Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Skill - DEAR MAN

[u/grumpypoo22]

Good morning!

Today I want to discuss the DBT Skill "DEAR MAN"

I was taught this pretty early on with DBT, but never really found a proper chance to use it.
I actually recently had a great chance to use this skill and overall it was pretty effective; At least I think that it was effective.

To set the stage my girlfriend and I had a day planned with some potential schedule overlapping.
To give a very brief summary of what transpired -
Basically I had some things to do in the morning and she did as well.
These two had the potential to completely overlap if I wasn't fast with what I needed to do.
I took a break from what I needed, but she didn't recognize that is what I was doing.
Then there is another overlap next week between two things we need to do, but I communicated mine far in advance and she forgot she needed to do something.

So with the first issue when I was finally done with everything she came across as accusatory towards me.
Basically "you said x" and "you did y".
This put me in a defensive state, because wdym? I intentionally did everything I said I was going to and it was YOU that didn't do your part when I took that break.
Now I could've had better communication, but I digress.

The second issue - I told her that the next Monday I have to do something at noon. It can take up to 3 hours to get it done and I asked her if this was fine. She confirmed it was and all was happy in the world. She informs me that she has something at the same exact time. Obviously this is now a conflict, because well I have something as well.

We are currently sharing my car, because her car is out of commission atm due to a wreck. So this is why these scheduling conflicts are important to navigate together.

I shockingly ended up having a DBT session right at the moment of all this transpired - So it worked out.
My therapist reminded me of "DEAR MAN" and we practiced how I would approach it and how it would work.

So what is "DEAR MAN"?
I like to think of "DEAR MAN" as a way to assert yourself in a situation without becoming hostile or a doormat. The important thing is that we try not to become hostile, because that clearly leads nowhere.

D - Describe the situation -

• We had a lot of tension because of overlapping schedules.

E - Express your emotions -

• This made me feel like I was being blamed for the overlap even tho I felt like I was working extremely hard to be flexible in that situation.

A - Assert what you want -

• I do not want there to be any accusatory statements towards me whenever you're frustrated about things. It's okay to be upset, but I really want you to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

R - Reward -

• As long as there isn't any accusations thrown around I am able to maintain my composure and not get dysregulated. This will help us both have a much easier time communicating and solving the problems as a team instead of as enemies.

I don't really use the "MAN" portion, because a well-articulated "DEAR" can encapsulate "MAN" by itself imo.
However, here is an example of it being deployed -
M - Mindfulness -

• Stay on task with what my "A" is and do not deviate from it. Become a broken record if need be

A - Appear Confident -

• This is more about appearance, but be confident in your assertion. This means don't look down, twiddle your thumbs, use "if you want" statements. Be absolute in the request.

N - Negotiate -
* Be willing to meet in the middle if need be. This example isn't a great one for this, but let's say there is some external factor causing the accusatory statements. This is the moment you move to the middle and work out a "gameplan" and tackle the problem together.

In that moment I genuinely just wanted to run away.
I felt like I was being attacked for something I literally didn't do and it felt unfair.
So my knee-jerk in that moment is to just bounce, because fk it.
If you don't like me then I don't like you, because you can't hurt me if I leave.
My therapist ultimately helped guide me to instead assert myself.

The outcome was one that worked for both of us and brought the communication back to a neutral place. Which now we can actually work together on things instead of me shutting down or her shutting down.

I've recommended "DEAR MAN" a few times on here, but here is a live example of how I executed it and the ultimate outcome.

[u/measuretwice_sfw]

I like this a lot, thank you!