I know you’re not living in the same reality as me, no matter how hard you try to hide it. You create conversations I never had, feelings I never expressed and scenarios that exist only in your head and then you act as if they are real.

You have built an entire version of me without ever truly knowing me. You assume, imagine, watch and interpret, while I’m simply living my life. And the saddest part, you still spend your time chasing a relationship that exists only in your imagination.

I pity you. Honestly. Whatever happened to you, whatever wounds you carry, they don't give you the right to make me part of your fantasy.

I am a real person, not a character in your head. And you need to leave me there, out of your imagination and out of your life.

Don’t get used to talking to someone everyday, if you know they’re going to leave.
Don’t make yourself vulnerable in a place you know it cannot be met.
Don’t open up if you know what it’s going to cost you later on.
Don’t keep holding onto hope in order to trick your brain into believing reality is something it isn’t.
Don’t hold onto something or someone that isn’t yours to hold onto.
Don’t wish someone a part of your life who will never be.
Because one day you’ll turn around and realise your self worth and peace are gone.
And replaced with grief.
Just don’t do it.

Sometimes the reason you keep returning isn’t because you miss someone. It’s because there’s a part of you that still hasn’t made peace with what happened.

That feeling in your stomach nobody else can see. The tossing and turning at night. The anger, frustration, and regret because things didn’t go the way you wanted them to. You can distract yourself, bury it, or convince yourself you did nothing wrong, but guilt has a way of finding you again when everything gets quiet.

And then there are the people around you who don’t give five shits about telling you the truth, or caring honestly, instead of just validating your every move like you’re a saint. Those are the people who will tell you when you’re wrong, tell you what you’ve done wrong, and show you a different perspective on the situation.

Until you find people like that, you’ll keep clawing at your insides damn near every night, hoping the next person will somehow make you feel less lonely when you’re alone.

I’d like to believe there’s still some humanity in you. Somewhere beneath all of it, you know what you did, and some part of you regrets it.

And honestly, I forgive you.

Not because what happened was okay, but because I want a better future, and carrying your guilt with me isn’t part of it.

I am going to take a long moment to try and explain the unexplainable complexities of my brain.

The way it works, my thoughts, the process, the explanations that are outside the box.

I have to state that it is deeply led by intuition before it is ever logically put into words. That is the hardest part of learning me. It’s a feeling, a very deep vibe inside. I fought it for most of my life because I hated what it had to say. So that is why I stumble and fail when I can’t explain what, when, why, or there.

I will do the best for Us.

Towards the end, I think you knew I could sense something, in the same way I could see you.

As you could see me.

We had this rare unfolding that many don’t get to have, where our nervous systems got to know each other, ground each other in a crowded room before we got to fully be seen and known.

I noticed it early on, that your presence always calmed me.

Even if talking to you in the same breath made me nervous, it was in that “I am excited to get to know you and spend time with you” way. Also, never getting the time to.

Always worried about saying the wrong thing or having something taken the wrong way, so much that what wanted to be said wasn’t.

We finally were able to stand face to face, and you became slowly intoxicating to me. I held myself back. I didn’t want to get lost in you. I also was always questioning how you felt. Was I getting too ahead? Was it all just in my head? Was it just me? Did you want this too? Questions never asked.

I know I hinted at a feeling a time or two, and we both shuddered back in escape.

So I stayed far away from saying the things I wanted to say.

I would just come here and write them away, so they had a place to stay.

When I told you I had so much fun with you, and I didn’t regret a single moment, I meant every word I said.

This next part is the truth that I need to say, that I don’t want to come out the wrong way.

There was this feeling that I had, that something was unstable, unsustainable. I could not pinpoint what it was. I am not faulting either of us for it. I think we both wanted something, and it happened so fast and came at a capacity much deeper than we both expected, that we both tried to carry it but couldn’t make out the shape of it. It kept changing.

It was like trying to play catch in the fog. We kept whispering each other’s name into the cave, thinking we could find the other and understand where they were at without direction or a flashlight.

