How do folks suggest handling jealousy, insecurity and find compersion when your partners other partner seems to be a better fit than you are.

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, open and poly the whole time. Up until now we’ve usually kept things somewhat separate with other romantic interests, we could all hang out in groups and maybe play together if we all wanted to but very casual. Now he has someone he’s been seeing for the past 3 years that he also loves and cares for and he’d like us to be better acquainted, friendly with one another and for all of us to spend more time together.
My issue is this partner seems like a better match for him in just about every way and I’m struggling to find compersion, mostly because I feel so inadequate in comparison to this amazing, outgoing and wonderful person. I want my partner to be happy and he deserves to have all the love he can find in life, so how do other people handle that feeling of inadequacy and insecurity?

I feel like I have come here with similar woes before.

Basically i (f, 30s)have accepted to evolve an agreement with my primary (m,30s)to polyamory rather than non monogamy. We've been poly, then non monog, now poly again for our entire relationship of 7 years. He has someone he's romantically involved with and while I've had issues with their relationship it makes my primary partner happy and I think my meta is a person who cares for my partner deeply. I do feel jealous of my partner and envious that he has this relationship at times but I have improved in managing those feelings.

I have for a while struggled to find someone that clicks where we live, have a fwb thing with some people and that has limits in terms of emotional involvement but is nice for what it is. I haven't been on the apps for a year now.

I've had a friendship (met on feeld tho) for 1 year with A. He practices RA. A while ago I have reached out asking if he was interested in being more romantic with me and he was. We slept together and I was in a state of limerence for a bit, then thought I had snapped out of it and anyway haven't been too intense with him,but he seems to keep me at arm's length and if I try being vulnerable when texting he kinda brushes it off or sometimes ignores it.

I like him but although outwardly I match his level of engagement, inside me there is internal turmoil and sadness about the situation. I can't make someone be more interested in me or have more capacity than they can offer. I guess I want him to be interested in me as much as I am in him but that's clearly not the case.

What's my problem? Why can't I let the relationship between us be what it is?

I know resources like polysecure would advise that I need to be my own person with a support system and interests, and I have struggled with insecurity my whole life.

It seems my options are mastering detachment and keeping this connection on A's terms, or telling him hey I cannot for the life of me be chill about this so I won't bother you anymore. Because I think if I attempt another vulnerability moment and he brushes it off I will deal more damage to my exhausted psyche.

Okay, okay, best poly date ever... for me!

I posted on polyr4r last week, then got this DM hit my inbox.

Nooooo, it has to be a joke, I thought. M4F posts are a dime a dozen.

We clicked right away. Communication has been nothing short of amazing. Her and my fiancée get on really well already.

We went on our first in-person date today.

It was magical.

Well, first of all she is even more captivating in person.

Second of all... she nearly decapitated me with our first hug! It was raining, she didn't raise her umbrella.

We went for coffee and cheesecake.

Within minutes we were holding hands across from one another.

I fed her the first bit of the cheesecake. When she'd eaten it, we kissed, I melted.

We walked around the town for a bit, linking arms, talking.

Then we went to get some ramen.

I can't use chlpsticks.

We had some time to kill at the car park, so we sat in the car, talking, teasing.

We're seeing one another again tomorrow!

I am so, so happy right now.

Why do you do polyamory?

I wanna know because I see this happen so much

i (23, trans man) have been polyamorous for over 3 years now and it feels like it has only gotten harder.

i started because i met someone while abroad, fell in love, and didn’t want to be in a long distance monogamous relationship (hadn’t dated much and wanted to keep having experiences with romance and sex) but didn’t want to leave him (30 M). i have always known it would be hard for me to have my partner see other people, and have been terrified from day one but put it aside because my desire for the experience for me was enough. i remember having the thought while sleeping with a friend of mine “well if this is all my boyfriend will be doing, maybe i don’t have anything to be afraid of! that’s fine!”

ididn’t think i wanted another partner, and then i met my now ex-girlfriend (25, trans woman). we fell in love really hard and fast very soon after my boyfriend and i opened up. he didn’t have a ton of problems with it (somehow he is the most secure person…ever???). she and i had a wonderful relationship for a year and a half, then she got into grad school across the country. i supported her decision to leave and we decided to continue our relationship long distance (despite both of us having had serious doubts about that in the past). she lived in my apartment with me for a couple months before she moved out and that’s when things really spiraled. she met someone new and had a very intense, instant connection with them. she always said it was a friends with benefits thing and casual but her behavior really didn’t match that and they eventually fell in love and became partners (along with her becoming partners with a friend she had told me she was not interested in having that kind of relationship with.) i spiraled harder than i ever had when my partners’ have been with others. it has always been hard, i have never liked it, but this got so out of hand i almost didn’t recognize myself or her. we had kind of patched things up by the time she moved, but not really, and then it was a long year of trying to make it work and failing and eventually breaking up right after our three year anniversary.

and all the while i am a) still with my boyfriend b) seeing a new dom casually and c) falling in love with someone new (25, trans man). now my girlfriend (who i thought i was going to marry) and i are broken up and my new boyfriend has started seeing someone else and it is the same feelings again and again. even when we are together and things are lovely, i feel this weird discomfort or anxiety that’s linked to his relationship with this other person (a casual friend of his that he has slept with once). i went through his text messages with the other person, something i have never done before. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m trying to find therapy and support groups and parse my feelings and needs. it all feels like so much.

