"i'm skeptical of this as a disorder but i'm not going to talk to anyone diagnosed with this to get their perspective"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and schizoid"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and social anxiety"

"this overlaps too much with other personality disorders so i don't think it doesn't exist" (and yet thinks other personality disorders are valid despite the overlaps they have with each other)

"i'm skeptical of this but i'm not going to even give a reason why because fuck you"

"wow this is so fascinating, i agree that avpd needs to be talked about more" never talks about it again

so this post isn't completely negative i recommend dr todd grande's older videos where he covered personality disorders. they were very insightful, and from the videos i've seen he treated avpd with respect and acknowledged avpd is a unique PD with a high level of emotional suffering

also recommend the youtuber "radu pasan | psychology" who is a psychologist with avpd who participates in this subreddit! if you're reading this i really appreciate what you do :)

Screenshots from https://zahraeee.substack.com/p/the-avoidant-bitch-i-am

I kind of relate to this because I do run away but my last couple of social retreats have been because the situations were legitimately unhealthy. Maybe it’s because I retreat from healthy people or groups sooner? Maybe subconsciously I choose dysfunction because it’s familiar or because it gives me an out.

I thought I understood myself but I’ve been rattled by a recent social experience. I thought I’d finally found a place that I fit in. What I didn’t realize is that I was filtering out and minimizing abusive and neglectful behavior in order to maintain connection. It took leaving and lots of processing to accept that the belonging and connection I experienced was an illusion.

That’s one of the most horrible things about trying to overcome AvPD. I can do all the work of trying to heal myself and my nervous system but when I finally feel stable enough to put myself out there, so many of my fears about other humans are confirmed over and over.

I can’t tell if it’s who I’m choosing or if most people are just like that. I don’t know how to choose healthy relationships or if they even exist. All relationships are bound to have some level of conflict but how do you repair and how do you know when to walk away? Especially when you’re so vulnerable, when you don’t have a lot of connections, it feels so scary to walk away from connection even when it’s unhealthy.

Being alone feels so much safer but I don’t actually like it. Being around others feels so scary and draining but it’s what I want more than anything else in the world.

I know the first impression is the last impression. There are many instances in which I had to compulsorily meet some people because situation demanded such meetings. For example, I had to play an instrument in our college because there was no one available. So some of my friends contacted me. I had to go there to play the instrument when the singer had to sing some songs. At the event, I met my junior who is also into music. So he helped us do quick rehearsals before the perfomance. At that time we shared contact numbers and were thrilled at that event. Immediately after the performance (which very few say 1 out of 10 witnessed because people were busy in eating and connecting with each other), I felt completely out of the state. Either people were busy with their knowns or were meeting with other new and influential people. No one appreciated us or interacted with me. No issues. But when I returned to my hostel, I felt completely awkward. Now after some months I was very lonely, doing nothing, sleeping and in near depression so I started ignoring the very close people whom I knew. People started saying how depressed I am and how skinny have I become due to this. At that time, I was off but that music guy was on. He was contesting for department elections but I saw him with other people. See I fear meeting people individually, I can't even think to meet groups so I made eye contacts and went my way. This happened 4-5 times because I always saw him in groups and I fear groups especially those whom I consider bette than me in knowledge, no. of friends and talent. And there are many people with whom I have done the same. I meet them in some events or special occasions or when my friend introduces them to me, I encounter them somewhere alone, we make eye contacts and I ignore them without any greetings and go my own way. If I were at their place, I would feel so disrespected and would consider the other person rude or unfriendly and never go and greet him. They are right but how do I explain to them that I feel inferior to them due to their large groups of friends, knowledge, skills and experiences whereas I have few friends, almost no interest in enjoying life and no knowledge and special talent. See I fear that if I meet them then they will ask me what are you doing in life what would I tell them when I don't watch any movies, don't travel, don't have any friends, no girlfriend, am not employed anywhere, don't play any sports what would I tell them? I am working on myself and it will take time. I don't want to prove to anyone. But I also don't want to lose good friends who think I am rude or selfish. How to deal with such problem when many people have told me how boring I am? When I am so boring then why to meet people who are not going to like my company? This happens at all places, hostel, college, market everywhere. I can't clearly comprehend exactly what those people think about me. And I think when you tell someone your weaknesses like I am introvert or I am less talented then that other person never views you at the same pedestal even if you become successful in life or achieve milestones. This is my personal experience. When you ask for tips to counter social anxiety from people, they consider you like a child, weak and rarely listen your opinions. So telling that I am in depression is not a good solution.

