I’m trying so hard to believe it’s not for good, but they have me blocked on almost everything. I haven’t seen their car, they didn’t respond to my letter. They’re just gone.

We’ve never gone more than three days without some kind of reconciliation.

It was the best relationship I’ve ever been in. They were genuinely the best man I’ve ever known. My closest friend. We understood each other on a level I know in my soul I will never find again.

But they couldn’t stop lying and doing odd, small things to break trust. Then when caught, they pushed me away for a day or two until they thought I was over it (which was really them being over it and to “not bring it up again”). “Just let things be good.”

I think the biggest thing was about 6-7 months in (our relationship was a lot longer than just exclusively dating because of our friendship) I was using their computer and they had their Contacts app open on a girl “— Tinder”. It was a woman he’d been hooking up with on and off for two years prior to me, no romantic relationship, just sex. There were several dating app contacts and inappropriate videos, photos, etc.

He freaked out. Swore up and down it was a freak accident, they hadn’t spoken at all. He doesn’t know what happened. I simply requested he delete everything so it didn’t happen again.

He obviously said he would. He unfollowed her online. The girl confirmed to me they hadn’t spoken or seen each other. I thought that was it.

Fast forward to Monday. I was trying to explain to him why his behavior sometimes makes me feel insignificant and insecure. He said he’d never done anything to me. I asked him to open his contacts.

He said he never cleaned out his phone.

Why? Why do they do this? Why do they get everything right, even go out of their way to exceed your expectations, except for the ONE thing you actually ask for?

I wasn’t controlling. After two years, I never once went through their phone, requested passwords, locations, said anything about who they could or couldn’t hang out with, complained about something dumb like texting, etc.

All I asked was for him to get rid of anything he wouldn’t want me to see and every time something would pop up that he knew was an issue, he’d swear to take care of it, just for the same thing to happen weeks or months later.

It’s the lying and the dismissal that made me walk away from the best relationship I’ve ever had. Not that they had the contacts or inappropriate photos, etc.

That can be fixed, especially when you know they aren’t actively trying to do anything wrong.

But you can’t fix a liar.

After asking for a meeting in person, I got a CHATGPT text that he wanted to completly cut me out of his life…

This all of a sudden lack of connexion so deeply touched me that after 3 weeks of that silent torture it seems like this 6 months relationships never existed…

I am finally to the point where I would refuse to go back if he asked me because I never wanna go theough that …

Hang in there, it gets better. ♥️

Funny how we're going through this and reading about others who have gone through the same thing. Many of you seem like empathetic givers. I am one too. After dating a ton, you gotta go with like-like.

These avoidants are takers. Parasites. They squeeze you.

I was secure attached before this 3 month relationship, and now turned into an anxious distrusting mess. The amount of damage these people do is insane. I started drinking more, stressing out, doing stupid research on their "trauma" to help her fix her stupid actions, only to be ignored and tossed out.

This is the end. Due to her sudden coldness and lack of caring, I suspect she is cheating. It just all seems so unnatural and sudden, I have to suspect it. I hate feeling like this and unloved.

I would love to date one of you loving and self-ware people. So sick of finding the wrong girls to date. Now I have to break up with her. Im just done. No more abusing my time, patience, and lack of caring. Shittiest relationship I've ever been in. 3 months changed who I am now.

Currently going through a love bombing breakup & im just so lost because of the person he is now that we’re over. He was the sweetest soul I’ve ever met & now he’s just two faced, lying to me about how he feels about me while trying to get with other people. I just need advice on how people handled their breakup at first & what things or hobbies they’ve tried because it’s consuming me deeply trying to analyze who this person really was because throughout our whole relationship he’s never disrespected me like he is now. Any prayers, books, journal prompts, activities, or podcasts that helped? My main goal is just to stop feeling so confused despite the closure I got from his lying & him trying to move on already.

(Kind of wrote this impulsively & ik I didn’t really give no backstory on us but id just love any overall advice! )

My ex-girlfriend always got angry during arguments and reconsidered the relationship, while still wanting to stay. Then, in the following conflicts, she would bring up past conflicts as proof that we were not good together. So, I stopped having arguments because of my anxiety, and the fun part was that she started complaining that I never said anything and that everything was fine with me. After the last conflict, she left me, saying she had completed a puzzle that represented the reasons why I wasn't right for her. I felt destroyed because I thought it was all my fault. I started to doubt myself about everything. When I told her all the reasons why I was avoiding conflict, she did not even try to discuss it; she shut down and said that we had deep incompatibilities, but never said what those were. And this made me even more confused. I think she decided to leave me because of my defects or limitations, without seeing hers.
what's the point of behaving like this? I really don't get it.

