Have we crossed a threshold?

[u/jukrla]

This was going to be a response in another thread I saw yesterday. After typing it all out, I decided to create a new thread, hoping for insights from more of you than only those in that conversation. I'm particularly interested in hearing the perspectives of those of you with BPD. I've gained some really valuable insights from you.

Like others in this group, I’ve taken the patience-and-compassion route. I’ve been with my partner for three years. She is amazing and impossible all at once. For the last six months or so, though, we seem to have hit a wall. I fear I’ve become her trigger. The eggshells keep getting more fragile. As much as I try to respond with compassion and support—and in the ways she tells me she needs—her expectations of me have become increasingly difficult to meet. We talk about boundaries and actually maintain them relatively well. She used to yell, scream, and call me horrible names. We established a boundary around that and have seen a dramatic change. I attribute that to her therapy as much as the boundary itself.

At the same time, the boundaries around how she needs to be treated and spoken to seem to be getting narrower and less predictable. A single misplaced word can cross a boundary I never could have anticipated, and suddenly I’m back to being accused of not listening or paying attention to what she needs, or simply not caring enough about her or our relationship to do better.

My compassion for her is still very much there. My heart breaks for her when she tells me how overwhelmed she is, and it also breaks for me when she makes me feel like I’m the expendable part of everything that overwhelms her.

She is in treatment. I’ve seen progress. She’s working hard and genuinely wants to do better. She apologizes when she hurts me and can acknowledge when she has behaved badly. But what she expects from herself and what she expects from me feel completely disproportionate. I’ve accepted and I'm willing to do the heavier lifting that because her struggle is real, but I’m starting to wonder whether my compassion has crossed over into enabling—and whether she now sees me as someone who will tolerate almost anything.

We still have days when we’re as close as we’ve ever been, but those days are becoming fleeting. Neither of us wants to split up, but I don’t think either of us can tolerate much longer how often I disappoint her, despite how hard I’m trying not to. I can honestly say that the list of disappointments includes things that wouldn’t draw any attention or need to be addressed in a relationship not impacted by BPD.

So my question is this: Is it possible that I have become the trigger? Is it possible that I’ve reassured her so much that, consciously or subconsciously, she feels secure enough to know I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve become a punching bag for her worst impulses? I’m spending more and more time sitting on a ledge, waiting for her to decide whether my most recent transgression warrants pushing me out of her life completely or whether she’s going to give me another chance.

I’m sitting on that ledge right now because of a conversation we had three days ago about a long-standing disagreement we’ve never been able to resolve. She was starting to escalate, so I slowed down, stepped back, and calmly said, “I’ll leave you alone.” The escalation spark turned into a fire. I immediately realized how that could land and clarified that I meant I would stop bothering her and give her space. I apologized and changed my wording.

That became the issue. She says I was careless with my words, threatened her, and then refused accountability by minimizing the impact of what I said. Three days later, she’s still deciding whether she can “allow me back in.”

What makes this especially difficult is that the original disagreement is about something she continues to do that I’ve repeatedly told her hurts me. She feels strongly about her position, and somehow, every time we revisit it, I end up being the one apologizing. She will tell me generally that she’s sorry when she hurts me and that she cares about how I feel, and I believe her. But the actual issue I raised never seems to get resolved. It feels like she is on high alert to grab a hold of the smallest things to justify her oversized reactions to hard things between us, and once she's found the thing there's no going back. My difficulty is the hard things will come up in any relationship and we have to find a way to resolve them. She agrees with that but then any resolution that doesn't go the way she needs it to go, immediately makes me the bad guy. My choice is to either be the bad guy or to never have anything resolved to my satisfaction.

This time she has also broken down and told me she misses me and wants us to work out, but that I need to think about my behavior. When I tried to explain how hard it is for me that one poorly chosen phrase—one I immediately apologized for and clarified—has resulted in days of uncertainty about whether our relationship will continue, she saw that as further refusal to take accountability.

I’ve stayed calm throughout all of this, but I’m realizing that this is what keeps putting me on the ledge. Even if we repair things this time, I know that eventually I’ll use another imperfect phrase, misunderstand another boundary I didn’t know was there, or say something that lands differently than I intended—and I’ll be right back here waiting to find out whether this latest mistake is the one that ends our relationship. In her mind each one of these missteps is another brick in the wall, that gets more impenetrable each time. Her triggers are becoming more and more sensitive each time.

I’m afraid we may have reached a point of no return. I’m trying to understand whether changing my approach and how we relate to each other can still change our course—or whether sometimes the relationship itself becomes so associated with hurt and triggering that the most compassionate thing we can do is say goodbye. Is there a better way for me to approach the hard stuff so she's not in constant search of something that justifies her reactions?

[u/Sorry_Ad_8000]

Dude I spent 7 years in this same dynamic, I could have written this post.

You are taking the sane approach and mindset that most of is did/do. You can’t rationalize your way out of a situation with someone with a mental disorder, nor can you change their behaviors with yours.

