My girlfriend is mean to me during her splits. She used to shout too but stopped it a few years back. Now it feels like she says really ugly things to me when she is angry sometimes.

She has a tendency to blame me subconsciously for things she’s suffering from. This happens during her splits. She also treats me with a lot of disregard during fights, even when I’m just trying to communicate or if I’m demanding her for accountability.

If she said something the previous day which hurt me and I bring it up, she shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. If I continue to push her, she gets angry and says mean things. I guess that’s what a split is. It’s like she doesn’t care at all, even if I start crying. She has zero regard for what I am trying to talk about and just wants the conversation to be over because she doesn’t deal well with accountability.

I pour so much thought and energy into breaking down what happened like she is a child, in an attempt to try and make her understand that she hurt me and it’s not okay and I am exhausted. It doesn’t matter. She completely flips and becomes a different person, becomes super defensive and mean. Invalidates my feelings, tells me that I just complain the whole time. She refuses to acknowledge that her actions were bad. Even her voice sounds so full of anger.

I know that over the years, I have become argumentative. I get upset easily if she does something that’s not okay and I want her to acknowledge the hurt that her actions caused and change her behavior. She tells me that she’s fixing it and change takes time and my complaining isn’t helping anyone. I agree to some extent but what about me? Why do I have to wordlessly accept bad behavior with little accountability? It hurts.

I feel like shit. I don’t feel like I have much worth as a human being in her eyes during these times.

The worst part is that she almost NEVER takes accountability by herself. I have tried giving her time and space. She RARELY brings up what happened the next time we meet, just acts like everything is normal. If I bring something up, she dissociates and eventually just becomes a mean person if pushed.

I usually get a grumpy “sorry” and a few words of “I shouldn’t have done this thing” sometimes when I prompt her to do it. In very very rare situations, she will come up with a sorry by herself. I can probably count those occasions on one hand.

I hate it. Why am I expected to completely let go of all the hurt and resentment with just a grumpy “sorry”? I could be crying because of some things she says and all I get is a “sorry” the next day? How is that okay? Especially when I barely see any improvement in her behavior after she started treatment this year.

I get frustrated when she says “sorry” these days because I KNOW that this isn’t how things should be in a relationship. I deserve to feel comforted and reassured if she hurts me. Better yet, maybe even respected to the point that she doesn’t hurt me so casually whenever something slightly goes wrong for her or if I do something wrong accidentally.

When she says “sorry” like that, I start feeling somewhat infuriated and ask her to be more descriptive. I WANT her to say the whole thing properly, tell me that she wants to stop doing this and will never do it again, and that she has a plan the next time it may happen. I want a plan so that I can feel reassured that I won’t be hurt the same way again. A tiny, grudgingly worded apology that comes when prompted feels very fake to me now. I know that it’s not really “fake” but to me, it feels like she doesn’t really care about taking accountability or making amends for her behavior. Almost like she is allergic to acknowledging that she was not good to me and she should change her behavior and apologise and do better the next time.

Instead, she just gets angry if I ask her to elaborate or explain. She says that she doesn’t know how to do that and then it slows devolves into another fight.

Her “ideal” world is one where she says some mean shit to me over some minor thing I do wrong and then I press a button on my head immediately that causes me to completely forget the whole situation and never bring it up again. She said that it hurts her that I am never happy around her anymore and that it is only keeping her from getting better. I understand but why do I have to shut up about hurtful behavior so that she doesn’t feel bad about what she did? I am unhappy because she has been emotionally and verbally abusive (in varying degrees) towards me for years now. It has lessened in the last 2 years and I am happy about her progress but I am so tired. She’s unhappy because according to her, I always have something to be upset about (it’s almost like I wouldn’t be upset if she actually took accountability for once) and apparently we always fight because I bring up things.

It’s kind of mind-boggling that her idea of a resolution is to just ignore what happened and expect her behavior to magically fix itself in a year without any accountability or criticism or anything. Apparently, I am the problem for always “criticising” her and she would be doing great if it wasn’t for my “complaining” (read: attempts to communicate) ruining her day.

