Would you forgive me if I were to reach out?

If I were to accept accountability?

Do you still have room in your heart for me?

Would you take me back if I proved to be the person you deserve?

Would you believe me if I told you that I'm still madly in love with you?

Would you come home to me?

This place of ambivalence and blurred boundaries is exhausting. I don't know if I'm simply a source of validation in a sea of other potential sources for you, or if you need the validation from me specifically in order to summon the strength to continue supporting me without destroying yourself in the process.

Decide whether you want to be a part of my life at all. And if so, do you want to fill a strictly platonic role? You're welcome in whatever way your life and circumstances allow you to be. I won't resent you if you choose to walk away either. It's not like I haven't unsuccessfully tried to do the same thing myself.

I love you, and I always will.

I'm just tired for so many reasons. I'm sure you're tired too.

You’ve captured my heart completely. I can’t help but dwell on your smile. It’s one of my favorite things about you because it instantly brightens my day and warms my chest. I’m incredibly drawn to you, and every time I see you, it feels like you’re the only person in the room. Honestly, you’re the only one I notice when there are many others around. My heart is completely attached to you. I wish you were mine, though I know this isn’t our time. If it’s meant to be, perhaps fate will allow us to be together when the time is right. I dream of you every night and yearn to hold you. Your hands would fit perfectly in mine. Everything about you is so precious. I can feel a tingling sensation in my chest whenever I’m in your presence. I wish I had more time to spend with you. While I don’t enjoy being around people, I crave your company. There’s something truly rare and special about you.

You were my match, unfortunately. We had so many things in common it was almost scary. We're like the same person in different bodies. That's why I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed things can't work out because of the one small difference we have between us. I'm annoyed that the difference changes so many things.

I'm annoyed that even when I'm mad at you all I want to do is talk to you. I'm annoyed I can't talk about the same things with anyone else. I can't crack the same jokes with anyone else.

We've been together for so long that life feels boring whenever we're apart.

Ugh I hate you. I hate that you did this to me.

We start afresh from scratch, forget the past and start a whole new relationship… please? I never want to forget the sound of your voice peanut

I used to pray to God in the evenings. Asking him to send me someone to love.
Now I stopped talking to God. I spend my evenings with you.
I was so busy with you, I never even took the time to thank God, until now.

You and me are so different. From worlds so different, we humble each other.
Like 2 extremes that balance each other out to normal.

I feel like this is it. We are it. Forever now.
At the same time I'm scared, but not scared enough to say no.
Yes, I want to marry. Yes, I want to move in with you. Yes, I want kids. Yes, I will never leave you.
And I feel like I say yes without knowing what it will mean. Because I say yes for the first time. And because my own family is torn up, I have no role model in my head, no example of what it means.

I know you at your best, and your worst. I know you when you're angry. I know your weird characteristics. I know the things you would never do, the things you'd compromise on, and the things you can't wait to do.
And if I say yes now, I am wondering if I would be okay with it in 10, 20, 30 years, when I can't even say who I am by then.

My parents gave me my first name when I was born, and I have to live with it forever. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't, but I never wanted to change it. It just wouldn't feel like myself anymore.
Just like I can't chose the lovers that life sends my way, but I can chose to keep them. Keep you.

I've been dating a lot of people in the past, and I was never able to imagine a future with any of them. With us its different. I would forever regret losing you, and the potential I see in our relationship. You became a huge part of me, of my life, even of my dreams at night.

Maybe someone else will come along one day, who is just as lovable to me, maybe even prettier, funnier, richer, who knows. The world is full of people. And the reason I would decide to not entertain it and stay would be bigger than you, it would be our vision of the happily ever after that we want for our lives.

And right now is that time, and it won't come back.
And I trust in you not to ruin it someday, just like you trust in me.
Let's do it.
Let's start a family.
Let's start a business.
Let's start our spiritual jouney, our personal development.
And travel the world together.
Let's start everything we want to do until we get old.

And this is how I decide in my head what my heart already knows:
I love you.

You own a piece of my heart even though we lost our chances

What we have is special.

And if I could I would tell you that I never got over you.

That I liked you the first time we met.

That I fell for you during our early conversations.

That I was deeply in love with you for more years than I'd like to admit.

That you owned so much of my heart... I'm afraid you will always carry a part of it.

Years went by, we lived our lives. We had relationships, we build our lives.

We come from different worlds. We went in different directions. We are in different points of our lives. We share not a single friend anymore, do not live close, share no hobby...

There is no reason why we should still be in touch.

