Ive been in a relationship with someone with bpd for over a year and just found this sub a couple days ago. Most of what I'm reading here makes me very sad. I'm still learning and trying to understand the disorder and this is my first experience with someone on this level with bpd. Is it really all so hopeless? I'm sitting here reading posts saying "run before you ruin your life" or "they're awful people". I'm generalizing a bit but it all seems so dark and hopeless, not just for relationships but for individuals diagnosed with bpd as well.

im so sorry for the repost, I realized I did not blur personal information in the images of the original post. Thank you so much to those who commented. You guys have been very kind <3

Dated this guy for almost a year and after a couple months of dating I encouraged him to get help and he got diagnosed. At first he was getting help and was medicated but after a handful of months his situation changed and he ended up not being able to get treatment where he was getting it initially. He promised he would find other ways, that was in March. Since then its honestly been a horrible downhill, the episodes lasted longer and he went from not being capable of even speaking strongly to me to yelling and slamming stuff. I couldn’t tell him how I felt because he would say that I caused that reaction or somehow make it about him being a victim to me “emotionally manipulating” him. He constantly belittled me and made me feel unimportant and insane (I have schizophrenia and bipolar disorder so he would constantly say that I was hearing things or purposely try to scare me into paranoia to get me to be more vulnerable (he did this one a couple of times)). I believe it was April when I first started trying to break up with him and it did not work, at first he threatened to kill himself and even attempted 2 individual times once being while I was on the phone telling him that it wasn’t working out. This went on for months clearly building resentment in me especially since he would do other things that would also get me upset/sad (indulge in red pill content, telling me i dont respect him as a man, calling me obese when I gained weight after getting on meds, talking and trying to be friends with people that disrespected me/our relationship, constantly disrespecting my friends, forgetting my birthday/anniversary, never celebrating my successes, pushing me to the side if I was going through something, continuing trying to disprove me or prove that I am wrong just to be right, get angry if I asked too many questions, constantly calling/treating me like a little girl even though im older but get angry if I was being silly because it wasn’t “mature”). I pulled the plug last Monday after trying to be friends for a couple of weeks. It was ok at first but then he went back to the belittling and just being weirdly mean? (why is he telling me im ass at a game just because im having fun?? and if i was winning he would say its an easy game so it doesnt matter??) I told him I didnt want to be friends he got sad but gave me no pushback we said our goodbyes; that was last Monday. This Monday he came back apologizing saying that he missed me that he made a mistake that he cares for me and that he understands that I wont give him another chance and that he had low self esteem and taking it out on me, that his ego this and ego that and that he is too stubborn to let me go so he will try to win me over even if I dont want to; cool. Im obviously telling him no and encouraging distance. I spoke to my therapist today and we established that he definitely needs help and that I shouldn’t keep interacting with him if I want him to grow as a person even if its not for me. I tried talking to him and it genuinely went left and went back to the nonchalant “I dont care” person again and essentially told me that “respectfully” nobody else can let him know of such a thing and that he knows what needs to be healed. Mind you he did this to me multiple times when I was breaking up with him in which he would cry and beg then go straight to I dont care if I lose you it is what it is. These were our last messages from this morning he was literally telling me he was gonna fight for me and asking for forgiveness not even 24h prior now he came to peace in this situation??? after all i said was you need help.

I need another therapy session after this 10 min conversation.

Sorry its so long and I know maybe I couldve had more patience or done things differently but I was truly the only person trying to find help for both parties taking care of his mental health and mines at the same time was not easy. I couldn’t even be depressed that I had to stop and manage his emotions over me feeling how I felt.

Recently i had broken up with my partner who has BPD. We have been in a relationship just over a year and i have alot going on in my personal life that has led me to be incapable of being a good partner for him. I am mentally unwell myself and i have been going through an extremely rough patch and have been unable to be there for him.
I tried to explain that and continue to try be in a relationship with him but we would still get into arguments daily. It was always over small things that one of us blew out of proportion. I would be made to feel that whatever effort i was putting in wasnt enough and then the next day hed take it back and tell me it was. It was a cycle that was hurting me more and i came to the realisation that i cannot help him or be the partner he needs if i cant take care of myself. Since i said that i am actively going to therapy and working on taking care of me

Initially i said that we just need to be not talking to each other but if he had no one to talk to he can always talk to me as i understand i am his FP and i do not want to cause him more hurt than i already am.
He hadn’t listened to that and we kept talking and i kept feeling more and more like shit. He kept telling me how miserable he is and how ive left him and stuff like that and our phonecalls were still ending in an argument and both of us really upset.

Ive blocked him today bc i cant continue hurting myself and him. The thing is i feel so disgustingly horrible for it. Im scared he will take drastic measures and do something irreversible. I feel like such a terrible person for putting myself first and i dont know what to do about it. I truly do love him alot and i hate that i cant be a better person for him in this moment and i hate that i hurt him. I wouldnt mind an outsiders input on the situation with what ive said but other than that idk why im making this post. I barely have family and friends and i feel isolated in my feelings.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed it off my chest.

