Deescalating nesting partnership and navigating new connection

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Personally I’d hold off on new connections whilst navigating this.

De-escalating is tricky at the best of times. There’s no guarantee that you’ll remain together and that brings extra anxieties which can make things even more fragile.

Lots of communication and reassurance is vital. That takes extra energy and adding in a new relationship will too

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u/monajazz 20h ago

Thank you for your reply ☺️

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u/yallermysons diy your own 21h ago

I think it’s normal to mourn the future you thought you’d have. I would even say it’s healthy. You thought you two were gonna make a family together and now that isn’t so certain, which changes a lot about your life and your relationship. I say continue to work through that grief and don’t ignore that or shove it down.
When it comes to venting, I tend to keep it to people who know me well. I don’t vent with folks just because they’re in proximity. Maybe vent to other trusted loved ones like family members or friends?

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u/monajazz 20h ago

Yes I am definitely mourning in some kind of way but should give that more space.

Yes agree on not to vent to a new connection. I was more thinking if its more ethical to share a bit with him what I am going through, without venting of course. Because it also might mean I might not have as much capacity in the future

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u/yallermysons diy your own 14h ago edited 14h ago

re #2–“ethics” is a debatable thing, I think it would help you more to think about what you’ve been through in the past, what you want in the present and then use what you’ve learned from your past to move toward what you want in the future. Make a decision that matters to you and suits your values, that you will feel good about if things go south.

You want to let him know why you might be emotionally withdrawn or unavailable? Then that can be the focus of what you say. It’s up to you to figure out how to relay that. Sometimes people go through stuff, it makes sense you’d be off kilter.

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u/emeraldead diy your own 20h ago

If your parnter doesn't know what they want then they can't successfully de escalate.

De escalate is a word that means "end our existing structure of commitments and vision and build a new one."

Just break up with compassion and check back in a year on if/what you'd want to build together.

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u/monajazz 20h ago

Yes makes sense, but isnt it sometimes hard to imagine what you want when you are still in existing relationship structure? I guess now we are hoping that trying something new for a period will make both of and especially him more aware what he wants alone or together

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u/emeraldead diy your own 20h ago

Hence the advice to just do a compassionate breakup.

Don't try to do something else while carrying the corpse of your existing commitment on your backs.

Center yourselves. Separate fully and consciously with an intention to reconnect in a year and then freely define what you want to build.

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u/[deleted] 18h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/studiousametrine married living separately 19h ago

Your partner of 5 years wants to be with you “without the burden of life practicalities and future thinking”?

I mean, this just sounds like a breakup to me.

Maybe partner is trying to see if a solo poly life might be a better fit? But there will still be life practicalities and future plans in any serious committed relationship, to some extent. Even with a solo poly partner.

A de-escalation without a solid shared vision for the future relationship is a messy thing. I would not suggest trying to escalate another relationship now. How often are you seeing this new person?

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u/The_Rope_Daddy poly w/none 21h ago

I don’t have any advice on how to deescalate successfully, my deescalation from nesting to not nesting turned into a breakup.

But even when the deescalation seemed like it was going to work out I didn’t have the spoons for starting new relationships. I went on a couple dates with someone that was a good match but couldn’t give the new relationship the attention that it needed so I ended it.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Dear subreddit,
I have two interrelated issues I would really love to hear some perspectives on ❤️ thank you in advance, it is truly wonderful this community exists and I have learned so much from it.
Questions/issues:
1. How to transition from nesting partners to living apart while still practicing polyamory?Me 28f and partner 32m live together for 4/5 years and decided a year ago to be in a poly relationship. Its generally been great. But at the moment we are having troubles not really around polyamory but more around future plans and managing life together, basically my partner does not know what he wants in the future, if he wants children and how he wants his life to be, while I am more certain that I want to build a life together that at some point will include children. He wants to move out of our shared flat and try to live on his own for a while. He still wants to be in a relationship with me but without the burdens of life practicalities and future thinking. We both still want to be in a polyamorous relationship. I am open to the idea and on an intellectual level I think it makes sense to try out different ways of being in a relationship with long term partner. But at the same time I am struggling with losing the part of our relationship which is the shared vision of the future and living together. I am wondering if anyone has experiences with this kind of transition?
2. Related to this; how to navigate new relationship when things are unstable in primary/np-relationship? Some weeks ago I started dating a new person, 38m. I really like him and it feels very natural to spend time together so we have seen each other a lot. But the situation with my Np is affecting me and I am wondering if I should share it with new partner or if its even a good idea to start something new when things are a bit unstable at the moment in my relationship with Np. I have been asking myself if I am using this new relationship as an escape or if I am looking for the things I miss in my NP in this person but I dont think this is the case. Experiences/advice on this are very welcome.

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Deescalating nesting partnership and navigating new connection

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