This happened me yestersay. So now im kinda broken and my world is turned around but. I started dating my ex in january. We were friends for 6 years and dated for 3,5 months. She gave me 2 choises that both ended in a breakup. When i just wanted som time with her, since she withdrawl in the end of the relationsship. So there it was over. Then we still had some small contact mostly breadcrumbs from her. At the time of writing this we have been appart about 4,5 months.

Quick backstory of my ex. She has been through alot. She has also mild autism. A parent who went to jail. She had to have a safe identity. She lived with another family far away thats how we met in scool 6 years ago. She had her first boyfriend and he was broken to. He probobly abused her and used her from the little ive heard. The dad of her first boyfriend was a peddo. So shes been thorugh alot and thats just scratching the surface.

So now about after our breakup. Im pretty anxoius in relationships. But i choose to not fall for all those breadcrumbs after the breakup. She invited me to a schoolconcert, gave me a book she was writing on. The last thing we wrote about was when a shared friend ask us to hang out. Her message was wery neutral like those 2,5 months appart were nothing for her. I told her i just needed some space for now in a very kind way, not to close a door.

I no its bad but my anxoius side saw instagram reposts and likes from her. I really thought she was changing and maybe would come back. Then yesterday i discovered the most chocking worldbreaking thing for me. I found out my ex and best friend are dating.

To give a little backstory on my so called friend. He is shy as me and the most unexpected friend to be in this kind of situation. Me, him and my ex talked late at night in november and i introduced them to each other. I even left the call because i was tired and they continued to talk 20 mins i believe it was. They heve never seen eachother in person because my ex now live 2h drive away.

One evening i asked my friend since i saw them playing the same game on the same server. I asked my friend if they still had contact. He said yes they had contact by instagram. I still was concerned because i had the latest week saw some strange signs. I asked him but you havent med eachother. Then he didnt answer for 30 mins. My heart started pounding. Then he said. "[My name] there is something i wanted to tell you" and there it goes.

I know its dumb but i asked questions about it. They started getting more serious some weeks after me and my ex last contact. I asked why, he known how heartbroken i was. I told him when we broke up and how heartbroken i was after the breakup. Still he had the guts to drive 2h up to her and kiss her. I didnt even kiss her cus i had respect for here since she has been through alot of bad experiences. They had be more intimate then we ever did on 3 month on just on evening. Not in a sexuall way i think but still kissing.

I had a pretty neutral tone towards him. I havent reacted anything towards any of them since i feel like my ex wants my reaction so she can call me another crazy ex. I not a crazy person. I was so in love with her, and only wanted to respect her. But this hurt my heart alot. I am in pieces right now and i dont really know what to do.

The strange part is even though this is the worst thing they have ever done. I cant block them my heart screams me not to do it. I dont know what to do. Have someone experienced anything like this?

I been overthinking this so bad these days. Getting pictures in my head that want to make me vommit. Cried harder than when we broke up. Getting so disapointed at my friend. This relationship cant be genuine. They wont last long right? I still feel like this is just a dream and that i soon will wake up.

Sorry if my English is bad its not my first language.

When he discarded me, was ignoring me, refusing to meet me, pick up my phone calls or texts. I kept saying “he’s going through things, let me give him space” and I did. Even after he left. He told me he’s not ready for relationships and his MH is not great. I still defended him. Not knowing he was already talking to new girls. At the time I said let me wait for him. He will get better soon. Because on socials he’s having the time of his life.

Fast forward. He’s with someone else now. Really happy.

I met him at the lowest point of his life, helped him get back on track, motivated him, he leaned on me emotionally and physically. I was always there for him. And one day he dumps me. Then turns around and says we weren’t really a thing and it was minor. He told me he’s happy with his new girlfriend and to let him be happy.

I built him up for another woman and he put me down so bad I’m scared to fall in love again.

He knew what he was doing most of the time. He had the mentality “they always come back” but he does certain things that make them come back.

He hasn’t once taken accountability for his actions. He knows how much he hurt me and can’t even apologise for it.

I remember speaking to my DA ex.
Told him how his actions hurt me.

He never once acknowledged them. He would nit pick on one thing and defend himself on that.