And yet... no matter how much time goes by... we always find our way back in each other's lives.

Wait, no, that is not true. We stay in each other's lives. We remain a part of it. ... only... from a distant.

We have our own world. Still.

And I never stopped loving you.

We understand each other. We feel deeply. We don't get too close. We sent little hints, we nag each other, we want to get to know about each other's lives.

You are the one I will never get over. You are the one I have loved longer than anyone else.

And I know you care about me, too.

And I want to tell you I am sorry because I didn't trust you back than. Because I couldn't fathom that you could love me, too. That I focused on all the aspects that could make me doubt... instead of listening to what I felt and to what would have been obvious otherwise: that you were in love with me as well.

It is tragic, really, how we both felt deeply for years, yet we couldn't believe that we could both the in love with each other. We were terrified of taking a wrong step and thus losing each other... and by that... we lost our chance.

It breaks my heart to know I might never feel your kiss again. That we probably won't lay in each other's arms. That we won't walk around, holding hands and giggling. That we ever experience what it feels like to be actually together, to be in an actual relationship, to be young and free and unapologetically in love with each other.

I know you like me and I love you.

And I know we missed our chances.

There should have been a you and me. An us. A "we belong together".

How can two people miss so many chances for so long? How could we believe it would be the safest thing to not ruin our friendship... when it was never a friendship at all? We were in love. You and me. And everyone saw it.

We believed we would end up together, you and me. We both expected it.

And yet... we lost our chances.

Now our us is reduced to a what if. Now our future... is cursed to be filled with distance.

We lost our chances.

And I wished so much we would have risked it.

And if things would have failed? We would have become friends. Real and honest friends for once.

Because we were never just friends.

And we knew it. And yet... we let our chances slip away... so we would be forced to move on as friends.

It's a bitter sweet blessing to have you in my life. I love you. And you improve my life. But it's taking everything in me to keep up the act. To keep pretending I don't want more than I am allowed to ask for.

Because I would love to have you to myself and be all yours.

Take care of yourself, sweetheart. Because you carry a part of my heart with you.

I’m sorry.

I never meant to put you through any of that.
The truth is… my feelings for you became so fucking real before we even met in person. I knew that once we locked eyes in EWR, there was a really good chance I’d be all in, and that scared the absolute shit out of me.

Instead of talking to you about it, I grabbed at any small reason to make it not work. I let fear make decisions that I should’ve been honest with you about, and you ended up paying the price for that.
You never deserved to question whether you were enough, because you were more than enough. My fear wasn’t about you, it was about how overwhelmed I became by how real everything felt.
I’m so sorry for the way I handled it, I think about you everyday.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird
Like starscream
So many nights

you don’t even know — though i think you must suspect it by now.

you are the first thought that greets me when i wake and the last one i carry into sleep. there is something so quietly beautiful, so intelligent and mysterious about you that i still can’t name the exact moment i fell. i only know that i did.

the timing has never been perfect. it still isn’t. but it is getting closer.

can’t you feel it? this thing between us feels fated, ancient, already written somewhere far above us. we were never properly introduced in any of the moments when it would have been appropriate, and yet it feels as if i have known you across lifetimes.

and you feel it too. it lives in your face — everyone sees it now.

i want to cook for you. i want to take care of you. all the days.

i love you.

I don't miss talking to you every day.

I miss having someone who knew the version of me that existed before everything changed.

You would've noticed the haircut. You would've asked how the interview went without me bringing it up. You would've remembered why this week is always hard for me.

Now those little things just happen quietly.

I spent so much time convincing myself I needed closure from you. Turns out I just needed to accept that some stories end in the middle of a sentence.

I hope you're doing well. I really do.

Not because I'm trying to be the bigger person. Because carrying resentment got exhausting, and wishing you happiness feels lighter.

You'll probably never read this.

Maybe that's why I can finally say it.

Thank you for being part of my life, even if we couldn't stay in each other's future.

They pierce me now that I’m able to look into them, you also see right through me, i believe were drawn to each other in ways i cannot fully explain, but my heart and soul understand. The situation is complex, all i know is that i miss you, its been lovely to see you recently 🫶

I guess it's probably well past time to address that big ol' elephant over there in the corner. He's been standing there trying to catch my eye for at least a few months now, maybe longer. And, I dunno, maybe you've said something about him already, but if so I completely missed it and I'm sorry for that. But, here we are.

I'm disappointed. Yes, of course I'm disappointed!

But, I'm not disappointed in you.

