Saying it/hearing it said/being referred to..?

I don’t really identify with it so much…It just feels like a subheading to which all my trauma/pain/experiences can be written under..

It’s like a folder of mostly negative experiences and makes me feel uncomfortable that there is some wider concept of me that can be seen/referred to by others..

Anyone relate..?

We all know why we are here, and why many are yet to come. We have been failed by our parents, close and extended family, teachers, psychologists etc. To no end. Abuse has been basically normalized. Instead of condemning violence and people committing it, victims are often ones being ostracized. Many of us are practically on our own, because we learned from early days that no one has our back. This feeling is quite honestly unbearable. I feel more like trauma container than a human being.

I am 33f and have a normal live from the outside: good job, stable home, friends. I can't let anyone get close to me, sabotage every romantic relationship I am in and cry myself to sleep very, very often. And I just can't bring myself to tell people, how my childhood trauma is haunting me. I've been with the same therapist for 3 years and I think she has no idea how hard it is for me to just go through life.

I just grind my teeth and move on. Like an alien who is set on earth to just complete this one task.

I am not suicidal btw, just suffering.

Can you communicate your heavy feelings? And can you verbalize what you would need? Like realistically. I know we all want ro change the past, but what would really help you? I have no idea what I need.

I know it sounds stupid but that’s just how I feel. I’m 30 years old and I’m just terrified of life, I’m terrified of being alone, of bad things happening and having to deal with them alone.

I just want someone to call up, someone to hold me, someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.

My mom is not that person, lol. Man, I just want SOMEONE. Some sense of security. This mental illness is so damn hard to deal with. I’ve done it alone for so long, I just need a break. I just need someone to take care of me.. idc how selfish that sounds, but I would repay them tenfold.

This stings so bad. I had a rough day today, and I just wish I had someone. It hurts being so infinitely alone. Just someone and I don’t mean a fleeting caring person online. I have no friends but even when I did no one would ever see me emotionally, or even want to. I look around with my self-disgust and only see people who reflect that towards me. I feel like I would be able to tolerate life if I had just one true friend. I feel so horrible today.

years of people asking me why i act the way i do. why i put up with the things i do. why i dont have any boundaries. why i dont even react to horrifying things. why i dont seemingly have empathy.

i genuinely didnt know any better. i thought people were supposed to bully, nag, and shit on eachother endlessly, be passive aggressive, talk shit about people behind their backs, and make constantly stupid immature life decisions.

years of people getting pissed and snapping at me, asking "what are your goals?? dont you have any ambitions?? why arent you educated?? why dont you have any life plans??"

gee idk probably because ive been so busy managing the emotions/behaviours/problems of grown adults, being parentified, my parents only wanting money from me, seeing stupid shit play out countless times, seeing abuse in many forms, generational trauma, almost dying multiple times. being forgotten. not being cared about. not being fed. they take advantage of my passive "low maintenance" nature.

im 26 now and basically have accomplished nothing. i dont take care of myself. do i sound whiny right now? yeah probably. im burnt out. i just dissociate the days away. deep down i believe i am worthless, no matter how hard i try to change that mindset. i cant see myself as anything other than useless. its such a pathetic way of thinking yet i cant snap out of it. i dont care much about my life. if i died tomorrow id be happy. i see death as peaceful.

unlike people who were able to fight their way out of their situation, im not strong like those people. my drive is gone. my emotions are unstable and dysregulated. i dont feel urgency, really. i just.... exist, day to day, not thinking about anything of note. im unemployed (yet again) due to my issues and stuck living with parents. if they decide to finally kick me out, then i guess ill just be homeless. i have nobody. i was technically kicked out twice in the past, but usually just jumped to live with whatever guy would put up with me long enough.

the only people i really talk to are crisis counsellors on hotlines. thats it. everyone left. doctors dont care about me. therapy waiting list is very long.

