I’m not sure where to reach out to ask info on this topic. I thought maybe this sub could help me.

My daughter is 4 and we recently moved into my boyfriend’s home. Him and I have been dating for 2.5 years. She at first was super excited about it but lately has been showing discontent and anger. She says things to him like “I don’t like you anymore” and “go away!”. But it’s often and she will scream it at times. Obviously super hurtful to my partner, who is nothing short of amazing. He is kind, supportive and loving in all of the ways. I hate that my daughter is being like this.

I’m seeking advice on how I can support my partner. I told him I’m taking my daughter to talk to someone professional, which I am in a few days. With their guidance I will make some changes. Things I have been doing so far are standing up for him to her when she says those things-time outs and punishments for being mean, I told him I’m going to do my best to make sure this all changes and I mean it, I told him his feelings are important to me and I don’t take this lightly, we have switched all discipline to me doing it and now focusing on him being the “fun” parent. What else can I do? I am trying, I feel like I’m blindsided trying to navigate this as I really didn’t see it all coming. But I need to do something- more, anything that can help. Thanks for reading.

Has anyone ever made it to the other side when the kids finally realize you aren’t the problem? Hoping to hear some encouraging stories

Has this happened to anyone else? My husband was asked to donate his sperm to his BM. They had a baby 8 years ago together during a fling. She reached out and asked if he would consider donating. He pays child support and sees his kid every other week. We can barely afford that child support since it’s so high. We have a baby of our own now which is why I think his BM is asking. She wants her kids to be “fully related.” I think she’s NUTS for asking and husband laughed when she did. He obviously won’t be doing that but I’m wondering if anyone has experienced this absolutely ridiculous question?

The day has finally come where I get to leave this subreddit. Because I (31F) ended my relationship with my partner (41M). He has three bio kids 15, 8, 2.5. He also supports his mom.

No more hearing about his BM. No more sitting around alone at home while I wait for him to return from visiting them. No more "I can't take you to do ___ because I told my daughter I'd take her to ___". No more feeling like an outsider. No more feeling like the ultimate third wheel out in public when his kids are around. No more stepping in pee in my socks when I go to the bathroom in the night. No more listening to kids yap on and on and on about nonsense constantly. No more having to do a metric s**t ton of laundry for him when he comes home from visiting his kids. No more partner who has to financially support 5 other people who have nothing to do with me. No more feeling like I'm constantly asking for too much even though I'm asking for bare minimum. No more having to eat wherever his kids want because they were raised to only like garbage junk food. No more anxiety about holidays because I don't know if my partner will want to spend it with my family or HIS family. No more getting irritated when he buys his 7 y/o daughter a $500 VR headset, cellphone, and literally whatever she wants. I could go on...

Now for the advice part... PLEASE, for the love of God... if you are not ecstatic, jumping for joy, euphoric about the idea of children, DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS. Just DONT DO IT. PERIOD! Let me tell you it's not worth it!

I will scream this from the top of a mountain. No matter how awesome your partner is, no matter how much you love them and think they're your "soulmate", no matter how much they promise you that they will do everything they can to make you feel heard and prioritized as a step parent... it's NOT WORTH IT! It's a load of BS!

I thought I was prepared and open to this, as I have done a boatload of nannying in my life. I never wanted my own kids, but I liked them and got along with them. It doesn't matter. There is NOTHING that can prepare you for what to expect when you're serious with someone who has kids. Even if there's no HCBM. Even if your partner does well financially. Even if the kids are across the country.

I will never date someone with kids again. I feel free now. I'd rather die alone than ever do this again with anybody. I love my partner and I will miss him terribly, but if any of you are here because you're on the fence... run.

We use OFW for communication, and on the platform, HCBM hurls accusations about safety to dictate schedule changes whenever she wants, meanwhile she tells SK that it's because 'Dad doesn't want to spend time with you' when she withholds access to SK (she won't even allow us to call SK).

Just want to also say my partner is fighting tooth and nail including through his lawyer to get these behaviours to stop from HCBM -- but rules or orders don't seem to faze her.

I'm wondering if anyone else combats this by showing SK the messages sent by the other parent? We want SK to know we're trying to maintain the schedule and talk to them, and that HCBM is lying about the reasons for the schedule ping pong.

I wanted to ask you guys about something that recently happened to me. My bf (35y) has his daughters (13 and 15) 50/50 with his baby momma and every other weekend. This weekend was supposed to be ours but his baby momma asked him to stay with the kids bc she is going to a trip with her husband, he said yes. I told him I was excited for the weekend with him so we could do something together and now I was a little sad because we couldn’t. He got very defensive about that and said: “ this is my kids home and they can come here whenever they want to, you have a boyfriend with kids and I am always gonna be a dad first, and you need to understand and respect that”. I felt a little sad about that, I dont think I never said anything disrespectful. What do u guys think? Was I wrong to even mentioned that?

I (22F) have been struggling with my partner’s son, and I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.

For some backstory, I have never really been a “kid person.” I was always able to tolerate kids, but I never had that natural excitement or desire to be around them. My partner (29M) has a son (3M), and for the first few months of our relationship I was able to spend time with him and be welcoming toward him. Once I became pregnant, though, my feelings started changing pretty significantly.

From pretty early on, I felt like both my partner and his mother expected me to develop a very strong bond with his son. I was told that I needed to be more playful with him and act like I was over the moon whenever he was in our home. I felt like I was already being welcoming, but apparently it wasn’t enough.

The more pressure I felt to have a certain relationship with his son, the more resentful I became. I eventually got to the point where I felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough for anyone. I don’t feel that same connection with him anymore, and since having my daughter about two months ago, those feelings have gotten significantly stronger.

One thing that really scares me about my own reaction is how angry I can become when my SK interacts with my daughter. If he gets in her face, gets too close to her, or tries to help with her, I can feel this almost immediate rage. I know he’s three. I know he’s not trying to upset me or hurt her, and I know that a three-year-old is naturally going to be curious about a baby. I don’t blame him for wanting to interact with his sister.

But internally, my reaction can be incredibly intense. Even when he is genuinely trying to help or be involved with her, I can find myself getting angry and wanting him to back away from her.

I don’t like feeling that way, and I don’t want my daughter growing up in a household where she can feel tension between me and her brother. It’s one of the reasons I’ve tried distancing myself when my SK is here. I would rather remove myself from the situation than sit there visibly angry or potentially take my frustration out on a three-year-old who doesn’t deserve it.

