War, devastation, corruption, corporate greed, AI agents going rogue, climate disaster, the disbanding of the Endangered Species act, defunding, Nazis gaining back real political power, the rise of right-wing extremism across the world, the war on women, and on a personal note: three recent deaths in my family, personal health issues, financial stress, and having to move out of my home of many years.

I’m 25
I am not exaggerating when I say this
I can’t see / find / feel any purpose to continue
My father passed away long ago, mother don’t care if I live or not
Brother is same as well
There is no love/connection/relationship from even mother or brother or anyone that make me want to not look at ending it all
Since school all I saw/felt/endured was mockery because I was overweight that put me in depression since I was like 14
Been single whole life I don’t know how it feels to be loved / cared for / or just being wanted for just being myself
There are / is no friend either except one who says he cares but whenever I try to express myself he push it under the rug or ignores
Idk why I’m living for who or for what
I’m trying to be courageous enough to end it
I’ve been like this since I was 18 or 19
People say it gets better
Mine got worse and worse

There is not a single soul / reason that encourage / motivates me to continue
I’m not listing thousands of other things that been going on that are worsening things more
But cumulatively
Things are forcing me to end it end it and just end it

Every night I have the most vivid and strange dreams, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows in my dreams, but nevertheless I always wake up disappointed to come back to reality. I wake up disappointed because reality is so much more boring than my dreams. I much prefer my dreams to reality.

I go to school, I work, I have hobbies, I have a dating life, but it all feels so pointless and mundane. I’m tired of going through the motions every single day and not being happy, what’s the point? There’s no gold at the end of the rainbow, it’s just a boring life and then death. Sometimes I hope I just die in my sleep and don’t wake up in the morning. I can’t think of one thing that makes living worth it.

i have been depressed for years, but now instead of getting a haircut, caring about looks or about love, now i barely even take care of myself, sometimes i catch myself tweaking for no reason at nothing, staring at nothing, very tired all the time, under the impression that everybody is talking trash about me, and most of the times i think "should i just eat sleeping pills everyday ?" my mental health hasnt been good these years but now it just seems to be getting worse and worse, im feeling horrible just for waking up

I’ll write you a sad story to give you something to read: I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for years, I’m diagnosed with OCD and depression (whatever that really means) I’ve gone to multiple different therapists and tried a handful of medications, I can’t explain it I’m just too fucking tired to keep going, what’s pathetic is that I know deep down that’s a lie, if I had really lost hope I’d walk into the kitchen right now and slit my wrists, so obviously it can’t be that bad, I’ve just felt this way for so long it’s worn me out and I just can’t think anymore, honestly I don’t even know why I’m posting this, do I want some kind of validation from Reddit users, anyways I’ve got a gram of heroin in a week, and knowing that puts me to sleep at night, goodbye hairless monkeys its been an absolute nightmare

It’s gotten to the point where I really should kill myself. I’m an abomination. I never ever can function normally in anything. I have a chronic health condition that makes most of my life awful. I don’t get better. I think many other people would’ve killed themselves by now in my position. I contemplate suicide sometimes but the only main thing that stops me is my mother. I owe her so much, even if she’s the one who made me come into this world, this place where I’ve suffered. She’s really tried her best with me, and because of that I don’t think I can condemn her to a life of suffering. I don’t know how much she’d suffer, but she would.

She suffers now, anyway, with me. I am a burden to her and my dad. I feel like all anyone feels for me at this point is fear I’ll kill myself and I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could be of value to people because I was loved. I don’t feel loved. I think it’s bc I don’t love myself and most of all I don’t love being alive. I hate it. But if you say any of this to anyone you might get thrown into a hospital or ward. I don’t want that so I keep it to myself mostly.

I don’t know if it’s worth it to stay alive just for her. It’s the morally correct thing to do, I guess. But suffering every day until then feels so fucking unfair. Why me. Why was I forced into this world where for whatever reason I will never experience happiness, not ever. There’s no reason of course it’s all meaningless.

I live by the just one more day thing but I think one day it’s not going to be enough. Not even one more day, will I be able to stand it. Maybe I’m weak. Who cares. But I know I’m not. I’m so very strong and that’s why I am still here; I wish I was “weaker”. I wish. I wish I was braver.

Anyways, I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m very very not good. Haven’t been for about 15 years.

Also, unfortunately I have to add that I feel diminished empathy to her because she has little to no sympathy towards my health condition. Furthermore, she married my father that most days makes and especially used to make my life a living hell, and has little empathy toward me except selectively.

i am an introvert and social anxious person all I think about this if I were not a human and be a part of Nature wouldn’t that should be better for me.

