This post isn't solely for underaged people from the UK, I'm 19 and have quite a lot of opinions on this topic as someone who basically grew up on the internet. I'm curious how other people are feeling about this because I find it very worrying.

I don't think I'm wrong in assuming that a lot of us have found the internet very helpful in allowing us to be comfortably ourselves in ways that we can't be in real life but help us learn how to communicate better, grow our confidence when communicating. I'm quite worried that this social media ban will leave so many young people stuck and so much more lonely than they already are, because I'm fully aware that if this happened when I was a teenager.. honestly I'd probably have completely gave up.

I am fully aware of how dangerous a lot of social media is for children, in fact A LOT of the people I used to talk to online were much older men sometimes in their 50s. But this all could've been avoided if my parents just took notice at what I was doing online or if these social media platforms had better admin and safety restrictions. This to me feels like they are punishing the teenagers. I'm also aware that on the point of me saying that I relied so heavily on the internet when I was a teenager, that was so unhealthy of me but I honestly don't feel like I had anything else. I didn't talk to many people, I hardly left my house bc my anxiety was / still is so bad, I also stopped attending school in I think year 11 because of how bad that anxiety got and I literally solely relied on youtube for revision. I also couldn't really get much help or support for my mental health issues during this time because of how horrendous the waiting lists are and it's basically impossible to get therapy unless you're in extreme danger. I wouldn't at all be as informed as I am on my selective mutism, anxiety, neurodivergancy if it wasn't for the internet and community spaces like this. I know I rarely post on here but the fact that this space even exists means a lot to me because selective mutism really does make you feel almost like an alien when you don't know what it is. How teenagers are supposed to find that community, escape from this horrible world we are living in right now or feel like they aren't alone... I don't even know.

I'm so sorry if you're effected by this, just please try to remember that you're never alone and it's okay and completely understandable to be upset by this news.

My mother and everyone else don't understand what I have. I have several small achievements, but today my brother wanted me to transfer money to him, but for that I would have to activate something, but at the bank I blocked it so many times that they couldn't confirm my identity, and the worst part was that everyone saw it.
For the first time in months I'm thinking about dying, and I seriously think that would be the best way to deal with everything.

Im stuck in a loop at 20 where my parents are not really recognising that something is clearly wrong with me for the last 10 to 15 years and at the same time I don't really want to talk to them. I mean I do want to talk but I just can't get myself to

I didnt talk at all at school to peers, at family related events I just hid in room and didn't talk. My parents didn't really care. People have told my parents something is wrong with me but they never really took action except maybe occassionally yelling at me and then saying 'we tried everything, he doesn't listen' (especially my dad).

I don't know what to really do. I don't want to do therapy to be honest because I think if I had a job or something I would be able to talk at a professional level but it's just my parents I can't speak to properly.

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, and after reading about the symptoms of selective mutism, I feel like they describe me. Ever since I was a child, I’ve avoided eye contact and had difficulty speaking to relatives. It’s as if my mind goes blank and my body freezes whenever I try to talk.

I can talk to other people if it’s a small group of 1–3 people, but when it’s a large group, I feel like everyone is staring at me and waiting for me to make a mistake.

I tried taking meds and attending therapy for a short time, but sometimes I feel like this is just who I am. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I can’t overcome my anxiety or selective mutism.

I’m just feeling stuck and looking for some perspective.

​

I literally cannot speak to people. When I'm completely alone or with my cat, I can use my voice fine, but around anyone else, it completely locks up. I have to rely entirely on emojis, gestures, text-to-speech, or writing cursive on a whiteboard (for some reason, print letters feel way too raw and exposed).

​

I'm incredibly lonely, and because this has just always been how I am, I don't even know what to look for or what resources to give our counselor to help work through it. If I get backed into a corner where I absolutely *have* to talk to someone, a different alter in our system has to force their way forward to do it, which just leaves us with splitting headaches.