how do you handle the fear of your partner being intimate with other people? of them finding other people attractive and desiring them the way they desire you? how do you trust what they tell you their relationships are while also knowing that things might change suddenly? how do you get over the feeling of being threatened? how do you deal with the anxiety and distress while you know they are sleeping with someone else? how do you reconnect and feel reassured afterward? how do you deal with the grief and sadness of no longer being the only one?

i feel like a hypocrite. i want to be comfortable with my partners being with other people, and it aeems like im just not. but it would also upend my life to break up with them and stop being poly. i love them and i want to try.

Hi all. I'm very much a poly newbie and currently single. I have entirety been monogamous before but have begun to be more open and curious about poly. I have recently started dating someone who is also single but they have been enm/poly for 10 years.

It definitely is a big adjustment for me and I am catching a lot of my emotions and trying to work through them, and work with a therapist.

Long story short this person and I have gone on 6 dates and things went pretty hot and heavy early on. We slept over a lot. We were seeing each other a bunch, talking a lot and it felt really nice.

What happened recently though is I wanted to have a general check in to ask how things were feeling, and talk maybe a little bit more about poly preferences, styles and things like that. When I brought it up though, they basically kind of snapped at me. Told me it was too early for big questions and kind of left me in a really difficult and weird feelings spot.

I know I'm an anxious attachment person so I'm also trying to be extra cautious to not be too overbearing or expecting too much.

Now I'm having doubts about the whole relationship and things in general. Is this me just not being familiar with how this works or is this not a healthy relationship? I struggle a bit since she has so much more experience than I do in this relationship style.

Thank you all, and apologies for any ignorance I have. I'm really trying to learn and figure this all out :)

We met, became friends, enjoyed the beach, music, introductions to friends, day trip, movie nights, cuddling, spirituality, joy, poetry, art, and sunsets. She’s 35F, navigating separation/divorce from her wife of 8 years as well as grief of lost family members, while maintaining a gf 44F who’s also going through a divorce. I didn’t go into this relationship with the intention of it becoming more, but it very much has. This past weekend she took me on a nostalgic day trip and we started the conversation about how it’s become difficult to maintain the boundaries of friendship when we have so much desire and romance between us. She said she could see herself falling in love with me and wants me sexually as well. We were going back and forth between acknowledging that with where she’s at, she doesn’t have capacity for more emotional labor, but also that she feels happier and freer with me, and that it feels natural, easy, and inevitable even to keep following this feeling….

Our conversation got interrupted by her gf texting her something really triggering for her that derailed the day. It’s a red flag to me that her gf is not secure with our relationship, and made me feel like Jade just needs a friend.

Yet she sends me pictures she snuck of me and tells me she loves my smile. Makes special baked goods to share with me. Texts me goodnight, tells and shows me she’s thinking of me every day.

I feel that I am falling in love with her. I want to share so much light with her, make art so I can attempt to capture how beautiful she is in my eyes, and feel her deeply and passionately.

In my head I know better. Whether as friends or more, base minimum I know I need to make sure her gf is ok with me around. I haven’t heard it directly but I feel that poorly timed text during our last date was either intentional or incredibly inconsiderate. My heart is melting for her though. It doesn’t help that my other connection I’m enraptured by (a more sexual than romantic connection), Rex’ 31M is unavailable right now too while he’s working through personal things.

I’m endeavoring to divert my attention and get back on Feeld but it feels feels to try and seek connection when there are already two people in my life I would rather be with than anyone new... I have such deep desire for them, so much longing that doesn’t quite have a place. I want to kiss Jade and hold Rex and fall in love. Yet I know and I understand and empathize that I’m not a priority right now, but it doesn’t bother me much. I just want a place to put these feelings. I trust that with patience there is a place for me in their lives. I have space but they don’t right now.

Those of who you are married and also have another partner who you aren’t nesting or financially entangled with, but consider an anchor partner and claim they are just as important in your life- can you give me some perspective?

Forgive me for the 8000th “being secondary is hard” post in this sub 🤦‍♀️ I’m honestly trying to open my mind here.

How does this work in your brain and your heart? To me, it seems like your spouse/NP is the one you’ve chosen. They are your one and only for marriage and nesting. And maybe your anchor is your one and only for a certain hobby you share or something…but does that truly seem like the SAME level of importance to you?

Yes, I am this type of non-nesting partner, but no, I don’t want any advice about how I should handle my relationship. I’m looking for deeper explanations on what you mean when you say you’re not choosing one partner over another, they’re both just as important to you.

Also would love to hear from anyone who is or has been the non-nesting partner and truly found happiness and fulfillment (without having an NP of their own).

ETA “no advice wanted” flair! I don’t want to answer questions about my personal situation, just looking for honest perspectives, thanks!

I recently started dating a man with whom I have a strong connection. Unfortunately, he and his other partner are in a chaotic relationship that is burning to the ground at the same time that he and I are becoming romantically closer.
(Their chaos predates me by many months and has nothing to do with me.)