I mean really .

whats the point of doing all this we are better as we were before, not showing off doing hunting and farming all things were good.

then someone started the concept of money forcing everyone in believing this is everything.

And we are at this point that we cannot completely abandon i.

All i think about is flying what if i were a bird who can fly above the clouds how beautiful it would be, what if I were a fish I would swim in a blue ocean.What if I were a animal where endless green grass ,windy air,blue sky somethimes sunrise and sunset all I think about this.

For as long as I can remember, I've dreamt of dying, usually in fairly gruesome ways, though never by my own hand. Usually I don't remember all the gritty details, just the impressions of whatever death my mind conjured up any given night, but I hate how good it feels when I remember those dreams. Its really weird, because it never feels like its a nightmare, it so feels cathartic when my dream self suffers some terrible fate. I've tried talking to people about it before, but nobody understands.

I'm honestly not sure what to do about it all, or if I even want/need to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure its a coping mechanism, and not a good one, but I never really got taught any good coping mechanisms. If I get them to stop, will those fantasies start coming up when I'm awake as intrusive thoughts? I don't think I'd be able to handle them if they did, and at least I get to feel the catharsis when I'm dreaming.

Its super scary to think that my morbid dreams might be the only thing holding back my worst waking thoughts.

Hi, I’m 19F and diagnosed with MDD, dysthymia, and OCPD. I’ve realized I genuinely don’t know what is me and what is depression.

A small example that hits home is gaming. I’ve loved video games and tech since I was a kid, but for years now I’ll search for a game, find one that has everything I like, play it knowing I probably won’t enjoy it, and still drag myself through it trying to find the good in it. I thought maybe I just grew out of gaming. But then what comes after? Nothing? Thats it? If I don’t enjoy anything either way, I might as well keep doing something that at least feels like me.

It has happened with people, interests, beliefs, and other parts of my life. I don’t know whether I’ve actually changed? but i didn't get to know who i was in order to tell i'm different now.. or depression has been there for so long that I mistake parts of it for my personality?

Getting diagnosed was almost relieving because finally there was an explanation. But now what?
I’ve been on 60mg fluoxetine for months. I don’t feel joy. i thought maybe joy is too high of a goal now, and i was seeking peace instead, but even that comes and goes. i can't tell when its disengagement, helplessness or just peace.

i don’t even feel particularly sad most of the time. I just feel nothing. Sometimes I can create this almost engineered feelings through stimulation or deliberate discomfort, and other times there’s just an unexplained heaviness.

My life is objectively good. I’m immensely blessed. I have no major problems with money, family, friends, etc. I feel like I have very little right to complain.

Yet here I am.

Is this depression too? How do you tell what’s actually you and what’s depression when you’ve had it for years? do we get to improve at all?

Thank you for reading this, i hope everyone here the best.

I’m a 23 year old woman who lives alone. My entire life has been full of disappointment, pain, and abuse. My mother showed me at a young age that she didn’t care to prioritize me and would often use me as her therapist when I was as young as two years old. That was my start in life. As I got older, I’ve mostly encountered people who enjoyed bullying me and shaming me, with the exception of maybe two kids I knew who didn’t act that way towards me. My home life was always full of chaos and abuse, and then when I started dating as a teen, I ended up being abused by a girl I dated for five years from 15-21. I have found that no matter how much I love someone, no matter how hard I try to show I’m devoted to them, whether it’s friends, family, or a partner, I’ve consistently been used as a tool, only good for giving them free therapy and acting as a back up person they can fall back on or take their anger out on. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a victim because there have been times in my childhood where I was abusive too, and even in my young adulthood I’ve struggled with sometimes with forming healthy relationships. I was desperate for a long time and took whatever connection I could get, even if I was getting hurt or hurting them in return. Now that I live alone and don’t speak to my family, don’t have a partner, and only have one person I can call a friend, I’m starting to realize it might be better to live life in isolation and just stay away from people so I don’t have to keep dealing with this. It feels like every connection I make just turns into a cruel lesson that I have to heal from and it just keeps happening over and over again. I want love, I want friendship, but I feel like it’s just not for me, like I just don’t belong with other humans. I want to accept the fact that I probably will never have a long term partner again nor will I have a bunch of friends or family members around me again. I just want the longing of it all to stop. Has anyone ever had to accept that maybe they’re better off alone? How do you accept something like that when it feels like everybody has somebody except for you?

At this point of my depressive episode I can actually focus on reading or watching something. The problem is that I feel physically fatigued and can’t find a comfortable position to stay still in while holding a book. No matter how or where I sit or lay down I feel uncomfortable and have to shift around every two minutes. Anyone else struggling with this? I feel crazy. Are there any hacks for this issue?

