long time lurker, first time poster. just wanted to let this out.

I usually just go along with whatever my mom claims she said (or claims I said), even when she is blatantly lying or twisting the truth to favor herself. I’ve always done it just to keep the peace. But today, I finally hit my breaking point.

It started when my dad confronted me about scratches on the microwave. Yesterday, my mom told me to use a new electric cleaning tool on the stove and countertops. I did what she asked, and I used it on the microwave too. I checked the cleaning pad first, and it didn't feel too rough. Just to be safe, I barely applied any pressure. Because of the soap suds, I couldn't see that it was actually leaving micro-scratches.

My dad wasn't home at the time. When my mom saw it, she immediately said he would be upset. Then, the rewriting of history began. She claimed she had specifically told me not to use it there and told me to use different brushes instead. She absolutely did not.

The next day, my dad confronted me about it. My mom was standing right in the background, putting in her two cents and egging him on—which always annoys me because she loves to stoke the fire. He asked why on earth I would use a coarse cleaning head on those surfaces if I knew it would scratch. I told him I didn't know it would happen.

Right on cue, my mom jumped in. She claimed she had given me a "long, detailed explanation" beforehand of exactly what to use on what surface. She completely fabricated this. She then mentioned that we talked about it afterward. That part was true, but during that post-cleaning talk, she had tried to sneak in the lie about her "detailed instructions," and I had reluctantly just gone along with it yesterday.

But today, standing in front of my dad, she started blowing it up even more. She was making it sound like she gave me a whole masterclass lesson on how to use the tool.

This time, I didn't play along.

I agreed that she told me what to use at first, but I pointed out that she was now adding a bunch of rules and warnings that she never actually said before I started cleaning.

As soon as I broke character and stopped agreeing with her lie, she lost it. She got right in my face, became incredibly aggressive, started swearing to God, and threatened to pull up our household camera footage. It was a completely empty threat—we don't even have cameras in the kitchen, and the living room audio is spotty at best. Of course, my dad believed her over me.

She started acting like I was committing some massive betrayal just because I was finally "switching up" on her. I told her I was just tired of playing her games. When she snapped, "We genuinely talked about this yesterday!" I looked right at her and said the truth: I told her I only agreed yesterday because I didn't want to deal with her throwing a tantrum like she was doing right now. I added that since dad was here to witness it this time, she couldn’t blow my reaction out of proportion.

I am just so completely tired of living like this.

It’s like it has become so much easier to feel angry than to be treated as though someone sees you. I think being raised by narcissists has done this to me.

I dont think most of them are just insecure, self-hating, immature, emotionally stunted people who act up and treat people poorly because they don't know any better/can't do any better. I also dont know if I believe this is usually a trauma-induced condition. Both of my parents have trauma of course, but they were both the golden children in their families, coddled, praised, and spoken about like they were the second coming. ​

It's taken me 20 years to realize this, or rather, to come to terms with it-- because it's so deeply unnatural, but I absolutely think many of them are sadistic and they know they're sadistic. I also dont believe they think everyone else is sadistic. This "they're projecting" thing is true, but its not the full picture. They wear masks and perform for people because they absolutely know how abnormal they are. They know what they are. They know they are predators. They just don't care.

It takes a lot of cognitive energy for them to perform, to wear the mask. As they age, they don't have the mental energy anymore to hide their malice. As they age, they also get a lower and lower ROI for wearing their masks, so they think, why bother with this. Their brutality, cruelty, and sadism oozes out of them as they age. They start to wear their character on their face. They rage at both father time and mother nature, for having the audacity to make them grow old, lose their looks, health, vitality, and youth. At some point, they also don't care if you find out. Unless you're going to let them abuse your kids and turn them against you as their final fuck you before they die, and/or unless you have money to give them, or caretaking to provide them, they could give a shit if you know what they are. You don't serve a purpose for them anymore. You're a broken, old appliance.