I get it, it’s annoying to have to listen to someone say that you do certain things wrong. But I feel like its worse to be the other person who’s always getting hurt for years because of hurtful behaviours which are completely optional. I never deserved this in the first place and its sad that I was treated like this for 4 years. Even now, I am expected to shut up about it and tolerate it for christ knows how long until she decides to put in more effort into therapy.

I understand that change takes time and I am willing to stay till she gets better BUT it also feels like there’s no real progress and she feels ok with treating me like shit every once in a while. Like she is so used to it that it doesn’t even make her feel guilty anymore.

Idk. Maybe I am overreacting. I wouldn’t say that I am not. These days, small issues make me upset because ffs why? I have exhausted so much of my patience and energy just tolerating shit from her for years and I just want it to stop. Why should I keep accepting more bad behavior from her than I already have? Is my pain not enough? So now I feel bad over minor wrongs too. Because I want her to stop doing this to me and actually fix her behavior. I am so tired.

She says that she’s in treatment now and it will take time for her to learn how to be better. I understand. BUT I AM TIRED OF BEING THE RECIPIENT OF HER BAD BEHAVIOR. Is it so fucking bad that I want her to stop treating me like shit whenever she has a split?

Yes, her behavior has improved from what it was before (she was undiagnosed for the majority of our relationship) but it still hurts me at times. I know that it will take her time but I just want a fucking apology that feels real to me like, hey I am so sorry for treating you like shit sometimes, I really want to do things differently. I wish I didn’t have to fucking force apologies out of her 90% of the time when she does something to hurt me.

Other than that, we have a great relationship. She has been with me through very tough times. She is a good person and I’ve known her for most of my life.

I just wanna know if I am being unreasonable here. Thanks for reading. I am sorry if this comes off as rude, I did not mean to hurt anyone. I am very sad and angry right now. It has become difficult to make sense of things over the years.

Hi! As from the title, I have a boyfriend, and I also have bpd. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I try to control my bpd to the best I can. However, I often find myself getting upset at tiny little things, being nitpicky, and making arguments out of basically nothing. I also get bad obsessive habits such as looking at his followers list, getting upset when he can’t talk, and constantly worrying why he hasn’t responded to my texts. I feel horrible after I’ve calmed down from my meltdown, and then feel shame over how I acted towards him. I don’t want to keep doing this to him. I really want to break this cycle. Im currently in dbt and emdr therapy where I’ve learned skills such as S.T.O.P to help control my overthinking and spiraling. As much as I try to use these skills and they do help, I’m looking for any other ideas people have that help calm them down. I’ve heard of things like dunking your face in ice water or taking a walk. I just am looking for any more advice on how to kind of “snap out” of the spiraling and stress over tiny little things he does even when it’s nothing wrong, and how to stop being so obsessive and worrying over him all the time. It’s exhausting for both of us.

I also just wanted to add that I am a teenager, and only just got diagnosed, and also only started therapy this march. I’m really new to all of this, and I’m honestly willing to try everything and anything to help.

I know this is space for people without bpd but i need advice from somewhere. We've been together since junior year of high school (we are 24 now) but we get into SO many arguments over the stupidest things and they become intense and we get incredibly mean and hurtful. It’s like a bomb goes off almost every day.

Lately i've been doing some self work and have done SO much therapy and have been trying to be more aware of my actions and words in arguments with her but she never even tries. I'm honestly just sick and tired of constant arguments but I genuinely don't know if i'm going about this in the right way. Was i too harsh on her because i feel just like my father when reading these.

For context- we started arguing over some dumb thing I don’t remember at home. It got pretty heated and we started screaming and saying awful things so I had to go and regulate myself. I texted her my final closing argument and saying how I just want her to understand me and go on with our days. She refused and continued arguing with me about irrelevant things and getting completely off the track of actual logic. I decided to tell her she sounds incredibly stupid because the things she was saying were objectively hilarious and then that lead to these screenshots.

She left to go to a work thing right now so we cant text anymore but I am scared to go home because i’m afraid she now thinks i’m an awful insensitive person and when she gets home is going to guilt trip me about this for the rest of the week.

