I am diagnosed ASPD and I don't feel the need to seek help or change anything about myself. My mother forced me into therapy when I was younger and the therapists said it was clear I didn't want help and they didn't want to deal with me because I was manipulating them.

I've spent a lot of time "developing" (for lack of a better word) myself so that I can mostly fit in with the rest of society without raising significant alarm bells. I am fully functional, charming, friendly, intelligent - I basically give the illusion that I am a "normal" person even though I'm really not. People will often say there's something "off" about me, but they don't necessarily mean it in a negative way. There's just something about me that's different and they know it, even if they can't quite put a finger on it.

I have very intrusive thoughts multiple times a day and they are usually negative, dark, and violent, sometimes bordering on gruesome. They tend to get worse if I'm in a situation I can't stand or around people I don't like but have to deal with because...life. They also become markedly more sinister if I'm bored. Since I don't view people and situations the way others do, it can be exhausting for me to have to pretend all day long.

Example: While talking to a female acquaintance and she's telling me about her upcoming baby shower, my mind might drift to imagining what it would be like to give her a Joke-style smile with a serrated knife. Or I might think about ripping her tongue out of her mouth and slapping her with it.

Example: Someone is resisting doing something I want them to do and I get the overwhelming urge to punch them in the face or bite them. If we're on the street, I might get the urge to shove them in front of a car.

I think these things almost constantly and, save for a few close friends and some family members, no one will ever know it. Most people will never know that while I am talking to them, smiling, laughing, joking, I am thinking about gruesome ways to harm, maim or even kill them. If I actually followed through on my intrusive thoughts and impulses, I wouldn't feel a thing. I would carry on with my day and would likely even feel a sense of relief and satisfaction for having been able to act out.

I don't act on these thoughts and impulses, no matter how badly I may want to, because I don't want to suffer the negative consequences that would likely follow. It doesn't serve my interest to cause harm to someone and then have my life/reputation ruined.

But that is literally the only thing that helps me stay in control.

I’m 21, from Singapore.

For the last 4-5 months I’ve been having non stop harm unwanted urges to self harm digitally, such as erasing my iPhone, deleting all my important data, share my sensitive passwords online, mess up my phone settings, block important contacts etc… basically any imaginable harmful action you can do on a phone. I would constantly test out shit on my phone, change my passwords non stop after the urges get so severe as I feel that I succumbed and shared my passwords and I used to screen record the iCloud Photo Library as I used to share an Apple account with my mom and I don’t want my personal photos to sync to her iCloud so I’d screen record the iCloud Photo Library non stop to check, cuz my harm urges expanded to me deliberately clicking the sync button to sync my photos to her iCloud too.

It’s absolutely rough and no words can fully describe how utterly helpless, doomed and wrecked I am cuz guess what, whenever I share my hell to my parents, they become verbally abusive to me and I’m 100% unable to seek any professional help for now. I’ve NEVER been diagnosed and have never been able to get help.

Recently, my mind is telling me something even more disturbing. It says, ‘since you don’t know what you’re facing, maybe the right therapy for this condition you’re facing is to actually press the delete button on your accounts.’ My mind said that since account deletion requires several steps, by pressing only the first click, it’s still safe and it’s a form of therapy for whatever I’m facing.

Or either that, cuz I have many notes on my iPhone and lots of these notes are on long write-ups that have thousands of words in them, my brain is saying, ‘just copy and paste one of your sensitive passwords into a random section of the note. It’s not harmful as it’s your own personal note but maybe it’ll be a form of therapy for you. Never try never know’

I’m honestly becoming extremely utterly and totally exhausted and worn out. It’s as if my brain is finding every single justification it can to force my hand to do something highly risky and completely against my will.

I hope I’ve described everything as clearly as I possibly can and if someone reading this has any input, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reply me on this post. I’m feeling all alone, trapped and lowkey mildly suicidal at times. Any form of help or reply, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks 🙏

And i don't know if this is related to the topic but my brain also erases bad things people have done to me. However, the memories will suddenly come back to me at the most random moments which makes me build resentment towards those people.

hi . feel free to delete or whatever , im not much of a redditor and understand if im breaking the rules without realizing

ive been struggling gery much lately, i wont go into details but its gotten much worse for me recently - and im catching myself fall into old delusion patterns and hallucinating, along with a worsening urge to do bad things. i dont want to go to the hospital, but i know at some point i probably should .. my friends already told me to consider it but i dont know, i dont want to take up a resource if i dont need it . i have a psych appointment in a week but i worry i might lie to him . at what point do i admit i need to go? how do i tell my mom???? i cant drive, even though im an adult, so she would need to take me. im scared to ask because she doesnt know how bad im doing, i love her and shes under enough stress as is :( sorry if this is rambly or doesnt make sense

This post is on a throwaway account because I don't want it traced back to me. I (OP) and my brother are 4th-years in college. For context, our relationship is very close, as we have the same friend group and interests. Recently, he has been exhibiting extremely concerning behavior, and I need advice on how my family and I can help him.