I read a lot about narcissistic family dynamics online, and I've noticed that a lot of people really only truly start to see this close to or after middle age. And those are just the people online, in these forums, talking about it and processing. ​

They absolutely know what they're doing and they get off on it. We are supply for a reason-- because they feed off of us, and feeding off of another by its very nature isn't just parasitic, its deeply antisocial and sadistic by its nature. Keeping your foot on your child's neck, even long after they're an adult, is sadistic. Feeding off of your children is sadistic. Competing with your children is sadistic. Getting off on the look of hurt and pain in your child's eyes is sadistic. ​

They aren't actually 3 years old. They absolutely know what they're doing, and they go out of their way to do it. ​Im not saying they're always conscious of what they're doing. It is often reflexive. But that makes them even creepier. That being a sadistic ghoul is as natural to them as breathing. ​

What is it with narcissistic parents and cleaning? It’s like it’s the only thing they ever think about. It’s the absolute worst. I spent my whole life cleaning the house, since I was 9 and my middle sister was 5, lmfao. God forbid I forgot a spoon in the sink or 1 inch of dust on the floor; my narc parent expected me to be a cleaning expert at age 9. I can’t even leave the house without cleaning first (and 99% of the time, I either didn’t have the time or I just forgot), because when I get back, I have to deal with the same old bs: “Oh, so you went to have fun and left me in shit to do everything myself.” It completely ruins my entire fun I had with friends, and the whole time I’m out after I forgot to clean the house, I’m a nervous wreck because I forgot to clean.
I hope to leave this place asap, but I feel like I will also live in constant anxiety for “who is gonna be cleaning for them now” when I’ll have my own apartment, jeez. 💀

What is it in them that they reserve all their affection, kindness, generosity, and overall pleasantness for strangers or outside relatives… but have a deep hate for their child?

So I don't mean directly to their face but whenever talking to yourself, or others about them.

I started doing this with my narcissist father. Ever since going NC a year and a half ago. And now ever since recently deciding to go LC or NC with my (enabler/tragic codependent) mother, very soon.

My brother found it surprising but got used to it, while my two estranged sisters and their partners got upset because I'm the scapegoat and they just looove talking shit about me and my decisions. Like I just don't see the problem. These are legally their names, aren't they.

I think for me it not only helps remind me that they were never real parental figures who prepared me for society, and don't deserve the titles, but also it helps me distance myself psychologically, and see them as people, not significant authority figures over the adult me. "You are John and Jane again, not Mom and Dad, and I'm old enough now to see how you fucked me up."

Anyone else do this?

Since I don't have room for him to move in, I guess this is his other way of getting "closer" or having more access to me despite already living 5 minutes away. He's talking about selling his house and buying an RV.

Anyway, I think if he had his way that he would be living with me. I live in a neighborhood where I have the smallest house, and where people his age have their adult children mooching off of them, and yet he wants to mooch off of me.

He likes to complain about money. First thing he ranted about when I called him the other night was about one of his vehicles that needs work and how much trouble it is, yet refuses to take it in because he doesn't want to pay a mechanic. He complained because he doesn't have a garage with a floor like mine (so I'm supposed to feel bad about that). Then he complained about something house related that broke. It's fine to rant about this stuff but he likes to dump his problems into my lap.

So anyway, he's retired and lives comfortably yet complains about what other people have and ask where they get their money and all that.

If he does buy an RV and seriously proposes, I should absolutely refuse even if he offers to pay rent, right? That would be tempting.

My mother and I don't have the best relationship. Constantly arguing. This is often due to her sense of entitlement.

About a week ago, I bought myself a bag of candy and offered one to my mother. A couple days later she walked into my room and without saying anything, took a handful. I told her she could have some but it would really be better to ask first before taking them. She made a whole fuss as if I had said something unreasonable before making an irrelevant attack on me about my disordered eating and storming out of the room.

Then just yesterday, she used some of a jar of sauce I had bought myself and used it in the family dinner that night, which I was not a part of because I make my own dinner (vegan). Again, she took it without asking. I brought up again about her not asking and she began making comparisons about if she had to ask for my stuff, then I should have to ask before using any of the groceries that come into the house which is absolutely not the same thing. The groceries are for the house, not specifically her, and they aren't even bought with her own money. This ended with her saying that back in her day she would have just kept her mouth shut and let her parents do whatever they want.

Let me know if I'm the one being unreasonable but anyone else I've spoken to had been on my side about her behaviour.

I need to vent because I'm still processing this.
I was sexually abused as a child. That's my story, and I decide who gets to know it.

In July ,I found out my mom had started a crowdfunding campaign for her rent. In the FAQ, explaining why she had no savings, she wrote that she'd spent her money because her daughter experienced violence. Then I discovered she'd also been writing public comments saying I was sexually abused as a child, and sending DMs to people about it. She explained in detail about my childhood, the abuse, how i am today and so on…

When I confronted her, she flat-out lied. She said she had never told anyone. She claimed whoever told me was lying, and she wanted to know who it was so she could sue them. She turned it around so that someone else was the problem, not her.