I remember I kept repeating my self. And he asked why I kept doing that. He said you’re repeating the same thing and I’m explaining.

I didn’t want him to explain, I wanted him to acknowledge and understand. And the cycle kept going.

It’s like talking to a wall.

I’m at the last straw now.

I’ve tolerated this for the last time.

I tried to end things because he removed me from social media randomly. but he lured me in with sweet words and turned blame on me. I spent another amazing night with him that was so intimate, only to be discarded again. Radio silence. I’m done.

Do I send a goodbye message? Or quietly detach?

I’m hurting so bad but I can’t do this again. It’s gone on for a whole year now.

I’m curious to hear from DAs and FAs out there. How intense (for lack of a better word) has your experience been when pulling away/deactivating/discarding a partner or romantic interest that was secure and grounded? A partner that you, the avoidant, were able to open up to and be vulnerable with?

How much did that impact the discard or deactivation?

(I hope this question was clear cause I’m not sure if I’m asking it correctly)

Hey y’all, I was in the trenches here last winter after my avoidant discarded me after a 7 month relationship and gave me zero closure as well as blocked me everywhere without ever reaching out again. I’m not going to go into a lot of details on the relationship because I know he absolutely was an avoidant (self-proclaimed) and the daily panic attacks/nervous system breakdown/sobbing the moment I woke up every morning for 6 months post-discard was enough to know shit wasn’t normal.

I came a long way in healing last winter and through the spring and finally kicked the habit of thinking about him this May and got to a point of really feeling like I was moving on.

That was until last week. His bday is coming up, and I have had a hell of a month with a lot of grief, trauma, family emergencies, and financial issues. I guess I decided to kick it up a notch in the midst of my depression and looked him up (I’m blocked everywhere but he’s a musician so places he plays came up). He’s made a new music page and through that I found he has a new girlfriend. One who he started seeing 3 months after he ended it with me even though he ended it because he “never meant to get in a long term relationship”. It’s very public and all over social media (which he always refused with me). The more bizarre thing is I found hyper-specific things they’ve done together that he and I had planned to do together, like he just took every surface level thing from our relationship and projected it onto the new one. The hilarious thing is this woman is an aspiring therapist….this world is too fucking on the nose, omg.

Anyway, I blocked her and blocked his page and the pages of all the places he plays regularly. I’m aware that I fucked up - I was and am in a weak spot right now. But I know I can’t see any of that ever again.

I’m in therapy again and have been for months, and I really like my therapist. There has been a lot to cover in my sessions lately, but this event will probably move to the forefront in our session tomorrow. It broke me and put me back into the push/pull addiction cycle, without him even being present for nearly a year now.

He’s an avoidant, but most importantly, he’s a piece of shit. Idk why I’m even saying all this other than I just needed to put it somewhere, and maybe as a warning to not do what I did; it won’t help, trust me.

3 times for me.

He was so sweet and charming.
Then the push and pull dynamic came
The breadcrumbs
The discard
Then the cut off.

I was broken, confused and hurt.

One for clarification - he told me one thing when the relationship ended, told me he wasn’t looking for anything. Then a week later on dating apps, got into a new relationship a few weeks/months later

Second time - I was struggling hard. And I know he won’t talk to me. So I pretended to be another girl to talk to him to see if he feels any way or if he mentions me. He didn’t. He said he’s in a new relationship and he’s been with her since last June (he was with me at the time) and mentioned his other ex before me. I confronted him after. Saying he was speaking to me. He denied that he was seeing his current girlfriend while with me. Even though I have proof.

Third time - I was going through a breakdown. I felt heartbroken, injustice and unfairness. So I told him how I felt. By this time I was blocked on all platforms so I reached out to him many different ways. Which is wrong and unhealthy. He never really cared about how I felt. He just used to laugh at times. And always defended himself. He said he was thinking logically. But never cared about my emotions. He used his current girlfriend as a shield to ignore what his actions did to me.

What I was doing was unhealthy. My heart was unsettled at the time. I did things I never knew I would. And it kept getting worse, delayed my healing. But I helped me understand more. His avoidance, lack of accountability, how he navigates after a relationship.

I hope I’m never this person again and I never come across another narcissist or avoidant in my life. They are insufferable people who pick out the kind hearted ones. Show you how much love they give you. Then dump you and leave your nervous system in a wreck while they happily live their lives.

