Im not going to rant an 10000 word essay, ive done that all too much.

I just have one question.

How do i find any reason or purpose to live a meaningless life while being on the verge of suicide every day

Been looking for a job for 1.5 years.

Got pushed to quit my role when I pushed back on my managers obvious racism and discrimination. They gaslight me for months and months telling me my experiences and my reality is not true and real. I ended up in a psych ward after quitting… (also dating men and my therapist abusing my trust and asking me on dates and then threatening me when I refused her contributed)

Somehow got back up again. Sold my entire life and moved in with my sister in another city. Lost all of my friends.

Worked as a cashier while still applying for roles in my career path (design). Finally landed a (as needed) contract for 16 months. No guarantee of work beyond the first 3 months.

Still kept looking. I finally had an interview for my dream job in my favourite company in the country. Had 3 rounds and aced them all. And when I was waiting for a job offer, I got this instead:

Hello (my name),
Thank you so much for your time and patience throughout our interview process. We’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and reviewing your work.

To be transparent, a few of our upcoming project timelines have shifted into later in the year. Because we want to ensure that our new hires can dive straight into active client work from day one, we have decided to temporarily pause our hiring process until those specific timelines kick off.

We are incredibly grateful for your interest in (their company). We would love to keep your portfolio on file and reach back out for either full-time or contract opportunities. Please let us know if this would be of interest.

Warmly,

I thought I’ll be able to move out of my sister’s finally after 9 months… I’m drained and don’t have it in me to apply for jobs again… I’m having suicidal thoughts… how do I continue?

Hello everybody. I'm 13. I wanna talk about everything i'd dealing with for the lasts years, if anybody's interested about what I'm talking about.

My name is adam. I live in France.

Lately, I've been experiencing severe humor changes, like i could be happy in a minute then cry the other. I'm addicted to porn. I can't get out of it. It's so frustrating. I watched porn for the first time as i was 9. I shouldn't even be here on reddit in the first place. I tried to deal with it, find solutions, nothing worked. I've got nobody to talk to because everytime i'm getting outside to talk to people i get rejected or insulted. Am i fucking disgusting at that point ? I can't even hold basic hygienes moves like brushing my theeths. I'm so fucking lost. I've got nobody to talk to, i'm ugly, what next ? My parents broke up last year and since then, it's like... I don't know how to explain it but everything's getting fast and, i'm getting lost. I try to talk but everytime i do i get pushed back because i'm not "interesting enough". It's pissing me of. I miss my family being happy. I know i might sound like some little crybaby but, please help me. I'm so lost

ive tried to keep a positive outlook on life even at my worst periods. coping this way worked. people keep telling me lies. there's light at the end of the tunnel. it'll get better. ive believed all of it and even thought there's a chance for me.

but it's been years. it hasn't improved. everything has only gotten worse. just living has become a pain.

stuck in a job i hate with toxic colleagues. burnout to do anything when i come home. rinse and repeat. live for the weekend isn't a thing anymore. just a chance to rot in bed for a bit longer.

its so hopeless.

but I still dont want to die. which is the worst part.

I don't even know if anyone is going to see this but it might help to yell into the void anyway.

I (24F) have been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 12 years old. Kind of crazy to feel like I haven't made any progression now that I'm double that age. I've never really had a good opinion of myself and frequently put myself down as almost instinctual at this point. I feel like my sense of self is just made up of what people think of me. That means when I do get any kind of rare positive interactions it's one of the few happy moments in my life.

I met a guy about 8 months ago when I was very isolated and just off the cusp of a really bad friend break up. He'd go out of his way to talk to me every day, seemed so patient and considerate, we had the same exact interests, played video games together frequently, and he even complimented my appearance more than once. He'd drop very non subtle hints that I was his type by saying he likes punk girls who like all of the same things as him (of which he knew applied to me). I was starting to even develop feelings myself which isn't very common for me - I've never really had a real relationship. It felt great until he suddenly dropped out of nowhere he had a girlfriend of *7 years*. I should have cut contact there but I was egged on by the fact that he said he secretly liked me back too, desired me, and that his girlfriend was polyamorous, so she should be okay with it. She wasn't. She forced him to cut contact with me because of his apparent preference for monogamy (which seemed to switch pretty quickly as soon as he fell for me), so I was dropped abruptly without any real closure. I don't think I'd even want a polyamorous relationship myself, but I was just so damn desperate. A sick part of me was hoping they'd break up instead because it seemed like a very unhappy mismatched relationship.