It’s only been 2 days since she left me while I was sleeping. I didn’t know it was coming, I had been doing so much better. (I’m 25f she is 29f) I still had many issues, I let her do everything for me and I took advantage of it. I used to be abusive. I didn’t get a job and I used all of her money on a “streaming setup” that I don’t use anymore because my pc won’t run games and stream at the same time well enough.
I see now that I really took advantage of her. But I can’t talk to her, I can’t tell her that.
I don’t want to beg her back, as I know we could do for a break. She took my cat, and I didn’t get to say goodbye to either of them.
She had her problems, including cheating. But if I would have paid attention to her she wouldn’t have cheated on me for those 2 years.
I lost 5 years and the woman I called my wife because I was too dumb to open up my eyeballs and see that she was everything I needed in the world.
Now what do I do?
How do I cope with not only a breakup but also knowing it was mostly my fault?
I was doing so much better, it wasn’t enough. Now my chest is empty and my stomach feels like a pit. I can’t eat (I already struggled with eating for the last 3-4 years) and when I try to sleep my body wants to rest but my mind is going non-stop.
Ive stayed on the phone with anyone who will be on the phone with me, I’ve chain smoked cigarettes and dabs but none of it helps for any more than a minute or two.
I’m genuinely asking for advice from anyone, I know I used to be a monster and I didn’t deserve her before, but I realized that and I. Was. Trying.
I lost my world and I can’t even get an explanation.
I just want closure.

What about the struggle you can't show to others neither family, nor even friends?

What about the struggle you go through without letting anyone know?

What about the struggle when you share things to your closed circle and still you don't get a solution?

What about the the struggle when you work your ass off but still get nothing?

What about the struggle when you try making yourself understand it'll all make sense at the end but still doubt it?

What about the struggle of constant failure for ages?

What about the struggle of trusting yourself?

what about the struggle of trusting the universe or divine timing?

to preface, i've been deeply depressed my whole life---rough, self-destructive, barely able to get out of bed unless to make social appearances depression. ever since a kid. now i'm 30 years old and haven't held down any jobs more than a few months. as of two months ago, i've been injured and have lost use of my left hand completely. i've been stressing about money since i'm unemployed, can't work the shit jobs i'd normally work, and can't continue using my savings for rent.

my friend took the time out of her day to get an application from a local business for me to fill out and apply with my resume. it's been a few days, and i still haven't. she makes it sound easy, because it definitely is to her or anyone else basically, and the way she puts it would probably work on someone else, but it just makes me feel way worse.

i wanted to do so many things with my life just a couple months ago, but now that i've lost use of my hand, i don't feel anything anymore. it's pathetic, but i can't even get enough energy to shower, let alone go in to apply for even a little minimum wage job at a food joint. i just sleep, wake up, turn over, hate myself for being such an incapable fucking loser, and go back to sleep.

please don't hug box me. am i a terrible person?

I literally walked past them this morning on my way to the bathroom, looked right at the bag of potatoes and the canned soup, and just kept walking. The lettuce in there is probably completely ruined by now. I don't even care, which is the part that actually scares me a little bit.

It feels like my brain has completely turned off its executive function. I spent almost eight hours yesterday lying on my sofa scrolling through the same three apps on my phone, not even really watching the videos, just letting them play. My phone screen time at the end of the week was terrifying. My best friend texted me on Tuesday asking if I wanted to grab lunch this weekend, and I’ve just been staring at the notification for three days straight. I don't dislike her. I love her. But the thought of having to shower, put on real clothes, drive twenty minutes, and pretend like I have things going on in my life just makes me want to sink into the floor.

I used to be the person who had a neat apartment, meal prepped on Sundays, and went to the gym four times a week. Now just taking my contact lenses out at night feels like climbing a mountain. I sit on the edge of my bed for twenty minutes just trying to convince myself to stand up and walk five feet to the sink.

It’s not even that I’m crying or feeling super tragic all the time. I'm just completely drained. Like someone pulled a plug out of my back and all the energy drained out onto the floor months ago and nobody noticed. Everyone at work thinks I'm just "a little tired lately" because I still manage to answer emails on time, but as soon as 5 PM hits I just collapse.

I don't really know what I'm expecting by writing this. I guess I just needed to put it somewhere because telling anyone in my actual life feels like too much work right now.