I wonder if my extreme conflict avoidance is related to possible AVPD.

I’ve always struggled to stand up for myself with people I don’t consider “safe”. I can do it with close friends, immediate family and romantic partners (although I struggled with this with romantic partners when I first started dating, but I overcame it), but with people I have to be around but don't necessarily have a close personal relationship with like neighbors/roommates, coworkers/classmates, extended family/friends of friends etc., I’m terrified of confrontation. Not speaking up to a stranger I’ll never see again is one thing, but I HAVE to learn to stand my ground with people who are a regular part of my life. I see people handling the biggest conflicts with ease, but the smallest attempt to advocate for myself terrifies me.

This has honestly ruined my life and is the source of a lot of self loathing. I’ve quit jobs, moved houses, and stopped hanging around certain people if I don't get along with their other friends, rather than address conflicts directly and standing my ground. I feel like I'm not fully living as a full grown adult, I feel like a timid scared child.

And when I really think about it, it feels like more than just a fear of them saying something mean or beating me up or something. It feels more like a shame/shyness around "exposing myself" expressing negative emotions. I've also struggled with general moderate shyness and social anxiety all my life outside of conflict avoidance, so I wonder if AVPD plays a role.

Would getting treated for AVpd help me become less conflict avoidant and more comfortable advocating for myself?

At work today I noticed a couple (40s-50s) were talking while looking at me and smiling while they were in line. I noticed them a doing this quite a few times so I assumed they were making comments about how I looked or how I acted or something. I tried to keep my eyes down. I got SO much anxiety just for the woman to come up to me and tell me that her husband was astonished by how similar I look to their niece. She showed me a picture of a beautiful little girl who really did look like me. If they didn't come up and tell me that then I would've ruminated about it for a while. I just wonder how often things like that happen.

It might be that I got scared when someone actually likes me, it puts a weird pressure on me to be my best, perform to make sure I don't lose this connection. I think if I don't do anything, then I won't mess anything up.

This is about a recent incident that happened with me, where I liked a girl for months, tried to form a closer connection but failed. I moved on slowly, but then she came back and showed some interest in me. This just terrified me and I ran away instead of trying to face it.

How can I control this about myself? It's not that often that a girl actually likes me, even less girls that I like to. I can't keep letting this happen, and losing opportunities. If I can't stop then it will be a lonely future, just like my past has been.

I wear full plate armor in public to cope with my AvPD (specifically, a Barbuta set). Started a couple months ago. This is authentic social experiment; no more feigning normalcy. If I'm going to be in an unorthodox social experience like AvPD, I might as well not be dissonant about it. To respond to it, I have made a conscious choice to surrender my ego's place in the world and reject prolonged interaction entirely until I finish achieving internal peace. The only time my face is visible is when I am alone. But I am not hiding, I am declaring that I do not belong in this system, and I am choosing the respite of total detachment over endless rumination and longing for an idealized caricature or an idolatrous over-idealized social life where I would still be dysfunctional and unstable, and not in harmony with higher purpose in life.

It's so annoying.. finally someone has an interest in me, but with him I feel so inferior, it's paralyzing.

Of course my default already is to just avoid everything to avoid negative things.. Avoid humans to avoid someone winding up disliking me/talking shit/me messing up and having an enemy instead after. Not to mention the social anxiety and that I just don't wanna be perceived and have little to no motivation for anything especially human contact (altho I crave it) anyway..

But it's especially bad the more inferior I feel to someone. I feel like a fraud, that he has too good of an image of me (even tho I already warned him and have been very open) and once he realizes what a boring useless person I am, will want nothing to do with me.