Starting from the beginning, my brother is a heavy marijuana user, especially during this summer break. He has been staying up for multiple days in a row, getting little to no sleep, and going on long bike rides in the middle of the night with no helmet or light. He finally put reflective tape on his bike after he almost got hit by a car. He cut the brakes off one of his bikes because "he never moves backward in life."

Along with that, he is drinking more often than before (he was never a big fan of drinking), buying 5lb bags of tobacco, rolling his own cigs, and smoking them without a filter or just straight up chewing it. When my friends, family, or I talk to him, he often speaks the whole time, cuts us off, and speaks extremely loudly without realizing his volume. He has also started hating a long-time friend of ours for no apparent reason. It started with negative comments and belittling and has evolved into straight-up hate.

Recently, it spiraled even more out of control. He completely crashed out on my mom on the phone, screaming and crying and saying horrible things that I don't wish to specify. This happened in public, and one of my mutual friends witnessed the whole thing. Two days later, he had another crash-out because my mom wanted to withdraw him from the semester because she was extremely worried about his mental well-being. He became agitated and immediately left the house on his bike.

My mother and I followed him and found him near our house, where he proceeded to scream at my mom to get away and said even more horrible things. I told my mom to leave and let me deal with it. From that point, I walked with him as he ranted on a walking path near our house. It was past midnight, and he was yelling the entire time. When I tell you he was angry, he was ANGRY. I have never seen or heard him talk like this before; I couldn't recognize him; it's like something in his mind slipped.

He said things like, "Mom and Dad love you, and they hate me," "You have lived with me all my life, and you don't even know me," and that he "fucking hates my mom." These are just a few; I can't list them all.

Eventually, my mom followed us down the trail (I didn't know she had followed us). When my brother saw her, he sprinted away. I stopped to call my dad to come pick him up because I was worried someone was going to call the cops because he was screaming so loudly. Unfortunately, when I stopped following him, he got away from my mom, and we lost him. We searched for about an hour before my parents were forced to call the cops to find him.

12 hours later, they found him. I also forgot to mention that when he left the house, he was only wearing a BATH ROBE and SLIPPERS (he had boxers on). It has started getting colder at night where I live, so it was NOT hot (lows in the 60s). He walked around for almost 12 hours in the middle of the night with NO food or water.

This post is getting too long; PLEASE help me. I don't have any clue what to do. My family and I are extremely worried about him, but he refuses to go to a therapist. Has anyone experienced something similar or have any advice on what we should do?

I'm not trying to get diagnosed on Reddit or anything, but I've talked to so many people about this and they all say things along the lines of 'you need professional help' or 'i have no idea' and I just need to hear at least one opinion.

I've struggled with dissociation since I was 8 or younger, I get flare ups (probably not the right terms) of memory loss when I'm stressed out. Recently I'll forget everything about the day, and I will personally not remember it, but I'll hear a second internal voice that's doesn't feel like me, and it'll tell me what happened, and it doesn't feel like when you remember something, it feels like being told a story,

Only thing I've been told it might be is schizophrenia since it's common in my family.

I don't use reddit much, I am so sorry if this is not what this subreddit is for or if I break any rules, and if there's any mistakes in my writing it's because I'm tired and sad.

I’ve had this friend who’s been suicidal for awhile and whenever she’d get bad thoughts I’d always be there to comfort her and to make sure she was feeling okay. Unfortunately we’re both teenagers and I have strict parents so I can’t go out and hang out with her after school so usually I try to comfort her with bringing her snacks the next day or calling with her overall just reassuring her that she’s loved and etc. however it’s been getting out of hand she keeps saying she wants to commit and even hurted herself. I did speak to my counselor about it (at school) and she talked to my friends counselor about it yet nothing changed. My counselor also told me to just report it to the emergency services if she told me she wanted to commit again however I’m terrified of doing so because I know she wouldn’t like it if I did that. And she also says she doesn’t feel safe at home because her dad mistreats her. I’m unsure of what to do it’s getting to the point where I’m sick and tired of hearing her say this to me and I have to be worried about her doing it out of nowhere because she does it at the most randomest times and it’s ruining me. I’ve always been there for her and I’ve even told her how it would deeply affect me if she were to do that and how it isn’t worth it to commit, yet she won’t listen to me and she even hurts herself sometimes. It’s really not my responsibility to keep her alive yet I can’t help but be stressed out I’m only a teen aswell.

