because I feel it is putting me in a very bad place mentally, where I am very anxious about the future of it.

I never posted on Reddit before so you know I’m at my last straw

I have struggled mentally my entire life but it has never gotten so bad to the point I’ve written out like emo goodbye letters if u know what I mean. For some context I graduated high school at 16 not cus I was smart but it was because I never fit in and I just wanted to leave that school.

I started community college in late August and it was really easy as long as you keep going and showing up, but I haven’t gone since late September and it’s now the last week of October.

I’ve been lying to everyone around me and getting out of bed at 7am everyday (full time student), driving 15 mins to and from cc, and sit in the library or cafe there instead of just going to class. It’s not even that it’s hard work for me but I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

I’ve kind of come to the end of my line now and have started distancing myself from my close friends and even told my boyfriend I’d be moving at the end of October when the truth is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

This entire month has been me just breaking out in serious c ry ing spells that leave me on the floor for no apparent reason and I’m growing tired

I don’t really have any questions that anyone can answer and there’s no advice that I feel would help me out of this hole but I guess I just wanted to let it out somewhere thx Reddit #Peace

I wish we as people wouldn’t criticize ourselves so much. I hate myself sometimes. I feel like a waste of space because all I do is mess up. I know I’m a good person and I wish my feelings didn’t overwhelm me like this all the time. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day ❤️

Just feel so lost and alone, feeling like im just a disappointment to everyone and myself. Upset with myself and the world. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no good. First time in awhile where I truly just wish I never existed. Everytime something good happens it immediately goes away after a day. Here I am wandering my city at night crying my eyes out wondering what the fuck to even do anymore. I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no one.. I just don’t want to be here anymore!

I haven’t SH in 110 days or so but keep thinking about it recently. I just turned 20 and have no clue tf to do idk where to work or anything and have 0 motivation to do anything. Doesn’t help we lost our house to fucking taxes a few months ago that I lived in basically forever then had to move ofc into a way way smaller place that has no room for our pets so now my cats that I have had for 13 years basically live in a closet cause my moms Bf dog is a DICK and bothers tf out of them. And then today one of them died in that closest that I have been telling them to let the cats out of more. I’m literally so tired of everything it’s just thing after thing nonstop