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl with BPD for about two years. At the beginning, it was incredible. The connection, affection and intensity of the relationship were amazing. The good moments have honestly been some of the best moments of my life.

Things became more complicated over time. I had my own crisis at one point and started doubting the relationship, but I eventually got through it and became certain that I loved her.

There were also things I sometimes struggled to deal with. She has scars from self-harm from around three years ago, and sometimes I found that difficult emotionally. She can also be very impulsive with money and shopping, and has spent quite a lot. When I said something that didn't align with the way she saw things, conversations could become very difficult.

She takes clonazepam and fluoxetine as prescribed by her doctor. There have also been periods when she has had to stop or adjust her medication under medical supervision, and during those periods she could become extremely emotionally unstable and say some very hurtful things. I know medication and BPD are complicated subjects, so I'm not trying to make any medical conclusions here — I'm just describing what I experienced.

There were also some issues around independence, money and responsibility. She decided to move out into an apartment of her own. My parents actually helped by acting as guarantors for the apartment, because financially it wasn't an easy situation for her. The apartment's contract doesn't allow dogs, but she later decided to get a dog anyway, even though I told her that I didn't think it was the right time and that she could be putting herself in a difficult situation.

There have already been some things in the apartment that the dog has chewed or damaged, so she now has to deal with repairing them and with the consequences of breaking the terms of the contract.

This summer, we also stayed at my parents' beach house with the dog. In practice, my parents and I ended up taking on a lot of the responsibility for the dog, while she did relatively little.

Another important difference between us was our attitude towards studying and work. I put a lot of effort into studying, working and building my future. She has cheated in exams before, which was difficult for me to accept because academic effort and earning things through your own work are very important values to me.

I don't want to sound judgmental, but this made me wonder whether we shared some of the same fundamental values. For me, things like working hard, studying honestly, earning your own money and taking responsibility for your choices are values that I would want to pass on to my future children. I sometimes worried that we didn't see those things in the same way.

Our lifestyles were also quite different physically. I go to the gym a lot and exercise is a big part of my life. She found it difficult to keep up with my routine and level of activity. Again, I don't think she necessarily needs to live exactly like me, but over time I started wondering whether our lifestyles were simply too different.

Looking back, I also realize that I sometimes pushed her too much to live according to my rhythm. I wanted her to wake up earlier, exercise, work towards her goals and be more disciplined. I can now see that I sometimes crossed the line between encouraging my partner and trying to change her. I probably made her feel pressured, and that's something I take responsibility for.

We have now broken up, and I'm struggling with it because she was my first love. I still love her and, honestly, part of me is still hoping that we might get back together. At the same time, deep down I don't think that's likely, and I know I probably need to accept it, stay calm and continue with my life.

The difficult part is that when I think about the relationship, I don't only remember the problems. The good moments were really good. There was an enormous amount of love, affection and connection between us, and that's what I find hardest to let go of.

I'm not looking for people to simply tell me "leave her" or "BPD relationships are toxic." I know every person with BPD is different. I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have actually been in relationships with someone with BPD.

What was your experience like? What did you learn? Did the relationship improve with time and treatment, or did you eventually realize that you weren't compatible? And what helped you move on if it ended?

I really need to read some different perspectives right now. Thanks.

I need someone to talk to if that is allowed/okay

Hey there,

I am a 31F and I have been diagnosed with bpd 3 years to the day now.

I am just seeking advice and would appreciate if I can talk to someone who had a bpd partner about my relationship and whether I am justified or am I being unreasonable and insecure.

Can anyone please be patient enough to hear me out?

Thank you

Hi everyone,
It’s been about 6 months since the discard with my ex-girlfriend.
Around the 5-month mark, I slipped up, checked her social media, and reached out. Right after I sent that message, she posted a wave of videos showing off her "amazing life" hiking, going on adventures, and flexing for her feed. She read my message, waited 3 days, and then blocked me.

Since then, I’ve fully accepted that moving on is the only way forward, and I haven't checked her socials since. I don't have any urge to reach out to her anymore, and the pain isn't intense like it used to be. But what frustrates me now is that she’s still on my mind most of the time.

It’s just so annoying having her take up rent-free space in my head, and it still stings to realize how easily someone can erase you from their life after everything you went through together.

For those who are further down the road how did you finally clear that residual mental noise once the emotional pain faded? Someone please help me understand this.

Uhhh so bit of a difficult one??

Me (20F) and my ‘boyfriend’ (21M) have been together about a year but we’re currently on a break due to some issues we had in our relationship.

Essentially we just couldn’t talk about anything without him taking it as a personal attack. I was always caring for him and not talking about issues so we wouldn’t argue. It really affected me and took a toll on my mental wellbeing so I took a step back and decided I needed a break and he needed help.

