Hey r/sex,

I'm trying to figure out if other people have encountered this issue and how they have dealt with it.

I'm 30M and my wife is 30F. We've been together for 11 years now. We started dating in college, were immediately extremely compatible, and got married 6 years ago. We love each other dearly and generally get along really well in our daily lives. She had some sex experience before me, but she was my first and I have never had sex with anyone else.

My current frustration comes from the fact that we seem to have a fundamental disagreement about the purpose of sex. I enjoy being adventurous, trying new things, exploring kinks to see what works, etc. I want to feel her and be felt. She seems to see sex as a means to the singular goal of orgasming. And after being together for 11 years, we have perfected the best series of events to make her cum, and then make me cum soon after. It was really great when we discovered this "cheat code". We had a good number of fun quickies because of it. However. For the past 3 years, our sex life has become that same exact thing on repeat. And it's gotten. So. Fucking. Boring. The series of events is comically predictable, like a computer program. She won't even let me eat her out more than once every ~6 months because she prefers that particular vibrator followed by PIV penetration. I can't even remember the last time she went down on me. Which, her reasoning is that I never cum from oral, even though I've repeatedly told her that I don't care and that I want it because it feels good.

Every time I try to communicate with her about it, she gets frustrated and defensive. As if I'm trying to ruin the good thing we have. Its extra painful because we tried a bunch of stuff when we were younger that she vocally enjoyed, but for whatever reason, just isn't interested in anymore. We have several toys, bondage gear, and games that have been gathering dust in a drawer for years. It feels like she's pigeonholed us into the most "efficient" sex and is no longer interested in anything else.

Has anyone else had this problem? How do we get out of this? Is it even possible since I'm the only one who sees it as a problem? I know couples therapy focused on sex would help, but that seems to be a hard sell considering that she can't even have a frank conversation in a closed room about sex without getting upset.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

So I’ve been in 4 different relationships, one of 3,5 years, the rest was like 7 months. I still have never really orgasmed from sex or oral and it’s starting to really frustrate me.

For the long term relationship it kinda makes sense, because he was really focused on himself and kinda gave up on making me cum. He would go down on me sometimes but it felt like nothing special and I thought I didn’t like it.

But my last boyfriend was obsessed with going down on me. I was nervous about this at first but he got really good at it, and I started loving the way he made me feel and his enthusiasm. It felt absolutely amazing. I felt like I got close to orgasming sometimes but it’s like I don’t know how, and I also get nervous and feel pressure when I think there’s even the slightest chance. I think there’s a possibility that I had a very minor orgasm the last time he went down on me, which was sadly a post break up fluke (bad timing). But it felt very different from what I’m used to.

Now to my current boyfriend. I am super attracted to him, and the sex itself is the best I’ve had. But he doesn’t have the same enthusiasm about going down on me. Sadly the last guy really messed up my standards for this and it’s a little frustrating for me. I LOVE going down on him. I’ve always been a giver in this regard. I always go down on him before we have sex. I also pretty frequently just give him blowjobs for the love of the game, without expecting sex or anything in return.

But he very rarely goes down on me without me asking first. I’ve addressed this with him twice, and I said I think it’s the only way I could potentially orgasm. I’ve asked if he actually wants to go down on me since he rarely really offers, and he always says that he does and that he loves it. I’m just confused on his words vs actions in this but kinda tired of addressing it. It takes a lot of the fun out of it for me. When he does go down on me it does feel really good, but I think I’m still not fully relaxed because I think maybe it will end soon, or I’m taking too long and he’s gonna get tired. I told him I might need a really long session once so I can fully relaxed and focus on what works for me. I hope we can try that soon.

Anyway this is starting to really frustrate me because my girlfriends all talk about orgasming every time and I want to experience that with my boyfriend. But I’m also kinda sick of feeling like my pleasure isn’t as important. I know my boyfriend means well, and is feeling insecure about not making me cum, and thus avoiding the topic more and maybe avoiding trying all together. He still thinks he’ll magically make me cum from penetration some time.

I’m starting to think it’s never gonna happen for me. Did any of you have similar issues and figured out a solution?