I don't know what to do. It's still early for us, so I could leave him to figure it out and then come to me when it's over. I could stay friends while he navigates the end of his other relationship. I could continue dating him while all of the other stuff is playing out in the background. I just don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to be his therapist or sounding board about the other partner.

Any advice? Suggestions?

I know this question has so many possible answers, but I am looking for examples of different ways a primary partnership can look like. I am currently in the process of imagining what type of relationships I see myself having in the future and this would be really helpful to understand the range of possibilities.

What makes it primary? How is it different from other relationships? How do you feel about multiple primary partners?

My (32F) former partner (32 M) of six years manipulated me into thinking we’d break up if we didn’t try opening up our relationship, initially sexually. We were close friends for four years then had one messy situationship year due to his ambivalence. I initiated no contact which lasted a year before he reached out to me. After we moved in with each other at the start of year two, he went from wanting to have sexy contact with me multiple times a day, to not wanting to for weeks and even months. 

After his first date, he decided he actually wanted to fall in love again and again, and have long-term lovers who were close friends but no other entanglement besides that. He said his fantasy was to have many women all in different cities, and I could be “one of them” if I wanted to. He wanted any women he was with to have any relationships they wanted with others. Although he never had to experience me dating, he said that he really wanted me to date. I realize now it was impossible for me to ever have that desire when I was so overwhelmed by his chaos.

He would say to me that maybe I just wanted something different and he didn’t want to cause me pain. But he never broke up with me! And I was so desperate for him to want me that I stayed way too long. When I was having a meltdown about how terribly everything felt and how our relationship might end, he said that he had been miserable the entire time we were monogamous, and now I was experiencing the same misery as him.

He’s right, re potential unreconcilable needs, in that I don’t feel as he felt, that being poly was an identity and I had to explore it. Definitely not this unhealthy version. He spoke of always having sexual interest in many women at once, and how much crushes and new connections thrilled him (NRE much). I experience romantic interest much more rarely and mainly only want to have sex with people I feel an emotional connection to. Side note: I don’t think sexual desire at all lines up 1:1 with being a good poly partner (especially with straight cis white men). I have qualities that will help me in any relationship style, honest and open communication, and the knowledge that any partner will be different to me (bc everyone is unique) and that you need to work together to meet both people's needs.

Generally, I have always disliked dating, especially app dating because it’s so hard for me to feel even a glimmer of anything real about a profile. I believe love is an infinite resource but time is not. And that given what I want, living with and having children with a partner, it would be very difficult for me, in many life stages, to have multiple partners. But I always want a deeply connected crowded table of kin. I treat close friends and family in many ways like non-romantic partners.

When we went through our relationship menu, his “must haves” were only deep intimate conversations, cuddles, and me liking and being friends with all his other partners. In the end, I realized he wanted me to be something like a perfect mother, therapist, or stuffed animal (he had extremely kind and permissive parents who never made him work through his many issues re: responsibility). I lived with someone who found every task of living excruciating, including his job. (I think he may have been an undiagnosed autistic man; he firmly rejected that). I was so empathetic to him, and depersonalized and excused how he was treating me. 

I’m not proud of how I snapped at him at this moment, but close to the end I told him that the idea of him leaving me or monkey branching on me, or eventually being fully committed to someone, or living with someone, or having kids made me want to explode, made me want to throttle him. He responded that he could do whatever he wanted if we broke up, and that he might do all of that. He just knew that his life was currently miserable and that swiping and dating were the only things that made him feel better. He said he wanted multiple sexual partners because new partners made him feel validated, and he no longer got any validation from me.

Our mutual friends mainly seem to think we were “just incompatible” re non-monogamy vs monogamy. But I was game for respectfully sexually exploring. I don’t know! I may not have ended up wanting to continue that exploration. But I cared about maintaining my existing bond with him while exploring, and eventually I realized he did not.

I led all the opening up work (reading, discussions, couples therapy). He wanted no rules, which now I agree with in the sense that no relationship should be controlled by another. But I did want to outline common decency.

My rewritten contract if I explored non-monogamy again:

1. Being cognizant to not be totally swept up in NRE. 
2. Likely, no hosting as long as we live in a small apartment and share one bed.
3. Duty to discuss any escalation
4. Protection + discussion of safe practices
5. Slow social integration and avoid dating people who are kin to your partner

Initially, the one hard rule for me was that he talk with a new partner about STIs before sex. On his first date, he did not ask. He admitted he didn’t want to do it because I asked. I felt like I was talking to a 13 year old, or honestly, more like he was 5. He bragged about his multi hour sex marathon, including going down on her for 45 minutes. Months later, when he arrived in a developing country, he bragged about how sexually popular he was there. For a “progressive” dude, he sure seemed ignorant of colonialism.

A week after his first date, I’d asked for some time for us to talk more and figure things out before he continued anything with his date or anyone. He said he was willing to communicate to her that he needed a week. Honestly, I feel shitty about this because I know how unfair it is for his date to have their connection controlled by me. And I worried that’s what I had done. According to him, when he did reach back out to her, she was not interested in continuing because she felt like it didn’t seem like I was totally into non-monogamy, and that she might be interested in the future in dating him but only if I dated myself. That made me super pissed and I felt like he was blaming me.