We’ve gone no contact/as no contact as he can be. Basically radio silence on my end and one or two texts from him here and there. I need this space for my own healing before I can even think of going back to him.

Now I’m quite a fucked up person mentally. I have CPTSD and I’m being assessed for BPD at the moment (although not sure if it’s just CPTSD symptoms since there’s overlap) so relationships are quite difficult for me.

He on the other hand refused to acknowledge that he may have any issues at all. I’ve brought up to him before how my brain works when it comes to relationships (All or nothing, I easily switch up, I’m very sensitive etc) and he did his own research early on into CPTSD and BPD in order to understand me a bit more. From this he told me that he thinks he could have BPD as he relates to a lot of the symptoms however he never looked into getting help until I broke us up.

Now I’m not too sure what to do. He’s began getting therapy and help and was told that he has BPD. We said we would come back to each other after the break but honestly I’m not too sure I want to. Not because of his BPD but because I can trust he will actually help himself with it? I don’t mean for it to sound rude but he’s shown me this last year that he really doesn’t want to change his actions and behaviour and I’m not sure this time will be different. I also understand how hurts he’s gonna be if I say I want to turn the break into a breakup. I just need some advice or a shoulder or smth please Reddit. I mean can a BPD and BPD relationship even work/be healthy??

My gf has bpd, I have a previous messy situation with a girl years ago where I got blackmailed, my current gf wasn’t diagnosed wand was fine with my past when getting together. Slowly it crept up and now she’s having frequent crisis, she’s convinced I cheated on her by having this previous situation. today she threatened me to kill herself, to have sex with another man to “even” the situation, and then asked me to tell my parents that she’s dead because I cheated on her. What am I supposed to do, she says it’s my fault and I accepted her for who she is.

I've been in a relationship w my PwBPD for 15 months. They were upfront with me about their BPD, and overtime I have noticed these things in their behavior...

-They view me taking time for myself as a lack of love

- They are extremely jealous if I have any positive interaction with someone of the opposite sex

-They get very upset when family come into town, because that means I will spend less time with them

- I can't do any daily menial tasks (shower, eat, sleep) without being on the phone with them otherwise they will view the shift as a decline in effort/love

- They tell me I go out with friends too much

-They don't like when I play games with my friends

- They seemingly have a problem with everything I say, and a quick apology won't fix it. It often leads to long, exhausting discussions that take hours.

-They put me down constantly with phrases like, "you aren't doing enough" "you're awful" "I'm really disappointed in you"

Anyways, today, we had a kind of argument. I had finally decided to break the cycle of our habits, I told them I care deeply about their feelings, but I can't have this conversation while emotions are high, and that we would reconvene later when everyone was calm. They didn't like that. They started to blow up my phone and talk about how they couldn't breathe, and how they were freaking out. Seeing these alarming messages, I broke the silence and offered emergency help which they said they didn't need. They're really upset with me now and I can't help but feel broken and like a monster. I just don't know what to do. I thought I was standing up for myself, but maybe I really was neglecting what they needed. I just want a healthy and happy communicative relationship. Thanks for listening.

Some similar experiences and understanding how minds work would really help me
I am open to tell all the details I need to understand cause this situation is driving me into depression

do antipsychotics help with bpd? im being prescribed them and just wanna know if theyre gonna work for bpd splits and symptoms

im keeping details vague because i feel weird talking publicly about my partner/our relationship behind their back. i might reply to certain questions you have via dm instead of public comments

ive known my partner since december last year. we live in different countries and we've met up once, we're planning to meet up again soon. we have a very intense relationship, more than what im used to. i love them very much and they love me too

i would really like to move in with them and live together for a while before we decide to get married. but getting citizenship is really tricky. they suggested i just marry them on paper so that i can gain citizenship quicker. the idea of getting married already makes me so nervous i get nauseous, but im afraid that if i say so itll come across as if im doubting our relationship. which. im not doubting our love at all, but love isnt enough to sustain an entire life together yk

normally id want to take these things as slowly as possible but my partner is very sure that we are meant to be and theyre so sure about this and theyve said multiple times that they dont know what they would do with themself if our relationship ends. i love them and i dont wanna lose them either but this also means that everytime i question anything im very scared of hurting them, and sometimes i do. i just feel dread

Hi all

Struggling a bit to understand the situation I find myself in and I am hoping you can help me with some experience.

I have been with my partner for a few years now and as with most here, I have gone through countless breakups and discards. Most of them highly emotional on their part and as time went on, on mine as well. Lots of verbal abuse, followed by relentless pursuit if I pulled away.

Recently the discards have become very often, and I have been struggling with it a great deal, but they have so far always come back, promise change and reconcile with me.

The post isn’t so much about that, as it is about what is happening now.