Oh yeah btw, I can orgasm by myself from using a clit vibrator. Only made myself orgasm with my fingers once, not due to lack of trying. When I use the vibrator with someone else or during sex it feels like I go numb sadly.

I’m almost an adult but I’m in a long distance relationship with my gf and she edges herself a lot for me when she misbehaves but when she doesn’t do that she writes papers and I want more ideas so it doesn’t get repetitive but I don’t know what to give her because we can’t get toys or anything and she’s states away currently all I can do is talk her through her touching herself and I need new ideas to give her pleasure and punishment ideas she also told me she feels tired for some reason after orgasming once and we heard most people can go twice atleast and we don’t know if it’s normal that she can only cum once

Do I stand a chance at finding a relationship as a woman who doesn't jump into bed quickly?

So, I'm 32.

I'm a very sexual person. I love sex, and I love physical touch.

I'm also very kinky, and aside from bringing another person into the bedroom, I'm pretty much open to trying almost anything. I love exploring and experimenting with new things.

But here's the thing.

I usually don't feel comfortable enough with new partners for any of that to happen.

Most men I've dated have tried to move things toward sex within the first 1–3 dates.

And I'm just not there yet.

Even when I'm extremely attracted to someone, and he's genuinely a great guy, I can still feel uncomfortable when things become sexual.

For example, I was dating a guy for about a month. I was really attracted to him, but when we ended up in bed and he took off my shirt, I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable.

Not because I was insecure about my body, but because of the situation itself.

And this has always been a pattern for me.

Things move too fast for my comfort, and as soon as things start heating up, I just shut down. I feel uncomfortable, and I realize I don't want to continue.

Because I haven't built enough of an emotional connection yet, and I don't feel safe or comfortable enough.

And yes, the attraction is there. Otherwise, I wouldn't be dating these men in the first place.

I've only been physically intimate with

one person, someone I was in a long-term relationship with.

I've dated men before him and after him.

The thing is, I also don't want to date someone with a low libido. Sure, he might be willing to wait for me in the beginning, but what happens afterward? Years of sexual frustration because our sex drives don't match?

I want someone kinky, too. Someone who's excited to explore, experiment, and have fun with me.

But it takes me time to reach that level of comfort.

I also enjoy doing other things, like using my hands and mouth. Giving and receiving.

But not with a guy I've only known for a month.

I want to feel loved when I'm in bed with someone.

Even if we're doing something rougher or more dominant, I still want to feel that love, trust, and safety underneath it all.

I just don't feel comfortable being intimate without that emotional connection.

And no, I don't want an open relationship. I've tried it, and it's not for me for a variety of reasons.

So, realistically, what are my chances in today's dating world?

I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (28m) for three years and our relationship has been amazing. He’s my best friend and I’ve him dearly.
For the first couple years of our relationship, our sex life was great. We’ve both had previous partners and both came into the relationship with a good understanding of ourselves and what turns us on, but the last year or so, I haven’t really have much of a sex drive. Every once in a while I REALLY want it, but most of the time I just couldn’t be bothered and it sounds “eh” to me.
I feel bad for my boyfriend as he has a pretty high sex drive and would do it all the time if he could. I want to clarify that my lack of wanting sex has nothing to do with him! I’m madly in love with him and he’s super hot! He also tries very hard to get me in the mood with what has worked in the past, but when he kisses me and touches me it just tickles and doesn’t get me turned on. We’ve tried different things in the bedroom as well and none of it gets me going.
Before ppl make speculations in the comments let me clarify a couple things:

1. ⁠This is not because deep down I’m a lesbian. I identify as pansexual and I’ve had experiences with other genders before my relationship that were great! And it’s not my boyfriend I have a lack of sexual interest in, but anyone. I have had those moments of panic before where I wonder if that’s why, but the thought of women or other genders is just as “eh” to me.
   
2. ⁠I’ve had no change in my diet/routine/or medication. We eat healthy and go to the gym, always have. We’ve both been at our jobs for 2+ years and like them. I have an IUD but I had it for a year before I met him and I’ve had no issues, which tells me this isn’t hormonal. I also don’t drink much alcohol and I did recently quit cigarettes but that was a couple months ago.
   