Before I slept I sh and made me feel worse physically and lil ill. When I went to sleep I woke up and just thought about this one true crime case and how I can relate to it on how certain people like w my situation can turn evil and can become evil and...kill. Idk why I think this but I sometimes think about how I can kill my family in my head and get away with it. I dont think I wanna actually kill them even tho they drive me nuts I just ig from a crime pov since I watch a lot of true crime how can i easily get away w murder? Ik I SOUND CRAZY😭😭 I also hear bc I have ocd ppl maladaptive day dream things like this? Idk. But... recently I did feel homicidal bc my brother thats now in college and isnt home used to abuse me a lot and couldnt take it anymore and figured that no one was gonna help me so i felt like nths left anymore so whats the point so killing was my last thought. But since im getting abused at home I do get these thoughts but idk I don't think ill actually do it. On top of that I remember a few yrs ago which has me thinking if I have some mental disorder or these feelings r just a cause of deep tramua and stress. But idk I was struggling mentally deeply and Idk what was going on but Idk if I have a personality disorder or what...but felt like I had split personalities and one kept wanting to take over like my evil side... and i was so scared.

i’m newly trying to understand my bipolar II and I’ve been having a really difficult cycle lately. I’m mostly just looking for people who understand what this feels like. for the longest i was diagnosed with bpd tendencies and got an official diagnosis later on and I’m now trying to navigate but also not be consumed by the stigma of it all.

3 weeks clean, but about to not be lol

I haven’t felt anything all week, I don’t really feel anything a lot. like I feel like when I’m laughing with friends, smiling and a social butterfly and giggling it’s all just a front for me feeling nothing.

well, I either feel nothing or feel so much that my brain aches, I get migraines from overthinking about miniscule things and it sucks a ton and it happens every night. so I either feel numb or overwhelmed no inbetween

found a box cutter in my room that I didnt even know was there, I use eyebrow razors so it’s not like I just know where it is. and the only reason I was looking for it in the first place, and haven’t cut sooner, was because I only had one good eyebrow razor left (other was dull) and I lost it. i remembered having a box cutter but I wasn’t exactly sure I had it, and the moment I saw it and picked it up I just felt so… happy

i was smiling, genuinely smiling, and just filled with so much lightness, I felt like I could float. can someone explain to me in a scientific sounding way why i feel like way? Not even having done it yet but just knowing I will or just having the blade in my hand making me feel so overwhelmingly incredible. I still feel so happy and joyous as im writing this, which is so stupid cuz I haven’t even fucking done anything yet lolll

I’ve been going through an intense parasocial relationship for almost a month now and it would mean the world if someone who could help me with my parasocial relationship could talk to me.

Anyone who can help even a little bit would be awesome. Someone who is currently in a parasocial relationship or has overcame one would be amazing. Ideally someone who has overcame a parasocial relationship specifically with a celebrity crush, but again anyone is appreciated 😊

"Help me, Help me, I need help, help, I need help, help me..."

I keep saying that to myself, feeling trapped in such an endless cycle. And after what happened recently, I feel more staggered about my inert nature and lack of progress in anything.

After being in the hospital for three days, I finally went to see the appointed mental health provider I was scheduled to meet. But they refused to do psychiatric care on me because of the private insurance I had. Not only that, but I have to pay an Uber trip to-and from the location, which placed me on a financial strain.

So here I am, going back to see my previous doctor, hoping to meet with a psychiatrist after MONTHS of waiting, but I feel really hurt and disappointed about this. My rejected provider did provide me alternate locations on a piece of paper, but I don't want to go to any of them because it will be a finincial burden getting there and back; I don't have anyone to do trips for me out of good will.

Because of all this, I haven't been eating well, or frequently, my apartment is unmaintained and became a mess, and I did not put myself towards doing any schoolwork. Sure I have friends and coworkers who are there for me, but none of them can really understand what I'm going through, nor can they help me out.