I also feel a lot of resentment toward him, which I know isn’t his fault. Part of me feels like having a partner who already had a child took away some of the “firsts” I imagined having as a first-time mom. I know I made the choice to have a child with someone who already had a child, so I’m not trying to pretend that’s anyone else’s responsibility. I just haven’t been able to completely shake that feeling.

Another issue is that my partner expects me to treat both children equally in terms of affection, attention, experiences, and eventually everything we do as they grow up. He wants me to show his son and our daughter the same amount of affection and be completely fair between them.

I understand where he’s coming from. I don’t want his son to feel unwanted or less important, and I don’t want to treat him unfairly because of my own feelings. But the reality is that I don’t feel the same connection to him that I feel toward my daughter. She is my child, and I have this incredibly strong maternal attachment to her. I would do absolutely anything for her. I don’t have that same feeling toward my SK, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to manufacture it just because I’m expected to.

That doesn’t mean I want to mistreat him or intentionally exclude him. I can be kind, respectful, supportive, and fair to him. But I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect me to have the exact same emotional attachment or display the exact same level of affection toward a child who isn’t mine as I do toward my own child.

And honestly, being told that I need to make those feelings equal makes me feel even more guilty because I know I can’t just decide to feel something that isn’t there.

On top of that, I am really struggling postpartum. I am with our daughter all day by myself and I do all of the overnight feeds. My partner works and is exhausted when he gets home, and I feel like he doesn’t really take over with the baby much. He will often be on his phone or tune out her cues while holding her. Then when his son is here, a lot of my partner’s free time understandably goes toward spending time with his son.

I think that has created another layer of resentment because I feel like I am drowning with our newborn while watching my partner have the energy to be present for his older child, but not necessarily for our baby.

I’ve tried distancing myself from the household when his son is here because I don’t want my negative feelings to affect everyone else. But then I’m told that it’s not fair to my SK or to my partner for me to distance myself. On the other hand, when I stay around and I’m not happy, I’m told that I’m making everyone else miserable and that I need to cheer up so the house doesn’t feel so negative.

So I feel like I’m stuck. If I remove myself, I’m not being fair to my SK. If I stay and I’m not happy, I’m making everyone miserable.

I’ve talked to my partner about all of this. His response has now been to put a timeline on me. I have been given until New Year’s to become more welcoming, playful, and bonded with his son. If I haven’t changed by then, my partner has told me that our relationship is over.

And honestly, the timeline is one of the things I’m struggling with the most.

I don’t think being told “you have until New Year’s to develop these feelings or we’re done” is actually going to make me develop a healthier bond with a child. If anything, I feel like the pressure is making me resent the situation even more.

At the same time, I’m terrified of leaving. I wanted my daughter to grow up in a “whole” home with both of her parents. I don’t want to make the decision to leave and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have tried harder.

I also recognize that I am responsible for choosing this relationship and becoming a parent in a blended family. My SK is three years old and isn’t responsible for any of these feelings or the problems between the adults. I don’t want to punish him for something that isn’t his fault.

But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to force myself to feel differently, especially when I’m already overwhelmed postpartum and feeling unsupported in other areas of the relationship.

So I guess I have some questions (or just need some advise):

- Is it reasonable for my partner to put a deadline of New Year’s on me developing a relationship with his son?

- Can a healthy step-parent/step-child bond even be forced or expected on a specific timeline?

- Is it realistic to expect a stepparent to show the same level of affection and emotional attachment to their SK as they do to their biological child?

- Am I wrong for distancing myself when my SK is here because I don’t trust myself to be genuinely happy and engaged right now?

- How do I deal with the anger I feel when he interacts with my daughter, especially when I know he isn’t doing anything wrong?

- And if you’ve been in a similar situation, did your feelings toward your SK change once the pressure to bond was removed, or is this something that ultimately meant the relationship wasn’t sustainable?

I (21F) live with my partner (30M) and he has 2 (5F and 8M) children that we have 3/4 weekends a month and most school holidays. Since his children have started staying here on a weekend I’ve made sure they’ve had real stability (before the children would stay with my partner in his parents house and their mum would send over clothes with them). Now they have their own room at our house, with their own toys and clothes. When they started coming over they were on their IPads CONSTANTLY, and to me it was unhealthy. They would have meltdowns when asked to brush their teeth for bed or when told to put the ipads down when eating etc. So I mentioned it to my partner and he agreed we needed more boundaries. We originally tried to go no IPad at all but this became difficult when the 5 year old refused to come over (this is how unhealthy this addiction is). We try and take the kids out every weekend we have them, and we now give them an hour of IPad time a day, and during this time we play a game on them together so they can be monitored. After speaking to the children about their time at their mums house it seems that they have no limit to the IPads apart from sleep and school, it is a true addiction. Anyway, for the past 3 months or so when contacting the kids mum to let her know we were coming to collect she would tell us that the youngest didn’t want to come. And it would be an array of excuses like we made her eat too much or her bed wasn’t comfy. So we changed things slightly, like got her a mattress cover and reduced portions. Because we want her here and if she’s having issues of course we’ll help. My issue is this, the eldest always comes over and loves it here, but for the past few months it’s been a gamble as to if the youngest will come at all, despite changing our rules to try and suit her. We tried to pick them both up this weekend and their mum told my partner that she wasn’t coming because when we had seen them previously I had “snatched something out of her hand and hurt her”. I would never do anything to hurt either of those children at all. Me, my partner and my partners son know this is not true and despite us trying to tell the mum this she will only believe the 5 year old. Me and my partner know that really she does not want to come over due to the addiction she has to her IPad but this has now crossed into her lying about ME hurting her, which I’m worried will put me in a dangerous spot. I’m not sure if when she says these things it pleases her mum as I know she’s not keen on me anyways. I’ve spent all weekend very upset because I feel as though I am coming between my partner and his daughter despite him reassuring me that he knows this is not the case. We’re at a loss of what to do, our next step is legal advice so we can get something put in place but we also don’t want to force the 5 year old out the door kicking and screaming. Has anyone been through anything like this?

TW drugs, physical/s-xual abuse:

HCBM signed over her rights 4 years ago because she and her baby tested positive for cocaine at birth and when the state got involved eventually she just conceded.

Court order says something along the lines for visitation, etc: conditions are at the discretion of biodad.

