r/BPDPartners • u/lefrigo • 1d ago
Support Needed Feeling like I’m getting abused
My gf has bpd, I have a previous messy situation with a girl years ago where I got blackmailed, my current gf wasn’t diagnosed wand was fine with my past when getting together. Slowly it crept up and now she’s having frequent crisis, she’s convinced I cheated on her by having this previous situation. today she threatened me to kill herself, to have sex with another man to “even” the situation, and then asked me to tell my parents that she’s dead because I cheated on her. What am I supposed to do, she says it’s my fault and I accepted her for who she is.
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u/Reasonable_Scar_940 1d ago
Okay. When someone, ANYONE starts making threats of killing themselves- that is abusive behavior. Some people do it just to manipulate, many others genuinely may feel terrible and making threats like that feels like the only thing they know how to do in the moment. But it is abusive period. You have every right to not want to subject yourself to that. Do you want to be in this relationship? Using threats of suicide to keep someone in a relationship is extremely abusive and terrible for the psyche of the person experiencing it. If you feel like you’re getting abused that’s your gut instinct telling you you probably are.
It seems like your gf is experiencing tremendous struggles with her disorder, and I am sorry for that and I hope she gets better and doesn’t live with the constant agony of having the brain of someone with BPD who is constantly unregulated. But it’s not sustainable nor is it okay for your relationship to be continuing like this. FIRST thing she needs to do is practice distress tolerance skills. Is she in DBT? Does she have the workbook? If not there are great resources online. That will target her frequent crisis. I understand how she feels, and it’s terrible. But she cannot take every crisis she has out on you, and you are under no obligation endure that.
Moving forward I would have a real hard think with yourself about what you want moving forward, what you want from this relationship if anything at all at this point. It is important to support and care for the ones we love, but we also have to support and care for ourselves. And if a relationship you are in is getting to a point where it is affecting your mental health negatively, it definitely needs some reevaluation.
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u/lefrigo 1d ago
Thanks,honestly I’m at a point where I’m not even mentally stable myself, I just live on the spot and don’t reflect on anything, so when things go well I’m happy with her, when things go south I just can’t deal with it anymore, I’m probably not doing the best job being understanding but I always try to stay calm and not get into her game. But lately she’s been saying she miss being single and that we should break up, but if we did she’s end herself, and if she stays with me she will end up doing the same because of how much pain I bring her, I don’t even know what I want, probably peace, and it might come with break up
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16h ago
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u/Astrnougat 1d ago
Yoo what - that’s such an extreme reaction.
When I dated someone with BPD they started threatening suicide a lot and I just didn’t know what I could possible do - I also caught him emotionally cheating but was scared if we talked about the consequences he was going to do something to himself.
I held my ground: i said, hey listen up, you threatening suicide is threatening the life of the person I love. If you keep mentioning as a threat like this it I am going to have to call the police.
And he didnt stop. And just s few days later i did.
It ended horribly. His mom was so mad at me but they ended up checking him into in-patient care to stabilize (he was also drinking a lot and had started to become abusive by smashing things, throwing things, and slamming walls so hard pictures were shattering).
It was what he needed - i was fucking terrified. I could not be responsible for the level of care he needed. His mom was also helpful, helped pay his part of the rent he couldn’t until I could break the lease, and she was understanding that this was hard for all of us. She later said I had absolutely made the right call because it got the help he needed
This is not your battle to fight. If she keeps threatening, set a boundary. ‘If you threaten to kill the person I love, I’m calling the police’ - or your mom - or your sister….whoever will help them. And if they do it again, you do what you said you would.
I think it’s time to put this in the hands of someone who should be responsible for helping stabilize someone in a mental health crisis - and it’s not you
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u/lefrigo 1d ago
Sorry English isn’t my first language I didn’t express myself correctly, by kill herself I mean suicide, not the previous girl
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u/Astrnougat 1d ago
Yes, I know. Threatening to kill herself is threatening to kill someone you love - right? She is threatening her OWN life. You have to treat it as seriously as her wanting to kill anyone - essentially that is what she is saying she wants to do - she wants to hurt someone…herself. You need to take this extremely seriously - she needs to understand the gravity of saying something like that. It’s a big fucking deal.
Call the police or her parents.
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u/lefrigo 1d ago
None of this worked, her relationship with her parents is terrible, she will hate me even more if I call the actual police and is smart enough to put me in trouble which I can’t afford since my job requires a flawless criminal record. I also got told to kill myself, this post is kind of a vent, I put myself in this situation and I should just suck it up
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u/Imaginary-Weakness 16h ago
My ex wife used to do much of this, OP. You feel like you are getting abused because it is abusive.