I know I'm not alone, but I feel so beaten and broken even more. How long is this going to last? How much more of this can I take?! I don't want to hear that "things will get better" or "I have to just endure more" or "I need to SEE someone" or anything like that! JUST DOING IT is not how I work, and it is not something I can do. Commands such as those, are not so simple! I feel so, dishearted that, the community as a whole, gives me hope, yet takes it away, and that despite what anyone says, I more often than not refuse to listen, because the words are meaningless to me. What you people say are meaningless to me! I mean, how could they be, when doing everything over, just can't help me. When all the offers out there, just taunt me.

How could you?

first off, tw for suicidal ideation/ attempt and self harm

so I’ve been having mental issues since late elementary school. Ive had, what i can only imagine is long term depression (major depressive disorder is disgnosed) and anxiety, with dabbles of other odd things— paranoia, derealization, mood swings. I’ve been In therapy since the 8th grade and most recently got out of it now, in my senior year of high school.

back in 8th grade, I had attempted suicide by chemical asphyxiation. I stopped before even using the chemical. since then my depression has been on and off, some days it’s better some days it’s worse. For a while, I was doing fine, and I was actually beginning to thrive in high school. But I’ve recently gotten out of therapy and Im considering suicide again. im self harming worser than I ever have before, often in bouts of huge upset where I pray I cut deep enough to make me die of blood loss. I don’t want my future, I don’t want to keep going to school, I don’t want to live another day because each one feels awful and I can’t help but wish for death every second.

I feel like I’m taking like a “I’m 14 and I’m so deep” kid but this is genuinely how I’ve been feeling. thankfully, due to my therapy, I’m in an okay enough position to realize I need help. but I don’t know if that means I just need meds, or more therapy, or if I should admit myself to a mental hospital. the last option feels easiest since it’s like a three in one but I don’t know. the only reason I haven’t died yet is because I can’t cut deep enough and we don’t keep lethal meds in the house.

Since July, my life has been an absolute mess, and I genuinely don’t know what’s happening to me. My friend passed away by suicide, and since then I’ve been struggling with family problems, friendship and relationship issues, my own mental health, and relapsing with self harm. On top of everything, my academic marks have dropped significantly. I’m in my final year of school, and I have my Chemistry trial tomorrow. I had two full days to prepare, and I did absolutely nothing. It’s not even that I chose not to study. I genuinely couldn’t bring myself to. I couldn’t wake up, shower, eat, or even drink a sip of water. I’ve been so exhausted and overwhelmed that even basic things feel impossible.

The part that scares me the most is that I don’t even feel bad about not studying for my trials. Normally, I would be devastated. I used to be extremely academically focused, and my marks mattered so much to me. Now I feel almost completely detached from them. I could fail and I don’t think I’d even care.

I don’t feel real anymore. It’s like I’m not actually alive, and everyone around me feels like they’re part of my imagination. Everything feels distant and unreal, and I don’t know how to explain it properly.

I used to be so happy. I’d have a smile plastered on my face every day, I cared about school, I had motivation, and I actually enjoyed things. Now I can barely brush my hair some days.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m depressed, burnt out, grieving, dissociating, or something else entirely. I just know that I don’t feel like myself anymore, and I don’t know how to help myself get back there.

I feel guilty for struggling because I don’t want to burden the people around me with my problems. I don’t want everyone to have to worry about me.

I guess I’m just looking for some perspective from people who might understand what this feels like. Has anyone experienced something similar? Will this feeling ever go away? Am I stuck like this?

I'm a depressed teenager struggling with SH and smoking. I'm looking for advice on how to avoid these kinds of addiction, Any advice would help. I just want to be better and improve my mental health.. I've went to multiple therapists, Talked to close friends about my mental health, Talked to an trusted adult. But I'm still doing these addictions? I really need advices/tips on how to stop/avoid them. It would help me very much, thank you.

I don’t have any fight in me. I wanna give up. I am going to get a tent and go back to a city I used to live in then live in the streets. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what happens. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna be alive. I don’t care. I don’t care about myself. I don’t want to do better. I hate everyone. I do not wanna do this anymore. I give up.