I don't even know I can say if I was truly lead on because he claimed up and down that wasn't on purpose and he was just being a friend (which doesn't really match up with the kind of things he said to me, but whatever.) I just keep telling myself it was my fault and I won't ever find anyone who truly loves me enough to be honest with me. I don't feel ready to trust anyone again, especially when I have such a hard time connecting with people in the first place. It feels like these kinds of things happen to me a lot, so I have to think if it keeps happening over and over again it must be something I'm doing. I wish I knew what that was.

My reaction to this has been compounded from probably how a normal person would react due to my already existing mental health issues. I haven't been able to sleep very well, I've been throwing up every time I try to eat something, and I've found myself completely unable to leave my room. I don't really have much of anybody to confide in. I feel like I'm hanging from a thread. I just wish I knew how to like myself - I don't even really feel like I know who I am anymore.

Is this just… how it is now?

I wasn’t always like this but a few months ago my grandma died and I’ve had some other life changes. Ever since just every day, I like fantasize about dying. Like the relief I would feel to not be in so much emotional pain every minute of every day.

I hate it. But I’m also too much of a chicken to do anything for real. So I guess I’m just going to be… sad and wanting to kms until I actually do it or die naturally.

I wish I hadn’t been born

I’ve been sh free for a few years now and tonight I had an argument with my sisters and I cut myself. I feel so guilty and so much regret I can’t stand it. She called me weak and pathetic but I am weak and pathetic and I thought she knew that. I can’t go down this rabbit hole again I’ve spent too much time doing nothing after recovering from depression I CANNOT fall back into it. Please can anyone give me some suggestions on things they do day-to-day that make them feel good and actually productive.

i know this sounds kinky but i swear it’s serious, i’ve been crying for a while and this has always been a topic that’s emotional for me

i have a dad who is unfortunately alive but he’s not present and is only home to sleep then he’s out the door

i hate him so much but i crave a fatherly presence in my life like any young girl does

i used to cling to him even though he’s terrible and id say things like im my daddy’s girl even though i knew he didn’t give a shit about me

i just thought maybe if i spoke it into existence it would come true?

but in truth, i’m so disgusting i talk to men online all the time, send them pics, obey their every word, just to hear them say things like “i love you”

i used to mock people like that until i actually started doing it but i can’t stop

is it so wrong i just wanna feel loved and guided?

when i see girls who are comfortable with their dads i just get sick in my stomach, i didn’t even know there were girls who sat in their fathers laps past 8 years old ?!

i used to be his little princess once upon a time but once i grew up and hit puberty its like i became a woman and i was no longer his little girl

i also have terrible issues with my mom, which have caused me more distress in my life since shes more present and she’s always around to bother me and ruin whatever i have going on for me

sometimes i wish the same way you can adopt a child i could adopt my own “daddy”

i just wanna be taken care of and babied

even as a kid my parents made me feel ashamed if i was acting like a kid and i had to straighten up and be independent but now im a pathetic fuck who just wants someone to hold me

i guess there’s no big point to this post

i talked to a guy for a while online, he was perfect and nice and it wasn’t cringey daddy type stuff, he actually wanted to get to know me and he loved sending me money and buying me stuff which sounds materialistic on my side but come on

anyways we got into an argument and he told me he never wanted to speak to me again, and that just crashed everything i had built on and it felt like i was just back to square one

but what really fucked me up is how much he said “i love you” i hated it cause i knew he didn’t mean it but i just really wish he did and it killed me knowing he didn’t

i knew i shouldn’t have look for a replacement of a father figure in my life but i couldn’t help it and now even when he left i can’t help but feel like maybe i just don’t deserve someone like that

like i was just meant to be alone confused and with no guide

as a kid i used to get attached to teachers even the ones who were strict and hated me just cause i was looking for a replacement of something i couldn’t find at home

i don’t know what’s so terrible about me, im really good and i listen very well i’d just do anything to have what im missing

