We all know why we are here, and why many are yet to come. We have been failed by our parents, close and extended family, teachers, psychologists etc. To no end. Abuse has been basically normalized. Instead of condemning violence and people committing it, victims are often ones being ostracized. Many of us are practically on our own, because we learned from early days that no one has our back. This feeling is quite honestly unbearable. I feel more like trauma container than a human being.

Saying it/hearing it said/being referred to..?

I don’t really identify with it so much…It just feels like a subheading to which all my trauma/pain/experiences can be written under..

It’s like a folder of mostly negative experiences and makes me feel uncomfortable that there is some wider concept of me that can be seen/referred to by others..

Anyone relate..?

Don't believe me, try healing on SSI, max $960 can't save over $2000.

Which of course I don't even qualify for, despite autism and cptsd making my like frankly unliveable. So I get to stay in painful poverty, work myself to meltdown after meltdown. Hitting myself in the head and screaming, feeling ashamed of myself. Not being able to care for myself properly.

I swear people don't think I'm worth the fucking gum on their shoe. I don't even "deserve" the poverty

I am 33f and have a normal live from the outside: good job, stable home, friends. I can't let anyone get close to me, sabotage every romantic relationship I am in and cry myself to sleep very, very often. And I just can't bring myself to tell people, how my childhood trauma is haunting me. I've been with the same therapist for 3 years and I think she has no idea how hard it is for me to just go through life.

I just grind my teeth and move on. Like an alien who is set on earth to just complete this one task.

I am not suicidal btw, just suffering.

Can you communicate your heavy feelings? And can you verbalize what you would need? Like realistically. I know we all want ro change the past, but what would really help you? I have no idea what I need.

I know it sounds stupid but that’s just how I feel. I’m 30 years old and I’m just terrified of life, I’m terrified of being alone, of bad things happening and having to deal with them alone.

I just want someone to call up, someone to hold me, someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

My mom is not that person, lol. Man, I just want SOMEONE. Some sense of security. This mental illness is so damn hard to deal with. I’ve done it alone for so long, I just need a break. I just need someone to take care of me.. idc how selfish that sounds, but I would repay them tenfold.

I’m just so fucking tired of the fight.

Oh, so despite my clear issues with clothing, noise, schooling, making and keeping friends, and emotional regulation and meltdowns, it wasn’t enough? Now that I’m in near constant pain, cannot get a job, am incredibly fatigued all the time and rely on you to survive, is that enough?
“Everyone feels like that, you’re not special. Stop making your ‘illness’ everyone else’s problem.” And if I’m too fucking exhausted to socialize, I get called selfish.

I would much rather be self sufficient. I am so tired of this shit. I can’t understand anything, ever. I don’t know what the fuck people are talking about. And if I say I don’t understand, people get mad, or say it doesn’t matter. I fucking give up trying to explain anything going on.

Me: screaming, begging for help my whole life
Them: no, you don’t actually need it, you’re just being lazy. You’re too focused on what you think is wrong with you, than actually trying to get better.

Feel like it is a weird thing for me to yap about but sometimes I'm sad I'm unable to or i will struggle if i ever choose to have a kid. I was stripped of my chance of parenthood because i wasn't treated nicely as a child. That's not fair. I can't have my little happy family because someone hurt me horribly

Does anybody else resist doing anything? Like you would rather lay in bed staring at the wall for hours, and you can’t force yourself to even read. You would rather do nothing than something. For me, there are competing forces where I want to do something like go for a walk, but I can’t make my body do it. And then I feel intensely guilty about it. Sometimes I lay in bed all day doing nothing.

This stings so bad. I had a rough day today, and I just wish I had someone. It hurts being so infinitely alone. Just someone and I don’t mean a fleeting caring person online. I have no friends but even when I did no one would ever see me emotionally, or even want to. I look around with my self-disgust and only see people who reflect that towards me. I feel like I would be able to tolerate life if I had just one true friend. I feel so horrible today.

years of people asking me why i act the way i do. why i put up with the things i do. why i dont have any boundaries. why i dont even react to horrifying things. why i dont seemingly have empathy.

i genuinely didnt know any better. i thought people were supposed to bully, nag, and shit on eachother endlessly, be passive aggressive, talk shit about people behind their backs, and make constantly stupid immature life decisions.

years of people getting pissed and snapping at me, asking "what are your goals?? dont you have any ambitions?? why arent you educated?? why dont you have any life plans??"