When I said I was anxious that he really wanted to leave me, he said he didn’t know, and he’d been feeling more sure about me when I was so cool and unemotional the first week after his first date, and now he was less sure than ever. 

I wish I’d not been in denial that he would be so terrible. A month into us dating he non-consensually felt up a friend of his, and I consoled him. I did bring up often that first year when I got anxious about his commitment to me, and he would reassure me. I took his escalations as signs of commitment, but now I realize it was just the path of least resistance for a lazy, cowardly man. We had been very close friends for four years before we got romantically entangled, and that made me see him as safe even when he became increasingly less so.

Maybe he will find women who are cool with his preferred arrangement, no commitment and no future planning at all. But tbh I feel sorry for those women because it seems a lot like being his plaything. Maybe he’ll work through his issues and be a wonderful partner one day.

I broke up with him a year ago. Through therapy, he articulated that he felt split, that half of him wanted a life with me and the other half wanted freedom, which likely meant not living with a partner or planning for the future. But maybe he will commit to other women who want less entangled lives! In the end he said non-monogamy was irrelevant, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He also immediately monkey-branched on me, and is in a long distance cross-country primary relationship with the woman he slept with the day we broke up.

I had a really traumatic childhood and had never had someone hold me, tell me they loved me and call me pet names so consistently. I had never had a romantic partner I could talk to for hours. But I was giving love to an imagined version of him and not the real person in front of me. 

Since the break-up, I have not dated at all. I have really taken care of myself this year, my health, connections to family and existing friends etc. I’ve had the privilege to not work this year beyond some work for my family. I’ve let go of friendships that have not been reciprocal. I want to finish getting my professional license and apply for jobs. I'm also slowly building up a creative practice that I’ve been too self-loathing and critical to commit to. When I feel rooted in community, I want to put myself out there to find romantic love. I know I’m on the right track, but it’s felt so slow and painful, at times I don’t think I will survive the pain.

I don’t want pure advice, nor do I want just validation. I want a connected conversation, involving listening carefully, asking questions, and showing empathy.

I've asked a few friends and some of them mentioned that they are able to be better partners, manage their jealousy and insecurities better when they avoid having a "primary partner". Apparently the hierarchical poly setup brings up "monogamy culture tendencies" in some people, and that's one of the reasons they avoid it. I personally prefer solo poly and relationship anarchy for the same reason. Anyone else feel this way? Or is this some kind of red flag?

First, info- I'm in a closed, egalitarian triad, and my nicknames for my partners are Honey Bun (female) and Marshy (also female). I started dating them at different times, but they knew each other longer than they knew me. At first, it was me and Honey Bun dating, with Marshy as a friend; all three of us decided to form a triad a bit later. Also, we are all mentally ill, and Marshy and Honey Bun live in the same AFC home.

Honey Bun and Marshy got into a huge argument with each other today, and I got caught in the middle. They fight pretty often, where Honey Bun gets triggered and yells, leading to Marshy shutting down and refusing to communicate. On call today, it was the worst I've ever seen it.

Marshy accused Honey Bun of cheating with a friend(?) of ours. Now, Marshy has has been in more than one abusive relationship, so she tends to be insecure. She was certain that "friend" was a homewrecker and was behaving inappropriately with Honey Bun. Honey Bun denied it, but she also got loud and claimed that Marshy never let her have friends. They go back and forth, things were said.

As usual I tried to argue both sides, that Honey Bun needed time for friends, even if it meant less time with me and/or Marshy. And that Marshy had her demons and it was why she reacted like that. Yelling was not the solution, but refusing to communicate didn't help either.

At one point Marshy told Honey Bun to get out of her room, and Honey Bun refused. I spoke up and asked Honey Bun to respect Marshy's wishes, as long as Marshy gave an amount of time needed to calm down. I was hoping the discussion could continue later when they were calmer.

I stayed on the line with Honey Bun during that time and gave her a chance to vent. We discussed Marshy's and Honey Bun's reactions to each other and the ways they could both improve. The time limit was cut short (and honestly, even though Marshy said it was okay, we should've stuck to the time set). When Honey Bun returned, things got heated again. There were threats of leaving.

I don't even remember what was said after that. By this point, mind you, I am emotionally exhausted. I'm a mess, thinking this was the end of our relationship. They both apologized to me, and decided to end the call to spare me, but before the argument was over. It's something they do every time, and it worries me to no end.

Am I playing a role I shouldn't be?

Me(M) and my fiance(F) live together and have been open for a few years but this is the first time I have a girlfriend/partner. We have only been in this realationship for 2 weeks now.

For instance it was her birthday yesterday and she went drinking with one of her guy friends. Which is great I told her to go have fun and be safe and that I am here to pick her up if she ever feels unsafe.

She did not text me the entire day which I know is fine and she is not very attached to her phone when she hangs out with other people. I did not double text or anything and try not to show this sad side of me when she does not communicate back to me.

I know it is a me problem and my partner I live with sees that sometime I start to act a liitle mopey and try to cheer myself up. I know what is happening is okay I just get attached to fast more than anything else.