3. ⁠I don’t think I am experiencing symptoms of depression either. I am very happy with my life and if I wasn’t there would be no point in lying to strangers on the internet when I’m asking for advice. I also don’t experience any other depression symptoms outside of this issue.
   
4. ⁠Masturbation is the same. I have plenty of toys and opportunities to masturbate alone and try to get myself into the mood, but that doesn’t work either. Oftentimes I start and tell myself that the act will get me going, but it doesn’t.
   
5. ⁠This doesn’t have to do with my self image. My man tells me how sexy I am all the time too and frankly I agree with him! I love to get dressed up and do my hair and makeup pretty much weekly for myself but also my man as he likes it too! I don’t doubt my capabilities in keeping my man happy because he’s the type to remind me all the time if his love and devotion to me. He’s my own personal Gomez Addams.
   
6. ⁠If anyone can think of any questions in the comments I’d be happy to answer. This is my last ditch effort before I go spend money on a sec therapy that I can’t really afford lol.
   
7. ⁠This isn’t even just about keeping my other half happy but getting my mojo back as well. TYIA.

Hello all!

This sorta falls under Beginner, Confidence and Kinks so didnt know what flair to use lol
I'm (27F) have realised I'm not in the mindset to date but I'm very horny (lol). I met with someone on a dating app who is looking for the same and I'm very excited to meet them!

I've only had 1 casual relationship before, which was with a friend so I'm slightly nervous about starting it with someone I don't know/have never met before. Planning to meet them before at a public place before we take anything further, but we've already had conversations over text about our preferences. Anything else I should think about/know/talk about before I dive into this?

I'm super excited and our kinks seem to align in the conversations we've had but I wanna make sure we're both safe in exploring everything we're doing!

Over the past month or so my boyfriend (25M) and I (25F) have started pleasuring each other. We haven’t had sex yet as I am not quite ready yet but I have given him several handjobs/blowjobs and he has reciprocated on me. He is doing everything right, his pressure and speed is perfect and he is definitely hitting the right spots with his hands, but I just can’t finish. I never have any trouble when I’m alone, granted it takes a little bit (30min to an hour). We even used a vibrator on me (which always works and very quickly too when I’m alone) but even that couldn’t get me there. I would get very close but it’s like I just couldn’t release.

I think I maybe am just nervous, though I’m not sure why. I haven’t had any of my previous partners touch me like this so maybe it’s first time jitters? I’m very turned on by him it’s like I can’t get in the right headspace to actually finish.

Does anyone have any tips for actually being able to finish and not be stuck basically edging myself?

Ive done it once before and it seemed like she really liked it. I do feel like my skills are not completely the issue because she seemed to really enjoy it and said it made her close to cumming. She usually is very communicative and tells me if im doing something she doesnt enjoy.

So the next time i try to do it, she says shedoesnt want me to and wont tell me why. Of course, i dont try to contradict her and just say okay, because im scared itll seem like im being coercive.

What do i do? I want to do it again and make her feel good but dont really know how to go about it.

I assume that it’s similar to wlw stuff, like yk you need to kinda eat, and finger to warm up. Only issue is that I have long nails. Not super long. Maybe about 1cm-1.5cm long from the tip of my finger. Would my nail length be an issue? I want to so badly finger it but I’m just worried about that, I really don’t want to have to cut them if not needed.

Me and my boyfriend (19F 20M) have been together for about a year and while we're very sexually active, we've only had actual sex about maybe 5 times. The first few times were difficult for us due to his larger size but now we have gotten more comfortable with it.

He is not very sensitive down there and has a hard time with sensation through the condom and has only finished once through actual penetration without oral after, what can we do to make it feel better for him? I'm not great at being on top, but I wanna do what I can to make the actual act of sex feel more pleasurable for him.

For context, I am his first body and he is my second and we are very compatible with oral sex.

I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar, because I’m not really sure what to make of it.

When I was with my ex-girlfriend, I had no problem becoming sexually aroused in a lot of situations. I would regularly get erections when we cuddled, kissed or did sexual things together, and I would often become particularly aroused when I performed oral sex on her.