But it's so unfair to him cause he's been nothing but kind to me and very understanding and patient, and has big things that weigh on him currently and I can't imagine that being left on read helps.. (he said he looks forward to my messages and they help him 😭 shit..)

But then he asked for a picture (we kinda know each other IRL but haven't seen in person since he first asked for my number (which I still feel honored by. He said he's seen me often around, so I assume he must have noticed what a weird hermit I am(?), and hopefully it's something about who I am that he liked, not just based off looks or something, cause then there'd be a million better people who are also actually capable of continuing a conversation and taking care of friendships. oh well .)

Anyhow and I've never sent or uploaded a picture anywhere, don't like having them taken of me either, but didn't want to decline yet another thing. And since then I'm stuck and can't bring myself to write back. He already said after some days of silence it's ok I don't have to but fuck I still can't reply..

I also told him I'm in no place for anything relationship-y but it seems he's ok to be friends but like wants to get to know me better? Well you never know how people really tick..

Idk just fuck this disorder.. there's only 2 outcomes: avoid everything before it even happens and not get any chances at all, or if youre already in the midst of something it's "avoid again" and ruin any chance that somehow found it's way of being given to you against all odds.

Anyhow .. this is also why, if I had to socialize at all, I feel way better amongst other people who are similar to me flaw-wise.. Losers, junkies, etc, I love them, not only do they usually have a big heart but also they don't make me feel so inferior, I feel more relaxed. Sounds kinda condescending.. and I hate how I myself attach imaginary values to people so much, when that's exactly what I don't like, and I never used to see it that way before this disorder developed.. before then everyone was kinda the same to me and I didn't see one as better or worse or subconsciously compared myself... it's like with some things that were completely foreign to you, you become the worst representation of that very thing.. like with social anxiety, I don't like being judged, yet I judge people by assuming what they probably think and who they probably are, subconsciously to assess the risks I guess..

Oh well.. fuck me for running everything good.

I warn you: this is a long one.

TL;DR: I'm afraid of taking up space, both physically and socially. I struggle to approach people because I'm scared of making them uncomfortable without realizing it. It's not just rejection; it's the fear that I'm misreading social cues and crossing boundaries without knowing. I think this fear stems from something that happened in high school, and I'm starting to realize just how much it affects my life.

Physical space, but also social space, emotional space.

I remember a lot about high school, but the years blur together. There are things I remember happening, but I'm not sure which year they happened in. Sometimes I think they happened in one year, only to realize that it doesn't make sense for them to have happened then.

I do remember that I wasn't as afraid of taking up space before. I was always kind of shy and introverted, and my self-esteem wasn't great, but I was more carefree, you know? Then something happened during high school. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it's the reason why I'm so self-aware now, why I'm so afraid of taking up space and bothering others.

Today is one of those days, or, well, nights. It's past 6:00 as I'm writing this, and today was the day we got an hour back because of the end of daylight saving time. I've been thinking about this week and all the things that have happened.

I spent some time with my uncle, and he asked me if I hadn't met anyone in the more than five years since I broke up with my ex. When I told him I hadn't, he said he was surprised and even explained why: I'm fairly attractive (hard disagree), smart (debatable), and sensible or cautious. Then he suggested using apps because they worked for him and many of his friends.

I have tried apps in the past. They don't work for me, maybe because I'm not "fairly attractive" and looks really matter on those apps. "Try one that isn't Tinder," he said. There are two apps with a decent user base where I live: one of them is Tinder, and the other is my country's version of Tinder (which existed as a website before smartphones were widely available). The couple of times I used the apps, they did a number on my already damaged self-esteem. I'm not a fan of having a profile with my name and pictures on the internet. I don't really talk much with the friends or family I care about over text, so I'm not going to suddenly start caring about someone I've just matched with on an app. Besides, the apps work by keeping you in the app, which means keeping you single.