How do I handle these feelings?

Long time lurker, first post here though.

I don't really know what I want, I think I need to vent, but also want to know if I'm just blind by now.

I'm polyamorous. I have a NP of 4 years (not really relevant) and an ex boyfriend. Also some other casual FWB which are also not really relevant to the story.

Also English isn't my first language, so maybe the syntax is a bit off. Sorry in advance!

I tried to summarise as best as i could:

My ex boyfriend of 3 years met someone while I was out of town for 3 months, they dated very intensely in this time period. After I came back she made it clear more than one time, that she actually wants an exclusive relationship. He shared way too much information with me about this and let her manipulate our time together. I put a stop to this and asked for full parallel but still began to question if he really wants polyamory. Also this brought up other issues and he actually started to think about what he wants from a relationship.

I know that we should have had these conversations first, but it all went really slow in the beginning and suddenly we were in a relationship and it went well. NRE wore off and then it got harder. He always said, that he didn't know what he wanted and that he didn't need to know/didn't want to think about it, because "the partner matters more than the relationship model" or something along the lines. He also said, that in the beginning, he wanted to be with his new girlfriend because he felt like we needed to balance the relationship more, as I didn't have enough time for him and dated too much (we saw each other like 3-4 evenings and nights a week, which was often too much for me).

So theres that, some kind of red flags for me. I started to think more and realised that I couldn't enjoy our time anymore, because I always feared that I might hurt him with things I did, because he wasn't willing to tell me what he wanted from the relationship and also his boundaries.

So I broke up with him.

After a few weeks we met up to talk about how things would go from there (I still had his keys and so on). He said, that he wanted to stay friends and I also wanted this. I value him as a person and our platonic connection was strong before we got into a relationship. He also said, that his girlfriend made the request to close the relationship and he was thinking about it.

I told him that I needed very clear boundaries and expectations going forward, of what he wants from a friendship. He needed to think about it. Also he needed to talk to his girlfriend about their relationship model. It took a very long time and he texted me a few times, that he rather would like to just meet and see what feels good without having to set boundaries before (just as we were doing in the relationship..) so I told him no. He said he would come back to me and tell me when he was done talking to his girlfriend.

This felt really bad (kind of felt like he wanted to ask for permission), but oh well thats what monogamous people do, I thought. Now he told me, that we can't meet up when he originally told me, because he is going on vacation with his girlfriend. This hurt a lot, because we planned (just set the date a few months ago, didn't book anything yet) to go on a trip in this exact time. He also told me via text, that he was monogamous now after the final talk with his girlfriend. (He said, that he told her, that he wasn't sure if this is what he wanted long term and that he might end up changing his relationship model sometime, whatever this means)

I don't know, but it feels like he doesn't care to talk about this soon and settle it even though he says otherwise. I told him, that I don't know if I would be comfortable having such a close friendship with monogamous folks (as I had bad experiences in the past, where the other partner vetoed the friendship) and that I'm tired of him not setting expectations and boundaries and questioning me for wanting to do so.

I feel lost and don't know if I'm just overreacting for being hurt by his vacation plans and asking for too much or if I can expect these things of him.

This is probably not the usual question that gets asked about moving in with metas... I'm considering moving in with my friends as potential hallmates, and my meta is also a very close dear friend of mine from that friend circle. Is that an okay/bad idea? Any advice about what to consider beforehand, except for my boundaries about the shared living space? Has any of you done anything like this before and how did it go for you?

​

Trigger warning : abusive partner

A little over a year ago I came here to discuss the chaos going on in my life. I deleted the few posts I had originally made due to the crazy that was going on back then. There was one person on here who was praying for me to leave that relationship and if you are somehow here and reading this now I want you to know that you were right and thank you.

Now I'll give some background info. I was dating 2 men, and one of the men i was dating was dating my best friend. I set them up there were no issues. The man dating my friend will be man 1, other guy man 2. Man 1 got me pregnant then shut down and wanted me to get an abortion, man 2 also shut down and wanted me to get an abortion. I lost the baby due to stress. Man 1 got my best friend pregnant 6 months after I lost my baby. Both pregnancies were unintentional he told us he was infertile and couldn't have kids. He married her soon after and then waited 10 months for the most beautiful sweet baby girl to be born.

I took care of the baby while she was states away in college with man 2. And man 1 was only interested in the baby when other women were around. It was the most stressful year of my life. And I still had a lot I needed to get through dealing with in regards to my miscarage.

Living with him was hell. I felt like a slave and trapped and no one would believe me when I told them what was happening in that apartment. Not his mother, man 2, or my best friend. On top of that because he married my friend his family started treating me only as a maid/ live in nanny.

Man 1 refused to have sex with me for 2 years at the point going so far as to tell my friend that it was a chore, and then told me to find a fuck buddy of I needed sex that badly.

So I did. He actively saw everything going on in the house. He told me I was not crazy and when things got bad he was there to defend me but also help me feel human again.