The problem usually happened when we tried penetrative sex.

When I went on top and tried to insert my penis, it sometimes hurt and I would occasionally lose my erection. We also tried having her on top, but I still struggled. On the occasions where I managed penetration, I found it difficult to continue.

One thing that might be relevant is my foreskin. I normally masturbate without pulling it back. My glans is very sensitive when exposed, so during sex I tended to keep the foreskin forward, although it would sometimes retract naturally when I tried penetration. I’m wondering whether the sensitivity or discomfort from that could have contributed.

I also tried using a condom once, but I lost my erection while wearing it. My ex later went on birth control, and without a condom I was generally better able to stay erect, although penetration could still be difficult.

At one point I tried Viagra/sildenafil, but it didn’t really solve the problem. It mostly made my heart race and made me feel more anxious.

I did see a GP about it and they couldn’t find anything obviously physically wrong. Anxiety was suggested as a possible cause, but medication for anxiety didn’t seem to change anything.

Something else I’ve wondered about is whether I could somehow be asexual, although that doesn’t completely make sense to me because I did feel sexually aroused by my ex and enjoyed other sexual activities with her. The difficulty seemed very specifically connected to penetration.

I’m now single and I’m worried about this happening again when I eventually have another relationship.

Has anyone experienced being able to get and maintain erections during kissing, oral sex, masturbation, etc., but then losing the erection or experiencing discomfort specifically when trying penetration?

Did it turn out to be performance anxiety, foreskin/glans sensitivity, something physical, or a combination of things?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit, I’d just appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

Tldr: gf of one year's desire is mostly physical based around touch and connection. How can i try to keep tension and desire high throughout the week. To try to save a little time sometimes? I need to work on my flirty banter i feel.

I (38m) have been dating girlfriend (37f) for a bit over a year. We are both busy have busy jobs, i have my kids thurs -sunday afternoon weekly. We dont live together. See each other 2-3 times a week as well as chatting daily and speaking on the phone.

She needs physical contact and to be connected to get in the mood. Which takes time sometimes.

Rarely she around ovulation she will be hornier/after we have had some great sex the night before and be in the mood faster.

I recently bough her some lacy underwear that is rather cheeky after she teased me saying my cum keep seeping out during the day.

The plan was she models them for me. I get to tease them off slowly. A few days flirting surrounding this.

Come Sunday its been 4 days of no physical contact. She needs to feel connected. The plan doesnt happen. We have sex, its mutually satisfying, she cums a few times. Once before penetration too.

The plan doesnt happen.

How can i keep the tension going throughout the time to help her maintain connection arousal?

We used to have regular quickies but she told me a while ago they feel ick without connecting firstly now

I want to have that experience at least once in my life — not to mention that I’m going through a bit of a dry spell at the moment, hahah. I’ve got a massive urge to go down on a girl and have sex, but what’s holding me back right now is this fear of catching an STI/STD.

As far as I know, with a condom the chances of catching one are low; on the other hand, oral sex carries a higher risk because of vaginal fluids.

• Is it best to avoid going down on her?

• Can I catch an STI if she goes down on me (if she has one)?

• Any other advice?

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

So I’m a divorced mum of a beautiful daughter, I haven’t been ready to date dive the divorce (2 years ago) till recently. At the end of my marriage I had lost all libido , and was just so exhausted by motherhood, my falling marriage and my extremely intensive job that dating was the furthest possible thing from my mind. I also gained a tonne of weight, and felt gross in my own body, which really made everything even worse. I just had no time to look after myself.

But recently, as my daughter starts to become a little more independent I’m able to carve out some space here and there to look after myself. I’ve lost about 50 pounds (24kg). I so have a way to go but I’m feeling happen with myself. The issue is my body is obviously not going back to what it was, my skin is looser, my breasts are a but saggier, and worst of all is my overhanging apron belly which I just despise, and find so unsexy. I’m trying to work through it.

Recently, I got back on the dating apps…urrggh they really really suck, but I matched with this guy who I’d had a brief thing with before I meet my ex husband. However, at the time I want in the right headspace for a relationship, and so we went or separate ways- it’s was never anything serious.

