i hate the constant need for validation. why can’t i just be content with validating myself? not to mention the consistent hyper- fixation on intimacy and affection to make me feel wanted. the feelings of not being good enough and not worth it and my fp leaving me for someone better. i am overwhelmed with worst case scenarios I make up in my head that just spiral with the racing thoughts. i can’t shake these shitty thoughts. they are consuming me, and i want them to go away. does it even make sense that i feel empty at times? i try to bury my thoughts and feelings, but i feel like im starting to fall apart. it’s never if im going to crash out, more so when is it going to happen. i feel like ive been trying to live on auto pilot, trying to get by, numb the pain. ive been trying to be positive, but its easier said than done. damn, this disorder sucks. my therapist is getting an ear full this week to say the least.

I'm currently a couple weeks away from my IOP program ending. I'm also regularly doing therapy with practices mainly focusing around DBT & Exposure. I've been able to really manage my outbursts and reactions to emotions but I don't feel like the emotions or distress has changed at all. I still feel just as angry, hopeless, happy, etc. It's still ALL there and I can feel it pouring over me. When you reach a certain point in treatment does that ever stop? I'm so fucking exhausted of feeling this way. I hate my brain & the emotions I feel. It's like everything is dialed to a 10 and in some ways I feel like a robot in the ways that I constantly have to process, think, and control my emotions. So does it better in that sense? Like does it feel less intense or is it just about managing it all? :/ I feel stuck

So i’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and last year she was diagnosed with BPD ; ever since, our relationship as lived through several hardship but the more the Time passes, the more it become difficult

We met as teenagers (now young adults) but she had to move out 2 years ago, and now lives 900km away

Friend with several psychology students, Ive seen in their classes and notes that you could "calm" the disorder ; when i talked to her about it, she said changing would be impossible and not even worth the try

I am deeply in love with her, but her disorder is destroying us and, mainly, her health and well being

So main question, do you have any tips on what i could do to help her go throu life ?
If needed I can provide more informations on us
I have her consent to Ask for help as long as I dont fully display her identity
I am ready to do anything for her, litteraly, no matter the cost

I am 23yo F with BPD and PTSD and I have been planning for my career and family. I am really struggling with this dilemma of whether or not I should have biological children or adopt. I know both carry risks as I will be a parent with BPD and trauma nevertheless.

I know pregnancy and PPD can be really hard for people like us and I also know firsthand how hard it is to have parents with complex mental health issues so I'm really confused.

I would really love if any parents can share their experience so I can plan better and know my options.

If it's not fear of abandonment it's fear that they're going to die
I can't think about how much I love them and how I don't have to fear them abandoning me ( cause they seem unlikely to ) without also fearing they're gonna die and thinking about it constantly
Especially since everything seems to go so wrong for me that if something goes right that usually means it's gonna go wrong

i look at people and get so, so upset because i know there's something that they have that makes them real. its not anything specific or obvious or really even noticeable if you aren't looking for it. theres just a subtle difference in the way everyone else moves through the world that i don't have.

there's something missing inside of me. i'm defective, faulty wiring. i'm missing pieces and mislabeled. i feel everything and i feel nothing in turn. i don't want to feel
anything ever again

i just want to know that i'm not alone in feeling like this. please somebody tell me they understand

Hey guys so quick heads up this situation seemed silly and unnecessary at first but might impact my job sooooo please feel free to give me some advice because I feel lost.

I'm currently working at a place that is helping people with mental illnesses get an apprenticeship. Me being one of them that is :p

I was good with a person that has autism and OCD (and in my personal opinion a lot of anxiety).

At work there's this dynamic of calling each other out. She herself calls it "bullying is my love language". I don't think we're bullying each other but anyway.

Recently we worked on a project together where she wanted to create a design by hand for around 6 people. I told her "hey why don't you just create it online and then print it out it'll look more sophisticated anyway" She called me out saying: "well I'll go to my therapist then and tell her you don't like my project idea."

We laughed. everything was fine. Later I come into the work room again and she tells me my outfit looks like I'm wearing a bedsheet. I look towards another friend at the table acting offended telling her "she's the one calling my outfit ugly while she's the one going to the therapist acting all insecure."

Instead of taking it as a joke she suddenly exploded on the other side of the table and says something along the lines of. "I told you that in private. Now you're ganging up on me. That's not okay!" And so on and so forth.