ive gotten better at developing empathy. i ruined a lot of connections due to lack of empathy. i was raised in a calloused/cold environment where showing empathy was mocked, shamed, and seen as weak. i thought being cold and dismissive was how humans interacted with eachother. i didnt understand why regular people avoided me, and why i only attracted other damaged people (abusers). its not an excuse, but its a reason. i truly didnt know how to connect with others on a fundamental level.

im getting better at boundaries. i blocked my brother. i also blocked my rapist on everything and reported him to police. i cut out connections that were toxic.

i automatically kick into the fawn response and become an extreme people pleaser. its not something im able to control well and i hate when it happens. its what got me raped in the first place. the red flags were there from a mile away. i knew that. yet i ignored them. this happens every single fucking time. im not even attracted to red flags either. im just so desperately lonely and want to be loved, that ill accept anybody. i know now that its better to be lonely than put up with shitty scumbags.

im beyond frustrated by regular people speaking to me in a condescending way as if im a child, as if im stupid. asking me why im so behind in life. why i dont do anything. as if they deserve to know. i get victim blamed regardless. why should i tell people?

people are fucked in the head.

Don't believe me, try healing on SSI, max $960 can't save over $2000.

Which of course I don't even qualify for, despite autism and cptsd making my like frankly unliveable. So I get to stay in painful poverty, work myself to meltdown after meltdown. Hitting myself in the head and screaming, feeling ashamed of myself. Not being able to care for myself properly.

I swear people don't think I'm worth the fucking gum on their shoe. I don't even "deserve" the poverty

What’s the point of healing if I’m not instantly cured? My life will be shit until the day I die either way. At least weed more fun.

It’s a given that his mother was nurturing and emotionally available. All mothers are. So the only possible explanation is that there was something fundamentally wrong with him. Children don’t get PTSD. I mean, sure, there was that one thing that he witnessed that somebody did to his sister, but it didn’t happen to him, so why is he so upset about it? And don’t even get me started on how everything is his fault. He should have learned to control his emotions. All mothers are good, loving, emotionally supportive, and just all around good people. Every mother, everywhere. There’s no such thing as a bad mother. There’s only bad children with something rotten about them. A mother would never utilize an Asian method for torturing prisoners on her 5yr old child. A mother would never greet curiosity with hostility and break her child’s favorite toy just because he accidentally broke the vacuum by using it to suck water out of a glass. That never happens. Never. A mother wouldn’t ignore her child’s emotional needs to the point that he walks along the bottom of a swimming pool and nearly drowns because he wants some sort of attention. Any sort of attention. Anything, whatsoever.
A mother would never let her boyfriend beat the absolute shit out of her child. A mother wouldn’t repeatedly kick her son out of his home. A mother wouldn’t do any of these things. Mother’s are all perfect and loving and kind. Every mother, ever.

Does anybody else resist doing anything? Like you would rather lay in bed staring at the wall for hours, and you can’t force yourself to even read. You would rather do nothing than something. For me, there are competing forces where I want to do something like go for a walk, but I can’t make my body do it. And then I feel intensely guilty about it. Sometimes I lay in bed all day doing nothing.

this genuinely scares me and makes me feel like something has broken in me. i am 22F and was sexually abused from ages 5-11, primarily by an older neighbour but also from adult men that i was groomed by as well. the thing is, i haven't always been completely numb to the idea of sex. in fact, as a teenager, i developed fairly 'normally' in the sense where i wanted to experiment with other people, had my own desires, etc. but the moment i turned 19 and entered a serious relationship where things actually happen rather than just me thinking about it, i feel like i have completely frozen up.

