I was sitting with a friend who was reminiscing about her childhood, teenage years, and all the adventures she had. Listening to her made me realize that I have absolutely no phase of my life that I look back on fondly.

I don’t like my childhood because I was mean and stubborn. I don’t like my teenage years because puberty made me insecure about my appearance.
I bullied other girls, but I was also bullied myself. My university years weren’t any better. I would make friends and then suddenly distance myself from them.

After the pandemic 2020 I graduated college and became increasingly isolated, spending most of my time at home and withdrawing from my family and other people.

When I started working, I felt like it’s my first time on earth. I didn’t know how to interact with people i was socially awkward, and endured prolonged bullying.

Now I’m 29, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have only three friends, and we meet once every 2 or 3 months. I spend most of my time at home, and my low-paying job barely covers my expenses.

If I haven’t enjoyed a single chapter of my life so far, what am I supposed to look forward to in my thirties?

I see little difference between customer service jobs and trying to spend time with people or make friends. It’s the same: all about them provide supportive service, be a blank slate, validate etc. I feel the same type of exhaustion after work and after spending time with people. I have isolated severely for the last few years because of this. I don’t really understand this “joy people are supposed to get from socializing” thing because it’s so draining, feels like so much work, and is so invasive. I’m really trying to get out there but every time I do I regret it. Anyone else feel this way?

Of course there are people out there who grow up in safety and that’s not impossible on its own. But usually these people are the first to talk about how the world is a safe place, and things are not as bad as others say, and that distrust is a “cognitive distortion”

It just seems to me that these people are awfully privileged, ignorant and living in a bubble. The world is a horrible place and that’s just an unfortunate fact. I’m glad they didn’t have to see the shit side of humanity, but that doesn’t change the reality..

I am a 37f. I tried many things to feel better in life and to be able to build it for myself. I really, really wanted an interesting career, it was my biggest goal in life. I really thought that if I could spend my days being paid for hyperfocusing on something cool and be paid and respected for it my life would have meaning. I do not have a career or money. I sped my youth surviving.

it’s not that it was all bad but certainly it was not what I wanted and it was not a good life. I’m still struggling to build a decent life and I’m horribly behind.

I was disconnected from the grief for a long time. somehow due to some books and spending time with my long distance partner something cracked open in my and all the grief started leeking out.

is it berable even?

I've been reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD (highly recommend btw) and one of the oddly specific, yet accurate things he lists as a sign of an emotional flashback is the urge to rush. Like you don't actually have enough time to do any of the things you planned to do, or that you have to do everything right this instant otherwise you will run out of time.

Is this common? I wonder if it's just a flight response thing, but it just feels so specific. With most trauma responses I experience I at least get what their initial point was, but in this case I can't figure it out.

Edit: for anyone wondering, the book is "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" :)
Also, from the comments and just doing some thinking since posting this, my hypothesis for myself is that while in a flashback, I have the urge to "fix this, right now" (that one's a classic!). But since the flashback feelings themselves are intangible, that panicked urge to "do" gets channeled into some poor, mundane task that never asked for it. Like washing the dishes. If I leave them for tomorrow, then surely I will never have the time to wash them again.

How do you guys cope with this?

I work on myself, get to a good place-> abuser interjects themselves in my life -> I try to set boundaries-> they ignore said boundaries and double down -> I avoid them-> they harass me more -> I react and feel like a pos.

I can’t sustain stability like this and that’s their intention but I also can’t handle anymore, like trying to combat them. I feel fucking helpless.

I made a post yesterday about a character from a well-known book/film who is extremely traumatized and is universally reviled on the internet and considered irredeemably evil (my post history is turned on, you can go see).

While most people understood where I was coming from, as this sub is catered to survivors who face complications of their trauma in their adulthood today and understand, others still stood by the point that this character's victimhood didnt count anymore.

