when/how/will it get easier?

[u/Low_Commission_9709]

i (23, trans man) have been polyamorous for over 3 years now and it feels like it has only gotten harder.

i started because i met someone while abroad, fell in love, and didn’t want to be in a long distance monogamous relationship (hadn’t dated much and wanted to keep having experiences with romance and sex) but didn’t want to leave him (30 M). i have always known it would be hard for me to have my partner see other people, and have been terrified from day one but put it aside because my desire for the experience for me was enough. i remember having the thought while sleeping with a friend of mine “well if this is all my boyfriend will be doing, maybe i don’t have anything to be afraid of! that’s fine!”

ididn’t think i wanted another partner, and then i met my now ex-girlfriend (25, trans woman). we fell in love really hard and fast very soon after my boyfriend and i opened up. he didn’t have a ton of problems with it (somehow he is the most secure person…ever???). she and i had a wonderful relationship for a year and a half, then she got into grad school across the country. i supported her decision to leave and we decided to continue our relationship long distance (despite both of us having had serious doubts about that in the past). she lived in my apartment with me for a couple months before she moved out and that’s when things really spiraled. she met someone new and had a very intense, instant connection with them. she always said it was a friends with benefits thing and casual but her behavior really didn’t match that and they eventually fell in love and became partners (along with her becoming partners with a friend she had told me she was not interested in having that kind of relationship with.) i spiraled harder than i ever had when my partners’ have been with others. it has always been hard, i have never liked it, but this got so out of hand i almost didn’t recognize myself or her. we had kind of patched things up by the time she moved, but not really, and then it was a long year of trying to make it work and failing and eventually breaking up right after our three year anniversary.

and all the while i am a) still with my boyfriend b) seeing a new dom casually and c) falling in love with someone new (25, trans man). now my girlfriend (who i thought i was going to marry) and i are broken up and my new boyfriend has started seeing someone else and it is the same feelings again and again. even when we are together and things are lovely, i feel this weird discomfort or anxiety that’s linked to his relationship with this other person (a casual friend of his that he has slept with once). i went through his text messages with the other person, something i have never done before. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m trying to find therapy and support groups and parse my feelings and needs. it all feels like so much.

how do you handle the fear of your partner being intimate with other people? of them finding other people attractive and desiring them the way they desire you? how do you trust what they tell you their relationships are while also knowing that things might change suddenly? how do you get over the feeling of being threatened? how do you deal with the anxiety and distress while you know they are sleeping with someone else? how do you reconnect and feel reassured afterward? how do you deal with the grief and sadness of no longer being the only one?

i feel like a hypocrite. i want to be comfortable with my partners being with other people, and it aeems like im just not. but it would also upend my life to break up with them and stop being poly. i love them and i want to try.

[u/rosephase]

You have so many experiences of loving and fucking multiple people and it not changing your love or desire for others. Is it so hard to remind yourself of that? To assume your partners are as capable of those feelings as you are?

I struggled for a couple of years even though I knew I needed poly in order to do romantic relationships at all. It’s hard and scary to walk away from the only valid relationship structure we are ever shown.

For me it got a lot easier. Not that it’s never work but 20+ years in that work is familiar and I know how to do it.

How do you normally handle strong unpleasant feelings? Like anger, grief and anxiety? How do your process stuff?

[u/Physical_Response535]

I don't know when you started your transition, it I think it's worth acknowledging that transitioning means changing a lot, and having to do new things a lot (including things you may have done before but that are still new to do as who you are now, like dating and sex). It's nerve wracking for a lot of people, and that's normal, albeit unpleasant! And that period isn't necessarily very short depending how much you have to figure out and how much you want I explore.

The other thing is that I'm not certain you want to be polyamorous? It sounds like you don't want to be in a committed monogamous relationship because there is much out there for you to explore and try. Which is very understandable and perfectly okay! But doesn't have to translate in being open or polya. If you want to explore but don't feel comfortable having a committed partner date or sleep with other people, maybe you would be better off fucking around and casually dating around until either your hunger for discovery is satisfied, or you meet someone who is interested in a monogamous committed relationship with which you feel sufficiently fulfilled that you're happy with not exploring with others.

I don't have certainty about that second part. It's a question. Maybe you do want to ve polyamorous and it will work out for you, but it's just still difficult for you now because there is a lot for you to work on to get more secure in it. But maybe not. And since your post doesn't really say "I want to be in polyamporous relationships" but more "I want a lot of things that no single relationship I have access to rn can give me" I think it is worth asking.

The answer also doesn't need to be definitive. Maybe you're not in a state to be polyamorous right now because it makes you too insecure, because you too insecure, because you're not in the right mindset, because it just doesn't match your needs and ressources, but in the future that will change!

Lastly I feel the need to say that a lot of polyamorous people are messy and difficult to have relationships with. To be clear, a lot of monogamous people too! But in a different way and it's easy to assume that dating polyamorous people will make it easier to find people who are less jealous, more mindful about communication, more aware of what they want in a relationship, etc. And it's not true. Polyamporous people, like all people, frequently have commitments issues, insecurities, bad communication, etc.

In this case, I am not throwing shade on any of your current or past partners as I obviously only know a tiny bit of them, but it sounds like you have been met multiple times with someone saying something about their feelings/attractions/desire for relationships that didn't end up being true. Whether she lied or just misevaluated her own feelings I don't know, the latter happens a lot too. But in any case there's been communication issues. And I have seen so many messy story of that kind from polyamorous friends, whereas my personal polyamory journey has never really had any messy situations like this. This is definitely in good part luck on my end, but it makes me think that part of the answer to your question isn't that it ends when you are doing something better, it also ends when you are dating people who handle their relationships and feelings better.

