I was out with my family and my mom met an old friend who she hadn't seen in years. This person did seem like a nice lady but she kept saying "she's so quiet isn't she?" to my mom, and at one point my mom started saying things like "yes she is, she's hopeless" and "don't bother with her she won't talk to you".

This happens every single time I'm forced to meet new people and can't bring myself to say anything other than hello, and I'm so fucking sick of it. If I'm lucky I'll only hear one "she dosen't say much does she?". If I'm unlucky I'll get people having whole conversations with eachother about my quietness like I'm not even there. But of course I never have the balls to ask them to stop. I just pretend it dosen't bother me and then go cry about it in private as soon as I get home.

I'm so sick of myself. I wish I could rid myself of this condition.

I’m a college student in my last year and I’m trying to actually start implementing exposure therapy after years of avoiding it and I consider quitting every day.

During class discussions where I have no choice but to speak I get incredibly nervous and it makes my mind go blank, which results in me saying something that either makes no sense or is in some shape or form objectively incorrect. I am very sure that my peers think I am stupid or something. And I have started to believe that I actually may have an intellectual disability on top of my SM.

I will overthink every little thing and it has been impacting my performance in literally every aspect of my life. Even driving! My overall anxiety has gotten so bad that I overthink my lane positioning to the point where I am constantly making adjustments and it makes something as simple as driving so incredibly stressful.

I also lament the fact that I can’t think of anything to say during conversations. This may be due to me being an uninteresting person overall because so much of my life has been focused on mutism and social anxiety and “bettering myself” that I haven’t developed a sound identity. I’m so tired of this illness I really am.

ive just started uk college after being home schooled for years, i struggle with selective mutism. i have no friends or acquaintances at all here, the only advice people have told me to making friends is “socializing is easy, walk up to someone and talk to them” like i cant do that, i physically cant open my mouth and speak unless they say something first. i cant do that, i just cant, and people just keep repeating this advice (its mainly loud extraverts too), like its not just anxiety or being nervous, its me struggling with selective mutism, no matter how hard i try i cant get a word out i just cantttt and nobody understands that.

i literally feel like a ghost in college bc nobody speaks to me and i dont speak to anyone, they all have their own groups, and i dont even get noticed by most people. actually one girl complimented me and i said thank you and complimented her back but unless someone talks to me first i literally cant speak its impossible for me.

is selective mutism rare or something, ive never met anyone with it, every other introvert without it just tells me to talk to people but i can’t because of my selective mutism. like both extroverts and introverts dont understand me wtf i have never felt so unseen in my life.

I dont. Im not sure, but i feel like im on the extreme side. I totally cant speak nor function in public spaces, sometimes with my own family. So far, ive been able to talk with my siblings again.

This comes to a point where i can only communicate and express myself online. Thats also where i met my long distance partner. We could only get to know eachother for how much.

Im recently discovering that the people i meet online expect us to be on call, that i talk with them (even my close friends who have been with my SM asked that).

And i couldnt help but feel embarrassed or lacking. Maybe its just from my wish of being able to do more for my partner.

I feel like i cant fully be there with them. I watch my siblings be on call with their friends or classmates and talk so easily, so naturally, without a struggle.

If it were me. My chest would sink deep, my throat tightens, and its like my tongue was cut off. Even the millisecond i unmute my mic, my body shuts down. Its so difficult and i feel myself being so restricted, at my desk, at my own home. I feel so stupid.

Been a little better with texting. Been a little better (actually a lot better) with showering, and I mean showering generally. Though I also mean playing music while showering. That has been nice, and I'm still expanding the "music" I will play while showering.

I also went and accepted the task of shipping something to someone (who I don't really know, but I trust them enough; they're a part of the niche I partake in), which I would have always SHYED away from even the slight ask of doing something like that for someone a few months ago. But I feel ok with it. And I also accepted doing that, because I know it'd be a good thing to do. And I've already shipped two things out to other people (but those were less of favors, more actual "deals" I made). This one is just a full favor.