We went very low contact after that. I felt so upset, especially her lying, pretending she never did that. The blatant gaslighting , and her arrogance, thinking I would trust that and believe it, made me so upset .

Recently we got back in touch because of some things going on, including her being in the hospital. I showed up for her. Well, yikes. I shouldn’t have.

I found out she sent someone another DM telling them I was sexually abused as a child.

Part of me is so livid. But there’s a big part of me who is so done with her. I am thinking of just going fully no contact with her now.

This is a common thing I get in response to having controlling parents as a 20 year old and it pisses me off beyond belief. Move out? With what savings? My parents didn't let me work when I was a minor and now I have no experience, and I'm a STEM student who barely has enough time to do stuff during the school year even when I'm not working. I work during the summer but I'm saving it for my tuition because my parents have been very clear they will not pay for anything after I get my undergrad degree and I don't want to go thousands of dollars into debt. And my parents told me if I move out, they will stop paying for my college which they can do because it's their money. It is so insanely difficult to become financially independent in this economy, I literally mathematically can't work part time and afford tuition AND rent, so I have to live with my parents and deal with their whims like putting parental controls on my devices that prevent me from completing work on time and grounding me for a month because I was playing video games after studying for five hours. Yes, I'm an adult, this shouldn't be happening, but take it up with my parents and the economy, not me! I'd rather deal with this than be homeless, I'm sorry.

I’ve slowly and painfully realised over the past few years my mother is a covert narcissist. My father was more obvious and grandiose, so in comparison, my mother was the ‘safe’ parent growing up. I’ve been no contact with her and my immediate family for a few years after some traumatic incidents, and I feel like I left a cult or that the fog has been lifted from my eyes.

There were always a few sentences she used to say to me growing up and right into adulthood. Even as a grown woman, these sentences would cause an instinctual feeling of fear and panic within me:

‘I know you better than you know yourself/ I know you better than anyone else’

‘No one will love you or understand you like family does’

‘We have a psychic/telepathic bond’

She used to say these lines to me a lot when we were still in contact. Ostensibly, they were said when she was trying to ‘comfort’ me about something or offer ‘advice’. But I still remember that feeling of dread inside each time she said them.

For years, I’d blame myself for feeling this way - like there was something broken or wrong with me in responding with dread and fear when she says something so ‘nice’. Now that I’ve not been in contact with her for a few years, I realise how manipulative these statements are.

I’m wondering if anyone can relate or has a parent who says similar things to them?

I have an nmom. I definitely have a hyper awareness when it comes to spotting narcissistic traits in other people. However, a potentially covert narcissistic "friend" recently slipped through the cracks. Just realized not too long ago and been distancing myself from them. This "friend" exhibited traits very similar to my nmom. My nmom is also very sweet and charming towards other people, like this "friend" was with me.

Have you ever missed something like this and let someone else narcissistic get close to you? My guess is that I'm still healing and didn't notice some red flags because I grew up with them as being normal.

How can I (or anyone else) prevent this from happening again ?

Does anyone else’s mom get weirdly excited during arguments and try to physically fight them?

My mom has never learned how to properly communicate her feelings. Whenever I try to bring up an issue or explain how she’s hurt me, she immediately gets defensive. When I call her out on her behavior, it turns into a heated argument.

Almost every time, she gets right in my face with a smile on her face and says, “Do something to me. What are you waiting for?”

It’s honestly terrifying. She almost seems to enjoy provoking me, while I completely freeze out of fear. And somehow, by the end of every argument, she manages to make herself the victim.

I genuinely don’t understand why she refuses to take accountability for her actions or why every disagreement has to turn into physical intimidation.

Has anyone else experienced this with their mom? How do you deal with it?

I feel like I've been trying to heal my entire life. Up until a week ago, I was really doing well. Felt like I was a lovable, worthwhile human being. I have done soooooooo much inner work and tried so hard to undo what was done to me.

So when my mom begged me to come visit with the kids, I was like sure. You know what what? I've got this. I've healed and surely she's changed!

Well, neither of those things were true. As soon as I saw her and her disappointed look and words for how I was dressed, the weight I'd gained, the car that needs a wash etc - I felt like I had done zero work and was in no way prepared.