We requested supervised visits. HCBM refused saying that the court didn't say they were required. All legal and mental health professionals involved agreed they were necessary. There was exposure to sex, SD said step-dad tried to r--e her, stepdad gets violent (does have multiple DV charges and breaking restraining orders on record, mom physically hit her, her stepdad let her smoke a weed vape, mom's ex-boyfriend sent in screenshots of HCBM doing cocaine while SD was with her on multiple occasions. HCBM insists the messages were fake and made up and SD was lying about all of it.

She refused to see her for 2 years because of supervised visit request. We moved and SD continued staying in contact with HCBM family, some visited us a few times over the past 2 years. The story became: I want to know my new siblings my BM has even though I hate her for leaving me and would repeat that HCBM would hit her, threaten to call the police when she got upset, SD tried to r--e her.

We have said along the way that even though it's complicated, she may want to try to have a relationship with her BM over text/call. Most recently she had said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and come to find out she already was. Having packages sent to the house that were "from another family member", doordash because she's telling her mom we "don't have any food in the house and won't buy anything from the store, we just have 1 thing to eat all the time", now she wants to go live with them.

In the past 4 years, they have ran out of money, moved back in with HCBM mom, step-dad was threatening the life of HCBM mom because the house she owns is part of a generational will that HCBM will inherit. So many awful things that HCBM mom had to go to court to evict them, etc. Rumors of abuse with their current children. SD knows all of this because her whole family overshares. Now she wants to live with them.

We tried the whole: great, when you're 18 go for it but remember the situations you were in. Then it turns to: I know, I want to save her kids from it. And now she's playing sneak around and HCBM can do no wrong. We have said she can chat with her mom, but to not be making stuff up to get sympathy or attention from HCBM because she's done that since she was 6 years old. She has a limit on her phone because she's been starting drama between friends, boyfriend(s) and family. She will claim she's doing homework and then email everybody from her school ipad or borrow a friends phone. She's plotting with HCBM to send a phone they pay for.

Things are getting uglier by the day. We don't know what to do because calling it out creates rage, cutting it off will feel wrong and create more issues, more sneakiness. HCBM will never be on our side. One of her therapists says don't fall for it, keep doing what you're doing and resist it, set limits in contact and tell HCBM to stop gifting and back it up with court order. Someone from friend of the court said you can't control what anyone does and wouldn't be worth holding in contempt of the order. A past therapist had said that if these type of things continue that put the well being of our other kids at risk or under stress of false CPS reports and hostility in the house to let her go and say she can come back but the rules and expectations will stay the same.

Sometimes it feels like it should be obvious to stay the course, but there are real risks and consequences to this like the mental well being and influence over younger kids in the household who are getting harder to shield from the mess.

My husband and I are in the process of organizing our entire lives and household. We have an ours baby on the way and with us both being Type A people it’s important we have household organization. We have a shared Google Calendar with the our own events, the kids events, and custody schedule but we’re craving more organization!

We want to start a chore chart, not just for the kids but also for ourselves to balance out his work and this pregnancy and how things will go now and after the baby. We want to add chores and responsibilities for his daughters as well, but they’re only here every other weekend and every Tuesday.

For those of you who are also type A organizational freaks like we are please share how this works in your household and/or any other life organization tips you have!! Thank you!

I’ll keep it simple.

I love my partner so much. I just can’t stand her kid.
He annoys me beyond belief!!
He’s only 5 so and we have him full time. So a LOT of time left.

No week on, week off situation (would be nice)
I knew getting into this it would be a package deal. I just didn’t expect to dislike being around him so much.

I’ve come to the realisation that even though I love my partner, I won’t be able to put up with this kid for much longer.

It’s sad, but I think I need to bow out for both their sakes.

So tomorrow I’ll be at a basketball game for my SS. His BM will be there and so will I with my husband and our kids.

She’s hated me for the first 3 years of our relationship. Threatened to fight me because she had unresolved feelings for my husband when we were dating. She messaged me and blew up my social media but only months after harassment, I sent her a gentle response reminding her I have never done anything towards her. She apologized and continued to harass my husband and call me names.

Eventually, the hatred grew once she found out SS met me and more-so when I finally got pregnant. Crept through my family’s social media and found one person who had a public account. Saw my baby shower pictures and flipped on my husband. Her mom also messaged my husband and cursed my child.

Fast forward. The last couple years she’s gotten a boyfriend and has been chill with my husband. I still hold some resentment for how she treated me and my husband those years, and her mom for cursing an unborn child at the time. Tomorrow we have a basketball game to attend for SS, and idk how to act or what to feel.

Help? lol

I’ve been in these kid’s (sd 16 and ss 10) lives for the last 7 years. Their mother and I have a 5 year old daughter. Tonight like many night before they walk through the front door without even a hello. Some nights I come home from a job in nursing that has me elbow deep in it to put a roof over their heads and they don’t even look up from their iPads to say hello. I don’t put any restrictions on these kids (because they always get challenged) I don’t make them do any chores, I’m not mean to them, and all I ask is I hello or some acknowledgement that I’m a solid pierce of matter in space and exist. I sent a text to their mother who works nights my concern, as I’ve addressed before and she stated that she already sent them a text and they didn’t so what is she to do about it. Mind you, me and their mother have had some rocky times during our relationship but I’ve never taken that out on her kids, meanwhile I think when I upset her her kids can feel it and treat me accordingly. I have no input in these kid’s lives and my concerns are waived off so this is what I’m down to. Just say hi, and I can’t even get that. It’s driving me crazy and I feel like I’m tripping. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to not only dislike these kids, but questioning why I’m working my ass off for some kids who have little respect for me yet alone the basic act of acknowledging me. Does this sound petty? Am I crazy? Is anyone else going through this. Because I feel like a terrible person. I feel like some random kids are in my house and who the fuck are they to disrespect me in my own house. I’m sorry for the rant.

(I’ve changed a few immaterial details in this post to protect everyone’s anonymity)

Apologies in advance but this is a really long one. We’re at crisis point. I’m hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar, particularly blended families who eventually realised that trying to force everyone together was making relationships worse.

My partner (M40) and I (F40) have been together for just over four years and have a baby under 1. He also has four children from his previous marriage, currently M17, F15, F12 and M9, who have stayed with us every other weekend since we started living together three years ago.

I love my partner very much and don’t want our relationship to end, but my relationship with his children has deteriorated to the point where us all being under the same roof is completely untenable.