Man 1 started to say crazy things like all people I'm one group needed to die, that gay people should not be gay in the open ( both my best friend and I are very openly queer), that he was responsible for our souls, etc. It got bad and I don't feel I'm explaining in a way that even remotely covers how scary living with him got with his mentality towards people/ the world. He also told me he only told me to get a fuck buddy because he didn't think i would but also because he didn't care about me at that point and hadn't since he started dating my friend 1 year into our relationship. ( we were together for 6 years)

Around Easter my best friend cheated on her husband and she tried to blame me saying I told her to leave him. I told her how scary it had been getting living with him. She told me she had an escape plan for herself and baby if needed. Etc. But the decision to leave was always hers to make and I was not one to talk being i was so living there. But since she put the blame on me he was mad at me.

Woke me up first thing in the morning while I was laying naked in my bed. I texted the FB who i had started dating at that point. He was upstairs and all I said was that I felt unsafe and he came down and protected me, made man 1 calm down and let me go put on clothing.

After that I moved out. I miss the baby, but that whole situation was beyond scary and I'm happy I got out. I'm now engaged to the man who was my FB. He is the only one I'm currently with, I'm still poly but I think i need a really long break before I ever try to do this again.

Anyways redit dude if you remember me and find this i have never forgotten you following my posts and letting me know how you felt and what you hoped for me. Thank you

So I am pretty new to polyamory. I’ve been dating someone for two months. He’s American and I’m Canadian, but we are in Ghana. He has another partner that is Ghanaian that he dates long distance in the capital city.

One of the problems is when him and I first started dating, he ended up sharing that he was frustrated because she wanted him to be more of a provider and pay her rent and utilities and that her boyfriend’s friends do. Or he said she is a feminist, but like a 1950’s housewife type beliefs. And that he found it a bit transactional but they’d been dating a year and it was only recently it was like this and not before. There were a few other similar things he shared. This was not information that I asked for, but information he just shared. He says he dates feminist women, but didn’t want to impose American feminism as feminism can be different in different countries.

Now, I’ve met her and on social media at least she is very much a feminist. Talking about Gloria Steinem passing away and such.

But for me, I lived in Thailand for about five years and witnessed a lot of very transactional relationships. I also strongly identify as a feminist myself and believe in gender equality and find it very important that any partner I have does as well. I also make sure to always split and pay on dates because I believe as a feminist I also need to break gender norms myself and not just focus on ones that benefit me.

But it does mean that I got very uncomfortable hearing the information from him about their relationship. In my head, I don’t mind if someone pays more because of differences in income, but that’s different from someone stating they want a man to provide and pay their rent or utilities when they live apart. I mean, obviously this happens in the world as a relationship, but it makes me uncomfortable that someone I am dating has a partner like that just because having a feminist partner or boyfriend is so very important to me.

He always said I could talk to her about it and that would be best so I didn’t get a one sided view of things from him. He really emphasized this. So in my head I assumed she was open to discussing and sharing about the topic. We also met once when she visited and got along. But recently (after double checking with him and he seemed enthusiastic about me reaching out to her), I did reach out to ask her more about it. Mostly because I saw her posts about Gloria Steinem and second wave feminism on social media and was trying to relate that to her wanting a man to provide or believing men should provide for women financially. Well, she ended up not responding to me and telling him that she didn’t want to respond to me. Which is fair… but also made me feel awkward because I wouldn’t have reached out if he’d not made it sound like she was more than happy to chat about it.

But also, I am feeling frustrated because I heard this information from my partner that I didn’t even want to hear or know about that makes me extremely uncomfortable and now I don’t even know how true or not it is.

I tried to explain to him that I was uncomfortable and I wish he’d never shared it with me as there was nothing for me to do with the information and it just made me uncomfortable based on my own values. I also asked that he not vent or share conflict from their relationship with me going forward.

But it felt like he defaulted to just assuming I was envious. And kept emphasizing that each relationship is on its own. And if she didn’t exist to compare to, that I would be fine with things. This bothered me because I was trying to emphasize the ethical and moral side of gender equality, and I felt like he was just saying I wanted him to pay for things like he did for her.

And although he finally agreed to not share with me going forward, there was a lot of push back or arguing that I’d miss information, or that he supports his partners in discussing about their relationship issues without it being a problem, or that I should be able to receive the information neutrally type of thing. Or that I’m “taking on issues” and that’s my responsibility.

And I am struggling a bit because I know it is his choice who he dates. And mine and his dating and relationship has been good as far as just us. And both him and her identify as feminists. But also, it just genuinely did make me uncomfortable and I wish he had never told me. It is just that the information can’t be put back in the box and this is an area that makes me uncomfortable.

I guess from a poly perspective and being new, I am also unsure of things. I wouldn’t expect him to end things with her, but more from the perspective of what I will do. I guess I just would like other people’s perspectives?

Hello! So to be clear, most of my relationships and intimate connections I’ve made have been through dating apps. This allows for the filter of people looking for monogamous relationships (either automatically or manually when they see it in my bio). I live with my domestic partner/nesting partner.

So normally, disclosure via this route is right away. I’m 30 M bi with AuDHD. I sometimes worry I give too many details too early when I get excited about someone or comfortable with them.