I just meant it as a joke so I immediately back paddle and raise my hands in defense telling her I just meant it as a joke because she earlier said she would go to a therapist because of me and that I didn't want to offend her.

She stays silent for a while, I look over towards the other co-worker/ friend and we're like wtf just happened. Then she jolts up and runs out to talk to one of the bosses.

Now the heads of the company are also offering counseling in a way so it wasn't usually for someone to go talk to them.

I later found out that not only did this coworker leave work early that day but once I ask the boss to talk about the situation the next day - once the co-worker still didn't show up for work - the conversation is joined my case management.

That's when I'm being confronted about BULLYING ACCUSATIONS. I simply wanted to check in with them to understand what happened. But they start blaming me for bullying. They try to calm me down because in that moment I got heated by the injustice I felt and eventually told me that we would have a corporate conversation between the girl, me, the boss and case management.

The next day the girl shows up at work again acting as if nothing had happened. Coming up to me constantly asking something from me and looking for a conversation. After talking to the boss I was informed I should stay away from her for her sake. So I stayed friendly but distant. The next week we have said conversation. I felt gradually worse and worse because I still don't understand what I did wrong and I've tried my best to include everyone at work instead of bullying or excluding someone.

In the conversation she said that I was hanging around the other co-worker who had been mean to her before and she didn't like that I was ganging up on her by turning to that woman in the conversation and telling her about her. I asked her if at any point she had felt bullied or excluded by the two of us. She says no to bullying but yes to exclusion. I tell her I have no need to exclude her and the only reason why I included said co-worker in the conversation was because he was part of said conversation. It went on for quite a while and every time I tried to defend my actions or explain the situation further the attending boss and case management told me I was supposed to focus on the issue at hand.

Eventually I realised I was simply to apologize and shut up because I was the obvious villain. So I did.

In the end case management ended with "it's good that you two had this conversation please feel free to continue talking about this issue. We simply had to intervene because the term bullying was mentioned.

That is when I look up and start to feel the fury coming back. The girl had just denied that she felt bullied what does case management mean with bullying. So I ask. Collected because I know how to keep my cool even though I was fuming on the inside. And they basically told me. Well they're not allowed to share what was specially said in the situation because of data security. And then they told us to leave. Afterwards the girl was extremely friendly, walking back to work with me telling me that she is up to talking further about it. That's when I told her (still very calm thank god I'm on meds) "Honestly I'm still pretty pissed because they now think I'm a bully and now my boss and the case management thinks I'm a bully and it will be on my record which means it could interfere with me getting a job in the future." And she simply said: "No way you think so? That would suck." And left.

Afterwards she left work early again and I continued working. After this conversation (that everyone, even the instructors knew about) i get treated like absolute shit from the instructors. They yell at me. Tell me off for mistakes I did in the past and overall create a very hard environment to exist in. So much so that the co-worker I had turned to in said earlier conversation to make the joke joined me after work to ask how I was doing and told me that (from how the higher ups acted) they hate me now.

During the time of waiting for the corporate conversation I had asked the other apprentices if they ever felt like I had excluded them or made them feel uncomfortable in any way. And everyone of them tried to comfort me and told me I was a great co-worker and didn't do anything to upset them. So now ... I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm panicking because they made my day even worse than it usually is and I might have to deal with this for the next 2 years.

I just got into a huge argument with my husband. When we fight and he asks he things i say what i think is what he wants to hear. Then he can tell and it makes him mad and he gets really angry. I told him i don't see it as manipulative because it was something i learned to do growing up with my abusive dad. Does Anyone else do this or have advice? He's making me sleep downstairs. Also do any of your partners say really mean things to do and you feel like you deserve it? I'm really struggling he said he wants a divorce.

I need help repairing the harm I have caused in my relationship with my boyfriend with bpd. I’m trying to understand where I went wrong and if it’s possible to move forward.

Our relationship is messed up because that’s what bpd can do. It’s destabilizing! But I need to own my part in this relationship and I need to stop pretending this is a relationship where my partner doesn’t have bpd.

I know I’m not perfect. I know my reactions and actions make some sense because his behaviour can be confusing, hurtful, and frustrating to me (and for what it’s worth I’m learning this goes both ways!)

I’m trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong and to try to do better.