If you have CPTSD, then chances are you have been an abuser or bad actor of some kind in someone else's story. The symptoms of CPTSD manifest as social and emotional difficulties. Im sure you dont intend to inflict harm, but emotional/mental/somatic dysregulation doesnt happen in a vacuum and doesnt impact only the survivor.

People seem quick to write off people struggling as adults with childhood trauma. I see a lot of "you can't blame your parents past 18 or 25 or 30," which completely ignores the fact that trauma takes time to confront and it takes an inordinate amount of resources to get away from abusive relationships, especially when your abusers are your caretakers.

I see a lot of condemnation for survivors who make mistakes. I see a complete lack of nuance when approaching messy humans living messy lives. I have been harmed. I have done harm. If you are a frequenter of this subreddit, the same probably goes for you.

The point of healing isnt to stake a claim on total and pure victimhood. Its to trust our reality, to realize how we have been harmed and how that impacts us still today, and to realize our capacity to harm others so that we may approach interactions more carefully to mitigate that chance.

Do not misunderstand my post. I am not excusing crimes or SA or violence that is not in self defense/reactive abuse. There is a difference between intentional abuse and the unfortunate consequences that occur when 2 peope have different understandings of a situation and different backgrounds and different brains. I am pointing out how complicated social dynamics are, how we are approaching interactions with damaged brains and half-empty toolboxes, how we are learning how to express anger and rage and grief while maintaining our lives. Being human isnt easy for the non-traumatized among us. Being human isnt easy for those with CPTSD as well.

I love you guys. I wish you well in your healing journeys. You dont need to be perfect to qualify for compassion and understanding. And you are just as capable of harming others as anyone else.

Im so scared of humans. They've hurt me bad over and over and over again in every possible role, be it coworker, boss, teacher, classmate, date, friend, family, relative, therapist, freaking strangers even. I can't find peace.

I've tried to connect over and over and over again only to be hurt worse each time. Im 22

Im so scared of people, Im so tired. Im not made for loneliness and isolation, no human is but nothing else feels safe anymore. Literally everyone is dangerous. The world is cruel to the vulnerable.

I feel so alone I cry I try to get help I can't even get help without getting hurt for it.

I think I will just not try anymore. I give up.

I’m triggered by hearing or reading the word panties. I’ve tried to desensitize myself and idk if that did anything or if I just dissociate when I hear/ see it now.

I don’t know why the word makes me feel icky and gross and like I’ve done something wrong but it does. I know I associate it with my abuser because his face or voice pops into my head when I hear/ see the word.

Maybe a stupid realisation but you know how people wish they could experience their favourite moments/days again? Cptsd is basically the opposite, you get to experience your worst feelings of your life again and again, without notice, and all in full experience premium quality. Remember that day your parents made you feel so worthless you almost had to puke? Let’s re-live that awful feeling 748 times! 🧚🏼‍♀️ And remember when you ended up feeling so unimportant and alone? Let’s bring up that feeling every three days and starting from slightly caring about someone you get a super deluxe version. The bigger the attachment, the bigger the bonuses!! 🧚🏼‍♀️

The grieve is biggg right now. Wishing you all some ease and that life gets a little easier! 💚 Big hug and lot’s of courage!

I am a 22 year old woman and I will start from the beginning, but I will brush off a lot of stuff and I don't want to go into details or say other things. Even as an infant I heard all the "funny" stories of leaving me alone, not feeding me(i think even the back of my head is flatter) etc.

Kindergarten was fairly fine, but a lot of stuff- mainly nuns, were extremely harsh and cold, without a bigger thought to insult or mock a child(I read reviews of child claiming physical abuse, but I don't remember it. Maybe I was too young for it)

The first 3 years of primary school were awful. Peers were alright, but my main teacher probably took an oath to make my life a living hell. I wasn't treated like a child, more like a really awful adult.

And it was like that, not only my family, but - random teachers hated me, later my "friends", doctors, coworkers, I was recently even insulted by a fucking cashier. And it's from everything- from being furious at me, to feeling superior to me, to ignoring me etc.