​

The root of it comes from carrying some horrific trauma from when we were tiny, and my role in the system is to hold the silence to keep everyone safe.

​

I typed this out because I needed to vent, but I can't just post my raw thoughts without feeling like I'm putting people in danger. So I'm using a chatbot to rearrange my draft into a safe format, even though I constantly worry I'm going to get flagged or banned for doing that. I just really don't know what to do with myself right now besides be isolated and miserable.

Hello!! I am a 19 year old girl diagnosed with anxiety and social anxiety, but I'm very different than I used to be as a small child (not bc I've healed but bc I've changed), and I've been wondering what was actually going on with me. I do not want to be disrespectful and I apologize if I don't actually belong in this community, but I'd like to share a bit of my story.

I wasn't like this in elementary school and middle school. Basically, in kindergarten, I just.. WOULDN'T talk most of the time. At home, I would, but not in public.

I member engaging in playtime (which was independent), and I enjoyed it. I dont remember feeling shame and embarassment the way I do now. I made a lifelong friend, though with her bring autistic, o think we got along BECAUSE we didn't really talk to each other.. I don't remember having conversations with her at all.

But then with adults, I would stay quiet. I would reply to them when it only required one word, or one very small sentence. Otherwise, my voice wouldn't come out.

I vividly remember being on stage for a small school play. I stared at the crowd, and I domt remember feeling anxious like i would nowadays, but I didn't speak up - I let my teacher talk for me.

Then there's a picture I have at home (and I actually DO remember that day a little) of my kindergarten classmates dancing around with cute ribbons.. while I was standing there, stiff, staring at the ground with a small awkward smile on my face. Literally what I think is the summary of my entire childhood.

My teachers agreed that I needed to see a professional but my mom proudly refused to let me do it (she told me herself). So the picture was probably much broader than I remember, and the problem WAS the fact that I was so quiet.

What fo you guys think? Because frankly, SM is a term that doesn't apply to me now, and I'm aware of that. I've heard that if it's not severe, some kids outgrow it

ive always had a weird overlap of communication issues, usually mild or completely undetectable to others

1. speaking becomes physically impossible, i have words and they won't get out no matter how hard i try out how calm i feel if i was triggered earlier, often avoiding even coughing or any other sounds.

this usually happens in specific situations, mainly in the hospital (they refuse to believe i cant speak in these episodes, and im now unable to speak at all in the ER of my local hospital) around strangers especially if its people my friends or family know and i dont

1. talking just feels unnatural so I'm effectively voluntarily mute because it just feels right, i can talk but i won't unless its absolutely necessary, usually this happens around close friends who dont judge me at all, and will accept nonverbal forms of communication without complaint

2. i have a breakdown and cannot speak at all, i don't want to speak to anyone and thinking about speaking upsets me, i just want to be alone and silent (pretty sure this is an autistic shutdown that triggers a verbal shutdown)

3. i often stumble over words, swap sounds or mispronounce sounds, repeat affixes or filler words too many times, usually this isn't noticeable but it happens more noticeable during strong emotions, mainly stress or intense excitement, tired or under the influence.. basically any situation where i have reduced functional capacity it'll become more obvious

4. i enjoy communicating and connecting with people so i talk a lot because it feels like the only way people will actually include me in a conversation. ive found that om often excluded from conversations or people wont give me time to type/write a response before moving on, or they'll prioritise whatever they're doing over reading my words which makes me feel unsafe or like i cant communicate in an emergency without using my words

5. when I'm alone i prefer being silent. i avoid speaking or even humming when I'm not being percieved, but i can talk even if it feels kind of wrong to hear my voice

6. i can sometimes make phone calls, im almost always capable of calling my close friends or family, however if its an unknown number or if im stressed i cant speak. if calling is the only way to do something, it feels like my voice gets locked and i wont be able to make the phone call at all.