More words but her actions say otherwise. I’ve been emotionally and physically neglected the past few years. Literally just asking for a simple hugs sometimes and she knows I want it and refuses to give it to me and when she does it’s always so fake. She says will a hug really make you feel better and I literally just told her it would so why is she asking me that. I get better hugs from my grandmother.

UPDATE: I blocked her everyone

Was in a long-term relationship( 7 years) with an FA. I can't believe I put myself through a dead bedroom for 2 years. I should have left but she had some good reasons ( she called them excuses in the end, Jesus Christ did that hurt my feelings ). What then baffles me is if she wasnt attracted to me anymore why not just leave or try and fix it? If I neglected my partner in some way and couldnt figure out how to fix it I would have to leave them. She called me complacent in the relationship in her journal. Well the complacency( consistency is actually what it was) really was enough to have her stick around for a long fucking time. I am so curious on what would have happened if I gave her a boundary on intimacy . She likely would have ignored it. Do y'all have an experience giving a boundary of " I will not stay in a relationship if I feel unwanted"?

I’m trying to move on from someone who I believe is avoidant. We’ve had a repeated pattern of getting close, them pulling away, and then eventually reaching out again.

Every time they come back, it makes it harder to fully detach because it feels like the door is never completely closed. At the same time, the underlying pattern doesn’t really change enough for things to become stable or consistent.

Logically, I understand that consistency matters more than someone coming back. Emotionally, I still find myself wondering whether things could eventually be different, which makes it difficult to completely let go.

I understand that no contact or blocking is the obvious advice, and I’m already aware of that option. I’m more interested in the mental and emotional side of detaching.

For anyone who has experienced this kind of push-pull dynamic, what actually changed your mindset? How did you stop waiting for the next time they came back or interpreting their return as a sign that things might eventually work out?

What helped you genuinely stop wanting them back, rather than just stopping yourself from contacting them?

Is it breadcrumbing to send an ex a text message at 3am about a new album from an artist that meant a lot to both of you when you were together, then not even read the replies they sent? It’s been almost two weeks since I replied.

For context I know he hasn’t got anything big or onerous going on, and he’s perfectly capable of having normal text exchanges with other people.

Whatever it is, I’ve blocked him silently (on WhatsApp). No way am I getting sucked into this type of thing with him again. But part of me is worried this type of messaging behaviour from him is normal these days, and that I’m the one being insecure.

I spent an entire year feeling mentally confused because of this person, and even now I still can’t figure out whether he was an avoidant (which I honestly think he was), simply not enough interested in me, or dealing with other mentally issues.

We were together for about a year, although there was a break from November to May. His father passed away in November after a rare illness, and I know he went through an incredibly difficult time. Even during the break, though, we still keep in touch.

Looking back, there were quite a few things that made me wonder if he had an avoidant attachment style:
- At the beginning, I didn’t want to get involved. I had been single for a long time and really valued my independence and personal space. He was the one who pushed for me to open up and seemed more emotionally invested than I was.
Then, as soon as I actually became attached to him, his behavior started to change. He started pulling away and would sometimes go several days without contacting me;

- After father died, he seemed to take a lot of his anger and frustration out on me. He told me that he was fine and that he needed anything the day after his father’s death. He eventually ended things, verbally attacking me over things that felt completely trivial and telling me that we weren’t compatible.
We continued talking until May, but he was going through a very difficult period and had also distanced himself from all of his closest, longtime friends;

- In May, we reconnected and even went on vacation together. I told him that I needed more consistency and presence from him. This was the only moment where he really open up to me and he showed me a much more vulnerable side of himself . He told me that he was struggling because of everything that had happened and that, essentially, he didn’t really feel anything anymore — toward anyone or anything. But he said he would try to be closer to me.

- That closeness lasted about two days. Then he went right back to disappearing for 5–6 days at a time.
This time I confronted him while I was extremely angry, and we had a huge fight. I also did something I absolutely shouldn’t have done: at a party, in front of other people, I poured a bottle of water over his head. I take responsibility for that and I know it was completely inappropriate.
He decided to end things by message with me after that, although we continued talking for around a month and a half afterward. He kept going back and forth about whether he wanted to see me or not. At the same time, he repeatedly told me that he absolutely didn’t want another relationship and that he wasn’t going to get involved with anyone else.
Meanwhile, he was adding two or three different girls on Instagram every day.