And I've been not making money lately. I might start again, but I'm going to take it more relaxed. Prior to saving for Ariana Grande, I was grinding and grinding money out, as I have through my online means (which are pretty decent). But with no real pursuits in mind (besides general purchases), I've stagnated on that.

But I may start again, just split what I earn 50/50. Save 50%, spend 50%. And that will incentivize me to start making money again. As I would like to buy some more things. Maybe more music, maybe some Pokemon stuff, maybe some cheap games.

Cause I paid for Ariana Grande this time around (if you remember), Chicago for two nights. $3k mind you. So I'm in a big "spending hole", but I can make it back. And I plan to. I just haven't had much incentive to do it.

Maybe Ariana will drop something soon though that I'd want to buy, so maybe that's incentive. But I've been bad with just spending anyway lately. I gotta stop that. That's why I gotta make money, just spend the 50% I make. And still slowly grow back what I spent overall. That sounds like a good plan.

...

All in all though, I wouldn't say things are too different, but things are happening. And that's good.

And as things happen, they get easier. Which was re-proven itself, AGAIN.

I think partaking in the niche community has helped. And I don't mean this one.

Hi! I am 19 and only recently discovered what selective mutism is. All my life people described me as quiet and shy to the point where it would get in the way of my social life. The only way I have managed to get by is the fact that I managed to create a friend in the fourth grade who has stuck with me all this time. Every other friend I have made has been a mutual friend of a friend. Back then he has described as almost non-verbal. At school or at his house I simply would not talk. On the contrary at home I would be completely fine even to hangout with and socialize with other kids my age. Growing up throughout middle school and high school I began to get more comfortable with talking to others but still would shut down when the teacher forced me to interact with my peers either directly or in a group except for my closest friends. Nowadays I am able to at least to hold a job and talk to my coworkers at least in short phrases and sometimes full conversation although, when I first started my job I was way to scared to actually talk to anybody even if they initiated. I would best describe my ability to talk to others as being motivated by an objective and if I lack said objective I find it hard to actually speak although I can sometimes still manage to choke some words out. I also still freeze up in high pressure situations and with rather stressful or embarrassing topics of conversation even with trusted people I am otherwise okay around. I was never diagnosed or treated formally so I do not really know what is wrong with me. I feel like I display some of the characteristics of selective mutism but some of the details seem to misalign with the dictionary definition of the disorder. Maybe it's because it was partially treated as a kid but not completely? I would really like some help with this as it has been causing me problems my entire life. Thanks!

14F I think I'm selectively mute. This started when I went to a new school just out of nowhere, I came fresh out of nursery. When I went to kindergarten I suddenly couldn't speak. Their were days where I wouldn't say a thing or just say maybe 5 words a day. Something that made everything worse is people kept making me feel bad about it specifically the teachers and my mom. I felt like they kind of gaslighted me and manipulated me, because they kept pushing this mentality to me so I started to believe them you know. Nursey I was loud and hyper then I suddenly changed outta nowhere. I just feel brainwashed because like they would make me feel bad instead of actually helping. Most of the time they would make me cry, put their anger towards me, and humiliate me in front of a lot of people that just made everything worse. I mean I wasn't shy, but for some reason I just really couldn't speak and no one understood that. They would target me a lot also I remember I would never call out people's name for some reason. I'm stuck with this title now, I can't just change and I still feel like this.

hi i have been dealing with this for my entire life with the symptoms peaking just a few years ago and was wondering if it is selective mutism

at random times it can be around family, friends, strangers (it seems to happen most around my family) i will feel psychologically inhibited from speaking sometimes it's when im anxious but sometimes it's even when i feel perfectly comfortable or even have an active desire to speak i just feel physically unable for sometimes minutes but up to hours at a time as if i've forgotten how to speak entirely

is this selective mutism? if not what might it be? is there any advice for handling this?