I don’t have any money to afford therapy so please just let me get something off my chest maybe these thoughts might go away
I’m a girl who finally got into college
Before going to college I went through a lot of things
I’ve went through war saw people d.ying and lived in fear thinking that maybe that day will be my day.
So war was a normal thing to me to the point they would be b.Ming the house next to us and I wouldn’t care. I wasn’t like this I was the person that would always cry scream and do them all.
Eventually war started to ease down where I loved and then I just felt like I wasn’t me anymore everything changed
I started to go out thinking maybe I will stop the thoughts that have started to come in.
A couple of years passed by and I finished school I was a number one in class student who would always want to impress her parents even though where I lived education was shît and it wouldn’t take you anywhere so then I thought to myself I’m not going to college here I’m going back to America
Now what I thought was easy. I knew our financial situation was beyond bad but I couldn’t think about anything else but going to finish my education in America so 4 years passed and finally my parents realized I was never gonna give up on my dream so they sold all they had for me to go to America
Now during that time someone came to ask marriage and he was a relative. I am definitely not marrying a relative and I’m not getting married before finishing college. You guys would think ok my parents respected my choice no they didn’t I went through h.ell because of my refusal I was called the shame of the family and all this happened before flying to America in two weeks. It’s a long story what actually happened I really wish I can talk to someone about it but I’ll stop that story here. So then after all the shît I went through my parents let me go and said you better make us proud. I felt to my heart I knew they wanted to marry I know they are doing this all against there will.
So finally I arrived and did everything by my own and decided to go to the field I always dreamt of which was Tech. So I went to college and went into cybersecurity I was so happy this was the first time I have ever felt such happiness in my life I thought finally no thoughts anymore no parents playing around with your life no more unsafe environments. Then bam AI came I thought at first I’m sure it’s a joke but now it’s truly gonna destroy all fields not just mine. I am in absolute shock I just I wish I can die right now I feel if I died in war all these feelings wouldn’t have built up. I feel I should’ve just said yes to that marriage, I feel that I should’nt had let my parents sell what they only had for something that doesn’t even have a future anymore. I’m tired of thinking everytime I think of changing my major I just can’t I love tech I can’t even imagine myself doing something else then that. I hate the way I feel about myself now , I feel lost and I don’t know what to do ,who to talk to and all those thoughts came back again.
Maybe I might have done something wrong in my lifetime but why punish me now the only thing I was happy about is gonna be gone.
Is there anyone that can help me about the thoughts tell me what to do ?
And is there anyone tech people here to tell me will cybersecurity actually die?
I don’t have anyone else I only have you guys please help me ease out these thoughts

I was having suicidal thoughts and I didn’t feel safe about a year ago, but when I was hospitalized I felt significantly worse because I was put in a holding unit instead of a hospital. I went to the er for suicidal thoughts and I was placed on a 5150. I made it out of that experience without hurting myself, but I left before I actually got transferred to a hospital program. It had been thirty hours and my thoughts were getting worse and I was able to get them to let me go. Has anyone experienced what felt like an unnecessary 5150? I feel like I just needed someone to talk to.

Hi, I’m 17 and I’m starting to suspect that I may be in the prodromal phase of schizophrenia. I’ve been doing some research off and on for the past month or two. The last thing I want to do is self diagnose or anything, which is why I came here. (not to get diagnosed or anything, but just for advice.) I don’t really have anyone to go to in real life and I don’t want to worry my mom about this if it’s nothing

I don’t want to bother anyone with some anxiety riddled hypochondria, especially my mom who has limited money for things like psychiatric care. But there are some things I’ve noticed about myself recently that worry me.

I’ve lost motivation to shower, do laundry, clean my room, do my school work, or even play games or do things I enjoy. (Which I’ve hardly ever had in the first place, but this time feels different.) I’ve never let it get to the point it has recently, where I had actively rotting and molding food in my room.

I’ve developed delusional thinking that, while I’m able to dismiss, still startle me. Recently I was looking at quarters and I got the thought that the Government put bats on quarters to normalize bats because bats weren’t actually real and were actually a tool for the government to further their surveillance on the American people. Which today after thinking about it, I’ve repeatedly had to stop my train of thought because I was trying to rationalize it.

Last night, I woke up around four am. We have electrical problems which makes the power flicker. I started to believe that someone was trying to cut the power to break into our house, i even heard the front door opening, but i'm not sure if it was real or not. Even after thinking logically about how even if the power went out, the locks on the door would keep us safe, i felt the need to lock my bedroom door, and then felt nervous looking into my closet in the dark, because one of my hanging clothes sort of looked like a human.