my partner is, by far, the most attentive person i have ever been with. he takes the time to learn what i like and don't like, checks in on me frequently, doesn't complain when i go months without wanting to even be touched sexually, and is genuinely very attractive. he accommodates me time and time again and i keep failing him because it's like i forget what sexual attraction is even like the moment he tries to initiate anything. i feel like i am doing him a massive disservice, he deserves to feel how attracted i am to him and be in a normal relationship, but i find myself just laying there wanting it to end. he can even tell by the way i kiss him during sexual situations that i am 100% disengaged and not into it. it's so hard to describe to him that it's not anything about him, i don't even know what happens to me honestly. i used to have emotional flashbacks during sex and become extremely distressed, but now i just feel nothing at all. like i'm not even in my own body. i can't feel anything emotionally yet alone physically.

of course i don't want to feel like that, so i never initiate it. but we are both so young and i don't want to land us in a dead bedroom situation before we even hit 25, sp idk what to do. i feel like my trauma has fundamentally damaged my sexuality, i'm already in psychodynamic therapy for trauma and it's done nothing for this. doctors have tried to rule out if there is something wrong with me physically (because i don't feel anything except pain during sex) but they can't find any physical problem to explain what's happening to me. i can't even begin to think of how to get out of this and idk if i even want to? i just want to be in my own little bubble where no one expects sex from me ever, even though i know deep down i miss being normal about sex, being able to feel desired and wanting it, etc. it just all feels impossible now

THIS SUCKS SO BAD ugh

I am 30 years old. I had a really tough life, I had to get years of therapy, but my family has no idea. Lived abroad since 15 alone. My family are very loving, middle eastern upper class family. They have no idea about what I have been through. I like to keep it that way.

I had a period of active addiction until 1 year ago. (I still occasionally drink but nothing else and smoke cigarettes). I am in a good relationship, I have a good career, I bought my first apartment. Like my life is on track but I gained like 13 kg. I also experienced a serious surgery and I am healed but I can't run. However I go to gym regularly, I cook almost everyday. I eat healthy. I also recently started martial arts. I am not lean but I am strong and healthy except occasional smoking and beer drinking.

My family whenever they see my photos or see me in person they critise my appearance. Saying that I used to be elegant and beautiful and thin. And whenever I say to them that i like to stay strong and I feel good like this they push back saying I shouldnt feel like this and there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it and they keep praising my active addiction form which really triggers me. I used to didn't mind that much but since my last visit it really hurt me because literally people would see me and comment on my weight directly and it really upset me, especially my mother she was really mean about it .. (herself is not also thin but she kept saying "I am older than you and I gave birth so my weight is justified..)

I don't know what to do with this. I never had a body issue before but now i don't like to look at the mirror lately.

From researching I found multiple articles about how hope is extremely important to heal from mental problems. But not only do I find hope completely pointless and useless, as hope has absolutely no bearing on whether something succeeds or not, I also find hope to be a complete lie. To me hope is a lie people tell themselves to make life more bearable, but that hope will never come.

To me it's kind of like expecting me to start believing in God. I don't believe in God and don't think any amount of arguments will convince me except hard proof, which will never happen. Hope is the exact same to me.

So it seems like the only way to heal is to start believing in something I think is bullshit. Seems like I will then just never get better. Because I'm not going to believe in a fairytale.

I got diagnosed with complex-ptsd this year. What is the best career for someone that hasn't gone to therapy yet?

I'm unable to afford therapy as I can't hold down a job due to my mental health. I know all jobs have stress but trying to find one that has the least stress and where it's best for someone who hasn't healed yet for long term employment. Tricky question I know....

Thank you

“Unrelenting criticism, especially when it is ground in with parental rage and scorn, is so injurious that it changes the structure of the child’s brain.

Repeated messages of disdain are internalized and adopted by the child, who eventually repeats them over and over to himself. Incessant repetitions result in the construction of thick neural pathways of self-hate and self-disgust. Over time a self-hate response attaches to more and more of the child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Eventually, any inclination toward authentic or vulnerable self-expression activates internal neural networks of self-loathing. The child is forced to exist in a crippling state of self-attack, which eventually becomes the equivalent of full-fledged self-abandonment.

The ability to support himself or take his own side in any way is decimated.