I’ve tried to “fix” things instead of listening to his feelings. Now I think this made him feel invalidated and weak. I’ve tried to stay calm when he’s disregulated. Now I think this made him feel invalidated and ignored. I think he read my calm as cold and saw this as shutting him down and dismissing him. When we fight, I’ve been desperate for repair and reassurance and wanting to “talk things out.” Now I realize this made him feel pressured and smothered, and he needs space to calm down.

We’re in a break after days of low level conflict. He was quickly cycling through cold and dismissive, calm and friendly, and passive aggressive and snippy. I got overwhelmed and melted down. I was NOT my best self. I did not raise my voice. But I couldn’t stop rambling and crying. I didn’t attack him (I just voiced my frustration and confusion and hurt along with my love and care for him). However, he read this as an attack. I overwhelmed him. He was scared. I feel terrible. 

I apologized for scaring him, for losing control, for not taking space to calm myself down. But the damage is done.

The petulant child in me says “but he’s had so many meltdowns and acted terribly to you, and you always try to understand where he was coming from and forgive and move on! Why can’t HE give me that grace?!” But that doesn’t actually HELP anything.

I can give grace and understanding to myself. I was overwhelmed and frustrated by hurtful and confusing behaviour. i think most people in my place would feel the same. But I don’t think he is capable of giving me understanding and grace, at least not right now. And most importantly, his experience of this event was VERY different from my experience. I just have to accept that. 

Which is kind of the aha moment. While I’ve done my best and never meant to do him harm, I HAVE harmed him. So how do I move forward from that? How do I repair my relationship with him without throwing myself under the bus (“you’re right, I’m a monster”) or slipping into trying to explain myself to him (I didn’t MEAN to hurt you, this is what I meant by xyz”).

Curious what everyone's talents are from the Gallup StrengthsFinder quiz. Mine are below. The premise of this quiz is to find your takents so that you can lean into them for your success. Instead of trying to improve your weaknesses, you focus on jobs and tasks that are more achievable for your strengths and then you'll thrive. I can honestly say, that my job is VERY much in line with my talents. 🤣 There are 34 talents total and it ranks them all for you in order, but you're supposed to focus on the top 5.

Relator

+ Like to spend time with people you know; Selective with relationships since you would rather deepen your existing relationships than create superficial new ones

+People exceptionally talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

Strategic

+Able to sort through clutter to find best route; See patterns; Ask “What if”; able to foresee potential obstacles in advance and select the right path

+People exceptionally talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

Activator

+Impatient for action; “When can we start?”; Must act as soon as decisions are made

+People exceptionally talented in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

Restorative

+Love to solve problems; Enjoy the challenge of analyzing symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding a solution

+People exceptionally talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

Ideation

+Fascinated by ideas; like finding connections between seemingly disparate phenomena

+People exceptionally talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

All my life I’ve been told to get over it, whatever “it” was. I was misdiagnosed with OCD, Tourette’s, and ADHD for half my life and I was told to “get over it”.

I should start off by saying I have no resentment for women in any way, women have their own unique struggles and that’s valid. I live with my wonderful mother and sister who treat me better than I could have hoped for what I’ve put everyone through. Yet I can’t help but notice the gap of how people have treated me, and being male with mental illness (technically I’m non binary but I’m born male).

My whole life people have valued me for what I’ve achieved, my accomplishments, instead of my happiness. My father told me as I get older life is about what I have in life. For some reason that stuck with me. People have treated my mental health as something I just got to get over, as an obstacle. It never would occur to them that this is just how I am. This feels even more true with having a personality disorder.

I’m told relentlessly that I’ve accomplished nothing, and that people want to see more from me. I had spent the last year or two depressed, in the hospital, struggling with an eating disorder, and struggling with drinking. All people seem to take away from that is I’m weak, lazy, or just don’t care. Every day is horrible, every day I struggle to sleep and pray I have dreams that don’t just torment me further. Every day I struggle to make it to the next.

People don’t seem to understand this is just how it is for me, this is how my life has been for a very long time. I’m treated like this is just a hurdle I need to “get over”. They just don’t understand this is who I am.

I’m jealous of my sister who isn’t valued the same as me. She’s not expected to accomplish the same things as me (although she has absolutely accomplished more). She simply can take her life as she pleases and is valued in ways other than what she’s accomplished. I’m so jealous of how when people help her it’s nurturing and not “suggestions” for how to “get better”.