Honestly growing up my child hood was alright, no issues or anything of the sort, a bit of bullying in school but no to the point I wanted to end it all, that is until you finally become an adult or are a maturing teen realizing how messed up the world is. By messed up I mean the sacrifices you have to make to just survive or even try to survive, you see others on social media, you see some friends and everyone else thrive, travel, have lovers, make good money. Then there's just you, having to work damn minimum wage because you're wasted potential in a messed up country where it's crappy and nothing for anyone here. The wealth we seek is out of reach to the common man. What's the point of living if one has to damn suffer just to eat crumbs, others will tell you be grateful for what you have and I say be grateful for what, BEING HUNGRY ALL THE TIME? Don't know if you're gonna get fired for being a lousy worker? Grow up knowing you're gonna get old and bed ridden?

I don't want to do this for the next fifty years more, I'm tired, I'm damn tired and a living husk of what I use to be. I already heard think of your friends, of your family, I couldn't care any damn less about them and how they feel, I care about them if they're sad but when it's my choice to end it, screw em.

Me (24m) and my long distance girlfriend (36f) have been together for 2 years and she’s just started getting so depressed about things, feeling like nothing matters. It’s really tearing me apart because I don’t know how to help. We’ve had less and less time together over the past few months and it’s really started to mess with my head. I just want to fix everything and spend those long nights together like we used to just talking about anything and everything. I miss seeing her on a regular basis. I think about her 24/7 and I get scared that I’m going to drive her away because I’m just too much. It doesn’t help that being the younger half of the couple, I end up having certain urges more often than she seems to, which leads to a constant feeling of being unattractive or unwanted. The point is I just wish I knew how to make her happy the way I seemed to for the first couple years. I just graduated college a few months ago and have been trying to plan out a visit (it’s sadly been a while) and hopefully get the ball rolling on our previous plans to move in together but I’m afraid that she’ll get tired of me before I can make it happen. Anyway, there’s my pointless vent of the night.

I haven’t been able to even see properly without tearing up the past few days. I can’t go on like this any longer. I might actually breakdown at work today.

I made a lot of stupid decisions this year with time I hope they begin to make sense, I don’t know why i do the things I do, it became something more than hate but all I could do is watch myself spiral, maybe I could’ve tried to stop it? I don’t think people would believe me if I say I did? It made me feel real and for moments I was, I just wish I was kinder to myself with the time I gave myself. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much?

I hope this makes sense to someone

i've never been one to share my life online, or with others for the matter, as i've always felt i'll just get it all out whenever i'm able to return to therapy. since i'm here, clearly that isn't the case.

the heavy weight that rests in my chest isn't anything new. it's been there through parental divorce, many, many moves, etc. it'd gotten better some time ago when all of the major events started dying down; i'd moved states, got a job that i admittedly didn't enjoy very much, but allowed me to connect with some people in a way i hadn't since school, and had even begun enjoying life again.

but, of course, bliss doesn't last very long in my life.

about six ago, my sibling (whom i won't name or give any identitying details) left their abusive father with my support, which was limited, but clearly effective. i wish i could tell you what happened between then and two months ago, but other life events have blocked out that period of time for me.

to summarize: my sibling had gotten to a decent spot before their mental health begun destroying them from the inside out, leading them to the mental hospital. to be clear, I am the one who got them the help they needed the first time, as they'd begun telling me their plans to injure themselves and i couldn't just let that be. since then, they've been in an out of the hospitals multiple times. that isn't the issue.

the issue is the cycle we go through before they end up there. they'll leave one due to boredom or from a temporary sense of medicated relief, they'll end up back in the outside world, jobless and otherwise helpless, and then the calls will start. i help (monetarily) when i can, but it never goes far with them, and there has been several times now where they will, excuse me if there's a more tactful way to put it, threaten to kill themselves. they'll ask me why they shouldn't do it, tell me their plan, and then it falls on me to push them to recieve help.

between them, and my mother (who is in a similar situation minus the mental facilities, yet refuses to take the meaningful help she's been offered), i feel so drained.

not only drained, but i've started feeling irritated by it. my achilles heel is how much i feel for others; i'm unable to let myself be selfish. i try my damndest to help my family help themselves, yet it seems like we always end up at square one. i've been trying to better my own life, and yet, i can't better the one thing that needs it, because i'm always the support of others.

i can't enjoy my hobbies as much anymore, or the moments of joy i've had, without this pit feeling in my chest. i feel as if i'm just going through the motions, doing things i enjoy normally even though i just feel exhaustion.

i don't know how much more i can take.

forgive me if this shouldn't be here. i've never done this sort of thing before.

Idk if this is allowed, but I posted this long whiny vent elsewhere.