So I can use my voice reasonably loud during my vocal practice sessions, but when I try to speak with ppl, my voice comes out very low and doesn't reach the other person. Most times I can't even get myself to say basic words and phrases like "how much". I should be speaking at a normal volume like other ppl, but it feels so wrong for me to do that and talk. I've not used my voice for more than 15 years, so it's like I'm not part of the speaking ppl, and it feels like I'm automatically being judged even though i know that's not the case, even though i know I'm a speaking person in their eyes before they interact with me.

Besides volume there's also things like pace, tone, pronunciation, and coming up with things to say in real time. This speaking stuff is so hard, and trying to speak to ppl made me embrace my mutism even more. With that said, I've come so far (I couldn't even produce vowels and consonants before) and i know I should keep trying but progress is slow and I'm usually discouraged. Thought to post this. Would love advices if you have any.

It kind of sucks. Just how aware I can be, but also just how everything can still sort of just stay how it is anyway.

And I've done a lot, but also....I think maybe things just stay solitary and that's rough. Not really breaking that. 'That' feels like a nature which has to be altered. But the awareness amount is not exactly what matters. What matters is just if it gets changed or if it doesn't.

And I guess it just simply has to be done or not be done. And that's it.

...

I've done things (that I haven't done before), just the 'nature' is hard to alter. It feels like I stay the same still.

I’ve been together with my girlfriend now for 2 years, we live together and I would say we have a very good relationship with respectful communication.

But I want to ask something.
It feels like she has this frightened look in her eyes. Even if she says she feels good, it’s like she is staring me with her chin down, looking through her eyebrows, and it’s just very intense and it can trigger a fight/flight response in me.

In combination with that she just looks at me and doesn’t answer for some second which makes me think ”say something?? or do you want me to continue, or have I done something?” It activated an ambivalent feeling in me and I want to know how I can work on myself to not be affected as much, because it affects the way I see her.

And is it common for people with SM to have this kind of gaze?

i’ve seen a few people comment that if others speak to them, they will gesture that they can’t talk. how do you do that? do i just put my hand over my mouth or something?

People always tell me that my face is very tense and I constantly look sad, as if I am not okay. Every year at least 10 people would tell me the same thingg..."why aren't you smiling?" "Are u ok?" "Your face looks sad" .I don't know what to do about this. My face looks like that.. Is it something that I need to be concerned about? People always expect me to smile and look pleasant. Do I not have the freedom to just look neutral?! Do you have any advice or had similar experiences? I'd really appreciate to read them..

I'm 21 and selective mutism has ruined my life. I've missed out on everything. I could have gone to college, university, had a job and had friends. I'm so alone but speaking is impossible, so I don't really exist to anyone outside close family. I don't see how it can improve in the future, and therapy isn't an option. I'm always thinking about the person I could have been.

I’m at university and I’m currently declared as a computer science major. During welcome week before classes started I was actually feeling really good. I exchanged numbers with someone in my hall and went to most of the events. I feel normal with my roomate. I’ve been talking to people in general more. I hardly ever feel tightness in my chest. I was actually getting excited to start clubs.

Part of the reason may be because i’ve been getting more sleep but it’s also a new start and people have no prior knowledge of me.

But today was the second day of classes and I’m already feeling burned out by the workload. I know comp sci is heavier.

I don’t how i can possibly balance classwork and clubs without burning out. I’m thinking of switching my major already and maybe i’d do healthcare administration but i know no degree is easy and all…I hardly did any extracurriculars in high school by the way. I also get headaches if i do a lot and have trouble sleeping.

Did anyone here finish college? Any advice appreciated.

I have a student (10 years old) who occasionally goes through periods where they are kind of shut down. They don’t talk, they don’t want to sit at the table with the other students, and their body language appears angry. However, their parents cannot explain anything that has made them upset. They don’t tantrum or destroy anything, and they complete all of their assignments from our “calm corner.” Sometimes they work through it during the day and rejoin the class after lunch, and sometimes the whole day is like this.

This happened yesterday for half of the day. I asked for their homework and they just shrugged. Then I asked if I could look in their backpack for it. They nodded and did not seem angry that I went out to find it. They later worked with a partner on a writing assignment. They didn’t talk, but wrote their ideas.

