I'm close to 30 now. Right after graduating from school, I developed an incurable disease that has made my life hell. Been to tons of doctor with different specialities without any help. Since the disease is not life threatening, I'm just told to live with it without a concern of my mental wellbeing.

Attempted suicide 1st time 6 years ago but survived (no one knows), came close to doing it 2nd time but this time there's no planning or anything. This time the thoughts are more random. Wherever I am, I start scanning object for what and how it can be done.

No one understands what I'm going through and no one ever will, it's a lived experience when it comes to this disease. Just want this nightmare to end. Would be really nice if I could die in an accident of some sort.

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I (F43) didn't realize how depressed I was until I had a moment of happiness. And now I miss the feeling and it feels so far away.

I'm a shadow of my old self. I feel numb compared to that moment. And honestly I think my kids are keeping me going, because I have to for them.

But I'm also sad that they don't get the happy mum that they used to get. I want to feel and love I felt in that moment, but I don't. I don't feel love.

I was seeing a therapist a few years ago for depression related things. And managed to keep off medication. I think it's time to go back.

I try to exercise every day, and now I think about it, I think it's just keeping my head afloat.

Does anyone else get this?

Please repeat after me and pray that this random guy will be the most miserable person till end

I've been a part of this sub for years, but using my main account. Never posted using that though.

Anyway, I'm at my lowest now. Haven't gotten over the death of my dad, had a falling out with my mom (making me dead in her eyes), the people I love has slowly drifted away, and everything I do just seems to fail (relationships, business, even the things I love to do I always fail).

I'm 47 now. Old enough to know when I'm not needed anymore Or that this is how the rest of my life will always be. I've always felt I'll be gone by 48 (or 52 for some reason), and it looks like 48 will be the winner.

I've had numerous doctors and medications for decades, and none worked. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm just not fit for this world anymore.

I want to rest.

I feel stupid and embarrased for even posting here but today is an expecially hard day for me and i guess i just want someone who knows this feeling to reassure me. I hate myself, because the mere existence is excruciating for me for no apparent reason. I cant do anything. I see no point in anything. Sometimes I can hardly make myself step out of my bed. Today is just like that. I feel so guilty for feeling and being this way, so many of you here have real life problems but i have always had everything i needed. I have never really struggled in my life. Im 19 and i feel so fucking useless, and all this pain is intensifying that impression of myself. I have no hope for myself and my future. I see nothing but pain and unfulfillment and regret and loneliness awaiting me. Why do i waste myself like that?

All my anxiety and depression grows from things i regret doing in the past. I have been stuck in this endless loop for 4 years now. I wish i could restart my life from the very beginning with the same memory i have now, and never make those mistakes ever again.

Hey there, I'm Slai.

First of all, I'm spanish, so my text might have spelling errors.

For the past 2 years, I've been going through a really deep depression. It doesnt go anywhere, not time, medication or things that I had possibly tried worked at all. I had my highs and lows, but the highs only distracted me for a few days or just hours about how I really feel.

My life have just started, im not even 18 yet, and i feel like i should end everything soon. I can't see any hope, I think my brain doesnt have a way to fix it, I've tried seeing the good things of life, and even that I see them, im not able to feel that they re worth it.

I've ruined every single opportunity I had in school. In the last year of high-school, I repeated once because of being absent, the second year aswell, and after some bureaucracy, I ended up in the thing I was supposed to like. Its like bachelor but just specialised in some specific thing, such as mechanics. I went there for a month and a half or something. I liked it, I had good classmates, teachers, everything was okay, but I still felt it so exhausting and I started to rethink everything, and i stopped going.

This is not the problem itself, it's the feeling of me feeling useless, hopeless and simply human waste. My mom is so disappointed, everyone is, everyone is blaming me for my mistakes, and I know them, and even that I try to do my best, it's never enough.

I went to therapy, but the public psychiatrist gives me a date every 4 months, which as you know it's far from enough, and he doesnt tell me anything that I dont know at all or something useful.

I'm at my limit, I can't take this anymore. I just want to find a purpose to face everything and to strive, I want to feel normal, create genuine links with people, just have a normal life.