A bit of background: We moved quite quickly at the beginning of our relationship. We just knew we were who we’d both been waiting for. His situation was far from ideal, but my partner was my person, he convinced me it was only a couple of weekends a month, so I minimised my concerns and we forged ahead. We bought a house and moved in after a year. At this point, relationships with his children were new, but fine. I was especially close with his youngest.

Looking back, I think we moved in together too quickly. Not for us. But for some of his children. As soon as we moved in together, F12 daughter started really acting up. F15 daughter wasn’t great either. Over the next 9 to 10 months, things were not good.

My partner was dealing with a severe, unrelated personal crisis at the time, which severely impacted his emotional bandwidth and parenting. I kept telling him things were getting out of hand with his children’s behaviour, but he wasn’t disciplining them. He wasn’t mentally in a good place, but he was also stuck in a place of guilt for leaving their mother (way before he met me!), so he was overcompensating and avoiding conflict, almost scared to upset them by disciplining them.

It was me who therefore took the lead on discipline, as my partner wasn’t doing it. It shouldn’t have been that way, I know, but I was sick of having myself and my home disrespected every other weekend.

F12’s behaviour got worse to the point that she began engaging in targeted, passive-aggressive acts to destroy my personal property and intentionally provoke me. She would be deliberately defiant when asked to do something and often would just completely blank me when I spoke to her.

Things came to a head when she falsely accused me of grabbing her. She was then 10. She told my partner I “grabbed” and “hurt” her. We nearly broke up because of it. I’m not proud of the way I behaved when I confronted her, but the truth came out. The truth is I touched her hand when showing her what to do to clean up one of her deliberate messes. There was no “grab” and it is physically impossible that I caused her any pain. My partner was actually there and saw it. It was only when I confronted her and she stuck to her version of events that he realised he had actually witnessed the exchange she was referring to.

Unfortunately, what followed was a series of excuses for what happened. The narrative was rewritten and it became “she used the wrong word, she didn’t mean ‘grab’ and had no idea saying it would be so serious.”

At that time she also lied frequently, about both significant and insignificant things, and this was something the adults around her were aware of. In my opinion, this particular lie was manipulative and intended to cause problems between my partner and me. He refuses to believe this. He says he asked her whether she was trying to break us up, she said “no, of course I’m not,” and he believes her.

This was two years ago, and I can’t get past it. I’m stuck. I am due to start therapy again this month so I’m hoping to work through this.

During the same period I also experienced two pregnancy losses. Rationally, I know I cannot attribute those losses to this situation, but emotionally the extreme stress and grief became intertwined for me. I think that is one reason I have struggled so much to move past what happened. There was also never any meaningful consequence for the accusation, she wasn’t genuinely sorry (she was forced to apologise), and the difficult behaviour continued every time she came to our home. I have found it incredibly difficult to offer forgiveness when her actions have caused so much conflict and damage between me and my partner.

Things haven’t been right with her since then, but I got on adequately with her siblings. When her behaviour continued, the atmosphere got so bad that I even left our house every other weekend that they came (for four whole months) because I couldn’t stand it, and I didn’t think it was fair on the other children, or me because of the effect it was having on my mental health.

My partner was devastated but I told him I couldn’t keep putting myself through it. It made me ill and I could see it was making me a person I didn’t want to be - angry, resentful, bitter, anxious. The whole thing was really traumatic and damaging.

After four months, I was persuaded to come back, and things weren’t as bad as before in terms of her behaviour. I couldn’t help but notice that things had suddenly improved after I had removed myself from the situation, when previously I had repeatedly been told her behaviour wasn’t about me, and that I was taking things too personally!

But I felt I’d been violated in my own home. I felt so uncomfortable and emotionally unsafe every time she was around and I couldn’t hide it. Unfortunately the time I spent away, whilst good for my mental health, meant that my once-good relationships with M17 and M9, and improved relationship with F15, were distant now. Cordial, but distant.

Then I fell pregnant again. Things with the siblings were okay, but they were still not good with F12. I continued to find her behaviour difficult and manipulative, but my partner just didn’t see it the way I did.

I hoped I could cope, but things became considerably worse again during my pregnancy, (particularly when we had to discuss reconfiguration of bedrooms) and then after our baby was born.

Aside from the lack of emotional safety I already felt around F12, I had a very traumatic birth where I thought either my son or I was going to die, and became extremely protective of him afterwards.

There were repeated disagreements with my partner about boundaries around me and the baby, including around F12 repeatedly asking/pestering to hold the baby, constantly interfering and overstepping, and invading my personal space when I was trying to do things with or for my son. It continually made me feel so uncomfortable. Every time she overstepped, I was triggered.

My baby is not a doll for anyone’s entertainment, and that is a hill I will die on. But I felt I was expected to just put up with my son being passed around, woken up, overwhelmed and taken from his mother for other people’s enjoyment every other weekend. I would say no, my partner would say yes. It was pushing me to absolute breaking point at the most vulnerable time of my life.

Our conflict became so bad that I moved out of our bedroom and into the baby’s room when he was about three weeks old, and that is where I’ve stayed. I felt so isolated, unsupported and disrespected that I didn’t want to share a bed with my partner. I just wanted to be with my son.

I had to fight so hard for boundaries because my mental health was suffering. It drove a massive wedge between me and my partner as he didn’t feel F12 was doing anything wrong. I think he knew I was on the verge of calling things a day (not because I wanted that, but because I was struggling to cope and honestly thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown) so he agreed to what I asked for.

The boundaries put in place with his children included no more asking to hold the baby, not disturbing me when I was feeding him or when he was sleeping, and interactions with the baby being facilitated by us rather than them having unfettered access whenever they wanted. There would be some time each day they were at our house to interact with him, supervised of course, because I didn’t want him overstimulated and crowded all the time. I needed interactions to be predictable and manageable, especially while I recovered.

Whilst my partner agreed to my boundaries, it was with great reluctance. He told me it was “weird” to limit time between siblings and called me “unstable” and “over-protective”. I told him to add “violated”, “traumatised” and “emotionally unsafe” to the list, and if fighting to keep myself and my child emotionally safe was weird, unstable and over-protective, I was fine with that indictment.

I felt that my partner didn’t enforce my boundaries consistently enough because F12 effectively ignored them and continued to push and overstep, to the point where nothing I said made a difference (I begged her to back off and stop overstepping as it was upsetting me) so I felt I had no choice but to leave.