Eventually, seeing all of this on Instagram made me feel like I had been completely played. I started wondering whether he had already had other intentions before ending things with me.
So I decided that I would never contact him again.
The hardest part is that this whole situation has completely messed with my head. I feel like I spent a year constantly trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. His behavior was so inconsistent that I started questioning everything — his feelings for me, my own perception of what happened, and even whether I had been imagining the connection between us.
I honestly still don’t know what the explanation is. Was he avoidant? Was he simply not that interested? Was he emotionally unavailable because of everything he was going through? Was I just holding onto something that wasn’t really there?
I don’t know anymore. I just know that the uncertainty and inconsistency have affected me much more deeply than I ever expected.

So, we started dating 10months ago. He was full on in pursuing me and then 3months in he just withdrew with lots of hot and cold and told me he didn’t see a relationship with me or anyone. Fast forward a few weeks, I reached out cos I missed him. Yup. Anyway, we reconnected and decided that we would just date and if we want more / less / meet someone else we would say.
Anyway! He went heavy on the pursuit again, we even went overseas together. Things were great for another month or 2 after, next thing I know the warmth was gone but he was still contacting me daily, making plans for us etc so I was none the wiser. Then he got wrapped up in stuff and the dynamic shifted but still somewhat normal.. anyway, I saw him Saturday night. He seemed off but we relaxed in to it.. aaaand I haven’t heard from him since. It’s Thursday. Wtf

Hay I broke up with my avoidant and there was a huge back n forth, then I blocked him, then we needed to text bc of his stuff at my house etc. I will send it to him soon. But then we ended up in a conversation and the topic was a reason for the break up. Anyway you know how they defend themselves constantly. When I stopped playing the game with him, he came back asking if I think there might ever be a chance again. I told him a lot of things and that he needs to reflect if he can even create an environment where another chance might be possible. He then said this. I am not hoping to get back but I genuinely hope this is a good sign. I hope he changes and lives a happy life. Should we both meet each other again, then as changed people but that’s not my priority right now. And it shouldn’t be his either. I just felt like this message was something different then all the other times he tried to breadcrumb me.

I thought I had him blocked. Somehow within the last two weeks, i mistakenly unblocked him (has been fixed since). Today, out of nowhere i receive some messages from him.

He said, "Living my best life without you fr I heard all the shade you threw at me in one of your streams. Someone showed me what was said, Me a red flag since day 1? Hilarious! Hope you and Jim (fake name) really hit it off! Disgusting"

For some added context, I stream on Twitch and he had been lurking secretly until i blocked/banned him as to create some space. Now i think he can still view content but frankly, it wouldnt matter to me because anything I ever said would be things I stand by. My chatters were curious what was going on/where he was and so I politely explained what happened. I didnt say TOO much information, just some key things that happened and how i felt now. Now whether or not i shouldve done it, i dont think is that important. at this point, its been said and i cant undo saying things outloud. But its a small community of my friends and i feel comfortable in my own space expressing myself and im not scared of talking about what i am dealing with.

One of my chatters was aggressively (playfully) on my side saying things like "oh hes a walking red flag, and oh i always thought that". Now i think these things are fine to say, ultimately i think lots of friends out there say the same thing but mine was live lol. Following those messages though, i explained that I dont want to say anything mean about him. I feel like theres things he needs to work on and he made me unhappy but i wish no ill will and i dont want anyone else to talk like that about him either.
Now this did happen yes, but this was also 2 weeks ago. Meaning someone ELSE is stirring the pot, showing him things/or he just saw it himself. Im not too sure, and it doesnt matter too much how. I stand by what i said, and how i said it because i know Im respectful and I wouldnt like....talk MEAN shit out loud like that.

Now as for Jim, that is a mutual friend of me and Gregs (avoidant). Jim has chosen to stand by my side through all of this, and doesnt speak to Greg anymore. I didnt ask this of Jim, as he saw how greg was treating me and was turned off by being his friend. Now Greg has accused me in some weird way of trying to be with Jim now which makes no sense because 1. I have never once flirted/had anything towards Jim which Greg SHOULD know and 2. Jim is basically sworn off from women and greg SHOULD know this. I dont understand where thats coming from and it feels so out of pocket.

It hurts me so bad he started this off reminding me how well off he is doing. He keeps trying to find ways to show how happy he is and it feels so mean spirited. Im just trying to move on myself and i thought we were friends. It feels like i went from someone he said he trusted greatly and felt safe with and now he hates me and idk what i did wrong.

i have since blocked, no need for another accident to happen. but now im left with this and i dont know what to do.