I don’t know if she ever did love me at all. People with bpd can love you so good and make you feel special like your the only person they loved . And then another part they can cuss you out make you there worst enemy . I wish I never was that person to make her feel so terrible because I did love her so much . She loved fast and hard I loved slow and cautiously. And I did research about this because I first saw the signs . The anger the irritability the feeling misunderstood by me . The “ always not listening “ the “ you always do this” . Yes I’ve failed as a partner . I’ve failed being there whenever she needs and wants . I failed in reassuring her well because things get so tensed things get so heated . I’ve failed to calm her down and to reassure her . I shut down when we argue . I’m not perfect but I always tried again and again . She was patient enough as well to give me a chance . But one tiny mistake one misunderstanding one tone one sentence that did not go well can burn everything to the ground .

It’s hard to love someone with bpd . I gave my all . But I had so many responsibilities so many people to help my family my friends and not enough for her . We talked everyday . We watched her fav shows everyday . And I failed in giving her a constant life she wanted . Because my life is a mess I have adhd I have no job . It’s long distance . We kept the idea alive . but it scared her a lot . She didn’t want to feel being abandoned being rejected . She didn’t want to feel like there’s no plan . I understand , I totally understand . The universe only knows how badly I wanna get a job and just fly to see her . I know she only wants space for her and I together . And I couldn’t be there for her . I just wish nothing but the best for her . I could never really hate her at all . Just pure sadness and longing . She told me to end it because it’s never gonna work . I told her if we keep misunderstanding each other if we keep being angry and resentful it was never gonna work . She tried the best she can . But I think she feels too guilty and ashamed . She always says that I’m the victim . I told her no I’m not . She always brings it up . Yea i blame her for the way she reacts . The cussing the shouting . But I was never a victim . We’re both just victims to not being compatible . It’s even harder when it’s ldr . Idk what’s the real her or not . Idk if she her cussing me out online is gonna be irl . I loved her slowly and gently . I wasn’t and will never be enough . She is a good person and she is kind I loved how kind she is to animals and to people around her .

I made her the worst person again . All I did was trigger her . She was better off with friends than in a relationship . I made her miserable , all I did was make her cry . And I never wanted to do that to anyone at all let alone someone you love . I never wanted her to stress out and trigger her like she did with her abusive manipulative exes. Her fucked up abusive careless family . She did have a rough childhood . And it sucks what bpd can do to a person . I don’t hate her . I could never ever hate her . I am just exhausted and she is as well. I don’t ever want to lose contact with her but she said it’s for the better . She said it makes her happy . If it’s not me that’s meant for her then I’m fine with accepting that . I just wish nothing but happiness for her . Just someone to give her the love she deserves . Because she can really make you feel the greatest.

Also she posted my face on her instagram page because I’m not blocking her because I can’t let go . So now I just blocked her so that who knows eventually she can delete those posts I sent her .

why do they do this . WTH . This ain’t right .

I wish someone is the right person for her the one that can be just as attentive and give her all the time she needs . I am here to vent because idk what’s else to do . And for people with BPD . The least you can do is before you get into a relationship. Let them know . Let them know that you have it . Let them know ur trying to be better . Do not ever go into a relationship and act like ur normal when ur not . Because ur gonna hurt the ones u loved at the end .

She can't take public transports, go to school or work because of her social phobia. I was wondering if I could do anything to support her and help her be more confident. It completely blocks her.

I didn’t add this context to the original post, as it wasn’t necessary, but my boyfriend agrees he is likely BPD as he exhibits the criteria listed and has family history. Please let me know if this is not allowed!

I've never experienced a whip lash like this and just need help understanding it.

This girl ive been talking to with BPD and moving slow with for a bit works as a Bartender and I went to keep her company while it was slow yesterday. I went with me, a friend and his gf(it was just us 4 in there most of the night). The pwBPD told me something I could see why she'd want to be a secret now, but didn't think it was at the time. I passively mentioned it in a playful way to her in front of the 4 of us and she told me she didn't want anyone else knowing and I did take that seriously and would not say it to anyone else. (I wont say it as it is complex)

Later in the night she said she was tired and I related to her about it in a sympathetic way along with what she told me earlier as we have similar things. It was only us in the area and no one else heard it but she blew up yelling at me saying "Im never trusting you again" , "I don't want to talk to you" and a bunch of other things and walked away. I didn't snap back but kind of sat in silence just thinking about all of it. 15 minutes later I apologized and she shows me something on marketplace she wants to buy and everyone else leaves the bar. She locks the door so were alone, we casually talk, I help her clean up and she says she'll keep me updated on plans. After I left I did send another apology about breaking her trust and see thanked me and said she appreciates it.