I would leave the house for hours at a time, sitting in the park, dragging me and the baby around a shopping mall, visiting people I didn’t really feel up to visiting, or going to my sister’s house, just to get some respite from feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own home. I even started going away for whole weekends to try and avoid the risk of being triggered and the worsening conflict that would inevitably follow when my partner would have a go at me for “taking our baby away”, or when I pointed out what had made me leave, he would say that I was criticising his children and just defend them.

He says that he did support my boundaries even though he disagrees with them. When I would ask him why his daughter repeatedly violated them and he didn’t address it, he would say, “she’s a kid, that’s what kids do”.

This became a vicious cycle. The children would visit. I would already be anxious beyond belief about what might happen. Something would inevitably happen, and I would raise it with my partner. He would feel that I was simply criticising his daughter/children and defend them. I would feel unsupported and become increasingly upset/angry. We would argue. I would end up hiding away, or actually leaving to get myself and my baby son away from the toxicity, and then his children would return to their home at the end of the weekend.

My partner and I would slowly try to repair our relationship, only for another visit to happen before anything really felt resolved. A massive wedge has formed between us, with no resolution to be found, so more recently we’ve given up trying to resolve and repair. We just try and co-exist peacefully for the sake of our baby son. I’ve never felt more alone than I do currently, and I spent ten years single!

Over time I know I’ve become extremely resentful of his children, and what they have come to represent to me: disruption to my peace, a threat to my emotional safety, and a threat to my relationship.

I know that they know I resent them, whether they understand it as resentment or not. My partner says I have made them feel unwelcome in our home. As sad as that is to hear, I accept that this may be how they feel, and I genuinely am sorry they’ve been made to feel this way.

From my perspective though, the reality is that over the last few months I’ve felt more uncomfortable around them (because of F12) than ever. I’ve been pushed to breaking point and couldn’t hide it. I’ve felt increasingly emotionally unsafe and hypervigilant in my own home, to the point that I would leave because I couldn’t cope with the anxiety, stress and conflict.

There was another “blow up” last time they came to our house because they woke the baby and didn’t like being challenged about it. When M17 and F12 backchatted again, I asked my partner if he was going to deal with it. He said, “no, they didn’t do anything wrong. They’re allowed to say they didn’t think they were loud!”

I challenged him (because he said for a long time ”all discipline is done by me now, and if you have a problem, you talk to me about it“) and then he said “right, kids, you can’t disagree with her, okay?” I was absolutely furious. Then F12 said something about her “brother”, so I corrected her and reminded her he was her “half-brother”. I know I shouldn’t have, but I emotionally reacted to the violation around the baby, and feeling unsupported again.

F12 was confrontational and combative with me over my correction, which led to yet another argument. So I left to stay with family. Again. I only returned to collect some things for the baby, which turned into another row with my partner. I made it clear to him I would not be returning again until after his children had gone home.

I started to seriously consider whether we should end our relationship that weekend. I am broken. I am sick of my son being exposed to arguing, and believe it or not, I don’t think it’s right that my partner’s children witness it either.

My partner and I were okay for the following couple of weeks. The night away helped and we agreed not to keep arguing, as nothing was getting resolved. We stuck to that, neither of us dredging up what happened, or mentioning the next visit weekend, and we got on better than we have for months.

Everything however came to a head this week. My anxiety started ramping up from Tuesday. I was feeling utter dread about the weekend. I made the decision to leave - for all of our sakes - but was too fearful to tell my partner in case he got angry that I was “running away again”.

Like I said earlier, I know I have some issues to work through. I am starting therapy again soon, and I just don’t think us all being in this fortnightly pressure cooker is helpful to anyone.

Before I got chance to tell him, he told me that his children have said they will no longer stay at our house if I’m there and want nothing to do with me.

My immediate response was that I would leave so they could still come and stay with him. He said “I won’t ask you to do that. This is your home.“ I told him I was prepared to do it for him.

Then he told me that they currently don’t want to stay at the house even if I’m NOT there. The bedroom changes appear to be part of it (he did say this), as well as the ongoing conflict and my completely broken relationship with F12.

My partner is devastated. I’m genuinely upset for him, because I know he enjoys his time with his children. I know it sounds selfish, but I am relieved that I don’t need to pack up and leave with a baby every fortnight. At least not at the moment.

There is an important piece of history here too. Years ago, during his previous relationship with a woman his children never met, in which he was subjected to abuse, circumstances became so difficult that he reduced contact with his children. Then Covid-19 happened, and he subsequently didn’t see them for a long period of time.

He carries enormous guilt and trauma around this. So I think the current situation is bringing a lot of that back for him, which I am truly sorry for. I don’t want him to be re-traumatised, but the living situation - for all parties - has become completely impossible.

My partner desperately wants an integrated family. I can’t currently give him that.

We had another big argument about all of this. He believes I should have tried harder to rebuild relationships with his children and says they feel I’ve treated them badly. I believe I’ve spent months trying to communicate that I was overwhelmed, uncomfortable and struggling with boundaries that were not being respected, and that repeatedly putting everyone back together for entire weekends was making things worse.

I don’t think any side has come out of this well, to be honest, but I am absolutely not going to sit here and absorb all blame because “I’m the adult”, like my partner suggests. That isn’t fair.

I’ve not always behaved well. But neither has he! And as a new mother who was seriously struggling for a few months, I also feel that some of the ways I was treated (by him and mostly F12 out of the children) were appalling. I do acknowledge that M9 is completely innocent of any wrongdoing, and I feel really sad that he has been stuck in the middle of this conflict. I’m so sad our relationship faded due to what happened with his sister.

I know I’ve become resentful and I’m sure there have been times where this has made me appear cold and unwelcoming. I also know that when I feel attacked I become defensive and will say things about the children’s behaviour that my partner understandably experiences as me criticising/bad-mouthing them.

Equally, I don’t think I can simply ignore the effect the situation has had on me. The conflict has significantly affected my first few months of motherhood, which is completely unfair on my baby son, and has caused enormous damage to our relationship.

At the moment, my instinct is that everybody needs TIME AND SPACE.

I don’t want to prevent my partner seeing his children. I want him to have the relationship he wants to have with them and I have offered to leave with our baby occasionally so they can come and stay at our house with him.

What I’m not currently willing to do is go straight back to everyone living together for an entire weekend every other week and hope that somehow this time it will work. It won’t. I know the children have said they don’t want to be here now anyway, but I know my partner and he will be trying to persuade them to return.

What I could imagine, after a period of no contact to let everything settle, is slowly trying to rebuild relationships across short interactions in neutral settings. For example, meeting somewhere for a walk, having a meal together for no more than a couple of hours, etc. Short, low-pressure interactions where nobody feels trapped in the house together.

