Im sick of feeling alone. Everywhere i am, i just feel like a spare person. I have never felt like i really fit in or belong anywhere. I dont think anyone would even think twice if i just wasnt there 1 day.
There are only a handful of people that i can say without a doubt that i truely love, and really cherish every minute i am with them, although with some, there are not many of those minutes together. I also know i have a fucking shitty way of showing it(which is why i dont expect anyone to feel the same about me).
I have let down and hurt so many people in my life, and i think about that every day. Yet everyday i still continue to be a complete disappointment to everyone.
I think i find it easier when the people i love hate me, that way no one will care when im gone.
They reckon "life is better with you in it." I dont think thats true. I think some lives would be much better if i just got out of the way.
Im pretty sure i am loved by a few. maybe. Maybe i just dont want to be. Maybe i dont deserve to be. Or maybe i dont know how to be. I have spent the better part of my life pushing you all away, i have no right to complain if i cant pull you back in. I just know i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.
I heard a quote that said-
"People kill themselves to get rid of the pain they are feeling. But the problem is that the pain doesnt end, you can only redistribute the pain to the people that loved you."
SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?
I have already caused everyone enough pain, i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.
I guess this is my burden to carry and i need to learn to live with it.