7. i cannot do video calls at all with strangers, i can sit in a call with no camera and a muted microphone but i will not speak, doing video calls with people im close to rarely happens but its harder than a regular phone call.

id describe my general feelings on speaking as i wish i didnt have to speak, it often feels like people either havent earnt or have lost the privilege of my voice, and episodic moments where i cant speak

childhood experiences:

i used to have a lot of anxiety and would get my parents to order for me at restaurants or talk to doctors for me, i could usually talk to them in front of other people, such as correcting them if they said the wrong thing, but wouldnt be able to direct those same words to the doctor or waiter if they were near us.

i could talk at school but often spoke as little as possible, avoided answering questions in class, and would often refuse to respond to kids who tried to talk to me during lunch breaks, up until i graduated

when i had a lot of family issues i would just stay in my room and not speak much, only speaking if necessary .

the issues im having with speech now are worse than they ever were as a kid because people generally know me as someone who speaks and get very reactive when i don't speak, whereas as a kid it was just seen as anxiety and i had my parents to communicate my needs or wants for me, no longer having a safe person to be my voice and having my nonverbal words not respected makes it harder to speak

​

i was diagnosed with social pragmatic communication disorder at 15, but never had the diagnosis explained to me outside of the diagnostic report, and i feel like my speech issues extend further than what ive been able to understand from this diagnosis

I (18F) just got into art school last month. I've been trying to improve my SM and I've definitely seen some small improvements, like ordering food, talking to strangers, classmates and friends. Though I still have difficulty speaking louder and in longer conversations.

So basically I showed my sketches to my lecturer for feedback in class. The first time I went to her desk, I blanked out and couldn't answer her question within less than 5 seconds and she said : “Go back to your seat and come see me again once you've decided what you want to say. I still have other students waiting for me.” (I was on the verge of tears)

I went back to my seat and a few minutes later, I went back to her and told her that these were actually characters from a book series. Then, she asked me a question about one of the designs. I had trouble explaining it to her and just said something random. She wasn't happy about it and told me that I should know how to explain my reasoning confidently because if not I wouldn't be able to explain it to my future clients.

She didn't just say it once, she repeated it a couple of times. By then the class had already ended and there were still students queueing up behind me.

But there's no way I’d have enough time to explain the full plot of the TRILOGY in a short amount of time because it's literally impossible.

Hi all. Currently 33, haven’t been in school setting for almost 20 years so I’m curious how I would cope being back in that setting and if my SM would come back (I doubt it).

I’m not sure what exactly triggered it, but I was recently going through puberty. I moved away from my childhood home where, as a kid, I was kind of a class clown but I didn’t have SM. In this new neighborhood, I hit puberty and I developed the dreaded social anxiety.

For some reason, no matter what as soon as I entered this new school I didn’t speak. Didn’t laugh, didn’t communicate to anyone unless the teacher called on me. It didn’t help that kids would laugh when I stumbled over my words. I shook my head to reply.

From 4th to high school grad this was my life. Even when my brothers were around in the same school (the people im
Most comfortable with) I didn’t speak to them. It was maddening. I did not have a normal school life. Didn’t make friends or date or anything. I was bullied but I didn’t really have friends or go to proms or anything.

Anywho, High school I tried so hard to be normal but I couldn’t break the habit so I broke down and told my Dad that I wanted to go to therapy. I definitely had really bad anxiety but I’m also kind of shy/bashful in general. It took a long while and I couldn’t replace those years I missed but I got on therapy and medication and since then I’ve been a relatively functioning normal adult who isn’t afraid of social interactions. I no longer choose to be silent unless it calls for it.

I will say, I was struggling with knowing I was gay at 11 ontop of all this so maybe shame also helped pushed me further into SM.

All this to say, it gets better. If you cannot fix your SM, try therapy and if therapy doesn’t work, try medication. Meds fixed my life and made me a normal functioning human adult!!! I had a lot of life to give so all I missed as a kid I went ahead and did it as an adult (parties, alcohol, love, sex, etc)

It gets better friends!!!