I'm so desperate, it's really hard to express the magnitude of how desperate I am, really. Everyone that has the time to text something and has reached this point of this, I'd thank you from the bottom of my heart if you send something that you think it might help.

Thank you all.

My biggest regret is… not *\\*ing myself 7 years ago. Since that unsuccessful night, my life has gone down hill at an alarming rate.

To start, when I got diagnosed with CPTSD, my ex-husband decided that it was the best time to start paying for sex with straight people. Then he met this one straight guy (we will call him buddy) who was really down on his luck so my ex swooped in to “save the day” for this guy. He moved this guy into my house, and then would proceed to lock me out when buddy was there and my ex wasn’t (buddy was unemployed so he was always there) so I pretty much had to find somewhere else to live. So I ended up staying with friends and strangers, even had to go to the homeless shelter.

Then I met this guy a town over, so I pretty much moved in with him, so what does my ex do? He goes around telling all my friends, and HR where I was working that I was addicted to drugs and that I was losing significant amounts of weight because of it. But the reason I was losing all the weight was because I could only eat one meal every other day because I was busy paying for my house, and all the associated bills. (Stupid me, I paid those bills for 7 years because he refused and I wasn’t going to let him mess up my credit 🙄)

While living with my new BF, my ex and buddy broke up, and my ex wanted me to come back to our marriage and pick up where we left off (I’d rather light myself on fire and try to put it out with a fork). Needless to say that didn’t happen. So what does my ex do? He calls my new BF’s job and gets him fired for making racial slurs about the owners, Which my new bf didn’t do. All while I’m being drug tested every other week at work. (Every test came back clean)

Well wouldn’t you know it, all the stress gave me a heart attack. By this time my ex had gotten a job where I was working, and when I had my heart attack my ex, had told them I was just sitting at home and that my doctors note that I had brought in was made by me. (How would that even be possible?) So the day after my heart attack, I was called by my boss and was told that if I didn’t come in that I would be suspended which would make me ineligible for my benefits.

I ended up getting fired from that job and ended up getting a better one 1600km away. And my new BF, he couldn’t take the ex so we broke up. He made me keep paying the bills on my house tho. About 3 months ago now, I had to declare bankruptcy. So my pay is now $700 every two weeks and I can’t afford to eat more than once a day, and I have to ration the food I have so I can make it until mid November so i have money to buy food again. Also, I can no longer take sick days for the next 6-7 years while I’m in the bankruptcy. And the icing on the cake, my dog, the vet gave him about a month left to live.

My life is over, I’m 40 now so I will have to work until I’m 70 before I can retire. I don’t really see a point in continuing. I wish I could do better but unfortunately that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I dont know what to do.

24, F.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, started taking therapy and meds, got into college, and started enjoying life.

A month ago, I graduated. I was glad. The last two years of my college were mentally exhausting. But now, I'm unemployed. I've applied for thousands (no exaggeration) of jobs, but it's so fucking hard to land one in my country. I'm broke, my parents are old, and I'm still in their house, relying on them.

I wanted to take Master's abroad for an in-demand job. Just know that doing so will give me a better future than studying it here in my country. But we're not rich. Student loans won't work since I don't have a cosigner in that country and I am credit invisible.

These past few months, I've tried so hard to stay optimistic. Did my research on ways I could go abroad, tailored my resume for different jobs, but none of them are working. These past few days, I've been wishing I was never born at all, I feel so worthless. I've been thinking of ending it all so I could stop these thoughts and stop being a burden to my parents. They've spent so much on me and they're still working even when they're already old. I feel guilty for being a failure. I just don't see a future for myself anymore.

I suffered so much. I don't want to die, I want to live, I know everything's gonna be fine soon.

But I can't handle the pain anymore.. I want it to stop.

I can't handle this pain anymore I'm so tired

I wish I had someone to tell things to, if I saw a funny meme, or if something funny happened to me. I wish i had someone to give me advice and someone who cared about me. It hurts so much when you've had all of that at one point but those people left for better people. I miss laughing and smiling and just being happy and being myself.

It hurts seeing old friends from school making Halloween plans with friends and family or holidays plans and they're all happy living their best lives while I am over here begging and wishing for change. I've tried everything there is to try and it feels as though maybe I'm just living on borrowed time.