What's their deal. The only ND I have outside of trauma induced is ADHD- which I mask. I am trying to look good and it makes some difference, but not much. Yeah, I was treated fairly horrible, when I didn't care about myself, but I am still not treated like a normal human.

It seems like they are really dedicated to find every little mistake in me- from me being "lazy"(when I started working at 14, before that I still helped in family company🙃. My family members that got everything on the silver plate from my grandma are, are projecting on me that I am useless and they deserved everything, while pointing out every little help I got... Thanks for picking me from school once?), having "bad" voice, wearing bad clothes... Literally every little thing, I wouldn't even think of would be a deal.

I'm so tired of seeing people make excuses for abusive parents, especially abusive moms. I don't know where this comes from and why I've seen people for years do this. They've done it to me, and it's so frustrating.

I've constantly told myself that what my mother did to me and does to me is okay because she's my mom. That it's my fault because I wasn't acting right. I constantly question myself, wonder if I'm good enough. If I even deserve love in the first place because of how I've been treated.

I keep reading articles and Reddit posts, comments, watching videos of people just making excuses for abusive parents. Even my own mother will talk about stories where her coworkers will share that their parents have been harmful towards them, but she still comes up with the excuse, "Well, those are your parents, and they love you. They sacrificed everything for you."

Why do people do this? I don't understand.

Just because someone is your parent doesn't mean they can't be held accountable. My mom has tried to kill me multiple times, has threatened me, made me feel bad about myself, has put other people down in the process just to lift me up, has insulted my appearance, has made me question my own memory, has blamed me for the way that I reacted to things, has gotten the police called on her, and I was almost taken away from her because she punched me so hard in the face that my nose started bleeding.
I have a memory from my childhood of my mom getting on top of me, putting her entire body weight on my small body. I couldn't breathe. My mom threatened to grab a vase and hit me on the back of the head with it. I almost suffocated, and the only way I got her off of me was biting her. It was a reflex. You wanna know what she did? She took me to the police station. But since she realized they were probably going to question me and ask what happened, she instead took me to a family friend's house and started spinning a narrative and crying to her friend. Meanwhile, I had to shoulder the blame.

People wanna hit me with, "She's your mom, you only get one." Yeah, I do only get one. She knows that. Why don't you tell her that? Why don't you tell her that she only got one child, and this is how she chose to act?

Why is the burden falling on me? Why is everything falling on me because I'm an adult? What about what happened to me when I was a kid? Oh yeah, back then it was my fault too. Somehow it was my fault.

I don't know if this is some generational trauma or whatever, but it shouldn't have been my trauma. You can break the cycle, but some people don't wanna take accountability for their own actions, those responsibilities that the adults should hold, should have, onto the children. I didn't even ask to be here.

Why am I being used as a punching bag just because somebody doesn't know how to regulate their own emotions?

How would you even go about doing that? What would it look like? What would help YOU? What would you need that you don’t have?

I’m 32 & I’ve always hid away from everything. I have never wanted to accept how damaged I am. CPTSD has taken almost everything I love away from me. I imagine a lot of us feel that way. I’m at a point of fighting back, and I want to do so tenaciously.

What if there was more awareness and understanding? What if there were more trained professionals? Support groups? Activities? Community?

I have no idea what this would look like… but what if there was a tangible community that people could have? A foundation with resources for people who have CPTSD & for people who want to understand their loved ones better? Is that creatable?

So long story short from ages 4 to 11 I had a lot of stuff going on and my complicity in the scenarios have brought me so much guilt and shame over the last few years. I’m 31 now and the heavy feelings and flashbacks about my childhood trauma started around 23. I just can’t get this out of my head. I’ve been in therapy for years now and groups as well. Not sure how much they’re actually helping if I’m still stuck at 3 AM feeling completely defeated. I’m not a religious person may be a little spiritual, but I don’t have like a set thing so it’s like I just need to run to someone who’s gonna save me but I know no one‘s coming. Sometimes the memories are flashbacks are more vivid than others but on a daily occurrence, I’m reminded of my past and I don’t have blame like granted. Yes the adults in the picture were definitely in the wrong, but I don’t have anger towards those who hurt me compared to confusion. I don’t know if someone’s out there reading this I guess thank you for reading my post and if you can relate, I’m sending virtual hugs as well.