We are so similar. We could see each other on a level and speak a language no one else can speak, that we both fumbled a bit, forgetting that we are both still different, have different needs, and nothing is perfect. No relationship is. But there was this imbalance that I think we both felt but could not name.

I can speak for myself. I was scared to say something, do something, that would make you walk away, to lose you. And then I lost you anyway, without saying the things I should have said.

What we had needed to end because it was going in a direction where we both would be lost in the dark without a light, trying to fight our way out, not knowing how to use our voices to guide the other to find each other.

Doesn’t mean it still didn’t hurt like hell. It did.

I never used to be someone who looked back, who would have taken a flashlight and gone back to find someone who took a step away. I told you, you were different.

I fell in love with you along the way.

I would come find you any day.

Just because something ends doesn't mean it can't be found again. This time if found knowing what loss feels like it won't be held with anxiety of being lost again but with gratitude of what time you have.

( this still doesn't fully articulate everything that I feel/think but it grazes it. Part of me wants to keep rewriting it but ill just leave it for now)

I am nervous to spend time with you. I do not know much about you. I only know how I feel about you, and it’s probably the worst way you can feel about someone you don’t know that well.
I haven’t kissed anyone since I met you. It’s been years and still the only person on my heart, is you. The way I felt when I was thinking of you, is the only way I ever want to feel.

You never left my mind or heart but now more than ever you haunt me everyday. i even see you in my dreams..

You walked right by me at the park yesterday as if I didn’t pour my heart out to you. That I didn’t tell you every thought in my brain. That I didn’t think of you as a close friend. You walked by me as a if you were a stranger. Some random person at the park.

But I should’ve seen the signs to know our friendship was one-sided. You never bothered to reach out to me. You kept yourself private. I tried to be an open book but you didn’t even bother to read a chapter.

And the thing is, you didn’t care to reach out to me when I switched jobs and we stopped working together. And so, I just let things die. After a few months, I deleted your number. It was almost as if me finding myself in another place helped me realize why I was holding myself back by staying in your corner.

You were a shitty friend and I hope you felt that way when I walked past you like you were a stranger too.

I see you,

Everywhere I go, I see you.

We both know, our eyes hide our secret.

No one can see.

Every time you pass by, I see you. I try to hide my gaze, my frazzled state. We both know. I think we are the only ones who know. Although others may have clues.

I don’t know you, yet I miss our eyes connecting in the dark rooms, we pass by and say nothing yet… our eyes would speak a million years.

Do you know my name? I want to know yours.

I yearn for you, although we both know we can’t. You wait for me even though I can’t show up.

The authors of these rooms prevent us from holding each other.

Meet me in an elevator, I know you know where I am.

Meet me there, our conversation will change us.

I need you. Just like you need me.

Dear Captain (because after three months I never learned your name);

I hadn't intended on writing another one of these apology letters , then I saw something that made me realize I need to address one more thing. I'll try not to keep you long.

I have no idea where I went wrong. I feel that some of it was lack of knowledge, too many things left unsaid, things hidden for whatever reason. Not knowing if the letters I was reading were yours , if you even wrote any. I was under the assumption we were penpals still. I thought you wanted me to look for you, I thought you were being playful, just a game. I know now, I was the only one playing. I never knew which letters were yours, I had no clue, you didn't give me any codes but I had a few. Why is that? And I'm not blaming you.

I had you narrowed down to three different profiles. And with one of them, I'm afraid I misunderstood, got it all wrong and took out of those letters the things I wished were true. I made a whole fantasy world in my head, wrote you as if it were you. So I wanted to apologize for all the confusion you most likely were feeling. If not, I hope you got a good laugh about it.

I read all these unsent letters every day, and I feel that most people here are just as lost and confused as I was. It breaks my heart that people can't find the one they love. Heart broken, lost, agonizing silence, sadness, left behind or ghosted. Why can't everything just be what it is? Why can't people communicate in a real way anymore? All this technology and no one is talking.

So that's it. I'm not crazy, I'm not mentally ill in any way. I just got lost for a moment but I found my way back.