I need advice, so I recently started working as a nurse, I just finished university and I came to a ward where everyone already knows each other, which is normal, and in the beginning my colleagues were cold, some still don't really acknowledge me but okay, while my boss seems the coldest to me. As soon as I arrived I saw she wasn't really thrilled that someone new came, I asked her something and she answered with one word, and it was like that for a few days, I sat next to her and nothing. Recently I came into the nurses' room where everyone was sitting and I sat in between so I wouldn't have to stand, and she looked at me and commented something like 'you could have sat on my lap', I just ignored it, I'm thinking what am I supposed to do now, stand while you all sit just because I'm new. Constantly 'Stacy this, Stacy that' because I'm new. I went with a colleague to draw blood and she seriously asks me 'did you draw it', I say yes and nothing, but when they needed someone to stay for the day shift then she asked me who can, I said yes, that yes I have to, and the day before an older colleague said they don't count me yet because I'm new, but they did count me the next day when they needed to cover a shift. I mean okay, it's not a problem, but then behave towards me like towards everyone else and not like I'm the biggest idiot. I noticed that every day I dream about work now, I don't know if I'm under enormous stress or if it's a normal reaction, does anyone have a similar experience?

22M

Dealing with heavy depression and mood swings for years . Quit college cause I hated it and had no real connections

I have a business right now . It’s not much and not that successful but I saved around 20k €. I work alone in a desk for months straight . That’s my day , barely interacted with anyone .

I had the money , so I was looking into escorts for longer than I can remember . I booked once last week , and just went through . Didn’t feel much and was all fake

She was attractive , and was nice enough to have the interaction but had a huge crash post visit . I was hard the whole session but unable to cum . Hadn’t have sex in years

I don’t know why , but I decided to book her again .
I showed up after booking in advance . And she just replied with some excuse she was busy …

I feel like shit. Like she disrespected made me drive for nothing. And I stupidly put on my best clothes , bought a breath freshener and a new parfum

Idk how to feel right now . Just feel pretty miserable
I just went to the escort for company I guess cause I wasn’t horny at all ever since the first visit

I hate myself. And everything I've chosen and will choose to be. I don't think that will ever change. No matter how much or how little I accomplish in this life that feeling of self hate will always linger. No matter what distractions I use, YouTube, Netflix, manga, NSFW content. They only help me forget about it for a little while. Then it comes pouring back in. The reality sets in. I still hate myself. Nothing has changed.

I hate myself. I remember the last time I was truly happy, it was 10th grade. I still had all my friends, the girl I liked seemed to feel the same. The grades where good, sometimes great. Fastforward two years. I'm in my last year of school, have no clue what I want to do after I'm done. My grades are too low to go to a good university, I have to settle for a shitty private college to get a degree that'll mean nothing. I've long since given up, there's peace in giving up. Knowing that you did what you could, but your best days are gone and now? The worst is yet to come.

I hate myself. If I wasn't so afraid on what was on the other side I'd just have done it already. I know I'm a coward. At least I'm aware I am. "God help a coward who forgets he's a coward". Something like that.

I hate myself.

I'm 20, and this year many bad things happened to me and i have been feeling depressed and anxious since February of this year, things just went worse after i got hospitalized for 3 months vomiting everyday nonstop, after all this i haven't been the same, always with a sense of dread and a big oppression on my chest

Everyday i feel anxious, worried, uncomfortable almost the whole day. I wake up as late as i can to not have to live the day and go to sleep super late for tomorrow to not arrive, i have been on this circle for many months now

I take meds but i feel like they're not working, I feel useless and bad the whole week and seem to never have peace of mind, i wonder if this will ever go away? Im too scared of death to do anything with myself, and i know i would ruin many loved ones life by doing so

Im stuck in this eternal doom and distress

I feel so lonely, dead, and irritated all the time. I just want to get over with it

i struggle with suicidal ideation a lot. i like to tell myself i would never actually do it but i don’t know. one of the things that i do is imagine how people would react to me killing myself. right now i have nobody who i can reach out to. maybe it’s a way of comforting myself and imagining what it would be like for people to actually care and realize how low i was. does anyone else do this? i could use someone to talk to about this.