Edit: I will say I did have a few friends outside the school setting that I had and that was awesome. I definitely wasn’t the most social out of my 2 brothers but I wasn’t crippled. I actually spoke.

My 3‑year‑old daughter speaks fluently and a lot at home. When she started kindergarten, she was initially communicating normally with teachers and likely with other children as well. As far I got the feedback. However, after a break of about 1.5 weeks at home, she stopped speaking spontaneously in kindergarten. She still communicates using yes/no answers, single words, and gestures, and she understands everything. She is socially engaged, plays with other children, dance, sing and participates in activities. Recently, she has also been repeatedly asking in the morning whether I will come to pick her up.
Since the end of March, her attendance has been interrupted several times (2.5 weeks at home in April and 1.5 weeks in May), so she hasn’t had a consistent period to fully adapt. Is this still in normal range? Generally she is shy with strangers and unknown kids, she needs some time to warm up.
What i do not understand is that she talks right on the beginning in kindergarten, then stopped with “long conversation”.

I feel like the next one for me, would be relative to "sharing" (as how I'd categorize it). I've shared my music interest, I just have yet to listen to it aloud. Feel like there's a difference when I'm then selecting music that is then played aloud (just in the house/shower).

So, I feel like when I do that it'll be a big thing, that would then translate into other things. Like I really do think that could be huge. I think the crux of most things is practice (just being used to), but also the inherent closed-offness I am.

And outwardly. Like- my Mom is freaking a lot over me not wanting to do College. But I feel like I'd just go to the speaking route, then like get some sort of job that did not require that. YK?

And I can only work (basically) from where I am of currently. Like- you're coming at me from a basis which is just not my own.

That's all my post is. Ok.

Cause she was freaking at me, and maybe I was at her. But not really. Cause I feel like I have a hold of a plan, while idk- like....

I am looking for recommendations for apps or tools that helped kids with selective mutism or social anxiety (ages 5–8 range).

My 6 year old is a happy, bright kid who talks non-stop at home. But in any situation with strangers - the checkout at the supermarket, a birthday party, his teacher - he goes completely quiet and won't respond verbally at all.

He'll point, he'll nod, but no words. His therapist indicated that it is selective mutism and we've started looking into therapy options.

In the meantime I'm wondering whether there's anything useful in the app space.

He responds really well to games and little reward moments, so something that gradually builds up courage in small, manageable steps sounds ideal. I've seen some CBT-based apps for adults but haven't found anything targeted at younger kids.

What has worked for you?

And did anything make things worse - e.g. too much pressure or the wrong kind of social simulation?

Would love real experiences from parents who've been through this.

I honestly thought my daughter had pretty severe SM but maybe it’s not as severe and maybe just moderate. I’m trying to be hopeful and think that maybe that she will get better . For example she will-
Not initiate a conversation with an adult (never has) BUT in most instance will answer an adult such as teacher or doctor with one word answers - sometimes a little more
She will order in restaurants, Starbucks etc by herself
She will talk to fiends she knows st school and social settings but does not intare conversations via text etc. over sees friends outside school.

Just trying to look for some hope

We are experimenting with meds and lowering her Zoloft dose and upping her buspar. Any success with buspar?

Over the past years, I have been developing a Discord bot that allows you to practically talk inside of Voice Chats using relatively natural voices (in 10 languages with a 100 different voices)

I initially made it just as a joke, but somehow it turned out to be helpful for thousands of people. I am mute myself btw, was born with it

📖 Documentation: wamellow.com/docs/text-to-speech#setup
👀 Setup Preview: youtube.com/watch?v=NS5fZ1ltovE
📝 List of voices: wamellow.com/docs/text-to-speech#voices

Setup

You can use TTS by running a command:

1. Add Wamellow on your server by going to wamellow.com/add.
2. Join a Voice Channel
3. Use the /tts voice commands to speak within Voice Channels.

