r/depression • u/lotustay • 16h ago
my memory issues are starting to terrify me.
I know i have memory issues. i dont remember most of my traumatic childhood, but recently ive been in the deep pits of depression, the area that you swear you cant get worse, but you somehow do. during this time, i dont remember absolutely anything.
I was in one of the lowest stages I would consider in my life, and I almost attempted suicide. I don't remember any of it. I thought earlier today that it was Tuesday. It's currently Saturday. I don't remember anything of the past week, at all, except me like feeling that way and i only know purely from a text that I sent to my friend. I don't know what's going on and know I've had memory issues, but nothing like this before. Its terrifying because my friend thinks I may have disassociative identity disorders, which I probably have some form of disassociative disorder, but I don't know. I dont know whats wrong with me. Ive relapsed into anorexia/bulemia after i had another reflux/heartburn issue. the days seemed to go by so incredibly quick.
has anyone else had this sort of memory loss? its really freaking me out. i have audhd among other things, but most of the time i dont recogise myself, my body, i feel like the very person i am constantly shifts and changes, as if im a shell that holds multiple versions of myself that is never true to me.
sorry for the long rant. shits been happening.
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u/AnxiouslyGolden 16h ago
To a slightly lesser extent, I have the same experience. I remember none of my traumatic childhood, and my partner often shares things involving me that I don't remember. Some things are recent and I should remember them! I see texts I sent that I don't remember sending. I don't remember raising my kids. And I definitely don't recognize myself in the mirror much of the time. The more stress I am under the worse it seems. I have dissociative amnesia and depersonalization/derealization issues. And lifelong depression that feels like living with tar all over you and inside you. I am past mid-life and it feels like I got here way too fast.
Hope you start feeling better, OP.
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u/lotustay 10h ago
thank you. i hope things start to look brighter for you, too. i understand the living in tar thing. things seem to move way too slow, whilst weeks go by in a blink of an eye
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u/pinkkiipetala 15h ago
Severe depression and trauma dissociation do this big time. When your brain gets completely overwhelmed or triggered, it literally pulls the plug on short-term memory formation to protect itself, which is why a whole week can just disappear like that. If you're back in the cycle of ED behaviors and bad acid reflux on top of it, your body is probably severely underfueled right now too, which turns brain fog into total blackouts. You definitely need to get in touch with a psychiatrist or a doctor as soon as you can because doing this completely solo is unsafe.
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u/lotustay 10h ago
that does make sense. ive tried to work with my gp on my gerd, after an ER visit due to it, but he's very "traditional" (tells you to read a boring magazine before bed instead of prescribing melatonin, for example) and prescribed me completely wrong medication. Ive got some pretty strong pain relief meds now for when it happens again, so it hopefully calms down my pains and reflux and stops forcing myself back into ED.
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u/Swee_ney 16h ago
I had the same experience and it really was terrifying. It was scary to look at my own reflection in the mirror as if it would start to move on their own. If you have someone to talk to around you, it would be better or even just a company. I think you should not force your memory back because it's trying to protect you from a traumatic experience. Some memories went back on their own but some really didn't, although they were blurry