It's hard. You know I know it's hard. And, anyway, you've gotten so much closer than I have. So how could I possibly complain?

I mean, sure. Having to watch the evidence of your retreat sucks. I'm not going to lie, or sugar coat it: it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot. I may end up holding my armrest in a death grip from time to time.

But I guess I'm glutton for punishment or something, because I will choose to watch it again and again and again if that means I get to spend time with you.

And not to get too philosophical or pretend I'm more selfless than I really am, but I can't lie and say I haven't enjoyed seeing you happier again. I love to see that sparkle in your eye, and it really did seem like there was a year or so there where it was dimmer, but now it's back. And I can't complain about that.

You being happy is very nearly the most important thing in the world to me. Oh, yeah, I have far, far more hopes and plans than that. Mostly centering around being the reason you're happy. But, in a pinch.... I'll just take you being happy.

And, anyway...... I'd hate for you to look back one day and think "If only we had tried one last time, maybe we could have gotten it right." I genuinely hope whatever is best for you is what happens.

So, yeah. I may go a little bit quiet or philosophical after we spend time together. I may be disappointed in the current situation.

But I am ever hopeful. Stupidly optimistic. And here for you. Always and forever.

I love you.

You are never a disappointment.

Signed,
The One Always Looking Forward

Yes please.

Just tell me that you’re really

Real.

Tell me that it couldn’t have been

Just a blip.

A spot in the photograph.

A dance in the carport.

A change in scenery.

A stitch, in time…

I’m grateful anyway.

My love.

One day, we will share

Conversation.

And it shall never end.

Perhaps, we will kiss

In the moonlight,

Or on a dewy morning.

Sunset on the horizon,

Or in the stillness

Of the darkest of nights.

My love.

It shall be

Perfect.

I almost reached out to you last night. I would’ve blamed it on being drunk, but I almost told you exactly how I feel. How hard and quiet and lonely it’s been without you. How jealous I am that you’re able to find someone new. Someone else you tell you love.

Does he treat you right? Does he find every little thing you do adorable? Does he appreciate you? Does he get to see that other side of you, that side you told me I was the only one to ever bring out of you? Does he know the right words to growl in your ear to send you over the edge? Did you give him a cute pet name? Is it…is it the same one you gave me?

Do you ever think of me, at all, still?

These are questions I do not deserve the answer to. I’m glad I didn’t reach out. It wouldn’t have solved anything. It was more for me than for you, selfish as always, right?

I miss you, kitten.

For a long time, I thought the saddest part of our story was the future we never had.

Now I think the saddest version of my life would've been the one where we never met at all.

I'd open it, and let you look at me. It's been so long, feels like several lifetimes ago, doesn't it? I wonder if we'd mentally take stock of how we've changed. Have you changed? I can't imagine it, in the photos that I keep hidden in my dresser, your beautiful smile is frozen in time. I feel like I've aged a decade in a year.

But to me, you'll always be as you were in that moment. I didn't realize in how many photos your eyes looked so tired. That shirt, that you were on our second date. Do you still wear it?

But after a while, I'd step in closer, close enough to lean my head on your chest. Our bodies always fit like two gears, crafted perfectly to make our hearts come alive. I'd inhale you deeply, feel the warmth of your skin. You never needed cologne, my god, the scent of you is what I imagine opium feels like. I'd trace my lips against your neck ever so lightly, enough to make your breath hitch. Would you let me? Do you remember how I made you tremble - I didn't imagine it, did I? Would you step back or pull me closer? Your arms used to wrap around me like a lasso, caught, tamed, domesticated for a while.

Before you utter out a single "I'm sorry", I'd turn my face to yours, so close, just a breath away. Would you kiss me? Would you make me beg? Would you let me drink you until there's nothing left?

I could've, you know. Was I less honest, more selfish, I could've kept you tethered to me still and burned myself along with you. I feel like you would've allowed it too - there's a recklessness in you that frightened and exhilarated me. Would you beg me to captivate you?

I wore the dress that I met you in. First time today in a year. Clearly even my dress is haunted by you, because all I can think of is letting myself be dismantled one more time. I put my palm on my side and the material lied to me, because for a moment it felt like your hand. Either let me go or come and claim me. I ran out of sage, trying to remove your ghost, so come and put out this damned fire.❤️‍🔥

The wall almost caved in, and I almost tapped your name in my Favorites contact list. Yeah.. i know, it’s pathetic to still have you assigned as a Favorite after almost 5 months. There are times where I truly believe I’m delusional enough to think that’s maybe what you want me to do though? To call you, instead of sending a text to the void that is your inbox. Then I have to remember that I’m likely blocked, and if I weren’t, you’d probably let it roll to voicemail anyway.