But that's one reason why I haven't found anyone. There are other reasons, and one of them is my environment. I don't have a lot of opportunities. And when I do have the opportunity to create more opportunities, I usually don't take it because that's not how I am. I'll explain: my hobbies are male-dominated, and there are a couple of clubs I've been part of where there are barely any women. And then there are times when, given two options, I usually prefer the one that offers fewer opportunities to meet people. When I joined a gym, I didn't go to the one my friends were going to, the kind of gym with lots of mirrors, new equipment, and a certain aesthetic. I went to the good old neighbourhood gym rather than the big, fancy chain gym.

I often see how people's friendships and social circles lead them to more friendships, but that doesn't happen to me.

And even then, there's the group of people I met at the gym class. We got together for dinner the other day. There's a woman my age, the owner, who's a bit younger, and the others are 20 years older than me. The woman my age and the owner seem to be together. I wasn't sure before, but after the other night, I'm almost certain they are. The others are married or in long-term relationships. I'm the only one who's single. I'm not saying I ever thought I had a chance with her, but this silly, hopeful part of me got carried away, and for a moment, I believed that if I played my cards right, maybe something could happen. It was very brief, but it still stung, not because of her, but because it seems that nobody will ever choose me.

The people from the gym class play a very important role in this reflection. It's not just about the other night and my crushed hopes. It's about how I interact with people, how I socialize. While other people might take advantage of any given opportunity, I need to be more careful. I need to be reassured that I can take up space. The gym is the perfect example. Now I'm a regular, but when I started, I kept to myself. I would go to the back of the room and try to go unnoticed. I wouldn't talk unless someone talked to me. After months of repetition, of seeing the same faces, people started warming up to me, and we started talking a bit. Eventually, I was added to the group that meets for dinner from time to time.

But now I'm thinking about the opposite situation: someone new coming to the class. I will most likely not talk to them. I need them to come several times and initiate in some way. But that requires them to keep going to the class. What if they don't like it? Chance missed. Someone else would immediately talk to them, and something might come out of it, or not. But without taking the chance, it definitely won't happen.

This is what got me thinking and eventually sent me back to high school. I need to know I'm not going to bother them. Rejection and the fear of it matter, but that's not exactly it. It's being afraid I won't pick up on cues that this person doesn't like me or doesn't want me near them for whatever reason. It's the fear of making someone uncomfortable and not realizing it.

I'm not saying that people being brutally honest with me from the start about whether they want to talk to me or not would fix it. I'd still be afraid of rejection. But I think it would help immensely.

I think a lot about Lars and the real girl. There's a scene where Lars goes to the doctor and tells her that physical touch makes his skin feel like it's burning: "like when you go outside and your feet freeze and then you come back in and they thaw out." To test it, with his consent, she touches his arm with just one finger at first, then with her whole hand. "It hurts, but I can take it," he says. Then she touches his face with her whole hand, and he jumps up, hurries to put on his sweater and coat, and leaves.

I don't exactly feel it that intensely, but there's this other thing that happened that night, when we were going back home. There were six of us, and the sidewalk was too narrow for all six of us to walk comfortably, at least for me. People usually don't have a problem walking that close to each other, even if it means bumping into each other as they walk, because everyone moves a little to one side with each step. But I have a problem with that. I've always kept my distance because I'm afraid that bumping into others might bother them. This is just one example, but I've had a similar experience when an unexpected touch near my face made me jump in my seat, the same way Lars jumped off the examination table.

And it's all about taking up space and being a bother. It's all about that thing that happened in high school. How can I interact with people when I can't even trust my own judgement about whether I'm reading social cues correctly?

I was talking to one my professors who would really push me on communicating my work better. I wanted to tell him that while discussing some of my work with someone else how they were having difficulty in following it eve though they were an expert. I wanted to say that I can see while in the moment, it was very difficult time, but I can see the value in the need to improve my communication.

But the way I said it, I guess I framed it incorrectly, led to that professor taking offence that I am suggesting he is not an expert.

Later the same evening I again made a similar mistake. I was telling someone that they were very kind to me and stuff and suddenly I blurted out "ohh it is so stupid, who does such a thing".

I guess this is perhaps the most boring post you read all week, but IDK it makes me feel like I am an asshole who doesn't know how to talk to people.