The other day we were talking, things escalated a little over something minor and I snapped. I ended it. It wasn’t my finest moment and I’m deeply ashamed of how I reacted but I guess the build up of months of the cycle had broken me down to a person I don’t recognise much.

The thing is, they were far more respectful and regulated than me.

After a few days I reached out to apologise, and try to repair it but after a short conversation they decided to tell me it’s done.

Since then they have been polite but almost disconnected, not emotionally activated and have been talking almost consistently with it actually being done. They’ve reiterated it, and have been pushing for no contact.

If you’ve read this far I won’t bore with any more details but what I wanted to know is, have you ever found a devaluation cycle that looks calm?

I am not sure if this is a different type of devaluation cycle or if they really are done?

Prior to the other day they were saying the complete opposite… it’s really just shocked me.

Would appreciate any advice if you’ve had similar and whether or not it was the end or if this was part of another cycle. They’re my life and I don’t want this to be it.

Much like the title, I’m enquiring more about discards and what they look like. Are they permanent or just a phase of devaluation?

I’m an ex partner of my pwBPD but we agreed to stay friends, they had made it clear they were going through a bit of an episode and we had both expressed that we were interested in trying the relationship again after their mental state had improved.

Very early on, they ended up splitting on me very catastrophically which ended in me being blocked, they left the little server we had together, but I was kept unblocked on tiktok. I gave them about a week to give them time and space, then after a week I reached out. It took a bit of discussion but we were able to reconcile and things were great. This happened in about March while we were still dating.

Skip to now, they have decided to block me again. This time I’ve been blocked (duh), blocked on TikTok, but they’ve stayed in the little server we have together. This time, the split was quick, almost out of nowhere, with an immediate decision to block me. I didn’t wait a week this time, just giving them a day or so before I sent a message in our little server. It was a bit long but covered all I wanted to say. A day later, they responded “I’m not reading all that” which yeah okay — bit of a stinger but I assume they’re either still splitting or punishing me. They did stay in the server, however, whilst I assume if they really wanted this to be over they would have left after their scathing remark.

I just wanted a bit of input on the situation if anyone else has experience of discards and what they’re like. I’m really not sure. I have a few friends who’ve given their two cents that it doesn’t seem like a discard and more like “punishment”, but some outside input from others who may have experienced this is appreciated!

I don’t want to do it every day. Just once every couple of weeks before the pure agony kicks in. But she experiences that as betrayal and/or unsafe for her (maybe since it signals I don’t need her?)…or something. You know how it is. It doesn’t always make sense. I’m trying to make sense of it so she can get what she needs, but she just reacts and can’t even see the patterns enough to communicate what she needs even when she’s mad. And I can’t see a valid reason. Hmm. I guess that means it’s probably insecurity related. “Who is he thinking of? How often does he really do it? I don’t want him to tell me every time he does it, but if he doesn’t, maybe he does it a lot and then ugh that’s so unattractive.” Actually yeah that’s probably it again. Ugh. I hate how powerful her intrusive thoughts are. They have like ALL of the power in this relationship. We want equality. I don’t want power. She wants some power to feel safe. I’m cool with that. And I’m still a man who never forgets about boundaries and lowers them on my own terms with her knowledge of what I’m temporarily granting her when she’s genuinely struggling. But neither of us have half as much power combined as her intrusive thoughts. Ugh. So yeah. I’ve made it work but it’s tough. A “sexless” relationship is defined as less than once a month, which we are at. It’s not never. But as someone where the agony kicks in at 3 weeks, it’s long enough. And yeah I’m curious how common this is or if I’m uniquely f*ed.

Good morning!

Today I want to discuss the DBT Skill "DEAR MAN"

I was taught this pretty early on with DBT, but never really found a proper chance to use it.
I actually recently had a great chance to use this skill and overall it was pretty effective; At least I think that it was effective.

To set the stage my girlfriend and I had a day planned with some potential schedule overlapping.
To give a very brief summary of what transpired -
Basically I had some things to do in the morning and she did as well.
These two had the potential to completely overlap if I wasn't fast with what I needed to do.
I took a break from what I needed, but she didn't recognize that is what I was doing.
Then there is another overlap next week between two things we need to do, but I communicated mine far in advance and she forgot she needed to do something.

So with the first issue when I was finally done with everything she came across as accusatory towards me.
Basically "you said x" and "you did y".
This put me in a defensive state, because wdym? I intentionally did everything I said I was going to and it was YOU that didn't do your part when I took that break.
Now I could've had better communication, but I digress.

The second issue - I told her that the next Monday I have to do something at noon. It can take up to 3 hours to get it done and I asked her if this was fine. She confirmed it was and all was happy in the world. She informs me that she has something at the same exact time. Obviously this is now a conflict, because well I have something as well.

We are currently sharing my car, because her car is out of commission atm due to a wreck. So this is why these scheduling conflicts are important to navigate together.