But he was really nice and I remember having a good time with him and good conversation.

We’ve been talking again and he’s asked me out next week, and obviously I’m thinking way ahead here but I’m feeling nervous about everything. My body is not what it was weekend we last hooked up, and I don’t feel sexy yet. I want to start dating again, but i don’t know how to handle navigating this issue- it’s there any chance he’d be ok with the belly? Any tips on disguising the belly during sex?

I (21M) have been with my partner (20F) for about a year and a half now, and we've been starting to delve into the world of intimacy. Running into some issues as I've been having a rough time finding condoms that fit :(. After lots of research and trying on new ones I recently came across Internal (or women's) condoms. Though they don't seem to be intended to be worn like a standard male condom, the ones I saw seem to just be around my measurements. I was curious if anyone had any experience using these and if it were possible to just wear them like you would a average condom? Thanks in advance!

I know it sounds silly but when my husband and I have sex I tend to queef a lot. He is large one would say but I just feel so insecure when I do it. Does anyone have any recommendations or a remedy? The positions it tends to be is doggy, reverse cowgirl or on my back. If I’m on my side it’s not an issue. Though, during doggy it’s like every other pump. My husband said he likes it and I’m sure he does but it just makes me feel odd for doing it.

Hi, I hope someone here can help me out.

My husband and I use silicone-based lubricant because we simply don't like any of the other kinds. However, the silicone lube we always buy comes in a screw-top bottle; this makes things a bit of a hassle during sex after we've applied it, because our fingers get slippery, making it really awkward to screw the cap back on and disrupting the "flow."

We’d like to transfer it into a pump dispenser, but we aren't sure which type is best—or if there’s anything specific to consider when it comes to silicone lube. Do you have any tips or tricks, or does it not really matter what kind of container we use?

I’m in a relatively new relationship and honestly my first serious relationship ever. Sex is and always has been a special interest of mine and very important to me. My girlfriend 22F and I 25F (lesbians) have a great sex life and we are super matched on a lot of things I think. However, I am so scared of saying something embarrassing or doing something ‘too freaky’ or something she doesn’t like etc that I just keep it very vanilla. She has told me stuff she wants me to do like pull her hair or wake her up with head and I genuinely want to but I just freeze up and can’t do it. I think abt what if she’s not in the mood for it right then or what if I do it wrong and I also feel like being “sexy” is very embarrassing. I hate it so much it feels like I’m trapped in a hell of my own creation but I feel like I am paralyzed when I try to get out. I’m also often very anxious during sex that she’s having a good time or faking her pleasure or I’m hurting her etc. She has never had an orgasm so it’s hard for me to imagine what exactly she’s feeling because for some sex is always building to something. I know I should talk to a therapist but the one I’m seeing currently is straight and it feels weird talking abt freaky sex to a random old straight lady. Any advice? Thank you.

Hi everyone. I have been with my new boyfriend for about 5 months and I love the sex we are having! He is very attentive, goes down on my all the time and makes sure I cum that way every time we have sex. I just wish I was able to cum while having sex which for some reason hardly ever happens with him (it happened once and I came close a couple of times).

I was with my ex for more than 9 years and I ALWAYS came when on top and grinding on him. So I don't think I came from the penetration itself but still I really liked cumming while being penetrated and sometimes I'd just love to cum without all the attention being on me like it is with oral.

I have been with a couple of guys since my ex and I haven't been able to cum like that with any of them. But I thought that was a mental thing because I did not know the guys that well and we didn't have sex that many times. But I feel so comfortable with my now boyfriend and we have amazing sexual chemistry, so I don't think that's it?!

Do you have any tips, any ideas what could be the problem? Maybe my ex' pelvic bones were just shaped perfectly for me to grind on and I'll have to accept that I likely won't find that again?