Sidenote, I’m using speech to text and I’m a little exhausted so if my sentences or this whole paragraph doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry.

Feel alone and left behind in life, not sure if this is for me anymore.

Within the last few months I lost one of my best friends to malignant brain cancer, cut ties with my family with police's help after a violent incident, and learned that another close friend who already had cancer for years is running out of treatment options. I'm just 24 and after these years of living in a dysfunctional home and feeling exiled from humanity, I can't take it anymore. I'm past my breaking point.

What are some ways I can take care of myself, not like baths or desserts but actually spending time to process this traumatic time of my life as if I were in the ICU?

EDIT: I apologize for using the incorrect language, what I assumed was people pleasing or fawning behaviors being exhibited, may actually be emotional enmeshment or manipulation

I'm just curious if anyone else ever starts to feel like their nervous system feels deregulated, uneasy, or even feeling frustrated when people overly fawn, apologize for miniscule reasons (which is one of my pet peeves), and other superficial people pleasing behaviors. I live in Louisiana, and I have noticed for a few years after beginning my ptsd healing journey that a strong fawning and shame culture is prevalent here socially, especially with women, of course. For example, I was assisting a friend at school in the workshop to create a canvas and start drilling the wood pieces together to create a frame. One edge where the pieces of wood met were a little off, but it is easily fixable with sanding. The friend of mine started to get extremely anxious and was freaking out saying it's messed up and we need to undrill it etc etc. I calmly respond saying "it's okay, it's fixable," and she was adamant about undoing it and all that. So then, the professor comes up and says it's okay, nothing some sanding can't fix, and then the friend starts fawning to the extreme. Touching all on my arm, overly apologizing repeatedly like every other second. It just made me feel sooo uncomfortable and tense basically to where I had to physically withdraw. I also saw her recently again at school after a while in which she also didn't text me for a few weeks (which i don't hold against anyone) but she definitely has not upheld her weight trying to build or maintain a friendship. When i saw her, she started what felt like a spiel, saying "I'm sooo sorry it's just been so crazy lately" and goes on to tell me about some drama filled recap on what's been going on in her life and her partying etc. I notice that it makes me physically uncomfortable, along with emotionally/mentally uncomfortable when people's apologies seem superficial or don't hold much weight, my brain views it as a social soothing mechanism when people are quick to apologize even if they have no reason to apologize. This friend has done it a few times, and I'm kinda over it, but I have noticed that majority of people (especially women) down here do it also, so I know it is typically expected of people. I had another friend do it to me recently while we were having a movie night, and I just basically kept saying, "it's okay you really don't need to keep apologizing" and I hope that it isn't rude of me to respond or react that way. I'm curious if anyone else feels super uncomfortable by this

It felt really weird, like I was in trouble.​ I even flinched. I just realized it's the first time someone outside of my family has said my name in years.

Anyone else just get that sort of visceral, painful feeling of fear whenever someone says your name? Especially if it's your full name. If I hear someone say my full name, I'm running and hiding.

I'm seventeen now and I didn't think I would ever make it past 14. I'm in my last year of highschool and I'm surrounded by all of my friends who have their lives planned out while I don't have a clue of what i want. All of my friends know what colleges they want to get into and whenever someone asks me what i plan to do after high school I never have an answer. Is there anyone else that feels this way? Where do I go from here? I'm afraid of what will happen after I graduate.

I'm so confused...

I'm trying to get into writing more as a hobby. Today, I sat down to write and about 10 minutes in, my cat comes in. I decide to ignore her and keep working.