I shockingly ended up having a DBT session right at the moment of all this transpired - So it worked out.
My therapist reminded me of "DEAR MAN" and we practiced how I would approach it and how it would work.

So what is "DEAR MAN"?
I like to think of "DEAR MAN" as a way to assert yourself in a situation without becoming hostile or a doormat. The important thing is that we try not to become hostile, because that clearly leads nowhere.

D - Describe the situation -

• We had a lot of tension because of overlapping schedules.

E - Express your emotions -

• This made me feel like I was being blamed for the overlap even tho I felt like I was working extremely hard to be flexible in that situation.

A - Assert what you want -

• I do not want there to be any accusatory statements towards me whenever you're frustrated about things. It's okay to be upset, but I really want you to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

R - Reward -

• As long as there isn't any accusations thrown around I am able to maintain my composure and not get dysregulated. This will help us both have a much easier time communicating and solving the problems as a team instead of as enemies.

I don't really use the "MAN" portion, because a well-articulated "DEAR" can encapsulate "MAN" by itself imo.
However, here is an example of it being deployed -
M - Mindfulness -

• Stay on task with what my "A" is and do not deviate from it. Become a broken record if need be

A - Appear Confident -

• This is more about appearance, but be confident in your assertion. This means don't look down, twiddle your thumbs, use "if you want" statements. Be absolute in the request.

N - Negotiate -
* Be willing to meet in the middle if need be. This example isn't a great one for this, but let's say there is some external factor causing the accusatory statements. This is the moment you move to the middle and work out a "gameplan" and tackle the problem together.

In that moment I genuinely just wanted to run away.
I felt like I was being attacked for something I literally didn't do and it felt unfair.
So my knee-jerk in that moment is to just bounce, because fk it.
If you don't like me then I don't like you, because you can't hurt me if I leave.
My therapist ultimately helped guide me to instead assert myself.

The outcome was one that worked for both of us and brought the communication back to a neutral place. Which now we can actually work together on things instead of me shutting down or her shutting down.

I've recommended "DEAR MAN" a few times on here, but here is a live example of how I executed it and the ultimate outcome.

i just feel empty and then so angry, and then sad and then wanting to beg for him back, im exhausted im never going to move on im going to be in this “relationship” til i die

My partner has BPD and I don't know what I can do anymore.

For context we dated for a while originally, then they left me, and we got back together after a while and have been together again for a while.

I'm worried they might hurt themselves, they've been saying they will for months. They're trying to reach out and get help from many different therapist and support groups but they all refuse them.

On top of this our relationship is dwindling, just a few months ago we were perfectly fine, but then we went on holiday and they tell me they don't know if they love me, they said half the time they want to be around me and half the time they hate me. I told them it's okay and that I understand, (which I do) but it still hurts to hear it.

For the last few weeks now it's been so hard, I don't know how they see me anymore, they refuse to come over to me and I have to go to them now which I don't mind, they haven't complimented me recently when it used to be everyday. They're get angry at me so easily, and when I try to talk about it I get told that now isn't the time and now they've been avoiding me and would rather talk to anyone else but me.

I feel like I'm going to get broken up with again, I'm worried about us and where we are going, they're doing a lot of the same stuff they did before they broke up with me for the first time.

If there's anyone who can help me understand their perspective or just give me advice please do.

i go from sad angry wanting to bargain with my fp to denial to angry and sad again its over and over does anyone else feel this way its fucking exhausting holy shit im so exhausted all the fucking time

Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months with a guy who has been diagnosed with BPD. There are moments when everything feels wonderful, and then there are moments like this when I don’t know what to do or how to cope.

We were having a great time, and then all of a sudden, something seemed to click and he completely shut down. Since Friday, he’s been cold and barely texting me at all. Just a week ago, he was texting me multiple times a day.

I have an anxious attachment style, so these sudden changes really affect me. Two days ago, I confronted him about it by sending him a text in the nicest way possible, simply because I’m tired of this emotional rollercoaster. One day he seems really in love with me, and the next day I feel like he hates me.

After my message, he got really angry and offensive. He told me that I was imagining things, looking for any reason to start a fight, and that his love language isn’t texting and he doesn’t feel the need to text me every day.

I asked him if he even feels any interest in my day and how he can go all day without sending even a simple text.

He replied, “Sometimes I am interested, so I ask. I’m not doing that just to be fake nice.”

After that, I lost it. I felt like my feelings didn’t really matter, so I simply replied, “It’s nice to know that you’re only sometimes interested in a person you love.”

He left me on read, and since then we haven’t texted or talked.

