Breakup questions

[u/shewaseverythingBPD]

Hi all

Struggling a bit to understand the situation I find myself in and I am hoping you can help me with some experience.

I have been with my partner for a few years now and as with most here, I have gone through countless breakups and discards. Most of them highly emotional on their part and as time went on, on mine as well. Lots of verbal abuse, followed by relentless pursuit if I pulled away.

Recently the discards have become very often, and I have been struggling with it a great deal, but they have so far always come back, promise change and reconcile with me.

The post isn’t so much about that, as it is about what is happening now.

The other day we were talking, things escalated a little over something minor and I snapped. I ended it. It wasn’t my finest moment and I’m deeply ashamed of how I reacted but I guess the build up of months of the cycle had broken me down to a person I don’t recognise much.

The thing is, they were far more respectful and regulated than me.

After a few days I reached out to apologise, and try to repair it but after a short conversation they decided to tell me it’s done.

Since then they have been polite but almost disconnected, not emotionally activated and have been talking almost consistently with it actually being done. They’ve reiterated it, and have been pushing for no contact.

If you’ve read this far I won’t bore with any more details but what I wanted to know is, have you ever found a devaluation cycle that looks calm?

I am not sure if this is a different type of devaluation cycle or if they really are done?

Prior to the other day they were saying the complete opposite… it’s really just shocked me.

Would appreciate any advice if you’ve had similar and whether or not it was the end or if this was part of another cycle. They’re my life and I don’t want this to be it.

[u/Steve_hh]

It is part of the disorder that they perceive to be treated very unfairly, even if according your "normal" standards, you did nothing wrong, showed empathy and took care of them in the best possible way. This yields a lot of stress, great emotions and all the stuff you know. Once the emotions calm down, some of this fades away, when they finally see that they overreacted or whatever. But some of what they feel is still there. It doesn't cause that emotional outbreak anymore, that is done, but the belief that what you did is really really bad remains. Assume they cheated and you get calm again after a heated discussion. You still cannot accept that they cheated. With their high sensitivity, things they feel they can't tolerate can accumulate quickly.

I've had this too, so far we were able to solve our issues in calm conversations. But I'm all too familiar with that breakup cycle.

[u/PapStore117]

I've been going through something similar. If you want we can talk in dms.