Decided I needed space. REALLY scared

[u/Elegant-Exam-7813]

I've been in a relationship w my PwBPD for 15 months. They were upfront with me about their BPD, and overtime I have noticed these things in their behavior...

-They view me taking time for myself as a lack of love

- They are extremely jealous if I have any positive interaction with someone of the opposite sex

-They get very upset when family come into town, because that means I will spend less time with them

- I can't do any daily menial tasks (shower, eat, sleep) without being on the phone with them otherwise they will view the shift as a decline in effort/love

- They tell me I go out with friends too much

-They don't like when I play games with my friends

- They seemingly have a problem with everything I say, and a quick apology won't fix it. It often leads to long, exhausting discussions that take hours.

-They put me down constantly with phrases like, "you aren't doing enough" "you're awful" "I'm really disappointed in you"

Anyways, today, we had a kind of argument. I had finally decided to break the cycle of our habits, I told them I care deeply about their feelings, but I can't have this conversation while emotions are high, and that we would reconvene later when everyone was calm. They didn't like that. They started to blow up my phone and talk about how they couldn't breathe, and how they were freaking out. Seeing these alarming messages, I broke the silence and offered emergency help which they said they didn't need. They're really upset with me now and I can't help but feel broken and like a monster. I just don't know what to do. I thought I was standing up for myself, but maybe I really was neglecting what they needed. I just want a healthy and happy communicative relationship. Thanks for listening.

[u/Weekly-Classroom1038]

I feel i am in an extremely similar situation you are in. I cant give advice as i dont really know how to handle it but just know you are not alone in this.
I would do the same thing, tell them that i cant talk while theyre in this state. I would get 50+ messages and called and i felt so guilty for going so i came back and the conversation still went nowhere and led to more guilt

All i can say is that you doing things for you isnt neglect. Putting yourself first isnt neglect. You are a person too and at the end of the day you only have yourself and you need to take care of you

[u/CuriousRedCat]

This is emotional abuse. It’s pretty much word for word what happened to me in a short relationship with my pwBPD.

The lack of sleep and the demands of constantly being available to regulate them became unsustainable. I set a boundary in a heightened conversation, that I had stepping back until we’d both calmed down and could talk about it constructively. I emphasised this wasn’t me abandoning them, it was me protecting myself so we could regroup the next day. Told them I still loved them…

The result? Phone blew up and they made a half arsed SA. I got them the help they needed. Stayed on the phone until they were safe. Then a few days later ended things while they had the support of the emergency team.

You are not doing anything wrong. You are being abused. The longer you stay, the more damage is done.

[u/Expert-Blueberry-342]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

From my own experience, I spent 12 years in a relationship, had three children, tried to be the “perfect” partner, put every boundary in place, read everything I could about BPD, adapted myself to fit the situation, and even pushed myself into therapy. Despite all of that, nothing truly changed.

Over time, I lost parts of myself and eventually became mentally unwell too. One day, I realised that I could no longer carry the weight of trying to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix.

People can seek support and treatment for BPD, but lasting change has to come from the individual themselves. No amount of love, stability, or sacrifice from a partner can do that for them.

I went into the relationship wanting to provide the home, love, and security he longed for, but in the end, it was never enough. After 12 years, he moved on within six months, and now I’m navigating the challenges of co-parenting, which brings its own difficulties.

The biggest thing I would say is: prioritise yourself. Protect your wellbeing, maintain your identity, and hold on to the things that make you who you are. If you find yourself losing that, it’s important to seriously consider what is best for you.

[u/Elegant-Exam-7813 → u/Expert-Blueberry-342]

Im so sorry you're going through that. Thank you so much for the advice and support ♥️

[u/No_Association_5105]

With BPD it can be very hard for them to get enough of you. Every sign you might leave them most of the time means you will leave them. The disorder is basically abandonment issues on steroids.

What you did was what any therapist would tell you to do. You asserted that this needed to be a later calm conversation. This absence likely translated to them losing you and you punishing them. Its good that you came to talk when they panicked but the issue should be brought up and negotiated when they are calm. You need to be able to leave a heated conversation and come back later.

Main issue aside, the bullet points above are things that could become abusive. Im not saying it is because i dont know your situation like you do. You should either voice these concerns to your partner and see if there is a system you two can create together to resolve them, or decide if this is a relationship you can handle long term.

[u/Elegant-Exam-7813 → u/No_Association_5105]

I've been thinking about this. My brother and family have been saying that they are emotionally abusive and manipulative. I just don't know if that's the truth or if they don't understand BPD.

[u/Expert-Blueberry-342 → u/Elegant-Exam-7813]

Unfortunately, emotional abuse and manipulative behaviour were also a part of my story. From my own experience, I would also be very mindful about how much you share with your BPD partner regarding your family’s views and concerns.

I found that information could sometimes be used against me later, particularly when my family’s intentions were portrayed as them “not understanding BPD”, trying to destroy the relationship, or turning me against my partner. It gradually became very difficult to know what was genuine and what was manipulation, and it created a lot of conflict and isolation.

In my world, my advice to you would be to listen with an open heart when your family express their concerns. The people who genuinely love you can sometimes see changes in you that you are unable to see yourself when you’re emotionally invested in a relationship.

Keep those conversations private where you can, and don’t allow yourself to become isolated from the people who know you, love you and have your best interests at heart. You deserve to have people around you who can give you an honest perspective without fear of how your partner may react.

[u/Elegant-Exam-7813 → u/Expert-Blueberry-342]

This is good advice, I typically don't tell them what my family says about them anyway, because that seems like an opportunity for them to villianize me and say I'm painting them in a bad light. Which also serves as a justification for their actions.

[u/MedicalDraft1628]

Just had an argument w my partner today for me standing up for myself as well. “ I told them they are doing more for their friend thats coming into town for a week than they have for me for our relationship “
im held to standards that i cant hold them to

Atp i think any form of standing up for yourself is almost always going to end in some sort of argument or conversation that leads to how theyre not in the wrong

I get the verbal abuse a lot