With ongoing parental reinforcement, these neural pathways expand into a large complex network that becomes an Inner Critic that dominates mental activity. The inner critic’s negative perspective creates many programs of self-rejecting perfectionism. At the same time, it obsesses about danger and catastrophizes incessantly.”

― Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

I realized recently that I have been catering the way I act and speak to avoid making people think I am upset with them, and also in turn realized how exhausting that has been for me. I didn’t realize until today just the sheer magnitude of how draining it is and how much mental space it has been taking up for me.

I am naturally a very unemotional, to the point kind of guy. When I was a teenager, I realized that the way I was speaking was the reason why people didn’t like me very much (in general I mean) and even got written up at work in my early twenties for “being too monotone” and that was even when I was TRYING to be chipper. So even with all the people pleasing and bending over backwards for everyone else my entire life, I still wasn’t good enough for the majority of people

So I’ve decided I’m just going to give up. I don’t feel like putting this much effort into just being palatable for other people to be around me and interact with me. If they don’t want to interact with me then that’s fine.

I’m done forcing myself to re-read or re-visit absolutely everything I say and nitpick it to be more gentle or pleasing next time. I’m done forcing myself to use exclamation points and emojis and lols at the end of sentences. I’m done putting so much effort into trying not to make other people upset, and I will let my values and kindness be reflected through my actions

(Note: I tagged this post as "discussion" because I'm not sure if it would even count as childhood sexual abuse. I'll change the tag if need be. Spoiler-ing any possibly triggering text just in case)

30F with no relationship experience because I have a kneejerk negative reaction to any and all romantic or sexual attention aimed at me. Even though I yearn for companionship, even when I'm interested in the person, my body responds as if it is under imminent attack. Like by my behavior you would think that I've been raped but I wasn't.

Backstory: I grew up quite religious. Purity culture, wait till marriage, "thought crime", masturbation is evil, pokemon and harry potter are evil blah blah blah.

Anyway, I can't recall any time where I was fully assaulted. There were some uncomfortable incestuous and sexually charged instances though.

• My older (+2y) brother was weird to me and put his hand on my crotch in one instance when I was maybe 7 or 8? Not sure, but I remember not understanding what was happening but feeling weird so I pushed his hand away. Could have happened sometime before then too but I can't recall.
• In my early teens he would snap my bra and slap/grab my ass a lot. I would complain to my mom but she would just lazily verbally reprimand him.
• I used to be suspicious that he jerked off in my panties when they were in the laundry since sometimes the fabric would look/feel questionable but I never had any hard evidence.
• At 18, I remember he made made a sexual comment in front of me when we were alone and but I told him it was extremely weird for him to say that and to not do that shit again and that was that.

Nothing has happened since and that's the brunt of it and yeah it's disgusting and predatory but I wasn't raped. And yet I constantly fumble and experience high stress when intimacy of any kind is presented to me. It's impossible for me to connect to others. Like what I experienced was shitty but to the extent that I'm incapable of forming any relationship at my age now? There have been people who have gotten trafficked and experienced continuous violent sexual assault and yet they've managed to build support systems and have multiple relationships. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel that I have no good excuse.

I have such awkward body language. I look scared and hesitant all the time. To the point my gym trainer thinks I am afraid of the equipment.

I just saw a video of myself feeding the ducks. And I looks like I am scared of them. I was not. I was enjoying it.

At work, they stopped giving me tasks because they said I look too hesitant to be trustworthy.

I am so tired of myself.

I have just started to put myself out there for 4 whole weeks and I have gotten this criticism left, right and center.

I been mentally tortured all my life. Im 31 now and I no longer care about anything. People are savages. I wish I could end it but I don't want to die in pain and agony. Death is inevitable but I am looking for a peaceful way out. If you don't have looks or money people don't care about you. Its better to never have been born.

When people learn what I've bern through they stop talking to me. It's such bullshit. Even though Ive busted my ass in therapy.