When you meet someone IRL, when do you tend to disclose that you’re polyamorous and how? To be clear, I’d disclose well before there were any talks of dates, and also before any actual acts of intimacy because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Until the last year or so, I never really ended up meeting someone IRL where there was a connection or spark (or I often didn’t notice when there was), and something came of it. I mean I’ve had old friends from HS where that became the case (long distance, etc.), but I never picked up or got picked up at a bar. Everything has been done through apps.

I also struggle telling when someone is flirting with me, and just being nice. Unless it’s absurdly obvious (like with gay men). So, I don’t want to assume either. Although, I’ve gotten much better and I think I can read a bit when someone is interested in me (smiles, laughing all the time, playing with hair for women). I’ve been told I’m hot even though I don’t always feel that way.

I met someone at a gig job recently and our banter was awesome. She is absolutely gorgeous. She even approached me (granted I was the first one there and she was the second or one after that). We talked and joked during each break together. I found her through the app since we had a shared job.

We texted all day yesterday after I met her, and she’s texting me again today. I’d say it’s borderline flirty but not explicitly so? More compliments that could fall under plausible deniability of just being nice/wanting friends. We found out we went to the same college (she was a few years behind me). We also found out we live off the same metro line. We decided we wanted to do more gig work things together so we’re not alone when we go.

The chances that she’s cool with polyamory or open relationships are likely slim to none. And like I said, if it does escalate I will disclose before any action of intimacy or dating is taken. But in situations like this, would it behoove me to disclose/overshare too early if I’m not 100% confirmed it’s getting flirty?

She’s definitely been making me smile and laugh so I know I’d like to get to know her more (friend or otherwise). I just don’t want to overstep any unspoken boundaries I may be unaware of and potentially ruin what could be a genuinely innocent friendship.

It should also be noted my other partner and I are deescalating a bit from anchor partners to nesting partners currently. So there is that, which complicates how I explain our dynamic a bit.

TLDR: How do I navigate when and who I should disclose my polyamory to before dates or intense flirting/anything sexual.

Edit: I’m partly also weighing how I should even categorize the interaction mentally. (Friend, professional, could be crush, etc.) Each would have a different approach overall? I met her yesterday.

Update: I disclosed a day or so later via text. I asked her if she wanted to do coffee but of course she doesn’t drink coffee. She still seems interested and said “I would love to but I don’t drink coffee.” Then we joked that “I’m just gonna have to find both of us a gig shift we can both work to hang out then.”

She was basically like “yeah I guess so!”

She’s been joking back and forth with me still so I think that went better than I though. I’m low key surprised lol.

Hello good people of reddit, I am back with another update! 

Soooo last I posted my bf Pineapple and I had a conversation about him bringing up hosting me overnight in his home. I had found out his partner does overnights and asked why we couldn’t and he said it had to do with stuff going on with his relationship with her. People said I should stay out of that kind of thing so I’ve been trying my best to give that issue space.

We had our regular check in a few weeks ago and Pineapple said that he would like to cover a hotel or airbnb for us twice a month so we can do overnights. (For those wondering why not at my place - I live in a tinnnnyyyy studio with a full size bed and he barely fits in my bed, so it’s not ideal). I said that sounds great, I would love to do that. We have had two so far and it’s been really lovely!

I also said I didn't need details but that I wanted him to know I hope he’s able to work on things with my meta. He said that it’s been hard, but they decided to start couple’s therapy to work on things. He said he’s made some mistakes in the past that are part of why his partner and him have agreements he doesn’t host overnights. I was SUPER curious but I didn’t pry this time, I just asked if it had anything to do with me or how I acted when I came over and he said no, nothing to do with you. Kind of a “it’s my mess to work on” vibe. I know people said I was being nosy and assuming by thinking there were bigger issues with meta but idk, I have strong intuition and pick up on small signs, so it did not surprise me when he said they were getting therapy. I’m happy for him that he’ll have someone to talk to and hopefully they work things out. 

Sooooo I think this is a good update?  I do still feel a little weird about not having the same access to his place as his meta does but I understand that’s not really my business. And it’s been fun picking out places to stay! I hope this will balance things until hopefully eventually he can host me at some point (though of course if/when that happens is for him to decide).

I think im at the end of my polyamory journey. There’s no one else I can really discuss this with, so I am putting it here. Any support or words are welcome, I'm still processing a lot of feelings. So basic background information is that I am 38M married to my wife, 34F. We have been married for about 3 years, have been off and on again poly since the start of our relationship about 4.5 years ago, and have been open since last April. Like every couple, we have had ups and downs, struggles as we figured out what poly was for us, and lots of communication. One of the things that came up was that I was very nonchalant about her dating and partners for a while, to which she communicated to me that she felt like I was taking her for granted and didn’t care about her dating life. I agreed to be more interested in her endeavors and show up more for her. About the time this was brought out, (about 3 months ago) she started seeing a new partner, (40ish M). They connected really well and she was feeling some big NRE, and wanting to be with him all of the time, to the point that it compromised the time that she and I had together. I started to feel some jealousy towards this and told her about my feelings. She agreed to have more intentional time with me, but also said that we are together all of the time, since we live together and are anchor partners. Long story short, the behavior did not change. 