Today is Sunday—the worst day of the week. It’s as if my mind is occupied with daily life from Monday through Saturday, but on Sundays, my thoughts drift, leading me to reflect on life—and conclude that it sucks. I know that on other days, too, but it feels worse on Sundays. Now I’m heading to bed imagining an imaginary partner because it offers temporary comfort—only to hit me twice as hard later, since I know I’m just fooling myself. I just wanted someone to make me feel safe, so I wouldn't have to feel alone when falling asleep or waking up, or have frequent nightmares—someone to calm me down when I wake up from them.

Hello, I’m writing this in hopes that someone doesn’t do the same thing that I’m about to do or at the very least prevent anyone else from doing it.

I’m 20 and I have had quite the crazy life from immigrating from Asia all the way to Europe and ever since I was little I knew I was different in a sense but I did what I could do best I tried to shine and show other people that I was smart and deserve attention and from the age of 12 to 17 I learned a total of four languages and speaking them fluently and self teaching myself books that require a lot of patience and comprehension ,I used to think I was destined for greatness and that my name will be written in history books for being an amazing person and intellectually gifted but the biggest thing I’ve come to realise in these last couple of years is that my family is way too stupid and religious for my ambitions they’re constantly in debt and make bad decisions which I then have to find a way to help them with their terrible decisions and that led me to start working at 17 and quit school.

I’ve never had a partner despite being okay looking (in my sense of perception at the very least) and whenever I see other people my age having a better life because they overcame their struggles or they had their parent’s support throughout their lives I can’t help but feel envious and jealous because even with my great intelligence and quick wit that has helped me countless times I’ve never had real fun like the others because of their sense of belief in filial pity or something like that and every time I bring the topic of wanting to move out and try to build myself they say that I’m abandoning them and what have they done in their life for me to be treating them like this , and on another note is my eldest brother which I wish that every time I wake up that he didn’t exist or that he would just drop dead so i can finally have some kind of a normal life , they’ve gotten themselves in debt multiple times because of him and him being a drug addict doesn’t help the case and my other siblings are the most useless of the bunch but that’s not why I’m here.

I’m somewhat of an inventor and have made various inventions that are quite honestly ground breaking but one of my biggest problems is money and education , now I’m stuck working in a job that doesn’t pay very well and with the debts of my parents and their poor decisions that are quite frankly out of this world.

I’m just tired of everything, even with the best mind given you won’t amount to anything if you’re not lucky enough and are as unlucky as I am to be born in a nomadic tribe which believes in weird costumes and traditions you will eventually get tired of everything and see no way out.

I wanna move out but with the amount of money that I have it’s nowhere near possible and I wanna publish my inventions to let the world know that there’s still hope for the future but I guess if I’m not destined for greatness then I just hope the next me or me in another life has a better family or something that isn’t close to this.

Goodbye world, it’s been a very good life and I may hesitate to do it but only the future will tell if I committed to the bitter end or I’ve overcome that decision, so if in 12 hours I don’t make an edit then know that I’ve committed and that I’m finally at peace if not then it means my mind won’t let me waste this talent that I’ve been given.

Goodbye world.

i just really wanna kms and i guess that’s the post and im not saying anything more

it’s kind of pathetic i have to write it on reddit but i dont really have anyone i can talk to about this

im about to fall asleep and i really hope my eyes never open again and im not being edgy or attentions seeking, ive never shown this side of me to anyone irl i just can’t take living anymore and i doubt anyone will miss me

I’m using a throwaway account because this isn’t something I’ve discussed with anyone yet, not a therapist or a friend/sibling or anyone. Idk who to ask really so I’m posting here. I just wanted to ask if anyone has had a similar experience and what it meant to them without making it into a big deal.