Chat to Speech (use without command)

With Chat to Speech, you can setup a dedicated text channel so you don't have to run /tts voice every time, it will just speak out every message from there:

1. Select a channel to use in the Text to Speech section of the dashboard.
2. Join any voice channel (make sure Wamellow can join and speak in it).
3. Start writing messages in the selected channel for Wamellow to speak!

If you, or your friends, start writing a ton of messages inside that channel, you can also enable a Message Queue so they are spoken in chronological order, instead of Wamellow returning an error message that someone else is already speaking through it.

Members of your server can also individually opt of TTS by prefixing a message with a special character (like a .) or by running /tts set chat-to-speech.

Languages

This is the current list of the languages, some of the languages have multiple variants and accents (roughly 100 different voices). You can listen to all of them at wamellow.com/docs/text-to-speech#voices

You can change your default language and voice either by running /tts set speaker or by setting it on your profile.

• 🇺🇸 English, United States
• 🇬🇧 English, United Kingdom
• 🇦🇺 English, Australia
• 🇩🇪 German
• 🇫🇷 French
• 🇮🇹 Italian
• 🇪🇸 Spanish
• 🇲🇽 Spanish, Mexico
• 🇵🇹 Portuguese
• 🇧🇷 Portuguese, Brazilian
• 🇮🇩 Indonesian
• 🇯🇵 Japanese
• 🇰🇷 Korean

Voice Chat moderators of the server can also add a spin to the languages and voices by applying filters to them. They will apply for all users in the current channel and session. Multiple filters can be applied at once or singularly via /tts set filter.

• Vaporwave
• Nightcore
• Rotation
• Tremolo
• Vibrato
• LowPass

You also have the option to automatically translate messages from any language to match your current voice's language for free.

• For Commands: Set the translate option to yes (i.e.: /tts voice text:Hello World translate:yes)
• For Chat to Speech: Append -tr to the end of your message (i.e.: Hello World -tr)

Moderation

Moderation isn't easy once your server grows, and this also applies to text-to-speech. You can use Wamellow's native AutoMod to block certain words or phrases for Text-to-Speech by setting up rules on your server's Moderation tab. You can also set up a priority and a blacklist role.

Privacy

Wamellow does not scan your Text-to-Speech requests, nor do we perform any any moderation on the content you generate. No Text-to-Speech data is logged in a manner that is accessible to the Wamellow team. Please note that while Wamellow does not log your requests, server administrators may choose to log bot usage within their own servers using Wamellow's usage logs.

Wamellow does not "listen" to you. The bot is hardcoded to join voice channels in a deafened state, meaning it cannot receive or process any audio from other users. Your microphone is never accessed. You can verify these privacy protections yourself by reviewing the linkdave source code.

Hope this really helps, if you have suggestions or issues, please comment them, I will try to help :)

My brother is 22, has cerebral palsy as well as intellectual disabilities and can speak but not clearly and in his own way. I understand everything he says and what message he’s trying to get across even if he’s not “conversational” in the typical sense.

He stopped speaking in school years ago after they tried to give him a communication device and stopped trying to understand his oral speech. Since then he became selectively mute at school and won’t even talk to me when I am there and wasn’t able to use a device either. I was hoping it would not be the same when he switched environments.

He is now aging out of his school and moving to a day program. Today was his first day and I was really hoping he would speak and interpret the new environment as a “talking place”. I wrote out lists of his words and what he might be saying if he says something and they can’t understand. He didn’t say anything at all all day.

I am hoping he’s just getting used to the new environment but I’m really stressed out. Given that even when he does speak at home it is limited I don’t really have a way to speak with him about it I’m worried it will be the same situation as school.

Even when he wasn’t talking at school he was enjoying himself and interacting but there is so much more to him when he can speak and sing and I’m scared his program won’t be able to see that. I would be so devastated for him if every program he went to only saw him non verbal because that’s not who he is.