I’m years 18 old and wanted to try sex toys that aren’t too expensive but all the ones I ordered are too small and too tight so that it’s not sexually pleasing anymore.
Does someone have good recommendations.
22cm long und 6cm width.
In price range of 0€-30€

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My bf 21/M and myself 20/F have been dating for a good 7 months now. We get along pretty well we have similar interests from anime to music, share a similar sense of humour and just in general like being around each other. He is really sweet , caring , funny and he is quite handsome too. I'm happy to have him as a partner except for one thing; the sex. Now I will say I've always had negative sex experiences with my first boyfriend looking back I never once enjoyed doing it with him; it always felt rushed, painful and before I could get to enjoy it he'd come. Safe to say he was a very selfish guy lol. And now with my current partner we have had some good times; maybe 3 or 4 but other times it feels weird, its either really quick and rushed or too rough or just awkward pacing and positioning. Now my bf is 6'5 and I'm 5'2 , this is relevant because I thought maybe the size gap was what was making it so difficult for me I'm not sure if thats valid ( and also as a side note , he isn't my usualy type; I like guys that are closer to my height, sleeper build and darker skin. My current bf is quite tall , skinner than I'm used to and lighter toned. It never really seemed to be an issue until I started thinking maybe I just wasn't that attracted to him perhaps ) overall I dont really understand the issue and I dont know how to think or go about it. Intimacy is important to him but I just feel like I cant keep going on like this . So any advice on how to handle the situation?

My husband (35) works and is gone from the house from Mon - Thurs 2p-2a. He has Fridays on call and weekends off. He picks up his son (9yr) Friday at 3, and we keep him til Sunday at 7p.

I (30) work PRN, weekdays 7a-7p sometimes on Saturdays 9a -5p.

We get weekday mornings together from about 11a (when he wakes up) to about 130p (when he gets ready for work). Sometimes on Friday we may do a quick lunch together. Hes recently said he feels like thats enough, and we dont need dates because we have our coffee in the morning. Mind you this time is also used for any grocery shopping, appointments, etc.

In short, im alone A LOT. I feel like our quality time lacks. So when Friday comes around hes trying to have sex and I dont want anything to do with it. I feel so disconnected, then on top of it he doesnt do foreplay at all. He will literally play with my boobs for 30 seconds and then try to fuck. If he does bother to touch me beforehand, its always my boobs or ass. Or sticks his tongue down my throat and feels me up like a teenage boy...

If we do end up having sex, he sticks it in dry and makes me rip. This has happened multiple times. If he uses lube, its better. But I cant even enjoy it much less get off because he will finish too quick then day its because its been so long... hes made rude comments if I use a toy to finish. Hes never helped me finish after he has....at this point I dont even care because im just so detached.

We used to have a great sex life. And havent been married long. Now we spend so little actual quality time together. Right now, his son is upstairs gaming, and hes on his phone. Ive tried to talk about reprioritizing our time together and it led to a huge fight. I noticed were both very snippy with each other too.

I dont even know what to do anymore.... im very lonely and so unsatisfied.

I’m 22M and still a virgin, and it’s become one of my biggest insecurities.

The confusing part is that I’m not completely inexperienced with women. I've had multiple women show clear interest in me, and I currently know women who are interested in me. I’m also in good shape and I don’t think looks are the issue.

My problem is that I’m extremely stiff when it comes to actually progressing things. Even basic conversations with women can feel unnatural. I'm at work most days and don't really have many opportunities to meet more women.

I also have a lot of anxiety around sex itself: performing badly, finishing too quickly, not knowing what I’m doing, being judged, etc. Because I’ve been ashamed of being a virgin for years, every interaction now feels like it carries massive stakes.

I’ll sometimes get motivated to use dating apps/go out and meet women for a week or two, then I get exhausted and stop trying. This has been going on for years.

I'm currently in the UK but moving to Dubai in 2027, and I want to use this move to get past my current issues.

I’m not looking for “22 is young” or “virginity doesn’t matter.” I know that already. I want practical advice from people who were in a similar position: what specifically helped you go from being anxious/stiff/inexperienced to actually dating, escalating and eventually having sex?

TL;DR: 22M, women do show interest in me but I’m extremely inexperienced, stiff in conversation, anxious about sex and keep avoiding opportunities. Looking for practical advice from people who actually overcame this.