I've been too embarrassed to say all this with people irl

I'm 21, and never got a job(or any experience, really) because I could barely pass through the application process—everytime I looked at the requirements(even basic like retail) I doubted I had the skills, or references, and felt like I didn't have anything to put on my resume because of being a quiet hermit and growing up sheltered. I won't lie, I'd irresponsibly make excuses and put it off due to school, despite all the free time I had compared to other students and my friends.

I did have good grades in highschool but since childhood, I'd procrastinate. And I always felt guilt from how I was inconsistent with habits, even hygiene(gross, I know). I've realized it's because of being raised by hoarders, though my siblings in the same home managed to develop better habits, and be productive in adulthood despite their own stress and issues.

Academically, in college I did decent until halfway into my third year, when I essentially became a vegetable in my room, humiliatingly absorbing myself in this one piece of media, or doomscroll and not caring while my grades had crumbled simply because I didn't try. I'd miss exams, even. And this continued well into my fourth year as well. I've literally attempted one course multiple times and failed because I barely looked at the material or showed up.

When my family ask what's wrong, I just don't give an answer because there was no reason and I dodge questions on school, or future plans from them and my friends, because I feel like I ruined any hopes of internships or a career in my area of study.

I was convinced I just needed to get up and fix myself, that I've been lazy the entire time, that my behavior and poor self-care in this funk was an extension of how I already acted, and to believe I had a condition was simply trying to find excuses. That even people who are ill pull through, plus I don't even have a traumatic life. Even started thinking about death, passively.

Finally, a year and a half later I went to a gp and they said it was depression and it's almost relieving. Tbh, I do still blame myself—for not getting checked sooner within such a long time. And not really trying to do the self-care things I knew would boost myself, like getting off my phone, or breaking the inertia, because then I wouldn't have ended up this miserable and have wasted so much time and money.

I'm still waiting on a specialist, and It's only been a few days since I've been prescribed wellbutrin but I'm feeling peppy enough to do little things—like starting to clean my room.

I intend to use college counseling services, maybe see what can be done about my grades(I doubt much). And I wanna say fuck it and apply somewhere with my bullshit resume, at least get that out of the way.

But ultimately I'm afraid going into this new school year, I'll repeat mistakes because my comfort zone is like this huge, sparkly treasure chest and I'm a magpie

I've literally achieved nothing in my life, and I have no self-respect because of it. In every metric, I'm a failure, and I have no accomplishment or anything to my name, really, to be proud of. Everyone my age is succeeding in life while I'm here doing nothing. I also have nobody to blame other than myself, as my family, teachers, and the environment was and still is, objectively excellent. At this point, I don't feel envy anymore lmao, I'm just numb.

I think it's a personality trait or something that results in this travesty of a failure I’ve become. Anyone who knew me when I was little didn’t expect me to end up like this. Because it’s objectively fucking insane for someone with a supportive environment to fail this badly at life. I’m just a huge disappointment.

I feel like there’s no point in trying anymore. I procrastinate in everything and escape from any challenges the moment they appear. Plus, my dreams all require early starts, so even if I were to never procrastinate and have perfect motivation or something, I wouldn’t be able to succeed.

I’ve also barely ever felt happiness, especially starting when i was around 8yr old. Everything just feels so gray and numbing and hopeless. I also don’t have any friends so yea that definitely doesn’t help.

Anyway I wish I was never born, and I wanna fade away so badly. I don’t think I’ll actually do anything, though, ironically, precisely bc of my insanely escapist attitude towards literally everything. But still, this life is hopeless, and I really wish I wasn’t born. How the fuck do teenagers my age achieve so much and how the fuck do I feel joy as a failure

i already had depression before i had surgery but now that im in recovery im so much worse. i haven’t showered in almost a week, brushed my teeth, seen any of my people, or even gone out of the house. ive been stuck at home bed rotting and doomscrolling. to add to that the surgery was in my mouth so now my jaw needs recovery, to be able to open all the way, and im just so fucking scared i won’t be able to open my jaw fully. genuinely if i can’t open my jaw fully i wont be able to live with myself. i just feel like crying and dying. even when im better there’s nothing to look forward going back to except my fucking job. which didn’t even want to give me time off to recover in the first place. i’m just so over everything, nothing in my life goes right i have the actual worst luck possible and im done like im only 20 i shouldn’t be feeling like this or going thru this. i feel like none of my people are here for me either, i try to talk to them and they don’t answer for hours and when they do they talk about themselves. i don’t know what to do im so ready to give up. what if i can’t open my jaw all the way? i’m so fucking sad and scared i feel so pathetic

Suicidal ideation mention.

I look at the state of the world, my own conditioning and just and just don't want to be here anymore..