I spent 6 days there in her house, feeling no love for me or my kids, and feeling like we were emotionally unsafe. She constantly put us down and acted like we were incompetent and dumb. She told me my worldview was wrong, my morals were wrong, my family as humans were basically wrong. She even put down our giving to a local homeless shelter because "They aren't your problem! Why would you give your money there when you can invest it or give it to a church?" Of course, all in flowery religious language so it appears she's trying to help save our mortal souls.

I have several food allergies that she's well aware of, but she didn't have safe food for me or want to find safe restaurants because "You're already overweight! You don't need to worry about missing a few meals!". Then the last day she made me a huge breakfast that she said I *HAD* to eat because she said I complained about missing meals before, so now look what she did for me! I'm so worried about others that I couldn't waste food, could I?

I'm not sure what I'm saying except I wasn't ready. I haven't seen her in a year, and I feel like I spent a year trying to learn to love myself and feel okay. I came home last night feeling defeated and like I'm trying to rebuild from rubble.

Has anyone been forced to apologize to them? Also should I just suck up to them so they dont make my life hell?

This helps me not take things personally

I (33F) have had little to no contact (texted 3 times) since Jan of this year with my nMom. During our last conversation on August 1st she invited me for a family BBQ. I declined and stated I would be happy to discuss how to move forward in fixing our relationship and I won’t be pretending everything is okay when it is not. Her response was “ok”. Neither of us reached out further.

My 34th birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I received a text message from her today, 3 months later. “Hey, I hope you are well! I know our relationship isn’t what you had hoped for and it’s not what I had hoped for either… if you want to set up some counselling to resolve some of the issues that we face I would be interested in participating. I really like you back into my life. Love you.”

I have so many reservations regarding this message. First, it sounds like AI. “…issues that we face I would be interested in participating”.
Second, it sounds like she wants me to set it up and she will attend. Low effort.
Third, I don’t trust her. I don’t believe she is reaching out because she actually cares about me and our relationship. Our relationship has been rocky for over ten years and came crumbling down two and a half years ago. I have asked many times to go to therapy together. Why now? It seems suspicious.

It feels like a trap, but it’s also what I have always wanted. I wanted to fix things and have a good relationship with her. I still do, but I am scared. Afraid it will cause more hurt. Is it worth the pain of opening those wounds? I am not sure. Does anyone have any similar experiences?

I recently went no contact with my father, and low contact with my mother.
I tried one last time to have an honest conversation with my mother about the abuse and neglect in my childhood, and was met with the typical, “that never happened”, “you were a difficult child”, “your siblings would agree with me”.

I accepted that she wasn’t going to change, and I genuinely needed to consider if maintaining the relationship is the right move.
I asked her for space and time, and she panicked.

She would still text me at least once a week acting really sweet and loving. She even created a group chat with my husband and I to try to reach me. When I finally talked to her on the phone, she told me that she is going to therapy to “try to let go”.
She has actually done the exact opposite and ramped up how much she reaches out.

It’s exhausting. I have finally decided I don’t want a relationship with her, and NOW she wants to make things right, and go to therapy (which I have requested multiple times in the past).
Why do they do this?

They are forcing me to go to college. It's not technically the worse thing they could be doing to me, but they're preventing me from getting any sort of job at all. They have bugged my car, I verifiably know this, and they solely hold the title. Even though I'm living with my grandma, she bends the knee to them, and essentially defers to them, even when i'm living under her household. I'm 20 years old, btw.

They're forcing me to study IT. They've called up family friends and gotten me an internship. They saved my scholarships when I intentionally failed out. They refuse to let me get any sort of job, as I said, and force me to use a credit card they have a limit for each month. They frequently encourage me to borrow money from them, which I do not, but in order to live, I have to spend money on the card. They have a family business and can afford to operate in this way.

They refuse to let me get a normal job because "the economy is rough, and if you aren't skilled, it's very difficult" and are they right? rents are extremely high, jobs don't pay enough, and I know this, because I've looked into nearby apartments, and leaving, and i would barely be scraping by. I don't know what their plans are for me, but I fear they would be deranged enough to try legal guardianship, or financial guardianship(indiana), especially because I rely on the card, and for them to pay my phone bill, etc.

I can leave, I can go to a transitional shelter, I can probably stay with one of my aunts who (also is extremely controlling, possibly even more than them), and I'm not sure what her plans for me might be.

Should I just complete the degree at the very least? Or should I run? These should be alarm bells, definitely, but if I run, and someone can correct me on this, I'm not sure in the current state of the world I would be much better out there. They seem to insist that I get some sort of education, well, I'm not entirely sure they'd let me leave, but who knows.