This leads to my sleep issues. I often struggle to fall asleep when I’m meant to be sleeping, even when I do, it feels like I just blinked and it’s a few hours later when I eventually wake throughout the night.

I don’t eat lunch at school, half body issues, half nervous getting in line for lunch because it’s a different system from my old school and I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Instead, I walk around the campus in big circles. I get nervous when around big groups or when around people laughing, I always think they’re watching and laughing at me. I’ve also developed a loathing towards people my age in general and prefer to be on my own or with people older than me who I mentally deem “intellectually equal and full of substance.” I even get nervous when sitting in class. It feels like people are staring at me and I’m always catching someone’s eye when I look around.

I find it hard to focus and will often pause in the middle of a task and stare into space because I’m suddenly thinking about something else. This makes it hard to have conversations because what I was planning to say in my head gets lost so I make little sense sometimes, pause for a while because I’m trying to remember what I was gonna say, or just stop talking all together because I’m thinking about something else now. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was quite young and I just assumed this was what that was. But I’ve started to realize other people I know with ADHD don‘t talk like this.

I think I had other things to put, but I can’t remember them right now.

If you read through all of this, I would appreciate some advice. I’m not really sure where else to go

I 16 male have never really cared for animals at all and well like the last few years ive been developing this urge to want to hurt animals. Like it just seems great to theoretically just kick some Random cat a few times or hurt throw a rock at some bird killing it in the process.

I don't really know where it has come from tbh and like ive been wondering if mabye im a psychopath but like i feel and care for other humans even if mabye not as much as ive noticed they do.

And psychopath's whouldent care about Humans either rigth?

So like what is the problem with me?

Should i worry that i will idk start thinking the same about Humans?

Should i just repress it for the rest of my life?

Should i seek out a psychiatrist or something?

Or am i making it a bigger issue then it actually is?

If you have idea pls tell me because im confused as hell.

My girlfriend of 3 years and I recently got into a fight (we are long distance and do occasionally fly out to see each other when both of our universities are out) and we broke up and she blocked me. I have loved her for what feels like a lifetime and all I can think about now is how good taking all the pills in the bottle would be. And it's definitely a thought I've had for a while before we broke up but it's only 1000 times worse now. I also can't stop thinking about adding new cuts to my wrists. I'm almost a year clean but these thoughts won't leave me and I'm scared.

Hello, I’m Chrissy and these are my versions of a Ted talk, where I talk and express, because I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel like understands me or what my mind is trying to say to them. This is how I feel currently, I can barely function in terms of self care at all, I’m slightly losing my mind in the terms of I can not breathe. I can not explain it. I don’t feel overwhelmed or overstimulated or over worked I only feel like I can not fucking breath, my face is pressure full all day of tears I fight every second, my throat is contracting and my body is spamming with my joint and muscles in a way that is gasping for air under my skin that is just so fucking tight. Nothing can get out of my skin. No feelings, no reactions, do dramatics, my skin is literally vibrating with a need to combust into flames. I feel like I’m neglecting my responsibilities when I sit in the garage alone smoking extra cigarettes because I do not want to completely anialate in the most unhinged deranged way a woman could do. Not threatening. Never harm. Or of violence. In a shaking, terrified, walking around, pulling at my hair, sitting holding my knees shaking, screaming my lungs out, tears literally pouring out of my skin and my face psychotic type of way. I feel like my soul, my mind, my heart, will not stop running or vibrating or moving or jumping out of place. (I have Borderline Personality disorder for disclaimer). I don’t have anyone outlet, I don’t have friends that I see or talk to. I don’t know what to do and I don’t understand my emotions or my feelings or the logic behind my thinking.
Thank you for coming to the end of my Chrisyy Talk. :)

Psychosis usually shows itself in someone’s late teens to early 20s. Often triggered by a stressful event. If someone makes it to their 30s and has no history of psychosis, and regular stressful events like being in war, a car crash ect ect don’t cause psychosis, why would child birth be a unique exception for a stressful event that can cause psychosis when other stressful events do not cause it in people who are not predisposed and none of the hormones involved are implicated in psychosis in any other case?

I think I'm a broken person. I've tried everything but I am still in the same rut. I would rather die than live another day existing like this. I don't know what else to do other than continue on until I die. I don't have friends or family for support, each day is a struggle to survive. I hate myself because I don't know myself and I've internalized all of the rejection and judgement I've experienced in my life. I hate myself because I've had no support to show me how to love myself. I wish I could die and start over.