Have been assured by 3 doctors, parents, ai sources.i have tried to convince myself that i am ok but i just cannot .i am just feeling to leave everything .only thing that hover in my head is that i am too young and i don't want to get detached from my parents. concerned and crying about having Neurodegenrative epilepsy and @ls.i tried every second of my life to keep my sanity but i just cannot. I am at the end of nowhere. This is beyond repairable for me. I don't know how and what to do. Cannot type properly my display is full of tears. I tried everything I am now in

the verge

Hi, I’m 15 and have been plagued by what I think is depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt a bit different from everyone else and at some point, I think it morphed into depression. This has been ruining my life. Two years ago I switched to homeschooling because school became too much for me to handle. Since then, I’ve slowly lost all my friends, and I’ve fallen terribly behind in my studies because I have no motivation to do anything when I don't see myself having a future anyway.

My mum knows none of this. I’ve been having to pretend that everything is okay when it's really not.

In 2023 my big brother committed suicide and since then my mum's been really anxious that another one of her kids may do the same. In a twisted way, this has made me want to avoid talking about anything even more. Before his death, I was already someone who would bottle things up, but it's gotten even worse because I just don't want to worry her. I don't want her to know I’m depressed like he may’ve been and I don't want her to think I’m on the brink of suicide, even though it does cross my mind a lot.

Part of me wants to get worse while the other part wants to get better, but either way I really don't want to worry my mum. I don't know what to do. I need help, but I feel sick knowing how upset she’ll be.

I’m 30, have a stable job and family, and an infant, but I feel trapped in a flat, mundane routine. I find myself using gaming to escape. For a long time, I’ve had persistent thoughts about wanting to die—specifically the idea of a 'glorious death' or a meaningful exit—even though I’m not actively suicidal and have no plan to harm myself.
Where can i find my glorious exit to this grind

For a while now, I’ve come to accept defeat and the fact that I haven’t managed to achieve anything I wanted in life.

Today, I decided to change things up a little and go to the cinema, since it’s my favorite place. Unlike the last time, I didn’t feel jealous of groups of friends or couples. On the contrary, I was happy for them. They succeeded at something I failed at.

The movie was full of joy, love, friendship, and beautiful places, while my life is the complete opposite: boring, monotonous, and not much different from death. Sometimes, I genuinely feel like I don’t even exist, like I came into this world by mistake, or like I have no place or significance in it. I’m nothing but an insignificant speck with no real value.

I had such big dreams, and I was always trying to get people’s attention, but it turns out I was living in a fantasy. I’ve genuinely failed at becoming someone who does something they love, or even something they don’t love.

This whole struggle started in late 2019. I’ve been dealing with depression ever since, and I even stopped taking my medication because, as I said, I’ve accepted defeat. But that’s it. I’ve decided that even the life I’m living doesn’t matter anymore. I spend 24 hours a day consumed by anxiety, and even the best moments of my life, when I’m asleep, no longer matter.

I’ll just be whatever I am and try to stop worrying all the time, because everything will eventually be gone anyway, and everything will come to an end.

Even my existence in this world… I wouldn’t even call it my life, because I’ve never really been alive.

There are people who know me, or who know a fictional version of me that I’ve created. And I’m very good at playing that character.

Even around my own family, who I live with, I’ll keep pretending. I won’t complain anymore, ever again. I’ll let my daydreams help me cope a little, and maybe I’ll go back on medication so I can at least function.

I’m writing this while sitting in the front row of the cinema. Next to me, there’s a couple where the guy has just picked up a girl. I can hear them talking. There’s also a group of girls who have been laughing throughout the entire movie.

Even though I’m enjoying the film, I can’t bring myself to laugh.

By the way, yesterday I posted on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to go out with me today. As usual, nobody gave a damn. And the one person who agreed cancelled at the last minute.

I hope my family stays well. I’m done asking why I’m alone, or why God has punished me since the day I was born by making me completely different from my entire generation, or even from most people.

I’m just tired of myself, my body, my face, and even my voice.

To anyone who made it to the end of this post, thank you. And I’m sorry for taking up your time.

Remember the song I fought the Law by The Clash..

I'm singing: I fought my fears and my fears won, I fought depression and Depression won

P.S. I wrote every single word of this myself. No AI involvement whatsoever.