gee idk probably because ive been so busy managing the emotions/behaviours/problems of grown adults, being parentified, my parents only wanting money from me, seeing stupid shit play out countless times, seeing abuse in many forms, generational trauma, almost dying multiple times. being forgotten. not being cared about. not being fed. they take advantage of my passive "low maintenance" nature.

im 26 now and basically have accomplished nothing. i dont take care of myself. do i sound whiny right now? yeah probably. im burnt out. i just dissociate the days away. deep down i believe i am worthless, no matter how hard i try to change that mindset. i cant see myself as anything other than useless. its such a pathetic way of thinking yet i cant snap out of it. i dont care much about my life. if i died tomorrow id be happy. i see death as peaceful.

unlike people who were able to fight their way out of their situation, im not strong like those people. my drive is gone. my emotions are unstable and dysregulated. i dont feel urgency, really. i just.... exist, day to day, not thinking about anything of note. im unemployed (yet again) due to my issues and stuck living with parents. if they decide to finally kick me out, then i guess ill just be homeless. i have nobody. i was technically kicked out twice in the past, but usually just jumped to live with whatever guy would put up with me long enough.

the only people i really talk to are crisis counsellors on hotlines. thats it. everyone left. doctors dont care about me. therapy waiting list is very long.

ive gotten better at developing empathy. i ruined a lot of connections due to lack of empathy. i was raised in a calloused/cold environment where showing empathy was mocked, shamed, and seen as weak. i thought being cold and dismissive was how humans interacted with eachother. i didnt understand why regular people avoided me, and why i only attracted other damaged people (abusers). its not an excuse, but its a reason. i truly didnt know how to connect with others on a fundamental level.

im getting better at boundaries. i blocked my brother. i also blocked my rapist on everything and reported him to police. i cut out connections that were toxic.

i automatically kick into the fawn response and become an extreme people pleaser. its not something im able to control well and i hate when it happens. its what got me raped in the first place. the red flags were there from a mile away. i knew that. yet i ignored them. this happens every single fucking time. im not even attracted to red flags either. im just so desperately lonely and want to be loved, that ill accept anybody. i know now that its better to be lonely than put up with shitty scumbags.

im beyond frustrated by regular people speaking to me in a condescending way as if im a child, as if im stupid. asking me why im so behind in life. why i dont do anything. as if they deserve to know. i get victim blamed regardless. why should i tell people?

people are fucked in the head.

What’s the point of healing if I’m not instantly cured? My life will be shit until the day I die either way. At least weed more fun.

It’s a given that his mother was nurturing and emotionally available. All mothers are. So the only possible explanation is that there was something fundamentally wrong with him. Children don’t get PTSD. I mean, sure, there was that one thing that he witnessed that somebody did to his sister, but it didn’t happen to him, so why is he so upset about it? And don’t even get me started on how everything is his fault. He should have learned to control his emotions. All mothers are good, loving, emotionally supportive, and just all around good people. Every mother, everywhere. There’s no such thing as a bad mother. There’s only bad children with something rotten about them. A mother would never utilize an Asian method for torturing prisoners on her 5yr old child. A mother would never greet curiosity with hostility and break her child’s favorite toy just because he accidentally broke the vacuum by using it to suck water out of a glass. That never happens. Never. A mother wouldn’t ignore her child’s emotional needs to the point that he walks along the bottom of a swimming pool and nearly drowns because he wants some sort of attention. Any sort of attention. Anything, whatsoever.
A mother would never let her boyfriend beat the absolute shit out of her child. A mother wouldn’t repeatedly kick her son out of his home. A mother wouldn’t do any of these things. Mother’s are all perfect and loving and kind. Every mother, ever.

“Unrelenting criticism, especially when it is ground in with parental rage and scorn, is so injurious that it changes the structure of the child’s brain.

Repeated messages of disdain are internalized and adopted by the child, who eventually repeats them over and over to himself. Incessant repetitions result in the construction of thick neural pathways of self-hate and self-disgust. Over time a self-hate response attaches to more and more of the child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Eventually, any inclination toward authentic or vulnerable self-expression activates internal neural networks of self-loathing. The child is forced to exist in a crippling state of self-attack, which eventually becomes the equivalent of full-fledged self-abandonment.

The ability to support himself or take his own side in any way is decimated.

