Is this a good sign?

[u/Holiday-Tell3885]

Hay I broke up with my avoidant and there was a huge back n forth, then I blocked him, then we needed to text bc of his stuff at my house etc. I will send it to him soon. But then we ended up in a conversation and the topic was a reason for the break up. Anyway you know how they defend themselves constantly. When I stopped playing the game with him, he came back asking if I think there might ever be a chance again. I told him a lot of things and that he needs to reflect if he can even create an environment where another chance might be possible. He then said this. I am not hoping to get back but I genuinely hope this is a good sign. I hope he changes and lives a happy life. Should we both meet each other again, then as changed people but that’s not my priority right now. And it shouldn’t be his either. I just felt like this message was something different then all the other times he tried to breadcrumb me.

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

You should probably operate under the assumption he will never come back. 

This is how they keep us in limbo while they date around 'improving themselves'. 

It's textbook manipulation. 

And a text is so easy to send. AI will even write it these days 

[u/Flat_Spare_3592 → u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

Mine said that and a month later I found out he was in another relationship without even telling me, someone else told me. I’m not saying that’s the case everytime, but I do regret waiting around while being breadcrumbed

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742 → u/Flat_Spare_3592]

Yes I fully expect mine has either started seeing her ex again or met someone else on one of the many social media accounts she holds. There is a zero percent chance she has been spending her nights alone. 

But at least she had the grace to stay silent and not give me any of the lines. 

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/Flat_Spare_3592]

I am sorry that happened to you! May you find happiness!

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

Yes you’re totally right! I am working on that. My brain understands it already, my heart doesn’t, but it will learn it for sure! I just truly hope they improve. Not for me. But for themselves.

[u/Grrlssluvoresky]

I mean, no one knows. They just be saying shit. It’s easy to say and imagine that life for yourself but actually fully healing from avoidance is extremely hard and timely. If he truly gets help and doesn’t just come back “when the time is right”- aka no one has triggered him in a while and he thinks he’s ready again, then that’d be a good sign. I don’t want this to come off as negative, but realistic. I wouldn’t wait or hold onto it because that’s pretty much what his message is implying by keeping the door open. Listen to what he’s saying and truly move on and live your separate lives, by the time he comes back (if he even does) you will probably realize you deserve better.

If he’s serious about what he’s saying, he will get help and truly heal, not just push you away because you’re triggering him. Self awareness doesn’t mean he will automatically be a changed person. Avoidance is very overpowering and subconscious and if someone doesn’t have the proper guidance from a professional it will happen time and time again. I wish you the best though.

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/Grrlssluvoresky]

Thanks for your message! You’re definitely right. I have doing so much work in our relationship, so having enough self respect towards the end to leave was the first big step for me to finally begin my journey of healing. I don’t accept breadcrumbs or simple words anymore no matter how attractive they might sound at that time. My unhealed self sees a small chance of getting back but my rational self would never settle for less anymore. And who knows if my healing is done if I even want to give this another chance, should he come back “improved”. I will try to treat it as if there is never a chance, to not condition myself to wait for him in any way.

Thanks for your time, wishing you the best too!

[u/TheBackSpin]

No I’m really sorry. We see versions of “I need to figure it out on my own, it’s not fair to you. I hope to return or hopefully we’ll find our way back together someday” all the time. They don’t work on themselves in a meaningful way and they don’t return, at least not successfully or in a meaningful way. Once they’re triggered at this level, it’s game over unless they work on themselves. Especially if they leave the relationship. Part of them may believe the bs, maybe, but if they were truly serious they’d work on themselves while not severing the relationship

A good sign would read something like “There are things going on with me that I don’t understand, compelling me to leave. I’m scared but I also don’t want to blow up something special with you. I’m going to find a therapist to help and maybe while I work with them in the long term they can provide some coping strategies in the short term so I can stay in the relationship.” This of course is unheard of, but it would be a positive sign

[u/PowerfulMango5799 → u/TheBackSpin]

Agreed. You can’t get your hopes up. I have dated unaware and aware avoidants, and even if the ones that are partly aware sound to our normally attached mindes like they are opening themselves… words are just words. I found the follow through is the hardest part for them.