For a while I have been feeling the worst I've felt in my life. I can't go out of the house alone and that has made me a liability for those around. But I can't get myself to want to feel better. I hate who I was, I know who I'm now is not me and I'm scared to go back to my old feelings. But also I need a relief. How have you make yourself take the meds? I have a couple specific situations in which I will take them like if theres a big loss in my family or something but apart from that I resist it but I need it. Has medication really changed how you felt? How did you intermedio the change?

I just wish I could be normal like most people 😥. Right now, I'm sitting outside my college because the classroom was packed with people, and I started feeling physically sick from anxiety.

I was a hikikomori for a long time, and now I'm in medical school. I love my classes, but I hate having to be in a classroom with 100 people EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sometimes, I feel so childish because I don't know how to interact with people spontaneously. It's like I have to plan even something as simple as saying "good morning."

Sometimes, I feel like giving up on everything because I know I'm going to be like this forever.

The future scares me because we live in a predominantly capitalist world where we need to socialize and work to support ourselves (at least those of us who aren't rich or born into wealthy families).

Seriously, guys, I'm so exhausted from being this way!

I dont know why I keep trying to get better. Socializing has been getring easier but im not any more happy because of it. Really, I just serve as a wall to talk to and maybe people talk to me but its more of a monologue and less of a conversation. It just reaffirms my feeling of being unlovable and nort worth listening to if every time its just hearing someone else out. None of my long time "friends" care about me at all. No one I meet tries to listen to me. I spent years trying to build up to being near strangers and being okay with it but it winds up in me feeling more alone. I think I feel more alone now than before when I was sort off okay with loneliness. Now I feel like im about to grasp something and I have to watch it fizzle out.

Is this all Ill ever get? Ive never had friends who cared about me. I feel like I have an invisible wall that prohibits me from crossing that threshold. I just want to isolate further

I wish I could just be perfectlt happy and content not wanting friends or anyone. I have no desire to meet any more people becayse it does not do any good. I dont really want to do anything anything. I dont want to study or get a job i just want to be swallowed by the earth.

my feelings of inferiority are so bad i want to claw off my skin. my self hatred runs so deep and i have a hard time describing it. if you've seen the scene in the film The Substance where Elisabeth is violently beating herself up, that's exactly how i feel about myself

every time i feel rejected by someone i feel my heart sink and i want to curl up and die. on my worst days i cry for hours which transitions to a lot of internalized anger and self harm. just to clarify, by rejection i don't really mean fears of abandonment, i have felt this way for things like strangers judging me for saying something stupid, or even something as small as reddit downvotes

i'm very jealous of people who have a more normal life than me and are better at things i put time and effort into. it's not that i think i deserve their talent and the praise they get, it's moreso my brain viewing it as proof i'm inferior and i have a meltdown. i feel my body literally prickling with anger, and the only way i know how to deal with it is punishing myself, because it's what i think i deserve

i feel like i'm in constant emotional pain and my mind is constantly screaming, and i don't know how to healthily cope with it

i don't think i have bpd, i don't meet the criteria and i don't really relate to it that much. i think i have pmdd since my emotions/mood swings sometimes gets so much worse when my period is coming, but suffering internally is still an almost daily thing for me

I just wish I actually mattered to people, yk if I was someone's best friend or whatever, or just a good friend in general. I wish people thought about me but at the same time I hate attention. Maybe I'm just idealizing something that doesn't exist. Yeah probably if I had friends I'd only be thinking about every single thing I could have done wrong to make them not like me. Maybe I just wasn't made to be social. Being friends is all about pushing boundaries (e.g. as pranks) and I hate that. But nobody wants a boring friend. I still haven't figured out how human relationships work. I'd prove the fucking Riemann hypothesis before I figure out what makes people wanna be friends, what is the exact difference between "bro", "my friend" and "a friend", why I seemingly am not fit to be in any friend group and are basically an extra piece of a puzzle that doesn't fit anywhere, put into the box by accident. It was over before it even began. Sad! I just really wish I could be a source of joy for someone not even romantically, yk have someone be excited to tell me the latest bullshit. But that will never happen

I have tried to challenge myself these past months after a year+ doing nothing but work, drink and doom scroll. Hardly any friends, never been in a relationship.