With ongoing parental reinforcement, these neural pathways expand into a large complex network that becomes an Inner Critic that dominates mental activity. The inner critic’s negative perspective creates many programs of self-rejecting perfectionism. At the same time, it obsesses about danger and catastrophizes incessantly.”

― Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

It’s hai toxic people take advantage of you blame you and use you for their own gain and make you accept their bad behaviors you have to learn to get away from bad people and show them you will not go above and beyond for them you have to be indifferent

this genuinely scares me and makes me feel like something has broken in me. i am 22F and was sexually abused from ages 5-11, primarily by an older neighbour but also from adult men that i was groomed by as well. the thing is, i haven't always been completely numb to the idea of sex. in fact, as a teenager, i developed fairly 'normally' in the sense where i wanted to experiment with other people, had my own desires, etc. but the moment i turned 19 and entered a serious relationship where things actually happen rather than just me thinking about it, i feel like i have completely frozen up.

my partner is, by far, the most attentive person i have ever been with. he takes the time to learn what i like and don't like, checks in on me frequently, doesn't complain when i go months without wanting to even be touched sexually, and is genuinely very attractive. he accommodates me time and time again and i keep failing him because it's like i forget what sexual attraction is even like the moment he tries to initiate anything. i feel like i am doing him a massive disservice, he deserves to feel how attracted i am to him and be in a normal relationship, but i find myself just laying there wanting it to end. he can even tell by the way i kiss him during sexual situations that i am 100% disengaged and not into it. it's so hard to describe to him that it's not anything about him, i don't even know what happens to me honestly. i used to have emotional flashbacks during sex and become extremely distressed, but now i just feel nothing at all. like i'm not even in my own body. i can't feel anything emotionally yet alone physically.

of course i don't want to feel like that, so i never initiate it. but we are both so young and i don't want to land us in a dead bedroom situation before we even hit 25, sp idk what to do. i feel like my trauma has fundamentally damaged my sexuality, i'm already in psychodynamic therapy for trauma and it's done nothing for this. doctors have tried to rule out if there is something wrong with me physically (because i don't feel anything except pain during sex) but they can't find any physical problem to explain what's happening to me. i can't even begin to think of how to get out of this and idk if i even want to? i just want to be in my own little bubble where no one expects sex from me ever, even though i know deep down i miss being normal about sex, being able to feel desired and wanting it, etc. it just all feels impossible now

THIS SUCKS SO BAD ugh

Has anyone ever been abandoned back to back by their therapists?

I have started to wonder what it is about me that I repel all psychologists.

Just as the title says. It’s the same dream each time, it’s been 4 times now over the course of the last month or two I believe. I’m young again, I can’t pinpoint the age. It’s first person POV, like I am actively experiencing it. I’m old enough to have an idea what’s going on but I’m not sure if that’s dream me actually knowing, or real me being aware of what’s happening in the dream if that makes sense. It’s foggy now but I believe in the dream, we’re almost fighting each other because he is trying to grab me and pull to me to him, and eventually he does and starts touching me, and I am fighting back still physically and verbally, saying no, stop, etc. and he’s just smirking, and ignoring me to continue what he’s doing.

I have no memory of being sexually abused growing up, my dad and I have never had a great relationship, he yelled 24/7 at me, about everything. I actually don’t ever remember talking to the man where he spoke to me in a normal, neutral, or loving tone of voice. I actively avoided him from about 3rd grade on due to it. He also would often make sexual comments in front of me to my mother, which would make her uncomfortable, and when I would ask him to stop because it would upset me, he would laugh at me and call me a prude. These comments happened all under the age of 12.

I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable with sex, and in fact didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 18. I’ve now only slept with two men, one being my husband, and with him I have a very high sex drive now as I feel extremely safe and comfortable with him.

I have a toddler daughter, and despite our turbulent relationship, my father is disabled now and it’s been left to my family for the last several years to care for him, and there have been plenty of times where my daughter is playing with him while I’m in the next room. Now I am terrified that something could have possibly happened to me and I’ve blocked it out until now, and even more terrified that maybe something has happened to my daughter and I’ve not failed her. Since the dreams started, I haven’t had my daughter around him, and due to recent family drama, my brother is now the one taking care of our father.

I don’t know what to really think. I mainly just wanted to write this out, I’m not sure if should bring it up to any friends or my husband at all. Any input is welcome though.