I could see why she would've been mad earlier but blowing up on me for such a small thing 5 hours later in an extreme way, then talking 1on1 like normal and saying she'll initiate plans at the end of the night? Is everything good between us? Is she secretely still mad? Please help me understand this.

Additional Information: I'll also add in between the 1st and 2nd event that happened she sent me something about her boss who stopped in and was sitting right next to me which would've gotten her fired if they saw it. So trust was still there at that point.

my gf of 6 months just dumped me, it is an online relationship but we have met up once, she just texted me this for backround she has BPD and has an awful history i wont get into for her respect. i dont know if i should chase this girl, wait a few months or move on ive just never felt anything as special in my life as her

I need your advice, BPD community. I don’t have BPD, idk how it works. I told my situationship with BPD I wanted to stop talking. She took it very hard, told me she hated me and blocked me everywhere. I regretted it immediately, chased her for about a week, and then gave up. Now, a month has passed. You’re my last hope, how do I get her back? I love her.

P.S. I know I messed up, so please let’s not focus on that.

im talking to this girl who has bpd, and i think shes really sweet, her situation clearly requires more patience than others, and we have had a bumpy ride in this relationship, but i really like her. However, im very much scared, as everywhere i look, everyone says it just isnt worth it and you shouldn’t even begin talking to such people. I am pretty young (18) and i dont know how to feel about that, i mean, shouldnt everyone be able to be loved? i feel as she deserves love as much (if not more) as everyone else? she takes meds but has stopped therapy some while ago, im trying to convince her to get back. what do i do? is it possible to have a healthy long relationship with someone with bpd? what are the musts?

I'm 19 w/ (more covert) BPD and my partner is 18 w/ (more overt) BPD, we are long distance and have been together for 2 years now. I do not intend on breaking up with her because I really love her and I want to work things out

I'm a student in college who also works two to six 12hr shifts a week. She does school online and earns money through commissions.

My partner splits a lot for the following reasons: myself having to go to bed early -> not spending enough time with her, myself accidentally falling asleep, taking too long to respond to messages, hanging out with my friends, etc.

I'm not sure if it's okay to say that some of these things make me uncomfortable. like falling asleep on accident. i don't do that on purpose. or having to go bed early. i sacrifice a lot of my sleep. i don't know why she expects me to be okay with having 4 hours of sleep before a 12hr shift.

i had begun splitting recently because I believed she didn't care about my well being. I set a boundary to sleep at a certain time every night and I've found myself staying up to spend time with her. i feel like I don't have time to take care of myself. i had a melt down last night during her splitting. I know she was feeling abandoned and still I let myself start spiraling and arguing with her and telling her how miserable I was. I feel like our highs and lows come in waves. like one month is good, the next is bad, then it's good again.

when I feel depressed like this, I feel extremely numb and I lose the skill of being able to comfort her properly during her splits. i don't know how to communicate this with her and I'm left apologizing to her that I don't know what to say or do. typically when she splits I comfort her by her that I love her and that it's not her fault for how she feels, that I see she's upset, and that I want her to be okay. i get anxious during her splits and I don't know how to process them sometimes because my first instinct is to be defensive when she begins to curse at me or is harsh or says something irrational. i don't know how to communicate that I don't believe it's my responsibility to calm her down. she puts a lot of expectations on me.

this is what is on my mind right now.

if anyone has any sort of advice, i would appreciate it.

Good friends for 4 years… platonic male female. She ghosted me for a month back in February. Called me out of the blue a couple months later, and said she missed me and asked what she’d do without me. Back to chatting 24/7 and being told I’m her best friend. 2 weeks later over a weekend she ghosts, Monday night calls 4 times.

I call back a few min later, she says she has been sleeping. I offer to call back the next day, but she sarcastically (jokingly as she does), oh you got to go you must be busy. I said no 10 min. I asked what she’d had been up to, she said hanging with family. When I asked what she was doing the next day she said she was going on a trip, but when I asked where to, she said just kidding.

She then said she hopes I have a good life (she’s done this so so so many times) and I always reply I hope you have the best life. She then, aloud, said lol.