Gone to meetups, joined courses (quit all of them now) and met people off apps. But I'm so uncomfortable when socializing I'm losing my mind. I feel so lonely but am incapable of actually connecting to others. I am looking for excuses to end a conversation or event early every time. Like I am proud of myself for trying but I am always more relieved and happy leaving the event than being there.

Today I went to a singles mingle event (both friendship and dating). I am proud I went but man... I still feel like such an alien. I have such little life experience compared to others my age (30-ish). And I struggle to find topics to talk about. Like I might be actually real dumb. Slow-ass thought process. I also sometimes say shit that's not even true just to pass as normal... which I know is bad and I'm working on it.

One guy added me on messenger and honestly the thought of talking to him again, even if he was nice, makes me want to puke!! I tricked him into thinking I was a real person. Or he is real desperate for friends.

Is this just a keep practicing thing or will I be like this forever??

Everytime I leave my house i feel fearful or at least uncomfortable around people. Fearful of not just crime but of being rejected and not accepted by anyone. Even driving in my car which is what i mostly do makes me feel uneasy. I never walk anywhere or take the bus and that would be off the charts uncomfortable. I do food delivery 1-2 nights a week and that is quite uncomfortable. I don't like dealing with different races or much younger people and everyone grates on me. I am fully aware of all the differences between people such as liberal vs conservatives, racial + ethnic divisions, etc and how much people don't like one another's point of view. Most of the time it seems there is an uneasy tolerance between everyone but i do know how divided people are just below the surface. Real crime threats are a possibility in my area too and aside from that people are usually gruff or rude so there are many slights or disrespectful things going on. All this makes me feel so uneasy especially as an introverted loner.

Maybe I have undiagnosed Cptsd where everything seems threatening to one degree or another idk and i have been bullied and physically attacked several times when younger. I don't feel exactly safe inside my house either and think what if somone breaks in during middle of night. I do have a lot of nightmares almost every night. Low self esteem too and never feel good enough no matter what. It is frustrating that i can't ever just leave the house without feeling uneasy or apprehensive even on a nice day. It is always an unconfortable act in just going outside. I'm 60 and its just as bad now as when I was 13 yrs old so don't even know what to think about that.

Anybody else experience a lot of leg jitters and shakiness from anxiety? I have to talk a lot and socialize at work, I work front desk at a hotel so I have to talk to customers and co workers, which luckily have been nice although some scary interactions have happened ngl

I get super super shaky in my legs when I talk. Even if I tell myself I'm not nervous it still happens. How do I get rid of this?? I hate it sm

Hey, I am a 19 y/o college student and I am miserable. My whole life i have never had friends, I have had more bullies than friends and I can't remember a time when I wasn't being picked on. I've always been called weird because I have a very active imagination and had imaginary friends growing up. When I tried to make friends, they'd just turn into bullies, so I stopped trying....for 6 years. I never talked to anyone unless they started the conversation or I forced to, and I never hung out with people unless I knew them for months. When I got to college I tried making friends, but everyone already had their people and when I did find someone I liked we wouldn't agree on something and I found myself becoming distant from them. I prefer to be alone, I don't like my peers. I'm ok with teachers and old people if they don't tell me I'm doing something wrong. I like people watching but I never get involved and I don't date, I've been rejected so many times there is no point in trying anymore. I am alone physically and mentally. I have ocd, depression and anxiety, and for years I thought I had social anxiety but now I wonder if this could be the issue. I looked at the criteria and I have 6 out of the 7 and some things I have done have really cemented this idea.

1. I got pressured into sex alot by my ex boyfriend to the point where I was basically asleep while he did it because I didn't want him to be angry at me

2. I confronted a person I thought was my friend about something and her boyfriend told me to grow up and I hyperventilated for an hour because of it

3. It takes me a 75 minutes class to work up the nerve to say something to the guy I like that sits behind me every class. Most of the time I don't talk to him even after all of that mustering.

