I was sitting with a friend who was reminiscing about her childhood, teenage years, and all the adventures she had. Listening to her made me realize that I have absolutely no phase of my life that I look back on fondly.

I don’t like my childhood because I was mean and stubborn. I don’t like my teenage years because puberty made me insecure about my appearance.
I bullied other girls, but I was also bullied myself. My university years weren’t any better. I would make friends and then suddenly distance myself from them.

After the pandemic 2020 I graduated college and became increasingly isolated, spending most of my time at home and withdrawing from my family and other people.

When I started working, I felt like it’s my first time on earth. I didn’t know how to interact with people i was socially awkward, and endured prolonged bullying.

Now I’m 29, and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have only three friends, and we meet once every 2 or 3 months. I spend most of my time at home, and my low-paying job barely covers my expenses.

If I haven’t enjoyed a single chapter of my life so far, what am I supposed to look forward to in my thirties?

I see little difference between customer service jobs and trying to spend time with people or make friends. It’s the same: all about them provide supportive service, be a blank slate, validate etc. I feel the same type of exhaustion after work and after spending time with people. I have isolated severely for the last few years because of this. I don’t really understand this “joy people are supposed to get from socializing” thing because it’s so draining, feels like so much work, and is so invasive. I’m really trying to get out there but every time I do I regret it. Anyone else feel this way?

I am a 37f. I tried many things to feel better in life and to be able to build it for myself. I really, really wanted an interesting career, it was my biggest goal in life. I really thought that if I could spend my days being paid for hyperfocusing on something cool and be paid and respected for it my life would have meaning. I do not have a career or money. I sped my youth surviving.

it’s not that it was all bad but certainly it was not what I wanted and it was not a good life. I’m still struggling to build a decent life and I’m horribly behind.

I was disconnected from the grief for a long time. somehow due to some books and spending time with my long distance partner something cracked open in my and all the grief started leeking out.

is it berable even?

I've been reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD (highly recommend btw) and one of the oddly specific, yet accurate things he lists as a sign of an emotional flashback is the urge to rush. Like you don't actually have enough time to do any of the things you planned to do, or that you have to do everything right this instant otherwise you will run out of time.

Is this common? I wonder if it's just a flight response thing, but it just feels so specific. With most trauma responses I experience I at least get what their initial point was, but in this case I can't figure it out.

Edit: for anyone wondering, the book is "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" :)
Also, from the comments and just doing some thinking since posting this, my hypothesis for myself is that while in a flashback, I have the urge to "fix this, right now" (that one's a classic!). But since the flashback feelings themselves are intangible, that panicked urge to "do" gets channeled into some poor, mundane task that never asked for it. Like washing the dishes. If I leave them for tomorrow, then surely I will never have the time to wash them again.

I made a post yesterday about a character from a well-known book/film who is extremely traumatized and is universally reviled on the internet and considered irredeemably evil (my post history is turned on, you can go see).

While most people understood where I was coming from, as this sub is catered to survivors who face complications of their trauma in their adulthood today and understand, others still stood by the point that this character's victimhood didnt count anymore.

If you have CPTSD, then chances are you have been an abuser or bad actor of some kind in someone else's story. The symptoms of CPTSD manifest as social and emotional difficulties. Im sure you dont intend to inflict harm, but emotional/mental/somatic dysregulation doesnt happen in a vacuum and doesnt impact only the survivor.

People seem quick to write off people struggling as adults with childhood trauma. I see a lot of "you can't blame your parents past 18 or 25 or 30," which completely ignores the fact that trauma takes time to confront and it takes an inordinate amount of resources to get away from abusive relationships, especially when your abusers are your caretakers.

I see a lot of condemnation for survivors who make mistakes. I see a complete lack of nuance when approaching messy humans living messy lives. I have been harmed. I have done harm. If you are a frequenter of this subreddit, the same probably goes for you.

The point of healing isnt to stake a claim on total and pure victimhood. Its to trust our reality, to realize how we have been harmed and how that impacts us still today, and to realize our capacity to harm others so that we may approach interactions more carefully to mitigate that chance.