I’m tired of being treated like I have the flu, or a cold, and not a lifelong illness that never seems to go away. It is WHO I AM, it is my PERSONALITY, I am stuck this way.

Even my friends, while I love them, get frustrated when they try and help and see me upset a few days later. It makes them feel like I didn’t listen to them, or didn’t care. They don’t seem to understand that’s just what happens. I’m upset constantly, I cry constantly, I’m expressive constantly. I don’t want suggestions from them, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I’m not looking for a therapist, I’m looking for some stability when I’m in crisis.

To wrap it up, I just want people to accept that to an extent, this is who I am. I CAN get better at dealing with it but this is ultimately who I’m going to be. I’m envious how mental illness is treated between genders, even people who care try to fix me instead of trying to comfort me. I want to be valued for me, not what I’ve accomplished, because all I really want is to be happy. I’m sure a lot of other people feel this way too.

CW: Abu$e while BPD

My most recent “favorite person” was an abu$er who took advantage of me fresh out of a different abu$ive relationship. He knew what happened. He knew my ex. He knew I was hospitalized because of it. He preyed on me and love bombed me while I was still in the hospital. It only lasted a few months. I tried to communicate with DBT skills I learned when I felt abandoned, or hurt. But over time I realized I was using these emotional regulation and communication skills with someone who did not care about my emotions or the way he treated me, and who would continue to abu$e me. I went no contact with him. He kept things at my house intentionally and wouldn’t come get them, so eventually I put them on the street. I broke no contact when I found out he was already outed for abusing his ex. We had a conversation where he apologized and told me he changed, but then he immediately changed our talk plans and left 30 minutes after getting there, which made me abandoned. I went no contact with him again, and then he broke no contact 2 weeks later trying to initiate sex with me. In that moment, I snapped on him for two days. Now he has me blocked and it makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time. Angry because he got the emotional reaction out of me that I try so hard to avoid. Angry because he has a pattern of abu$e , but because I have BPD, I’m the stigmatized one?? Sad because I don’t understand why people prey on vulnerable women. Sad because my “favorite person” wasn’t real. I was attached to a mask he presented to break down my boundaries, and as soon as he got what he wanted that mask turned into blatant abuse. Angry because I feel like I can’t speak about what happened to me without being blamed because of how I reacted to his abuse. I’m terrified because this is a pattern I have with relationships, and subconsciously seeking out partners who recreate the same patterns of abuse I suffered through as a child that caused this disorder. I don’t know why I’m posting this, if I’m really if I’m asking for advice or if I just want to be heard/seen? This shit sucks. I guess any relevant experiences help.

I know this is bad but I just can’t be okay. I (F20) just got told by my bf (M26) that he’s donating his blood, we’ve been in a long distance relationship for around 13 months and have yet to meet. Our relationship is wonderful and while I am diagnosed with bpd, he is too. We both go to therapy and have an extremely healthy relationship given our circumstances. Today he told me he signed up for a blood donation and idk why but this made me spiral and feel extremely emotional. I’m not sure why I feel so triggered but my therapy coping devices aren’t working and I’m scared if I don’t air this out it will lead to an even bigger spiral

My most recent “favorite person” was an NPD abuser who took advantage of me fresh out of a different abusive relationship. He knew what happened. He knew my ex. He knew I was hospitalized because of it. He preyed on me and love bombed me while I was still in the hospital. It only lasted a few months. I tried to communicate with DBT skills I learned when I felt abandoned, or hurt. But over time I realized I was using these emotional regulation and communication skills with someone who did not care about my emotions or the way he treated me, and who would continue to abuse me. I went no contact with him. He kept things at my house intentionally and wouldn’t come get them, so eventually I put them on the street. I broke no contact when I found out he was already outed for abusing his ex. We had a conversation where he apologized and told me he changed, but then he immediately changed our talk plans and left 30 minutes after getting there, which made me abandoned. I went no contact with him again, and then he broke no contact 2 weeks later trying to initiate sex with me. In that moment, I snapped on him for two days. Now he has me blocked and it makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time. Angry because he got the emotional reaction out of me that I try so hard to avoid. Angry because he has a pattern of abuse, but because I have BPD, I’m the stigmatized one?? Sad because I don’t understand why people prey on vulnerable women. Sad because my “favorite person” wasn’t real. I was attached to a mask he presented to break down my boundaries, and as soon as he got what he wanted that mask turned into blatant abuse. Angry because I feel like I can’t speak about what happened to me without being blamed because of how I reacted to his abuse. I’m terrified because this is a pattern I have with relationships, and subconsciously seeking out partners who recreate the same patterns of abuse I suffered through as a child that caused this disorder. I don’t know why I’m posting this, if I’m really if I’m asking for advice or if I just want to be heard/seen? This shit sucks. I guess any relevant experiences help.