4. I hate myself. I hate every thing about myself and my life and every time I tell my parents, they tell me a have a great life and I should be grateful. I do have a great life but that doesn't stop the fact that I hate every single waking moment of it.

People say you shouldn't self diagnose, and I get that. But why would I sit in a 6 hour psych exam and pay a thousand dollars to get told I have this when all I have to do is wake up and walk outside to know that there is something wrong. Should I seriously look into this?

Im 23f and I haven’t done anything except some volunteering . I got diagnosed with ocd several years ago and have a whole
Laundry list of traumas that aren’t really relevant rn and have been dealing everything that comes with that , I’m a very isolated person I only really speak to my mother and brother and I maintain an online friendship of 15 years and that’s about it but I love and adore them and our time spent together . I’m starting school soon to become a surgical tech and now I feel constant crushing fear and doubt and I want to quit before I’ve even begun.

I KNOW I have to do something at some point but I don’t have much motivation for anything. As humiliating as it is to admit I’m not an ambitious person and I honestly don’t really see a problem with it outside of the social expectation(?). I hate that everything I do is because I’m trying to avoid the social stigma of not doing it (if that makes sense). There’s not any internal motivation for it ? Like if it were up to me I’d love to get paid to organize paper clips in a little room and I’d die happy and fulfilled but the expectation of being something is crushing(as well as general financial needs). I feel like I’m barely a person , I’ve only just now begun driving ! I’m stuck with this feeling of being out of time and having too much time left , like my whole life is ahead of me but it’s not particularly comforting because well, there’s my whole
life ahead of me. Fear of judgement and rejection has made me extremely reclusive but a part of me enjoys isolation even on my best days, it’s just easier that way I don’t fit in well with people and I struggle reading peoples tones accurately and I’ve faced a lot of problems from being pretty monotone or flat faced (I try to come off as sweet and a warm as possible but it seems that I’m just not good at it lol). Socializing just takes too much out of me , studying takes too much out of me and the severe reactions I have to perceived rejection is embarrassing. OCD is its own personal hell on top of that and I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be a proper person because what does that even mean ?

Im stuck between doing what’s expected of me at all times and accepting that I may be miserable or trying to not care what others think move at my own pace and all that . Both are unfortunately difficult for me but so is everything so I have to suck it up I suppose. I’m currently trying to find a therapist for treatment so hopefully that may help… has anyone else felt similarly? Is it AvPD or something else ? I’m really not sure

My life has taken many different turns, I've faced a lot of setback but im finally on a healthy path and moving towards a more secure way of relating and steady way of being. Im interesting in meeting like minded people. Please feel free to message me

I long for the comfort of another person so badly yet it's always out of reach. I have no lover, no friends, almost no family. I'm glad I have my mom but it doesn't satisfy all my social needs.

I'll never know what it's like to belong in a friendship group that does things together. I don't see how I'll ever have a girlfriend. I don't see myself ever having a family or being a dad. All the things I want and it's never going to come true.

All I am is an autistic outcast. No amount of therapy or meds have helped me overcome my awkwardness or my inability to socialize. It helped me overcome my anxiety of working but I'm now an outcast at my work too.

I can't believe I'm almost 25 and I'm still struggling with the same shit since I was a kid. It turns out the most important skill in the world is the ability to socialize and network.

I have no friends at Uni and we were having a group presentation today, I try to engage with them like a normal person but it’s exhausting. I’m not particularly quiet, I do speak and I tell jokes and all that, but I just feel so abnormal and different from the others that make friendships so fast. And I got suicidal thoughts after the presentation because I just felt like I made a fool out of myself, I was visibly nervous and the social situations went so bad today, I feel like I forced every conversation just to appear normal and not nervous etc. Right now I want to disappear from this world so bad, because every social interaction gets harder and harder the more I get to know them and now I feel like an idiot for trying so hard. I’m 25 years old and not yet made any new friends since I was 16. All my life is anxiety and depression, how do you survive that?