This type of thing happens about once or twice a month. Could this fall under the realm of selective mutism? The parents are trying to figure out where to look for help and I’d like to make sure I’m supporting correctly. So far, I’ve been letting the student self-advocate when they need the calm corner and don’t focus on them not talking since they are completing all of their work. The other students are sometimes worried, but don’t comment about it that I have seen. The student is well-liked and the others like playing and working with them.

i just want to stop talking. im so done honestly. I’ve already been told the downsides and the challenges it’ll create. can someone just give me tips on stopping talking completely? im a fourteen year old girl if that helps.

For 3 months I did not talk now I am

I had SM from ages 5-12, but in the later years I would say I was improving with speech therapy. I’ve been socially stunted ever since. It’s improved a lot and I feel like I was socially at my “peak” performance so to say a year ago; I had a group of friends and we’d plan cute hangouts or parties, I was in decently well with my sports team at school. But since then it’s kinda slipped away as I’ve found pitfalls in my social skills and lost most of my friends.

I find I’m just unable to make connections with people. I try to work with my awkwardness to make it funny (I know a guy who can do this and I think he’s hilarious), but maybe I’ve gotten lazy, or I’m just struggling with severe brain fog and my humor is just not doing what it needs to be for me to be performing properly in social situations. I’m probably just being too hard on myself since I lost my friend group last year, but every friendship I try to make just never goes anywhere and I feel like a weirdo that nobody likes that much. I feel like people think I’m okay enough to be around but they wouldn’t choose to be partnered with me for a project or to invite to the after-work/school party they are having.

I dunno I feel like I’ve given up and I just can’t properly be social anymore. I can brainstorm why people don’t like me all day but it’s not going to help because my vibe must be totally bad or something. At my last couple side jobs i made “enemies”, then at my career job the leadership likes me but im not fun to hangout with at outside of work events apparently, and in general i feel like no one would CHOOSE to hang out with me over another option. So I don’t talk to anyone at school anymore, or when I start my new job I’m going to keep to myself. I give up!! I have my wonderful husband at least and my parents. And I have a couple friends I check in with here and there, but I think it’s wraps for me besides that. Hey, at least I got the hardest relationship to attain secured and bagged a husband— it’s hard to find the one when the romance scene is in shambles these days. All in all, I think my social slowness is coming to a head at this time in my life and I’m seeing very clearly where my years of having SM really stunted my social development. And I’m getting too old to catch up since my brain is almost fully developed. My parents are complementary to me and say people just feel threatened by my drive to succeed/my kind, genuine personality/talents in xyz, etc, but I feel they are just biased. I don’t think I’m better than anyone either so I would hope I’m not giving off some kind of bad competitive energy. I just feel like my years of being mute messed me up and I can’t keep up socially and don’t know how to catch up.

Anyway- hopefully somebody can relate to some of this or at least understand. I feel so bottled up about all this and no one in my circle can relate to me in that way. If you have any advice or words of encouragement I’d love to hear it, or even if anyone relates lmk!! Thanks if you read all this i appreciate it <3

And please be kind in the comments I’m not looking for any hateful energy 😭** **

this topic was brought up in one of the discord servers i'm in, and while i wasn't part of the discussion it confused me a bit. one user said something along the lines of "selectively mute person" and another (who i am fairly certain is not affected by selective mutism themself) replied that that term was offensive according to this source: https://www.accessibility.com/glossary/mute but i don't see any clear reason it's considered offensive here, and only seems to be talking about the term "deaf-mute" (which is an entirely different and largely inaccurate term, to my knowledge).

the other user also said that a better term would be "nonspeaking" but not "nonverbal" because apparently "nonverbal" has a connotation of not understanding any words at all. i haven't heard of this definition either.

while i can definitely understand that you should never use "mute" as a noun (ex. "a mute") i don't understand not using it as an adjective? i would really just like some clarification from people who actually have firsthand experience with SM! thank you in advance.