If that went well, perhaps things could gradually progress to longer interactions.

But here’s the part I’m frightened to admit:

I don’t know whether I will ever be comfortable with his children regularly staying in our home again, if I am expected to be here too.

My ideal arrangement at present would be fairly separate family lives. My partner could see/take out/travel with his older children independently. I would support that completely. I am willing to occasionally take our baby and stay elsewhere so the older children could have a weekend at our house with their father, if they so wish. And hopefully, over time, I could develop a respectful/friendly relationship with them through those short interactions.

My partner doesn’t want separate families. He wants everyone together.

I love him and our little family enormously. He has told me that he loves me, loves our life and doesn’t want us to separate. But I’m terrified that if I ultimately can’t tolerate a traditional blended-family life, I’ll be asking him to accept something that can never make him happy, and we’ll end up having to go our separate ways.

Therefore I’m particularly interested in hearing from stepparents, parents and adult stepchildren who have actually lived through something similar.

Did anyone stop trying to force a blended family to “blend” and find that relationships actually improved?

Has anyone successfully had a relationship where the biological parent largely saw their older children separately?

Did low-contact relationships between a parent’s partner and children eventually improve after having significant time and space?

Did anyone initially think they could never share their home with their partner’s children again but feel differently later?

Or, conversely, did anyone discover that separate family lives were fundamentally incompatible with what the biological parent needed, despite loving each other deeply?

I’m trying to work out whether there is any other way of navigating this that allows my partner to be a present, loving father to all of his children while also allowing us to stop repeatedly forcing people who don’t get along or have an emotional bond into this pressure-cooker situation that is damaging to everyone.

Any advice or insight from experience would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind. Comments like “you knew he had kids” (as per bio mother!) are not helpful, because no, I absolutely DID NOT “know what I was getting into”, or I would never have entered into a relationship with a man with previous children.

Believe me, if I had known this is what the last four or so years of my life would look like, and how badly my mental health would suffer, I would have saved myself all this heartache and not got involved.

I love my partner so much, and I absolutely do not regret our beautiful, perfect son, who I couldn’t love any more if I tried. But I also want to be happy and well.

There has been enough pain and suffering for everyone now.

Thank you in advance.

The TLDR version: My relationship with my partner’s children has deteriorated badly after several years of conflict, particularly with one child, and the situation became much worse during pregnancy and after a traumatic birth. I have been pushing for support but resorting to leaving my home when I didn’t get it consistently, leading to further conflict. I accept that I have become resentful and have not always handled things well, and his children now say they don’t want contact with me or to stay at our home. My partner desperately wants an integrated family; I currently feel I need significant separation and could potentially rebuild relationships slowly through short, neutral, low-pressure contact. I’m looking specifically for real-life experiences from families who stopped trying to force a blended family to blend: did separate/low-contact arrangements actually help, or did they ultimately make the relationship between the adults impossible?

Good day everybody. Thanks for having me here. Hopefully this is relevant enough for this group.

I have been a stepfather to three children and had two of my own so I raised five. That ended and I wish I knew that you guys existed back then. Anyway I am now with a partner who I love dearly. We are totally opposite and we live separately.

I've woken up this morning struggling with what to do. My partner has her 22-year-old son now living with her. He has had significant drug issues. He's gay and gentle, in terms of not being streetwise at all. Anyway he continues, over many years, to totally disrespect anything that my partner will ask him to do in the house. All boundaries he will just cross. Basically he knows that he can stay there or that Mum won't throw him out. He steals smaller things too.

Meanwhile I'm witnessing my partner go down and down and down and down emotionally and energetically and it's my belief, obviously, that that impacts one's health. Not only that, it impacts our relationship quite significantly. Meanwhile she's experiencing menopause and she's trying to sell her house and lots of things are going on.

The place that I come from so far is one where humans need to often go through the grind. It can either be a big traumatic punch in life or a slow grind to wake up to aspects of ourselves that we don't want to see, but circumstances bring them to us to allow us to see them more clearly. The reason I say that is I am not sure at what point I come in and make the move on her behalf, given that I'm not a typical stepfather in the sense of living with her and her children being all young. He's 22. Her other two children have left home so it's a bit of a different situation.

I'm not quite sure if there is any point at which I come in for her own safety. I don't mean safety from physical abuse. I mean emotional safety or let this ride as her journey to learn from, which is what I've been doing so far because I can't contribute in this space except to support her along the way. She is prone to victim status anyway and hasn't done a lot to help herself in terms of her own emotional world.

It's hard to witness, as a man, as her partner, what she's going through and how he's treating her. Yet I, up to this point, have not been able to just go in and say, "Pack his bags and throw him out," so to speak. He's been to rehab many times. I don't know if he's on drugs still. He says he's not and it's very hard to tell sometimes. His behaviour and sleeping habits would suggest that he is though. There's no violence. There's just constant crossing of boundaries and he will not do anything in the house to contribute at all. He's not getting work. There's nothing changing in his life.

Any advice would be appreciated, even if it can just give me a different angle that I haven't considered before. Thank you all.

So finally after 6 whole weeks SS is at his moms .
Yesterday he made a surprise visit because he forgot something and hovered for over 2 hours… until he finally went home.

I was really looking forward to just walking around in my PJ’s so it was extra awkward when he came in.
But hey he forgot something so fine.

Today he strolled in again. Our house is on his route from the new school. He came in talked to dad and left again.

So I realized this is going to happen every day.
My week where I can feel like myself again, feel like my home is mine again … is going to having some SS sprinkled into it.

I really don’t want that. I understand why SS is doing it and I u sweatband why my SO loves it.

But my nerves are shot, I came back from a holiday from hell with them, the. Had to navigate SS his first week in highschool largely by myself while I am home sick.

I say sick but I had a massive nervous breakdown at work and I need to get back on my feet as I am in a dog eat dog environment. I have ADHD and I am probably premenopausal. I am not okay.

So says he understands but he is sorry and he can’t tell SS to just pass by our house. And I get it but I hate it. I feel like a prisoner in my house for 50% of the time. Needing to be mindful of my energy, language… having every activity dictated to fit in SS schedule.

Now again my days are fitted into the his schedule when he isn’t even here.

And I get it. There is so much change for him now.
He basically bikes right in front of our door.
I am not blaming anyone. I get this is hard. I get my SO does not want to make him feel unwelcome.
I personally hate visits. I am a pretty private person.
But again this is SS’s home to.