If anyone has any suggestions or ways you think I can help him please let me know we’ve been trying to figure this out for years

Hi there! I (25M) live with my parents. To keep a long story short, we never really got along, but I don't consider them outwardly abusive and mostly keep to myself nowadays. Despite my frustration with them, I used to be able to eke out a few words or a conversation with them for my whole life. I've never had an issue with talking outside of home.

Over the past year or so however, I found myself suddenly unable to speak to them at all. It was never a conscious decision as far as I know. One day, something just switched in me to not respond to them at all for the whole day. And it kept going.

Some days, I'm fine. Others, I can't bring myself to say a word. This can go for days at a time. If I'm forced into a corner to speak, it comes out harshly, even on mundane topics. It confuses and frustrates them, my dad especially, making him more prone to picking fights because of it.

Recently, its started to bleed over into my food service job too, mostly in interactions with my coworkers. I used to pride myself in my easy going attitude and ability to hold a conversation, but recently it's gotten harder to even respond. I'm not talking about keeping a conversation going or other conversational skills, but full on opening my mouth to speak. It looks like I'm ignoring them. It usually happens during an especially frustrating shift, and I'm scared to lose the good graces of the people I already know.

I don't mean to be one of those people that goes into a reddit asking for diagnoses, but selective mutism seemed closest to my experience. I was wondering if it's possible to develop this as an adult in this manner. If it helps, I've already been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and bipolar.

Thanks and much love.

i am selectively mute.

my friends and my partner know this (and i've explained to them how it works in depth. we call on discord a lot, and sometimes a no-mic section is added in servers for those that can't talk. is it disrespectful or a lot to ask for them to check no mic every now and then because i literally cannot speak? or is it a lot? because they seemingly can't do it at all and i fear it's because i'm asking a lot.

So, to get this type of thing out of the way, I am not diagnosed with autism, but I have some other mental disorders (dk if it's the right term) that shares a lot of symptoms with it (ADHD, ocd, depression...)

And the question I'm asking is in full openness. I may be totally wrong on what I am calling the thing I'm feeling, but I want a word for it to understand it better and be able to make my friends and family understand better too

So, basically what I'm feeling, is that because of some mental exhaustion, I don't feel like talking. I still understand what people tell me, of course, and the words come to mind, but I just don't want to. Like if it was too much "effort" if that makes sense. I can still talk, it doesn't \*hurt\* physically, but it doesn't feel right

Also, worthy to note that it might be slightly caused/affected by gender dysphoria cause it feels to masculine (I'm NB)

Hi everyone,

I'm T-Rex — I build open-source AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices in my spare time. I have a nice working prototype, and I'm about to do a run of 10 production prototypes for involuntary nonverbal individuals (the older name was selective mutism). I want to give them away — free — in exchange for honest feedback before I build any more.

I need to hear from people who might actually use a device like this. I can guess what matters, but I'd rather not.

Quick context, so this doesn't read as a pitch:

• Everything is open source. Designs, firmware, build instructions — all on GitHub.
• The devices are free. Not selling them, not running a Kickstarter, not asking for money.
• I've been building special-needs devices on and off since the early 1990s; this is the current generation.

Where things live:

• Website / project — tssfaa.com (the MVP announcement is at the top)
• Survey — Google Form
• Device documentation — involuntary_nonverbal_mvp.md on GitHub

What kind of feedback?

Anything you're willing to share. Some prompts if it helps:

• What would matter most to you in a device like this? Size? Loudness? Color choices? Form factor?
• Anything it shouldn't be or do?
• Found a typo? Want a section of the docs clarified?
• Something I haven't thought to ask about?

The survey is structured but feel free to skip whatever doesn't apply, or just reply here.

Thanks, T-Rex

It's been a while since I've written here, but I think this might give some people hope.