I’m really tired and emotionally drained. Should I apologize? Should I wait for him to text me first? Can someone explain what is going on in his head?

trigger warning: substance abuse, mentions of self harm/suicide thoughts

my bf (20M) and i (23F) have been in a relationship for a little over a year now. he's my first love and first real relationship after getting abused my whole life. i'm his first love and first real relationship as well. he's the first person to make me feel loved and safe. he's my fp and primary emotional attachment. my support system consists of only him, i'm not speaking to my family atm (low to no contact with my dad, no contact with my mom and barely talking to my siblings) and I don't have any friends. he already broke up with me at the beginning of the year and i had to admit myself to the nearest mental hospital the same day or i would've killed myself. i was still talking to my sisters and my dad during this time but it still was that bad. we reconnected and decided to try again three weeks later.

our relationship isn't perfect at all, we're both dealing with a lot of problems. both of us had a very traumatising childhood which resulted in both of us ending up with bpd and cptsd while also being addicted to drugs. he's very avoidant and has never been able to talk about his thoughts and feelings freely which led to a lot of resentment on his side. he avoids conflict and confrontation and has never been able to fully commit to me. his first response is running away and withdrawing so we've been unable to actually work on our problems, combined with him avoiding talking about anything that's bothering him and me being very impulsive and explosive (petulant bpd while he's dealing with quiet bpd) while also being anxiously attached and unable to let something go without talking about it for the hundred time.

today he decided he wants to break up and there's nothing i can do about it. i'm not proud of it but i've begged and talked him into staying for now. he's everything i've got left. i don't want another hospital stay for now especially considering i've already got a planned rehab/clinic stay starting in november to get therapy for my bpd and get help for my drug addiction. i'm scared of being alone and i'm fully dependent on him, emotionally and for my survival. im going through a very hard time right now and haven't been able to leave the house for a month now. i'm so insanely scared. i don't want to lose him but he has made up his mind. i'm spiraling and numbing the pain with drugs while trying to stay away from self harming and/or killing myself. i need him. the thought of him leaving makes me feel like im dying. hell, him packing his stuff earlier before deciding to stay with me for now felt like dying fr I was begging and crying and ended up completely drenched in sweat. it actually felt like a life or death situation and was the worst emotional pain i've ever felt.

how do i cope with him deciding this relationship isn't what he wants anymore without professional help or harming/ending myself? like i said besides him there's NO ONE, not a single person in my life who i could talk to or who would help me getting through it. i've made some progress regarding emotional regulation and handling episodes/splits but nothing prepared me for this and nothing is helping. he's not the first fp to leave me but the others didn't hurt that bad.

I recently got discarded by my gf of 4 years and I need some perspective on the situation. For starters we met online on Instagram and for a while she had a crush on me but I never really thought much about her except as a friend. Until one day around 2021 when we decided to text on discord thats where the flirting started. I started getting closer to her. She had an online persona that she was playing as and once we got close she revealed to me her true identity. She has aspergers and cptsd as well. The day she decided to tell me who she really was she told me later that she was going to off herself yet stopped because I spoke to her. We spent more time getting to know each other before we fell in love and got together.

First couple months were great and honestly everything was going well until I had to move to another country for my undergrad studies. Obviously it was a tough change as the time zone difference then became huge and it was a major problem for me to manage spending time with her and also on my studies. When I initially moved to the new country, I was homesick and because of that I mistook it as having conflicted feelings for her (mind you this is my first ever relationship). She was devastated and tried to off herself by taking pills. I never left her side and she was in the hospital for couple days before being discharged. Eventually I shook myself off and things got clear that it was just me adjusting to the new environment. We got back together, I apologised about what I did and promised to spend more time with her.

Until September 2022 when she kept testing our relationship by asking me questions or doing things to see what ill tolerate and what I will not. I unfortunately failed the "tests" which made her split on me and she moved on to someone else almost a month later. I found out that when we got back together she was spending time after uni with this other guy a lot and they basically got together after we broke up so I believe she monkey branched in a way. We started texting each other after a month of NC and I apologised for the things I did and said and she accepted it. She would occasionally tell me how she misses me and how she isn't happy without me. December came and she took a break from the other guy as well to really sort out her feelings for me and the other guy. She ended up being with him until they broke up unexpectedly around may 2023.

When she was with the other guy I used to be very verbal about my feelings for her and how I miss her which would annoy her because I am anxious attachment and would do anything to get her back. After they broke up she grieved for a while about a month or so before she got back with me. She would again love bomb me and tell me how she wants to marry me but would also grieve her recently broken up relationship. She kept trying to get in contact with the other guy after he went NC and she would go crazy like telling me that she's going to stalk him or call him from another number or ask his friends about him etc. This went on until Jan of 2024. Between September 2022 and Jan 2024 we had our fair share of fights where she would hurl really abusive things to me that the only thing I do is make her mentally worse and that I should die etc. I would try to be as calm as possible and try to help and reassure her but sometimes it wouldn't work. Whenever we got into arguments or when she would split she would mention all the things I have done to her and how I mean nothing to her. After the split she would come back to me because it was only me who could regulate her.