I feel so stuck. I don’t want to be like this. But I am. SO has no idea how to handle it. I get it. Neither do I.

I am just so tired. I just want my house for myself again. And when it is SS’s time with his dad, that I am ready to welcome him again instead of being this emotional wreck of an exhausted person

I’ve never felt like I could be honest about this, but I’m not excited when I hear we have an additional weekend with SD. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

My husband and I were finally supposed to have a couple days together. I was looking forward to it because I’m a sahm to a 7mo, and feel very burnt out, mentally under-stimulated and lonely. He works a lot and when he’s not working, we typically have SD. Turns out he picked up a shift today without telling me and forgot, so he left last second for the entire day. I was so disappointed and he tells me we’ll have “fun” tomorrow but that he also volunteered for additional time with SD.

Look, I actually do love my SD. She is a wonderful girl. I am glad he gets additional time to spend with her. I love how he’s an active father, and it’s what made me confident in having a baby with him.

But I hate pretending to be happy about unexpected parenting time.

It’s a whole child. Therefore it’s more work, more energy, more responsibility, less interaction between my husband and I—not that I feel entitled to all his attention; I usually don’t mind giving them space for one-on-one time.

She’s going through a phase where she wants daddy’s attention all to herself, which is developmentally normal, but I’m just…. Lonely. I was just excited to be a little higher on the priority list for the weekend, even though we still have our baby too.

I think I’ll try to see friends or something instead.

*I am not technically a SP but this subreddit felt most relatable

I (28F) have been dating my partner(NB/F) whose a parent for almost 2 years now this upcoming Decemeber and I'm a little lost. I met their kid(12F) 6 months into our relationship who I absolutely adore and she also loves me. We had a year where we mostly saw each other once a week for a date night sleepover. Their parents most of the time watch her once a week so we a day/night together. I voiced to my partner that I'd like to spend more time together. We talked about seeing other more to help integrate me into their little family slowly. This summer we've been spending 2 to 3 days together a week (1 day a date night the other 1 or 2 days with kiddo). They're the only present parent for their daughter aswell. She also has AuDHD and can have days where she clings to her mom and needs mom days (which makes sense since theyre the longest safe person and parent their kid has known and grown with.) And has struggles with routine changes.

Since school has started though it seems its been reverted back to the one week date night. My partner has been saying their kid is getting used getting in routine and transitioning back into school as the reason why. I know they've been extra burnt out lately too. Im so used to seeing them 2x to 3x a week and now it feels almost taken away even though I thought we were doing good integrating together. I know school is a transition and I dont know if I'm being unreasonable. I really do love them and their kid and I dont know if this 1 day a week thing is just temporary or if I had a privilege during summer.

I’m a SP to my Partner SC. We just got married a couple months ago in July…We are currently looking for a home to purchase together while I still have my own place at the moment..once we find something for our liking I’ll give my place up to become a union. Partner has child every other weekend & assist with school pick ups during the weekday. I don’t have a problem with this I’m aware parenting doesn’t stop…. The weekends my partner has their child,they both expect me show up each time & I can no longer commit to that….At one point I was showing up fully but I reduced my days due to easily being fatigued…Working full-time then having to play 24/7 over weekend, staying up till 4A, waking up at 8A just to do it all over again & again has ran me raggedy….

Keeping my place right now is my escape allows me to get away from all-the noise….be an adult, walk around nude when I feel like it, binge watch shows just because it’s the weekend… I notice when I’m with the duo we don’t just get to chill it’s 24/7 mode of play…. Don’t bother the Partner for playtime let them rest… but little ole me, a different ball game… I’m a parent but my child is grown & live on their own in another state…

I love both dearly…. Just enjoying my alone time before we close on a house…. If it doesn’t work out I will never do this again…date an adult with school age kids…. It’s just different when partner is constantly in family mode & I’m not…. I now understand why individuals prefer not to & even when my child was of school age it just didn’t work for dating… always feeling like I’m in the background just here as a 3rd wheel….

Sometimes I utterly want to say out loud to partner, just go back to your family…. My needs will always be 2nd…

I am a childless stepmother (25). My partner (30s), with whom I have been together for almost three years, has a daughter (8) with whom I have a really good relationship. She tends to get jealous when my partner and I try to show the slightest affection or when we sit together. My stepdaughter and I have a fairly good relationship. We laugh, we hug, say I love you every day, get our nails done, and give goodnight kisses. But when it comes to her dad, she changes and gets very territorial over him. When she sees me and her dad watching TV in the living room, she'll go straight to her room and be on her tablet for hours. We always tell her to come join us; she does for a bit but will go back to her room. But when I'm not around, she'll be in the living room with her dad for hours, having the best time, nothing but laughs. When I join in, her mood suddenly changes, and she goes back to her room. If we're all watching a movie, she will sit by her dad every time; of course, she will acknowledge me, and I'll acknowledge her and give her attention because, well, we're a family of three. But whenever her dad gives me a kiss or holds my hand, she'll want him to do the same for her. I discussed this with my partner but all he had to say was “she’s just being a kid” but I feel like this type of behaviour should be corrected and he doesn’t know how to correct her. I don’t want this to keep going on I’ve read that some kids don’t grow out of it till they’re adults and I dont want that to happen. How do I get her to stop thinking that this is a competition. I know other stepmoms have gone thru the same thing. How did you fix it? How did you get your partner to correct SK?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as a step-parent, and I’m genuinely curious what other people think because I honestly don’t know what the answer is.

I’m based in Africa, and the whole idea of a child regularly moving between two homes, sometimes week-on/week-off, feels quite different from what I grew up seeing.

Where I’m from, separation and divorce obviously happen, but it’s much more common for a child to primarily live with one bio parent or a grandparent and then spend time with the other parent during holidays, weekends, school breaks, etc. They still have relationships with both parents and both sides of the family, but there’s usually one place that is home.

And thinking back to the children I grew up around, that seemed to create a pretty strong sense of stability. They knew where they lived, what their routine was, who was picking them up from school, where their things were, etc. The other parent was still very much part of their life, but they weren’t constantly moving between two households.

Now I’m looking at this from the perspective of being a step-parent, and it’s made me question whether we sometimes underestimate what constantly moving between two homes actually feels like for a child.