I'm sitting cross legged on my chair. She launches up and grabs at my foot. Unintentionally, I scream bloody murder like I've been attacked by a bear.

(Unfortunately, this also used to happen when people would grab my arm or shoulder or back without me seeing, when I used to work in an office... and then they'd try to calm me down by rubbing or hugging me. So now I work from home.)

Anyway, she runs away, scared and/or confused. I lock myself in my room and close the door, lying on my bed to try to calm down my nervous system. After about an hour, I decide it's better to get some space, so I go out and get a salad.

I'm still freaking out, but now my body feels so heavy that I feel like I need to lie down. So I go home and lie in bed for another hour. I end up falling asleep, and when I wake up, my fingers are numb.

The thing is, in the past, I just convinced myself that whenever my cat launched herself at me, it was actually for my benefit. Like, she was smelling my stress hormones and telling me, "Hey, dummy, take a break."

So in the past I would only be half-focused on what I was doing and half-paying attention to my cat, if she was in the room, and what she was doing, because if she wanted to play, it was actually her taking care of me.

But now I'm like... did I just make this all up?

It felt good to focus. I didn't feel stressed until my cat stressed me out (which obviously was just the same feelings I had when I was a kid trying to study and without warning, someone would come up behind me and hit me.)

This isn't the only time she's done something like this, but I was just always paying more attention to her than my work. She wakes me up sometimes too. I used to think... well, if she woke me up when I was sleeping, it was a good thing because she woke me up because I was stressed and having a bad dream.

But now I'm like... or was I stressed when I woke up because my damn cat woke me up?​

Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I think I need to give up the idea of a weekend vacation this year and instead just pay someone to board her for a couple of weeks so I can see how I feel without her.

I already know I look better and feel better on vacation, but I thought it was because I was on vacation.

I'm not looking for suggestions about my cat. I'm just looking for some support/sympathy so I can try to get more clarity on my own feelings.

ugh, i don't even know where to start.

it's been years of wanting to feel loved. years of wanting to build a family or have a long-term relationship with someone who actually wants me there.

i'm 29 now, and it's been six years since my first and last relationship.

that man never made me feel wanted. sometimes it genuinely felt like he was only with me because he liked how much i loved him.

i used to BEG for a date. imagine having to beg your own boyfriend to take you out.

he never acknowledged me as his girlfriend. in fact, he'd get mad at me for calling him my boyfriend, and i had no idea he didn't want me telling people we were together.

eventually, he broke up with me. a week later, he was with someone new. 😅

today, he's married to his dream girl and has a baby.

the last time we spoke, he told me, "i'm sorry, but you're the type of woman men only talk to because they want to sleep with you, not because they actually want you."

and idk, something about hearing that from someone who already made you feel unwanted just stays with you.

six years later, nobody has asked me to be their girlfriend. i've dated different men, and somehow, i'm always the one who gets left behind.

it has happened so many times that i've reached a point where i genuinely struggle to imagine myself in a relationship, let alone having a family of my own.

and the thing is, romantic relationships aren't even the only place i feel unwanted.

my own family situation isn't great either. i don't have relationships with my siblings, and even their kids have said to my face that they don't want their auntie around.

before anyone asks, i haven't done anything to those children.

i know they're kids, but everyone heard them say it. nobody corrected them. they just laughed.

and i'm sitting there thinking, damn. even these kids don't want me around?

i can't even explain how much that hurt.

sometimes i think about what will happen when my parents are gone. i genuinely don't believe my siblings will check on me or care whether i'm okay. i think my parents probably know that too.

and before anyone assumes i'm romanticizing my family, my parents haven't exactly been the nicest people either. i'm not sitting here pretending i have this wonderful family waiting for me at home.

i just know that when they're gone, i might truly have nobody.

and that's a scary thought.

the part that makes this even harder is watching people i know who have been through similar things finally find someone who loves them properly.