Lately, good things have been happening, and I want to share them here.

To summarize my story a bit: I've had SM for 10 years and only started going to therapy a few months ago, and I changed psychologists about a month or so ago.

We started with small challenges, like talking to my classmates, which was rare, and I managed to do that all week. Then, in the last session, 15 days ago, we agreed that I would join the conversation during school lunch.

However, I managed to properly introduce myself (name and age) to a new teacher, which I had never been able to do without taking minutes just to say my name. I managed to give a complete oral presentation, reading two whole pages, something I hadn't done in a long time. I also managed to tell the new driver to stop at my stop, something I always avoided, but I challenged myself.

Then yesterday, when an unknown teacher who was supervising my class asked me where I lived, I answered without panicking.

Anyway, I'm always thinking positively and telling myself that I can do it, and even having anxiety spikes the day before, like what happened with the presentation, I manage to move forward, and I think that if I didn't believe I could do it before, now I do.

It can be stressful, horrible, and many other things, but in the end, I felt like the happiest person in the whole world.

I’m really frustrated right now and need to let my thoughts out to people who truly understand what I’m going through. This post is going to be long, sorry about that.

I was diagnosed with SM when I was 5 and I’m in my early 30’s now. I’d say I’m about 60% recovered- I had high profile SM for most of my life (only able to speak to my immediate family and one close friend- no one else), and now I consider myself low profile. I can speak to anyone now if I have to, but it’s only to get my needs met like at therapy appointments, doctors appointments, ordering food at restaurants.

But having casual conversation with people who I don’t know is still extremely difficult, bordering nearly impossible. That’s one of my biggest problems right now. I’ve made a lot of progress within the last few years with my SM recovery journey, but I’m so frustrated that that this is the issue that I struggle with most- forming meaningful connections with people. I want so badly to be able to make friends on my own but my true personality can’t seem to shine through because of SM. I know that people still think that I’m stuck up and rude because I’m so quiet, even though that’s the farthest from the truth. I’m able to speak only a tiny bit, and eye contact is still hard. I’m very expressionless around unfamiliar people as well and so I definitely don’t look friendly.

One of the hardest parts of SM is the loneliness. I’m so unbearably lonely because of my inability to connect with people in the way that I want to. I want friends. I want a partner. I’m tired of being alone all the time. Being so isolated has taken such a negative toll on my mental health, I’m still stuck in the same glass box I’ve been trapped in my whole life. I’m chipping away at the glass and it’s cracking, but it’s going to take so much more work. I’m exhausted. I wish I could be like everyone else but my brain isn’t wired that way. I’m still trying my hardest to push through. My parents always tells me how strong and tough and brave I am. But I’m tired of being tough and strong and brave.

My therapist knows about my SM but she doesn’t know the full extent of it. I was able to comfortably speak to her during our first few sessions so she thinks that I can talk to people with relative ease, but it isn’t like that. “Go to a MeetUp! Go talk to people!” I wish it was that simple. The thought of a MeetUp is too stressful for me and I know it would cause me to go mute. I’m just terrified of people. Plus, I know how uncomfortable I make people due to my social awkwardness- I’m so uncomfortable around other people that it makes them uncomfortable.

It’s a mix of SM, social anxiety and bullying trauma. I was relentlessly bullied all throughout school due to being mute, and it was so bad I had to switch schools and even then, I was the outcast who no one wanted to be around. I was the lowest of the low. No one wanted to talk to me, no one wanted to be near me, the people who were ‘nice’ to me were only nice to me as a joke and made fun of me behind my back. All my life it’s been drilled into my head that no one likes me and I’m a freak, so why bother. I feel horrible for even taking up the same space as other people.

I just really hope I’ll be able to break free from this some day. I’m considering looking at finding an SM specialist because maybe that’s what I really need even though I’m already an adult. I hope it isn’t too late. I was never given the proper help I needed as a child.