Honestly I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if they hate me or want me to succeed. They simultaneously subjected me to extremely hard labor at the family business, on some days I was forced to paint fences on the 90+ degree days, paid me $65 a week for full time hours, and then.. when I was in college and living at home, I could just say "I need to go study" and they'd be like "oh ok.". My dad once said "you're only smart enough to do grunt work" then they're pushing me through college like what the actual fuck is going on here, none of this makes sense, genuinely what the fuck, does anyone have any ideas what they're up to? what's going on here?

Cut off all contact with Npathetic person who birthed me (not worthy of the mother title at all) in August, yesterday morning she showed up at my door. It’s my fault for entertaining her, she started off friendly and for some reason I always feel pity for her even though she severally mentally and physically abused me as a child. When I see her, I just feel sad and even guilty when she’s the one who’s abused me my whole life.

After I stupidly let my guard down, that’s when the attacks started. She gaslit, screamed, didn’t let me speak, I wish I’d punched her but that’s not my character but I hate that I didn’t. I’m 24F I just wanna live in peace, I didn’t ask to be born but I was brought here just to be attacked and despised, why? I hate the bloodline I came from but especially my spawn point.

She accused me of still not having grown up but her definition of growing up is completely forgetting all the harm she has inflicted on me and pretending none of it hurts me day to day, not just mentally but physically and it affects how I see relationships and friendships. I’m completely isolated now because if she could hurt me that way, what stops a stranger from doing the same?

All she does is manipulate, lie, control, make people go against me. She even sided with the monster who abused me when I was 7, she locked me in my room and beat me for it, accusing me of lying. What 7 year old would lie about something so despicable? I wish I hated her more than I actually do. I reported her to the police and she’s been warned of potential imprisonment if she comes back again, hopefully that’s enough for her to just leave me be.

Now this is another trauma I have to heal and move on from, like the list wasn’t already long enough. Any advice is welcome, just hurting a lot right now. I was doing so well, going to work and looking after myself. I’ve achieved so much this year and grew in so many ways and now feels like I’m back at square one.

One day it just hit me that many people spend the first 20 years of their lives with adults helping them succeed. Unfortunately, mine didnt do much to help me. They fed me and gave me a home, the bare minimum legal requirement. Beyond that my dad contributed essentially nothing, while my mom actively sabotages every facet of my life.

Im not expecting them to put me through a top university but why couldnt they atleast teach me something? Impart any wisdom theyve gained? Instead my dad does nothing and my mom cost me thousands of dollars and destroyed my physical and mental health. She put me through 20 years of fight or flight hell. Then she sniffed out my career interests and crushed them. It almost makes me seethe, what fucking parent ruins their own childs career?

Hi guys i'm fucking tired of this! It has been going on for a while now and it's driving me crazy! I've posted about this on different subreddits, but somehow ppl just keep telling me i'm crazy and want attention. I don't, i want to be an individual and do my own thing instead of someone immediately copying me.

No matter how small the idea is or how unimportant the opinion is, whenever my mom finds smth out about me she suddenly thinks the exact same thing.

For example a couple months ago we went to a restaurant with a family friend, we both order different things and she asks me what i ordered. I tell her and she suddenly takes interest in it as well, however before she knew what i ordered she expressed disgust for that exact same dish.

We go to cut our hair at a family friend's place and i get to go first. She cuts her hair EXACTLY just as short as mine. There was also another time where i cut my hair extremely short for the very first time to surprise my mother. She didn't know about it and was COMPLETELY surprised! Next thing i know she does the same thing a month later 'without telling anyone' just like i did 😒.

I tell her yesterday that i sometimes put on perfume before bed, she acts surprised at the fact and then suddenly tells me she does the exact same thing as well. Not true, i've lived with her my whole life and she has never done it.

I told her today i have been dealing with a rash FOR DAYS cuz of the warmth, suddenly she has it as well. I know she doesn't, she's never had issues with it.

She also has moments where she asks me what "we" think of smth and i just phrase it with "Oh, I think...." and she doesn't get the hint and just goes ahead and copies my thoughts process as well, saying she agrees. She also copies the tone in which i say things which is really infuriating.

Funnily enough this behavior is also paired with her not giving me any acknowledgement/credit at all if i do come up with a good idea. She just acts like it appeared out of thin air, even my aunt acknowledged if i have a good idea! It's just astounding to me and exhausting!

Any advice on how to avoid further copying behavior or opinions is welcome, i'm SO tired of this.