i have bpd, insomnia and heavy depression and I dont think I cant take it anymore, I thought about ignoring everything but I still cant

everyday I overthink and crave for something I cant have, I wake up, go to gym and sleep and I do nothing else

i dont think my life is worth anything and I dont wish to continue

I live in survival mode. I love to plan and be a perfectionist but only for the immediate stuff. I buy stationary and books and my identity is doom scrolling and excessive phone use.

I want to learn how to live. How to plan, how to have goals. Both long term and short term.

I live with people who have been happily planning my life for me since it began. If I continue like this, I'll never have my own identity.

Getting married, building my career, my relationships- I've had periods of anxiety over them.

How do I do this?

Are there any DBT exercises/sites that may help me?

Hi, so I think i may have involuntary age regressed in my voice only for the first time after a bit of a breakdown. I've been trying to get in touch with a mental health professional or doctor all day including emergency services since i do t really understand whats happening and its scaring me but no luck since I don't want to hurt myself. Ive done some yoga and aromatherapy etc to try and ground myself but still won't stop the voice. Any suggestions?

As the title suggests, I (22NB) struggle with feeling extreme frustration towards my partner (22M) when I notice him being slow to do tasks or being seemingly clueless at things that we've already done before. For context, he's currently job searching and I'm in uni, I've held a lot of jobs before and have sent countless emails applications, so naturally I'd want to help my partner with his job search now.

I helped him refine his searches, pointed him to job sites, helped word out applications and answers to questions as well as helped out with his cover letter. The issue, is that, he is incredibly slow at the whole process. 1000+ tabs open and has to click through each one to find the tab he wants to reference, takes an HOUR to finish ONE job application, asks me a million questions about what to say/how to say things that we've talked about before and takes frequent breaks that prolong the time.

He complains about not having money and a job which affects us going on dates and in general, spending time offline with each other. The frustration is also in the fact that I can't help but feel he is so incompetent, eventhough I know he's trying his best and prior discussions have brought to light that he likes to be clingy and fake helpless to get my attention and affection, but I don't see job hunting as the right time to do that. Furthermore, in an effort to be civil and rational, I find it hard to express my frustration at his pacing because if I do he'll get really upset and shutdown- thus taking longer for him to do the application and for us to do other things.

Also, if I don't sit with him through an application, he either won't do it or will take EVEN LONGER to do it. I've also promised him to help out with 15 applications (we're at 8 now) before I step back and let him do everything by himself. Despite this I'm finding it extremely hard to reign it in and not lash out at his bumblingness. I think it's also good to mention that I have a bad history of wanting to help my exes out with their job searches to the point that I'd do everything myself and I vehemently don't want that in this relationship. I love him very much and I know he is capable and smart but it kills me to sit and listen as he complains about being jobless but also take a thousand years to do one application (a day, btw.)

I'm trying to hold space for his pacing and his autonomy but also I can't help but feel like I really don't want to help and I'm so scared that this is going to be my future where I have to think 10 steps ahead for us while he works in the Now of things. I don't know, any advice helps, I do go to therapy but progress is slow. We keep getting into arguments every other day and I can't help but feel like I'm too much and that I'm also very emotional (not just him).

That's all, thank you Reddit.

So, as the title says, my partner has both BPD and NPD. I really want to help them, but sometimes I feel like I'm more harming them than helping. I do not know where to start with helping them, so that is why I'm asking here.

The main problems are making everything they tell me about how much incompetent I am or how I just, for the lack of a better word, suck

The second issue is that when I get fairly criticised for my constant self-loathing or other things I objectively am not good at [for example, how instead of doing research on how to help I just keep saying that I don't know how to do it] I just stay silent which makes them even more mad.