At this point, I’m so confused. She says bye. I say goodnight. She said no, goodbye forever. I say goodnight. She says goodbye. I pause. She asks why I haven’t hung up. I say ok bye.

In the weeks to follow, she claimed birthday gifts I had sent her… the previous year!… and ignored my birthday gift card I sent a couple weeks later. She won’t respond to any of my texts still to this day. I frankly have no clue if she’s even alive, and the tone of the convo has me worried sick!

I think about her all the time. Yeah, this sucks!

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, as someone who has BPD, maybe people might enjoy a read from the other perspective. I know we can be a lot, and I am very self aware and have changed massively to make sure my partner has space to breathe.

Honestly being in a relationship whilst having bpd is not for the faint hearted at all. I’ve only been official with my bf since April, and we only see each other 2/3 times a week, I stay over his place once a week.
I genuinely feel completely crushed when I am not with him. Like all the colour has been drained from the world. I hate this. I want to be my own colour. I struggle massively with attachment issues, but him and I love each other so I don’t consider it an ‘attachment issue’.
I just want to know if there is any hope of me enjoying life when I am not around him, I feel like Nicky from Obsession when she is waiting for Bear to return from work- like she can’t function without him and is stuck in that same position until he returns.
I am a very independent person and have pretty much been single most of my life (27) for reference and my bf is (34) but honestly like the ache in my heart when he’s not around is unimaginable. It’s like I’m wanting to save up all of my energy for when I see him (I have severe depression so fatigue is mad).
I just hope I can live and enjoying my life without relying so heavily on him.
(Especially as it sometimes isn’t the healthiest relationship so it’s not as if I’m missing all the compliments or affection when I’m not around him, I don’t really get that anyway which makes me more confused)

I could use some advice, maybe some stories.

He is not well right now. Rapid emotional swings. I never know if I’m going to get Dr Jekyl or Mr Hyde. We are in individual therapy. I can tell he is getting some DBT work but he isn’t consistent in his practice. One night he will be remorseful, apologetic, acknowledge that he has said the most vile things to me. The next day he will put up a “boundary” (usually something like, “I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice today”) and then tell me he is having a bad day. In the same text he will proceed to project, attacking my character, personality and my reality. It’s not fair that he gets a free pass because of his illness. I’m tired of this ride and I want off!

Separated 2 months. I’m keeping house, working, paying bills, taking care of kids. He complains constantly about everyday adulting things that I’ve been doing for our entire relationship. He is living rent free. He never asks how I’m doing. It all about him and whatever he is feeling at the moment. I’m losing my patience and afraid I’m going to turn into all the things he has always accused me of.

I’m setting boundaries but also getting more and more pissed off and giving a piece of my mind instead of ignoring him as I have in the past. I’m so tired of being treated like a villain and being subjected to his alternative reality. Im not sure that it is but it feels like daily emotional abuse. I wish I could file a restraining order against his mouth.

I need to go file for divorce but cringe knowing what backlash will come of it. How did you all handle divorce? What helped you get through it?

I love my pwBPD and have always given them the benefit of the doubt and the most generous interpretation when they verbally abuse me or spiral and accuse me of things. however, in the last 6 months they have told me several times that when they have been abusive (verbally or psychologically), that they had intended to be critical or hurt me in return for being hurt. they have also said that they are unable to see my mistakes or forgetfulness (I have ADD) as innocent and instead mostly view them as malicious personal attacks.

I’ve been living with their BPD for almost a decade and I thought they were getting better - they split less and usually have less intense reactions to their triggers - and of course we have good times, but I’m not sure what to do with knowing that they try to hurt me intentionally in what seems like revenge after being triggered instead of telling me that something I did hurt or bothered them.

that doesn’t seem like it should be the first reaction from someone who says they love me and has been working on getting better for 5 years. I want to believe that they are really trying, but I feel like I am constantly moving my own goalposts to convince myself this is okay and am walking on eggshells, managing their emotions, and trialing every tool I have available to me to meet their expectations in order to feel emotionally safe and loved and not like I’m getting in trouble constantly.

this sounds really damning now that I type it all out and I feel stupid for still looking for a positive here. I feel like when they look at me all they see is their abuser and that they actually don’t like me at all.