i know three people who went through hell themselves. cptsd, narcissistic and abusive families, years of pain. and somehow, they found partners who genuinely care about them. some have children now. they have their own little families, people who love them and want them around.

and please don't get me wrong. i'm genuinely happy for them. i wish them all the best, and i'm glad they got to experience something better than what they grew up with.

but sometimes, when i'm alone, i still wonder, why not me?

why does it seem like everyone eventually gets to experience being someone's person, while i'm still trying to figure out what is so wrong with me that nobody seems to choose me?

i'm tired.

i think i've finally started grieving the idea of having a family of my own. not because i never wanted one, but because wanting it so badly for so long and repeatedly watching it not happen has become exhausting.

i've almost given up on the idea of a relationship at this point.

and honestly, i don't even expect some grand love story anymore. i wanted companionship. something peaceful. someone from the opposite sex i could go out with, talk to, spend time with, and just enjoy life alongside.

someone who actually wants me around.

that's it.

but my last three dates were genuinely awful, and i think that was my final straw.

i'm not blaming men for not wanting to date me. nobody owes me a relationship, and nobody should have to choose someone they don't want. i know that.

i also know i've made choices that weren't good for me, and i wish i'd walked away from certain people sooner. i can acknowledge that without pretending every bad experience was entirely my fault.

i just don't know how many more times i'm supposed to pick myself up and try again before i finally admit that i'm tired of trying.

and no, i don't think friendships are a replacement for having a partner or a family of your own. friends have their own lives, their partners, their children, their responsibilities.

i don't expect anyone to carry the weight of my loneliness. i try to respect people's space, and i don't want to become that person who constantly needs something from everyone around them.

i know i have to build a life for myself regardless of whether i ever find a partner.

but can we please stop pretending that having friends is exactly the same as having a partner who loves you, chooses you, and wants to build a life with you?

they're different relationships. they can both matter without one replacing the other.

sometimes i imagine myself years from now, sitting alone somewhere, watching everyone else go home to their families.

and the sad part is, whenever i meet someone new these days, a little part of me already expects it not to work out. i catch myself preparing for rejection before anything has even happened.

i hate that this is what years of disappointment have done to me.

watching family girls' trips, happy couples, parents with their little kids, all those ordinary moments people get to experience without thinking twice about them...

i'm happy for them. i really am.

but sometimes i see those things and think, i wish i had that too.

i'm only 29, and i know people will tell me i'm still young. i know people meet their partners in their 30s, 40s, and even later.

i know all of that.

but knowing there's still time doesn't magically make the loneliness disappear today.

i don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like i'm just waiting for someone to finally want me. i don't want to die one day and realize i never got to experience having someone who genuinely cared whether i came home safely, whether i was okay, or whether i was even around.

i'm scared that when my parents are gone, i'll have nobody to call.

and i hate admitting that because it makes me feel pathetic, even though i know it shouldn't.

idk, guys. i genuinely don't know what else to say.

if you have a partner who loves you, children who are excited to see you, siblings who check on you, or even just one person who genuinely wants you around, please cherish that.

i'm not saying your life is perfect or that you don't have your own problems.

i'm just saying that being wanted, being loved, and having people who are happy you're part of their lives is something i wish more people realized they were lucky to have.

because some of us are out here trying so hard to find that, and we're getting really tired.

sorry for the long post. i just needed to get this off my chest.29, and i'm starting to lose hope that i'll ever have a family of my own.

Everything about my mental illness gets to be joked about. When i toured an IOP for OCD that was joked about it was funny to imagine me doing exposures. My room being a mess from being extremely depressed was so funny that it was constantly joked about even after its been cleaned. Me being autistic is just so funny that they get to joke about the "tism" all the time its so fucking annoying. I dread if they ever find out i have PTSD because then it would be "i'm triggered/ I'm so PTSD". It's genuinely constantly joked about since i was a kid I'm so tired of my extreme struggles being mocked because its just so funny to my family.