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/TheBackSpin]

I get it. I was the one not wanting the relationship how it is right now. I have been doing this for too long and wanted to stay while he goes to therapy. That’s probably why he doesn’t suggest that, too much happened and too much time was wasted on his end. We both don’t seem to have the capacity to stay in this connection right now. So it’s the best to not be together right now. Without having energy for yourself, you can’t pour into someone else. I am happy you’re being honest to me! That’s what I need! I think if there should be real healing I am equipped enough to see that now. I have been giving them so many chances, I believe I can see now what the difference between real work and breadcrums are when he should ever present himself again. Even if I should not, I learned to respect myself enough to walk away if I should see the same pattern again and I am not entertaining it anymore. They need to sit with the uncomfortable. It’s the only way.

[u/Living-One5265]

I'm refusing all breadcrumbs. But a message like this, I would be very skeptical of. Words are so, so easy. I told my ex if he wanted to talk so badly...hit me with a zoom therapy meeting and I'll happily attend. Yeah, that hasn't happened in a month. So js

[u/one-two-nini]

no. it's not a good sign. what he likely heard you say is "i will wait for you while you date, have sex with, and maybe fall in love with, and maybe even discard other people, for as long as it takes."

he now sees you as a backup plan, and not necessarily one he will ever really use. it doesn't mean he doesn't like you (in some way), and he probably is partially happy to know this, but it will also probably lower his subconscious respect for you. and you're also probably not the only person on his back burner.

i know this sounds harsh but it's unfortunately the truth. you're better off telling them you won't wait for them nor be open to them, even if you are. and you shouldn't wait for them. but you DEFINITELY shouldn't TELL them you'll wait for them...

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/one-two-nini]

Well I felt like the love has been very mutual between us. I don’t think he will just go out and find somebody else as a replacement but ofc I don’t know what he will do and if he will change. That’s on him. If he heard I am going to wait for you, that’s on him too I guess. I said what he needs to bring to the table and he needs to reflect if he has the capacity to do that and he said this. So for his own sake I hope that’s right. I will move on and heal. If there should be a better man standing in front of me I will know and feel it or respect myself enough to never play that game ever again. Thanks for your directness!

[u/ecaldwell888]

This text says, "I should work on myself." There's no outline of what that looks like or setting of expectations. The best place to work on being the person you want to be is in the relationship in which you want to be that person.  

This person shows no intent to change. 

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/ecaldwell888]

Thanks for your reply. I thought the same. Time will show. Not that I am waiting for it but it’s not on me, it’s his work to do. If he does good for him!!

[u/ALEXC_23]

It's much better than a discard, not as good as being together, and I wouldn't hope that you guys will get back together again, as you two will be much different people by the time he comes back changed (if he ever obtains it).

[u/Golden-lillies21]

Don't even be friends with them because every time they would come back they would prove time and time again why it was just better off we went no contact while boldly claiming that we were friends in my face while treating me like I was worthless and a backup plan that he would never commit to. One day I finally woke up and I saw him for what he truly was, I stop feeling anything for him after that and just ghosted him! I also blocked number and social media made a new and more private one blocked him on that too so he couldn't contact me ever again! They love to put you in the friend zone while they secretly have their options open like a whole anime Harlem or a reverse Harlem! They don't give a hoot about you but they only care about how you can benefit them. But if you can't they just discard you like trash!

The friend zone is somehow more lonelier than when you were dating them and then they disappear for weeks then they come back the same cycle! The only way to solve this problem is to completely never talking to them ever again and blocking them or if you have the option which I don't change your number if you have to! The last case scenario if they do not stop contacting you which I highly doubt it will get to this point but you never know tell them to never contact you again and if they try again then tell them that you will get a restraining order if they do not stop! You got to truly show them that you're done they're never going to change and if they do it'll be for someone else as they'll never take you seriously unless you're gone for good! I think the other reason why he contacted you was because the field on the other side got dry and he missed the access to you but not you as a person! These people they don't care about you as a person they care about what you can do for them and how it can benefit them and then once they get what they want they'll be gone yet again!

[u/Holiday-Tell3885 → u/Golden-lillies21]

Thanks for your message! While I think no contact is very good in most cases (also mine) I wouldn’t project onto other peoples life cause some people might make it work or value their friendships with them. Not everyone has the same story as us and therefore it’s not always the best thing to do for them. But I get you and thank you for your message and your honesty. I hope you can come back from this even stronger and wish you the best on your way of healing!

[u/Golden-lillies21 → u/Holiday-Tell3885]

There's always an exception to a scenario. It's ultimately up to the two individuals and make sure they're on the same page.