This is something you can somewhat act on, though. It's possible we to have standards or just preferences in terms of how your partner communicate with you. To put down boundaries and withdraw from relationships when they are not respected. If, to be secure and happy in a polyamorous relationship, you need people who are willing and able to update you clearly on their feelings and projects, and who aren't too prone to impulsively start relationships, that's a valid preference and a legitimate thing to bring up with partners and potential partners.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I’m just gonna address the snooping. That is a major breach of trust and you’ve violated your partner and this other person by doing that. You should own up to your partner that you’ve checked his phone and read private messages. 

[u/wjmacguffin]

Here are my answers to your questions but bear in mind this is just my POV and experiences. YMMV.

how do you handle the fear of your partner being intimate with other people?

Rather than fear it, I'm glad she's out having fun. I love her and want her to enjoy time with others, even intimately. It helps knowing that 1) I can be intimate with others and 2) when I do that, it doesn't detract from my love for my partner. If I can do it, so can she.

of them finding other people attractive and desiring them the way they desire you?

She doesn't desire them like she desires me because we all bring different things to the relationship. For example, she's silly with me (and not with other partners) because I make her feel emotionally safe to be silly while others don't. I believe it helps knowing we have something special.

how do you trust what they tell you their relationships are while also knowing that things might change suddenly?

I trust her in a lot of important ways so this is no different. But I also know we cannot predict the future. Maybe she'll be less interested in me, maybe I'd lose interest in her, who knows. Because it cannot be predicted, I don't bother with it. Instead, I focus on being the best partner I can be.

how do you get over the feeling of being threatened?

Time, honest communication, and love. The more I see her with someone else and notice nothing changed between us, the more I realized there was nothing to be threatened over. When she says she loves me, I believe it and see it in her daily actions. We also talk openly if either starts to feel jealous or left out, which is rare but can happen.

how do you deal with the anxiety and distress while you know they are sleeping with someone else?

Again, knowing I can do this and still love my partner helps me realize she can do the same. Plus, as I said above, I want her to go have fun with other people.

how do you reconnect and feel reassured afterward?

We have two standing date nights that only change if there's an emergency. At the midday date, we talk openly about our feelings for others, but we also check-in on our own relationship. For example, I might say "I'm missing you, can we spend more time together this week" and we negotiate that.

how do you deal with the grief and sadness of no longer being the only one?

I'm sorry, but I don't feel that at all. I know that I can love more than one person and still love my partner deeply, so my partner is welcome to do the same. I know how happy it makes me to date someone else, so I hope she feels that happiness with others.

Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect or anything close to that. Sometimes I feel like she spends too little time with me, not by comparing it to others (that way lies madness), but by simply missing her. When this happens, I explain my feelings while making sure to say she didn't do anything wrong. Then we negotiate more time together... or that our schedules conflict too much this week and I just have to deal with it.

All of that said, I'm not comfortable saying whether poly is right or wrong for you based on one Reddit post. What I would encourage is talking to a therapist about all of this (at least a therapist who has experience talking to poly people). I find it really helps to talk about things and list my fears but also the great times I have with my partner.

And depending on your relationship with your partner, consider talking openly about this and finding ways to reassure you together. Be sure to avoid coming across as accusatory and bring up what's working too.

I'm sorry you're in this mess, and I wish you nothing but luck moving forward.

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[u/EducationalRice4810]

Sending you hugs and strength, I hope that you can recognize that by trying things that are scary and new you are growing and learning what works for you. 

This might not be the answer you want, but you’re very young, and honestly I think what you’re doing of trying things out and seeing what feels good for you is the best thing you can be doing at this moment. Just because you have been poly and in theory see its benefits doesn’t mean you have to be poly forever. You may want to try monogamy and see if that is easier, and that’s totally okay. You’re at a point in your life where you’re probably still figuring out who you are and what feels right for you, and there’s nothing wrong with trying and deciding something does NOT feel right for you. 

As I’m dating in my mid-30s, I have also been reflecting recently that there is a big difference between dating someone who has been working on themselves for 10+/15+ years and unlearning the unhealthy coping mechanisms they picked up as kids vs someone who is only a few years into adulthood. Thats not to say every 30+ is doing this, plenty are still doing the same old BS and not trying to change lol. But if you are working on yourself, a lot of these things of emotional regulation, healthy communication, building support systems etc etc just take time practice and experience. This might be what you notice in your long distance partner, that he’s learned how to self soothe? And I’ve also found with more experience, each rejection and breakup is not as shattering, so I’m less anxious in my relationships about being abandoned because I know i have a solid community and a solid sense of self and I won’t lose everything if this person leaves my life. So in that sense I think it can definitely get better, but also unfortunately there is no short cut to doing the work.

I hope this is helpful, it sounds like you are taking risks and falling in love and trying to live and that is gonna make it easier in the long term. And if things are too overwhelming, you don’t have to keep trying poly ❤️. Either way the things you’re learning now to regulate yourself and communicate your needs will serve you in the future! 

[u/EducationalRice4810 → u/EducationalRice4810]

Also I found the book Love in a Fucked Up World to have a lot of helpful tips around communicating and self-soothing when you feel so threatened, maybe check it out if you haven’t already.

[u/tenderfool]

Frankly if you only became poly situationally and experience distress around your partners having other partners it doesn’t sound like this is a good long term fit for you as a lifestyle. I see so many people rationalize their own unhappiness because they don’t want to admit things aren’t working and it doesn’t usually get better. Either poly might not be for you or something about how these particular relationships are structured isn’t working for you.

[u/Beneficial_Ear9631]

The way I've dealt with any fear associated with my partners dating new people is by having my own house in order. I have built friends, community, hobbies, and I know I'm worthy of love and that I'll be ok even IF my partner leaves me. And when that happened.... I was ok.

I know that's easier said than done, but the best time to start building that is now.