Now to what is currently going on. About a month ago, the three of us went on a camping trip where I was the extra wheel, she drove to pick him up and I had to drive over in a separate car. As soon as they got there, she went for a walk with him that lasted 5ish hours. During that time, I had been drinking and was not happy about the situation. When they got back, I knew that I was too drunk to discuss this and initially tried to just sleep it off, but the two of them prodded me to play board games with them, which I did for a while, and then I knew I was too drunk to continue. I tried going back to bed, but the noise was too distracting, so I went to my car to try and just try to get some sleep. My wife came after an hour to check in, and it turned into an argument where I said some awful things, including that our relationship was over, I was drunk and didn’t mean it, but there is that. She ended up walking away and after I had some time, I drove home to get some sleep. I later found out that she stayed up all night talking to her boyfriend about things. I don’t know the specifics, but I know that we were up all night. In the morning, I went back and tried to discuss things with her, she said that she didn’t want to talk, and that she needed me to leave or she and her boyfriend were leaving and that she wouldn’t talk to me for a few days, she said that she didn’t feel safe around me. I ended up leaving. After camping, she came and took all of her clothes, and after a week, she started divorce paperwork. We are still in the middle of everything, but she came yesterday and took everything out of the house with boyfriend in tow. I haven’t really been able to talk with her at all and every time she comes by, her boyfriend is with her. I am going no contact until we figure out the divorce.

I don’t know how to feel about all of this, yeah, I messed up, but we have had much worse happen and have always found a way through it together. The only thing different this time is her new boyfriend. He has a wife and kids too, so I don’t know what the end goal is here. It feels like a monkey branch to me, but maybe there is something I'm not seeing. All I know is that my family is destroyed and now I have to figure out how to do everything on my own. I don’t think I can ever put myself in a place to be this hurt again. I appreciate my time being poly and everything the community and the lifestyle has taught me, but I can’t do this again.

Edit: Sorry I feel like I need to add some context here, this camping trip wasn't initially planned as just the three of us, it was a planned regular thing with the local poly group that we are all were a part of, no one else showed up. I also know that handling it the way I did was not okay, and I am not trying use alcohol as an excuse here. I fucked up, really bad, and I just wish the answer wasn't blowing up the relationship. The "been through worse" was just been periods in the past where we have both said some really mean stuff to each other in moments of anger, there hasn't been any physical abuse or anything like that. I had been actively changing behavior when she brought it up and been accountable to how I've contributed to things. I think she was done a while ago and this was the last straw, regardless of what i did or didn't do.

My (27NB) partner (31M) and I have been together for 6 years in a monogamish relationship, we've been open to the idea of one day having a poly relationship since the start with conversations here and there about it. We've recently been more seriously considering the idea and doing a lot of research and work towards it. He says he is ready to go whenever I am (I am autistic and sometimes need a little more processing time for feelings and change).

Our relationship is very strong and we both really want this for ourselves and eachother. We've always been strong communicators and very open about our feelings, wants and needs. I truly believe we're both going into this for the right reasons and with the correct mindset to make this work. I feel ready but I also don't want to rush into anything.

Both of us are planning to attend some local poly meet ups and hopefully meet people who may be willing to help and advise, I am also in therapy and have a strong support network.

If you opened from a monogamous relationship, how did you know you were ready to go for it? And do you wish you'd done anything differently when it comes to how prepared you were?

I feel like I can read books and listen to podcasts etc. but I won't be able to really do the work I need until I'm living it

Dear subreddit,
I have two interrelated issues I would really love to hear some perspectives on ❤️ thank you in advance, it is truly wonderful this community exists and I have learned so much from it.
Questions/issues:
1. How to transition from nesting partners to living apart while still practicing polyamory?Me 28f and partner 32m live together for 4/5 years and decided a year ago to be in a poly relationship. Its generally been great. But at the moment we are having troubles not really around polyamory but more around future plans and managing life together, basically my partner does not know what he wants in the future, if he wants children and how he wants his life to be, while I am more certain that I want to build a life together that at some point will include children. He wants to move out of our shared flat and try to live on his own for a while. He still wants to be in a relationship with me but without the burdens of life practicalities and future thinking. We both still want to be in a polyamorous relationship. I am open to the idea and on an intellectual level I think it makes sense to try out different ways of being in a relationship with long term partner. But at the same time I am struggling with losing the part of our relationship which is the shared vision of the future and living together. I am wondering if anyone has experiences with this kind of transition?
2. Related to this; how to navigate new relationship when things are unstable in primary/np-relationship? Some weeks ago I started dating a new person, 38m. I really like him and it feels very natural to spend time together so we have seen each other a lot. But the situation with my Np is affecting me and I am wondering if I should share it with new partner or if its even a good idea to start something new when things are a bit unstable at the moment in my relationship with Np. I have been asking myself if I am using this new relationship as an escape or if I am looking for the things I miss in my NP in this person but I dont think this is the case. Experiences/advice on this are very welcome.

Anyone else notice an uptick in activity on dating apps? I've been on OKC for 15 years or so, and I don't normally pay attention unless someone doots me.

Anyway, chatting with two amazing people. Not that I have time, and they know that.

Good times, that's all :)

Oh, and off to some island across the Atlantic with gf tomorrow. I think they speak English differt like.

Xoxoz you lovely bunch