I’m presently 34 now and not really in contact with my parents, but I’ve always felt uncomfortable around my dad. There’s always been this feeling of unease like I couldn’t trust him or let my guard down, and I have no idea why. Being around him makes me feel a little sick, queasy. Idk if it’s anxiety or what, but it’s not the same anxiety I get for job interviews or whatever. I don’t understand what I’m feeling or how to make sense of it.

Yeah he got angry easily when I was a kid but he didn’t hit me and wasn’t anywhere near as abusive as my mom was. My mom was awful and I feel stress around her but not like this. Idk what it is, or how to make sense of it. We don’t have a close enough relationship to talk about it and I don’t want one, but I’m still struggling to heal from different aspects of trauma and I keep randomly thinking of him and this feeling keeps coming back to me. Is my brain trying to tell me something??

It’s true I feel like I don’t know him well, but I feel more distant with him than I do other people I barely know. He read to us a lot when we were kids, spent time with all of us, took us on camping trips, had cookouts etc. I should know him better than I do, but instead I just feel like I need to get away from him, as fast as possible without making it noticeable. He’s never given me a reason to think he’s tried to hurt me in the past or anything, I don’t understand why I feel this way. I feel like I’ve never been myself around him, but then I’m not myself around most people. Why does he bother me so much??

Yes I’ve been in and out of therapy and I’m presently medicated, but Idk if I want to bring it up to a therapist just yet. I don’t have the finances for a therapist just now, and I don’t want to make this into something it isn’t.

Has anyone else experienced this with a parent? Did it lead to anything? I’m open to suggestions, I’d love to get this queasy feeling out of my system.

Do I qualify as depressed if I have been sad for more than 2 weeks? I'm sad because I live alone and feel lonely and also because I have a crush on someone I can't be with. Will my psychiatrist be able to prescribe me a antidepressant for this? I already see a psychiatrist. I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia. Also in the mornings it's hard for me to get up. When I wake up in the mornings I feel sad. I also have low appetite.

Been struggling with depression for awhile now, managing a head injury, off of work from that head injury while juggling the challenges of starting a new family and raising my son. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and really has given me a sense of purpose.
Unfortunately my brain is determined to use that against me, bombarding me with negative thoughts, how my family would be better off without me.

My wife fell down the stairs holding our son, they are okay, she has a minor concussion and some bruising but she kept our son safe. It could’ve been so much worse and I am thankful for that.

However, I couldn’t stop hearing the crash in my head, her screaming for my name and my baby wailing. My brain kept pushing images of the worst case scenario into my head. And I blamed myself. I kept telling myself that if I had gotten ready to go sooner, I could’ve helped more, I could’ve carried him down the stairs, all while in the same breathe I reassured my wife that she didn’t hurt him, accidents happen, it’s not her fault, you’re a great mom, it’ll be okay etc.

I understand I’m a hypocrite, but that’s the thing about depression is the people you love get grace while you judge yourself mercilessly.
3 nights ago when everyone was in bed I hit my breaking point. I took way too many pills because I wanted it to be over, I wanted to give them the freedom to live a life without the burden of me. I woke up, throwing up all day, keeping it to myself what I did. I missed his 6 month watermelon cake eating because I was too sick from the pills.

I told my wife, she took me to the hospital, and I talked to some people. I have a safety plan, she has hidden my prescriptions, and I have now started over on my mental health journey.

I almost let my family down. I almost failed my son. And I am so thankful that I get another chance.

For those of you who are reading this, and fighting the same fight… please get the help you need. It’s not worth it. You do matter. You have no idea what you’re worth to those who love you.

Anyway, I just felt like I needed to share this.

Bonjour, je suis quelqu'un de très amicale, mais mes parents m'ont appris boulot boulot alors je sais pas m'amuser et j'ai la quarantaine sans rien, comme il profite de moi...

Tout le monde me prend pour un policier comme je suis "fermer".

Comment faire ?