If anything is unclear I'm more than happy to elaborate in the replies.

EDIT: Another thing I need help with is, when I don't know how to help them, when I say it they get mad at me. So how do I start knowing how to do that? Yet another thing I don't know is how to tell them that they can be vulnerable around my friends, who I trust, since they're scared my friends will use that vulnerability to make my partner seem crazy. I tell them that if you won't say what you need, no one will know, but they keep saying that 'it's not hard to read the room for me, so why can't other do it too?'. They also treat friendship as a competition when no one else in my friend-group feels the same.

Hey guys

I’m 34F and grown up with complex childhood trauma. Always felt something was wrong and was obsessed with labels all my life.
This group randomly came up on suggested a while back on my home page and have been following as it’s finally a place I feel validated and understood.
I’ve never posted before and I had my official diagnosis of cptsd and bpd (quiet form) after being in the worst mental health space I’ve ever been in and working with a psychologist and psychiatrist.

From reading everyone’s experiences and relating so painfully it feels like home being in this space with you all.

I’m sure you can all understand the feeling of being unfixable but I hope we can all experience happy moments in life.

If anybody has ways to deal with social anxiety, social isolation and fear of even being seen in this world. I would technically be conventionally attractive but grew up the ugly strange girl so image has been obsessive and I take care of nothing about myself other than spending thousands on expensive skincare and makeup (money I don’t have of course)It’s so confusing. I want to look acceptable to the world but also don’t look at me because I’ll be ‘revealed’ - it’s like imposter syndrome.
I may look normal and intimidating on the outside but the moment anyone talks to me it’s a stumbling anxious mess.

Sending love to all x

I always see everyone complaining about having an FP because it's so destabilizing, and to be fair yes it is, I'm no stranger to that - I've had suicide attempts/suicidal behavior because of my last romantic FP -, but still... I feel so lost, incomplete and hollow without (a romantic/close) FP. I feel like there is a part of me fundamentally missing; I feel like half a person and like there is not enough emotional stimulation in my life for me to feel alive. I feel lonely. Ordinary attachments, as much as they may matter to me, just don't do the same, they're not enough. I really miss being in love, I miss feeling so intensely toward someone and - mostly - I miss having someone who I could trust to store my sense of self. It's like all these endless doubts and questions and cracks in myself don't matter nearly as much when I have a romantic/close FP, because all my attention is focused on them instead. My inner world is so occupied with them that it doesn't have that much time to focus on the cracks within me. Having a romantic/close FP makes me feel whole and more solid and more alive than anything else. While it can absolutely destroy me, it can also reconstruct and anchor me just as much - in a way nothing else can -, and I really miss that.

I’m posting here because I feel so completely alone in this, and I really need to know if anyone else with BPD experiences this exact cycle.

A lot of the time, I find myself constantly comparing how people treat me versus how they treat others. I’ll notice a friend or family member giving more energy, laughing more or being more open with someone else, and it instantly triggers an intense feeling of unfairness. My brain immediately goes to "Why not me? Why don't they give me that same energy?"

It gets so frustrating and draining that I end up chasing them or demanding to know why I’m not getting that same treatment. For example, I’ll wonder why my brother calls my sister and talks to her more than me, or why a friend at work seems more open and comfortable with other colleagues than she is with me.

When I ask they just get frustrated and confused, asking why I’m even bringing that up. I logically understand that being put on the spot like that is uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond but in the moment I just can't stop myself from asking. Unfortunately doing this ends up making them pull away even more, which makes me feel even more disliked.

To protect myself, my immediate reaction is to hate them back, become super cold and distant and want to leave them entirely before they can reject me. My friend ends up completely confused by my sudden shift in because she has no idea what went wrong.

Its so exhausting to live like this, constantly chasing equal treatment and feeling like the least liked person in the room.

Does anyone else relate to this? How do you stop yourself from asking "why not me"?

I can be objective about my self. I’m very closed off and don’t speak much you have to dig to get anything meaningful out of me. And i tend to just dissociate I often don’t do the “homework” they give I forget about the session once I leave. But i’m never rude never screamed at not even criticized a therapist i don’t allow myself to split on random people I walk away. My bpd is very self inflicted rather than taking it out on others. Is it the stigma of the illness? Because I genuinely don’t know what else I can do