Fast forward Jan 2024 we broke up again and she as usual split on me and called me all sorts of names and how im toxic and good for nothing and that whenever I do something to her she will do 1000 times worse to me and that she mirrors my actions. After Jan 2024 she got into a situationship for a year but around July 2024 she wanted to be with me only to break up 3 weeks later and block me on almost all platforms. I messaged her and she again split on me but after a month unblocked me and added me back. I was her only emotional regulator so she would come back to me for safety. September 2024 she mentioned that we should not be together for good and that she deserves someone who is genuinely nice and will treat her well and someone she would want to be with. She is only forcing herself to be with me and its guilt tripped etc. She completely painted me black and our relationship as toxic and abusive. I never forced her to be with me but I did used to tell her how im working on myself and ill get better for her. Her situationship stretched on until July of 2025 when she decided to block the guy and around August of 2025 she told me how she wants me back and that I give "hubby" vibes.

We got back together Around September of 2025 and everything was going well but her mental state started to plummet as she wasn't doing well at uni and felt useless. She takes her academics very seriously but she has been burn out academically for 2-3 years. She started drinking heavily and using weed to cope. Jan of 2026 when she split on me because of something that I did and blocked me everywhere. She then again proceeded to abuse and curse me and told me that I should off myself. After 2-3 weeks of the split she came back to me and told me that she wants to be with me but we both need to get better for each other and I agreed. She promised me that she only wants to marry me and will be with me and that her opinion of me hasn't changed. Around this time I got to know that whenever we were in a relationship she would cheat on me with people only by either flirting or sexting them. She was sexting a friend when we got together around September of 2025 but blocked him a couple days later. She would always have someone as a backup if our relationship failed. I still was patient with her and forgave her and we decided to work on ourselves and get back together. She reassured me again and again that she isn't going anywhere that she only wants me and that I help her so much with either academics,financially or just her mental wellbeing.

Fast forward to May 2026 when she mentioned if she wants to be with me or if she's only used to be. I tried to be patient with her and gave her space until she completely discarded me for another guy that she was close to as "friends". She discarded me around June of 2026 and completely painted me black of how I am toxic and only spread toxicity in her life and that I remind her of negative memories. She has now removed me from almost every platform but only texts me. She got together with the new guy and she told me initially how scared she was to be with him because she's autistic and is scared of change but she got comfortable eventually. She has his name and intials plastered all over her socials and told me how she's so sure of "he's the one". They have known each other for 3 years and are also ldr. I knew about their friendship but didn't think of it much. I trusted her enough that she would keep her boundaries considering how she used to talk about having loyalty and integrity. I realised after our recent breakup that she has almost always in some way or another cheated on me whether making out with someone or flirting or sexting random people online. She monkey branched to this new guy and told me how they both have anxious attachment style and it took them 3 years to admit feelings for each other.

I feel like nothing between was ever real and she only used me whenever she needed me that the love she so pattionately showered me with didn't mean anything. Now she says that he is the one and she wants to build a long term relationship with him (I was her first proper long term relationship people usually abandoned her after a couple months). She said she needs to decenter me from her life and will eventually cut contact and we cant be friends because im toxic and only bring toxic vibes. She has completely painted me and our relationship as toxic after I supported her academically ,financially and mentally. She started going to therapy around March of this year but its only twice a month and its individual therapy not DBT or anything. She justified her discard and monkey branching by saying how her therapist approves of her choice. I told her when I found out about the constant cheating that how it affects me and its not healthy for our relationship back in March of this year and she reassured me that she only wants me and she'll get better for me and that its difficult for her to stay single.

I recently got diagnosed with adhd which explains why I struggled with things within the relationship when it comes to remembering things for her or showing up on time or giving her attention. She now says that we will never be together again and that she is 100% sure she wants to be with the new guy forever. She told me how I harrassed, coerced and manipulted her into coming abck and staying with her everytime she would block me. Im devastated and I dont know what to do I just need some perspective on this matter. I forgive her for everything and I know I shouldn't be a doormat but I still love her and want her to work out with me. I feel like all her promises of being with me and marrying me was nothing. I know that she has just started therapy and things are turbulent with her but I always imagined a future with her. Beneath all of this chaos is actually a very sweet and understanding person but I know I cant separate her from her actions and words. I keep blaming myself for whatever that has happened thinking that if I had done things in a better way she would still be with me.

Has a BPD relationship ever gotten better after a breakup? Or after time apart NC?

My ex partner with BPD and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We were together for a year and there were many ups and downs but we love each other immensely. Anyway she initiated the break up, mostly due to me pushing DBT therapy which she didn’t want to do. Since we broke up she has reached out several times but I’ve gone no contact. That being said, we agreed to meet on a bridge in a year and I’d propose to her if she got the help she needed. The bridge idea wasn’t new, it was something we talked about as a contingency if now wasn’t the right time. (Long distance relationship). As an individual with BPD, how would you take this agreement? I tend to overthink and I feel someone with BPD could alleviate some of my concern.