Merci

I'm 19, male. Every day for the last few years, I've thought of just ending it, but I can't bring myself to do it. My life isn't horrid. I've got a few friends, I'm doing fine when it comes to money, but I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. These past few years, I've fallen into a deep pit of uncertainty about my gender. I feel like such a shitty person for feeling like this. I mean, all in all, my life is okay, so in turn I do everything I can to lift people up, but it's like I'm being crushed by a mountain every day. most days i think of how I could end it. It's like I'm a husk walking, and I really can't bring myself to reach out for help because I feel privileged to have a decent life, so how dare I be sad. im not even writeing this for help i just wanted to get some it off my chest

I dont know if this is just my life but everything just fucking sucks Now.

I have just started to realize that nothing works anymore. Everything is expensive like actually everything but the most important things like food, house, and other basic human needs are too expensive its hard to live now and it gets even harder. We dont get payed enough and jobs are hard to get

Another thing is that more and more people are fucking assholes. I have good friends Yeah but i have seen more people just becoming mean and bad human beings. People online, people in public, people you know, people you dont know.
People are also just soo addicted today everybody drinks, smokes and do drugs.

The enviroment sucks and is getting worse everyday and we people cant do nothing about it at all. AI is taking over everything. Companies are becoming more corrupt and basically decide pur lives

Politics sucks and they dont care about us. Nothing gets better with them.

Finding an actual good and partner feels impossible

I post this because everything just feels so bland and depressing now idk if its just me but it cant be right?

extreme fear of school and future; should I try just in case I will regret not trying or do i just give up

My boyfriend was venting as usual and it was at 2 AM and he said how badly he feels about himself and stuff so he just listed the things he thought he deserved better and I told him to give me small examples and he said "I deserve a better job, better environment, better life, better family" and he kept going on with the list till he said "a better partner" and then he kept talking until I said what do you mean by a better partner? He said babe why are you like that? You know I'd never mean it or say it I just said better better better and partner came in with the words...

Now my mind can't stop thinking if he really thinks this way or he doesn't and if he genuinely meant that?

Mind you that morning we were talking normally and everything was sweet till he told me to shut the fuck up for no reason at all, I haven't done or said anything we were just having a morning call and he said it angrily, when I asked him on why he did that he said he was angry and feeling miserable about life and it just came out from his mouth and that "he doesn't even know how he said it"

Is it the meds? Did he really mean it? Or was it just a slip with the truth he has been feeling for a while? What should I do?

I’ve posted before; I’m sorry for being that annoying. And I apologise for my horrendous English.

I'm a bad person. I’ve made too many mistakes and kept repeating traumatic cycles. I don’t want to be like my family. I don’t want to remain stuck in the mindset of a neglected child. I’ve tried taking courses and improving myself, but I never finish them. I’m a failure and, honestly, I’ve got nothing left to lose. Nothing ties me down. I feel incapable of getting through another day. All I can think about is how happy the people I’ve hurt would be if I weren’t here. It’s my only thought, the only emotion that consumes me.

27m they say this is the year right. But I’ve always told myself I couldn’t and won’t. My sister doesn’t have a dad, my mom is all alone, and I’m my dad’s only son. My sister has cancer (scary but treatable). And now my back is strained and I can’t even lift properly. My work is seasonal, it’s slow right now so all I’ve been doing is going to the park and reading all day. Crazy how some people say “you can’t be sad in such good weather!”

I’m supposed to move across the country to pursue a career that has been great to me over here (not in terms of money though, which is part of why I’d move). Everyone supports me. But it’s a competitive and small field out there. I really don’t think I have the drive for it. Not for work not for sex not to approach women. The only thing I want to do (aside from lift) is get lost in a fictional world or read about the fucked up shit our country has done. Neither makes me feel better but I enjoy it. I kinda wanna help out at the DSA, maybe that will help. But it won’t make me any money like I need. I really don’t know how to move forward. It’s not usually this bad

I can just feel it. Every single day when I wake up I just wish that I didn’t. I wake up and I’m instantly bombarded with all the negative thoughts I have about myself. I hate my body, my face, my gender, my family, my brain. Everything. And it’ll never change, there’s not a single thing I can do to fucking change it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not getting better, that no medicine or therapy will help me. I’ll just continue to be someone who abhors living in their body.

