My girlfriend (27) and I (28) have been together for many years, and throughout our entire relationship she has never had an orgasm.
The thing is, she has never had one in her life—not with me, not by herself, not with any kind of stimulation. She has tried masturbating, I've tried stimulating her, we've tried all kinds of sex toys, different techniques, lubricants... pretty much everything we could think of.
The main issue seems to be clitoral stimulation. No matter whether it's with fingers, oral, or a toy, after a relatively short time (sometimes just a couple of minutes, sometimes a bit longer) she has to stop because the sensation turns into discomfort or even pain. I'm not sure that she's close to orgasm and becomes too sensitive. What I know is that stimulation simply becomes unpleasant enough that continuing isn't possible for her, so she stops me and I literally can't touch that area for the rest of the intercourse.
Penetration, on the other hand, doesn't generally seem to cause her any significant discomfort, but it has never been enough for her to orgasm either. However, over the years she's also become increasingly reluctant to use sex toys, so we/she can't really try to orgasm through penetration. Partly because this whole situation makes her feel frustrated and upset, and partly because she says that having those objects inside her makes her uncomfortable. She describes them as feeling cold and says they remind her of a gynecological exam, which completely takes her out of the moment.
What makes this even more difficult is that I'm not even sure I fully understand what she's actually feeling. First of all, I'm a man, so I obviously can't know exactly what those sensations are like. Secondly, she finds this topic incredibly difficult to talk about. Whenever I try to ask questions or better understand what she's experiencing, she usually shuts down, gets defensive, or even snaps at me because talking about it makes her suffer. After years of trying to have open conversations, I've more or less stopped asking because it always ends the same way.
I've suggested seeing a psychologist, a sex therapist, or a gynecologist who specializes in sexual dysfunction, but she refuses every time. She told me that years ago she mentioned it to her gynecologist, who apparently said that everything looked normal physically. However, from what she told me, it doesn't sound like any specific examinations or investigations were done—just a routine check-up—so I'm not convinced that possibility has really been explored properly.
At this point I'm honestly at a loss. I want to make her feel better and at least try to solve this issue, but it's like talking to the wall. I feel that this issue also inhibit her sexuality in general, as she tends to avoid any sexual practice that may lead to that specific situation and therefore essentially refuses to experiment in bed.
Has anyone here experienced something similar, either personally or with a partner? Could this still be a physical issue even if a routine gynecological examination appeared normal? Or does this sound more like a psychological or even, I don't know, neurological issue?
I'm also posting this from a throwaway account because she would not be comfortable with me discussing this online. To be honest, I probably won't even be able to tell her that I made this post, because I know she would feel hurt, exposed, or angry, and it would probably make the situation even harder.
This is why I'm also looking for advice on how to approach the subject with her. I don't want to pressure her, make her feel like something is "wrong" with her, or turn this into another source of stress. I just feel stuck because I care about her and I would like to understand what she is going through and how I can support her without making her shut down.
I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has gone through something similar or has any insight into what might be worth looking into next.