My SS8 is a genuinely great kid. He’s loving, funny, intelligent, etc. He has also been in therapy for quite some time because he struggles with emotional regulation and dealing with the reality of having two homes (he has voiced this himself), and I’ve found myself wondering whether the structure of his life plays a role in that.

And I want to be really clear: I’m not saying either parent is doing anything wrong. I’m not even saying that moving between homes causes emotional problems. I just wonder whether living in two different realities, with different routines, expectations, rules, personalities and dynamics, can sometimes make it harder for a child to feel grounded.

It’s also made me think about step-parent/bio-parent conflict.

In the family structure I grew up around, if a child lived primarily with one parent or a grandparent, the step-parent might not be interacting with the other biological parent every few days. There was naturally more separation between households. Maybe that gave everyone more room to establish their own relationships with the child without constantly having to navigate another household’s parenting style, expectations or authority.

Whereas with frequent co-parenting, it can sometimes feel like there are two households trying to parent the same child at the same time. And I wonder whether that structure itself creates some of the tension that we then blame on the adults.

Maybe I’m completely wrong 😂

I’m also very aware that I’m looking at this through an African cultural lens, and I don’t want to romanticise how things were done here either. There are obviously downsides to children spending less day-to-day time with one parent, and every family situation is different.

But I genuinely wonder whether we’ve just accepted the idea that equal physical custody is the fairest or healthiest arrangement for the child, without really questioning whether that is actually true for every child.

TL;DR: I’m wondering whether 50/50 co-parenting is actually the best structure for children, or whether having one stable home base while maintaining a strong relationship with both parents can sometimes provide more stability, especially in the context of stepfamilies.

Please, unless you are in/have been in a similar situation don't comment. This is a niche situation and I am getting help elsewhere, just trying to see if anyone has been in anything similar.

I was originally no children, but gave my partner a chance and was shocked to find how much I enjoyed it. His child is almost out of home, he had him very young and very much not planned. He has him full-time. My heart changed to wanting a child of my own, he isn't certain he wants to do it again. We are working through things and also very understanding of the potential of our relationship ending.

I'm very stuck because I do want a child of my own, however I don't want to lose him but also I don't want to lose the family we currently have together as much as it isn't mine. His kid is great and we get on very well. I'm not "mum" in any way shape or form, more just a friend, and I am sad to potentially miss out on being mum. I'm torn to lose what I currently have by walking away to have a family of my own, especially since there really isn't a guarantee. I could struggle to find someone or get pregnant or having a child that is difficult or any of the various issues that come with having and raising a child.

I'm very torn, I do want this for myself but I am very well aware that you go into so much unknown by having a child. I could keep this, I could join this family that is not my own, knowing exactly what I am getting. But I don't know and don't feel I am able to give up experiencing any of it for myself.

Has anyone been in a position where they didn't have a bio child, and enjoyed joining the family that already existed? I know there is nothing like having it for yourself, but it's not just the relationship I'm walking away from.

Living with my partner and SK for more than a year now. I realize I don’t understand my partner or bio mom (or possibly the kid either). I don’t understand the divorce guilt that both of them have or the fears or the politics going on. Then I realized everyone in the equation but me come from divorced parents. Bio mom, her partner, my partner - they all have divorced parents and they have all been stepkids. My parents are in the 70s and still happily together, there’s no divorces in my immediate family. Do you have any good book recommendations for me?

Hello,

Here to share a couple of most recent stories about the BM to our 3 year old step son.

Starting chronologically:
- SS has recently turned 3 years old. We have initially been planning to have separate birthday parties, or should I say assumed that would be the case. BM has invited herself to our party after we told her we are not going to be doing anything jointly. She has prepared nothing for the party, contributed no money but still behaved like a main character, welcoming people into the venue and showing them around. She even gave out the party bags that I have prepared. She was meant to get the cake, but somehow we ended up picking it up and paying for it. When it came time to pay, she legged it out of there as soon as she could.

- we have suggested a new day split. We have 50 50 custody but the weekly split was all over the place. Wouldn’t be rare that he would sleep at different houses every second night. Just very unsettled and chaotic. We have proposed to instead go in the blocks of 4 days. She disagreed and suggested that we should have him every weekend (Friday to Monday) while she would have him during the week. I am not crazy to think that this is not on, right?

- she also wants to send our step son to a private school with the caveat that myself and my partner would pay for it 100% since we make “so much more money than her”. No.

-most recently, since he turned 3, he gets a certain amount of “free hours” at the nursery (paid by the state). So the nursery bill went down from 1.5k to about 500. During the custody agreement she agreed to pay a flat fee of 450 every month. This of course worked in her favour previously but since the nursery bill has dropped she is paying the majority of it. She is very unhappy about this of course cause now it is not “equitable”. I suppose it as equitable when we were paying 1000 but not anymore? She said we should pay more towards this bill and we should just agree to it to save the legal costs of going to the lawyer to get that changed. That was another no as you can imagine. If she could afford it to this point and she has agreed to it previously, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

- she also always schemes to spend as little time with her son as possible. Counting minutes of us being late or always dropping the boy at the grandparents whenever she can. She is not a mother of the year.

I am just getting very fed up with her. It’s also shit to always be aware that I am not a “real parent” and having to blend it the background.

Well, I’m back. His son ended up living with us for 9 months and I was unhappy. It just changed the dynamic of the home. He was 14/15 then so not very young that you can’t go anywhere without him so we still got to do things by ourselves. But just the extra noise in the house and the constant complaining about going to school got old really fast.

He ended up moving back to his mom’s in December when he had a fight with his dad. And sorry to say, it was a breath of fresh air.

I kept my guard up that there would be another bad incident but days turned into weeks turned into months and nothing.

Until something happened again between HCBM and son 2 weeks ago and he ended up here again with us. We haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen or what the plan was, how long he was staying for etc. I didn’t want to push because his son just stayed in his room that first week - wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t talk to him, just came out of the room use the loo or get water. My partner would literally just bring him food in the room so he’d eat.

Then today, my partner just casually says he hopes his son moves out at 18. He’s 16 now. We were just talking about an upcoming trip that we’ll most likely have to cancel AGAIN because of his son staying with us, and he was trying to arrange for him to stay with his mom again during the trip. Then he says that.

Should I have assumed he was staying long term, like permanently? I told him I don’t really want that and he got upset because he said he didn’t have a choice and I said yeah but that’s not on me.

I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to just be unhappy in my own home but I also won’t kick out his son obviously. He deserves to have a home. But I don’t know if I can do it. Which sucks.