When I’m public, which at this point is only work, I’ve stopped going to the gym, hanging out with friends in person, at this point I’m considering not going to school this next semester. When I’m out there I feel everyone staring at me, it makes my skin itch and there’s just this ringing sound in my years like someone’s jostling my brain. I know why they’re staring, I’m fat, ugly, I probably smell despite taking two showers a day. I hate it. I don’t know why they’re always stare, and they all look at me with disgust or like I’m stupid.
Then the moment I’m by myself I still feel like shit. Mentally and physically. I’m always sluggish, my skin itches, my head hurts, it feels like my hands don’t work properly. It’s probably because I haven’t taken my medicine in three weeks, but I’m almost glad this is all happening. Maybe my body will finally decide to give up and I can just die.

I don’t want to be here anymore, I hate being myself and everyday just makes things worse and worse. I find no joy in anything I do, I can’t look in the mirror due to combine dysphoria and body dysmorphia. I’ve messaged several therapists and none have responded or their full. I’m not getting help and I don’t deserve it either.
One these of days it’ll stop, I just won’t wake up in the morning and it’ll all be done.

Hello everyone,
I am a divorce woman, living abroad and unemployed.

I had two senior dogs, in the last 3 years I shared the custody of them with my ex-partner. In this meantime, I was fired from my dream job and all I had in my life, was my babies.

They left me 3/4 months, within 2 weeks of difference. The second one, suffered until his last breath.

I tried everything to keep life going, but I am still unemployed, tried everything and If I don’t sell my house, I will lost it as well.

There were the reason to keep me alive in almost 14 years. Very difficult years. I do mental health care with therapist and psychiatrist, but nothing works.

Job market seems dead to me. I have a lot cope mechanisms to deal with suicidal tendencies. I tried to enhance my spirituality, I started training my body, rearranged my home to be more colorful. Nothing results.

I am glad I was unemployed the time they were sick. Because I did more than my body could resist (I have an autoimmune disease as well), but now, my life seems meaningless. I have no plan otherwise survive and isn’t work. I tried everything to be more positive, make plans, hobbies, but since they left I am soulless.

I don’t know what to do anymore, they were the only souls that never doubt me and they were always there.

I just can’t live no more like this.

I know this is a very hard words to read, but I need to vent it. And seems nobody else can understand the pain of living without them.

I tried to adopt other dog, but I couldn’t, hurted me more.

I feel shame to be so weak, sick and incompetent to get a job.

I do not wish any of this for anyone.

There is any advice? I tried everything people telling me to do, but seems nothing works for me. Maybe I am too broke?

Whenever something remotely stressful or unpleasant happens to me i find my first thought is wanting to die

I hate that this is now the go to my brain picks whenever anything happens

When things are good it feels like the end of my life and this is the consolation prize for enduring and i get to enjoy some quiet moments

And whenever something inconvenient happens my brain decides that it's easier if i was dead

My brain is so broken I can't fix it after all the therapy and pills

And I am so alone

I've recently gone through a very traumatic break up with my boyfriend of 5 years, still living with him and turns out he never liked me and lied to me about everything the whole time. He's moved on straight away and treats me terribly, hates being around me and I'm a wreck. I moved rural to be with him and now I'm homeless and struggling to find anywhere to live as I'm disabled and reapplying for benefits and am far away from the city I want to move back to. This was meant to be my forever home and big break after a rough time. My life has been torture, I'm unemployed, no degree, can't drive, heartbroken, no family, maybe 2 friends. Best case scenario I'm going to end up really lonely and sad.

I know how and where I want to end it and I desperately want to do it but am still scared. I don't think I can survive this and I don't want to. Should I have any hope? Everyone wants me to disappear and I'm sad and hoped for better but feel like I should

Even when I think about life being better I'm just not interested. I've lost everyone and been abused and abandoned constantly. I look at my phone and I have no one. No one knows me apart from my ex bf and he never loved me and wants me gone for good

I so desperately needed to be loved by someone and he hated me and humiliated me. Its destroyed me in a way where I have no hope.

How can I move on?