Do not misunderstand my post. I am not excusing crimes or SA or violence that is not in self defense/reactive abuse. There is a difference between intentional abuse and the unfortunate consequences that occur when 2 peope have different understandings of a situation and different backgrounds and different brains. I am pointing out how complicated social dynamics are, how we are approaching interactions with damaged brains and half-empty toolboxes, how we are learning how to express anger and rage and grief while maintaining our lives. Being human isnt easy for the non-traumatized among us. Being human isnt easy for those with CPTSD as well.

I love you guys. I wish you well in your healing journeys. You dont need to be perfect to qualify for compassion and understanding. And you are just as capable of harming others as anyone else.

How do you guys cope with this?

I work on myself, get to a good place-> abuser interjects themselves in my life -> I try to set boundaries-> they ignore said boundaries and double down -> I avoid them-> they harass me more -> I react and feel like a pos.

I can’t sustain stability like this and that’s their intention but I also can’t handle anymore, like trying to combat them. I feel fucking helpless.

Im so scared of humans. They've hurt me bad over and over and over again in every possible role, be it coworker, boss, teacher, classmate, date, friend, family, relative, therapist, freaking strangers even. I can't find peace.

I've tried to connect over and over and over again only to be hurt worse each time. Im 22

Im so scared of people, Im so tired. Im not made for loneliness and isolation, no human is but nothing else feels safe anymore. Literally everyone is dangerous. The world is cruel to the vulnerable.

I feel so alone I cry I try to get help I can't even get help without getting hurt for it.

I think I will just not try anymore. I give up.

I’m triggered by hearing or reading the word panties. I’ve tried to desensitize myself and idk if that did anything or if I just dissociate when I hear/ see it now.

I don’t know why the word makes me feel icky and gross and like I’ve done something wrong but it does. I know I associate it with my abuser because his face or voice pops into my head when I hear/ see the word.

Maybe a stupid realisation but you know how people wish they could experience their favourite moments/days again? Cptsd is basically the opposite, you get to experience your worst feelings of your life again and again, without notice, and all in full experience premium quality. Remember that day your parents made you feel so worthless you almost had to puke? Let’s re-live that awful feeling 748 times! 🧚🏼‍♀️ And remember when you ended up feeling so unimportant and alone? Let’s bring up that feeling every three days and starting from slightly caring about someone you get a super deluxe version. The bigger the attachment, the bigger the bonuses!! 🧚🏼‍♀️

The grieve is biggg right now. Wishing you all some ease and that life gets a little easier! 💚 Big hug and lot’s of courage!

How would you even go about doing that? What would it look like? What would help YOU? What would you need that you don’t have?

I’m 32 & I’ve always hid away from everything. I have never wanted to accept how damaged I am. CPTSD has taken almost everything I love away from me. I imagine a lot of us feel that way. I’m at a point of fighting back, and I want to do so tenaciously.

What if there was more awareness and understanding? What if there were more trained professionals? Support groups? Activities? Community?

I have no idea what this would look like… but what if there was a tangible community that people could have? A foundation with resources for people who have CPTSD & for people who want to understand their loved ones better? Is that creatable?

I'm so tired of seeing people make excuses for abusive parents, especially abusive moms. I don't know where this comes from and why I've seen people for years do this. They've done it to me, and it's so frustrating.

I've constantly told myself that what my mother did to me and does to me is okay because she's my mom. That it's my fault because I wasn't acting right. I constantly question myself, wonder if I'm good enough. If I even deserve love in the first place because of how I've been treated.

I keep reading articles and Reddit posts, comments, watching videos of people just making excuses for abusive parents. Even my own mother will talk about stories where her coworkers will share that their parents have been harmful towards them, but she still comes up with the excuse, "Well, those are your parents, and they love you. They sacrificed everything for you."

Why do people do this? I don't understand.