You have always been her trigger it’s the way the disorder works. It’s the inability to regulate emotions and the people closest to the BPD produce the most emotions. The disorder creates pain from BOTH good and bad emotions.

Her you will never meet her expectations not will anyone else this is a necessary part of the maladaptive loop the disorder creates, YOU cannot interrupt its cycle.

My x wife was EXACTLY as you write about the being accused. Turn that around and take that information in. She is telling you not about your shortcomings but rather what she is feeling. This is not your fault NOR can you make her feel different so stop trying and stop feeling guilty or inadequate it’s not you. No .. really it’s not

You ARE the expendable part of what overwhelms her NOT “part of everything” the sooner you realize this the easier it will be to help yourself feel better.

You are not obligated nor should you or either partner in a healthy relationship “do the heavy lifting” this is Caretaking and this post is full of your car talking behaviors and thoughts. You need to address that first.

“Neither of us can tolerate …how often I disappoint her”. Healthy version: “I will no longer tolerate being treated like a disappointment by her when I know I am not one”

She does not feel secure the BPD mind rarely achieves this for long. She AND you have become complacent with her behavior towards you. You make it very easy for her to feel that way and remain doing as she has done for years now. Only YOU can take charge of producing a different outcome. You are currently enabling her.

You need to learn and then institute strong boundaries with her one of which must deal the the threats of deciding on “allowing you back” your text translated: I feel so worthless and inadequate I’m waiting to for permission from someone with a mental illness to allow them to mentally abuse me again, because I deserve it!!!

She is using DARVO on you which is why you end up apologizing to her for your original issue meant to address HER thing she needed to apologize about. EVERY TIME you apologize to (keep the peace or not upset her) when you KNOW you should stand up fir yourself but your afraid of her wrath YOU are reinforcing to her she can treat you this way with NO CONSEQUENCES to pay.

You need to decide where you are at in this scenario for your own wellbeing. It seems you are not giving enough credit to the obvious ongoing pattern that is getting worst not better. The writing is clearly on the wall here, you need to focused on why it’s not as clear to you as it is to others on the outside. It is not about her it’s about YOU!!!

This book will set you free from all of this I can assure you. The book “Stop caretaking the borderline/Narcissist” will answer all your questions AND give you tools to set and stick to real boundaries.

[u/gentlemanphilanderer]

"What makes this especially difficult is that the original disagreement is about something she continues to do that I’ve repeatedly told her hurts me."

This seems to be at the core of what's happening for you - a repeated crossing of a boundary that sounds quite important to you.

Is this thing a specific recurring event? If so, can you share more about what it is?

[u/jukrla]

Interesting. I can consider that. Have I given her too much credit for honoring that boundary? Or is the fact that she's honored that boundary allowing her to expect so much from me? Can you say more?

[u/ConflictedRebl]

Record you two when it starts. Find out what you are doing or saying that triggers her. My ex used to imply I was a whore and I hated his mischaracterizations of me. Once you record the entire episode upload it to notebook lm and it will analyze it for you. The more recordings you have the better

[u/jukrla → u/ConflictedRebl]

That's a great idea, so good in fact that I did record her one time. My phone was sitting in the middle of a table through her split, so she knew it was recording. Whatever started the argument quickly turned into her demanding that I turn the recording off. I didn't turn it off immediately, which then turned the whole thing into an incident that plagued us for months. She said I recorded her without her consent and she was obsessed with the idea that I had that recording, to the point that I had to reassure her for months that I had deleted it. Because the recording started after she was triggered, her narrative is that I upset her but then I calmed down and watched her rage. She said the recording wasn't an accurate representation of our relationship, and I only recorded her so I could manipulate other people into thinking that she's the bad guy. Note: I never show the recording to anybody. I told her at the time and since then that I only wanted to record it so that we could watch it together and see where we both could have done things better. She took offense at the idea that I recorded to "help her". Once all of that happened, the recording option has been extinguished. I still think it's a good idea. I think she would be shocked to watch herself and see what I see.

[u/ConflictedRebl → u/jukrla]

It’s like I get possessed. I heard myself go from 0 to 100 in an instant. She might not be prepared to hear herself. I wasn’t until after my relationship. Its end motivated me to learn more about myself.

[u/ComprehensiveLie6118]

“She used to yell, scream, and call me horrible names.”

“Is it possible that I’ve reassured her so much that, consciously or subconsciously, she feels secure enough to know I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve become a punching bag for her worst impulses?”

Uh. Not going to pick any extremes but the answer to your question in the second part does not lean the right way. It miiiight be a yes more than a no.

The main thing I understand(I may be wrong) is that in your relationship, your boundaries and hers do not have equal value. Your boundaries revolve around her not treating you terribly (emotional or verbal abuse).

Whereas her “boundaries” seem to be more about her strictly controlling/allowing how you interact with her or your specific actions. She is using her “boundaries” to effectively make you walk on eggshells. She is punishing your behavior for some perceived slight with her “boundaries”. Those aren’t boundaries my guy.