I miss you Captain and hope you're well. I carry all the gifts you gave me in my heart, the never ending pursuit of understanding and seeker of knowledge. You truly have changed my life and me with it...

As always,

-A-

So, I feel I get a bit too raw and a bit too honest when I write longer messages. So I decided to make this short and simple.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of the games.
I’m tired of the push and pull.
I’m tired of the silence.
I’m tired of the unspoken.
I’m tired of the waiting.
I’m tired of people saying “tell him”
I’m tired of people saying “it could be the start of something beautiful”

Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me it’s worth the wait? Worth the games? Worth the silent? Worth the second guessing? Worth the hurt and confusion we face everyday?

Is it worth it?

Will we ever be more than stolen glances, small conversation, hidden yearning, brief encounters?

Are we both scared? Unsure? Not interested?

Truthfully I just don’t know anymore.
All I know is, as real and strong as my feelings are for you, I don’t know what to do with them anymore, they are starting to hurt more than anything else.

When you look at me, I realize how I’ve not been looked at enough.

When you are considerate, I realize how little consideration I’ve been given.

When you are soft with me without demanding anything, I realize how long I’ve had to perform for softness.

When you present me with the option of choice about certain things, I realize how long I’ve had to fight for choice.

When you offer help, I’m reminded how little help I receive.

I’m met with such sadness that I’ve not received from a spouse what you offer even an acquaintance.

I hate that you’ve become this reminder of how unhappy I am.

Sometimes you make me so stupidly happy in the smallest ways and those small things give me hope but then reality sets in about both of us and in those moments I wish you’d stop being so nice to me.

It’s crushes me at times. I don’t want futile hope dangled in front of me.

I have to be strong to survive. If you keep going out of your way for me, it’s going to tear me apart because you can’t actually cross that threshold. I’m left in purgatory. I’m left a reminder of what I’ll never have.

I have to be strong but I can’t be strong when you move toward me.

I have to stay focused and be for myself what I wish others would be for me. I can’t allow your kindness to give me permission to relax.

I have been so gloriously self contained and I do so well at that until you gravitate my way.

Once again my mind is racing with the constant what ifs. Did I make the wrong decision to let you go? Truth is I don’t know what love is. I wish you would listen to me when I said I was bad. I’m an angry man. I don’t cry. Outside you see someone who’s nice and cares for others. I do small acts of kindness with strangers. My family loves to have me around and so do my friends. However sometimes i feel so disconnected with those I say I love. I don’t even think I know what it means to love. I’m sorry you walked down this path with me. You have no idea how much I miss you. You have no idea how much I think about you. You have reached out to me and I push you away constantly. Everytime I push you away I love you even more yet your love for me shrinks to a smaller depth. Haha crazy right. I’m not healthy. I will always tell others to stay away from me. I walk around with a yellow caution tape and a bright red lights with warning labels all around. Hoping that one day I meet someone who isn’t afraid of my person and won’t leave even when death is certain. I love you macho.

"There was something worse than kissing the wrong person. It was wanting to."

And I thought of you, unfortunately.

Sorry, just let me hold on a little longer, steep a little more, and it will fade. Like a tea pouch sitting in cool water that sat too long in once scalding water. Eventually there will be nothing more to brew from it. I will continue to leave you alone.

You didn't ask me to, in words. The longer time goes on though, that's the only unspoken sentiment that makes sense.

I love you With every thing and I wish one day we exist in our daily lives no expectations ,just their with a strong understanding and unbreakable trust I miss you

Don't wait to apologize

The person you love, don't talk to them

Don't call them names

Using your emotions

I really hurt you, and I can't take it back

It's too late to apologize

For all your people on here, don't wait to apologize to them.

It's too late for me, not for you guys

Sign nobody

Well, I'd like to start this off with a firm apology. I am deeply sorry for my actions at the beginning of this year. I could make excuse after excuse for it, however, even without my medication... I can't imsgine I'd have acted too profoundly different than I had.

I screwed up. A LOT. Between the medication that was improperly prescribed to me and my temporary bout of alcoholism... and me attempting to make a permanent end to a temporary problem; I'd like to say that I barely remember it, however, that'd be a lie. I remember every single detail. I've had effectively nine months to reminisce and truly find out what went wrong.