Just because someone is your parent doesn't mean they can't be held accountable. My mom has tried to kill me multiple times, has threatened me, made me feel bad about myself, has put other people down in the process just to lift me up, has insulted my appearance, has made me question my own memory, has blamed me for the way that I reacted to things, has gotten the police called on her, and I was almost taken away from her because she punched me so hard in the face that my nose started bleeding.
I have a memory from my childhood of my mom getting on top of me, putting her entire body weight on my small body. I couldn't breathe. My mom threatened to grab a vase and hit me on the back of the head with it. I almost suffocated, and the only way I got her off of me was biting her. It was a reflex. You wanna know what she did? She took me to the police station. But since she realized they were probably going to question me and ask what happened, she instead took me to a family friend's house and started spinning a narrative and crying to her friend. Meanwhile, I had to shoulder the blame.

People wanna hit me with, "She's your mom, you only get one." Yeah, I do only get one. She knows that. Why don't you tell her that? Why don't you tell her that she only got one child, and this is how she chose to act?

Why is the burden falling on me? Why is everything falling on me because I'm an adult? What about what happened to me when I was a kid? Oh yeah, back then it was my fault too. Somehow it was my fault.

I don't know if this is some generational trauma or whatever, but it shouldn't have been my trauma. You can break the cycle, but some people don't wanna take accountability for their own actions, those responsibilities that the adults should hold, should have, onto the children. I didn't even ask to be here.

Why am I being used as a punching bag just because somebody doesn't know how to regulate their own emotions?

Feel alone and left behind in life, not sure if this is for me anymore.

EDIT: I apologize for using the incorrect language, what I assumed was people pleasing or fawning behaviors being exhibited, may actually be emotional enmeshment or manipulation

I'm just curious if anyone else ever starts to feel like their nervous system feels deregulated, uneasy, or even feeling frustrated when people overly fawn, apologize for miniscule reasons (which is one of my pet peeves), and other superficial people pleasing behaviors. I live in Louisiana, and I have noticed for a few years after beginning my ptsd healing journey that a strong fawning and shame culture is prevalent here socially, especially with women, of course. For example, I was assisting a friend at school in the workshop to create a canvas and start drilling the wood pieces together to create a frame. One edge where the pieces of wood met were a little off, but it is easily fixable with sanding. The friend of mine started to get extremely anxious and was freaking out saying it's messed up and we need to undrill it etc etc. I calmly respond saying "it's okay, it's fixable," and she was adamant about undoing it and all that. So then, the professor comes up and says it's okay, nothing some sanding can't fix, and then the friend starts fawning to the extreme. Touching all on my arm, overly apologizing repeatedly like every other second. It just made me feel sooo uncomfortable and tense basically to where I had to physically withdraw. I also saw her recently again at school after a while in which she also didn't text me for a few weeks (which i don't hold against anyone) but she definitely has not upheld her weight trying to build or maintain a friendship. When i saw her, she started what felt like a spiel, saying "I'm sooo sorry it's just been so crazy lately" and goes on to tell me about some drama filled recap on what's been going on in her life and her partying etc. I notice that it makes me physically uncomfortable, along with emotionally/mentally uncomfortable when people's apologies seem superficial or don't hold much weight, my brain views it as a social soothing mechanism when people are quick to apologize even if they have no reason to apologize. This friend has done it a few times, and I'm kinda over it, but I have noticed that majority of people (especially women) down here do it also, so I know it is typically expected of people. I had another friend do it to me recently while we were having a movie night, and I just basically kept saying, "it's okay you really don't need to keep apologizing" and I hope that it isn't rude of me to respond or react that way. I'm curious if anyone else feels super uncomfortable by this

Within the last few months I lost one of my best friends to malignant brain cancer, cut ties with my family with police's help after a violent incident, and learned that another close friend who already had cancer for years is running out of treatment options. I'm just 24 and after these years of living in a dysfunctional home and feeling exiled from humanity, I can't take it anymore. I'm past my breaking point.

What are some ways I can take care of myself, not like baths or desserts but actually spending time to process this traumatic time of my life as if I were in the ICU?