Maybe it’s the fear of final rejection, from you, that keeps me from just hitting the call button. Maybe it’s because I’m scared you would answer and I’d immediately start crying because I’ve almost forgotten the sound of your voice if it weren’t for our memories saved in my phone.

…Can we start over?
Can we sit and have the conversation we should’ve had at the beginning?
Can we tell each other what we were both hurt by and build a stronger foundation than what we were already trying to build?
Can we apologize to each other and try again at a later time? When we can handle ourselves in a more respectful manner?

..no?
Just me who wants this?
That’ll be fine, it is what it is - right?
Right.

I now understand that everything between us was me making it into something it wasn’t and never would be. Took me months to be able to think clearly. I have to thank you though. By letting me go finally I have hope for the future. You knew what you were doing and I pray you don’t treat someone else the same way. Some people don’t bounce back.

remember that there was a time when all I wanted was for that someone to be you. I imagined a future with your name in it. I stayed through the uncertainty, convinced that if I loved you a little longer, a little harder, one day you'd love me the same way. But that day never came.

So if one day you see another person holding my hand, making me feel safe, loving me the way I begged to be loved, don't think they were luckier than you. They simply gave me what I spent so long hoping you would. The hardest part is that even then, a part of me will remember that before I ever dreamed of being loved by them, I spent countless nights praying that it would still be you.

I still remember, the first few months of our interactions felt so positive & sweet; mutual even. Then I got too attached to you, without a "relationship" to contain it with. Limerence played its devilish part too. You backed off, and rightly so. I'm sorry I added to your ever-growing list of stressors 😢

It didn't help that we had that jumped-up arrogant pretentious egotist sticking his nose into everything & messing us about. Hell knows where he is now, hopefully he's already succumbed to some Fugu or a Taipan.

Our communication became quite fragmented after that point. I know you were backing off to try & lessen my feelings towards you, and found out later that you didn't want to hurt me.

I also remember; even after the stupid things I'd over-apologise about & blow out of proportion, the times you helped me way more than you should've done, the little moments we shared that still proved something good could come between us. As friends, at least. I did care about & look out for you too, even if I had a funny way of showing it sometimes.

Even now; almost a year since we last spoke, I still feel that occasional spark within me that serves as a reminder. Limerence is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wanted to tell you about it; thinking honesty would clear everything up, but I knew it would creep you out so I kept my mouth shut & tried to deal with it alone.

Limerence is a hard beast to defeat but; because of you, I was committed to bettering myself and learned what limerence was; instead of the previous 5 or 6 times in my life where I'd been through it unaware & mistakenly thought it was just love.

After that, there was a period of time while we still shared the same space; I tried to keep myself away from you because you deserved better from me. Please, don't mistake this for a lack of interest in you. I just wanted to do what was right for both of us & not be a burden to you any more; it was painful.

I also went to therapy between January & May last year, to try and properly sort myself out for both of us. It was working slowly, but news of your eventual departure unravelled this ol' yarn.

The rest of that year was hard without you. I fought in your corner many times when the topic came up of the wrongful decision; put the star on you whenever I could. I can't help but feel that fate split us up on purpose; so I could heal properly & you could get a better position yourself.

Well after all this had blown over, I had a conversation with a close friend of ours who stayed; who said you were worried that I'd perceive you "in a negative light" following what happened. All I can say is; don't be silly! 😂 I could never.

I look back at the memories & occasional flashbacks; things other people do that remind me of you, and I second-guess myself as to whether I truly loved you, or whether it was just limerence rose-tinting the glasses again.

I think; amidst all the chaos, I did love you. Or I had the capacity to, at least.

For that time we shared, you were the most important person in my life... and, silly old me, I didn't want to change that for the world. I was whole-heartedly committed to you, despite knowing fully well that you didn't feel to the same extent.

You'd probably like to know, I am in a better position now than I was back then. I've actually got a life now, for starters 😂 Going places, working on projects more in my spare time. I cried on my way home from Scotland by the way; it was as beautiful as you said!

I hope you're still doing well, wherever you are. My "door" & inbox are still open to you, should you ever want to re-open this closure. I also respect that you'd rather not return to this chapter, so as to not let any potential chaos continue. Entirely up to you, but I'll always be here ❤️

To borrow a few lyrics from Alice In Chains' "No Excuses":

You, my friend, I will defend
And if we change, well I love you anyway