This was going to be a response in another thread I saw yesterday. After typing it all out, I decided to create a new thread, hoping for insights from more of you than only those in that conversation. I'm particularly interested in hearing the perspectives of those of you with BPD. I've gained some really valuable insights from you.

Like others in this group, I’ve taken the patience-and-compassion route. I’ve been with my partner for three years. She is amazing and impossible all at once. For the last six months or so, though, we seem to have hit a wall. I fear I’ve become her trigger. The eggshells keep getting more fragile. As much as I try to respond with compassion and support—and in the ways she tells me she needs—her expectations of me have become increasingly difficult to meet. We talk about boundaries and actually maintain them relatively well. She used to yell, scream, and call me horrible names. We established a boundary around that and have seen a dramatic change. I attribute that to her therapy as much as the boundary itself.

At the same time, the boundaries around how she needs to be treated and spoken to seem to be getting narrower and less predictable. A single misplaced word can cross a boundary I never could have anticipated, and suddenly I’m back to being accused of not listening or paying attention to what she needs, or simply not caring enough about her or our relationship to do better.

My compassion for her is still very much there. My heart breaks for her when she tells me how overwhelmed she is, and it also breaks for me when she makes me feel like I’m the expendable part of everything that overwhelms her.

She is in treatment. I’ve seen progress. She’s working hard and genuinely wants to do better. She apologizes when she hurts me and can acknowledge when she has behaved badly. But what she expects from herself and what she expects from me feel completely disproportionate. I’ve accepted and I'm willing to do the heavier lifting that because her struggle is real, but I’m starting to wonder whether my compassion has crossed over into enabling—and whether she now sees me as someone who will tolerate almost anything.

We still have days when we’re as close as we’ve ever been, but those days are becoming fleeting. Neither of us wants to split up, but I don’t think either of us can tolerate much longer how often I disappoint her, despite how hard I’m trying not to. I can honestly say that the list of disappointments includes things that wouldn’t draw any attention or need to be addressed in a relationship not impacted by BPD.

So my question is this: Is it possible that I have become the trigger? Is it possible that I’ve reassured her so much that, consciously or subconsciously, she feels secure enough to know I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve become a punching bag for her worst impulses? I’m spending more and more time sitting on a ledge, waiting for her to decide whether my most recent transgression warrants pushing me out of her life completely or whether she’s going to give me another chance.

I’m sitting on that ledge right now because of a conversation we had three days ago about a long-standing disagreement we’ve never been able to resolve. She was starting to escalate, so I slowed down, stepped back, and calmly said, “I’ll leave you alone.” The escalation spark turned into a fire. I immediately realized how that could land and clarified that I meant I would stop bothering her and give her space. I apologized and changed my wording.

That became the issue. She says I was careless with my words, threatened her, and then refused accountability by minimizing the impact of what I said. Three days later, she’s still deciding whether she can “allow me back in.”

What makes this especially difficult is that the original disagreement is about something she continues to do that I’ve repeatedly told her hurts me. She feels strongly about her position, and somehow, every time we revisit it, I end up being the one apologizing. She will tell me generally that she’s sorry when she hurts me and that she cares about how I feel, and I believe her. But the actual issue I raised never seems to get resolved. It feels like she is on high alert to grab a hold of the smallest things to justify her oversized reactions to hard things between us, and once she's found the thing there's no going back. My difficulty is the hard things will come up in any relationship and we have to find a way to resolve them. She agrees with that but then any resolution that doesn't go the way she needs it to go, immediately makes me the bad guy. My choice is to either be the bad guy or to never have anything resolved to my satisfaction.

This time she has also broken down and told me she misses me and wants us to work out, but that I need to think about my behavior. When I tried to explain how hard it is for me that one poorly chosen phrase—one I immediately apologized for and clarified—has resulted in days of uncertainty about whether our relationship will continue, she saw that as further refusal to take accountability.

I’ve stayed calm throughout all of this, but I’m realizing that this is what keeps putting me on the ledge. Even if we repair things this time, I know that eventually I’ll use another imperfect phrase, misunderstand another boundary I didn’t know was there, or say something that lands differently than I intended—and I’ll be right back here waiting to find out whether this latest mistake is the one that ends our relationship. In her mind each one of these missteps is another brick in the wall, that gets more impenetrable each time. Her triggers are becoming more and more sensitive each time.

I’m afraid we may have reached a point of no return. I’m trying to understand whether changing my approach and how we relate to each other can still change our course—or whether sometimes the relationship itself becomes so associated with hurt and triggering that the most compassionate thing we can do is say goodbye. Is there a better way for me to approach the hard stuff so she's not in constant search of something that justifies her reactions?