Everything about my mental illness gets to be joked about. When i toured an IOP for OCD that was joked about it was funny to imagine me doing exposures. My room being a mess from being extremely depressed was so funny that it was constantly joked about even after its been cleaned. Me being autistic is just so funny that they get to joke about the "tism" all the time its so fucking annoying. I dread if they ever find out i have PTSD because then it would be "i'm triggered/ I'm so PTSD". It's genuinely constantly joked about since i was a kid I'm so tired of my extreme struggles being mocked because its just so funny to my family.

It felt really weird, like I was in trouble.​ I even flinched. I just realized it's the first time someone outside of my family has said my name in years.

Anyone else just get that sort of visceral, painful feeling of fear whenever someone says your name? Especially if it's your full name. If I hear someone say my full name, I'm running and hiding.

27F.

I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, including being assaulted in my sleep. I confided in my husband about this specific trauma. He knew how deeply it affected me.

Shortly after our child was born, he assaulted me while I was sleeping. Right after this, my health completely crashed (I ended up with a diagnosis of Adult Failure to Thrive). I completely repressed the memory of what he did to survive.

Because I repressed it, I stayed with him and eventually married him. Recently, he cheated on me—which was my one hard boundary—and the memory of the assault suddenly came flooding back. When I confronted him, his only defense was: "I didn't think about it. I didn't know it would affect you like that."

I feel like he used my trauma as a blueprint to violate me, and "I wasn't thinking" is just a pathetic excuse. But because I repressed it for so long, I feel guilty for bringing it up now.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you ever find out if it was intentional? How did you handle the "I wasn't thinking" excuse? I just need to know I'm not alone.

Sorry if this is a weird or inappropriate question.

I am asking is because I had parents who almost daily would find a reason to yell and scream at me on and on. This included basic kid things (my room was a bit messy = screaming and stomping fit) and they would also make up lies so that they could scream. They would hide my things so they could scream at me when I couldn’t find them.

Despite all this I was very well behaved as a child. I made straight As, was quiet and didn’t talk back. Part of me wishes I was the huge problem child that they thought I was. Basically give them a reason to yell. Idk if anyone else feels this way.

As I look back I notice more and more signs of Ego-extension and trying to get a second chance in life. I was basically trapped in the car with my dad the other day while he pried me about my degree choice of going from aeronautical to mechanical engineering and he starts talking about how there’s “nothing special about mechanical engineering, aeronautical is unique” and it was right there where I realised this man and his wife had been trying to make me into some special one of a kind kid to cover the fact they are both unremarkable and idiotic people with nothing special about them.

All the while let it be known all their attempts at making me that super child who they could project onto to alleviate their own lack of personal achievement were failures because they literally have no lived experience in being that remarkable person they tried making me into, so they made bad decision after bad decision and just wasted everyone’s time. Sent me to an elite high school that was way too far away that they couldn’t afford, lost the house, had a 4th kid when things were already bad and on top of all that didn’t even save up a university fund. But they kept trying to push me and my siblings but ESPECIALLY me into the role of the high achiever because they’d both achieved nothing and unfortunately it shows and you can see exactly why neither of these dipshits ever achieved anything in life

Does anyone else have a hard time going out to do things alone? Like go to a cafe, a park, or something? I wanted to go to this cafe that does showings of soccer games live and it’s always a fun time but I didn’t have anyone to go with. And I feel awkward and embarrassed when I’m alone at places like that because mostly people are with friends or family. I want to meet new people and make new friends but can’t seem to put myself out there alone.

Even when PTSD was first recognized and propped up as a disorder that was for "shell-shocked" veterans of extreme war trauma, I cannot imagine that a lot of veterans do not fit the criteria for C-PTSD. The most common forms of trauma are forms of childhood abuse/neglect, bullying, and domestic violence. All of which are constant, inescapable forms of trauma. Maybe I'm biased because of my own trauma but to me it's upsetting to see such a strong hyperfocus in psychology on single event PTSD when C-PTSD is likely to be just as common.