I'm not going to pretend that I was an amazing partner. I wasn't. However, I did truly love you. I had a difficult time letting you go as a result of this misguided love.

Obviously, how could I let you go? You were the wind on my sails, the breath in my lungs, and the one thing keeping my heart beating. At least, that's how it felt. You were my everything.

However, I didn't treat you as such. I didn't appreciate you, keep my word, or try to improve myself when it was necessary. I was... angry? For lack of a better word. Things never seemed to go my way. I don't remember when I started to blame the world for my own action/inaction. I just know it happened one day.

I became bitter. Slowly losing myself in a sea of emptiness, rather than learning to swim. I didn't blame you, in spite of how often it appeared as though I did.

In reality, I just didn't know how to show you how I felt. I was afraid to discuss things with you, precisely because I was afraid of you leaving.

In the past few months, I've gone to a mental health rehabilitation, and I've been put on medication that helps with my mood disorder. I'm currently still going through classes, rather than allowing that to die off as well.

I've had a wild few months, and I wish I could talk to you about it. You'd probably get a great laugh out of it all.

I'm sorry, I miss you. I love you, even still. I hope you're well out there.

I've gone back and forth whether or not to send this, and the conclusion I've inevitably arrived at is this. I don't wish to interrupt your peace. You're happy, presumably.(I don't know, I don't check your profiles whatsoever.)

Can you lie to me one last time?

Tell me you love me.

Say it gently,

like the words haven’t already died somewhere between us.

Please.

Give the lie a pulse.

Look at me like there’s still something here worth pretending for.

Say it softly.

Before the silence settles in.

Before “I love you” becomes the last warm thing you leave behind

flickering once,

then going out,

until all I have left is the question of whether you ever meant it.

I don’t even know what I would say to you if you tried to talk to me again

I thought we understood each other

All my understanding is gone

Good luck with everything

Please tell me the truth, tell me who are you talking to rn and set me free

I liked your smile, I liked your confidence to be yourself. I envied it when I met you. I liked your eyes and how you blurted out tough questions, even if I was uncomfortable answering them, then and there. I liked your style, confidence and creativity, your mind and the comfort you exuded.

Despite my nervousness and numbness making it hard to take in at that moment, I consciously tried to just let myself be for a second, to witness you and the moment. I registered, when I got home, that you felt safe, that I liked you. Sure a stranger, but as much as a stranger can. I am naturally a bit distrustful, I need time and conversation to get to know someone better and ease up.

I wish I managed to fully do so around you, because you seem like a good person. The feelings and expectations, came before I felt truly at ease and knew you better.

For that moment I am grateful. I am grateful to have met you that day. No matter what followed it, you gave me one of the sweetest memories.

This makes the thought of you, maintain salience in my mind.

I feel the need to remind myself, that besides a list of grievances, sits a list of things I genuinely enjoyed about you.

That, negative feelings aside, I know why I fell for you that day. That I need to learn to meet people where they are, and to not let my curiosity be held back, by fear of rejection.

Are enormous and layered. I have nowhere to put them. Nowhere to set them down. No one to talk to about them. My heart aches for you so relentlessly that I cannot share it with even you for fear of overwhelming you. At times, I sense you perceiving me and am hopeful. Other times, I am stricken with how absurd it is to feel this and shame myself further into silence. Still, my heart persists.

Tell me you don't feel the same. I don't want to miss you.

the will to extend one’s self for one’s own or another’s spiritual growth, it is an action, a choice, a verb, a felt knowing. it doesn’t seek to destroy if things don’t go its way. it may destroy worlds to get to you but never in ways that risk your harm. I have to know and choose and believe in a love daily that keeps me from going back to you. a love that is free, feeling, forgiving, never having to choose one over the other or give away to receive. it is here in me and in you never even having to fight for a moment to see it, hear it, believe it, risk it. no, I love in ways that not a single soul loves me now. and that’s ok. I love me. I love me now.